Phil of the Future

Keely Teslow:
She's in Indonesia.

Phil Diffy:
You have your latitude and longitude mixed up. She's next to Kid Rock and Ricki Lake.

Keely Teslow:
I know a shortcut through Tiger Woods.

Phil Diffy:
Well, the Giggle is only designed for one.

Keely Teslow:
We can sit close.

Phil Diffy:
Okay. [Scoots over so Keely can sit beside him very close]

Keely Teslow:
[her cheek right next to his] You okay?

Phil Diffy:
[smiles, happy at Keely's closeness] Uh-uh.

Phil Diffy:
I don't wanna be your girlfriend. I wanna be your *boy*friend. [stops startled and off Keely's equally surprised look] I mean, your friend... who's a boy. A guy. A guy friend.

Keely Teslow:
Why didn't you tell me?

Phil Diffy:
I didn't know how.

Keely Teslow:
Phil, you can tell me anything. [takes him by his shoulders] I'm your girlfriend. I, I, I mean... your friend who's a girl. A gal. A gal friend.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
[to officer] She only had one name, Pim... tall, long blonde hair... yet strangely attractive. [realising the officer is still writing] Hey, don't write that!

Keely Teslow:
I can't stand her! I wish a building would fall on her! I wish she'd get stung by a fifty-pound bee!

Keely Teslow:
[switching to Phil's bedroom, Phil playing drums] I wish a dog would mistake her for a fire hydrant! I wish the US Women's Soccer team would use her as a football!

Phil Diffy:
Hey, how about being run over by a steam roller?

Keely Teslow:
[giving him a look] Phil, grow up!

Keely Teslow:
[to Phil] Um, too many people!

Phil Diffy:
Uh, Mom, Dad?

Lloyd Diffy:
But it's my house!

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
I think that's more the woman's job. Surely you know how it is, Mr. Diffy?

Lloyd Diffy:
[chuckling] And how! [seeing Barbara's face] H-How dare you say that, you insensitive clod! Uh, honey, give him the talk you always give me!

Pim Diffy:
[talking to Phil scratching Curtis' head] Now stop before he goes on the floor.

Joel Messerschmidt:
OK, people, we will be having a surprise test next week. Part of the surprise is that the test is tomorrow. Studying is recommended, though futile.

Keely Teslow:
[cheerfully] Hey! So I got your message. Where's your racket?

Phil Diffy:
My dad says our puddinator project will draw a lot of attention and that people will find out that we're from the future... My family has to move.

Keely Teslow:
This is crazy! We had all these plans! We were gonna go fishing this summer and I hate fishing. The only reason I was gonna go was because I thought it'd be fun with you! [pause] S-so when are you leaving?

Phil Diffy:
Tonight.

Keely Teslow:
T-tonight? This isn't fair! It just seems like kids should have a say in whether they move or not!

Phil Diffy:
[quietly] Tell me about it.

Keely Teslow:
So, you wanna play one last game of tennis? [throws the ball to Phil]

Phil Diffy:
Keely, you know I do. I can't. I have to help pack. [cuts to Keely, speechless]

Phil Diffy:
Bye, Keel. [hugs Keely, then starts walking away. Stops and throws the ball. Offscreen a cat screeches, ruining the sad Pheely moment]

Phil Diffy:
[shouts] Sorry! [pulls a face and walks out of the shot]

Keely Teslow:
[quietly] Bye, Phil.

[Pim is foiled by static electricity and her hair is smoking in the hallway]

Mr. Hackett:
[cheerfully] No smoking! [she glares at him]

Phil Diffy:
[walks in and sees Sir Issac Newton and Albert Einstein at the table] Phil, I told you not to use holographic geniuses to help you with your homework.

Phil Diffy:
They're no help at all, and they're the biggest nerds of all times.

Lloyd Diffy:
[looking in the fridge] Hey, who drank all my juice boxes?

[they hide the juice boxes under the table]

Pim Diffy:
[balloons are attracted to Curtis when he builds up static electricity] Amazing, how did you harness such power?

Curtis:
Balloons like Curtis... Curtis like balloons!

