Mulberry

Miss Rose Farnaby:
Why did I employ you?

Mulberry:
Well, I can only put it down to some streak of perversity in your nature.

[first lines]

Mulberry:
So you just want me to serve the drinks with Bert?

Miss Farnaby:
Yes.

Mulberry:
That's all you want me to do?

Miss Farnaby:
Yes.

Mulberry:
You don't want me to participate in any way?

Miss Farnaby:
Mulberry, I have explained; this is going to be a little musical evening for a few friends, not a knees-up.

Mulberry:
I didn't mention a knees-up, Miss Farnaby. I just fancied singing 'Old Man River', that's all.

Miss Farnaby:
I've heard you, and you don't know how to.

Mulberry:
Well, your 'Daisy, Daisy' on the back of a tandem leaves a lot to be desired.

Miss Farnaby:
I am aware of that, which is why I am not singing either.

[last lines]

Bert:
[drunk] Alice, I'm... I'm going to sing to you, Alice. I'm going to sing 'Alice Blue Gown', Alice. [kneels] Because your name is Alice, Alice.

Alice:
Oh, Bert.

Bert:
In... [he passes out]

Mulberry:
I'll bring him round, then I'll kill him.

Miss Farnaby:
Oh, Alice.

Alice:
Well, he nearly sang it.

[last lines]

Alice:
Bert, did you get rid of the body?

Bert:
Yes.

Mulberry:
Body?

Alice:
Yes, that mouse. I found it dead about half an hour ago.

[first lines]

Alice:
Are you sure this is gonna work, Bert?

Alice:
Look, Alice, if I can't out-think a mouse there must be something wrong with me. Now, on my command, you blow it out from under the stove, and I'll smash its head in.

Alice:
Where do you want me, then?

Bert:
Under the gas stove.

Alice:
I can't get under the gas stove.

Bert:
Not you! Your bellows.

Alice:
Oh, right.

[last lines]

Elizabeth:
I really did sense something last evening.

Miss Farnaby:
I'm sure you did, Elizabeth.

Mulberry:
I'll strap your bassoon to the back seat for you, Miss Elizabeth.

Elizabeth:
It's him. It's Mulberry. He's the deathly presence.

Miss Farnaby:
Oh, do be quiet, Elizabeth. Mulberry is quite the liveliest person I know.

Shop assistant:
Madam's son certainly does take an interest, doesn't he.

Miss Farnaby:
He's not my son!

Shop assistant:
Oh, I see.

Miss Farnaby:
He works for me.

Shop assistant:
I'm sure he does, Madam.

Miss Farnaby:
[exits the hairdresser] I must look like one of Toulouse-Lautrec's cheaper models.

[first lines]

Miss Farnaby:
Come in.

Mulberry:
We haven't done very well with that dinner, have we?

Miss Farnaby:
I'm not hungry.

Mulberry:
You'll never go ten rounds with Frank Bruno if you don't eat your dinner up.

Miss Farnaby:
Just take the tray away, please.

Mulberry:
We're all very excited about the show on Saturday. Nice of you to revive the tradition.

Miss Farnaby:
I'm glad you're pleased.

Mulberry:
Oh come on, what's the matter? You were all bubbly when you thought of it. You're not still brooding 'cause Fulham lost, are you?

Miss Farnaby:
Adele phoned.

[first lines]

Alice:
So, what you putting?

Bert:
The usual. [reading card] Wanted: young person to render general domestic assistance. Live-in preferred. Good wages and congenial working conditions.

Alice:
Oh. The usual pack of lies, in other words.

Bert:
What am I supposed to put, the truth? Very attractive that would read, wouldn't it? Wanted: masochist to be at beck and call of cantankerous old trout.

Alice:
Well, I doubt we'll get anyone this time anyway. The whole county must know about her by now.

Bert:
Miss Threlfall was a stayer. Today was a day over a fortnight, you know.

