Meet the Parents

Jack Byrnes:
I will be watching you.

Jack Byrnes:
Are you a pothead, Focker?

Greg Focker:
You can milk just about anything with nipples.

Jack Byrnes:
I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

Jack Byrnes:
"My Mother" by Jack Byrnes / You gave me life. / You gave me milk. / You gave me courage. / Your name was Angela. / An Angel from Heaven. / But you were also an angel of God. / And he needed you to. / I selfishly tried to hold on to you, / While the cancer ate away at your organs, / Like a rebel force. / And now we'll meet in heaven. / And I shall see you / Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore.

Pam Byrnes:
Dad, that's beautiful.

Greg Focker:
Yes, it was so beautiful, and yet, had so much information.

Jack Byrnes:
I mean, can you really trust another human being, Greg?

Greg Focker:
Yeah, I think so.

Jack Byrnes:
No. The answer is you can not.

Jack Byrnes:
I'm just curious, did you pick the color of the car?

Greg Focker:
Uh no, the guy at the window did, why?

Jack Byrnes:
Well they say geniuses pick green.

Greg Focker:
Oh.

Jack Byrnes:
But you didn't pick it.

Greg Focker:
I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy.

Jack Byrnes:
I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

Jack Byrnes:
Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.

Flight Attendant:
I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.

Greg Focker:
I got it.

Flight Attendant:
No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.

Greg Focker:
No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?

Flight Attendant:
There's no need to raise your voice, sir.

Greg Focker:
I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?

Flight Attendant:
Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...

Greg Focker:
Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?

Flight Attendant:
No...

Greg Focker:
No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.

Jack Byrnes:
Oh, geez. I just thought of something.

Dina Byrnes:
What?

Jack Byrnes:
Pam's middle name.

Dina Byrnes:
Martha... Oh, no.

Jack Byrnes:

Jack Byrnes:
I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Greg Focker:
Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai.

Dina Byrnes:
Jack can't talk Thai.

Greg Focker:
Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well.

Greg Focker:
Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.

Jack Byrnes:
I understand you may have had sexual relations with my daughter before, but under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. So just keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

Dina Byrnes:
Now Greg, you have a *very* unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?

Greg Focker:
Oh, just like its spelt. F-O-C-K-E-R.

Dina Byrnes:
F-Focker.

Jack Byrnes:
Hmm, Focker.

Denny Byrnes:
You just sniffing my boxers, man?

Greg Focker:
No, dude

Bob Banks:
What is that smell?

Jack Byrnes:
That smell, Bob, is our sh*t. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.

Greg Focker:
I told you, Jack, it wasn't me, it was Jinx.

Jack Byrnes:
FOCKER, I'm not gonna tell you again. Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!

Larry:
The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

Greg Focker:
This handles like a dream.

Larry:
Let's not make it a nightmare.

Jack Byrnes:
Did you flush this toilet?

Greg Focker:
Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.

Jack Byrnes:
Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.

Greg Focker:
What does it matter?

Jack Byrnes:
The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.

Greg Focker:
Who'd have thought it wasn't about a dragon.

Jack Byrnes:
Huh?

Greg Focker:
Well some people think that 'to puff the magic dragon' means to... puff... smoke... a marijuana cigarette.

Jack Byrnes:
Puff is just the name of the boy's magical dragon... You a pothead, Focker?

Greg Focker:
No, I pass on grass always. Well not always.

Jack Byrnes:
Yes or no?

Greg Focker:
No, um, yes, um...

Norm:
I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.

Greg Focker:
I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...

Norm:
You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.

Greg Focker:
No, I said I didn't have a bomb.

Norm:
But you said bomb.

Greg Focker:
I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".

Norm:
You said "Bomb" on an airplane.

Greg Focker:
What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?

Norm:
You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!

Greg Focker:
Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!

Norm:
You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for a few years!

Pam Byrnes:
Greg Honey, how are you doing?

Greg Focker:
Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your Father ask me to milk him.

Jack Byrnes:
Greg's in medicine too.

Bob Banks:
What field?

Greg Focker:
Nursing.

Bob Banks:
Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?

Greg Focker:
Nursing.

Greg Focker:
Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down.

Denny Byrnes:
Down low.

Greg Focker:
No doubt.

Pam Byrnes:
What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?

Greg Focker:
No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.

Greg Focker:
That's me.

Jack Byrnes:
I thought your name was Greg.

Greg Focker:
It is.

Greg Focker:
Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.

Denny Byrnes:
Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?

Pam Byrnes:
You never told me about your cat milking days in Motown.

Jack Byrnes:
Jesus, Focker. It's just a game.

Jack Byrnes:
You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a b*tch?

Deborah Byrnes:
No. We are not gonna postpone the rehearsal for some stupid cat.

Jack Byrnes:
Stupid cat? How can you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?

Jack Byrnes:
Denny. DENNY?

Denny Byrnes:
Right here, dad.

Jack Byrnes:
Okay, you're subbing for the cat today.

Denny Byrnes:
Oh no, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.

Jack Byrnes:
Oh yes you damn well will!

Jack Byrnes:
Greg's a male nurse.

Greg Focker:
Yes. Thank you, Jack.

Kevin:
Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.

Greg Focker:
Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of a everyone wins thing.

Greg Focker:
Oh, dear god, thank you, you are such a good god to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating god, and we thank you oh sweet, sweet lord of hosts for the smorgasbord you have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear lord three things we pray to love thee more dearly, to see thee more clearly, to follow thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen.

Jack Byrnes:
What are you guys doing in here?

Larry:
Looks like rounding second base.

Greg Focker:
You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Greg Focker:
It's beautiful... what is it?