Phil Diffy:
We've got to stop her. That's what we've got to do. We need to think of a plan.

Keely Teslow:
Okay. [long pause] Are you thinking of a plan? Cause' I'm just looking serious.

Phil Diffy:
Keely, Keely, Keely.

Keely Teslow:
[pushes Phil gently] Don't you triple Keely me!

Barbara Diffy:
That's perfect! I could be the hostess with the mostess!

Pim Diffy:
Mom, you can't even make toastess.

Keely Teslow:
In the future, will you wait for me?

Phil Diffy:
Really? 'Cause you'll be really really old.

Phil Diffy:
But that shouldn't matter. See you, pepper.

Keely Teslow:
See you, salt.

Keely Teslow:
In... in other news... Oh, whats the point, we all know nothing's going to top that!

Pim Diffy:
[fighting over carton of milk] You used up all the milk!

Phil Diffy:
That's because you used up all the ugly!

Pim Diffy:
You ate all the toast!

Phil Diffy:
I thought it was only fair, I ate all the cereal [smirks]

Barbara Diffy:
Calm down, you two. There's plenty more toast [puts some down on table]

Phil Diffy:
[sarcastic] Oh no, I upset shorty!

Pim Diffy:
That does it!

Phil Diffy:
You wanna say that standing up?

Phil Diffy:
[Has turned into a five-year-old because of an accident while babysitting] I'M PHIL OF THE FUTURE!

Lloyd Diffy:
Phil, are you, five?

Phil Diffy:
...No.

Lloyd Diffy:
Really? Cause you look pretty five. [Phil shakes his head] Tell me if you think this is funny. Knock, knock.

Phil Diffy:
Who's there?

Lloyd Diffy:
Boo.

Phil Diffy:
Boo who?

Lloyd Diffy:
Stop cryin and I'll tell ya. [Phil finds it very amusing, covering his face with his hand] That's it, you ARE five!

Phil Diffy, Keely Teslow:
Cutest Couple?

Keely Teslow:
We do kinda hang out a lot... together.

Phil Diffy:
Yeah. I guess someone could... mistakenly... think we're one of... those things

Keely Teslow:
Yes yes, they definetly could... mistakenly

Phil Diffy:
Unless... do you want to be a couple?

Keely Teslow:
No!

Phil Diffy:
No...

Keely Teslow:
Do you?

Phil Diffy:
No...

Keely Teslow:
Yes!

Phil Diffy:
Yes?

Keely Teslow:
I do!

Phil Diffy:
Me too!

Keely Teslow:
Yay, we're a couple!

Phil Diffy:
Shh!

Keely Teslow:
Phil, the whole school just voted us cutest couple. I think they know.

Phil Diffy:
[Phil is sleeping on the way back to 2121. He suddenly wakes up, wide eyed] Uh-oh.

Pim Diffy:
Uh-oh.

Barbara Diffy:
What are you two- uh-oh.

Lloyd Diffy:
That's three 'uh-oh's; what's the matter.

Phil Diffy:
I think we forgot something.

Lloyd Diffy:
[Turns around, looking for something] You know we could just keep on going.

Barbara Diffy:
Lloyd.

[Lloyd sighes and starts to reverse the time engine]

Curtis:
[Curtis enters the former Diffy household, and opens the fridge. He suddenly pops his head up with a chicken leg in his mouth] Hello? Anybody... home...

[starts to whine like a dog]

Keely Teslow:
[doing the morning announcements] Cutest couple: Keely Teslow and Phil Diffy... WHAT THE?

Keely Teslow:
Phil! You're still here! Does that mean you're not going?

Phil Diffy:
No, no I'm still going.

Keely Teslow:
Oh.

Phil Diffy:
I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye for real.

Keely Teslow:
Yeah

Phil Diffy:
[kisses her passionately and everyone cheers]

Phil Diffy:
[Walks into the house happyily and goes over to hig Barbara and Pim] Hello wonderful family, sweet sweet Pim.

Pim Diffy:
[Pushes Phil away in disgust] Ew!

Phil Diffy:
Doesn't everything seem more colorful today?

Barbara Diffy:
Phil we've got some great news!

