Major League

Willie Mays Hayes:
Vaughn, get the stewardess. I need one of those bags.

Rick Vaughn:
There aren't any stewardesses.

Willie Mays Hayes:
I wonder if they are any pilots.

Heywood:
How's your wife and my kids?

Harry Doyle:
In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.

Jake Taylor:
I play for the Indians.

Chaire Holloway:
Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team!

Jake Taylor:
Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's really great!

Willie Mays Hayes:
The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it.

Rachel Phelps:
I think he'll fit right in with our team concept.

Charlie Donovan:
That reminds me, I was going to ask you. What exactly *is* our team concept?

Jake Taylor:
That's my wife...

Willie Mays Hayes:
Does she know that?

Jake Taylor:
Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... who's that guy she's with?

Willie Mays Hayes:
I don't know. He's not wearing a nametag.

Rick Vaughn:
Want me to drag him outta here, kick the sh*t out of him?

Charlie Donovan:
Vaughn's been looking good out there today.

Rachel Phelps:
Don't worry, he'll blow it.

Charlie Donovan:
Most of these guys never had a prime.

Rachel Phelps:
Cross him off then.

Harry Doyle:
That's all we got, one goddamn hit?

Assistant:
You can't say goddamn on the air.

Harry Doyle:
Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway.

Harry Doyle:
Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.

Harry Doyle:
The post-game show is brought to you by...

Harry Doyle:
Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.

Charlie Donovan:
How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown:
Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan:
What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown:
Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

Lou Brown:
Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.

Harry Doyle:
Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

Jake Taylor:
I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this sh*t at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.

Pedro Cerrano:
Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.

Eddie Harris:
You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.

Jake Taylor:
Harris.

Pedro Cerrano:
Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.

Eddie Harris:
You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Tom:
Stay away from her.

Jake Taylor:
Suck my dick.

Jake Taylor:
Second base... sh*t.

Eddie Harris:
Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.

Harris:
This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.

Willie Mays Hayes:
Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.

Pedro Cerrano:
Hats for bats, keep bats warm.

Lou Brown:
Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever f***in' do it again.

Willie Mays Hayes:
Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.

Lou Brown:
You may run like Hayes. but you hit like sh*t.

Roger Dorn:
Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: "Strike this mother f***er out."

Jake Taylor:
What I was concerned with was why you didn't come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th

Roger Dorn:
It was out of my reach, what do you want me to do dive for it?

Jake Taylor:
Rog, it could have meant the game!

Roger Dorn:
oh come on cut the rah rah sh*t Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!

Jake Taylor:
Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that's none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don't know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your f***in throat!

Lou Brown:
Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "ole" bullshit!

Rick Vaughn:
I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm sh*t now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up you're f***in' ass!

Lou Brown:
Good, I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn't cut you.

Rick Vaughn:
What?

Lou Brown:
I think someone's been having some fun with you.

Roger Dorn:
Lou, Lou; a minute of your time.

Roger Dorn:
See, it says right there; no calisthentics. What do you think of that?

Janice Bowden:
I hear baseball players make awefully good salaries now a days.

Jake Taylor:
Well it all depends on how good you are.

Janice Bowden:
How good are you?

Jake Taylor:
I make the league minimum.

Willie Mays Hayes:
What the hell league you been playing in?

Rick Vaughn:
California Penal...

Willie Mays Hayes:
Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?

Rick Vaughn:
Stole a car.

Heywood:
Going somewhere, meat?

Willie Mays Hayes:
About 90 feet.

Eddie Harris:
Up your butt, Jobu.

Willie Mays Hayes:
We should've got the live chicken.

Lou:
I thought you said we didn't have any high-priced talent.

Charlie Donovan:
Forgot about Dorn, cause he's only high-priced. Picked him up as a free agent three years ago.

Lou:
Still hits the ball well, doesn't he?

Charlie Donovan:
Yeah, just can't field it. [Dorn gives cocky gesture to them]

Lou:
We'll shape him up.

Pepper:
Look at this f***in' guy.

Lou:
[Chuckles] It's my kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.