Kevin:
It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?

Jack:
Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids... and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience — it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain... that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?

Greg:
Sure, I think so.

Jack:
No. The answer is, you cannot.

Jack:
Greg, would you like to say grace?

Pam:
Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.

Jack:
You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.

Greg:
No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.

Pam:
Okay.

Greg:
O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle... and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts... for the... smorgasbord... You have so aptly lain at our table this day... and each day... by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly. To see Thee more clearly. To follow Thee more nearly... day by day... by day. Amen. Amen.

Dina:
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.

Jack:
Thank you Greg! That was interesting too.

Dina:
Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?

Jack:
Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.

Greg:
What? No! What... what... what poem?

Dina:
You see, when Jack had to retire... for health reasons...

Jack:
That's a bunch of malarkey. Honey, I'm fine.

Dina:
The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he... sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.

Pam:
Please, we really wanna hear it.

Greg:
Poem, poem. Please!

Jack:
Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate... and put it next to the urn.

Greg:
Nice.

Dina:
It's very special.

Jack:
"My Mother," by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven. But you were also an angel of God, and He needed you, too. Selfishly, I tried to keep you here... while the cancer ate away your organs... like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face... nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet... in heaven.

Pam:
Daddy, that's beautiful.

Dina:
It always gets me.

Greg:
Amazing. So... so.. so much love, yet also so much information.

[Jack's putting Greg through a lie detector test]

Jack:
[slowly] Have you ever watched pornographic videos?

Greg:
[long pause; sees readout beginning to skew, then tries to keep calm before answering] No. [looks at graph and sees needles skewing wildly]

[Pam shows Greg's nursing exam scores to Jack, who's unmoved]

Pam:
I love you, Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room]

Jack:
[to Dina] So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!

Dina:
Well, who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him. It think it's time for you find what Pam wants.

Flight Attendant:
I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.

Greg:
I got it.

Flight Attendant:
No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.

Greg:
No, I'm not — hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?

Flight Attendant:
There's no need to raise your voice, sir.

Greg:
I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline — you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?

Flight Attendant:
I can assure you that your bag... will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.

Greg:
Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?

Flight Attendant:
No.

Greg:
No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole... and listen to me when I say that I am finished... with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!

Flight Attendant:
Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we—

Greg:
Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.

Flight Attendant:
Sir!

Greg:
I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.

Flight Attendant:
Sir, sir—

Greg:
If you would take a second... and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now... and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, b*tch.

[Greg is forcibly removed by Airport Security while everyone watches in shock by his behavior.]

[Greg is being detained by the Airport Security for threatening a flight attendant.]

Norm the Security Guard:
I have a plane full of people telling me you threatened that stewardess.

Greg:
I was not threatening her, I was just trying to get my bag in the overhead storage thing.

Norm the Security Guard:
You were acting like a maniac and then you threaten her with a bomb.

Greg:
No, I said I didn't have a bomb.

Norm the Security Guard:
You said Bomb.

Greg:
I said it's not like I had a bomb on an airplane.

Norm the Security Guard:
You said bomb on an airplane.

Greg:
What's wrong with saying bomb on an airplane?

Norm the Security Guard:
You can't say bomb on an airplane.

[Greg taunts Norm with the word bomb, whom threatens him with arrest. A co-worker of Norm's comes in.]

Airport Security:
Hey Norm, take. We've got a specialist.

Greg:
Bye Norm.

[Norm leaves and the guard motions Jack to come in, which Greg isn't happy about.]

Greg:
Oh, sh*t. How'd you get here?

Jack:
I'm everywhere, Focker.

Greg:
I didn't do anything, Jack.

Jack:
Yeah, I know.

Greg:
Well, then tell these guys that I'm not a terrorist.

Jack:
Listen, Focker. I'm not gonna tell anybody anything until you answer some questions. Unless you want to spend the next couple of years of your life in prison, you better goddamn well tell me the truth. No more lies. You understand? No more lies.

Greg:
Did you do this?

Jack:
Just answer the questions.

Greg:
Did you have me taken off of that airplane?

Jack:
Just answer the question. Put your hands over there. That's it.

[Jack hold Greg's hands by the pulse to administer a lie-detector test]

Greg:
You're sick, you know that?

Jack:
Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
Are you a male nurse?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
Are you a pothead?

Greg:
No.

Jack:
Have you ever smoked pot?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
[beat] Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
And you did that because you were desperately seeking my approval?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
Because you love my daughter Pam?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
Do you wanna marry her?

[Greg doesn't answer and looks away.]

Jack:
Do you want to marry her?

Greg:
...I did...until I met you.

Jack:
What does that mean?

Greg:
I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family.

[Jack looks at Greg's pulse, unmoved.]

Greg:
I think you've got some serious issues.

Jack:
If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?

[Greg pulls his hands away from Jack]

Greg:
Would you lighten up a lot?

Jack:
Yeah.

Greg:
Yes or no?

Jack:
Yes.

Greg:
Would you promise to let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?

Jack:
I promise not to interfere in your lives all the time.

Greg:
Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?

Jack:
Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?

Greg:
Jack, yes or no?

Jack:
Ever?

Greg:
No!

Jack:
[beat] Okay, yes.

Greg:
Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?

Jack:
[Glares at Greg] Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess.

[Jacks takes Greg's hands again and continues]

Jack:
If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
Would you be honest and faithful to her?

Greg:
Yes.

Jack:
Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?

Greg:
Of course.

Jack:
Gaylord Focker...

[Jack takes out a small jewelry box and shows it to Greg to find an engagement ring]

Jack:
Will you be my son-in-law?

Jack Byrnes:
All right. Now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 19 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.