Patalliro!

[opening theme song]

Chorus:
Paa Pa-Pa-Pa, Paa Pa-Pa-Pa, Paa Pa-Pa-Pa, Po-Pe-Pu-Pi-Paa! Bustling about from morning to night / Foolishly laughing at a successful prank / Flat tired at important times / Pa-Pe-Pu-Pu Pe-Po-Pa-Po Patalliro! / Transforming when something happens / Taking off in a flying rocket / Slipping up and blacking out / Pa-Pe-Pi-Pu Pe-Po-Pa-Po Patalliro! / Loves to do the things, that no one thinks of / Causing lots of trouble, PATALLIROOO!

[closing theme song 1]

Chorus:
Beauty is a crime / Even smiling is a crime / Black rose, you must have thorns / that gently wrap around you / Look into my eyes / Surely you won't leave me / There is no one who wouldn't love me...

[closing theme song 2]

Tamanegi:
Papan gapan! Who killed Cock Robin? Who killed Cock Robin? / A flower is innocence beyond confusion / Is a peaceful home an endless spring? / Malynera's finest pretty boy / That is the incredible prodigy Patarillo / the Ms Rabbit who always says something / That face, figure no matter how you look at it / is like a squashed manju / Papan gapan! Who killed Cock Robin? Who killed Cock Robin? / Dreams spill beyond a tune / Even in the worldly peaceful Malynera / A battle for the prize is a big trend / Will it be Super Cat, the Onion Squad, Afro 18 or maybe Plasma? Everyone is desperate for a gliding arrrow / For that kind of heart is cheerful! / Papan gapan! Who killed Cock Robin? Who killed Cock Robin?

[repeated line]

Patalliro:
[claps and dances] Papan gapan! Dare ga koro shita Cock Robin?... Who killed Cock Robin?

Patalliro:
Aren't you supposed to be at Buckingham Palace?

Maraich Juschenfe:
Bancoran picked me to act as his assistant.

Patalliro:
I see. So he picked you?

Maraich Juschenfe:
That's right, he picked me!

Patalliro:
From where, out of a field? [imagines Maraich as a maiden working in a vegetable patch]

Maraich Juschenfe:
[lifts a large radish] Oh my God!

Patalliro:
[grins] Doesn't that mean... [gets knocked down]

Maraich Juschenfe:
Did you just call me a radish? Fyukai! ["Fyukai" means "annoying" and bears similarity to "Fuyu kai", which means "winter"]

Patalliro:
Winter? That's a great season for delicious boiled radishes... [gets knocked down]

[conversing with the Prime Minister of China]

Chin Enlai:
Patalliro... you truly cute.

Patalliro:
Thanks. [Enlai suddenly grabs Patalliro]

Chin Enlai:
I greatly like cute cute.

Patalliro:
Eh?

Chin Enlai:
I recently horny!

Patalliro:
Wait a minute! We both men! Come to your senses, YOUR SENSES!

Chin Enlai:
I not can holding back anymore!

Patalliro:
Arrgh, this wrong! I very much regret!

Chin Enlai:
Limits breaking, Patalliro... You so very very cute! [kisses and cuddles Patalliro]

Patalliro:
I need help! HELP!

Maraich Juschenfe:
[captured by Bancoran] What... what do you plan on doing?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Tell me about Larken.

Maraich Juschenfe:
Hmph!

[Bancoran slaps Maraich]

Maraich Juschenfe:
You think that will make me talk? How na?ve.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Is that so? Well, I didn't want to do those things...

[rips open Maraich's shirt and pins him onto a bed]

Maraich Juschenfe:
What are you doing?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
There are other ways to get confessions. It doesn't have to be through pain...

[kisses Maraich]

Maraich Juschenfe:
[weakening] Stop!... stop it...

[cut to Patalliro re-enacting Maraich's seduction]

Patalliro:
Ohhh... it's no use... you can't... no! Stop! No! BANCORAAN!... I look stupid doing this by myself.

Duran Du Laken:
[spies on Patalliro] I can't believe the Syndicate is having trouble dealing with that chubby Third World brat.

Patalliro:
I feel really offended for some reason...

[last lines]

Maraich Juschenfe:
[to Bancoran] Kiss me. [gets a kiss]

Patalliro:
[to Bancoran] Kiss me. [gets knocked down]

Patalliro:
Bancoran! Come back!

Patalliro:
[on the phone] Hello!

Rashanu:
This is the Meteorological Agency!

Patalliro:
Police don't joke around!

Rashanu:
This isn't the police. This isn't the Meteorological Agency either. It was a joke.

Patalliro:
Joking aside, where is this?

Rashanu:
Burma!... Just kidding.

Patalliro:
I am losing to this guy... How's the weather over there?

Rashanu:
Shoushou... ["Shoushou means "wait a minute", but also "gloomy rain"]

Patalliro:
So it's rainy?

Rashanu:
You're an interesting person. I'd like to meet you someday, given a kikkai. ["Kikkai" means "chance", and also "strange"]

Patalliro:
What a strange thing to say... Somehow my jokes become dull against this guy.

Rashanu:
It was fun anyway. Please call again. Bye!... What an interesting person...

Patalliro:
Bancoran, actually...

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Actually?

Patalliro:
This letter...

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
[takes it] Is it a threat?

Patalliro:
It's an invitation to a costume party.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Would you cut it out?

Patalliro:
I already cut it out, I can only do what's humanly possible!

Duran Du Laken:
It's finally our turn, Maraich. The time has come for me to use the training I've taught you since you were small.

Maraich Juschenfe:
Count on me. I'll do anything for you. [smiles at the Count, who immediately closes the doors and starts to seduce Maraich]

Duran Du Laken:
Maraich... I've raised a beautiful angel of death. Bad boy!