Phil Diffy:
And so do I... Keely and I are [dramatic pause] together!

Barbara Diffy:
[Runs over to hug Phil in delight] Oh honey that's so wonderful! [Face then falls] In a horribly sad and heart-wrenching way.

Phil Diffy:
Why?

Pim Diffy:
We're going home! Still up for that hug? [holds arms out]

Pim Diffy:
[Watches Lloyd dissapear in the time machine and sighs] I'm going to miss him. I'd have to say dad had his moments, he was a big hearted man, an honest man, a tall man.

Barbara Diffy:
Pim!

Pim Diffy:
Just saying... that guy at the grocery store thinks you're cute and he is Ri-ich!

Lloyd Diffy:
[Holds up hammer above time engine then gasps when he sees another hammer] Barb! What are you doing with that hammer?

Barbara Diffy:
Thought I might try to open a coconut, I was in the mood for coconut [looks at Llyod] What were you doing with your hammer?

Lloyd Diffy:
[chuckles nervously] Uh also a coconut, its funny huh?

Phil Diffy:
[Enters kitchen and turns on the light] What's going on?

Barbara Diffy, Lloyd Diffy:
Nothing... nothing

Phil Diffy:
You guys were about to destroy the time engine!

Lloyd Diffy:
No no! Coconuts!

Lloyd Diffy:
[Goes over to Phil and puts and arm around him] Hey buddy, your mom and I are so proud of you and how you've grown into such a responsible young man.

Phil Diffy:
Well then you better go back to bed before you start seeing me start crying.

Pim Diffy:
[Groggily walks into kitchen] What's going on?

Barbara Diffy:
Hey sweetie what are you doing up?

Pim Diffy:
Um... [sledgehammer drops onto the floor] ok, who else used the coconut excuse?

Phil Diffy:
[looks at Keely] I gotta go, my dad's waiting in the time machine [record scratches and Phil and Keely look nervously at the school camera] Time machine ride... at the amusement park!

Phil Diffy:
[pulls Keely into a hug]

Keely Teslow:
[whispers in Phil's ear, so that only he could hear] In the future will you wait for me?

Phil Diffy:
But... Won't you be really, really old? [Keely gives him a knowing look, and smirks]

Phil Diffy:
But that shouldn't matter... [smiles] See ya, Salt.

Keely Teslow:
See ya, Pepper. [pulls him into one last kiss]

Keely Teslow:
[trying to proceed the broadcast after kissing Phil goodbye live on TV] In another news... Well, we all know that nothing's gonna top that. [throws the notes up in the air and smiles sadly]

Keely Teslow:
They're all so hard hitting. I don't know where to start.

Phil Diffy:
[holds out cue cards] Pick a story, any story.

Keely Teslow:
[Picks with eyes closed, then reads] Are cheerleaders skirts too short?

Phil Diffy:
Brilliant! I'll get right on it! [Runs out of classroom]

Keely Teslow:
[picks up cue cards and starts going through them] Wait a minute! These all say that! Phil!

Phil Diffy:
[Returns to classroom] huh? [Keely holds up the cards and Phil gulps] Fine. We'll go with stinky-janitor story

Keely Teslow:
Actually, I'm here to see Pim.

Barbara Diffy:
Why what did she do to you?

Keely Teslow:
N-nothing.

Barbara Diffy:
[scream] Lloyd! Get the checkbook!

Keely Teslow:
No really...

Barbara Diffy:
Honey whatever she broke, injured or humiliated we will take care of it.

Keely Teslow:
Honestly, everything's fine.

Lloyd Diffy:
Hey what's the with the hardball, just give me a round number.

Phil Diffy:
Keely's more than just a pretty face. She has a brain for facts, and a nose for news, and a mouth for saying... facts and news!

[Keely and Pim are talking in the kitchen. Phil comes in]

Phil Diffy:
[screams] Keely! Be careful! It's Pim!

Phil Diffy:
[in flashback] Don't worry. The last thing I wanna do is to be stuck in 2003.

Pim Diffy:
[in flashback] Yes, I'm aware that there's a time machine right behind me, but that doesn't mean Dad's gonna let you use it. Unlike you he doesn't get all goofy over some stupid 2003 girl.