Haywood:
Taylor, what are you doin' back up here?

Taylor:
I couldn't cut it in the Mexican Leagues.

Haywood:
How's your wife and my kids?

Diner Waitress:
Spring training starts on the 1st. How do you think the Indians will do this year?

Diner patron:
[Reading newspaper] Doesn't look too good.

Construction worker:
Doesn't look too f***ing good.

Groundskeeper #1:
[In Japanese] They're shitty.

Groundskeeper #2:
Hai.

Diner patron:
[Reading roster] Rick Vaughn? Willie Hayes? I never heard of most of these guys. Mitchell Friedman??

[Cuts to construction site]

Construction worker:
Who are these f***in' guys?

[Cuts to groundskeepers]

Groundskeeper #1:
[In Japanese] They are shitty.

Groundskeeper #2:
Hai

[Near middle of the season, Indians starting to climb out of last place]

Diner patron:
You know, they could be a lot worse.

[Cuts to construction site]

Construction worker:
You know, these guys aren't so f***ing bad.

[Cuts to groundskeepers]

Groundskeeper #1:
[In Japansese] They're still shitty.

Groundskeeper #2:
Hai

Willie:
200 pushups! How am I supposed to hit if I can't lift my arms? Sh*t!

Jake:
Well, the way I played today, I wouldn't be surprised if they red-tagged me, already.

Willie:
What do you mean?

Jake:
If you get a red tag in your locker, it mean's the skipper wants to see you, because you just died and went back down to the minors.

Jake:
Hey, don't worry, kid. They don't cut anybody on the first day. [Vaughn nonetheless keeps his locker closed.]

Rick:
What's that sh*t on your chest?

Eddie:
[wipes his finger across his chest] Crisco, [Runs his hand through his hair] Bardol, [Wipes his finger on his hip] Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. 'Course if the umps are watching me real close I just rub a little jalapeño juice up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just... [wipes his nose] ...wipe my nose.

Rick:
You put snot on the ball?

Eddie:
I haven't got an arm like yours; I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

[wearing tuxedos, the whole team stands behind Home Plate]

All:
Hello. Do you know us?

[putting on their caps]

All:
We're a Major League Baseball team.

Jake:
But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.

Eddie:
That's why we carry the American Express card.

Rick:
No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.

Pedro:
So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.

Roger [Acting very stiffly compared to everyone else]:
Look what it's done for us. People still DON'T recognize us but... [snaps his fingers]

Lou:
We're contenders now.

Willie:
[slides into Home Plate and holds up a green credit card] The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.

Harry:
[reading statistics on the air] And the Tribe drops this one, 6-to-one to the Rangers. For the Indians, one run on, let's see, one hit...that's all we got? One god-damn hit?

Monty:
[covering microphone] You can't say "god-damn" on the air!

Harry:
Don't worry. Nobody's listening, anyway.

Board Member #1:
I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.

Charlie:
Most of these guys never had a prime.

Rachel Phelps:
The facts are, we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven't won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven't placed higher than 4th in the last fifteen. Obviously, it's time for some changes.

Board Member #2:
This guy here is dead.

Rachel Phelps:
[obviously...] Cross him off, then.

Lou:
[answering the phone] Tire World.

Charlie:
Lou, it's Charlie Donovan with the Cleveland Indians. How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou:
Gee, I don't know...

Charlie:
What do you mean, you don't know? This is a chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou:
Lemme think it over, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line about some white walls. I'll talk to ya later.

Charlie:
We heard about your pitching out of Portland last year...

Rick:
I'm not really with them anymore...

Charlie:
We'd still like to take a look at you in our spring training camp in Arizona, March the first.

Rick:
I'm ... uh... not sure I can make it by then. Camera pans out to show Vaughan's conversation was on a prison phone

Jake:
[at the library, discussing Jake's one-night stand with a flight attendant] I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.

Lynn Wells:
Oh, what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!

[everyone in the library turns to look]

Jake:
[to others] She's right.

Name one park that wouldn’t have been out of.