[driving from Larken's party]

Patalliro:
[holds up a gold candlestick] It might be the Count's property. I thought I may have to return it, but if he's a bad guy I don't have to.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Where did you find it?

Patalliro:
On the table.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
It was placed there?

Patalliro:
You could look at it like that...

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Hey, don't fool around! You could be investigated by the police as a larceny suspect!

Patalliro:
[flourishes money] I couldn't steal bills if I was afraid of the police, how about that?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
That has nothing to do with this! [points a gun, and the car swerves... ]

Patalliro:
Idiot! Idiot, idiot, idiot! You let go of the wheel!

Patalliro:
What's happened to Bancoran?

Maraich Juschenfe:
He had an assignment in France.

Patalliro:
How rude, he didn't even know I was coming.

Maraich Juschenfe:
Can he help it if he didn't know?

Patalliro:
Actually, I have some business to attend to in London. You're coming along as my bodyguard.

Maraich Juschenfe:
Why do I have to do something like that?

Patalliro:
Is it okay for you to talk like that, Higashimurayamach?

Maraich Juschenfe:
Maraich!

Patalliro:
If you're living with Bancoran you're cohabitating, Koudengaich.

Maraich Juschenfe:
MARAICH!

Patalliro:
If you're cohabitating you're the same as married, and if you're married you're one in heart and mind, and Bancoran's work is your work! Am I wrong, Maraich?

Maraich Juschenfe:
MANTOHICH! [beat. Maraich breaks down in tears while Patalliro waves a flag of victory]

[Maraich has dressed up nicely for the trip]

Maraich Juschenfe:
When I go out with Bancoran I sometimes go like this. He seems to like it...

Patalliro:
[impersonates Bancoran] You're beautiful, Maraich.

Maraich Juschenfe:
SHUT UP, YOU BASTARD! I don't care about any other jokes, but don't do that!

Patalliro:
[keeping it up] Spies are lonely.

Maraich Juschenfe:
[digs a grave] I'll bury you here in eternal solitude!

Maraich Juschenfe:
Come to think of it, there's no reason for me to come with you. If Ban heard, what would he say?

Patalliro:
That you're an idiot who got wrapped up in my tempo. [Maraich hits Patalliro]

Patalliro:
I got it, Maraich, no fighting in the car!... Oh, look, the steering wheel broke off.

Maraich Juschenfe:
PUT IT BACK ON, PATALLIRO!

[Koko screams at the sight of Patalliro]

Dr. Christian:
[bursts in] Koko, what's wrong?

Koko:
Just now... I saw something disgusting...

Dr. Christian:
Something disgusting? Like what?

Koko:
It was like the remains of a mollusc...

Patalliro:
[hiding under the bed] What's that supposed to mean?

Patalliro:
It's strange. Bancoran hasn't gone to the bathroom since early this morning.

Tamanegi:
Beautiful people don't go to the bathroom!

Patalliro:
...And they can live?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
You thought I was having an affair to begin with! What were you thinking?

Patalliro:
[stuck in a hole] Recently you hadn't been joking with me so I got bored!

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
No matter how you look at it, he's still a kid... [Patalliro is pulled out of the hole]

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
[sees Patalliro crying] Get a hold of yourself.

Patalliro:
I can't see... I can't walk...

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
It can't be helped. I'll give you a piggyback ride.

Patalliro:
Really?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
[chuckles] No matter how long we've known each other, I still can't believe how childish you are... Shall we go? [Patalliro brings a column down on Bancoran]

Patalliro:
No matter how long we've known each other, you still don't understand me. JUSTICE WINS!

Patalliro:
Who are you?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
[holds out an ID] This is who I am.

Patalliro:
A pocketbook vendor? I already have a pocketbook.

Patalliro:
[in a shootout] This is the rumored cockroach leg run! [scarpers]

Patalliro:
Even if you've put me under constant supervision, what are you going to do? There's only one bed!

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
It can't be helped; we'll share the bed.

Patalliro:
...Do you intend to rape me?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
I'd rather jump in the Thames River and drown myself! [Patalliro looks at Bancoran for a long time]

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
What is it?

Patalliro:
[simpers] Bishonen Killer... when you put it like that, you truly are sexy. Okay, I'll order you to entertain me tonight. [skips into bed]

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
You idiot, why would anyone do a thing like that if it wasn't their duty?

Patalliro:
What's wrong?

Jada:
Someone is watching. It reminds me of the Major's eyes...

Patalliro:
It's just you! If I hadn't kept him up all night you would have endured him in YOUR bed!

Jada:
I would have been all right with that...

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
You're taking Jada with you? We haven't finished our investigation yet!

Patalliro:
I got permission. I'll take him back and make him confess to what the Minister asked him to.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Will he talk?

Patalliro:
[takes out ten thousand pounds] I told him I'd give him half of this, so he happily agreed.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Where'd you get all that money?

Patalliro:
Don't say it like that! A certain person gave it to me as a gift.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
You're lying!

Patalliro:
[simpers] Do these eyes lie?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Your eyes are more untrustworthy than anyone else's!

Patalliro:
As I thought. Actually, I got it from the director of the art museum.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
The director of the art museum?

Patalliro:
Those guys attacked me there. I could have had him fired, and at worst turn it into an international incident. So he gave me ten thousand pounds.

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Isn't that blackmail?

Patalliro:
I think of it as a present to Malynera.

Patalliro:
[gropes Bancoran] How many boys have you made cry up to now?

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Don't cling!

[in bed with Bancoran]

Patalliro:
[groans] If it's you, Bancoran... don't touch me there...

[Bancoran switches on the light, and sees Patalliro is talking in his sleep]

Jack Barbarosa Bancoran:
Stop having such weird dreams!