Phil Diffy:
I'm not getting all goofy over some stupid 2003 girl! [pauses] She's not stupid.

Barbara Diffy:
Phil, I'm very disappointed in you. [Lloyd leaves the room] Even though that was a really sweet thing you did for Keely.

Phil Diffy:
Yeah, but I didn't mean for the whole family to get stuck here.

Keely Teslow:
Maybe it was meant to be.

Phil Diffy, Pim Diffy, Barbara Diffy, Keely Teslow:
[singing] Oh robo-tree, oh robo-tree / You're programmed just to thrill us / Oh robo-tree, oh robo-tree / It's Christmas, please don't kill us / We didn't mean to make you frown / Release our kids and put them down / Why didn't we buy astro-tree / It's guaranteed not to kill us / / Or your money back.

Lloyd Diffy:
Aw come on guys, you gotta love this American Folk Music. How about Millie kissed a catfish? Here we go.

Phil Diffy:
[stops Lloyd] Uh Dad I want to but I gotta meet Keely at the mall.

Pim Diffy:
[Lloyd looks at Pim] And I... just don't want to.

Phil Diffy:
[to Keely] Do you think someone actually can die of embarrassment?

Keely Teslow:
Maybe you guys could just talk to him about this?

Phil Diffy:
And say what? "Dad, I wish you wouldn't embarrass me. Dad, I wish you were cooler."

Keely Teslow:
Wait, wait. We can teach your dad how to be cooler. Why don't we use that totally awesome replicator thingy?

Phil Diffy:
Then we'd have two goofy dads.

Keely Teslow:
Guess what! I got us tickets to a sneak preview of 'Samurai Love You'.

Phil Diffy:
Ooo, Samurai-don't-think-so; it sounds like a chick-flick. I'm out.

Keely Teslow:
Come on, I went to that science fiction movie and sat through two and a half hours of you going 'Wrong, wrong, wrong!'.

Phil Diffy:
But, it was all wrong!

Phil Diffy:
I wish you did remember though, for a while there it was kind of like we were married.

Keely Teslow:
Was it fun?

Phil Diffy:
Yeah... it was fun.

Keely Teslow:
Cool, well I better get to class.

Phil Diffy:
Yeah

Keely Teslow:
See ya at lunch sweetie pie [stops then turns towards Phil] I-I mean Phil.

Lloyd Diffy:
We're doomed! He saw everything, I know it!

Phil Diffy:
Dad, we don't know that he saw anything.

Lloyd Diffy:
He'll tell someone, and then they will tell someone, and then the whole world will know that the Diffys are from the future!

Keely Teslow:
I haven't told anyone!

Lloyd Diffy:
Yes, but who's gonna believe you?

Pim Diffy:
As always, I have the solution. [everyone pays close attention to her] We sell the house and skip town.

Lloyd Diffy:
[as Phil] Here we are. Barbara and Lloyd Diffy. The Diffys.

Barbara Diffy:
[as Keely] That's us. Mr. and Mrs. Phil Diffy. [Lloyd/Phil and Mr. Hackett both give her a look] I mean Lloyd Diffy.

Keely Teslow:
[sighs] So why aren't you at the concert?

Phil Diffy:
This is more important. I made a commitment to a friend.

Keely Teslow:
Heh. Don't do this for me...

Phil Diffy:
I'm not.

Keely Teslow:
Oh.

Phil Diffy:
I'm doing it for Max

Phil Diffy:
I don't get it, I mean first he wins the metal, then he gives it away. I mean what's the point?

Keely Teslow:
I want one.

Phil Diffy:
Ok. See here's the thing, there's this guy at school, he's really good at gymnastics and everyone is really impressed with him, even Keely. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does.

Lloyd Diffy:
Well Phil, as a concerned parent. Let me ask you, how does that make you feel?

Phil Diffy:
I just told you... it bothers me.

Phil Diffy:
[Phil and Keely start dancing and suddenly stop after they see each other] I'm just happy for the environment!

Keely Teslow:
Yeah, me too. Go Earth!