Alice:
Well, she had been in the army, hadn't she?

Mulberry:
D'you like dogs?

Miss Farnaby:
No.

Mulberry:
Cats?

Miss Farnaby:
No.

Mulberry:
Giraffes?

Miss Farnaby:
One doesn't like or dislike giraffes. Giraffes are simply there.

Mulberry:
I can't see any.

[last lines]

The Stranger:
What do you mean you like her?

Mulberry:
What I said. I like her.

The Stranger:
It won't make any difference, you know.

Mulberry:
You're depressing, you are.

The Stranger:
And you have no choice.

[last lines]

The Stranger:
You can't even bring yourself to burn a Guy, can you?

Mulberry:
Oh, it's you.

The Stranger:
What do you think you're doing?

Mulberry:
Well, I'm keeping up a tradition for Miss Farnaby, in case she feels guilty tomorrow.

The Stranger:
I didn't put you in her house to keep up traditions; I put you in there to...

Mulberry:
Oh, do we have to talk about that now?

The Stranger:
Just don't take too long, that's all.

Mulberry:
Oh, have a sparkler.

[first lines]

Bert:
[Bert is dragging branches toward a large stack of wood that is shaped like a tepee] I'm not a carthorse. I keep telling everybody I'm not a carthorse. Nobody ever takes any notice of that do they? [drops the branches] Mulberry! Mulberry! Do it all yourself, Bert. Mulberry!

Bert:
[steps out of the stack] How.

Bert:
What?

Bert:
Not what. How!

Bert:
How what?

Mulberry:
Today, Bert, we hunt many buffalo, smoke pipe, then go down working man's club for swift half.

Bert:
You'll get carted off one of these days, you will.

Bert:
In a cart?

Bert:
In a van. With barred windows.

[first lines]

Mulberry:
Look, Dad, I can't kill her.

The Stranger:
I wish you'd stop talking about *killing* people. It's never been your job to kill her, just see her to the end. I'm not a gangland boss, and you're not one of my hit men. I am Death, my son.

Mulberry:
I like her.

The Stranger:
Emotion doesn't come into it.

Mulberry:
Look, put me on someone else, please.

The Stranger:
No. You've gotta learn with Miss Farnaby. And you're gonna learn if it kills me.

Bert:
[about Mulberry] No, whichever way you think about it, he was an enigma.

Alice:
I suppose it's from people like Mulberry that Elgar got his Variations.

Bert:
It may well be.

[last lines]

[riding down the driveway on a tandem]

Mulberry:
[singing] Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do / I'm half crazy all for the love of you.

Mulberry:
All together, now!

Mulberry, Miss Farnaby:
[singing] It won't be a stylish marriage / I can't afford a carriage / But you'll look sweet upon the seat / Of a bicycle made for two.

[first lines]

Mulberry:
Do you want a jelly baby?

Miss Farnaby:
No, thank you. I told you I don't like jelly babies. They are a confection without character. Just because they're anthropomorphic doesn't disguise the fact that they are merely flavourless blobs of gelatine. I'd go so far as to say-

Mulberry:
All right, all right, I only offered you a sweet. What have you got?

Miss Farnaby:
Acid drops.

Mulberry:
Very apt.

Miss Farnaby:
Mind your manners.

Mulberry:
Can I have one?

Miss Farnaby:
No.

The Stranger:
Don't ask a reaper about sowing seeds.

Miss Farnaby:
Why the sudden preoccupation?

Mulberry:
Well, you know me. I get bees in my bonnet.

Miss Farnaby:
I don't like bees in bonnets; they sting you when you're not looking. Do not spring surprises on me in future.

Mulberry:
No, Miss Farnaby.

Miss Farnaby:
But of course, you will.

[last lines]

Miss Farnaby:
Albert! [beckons him over to the car]

Bert:
Yes, Miss Farnaby?

Miss Farnaby:
[shows him the hyacinth] You see what you can do when you try.