Yosemite

Lou:
[After Dorn boots a grounder] C'mon, Dorn! Get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this olè bullshit!

Roger:
Look, I took one of those in the eye last year, and I am not about to lose my sight!

Lou:
[Unconcerned] I'm deeply moved. Every time I see you play one your hips, you owe me forty sit-ups.

Roger:
What?

[Later on, Roger appears with a contract]

Roger:
Look here, Lou. My contract clearly states I don't have to do any calisthenics that I don't feel are necessary. So what do you think about that?

[Lou grabs the contract, throws it on the ground, and urinates on it before walking away]

[Last day of spring training]

Player #1:
[As the players go back to the clubhouse] Final cut day today, isn't it?

Player #2:
Afraid so.

Vaughn:
[Stops just outside the door] I don't wanna go in there.

Taylor:
Look, no matter what happens, just keep it to yourself until you're out of the clubhouse. You don't wanna celebrate in front of those who'd just died. [Goes inside]

Hayes:
Yeah, but what if we're already one of the deceased, huh?

Roger:
[after Rick tackled him, and the two have been separated] Don't f*** with me, Vaughn!

Rick:
Yeah? [shouting] F*** you!

Roger:
What's the matter, rookie F***-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?

Rick:
Real f***ing funny, a**hole.

Lou:
All right, [shouting] All right. Knock that sh*t off.

Roger:
Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his sh*t.

Lou:
Shut up, Dorn, Save all that energy for the field, we gotta long way ta go before the seasons over.

Jake Taylor:
[to Rexman] Hey, Rexman! Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, you guys trailing by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television–if you don't blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You must be very very proud. Oh, and that guy she was with? Oh, I'm sure he's a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head? [Rexman pops the ball straight up] Uh-oh, Rexy I don't think this one's got the distance.

Jake Taylor:
[about to find out whether he's made the team] Come on Jake. It's only your life.

Jake Taylor:
[He tries to throw a runner out, talking to himself] Don't bounce the damn ball...[Overthrows the second baseman] Nice throw, d*ckhead.

Willie Mays Hayes:
Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Hey Jake, man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!

Harry Doyle:
Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the off-season, in his major league debut.

Harry Doyle:
Vaughn into the windup for his first offering... [ball thrown several feet off the plate] Just a bit outside. He tried the corner and missed.

Harry Doyle:
Ball four...ball eight...low and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. Boy, how can these guys lay off pitches that close?

Harry Doyle:
Vaughn deals...and Heywood swings and crushes one towards South America. Tomlinson will need a visa to catch this one, it is out of here and there is nothing left but a vapor trail.

Harry Doyle:
Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [covers microphone with hand and turns to Monty] Thank God!

Harry Doyle:
We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a helluva job.

Harry Doyle:
Heywood's a convicted felon, isn't he Monty? [Monty: Ah...doesn't really say it here.] Well, he should be!

Harry Doyle:
Hayes is picked off! Well, so much for that. Personally I think we got hosed on that call.

Harry Doyle:
And for the Indians, that's one run on, let's see...one hit? That's all we got?, one goddamn hit? [Monty: You can't say "goddamn" on the air!] Don't worry; nobody's listening anyway.

Harry Doyle:
And the Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT!

Lou Brown:
Well, you may run like Hayes, but you hit like sh*t. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me twenty push-ups.

Lou Brown:
[Contemplating Rick Vaughn in sleeveless uniform] Alright, Vaughn. They tell us you're a pitcher; you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son! Understood?

Eddie Harris:
Are you trying to say that Jesus can't hit a curveball?

Pedro Cerrano:
I'm pissed off now, Jobu... I go to you. I stick up for you. And you no help me now... I say F*** YOU, Jobu. I do it myself.

Pedro Cerrano:
Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum... Is very bad.

Roger Dorn:
[Talking about a ground ball he missed] It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?

Rachel Phelps:
Here's to the thrill of defeat, Charlie.

Rachel Phelps:
[while Wild Thing is playing] I hate this f***ing song.