Barbara Diffy:
Aw. You girls look wonderful.

Owen:
Actually, in my opion they're the second and third best looking women in the room, Mrs. Diffy.

Barbara Diffy:
Thank you, O-dog.

Keely Teslow:
Hey, Phil, um, I'm gonna head home.

Phil Diffy:
Wait!

Keely Teslow:
[looks back and walks closer to the door]

Phil Diffy:
Um, another thing I learned from time traveling is sometimes . . . you've gotta create your own timing.

Phil Diffy:
[turns off the light, music starts to play, gets Keely by the hand and they start to slow dance]

Pim Diffy:
[Slow dance music changes to hard rock music] Yeah, let's Pim-Up the volume!

Phil Diffy:
[to Keely] See what I mean about timing

Phil Diffy:
I told you the next day I was staying! And you look pretty darn hot for someone who's not interested in Owen!

Keely Teslow:
The next day was too late. And you look pretty darn adorable too not being interested in Via! You are not interested in Via, right?

Phil Diffy:
Of course not! I'm just adorable!

Mr. Hackett:
What's the first rule of A.V. club?

Phil Diffy:
Don't talk about A.V. club!

Phil Diffy:
Mr. Hackett, we have something to tell you about Foucault's Last Conundrum.

Mr. Hackett:
Mr. Diffy, I sense a confession coming on.

[grabs a courtroom typewriter and sits]

Mr. Hackett:
Continue.

Keely Teslow:
Phil, you could get suspended for cheating!

Phil Diffy:
Well, I can't risk exposing the truth about my family, and we can't go on pretending that you're smart. [Keely gives him a stern look] In math.

Keely Teslow:
Good save.

Debbie Berwick:
Oh, no, Phil. Don't go and do something silly.

[blocks lasers with arms]

Pim Diffy:
Where do you think you're going number 83?

Neckbrace Lana:
Uh, to the bathroom.

Pim Diffy:
We had a bathroom break 7 hours ago.

Neckbrace Lana:
I got thirsty.

Pim Diffy:
Don't drink.

Neckbrace Lana:
But breathing in all this flower dust makes my mouth dry.

Pim Diffy:
Then don't breathe.

Debbie Berwick:
'Cause I have bog plans for us. [in a guy voice] Big plans! Oo, time to recharge. [sticks glowing thing on the back of her neck]

Pim Diffy:
Good nibblets, Debbie, you're a cyborg!

Debbie Berwick:
[in a guy voice and lifts Pim off the floor] You got a problem with that?

Keely Teslow:
[about Halloween costumes] A chair? We could do better than that. I'm thinking something two-headed. Like a... two-headed business man!

Phil Diffy:
Or a two-headed hockey player!

Keely Teslow:
A two-headed hockey player! That's exactly what I was thinking!

Phil Diffy:
You said business man.

Keely Teslow:
I said business man, but I was thinking hockey player! We are totally on the same page.

Lloyd Diffy:
You're a... a-a-a-a... a... Helmet Man! Protector of the universe, with your trusty sidekick Stick Boy!

Phil Diffy:
No.

Lloyd Diffy:
I give up.

Phil Diffy:
This is only part of the costume. Keely and I are going as a two-headed hockey player.

Lloyd Diffy:
Two-headed hockey player, huh? That's original.

Keely Teslow:
Maybe she had a change of heart?

Phil Diffy:
Pim? Heart? That's crazy talk.

Debbie Berwick:
Phil, Keely... Are you here to join my angels?

Phil Diffy:
No, we're not.

Keely Teslow:
We know you're a cyborg!

Phil Diffy:
What you're doing is not right, this gotta stop.

Keely Teslow:
We know you're a cyborg!

Debbie Berwick:
There's nothing wrong with helping others.

Phil Diffy:
I know that, but not the way you're going about it. Just because you have a good purpose in mind, doesn't mean you can go around treating everybody like dirt.

Keely Teslow:
We know you're a cyborg!

Keely Teslow:
[after Phil melts down the cyborg] Phil, you did it! You taught me the true meaning of Halloween.

Phil Diffy:
[confused] What?