Mulberry:
You're a genius, Bert.

[first lines]

Miss Farnaby:
You'll break it.

Mulberry:
Look, if you tell me what you're looking for I'll help you rummage for it.

Mulberry:
It's *my* toy cupboard. Aah, there it is.

Mulberry:
A kite!

Miss Farnaby:
Ten out of ten.

Mulberry:
You're going to fly a kite.

Miss Farnaby:
Yes, I am. And don't look so pleased with yourself. I am not going to fly it because I am responding to therapy. I am going to fly it as a duty.

Mulberry:
Is this some way of telling the locals that the Vikings have landed?

Mulberry:
[reading the kite tail] "Please find Gerald." Did you write that?

Miss Farnaby:
Mm, I'd forgotten. I had a notion of sending a message to Jesus.

Mulberry:
On the tail of a kite? Did you get an answer?

Miss Farnaby:
Well, Gerald was found, on his back in a ditch.

Mulberry:
Oh, couldn't hold his beer, eh.

Miss Farnaby:
He was a tortoise.

Mr. Horsham:
Cousin Arthur? Cousin Arthur? Was he the one who went to seed in Fiji?

Miss Farnaby:
No, that's Cousin Harold. Cousin Arthur went to seed in Kuala Lumpur.

[last lines]

Mulberry:
[discussing dying] There's nothing to be frightened of, that's the first thing. It's all rather peaceful, really. It's as though you're lying there waiting for somebody to come and take you somewhere.

Miss Farnaby:
[long pause] I wonder who will come and take me.

Mulberry:
I don't know.

Miss Farnaby:
I know you don't know. I was just... speculating.

Mulberry:
Well, at a guess I'd say it would be [pause] someone who liked you.

Miss Farnaby:
I hope so.

[last lines]

Miss Farnaby:
I'll tell you something, Mulberry. These have been quite the silliest few days of my life.

Mulberry:
There is one thing. At least you're getting noticed.

Miss Farnaby:
Well. I think I shall be keeping a very low public profile from now on.

Mulberry:
Oh, I hope not. Because at the end of the day, it hasn't been dull, has it?

Miss Farnaby:
Eat your curry.

Mulberry:
Yes, Miss Farnaby.

[first lines]

Alice:
How's your picture coming along, Miss Farnaby?

Miss Farnaby:
I've finished, Alice. I finished it yesterday.

Alice:
Oh, may I have a look?

Miss Farnaby:
Mm. It's not very good. I'm only an amateur.

Alice:
I'd like to see it.

Miss Farnaby:
Mm, very well.

Mulberry:
That took the wind out of your sails, didn't it?

Miss Farnaby:
I'm not the sort of person who ever had much wind in her sails to begin with.

Mulberry:
That's nice, isn't it? Get your new friends and I'm out.

Miss Farnaby:
You'll be waiting at table.

Mulberry:
That's a bit of an imposition.

Miss Farnaby:
You work for me.

Mulberry:
Oh. So I do.

[last lines]

Alice:
You look like death warmed up.

Mulberry:
Oh, Alice.

[first lines]

Mulberry:
Here you are. Look at it in the light. Looks even worse out here than it did inside and that's saying something.

Miss Farnaby:
Look, it's my dress, and I chose it.

Mulberry:
I wouldn't be seen dead in it.

Miss Farnaby:
I'm not asking you to wear it.

Mulberry:
Here, that's the one you should have got. [pointing to bright blue sequinned dress] You'd look great in that.

Miss Farnaby:
I'd look like a French brothel-keeper in that.

Mulberry:
You'd look lovely in that. Better than this monstrosity. This looks like something you camouflage tanks with.

Miss Farnaby:
Camouflage is green; this is dusky pink.

Mulberry:
And shapeless. This looks like a child's drawing of a dress.

Miss Farnaby:
Do you remember Anthony Seale in 'The Four Feathers'?

Mulberry:
Yes, he had to pretend he was dumb, didn't he?

Miss Farnaby:
Point taken?

Mulberry:
[talking about Miss Farnaby] You have to feel sorry for her though, don't you.

Bert:
No.

Mulberry:
Well, she's got nobody of her own.

Alice:
Nobody of her own! She's got us.

Mulberry:
That's what I said: You have to feel sorry for her.

[last lines]

Mulberry:
Come on, Miss Farnaby. I've got to get that boar in the oven. It takes thirty-six hours to cook.

[first lines]

Miss Farnaby:
[there is a knock on the door] About time! [another knock] Come in! [Mulberry enters] Couldn't you hear me the first time?

Mulberry:
Yes, Miss Farnaby.

Miss Farnaby:
Then why didn't you come in?

Mulberry:
Well, you didn't say "Come in"; you said "About time".

Miss Farnaby:
What else can "About time" mean if it doesn't mean "Come in"?

Mulberry:
Well, that's what I was trying to work out when I was outside the door; that's why I didn't come in.

Mulberry:
Just trying to get you out of your shell.

Miss Farnaby:
I'm not a crab. [Mulberry glances at her] And don't comment on that.

[last lines]

Miss Farnaby:
You'll be seeing Jocelyn again?

Mulberry:
No.

Miss Farnaby:
Oh. I'm sorry.

Mulberry:
Well, I suppose I will see her. Again. Eventually.

[first lines]

[Miss Farnaby puts an arrow in the bullseye]

Mulberry:
Good shot.

Miss Farnaby:
Yes, it was, wasn't it?

Mulberry:
On the lucky side.

Miss Farnaby:
Your turn... Robin. [Mulberry takes the bow and arrows and walks away] You going off in a sulk?

Mulberry:
No. The age of chivalry is not dead; half way for ladies.

Miss Farnaby:
You won't do it, Mulberry. It's not as easy as it looks.

Mulberry:
I'll have you know I fought at Agincourt. Oy... know what I'm doing.

Miss Farnaby:
You've got the arrow the wrong side.

Mulberry:
[laughs] Playing to those rules, are we?

Miss Farnaby:
Side on, side on.

Mulberry:
All right. Do you want me to split your arrow down the middle, or would that be too demoralizing for you?

Miss Farnaby:
I want you to split my arrow down the middle.

Mulberry:
All right. [Mulberry misses the target entirely]

Miss Farnaby:
Very good.

Mulberry:
I was further back than you were.

Miss Farnaby:
Your choice. Oh, I am enjoying myself. I haven't shot since I was a girl.

Mulberry:
Go on then. Five oh one down. [she laughs] [Mulberry sees Bert approaching] What are you like with moving targets?

Miss Farnaby:
Don't tempt me.

Mulberry:
She's a very nice girl.

The Stranger:
None of these things can ever be for you, Not here.

Mulberry:
Well, there's not much where we come from, is there?

The Stranger:
Well, I don't know. I fixed you up with a very nice girl.

Mulberry:
She's horrible. She's depressing.

The Stranger:
Don't let Pestilence hear you talk about his daughter like that.

[first lines]

Mulberry:
Well, I don't know why Miss Farnaby would order so much wine. You hardly ever see her drinking it.

Bert:
Ah, well, no, that's what's called laying down, you see, for the future.

Mulberry:
Oh, I see. Ho, just a minute. There's ten bottles in this case; there should be twelve.

Bert:
Bloody decimalization. That's your modern vintner for you. I'll get on to him about this.

Mulberry:
Oh, you've got quite enough to do, Bert. I'll get on to him.

Bert:
No, no, I'll do it.

Mulberry:
I should check your case; make sure there are twelve bottles in there.

Bert:
There are.

Mulberry:
How do you know?

Bert:
I can tell by the weight.

Mulberry:
Oh. Years of practice, eh.