Keely Teslow:
Never mind.

Lloyd Diffy, Phil Diffy, Barbara Diffy:
[singing] Happy Nird-Day. Happy Nird-Day. You're brand new. You're brand new. Your code is in the system, you've got global wisdom. Good for you! Good for You!

Pim Diffy, Phil Diffy:
Dad!

Phil Diffy:
Dad... Pim's being nice to me.

Lloyd Diffy:
Pim stop being nice to your brother!

Pim Diffy:
[Covers mouth with her hand] I can't help it!

Lloyd Diffy:
Then Phil whatever you're doing to make your sister be nice to you, knock it off. [scoffs then walks away]

Pim Diffy:
[Holds arms out to Phil] What could be better then giving your baby sister a hug?

Phil Diffy:
[Stops her from hugging him] Let's see, getting my teeth drilled, falling on broken glass, licking a cactus.

Phil Diffy:
[Credits start, but he stops them and looks at the camera] I'm not finished. Slamming my hand in a car door, pouring salt on a paper cut, wrestling a porcupine.

Phil Diffy:
[Looks back at camera] I'm done.

Phil Diffy:
[Pulls Pim into an empty classroom] Pim something is really wrong with us!

Pim Diffy:
First of all it's lil' Pim. And second of all [jumps off desk] I know! I can't stop being nice to him!

Phil Diffy:
[Smiles at Pim sweetly] It's ok, you're really pretty when you're nice [Runs hands through hair and face] Aaah! The lies keep getting bigger!

Lloyd Diffy:
[talks to Pim and Phil through the communicator] It's a future disease, it's not dangerous. It affects your personality, changes it temporarily. Phil, usually a straight shooter is now a despicable liar.

Phil Diffy:
Hah! Excellent!

Lloyd Diffy:
And Pim brace yourself, you're now the daughter that every parent dreams of.

Pim Diffy:
I love you daddy.

Lloyd Diffy:
Wow, you really have it a bad.

Lloyd Diffy:
[Throw telephone into the dishwasher] We're all allowed to use the phone!

Phil Diffy:
Dad! You've gotta ignore me alright? I've got to find... [Struggles with trying not to lie] lose Keely! Some guy didn't ask her out and now I have to let them go!

Lloyd Diffy:
[Slapping his cheeks] Focus Lloyd!

Lloyd Diffy:
[looks at Phil] Alright some guy...

Phil Diffy:
[Nodding happily] No!

Lloyd Diffy:
Asked Keely out...

Phil Diffy:
[Nodding harder] No!

Lloyd Diffy:
And if you don't stop her they'll be out on a date!

Phil Diffy:
[Nodding and smiling] You're totally missing the point!

Lloyd Diffy:
[Starts lying] Well son you I know couldn't care less but you can go [locks the backdoor and guards it]

Phil Diffy:
[Give his dad a death glare] You've really mad me happy Dad.

Lil Danny Dawkins:
[to Phil when Pim hugs him] What's wrong with her?

Phil Diffy:
Don't take it too personally. She just hugged a trash can.

Pim Diffy:
I'm a nightmare of niceness!

Keely Teslow:
Bruno... I gotta go with the troll.

Bruno:
Can't say I blame you. He's adorable. Yeah... [walks away]

Phil Diffy:
It was the beard, wasn't it?

Bruno:
The beard on its own, not so much. But when you have the nickname "Trollboy" and green skin, it's every girl's dream.

Keely Teslow:
Bruno... I gotta go with the troll.

Bruno:
Can't say I blame you. He's adorable. Yeah... [walks away]

Phil Diffy:
It was the beard, wasn't it?

Keely Teslow:
The beard on its own, not so much. But when you have the nickname "Trollboy" and green skin, it's every girl's dream.

Keely Teslow:
I know it must be really hard for you, Phil. I mean, you're this great guy, you're good at all these things... Man, you're smart. You must want everyone to know who you really are.

Phil Diffy:
[pauses] No. One person's enough. [Keely smiles slightly, clearly satisfied with the answer. They then exchange meaningful looks]

Keely Teslow:
Your dad doesn't come home until...MESSERSCHMIDT!

Pim Diffy:
MESSERSCHMIDT!

Candida:
MESSERSCHMIDT!

Phil Diffy:
Messer-ba-ba...what she said!

Phil Diffy, Keely Teslow:
Mustache, mustache, mustache.

Phil Diffy:
[as a five-year-old] Dun-dun-dun-dun - I'm Phil of the Future!

Lloyd Diffy:
[to Phil] I'm not gonna ground you, but technically, you're not leaving the house for a week.

Pim Diffy:
I don't use the word "cuddly" very often... [Curtis belches] Never mind.

[Curtis has just been shaved, and Keely just hugged Phil for pulling off the plan]

Curtis:
Next time, shave Phil, hug Curtis.

Keely Teslow:
Oh, come here...

Curtis:
No, no, too late. [walks away]

Bradley Benjamin Farmer:
[sees Pim] Ah, there's the little women.

Pim Diffy:
I wouldn't being using the 'L' word if I were you, Thumbellina.

Phil Diffy:
I think you can do this.

Keely Teslow:
Really?

Phil Diffy:
I promise. Uh, just to be on the safe side... Before tryouts, eat a light breakfast.

Keely Teslow:
Next time I perform, I don't think I need you there at all.

Phil Diffy:
Okay. I'll try to remember not to show up.

Keely Teslow:
But I want you there! Full size. [they hug. Then Keely realises Phil has his back covered in chocolate and lets go of him quickly]

Alice Da Luce:
[Keely is about to take a picture of her and Phil] How do we look? [Keely zooms in so the picture shows just Phil]

Keely Teslow:
Perfect. [takes the picture]

Kyle:
Prank-pulling is in my blood.

Pim Diffy:
It is my blood.

Keely Teslow:
Phil, it's not going to change the course of history if you eat a slice of pizza!

Pim Diffy:
I don't want to *work* for the man. I want to *be* the man. Except with a "wuh" in front of it.

Phil Diffy:
[picks up phone and looks through the window] Keely!

Keely Teslow:
Phil! Are you ok?

Phil Diffy:
I'm not going to lie to you. It's hard in here but I'm going to tough it out. Keely I had to do it, those career tests are wrong. Hehh... it's so cold.

Keely Teslow:
[puts her hand on the window and Phil does the same thing] I'll knit you a scarf. With a hallpass in it!

Phil Diffy:
I gotta go

Keely Teslow:
[overdramatically] I'll wait for you!

Phil Diffy:
Even Pim has her career all picked out. And that's really scary.

Keely Teslow:
Phil, you'll be great at whatever you decide. And if you can't decide, no big! If everyone in the world were successful, we wouldn't be able to tell the winners from the losers. [Phil looks at her, slightly hurt] That didn't come out right.

Barbara Diffy:
It seems like only yesterday when Phil ate breakfast here [points at the dining table] .

Pim Diffy:
It was yesterday.

Phil Diffy:
[has a wig and women clothes on] Pim! Do you think this is funny?

Pim Diffy:
Not yet. But it'll be hilarious when I put it out on my blog!

Phil Diffy:
I think I spend enough time with you all in my room. [to Barbara] You just walk in whenever you want. [to Lloyd] You store all your time machine junk in there. [to Pim] And you... live here!

Phil Diffy:
Where am I gonna sleep?

Barbara Diffy:
You'll just have to bunk with Pim until we can get this fixed. [Phil and Pim look at each other, then laugh hysterically]

Phil Diffy:
I'm not the caveman here.

Curtis:
Could've fooled Curtis.

Curtis:
Pim no scare Curtis. [Pim does a lion's roar] Okay, Pim scare Curtis a little...

Phil Diffy:
[Phil and Keely are locked inside the garage] Curtis, listen to me; go into the kitchen and get the key. Understand? The key.

Curtis:
Key...Oh! [Curtis nods and runs off]

Phil Diffy:
[Curtis appears with a tea pot on a tray] No, not tea! [Curtis shakes his head] Key!

Curtis:
Oooh! [Curtis runs off again]

Phil Diffy:
[He then appears with a quiche] No, we do not need a quiche!

Curtis:
No quiche?

Phil Diffy:
We need a key!

Curtis:
Oooh! [Curtis runs off for the third time. He drags in a man carrying a large bottle of water] Ta-da!

Keely Teslow:
Phil, who is that?

Phil Diffy:
That's our water delivery guy, Keith. [Keith waves at Phil] Nice try Curtis.

Curtis:
[Curtis throws Keith off camera and shrugs]

Keely Teslow:
[Phil and Keely are locked in the garage, with the phone outside] Phil, I have an idea! We're locked in here, so we should call a locksmith. They have those special un-locky tools; they can get us out.

Phil Diffy:
Keel, the phone's out there, remember?!

Keely Teslow:
Exactly! So when they get here, they can hand it to us! [Phil simply looks gobsmacked]

Keely Teslow:
She tricked us!

Phil Diffy:
You think?

Phil Diffy:
Pim, you're letting us out, right now! You can't see this, but I'm putting my foot down!

Phil Diffy:
Stand back, I think I can break this door down.

Keely Teslow:
No way. It's too thick!

Phil Diffy:
No. The secret is just not to hesitate. [runs towards the door, but gets hurt in his shoulder]

Keely Teslow:
I think you hesitated.

Phil Diffy:
Of course I hesitated!

[Lloyd and Barbara are driving, but get stopped by the police]

Officer Bunkley:
Have you been drinking?

Lloyd Diffy:
Haven't I? I've been doing nothing but! [drinks from a bottle]

Phil Diffy:
We've got to stop her. That's what we've got to do. We need to think of a plan.

Keely Teslow:
Okay.

[long pause]

Keely Teslow:
Are you thinking of a plan? 'Cause I'm just looking serious.

Keely Teslow:
Phil, Phil, Phil! There's a big teacher's conference at lunch today, so we're all out to go off campus for lunch.

Phil Diffy:
I know. It was on the morning announcements. I was the one who read it on the morning announcements. You were there.

Keely Teslow:
Holy cow!

Phil Diffy:
Bull, actually.

Pim Diffy:
You wanted to see me, sir?

Mr. Hackett:
Ah, miss Voyant. Claire Voyant, I believe. Have a seat.

Mr. Hackett:
Can you tell me something about my future?

Pim Diffy:
Hm, let's see... I see growth.

Mr. Hackett:
Hair growth?

Pim Diffy:
Why not.

Phil Diffy:
[as Keely] So, here's the deal.

Grady Spaggett:
There's a deal?

Phil Diffy:
Couldn't help but noticing that you were sort of into a certain someone in science class! Let's call her... Grace?

Grady Spaggett:
What? Me? No, no. No! [pauses] Isn't she wonderful?

Phil Diffy:
[claps his hands girly] I knew it!

Grady Spaggett:
How would you know?

Phil Diffy:
Let's just say a girl knows... [Grady gives him a look] And... a guy knows even better! Hahahah! Rawrrr!

Keely Teslow:
So what do we do now?

Phil Diffy:
[laughs resigned] I knew this was gonna turn into "we".

Phil Diffy:
Okay. What did she say she likes about me?

Keely Teslow:
Pretty much everything. How cute you are, how nice you are, smart, blah, blah, blah.

Phil Diffy:
Well, that sounds about right. [Keely gives him a look] Wait, what if I wasn't? What if I was the opposite of all those things? Then I wouldn't have to hurt her feelings, and she would just not like me that much!

Keely Teslow:
Perfect!

Phil Diffy:
Tell me again what she likes about me?

Keely Teslow:
That you're cute, smart, nice... Oh, you are so loving this, aren't you?

Phil Diffy:
Yes. Yes, I am.

Grace:
I thought this was going to be just the two of us.

Phil Diffy:
Well, you know how we always talked about the four of us getting together?

Grace:
No.

Phil Diffy:
Well, now we can!

Keely Teslow:
It just drives me crazy when two people who are supposed to be together are too clueless to do anything about it. [looks up] Wow, the stars look beautiful tonight.

Phil Diffy:
[looking at Keely] Yeah.

Phil Diffy:
Your kissing is better than ever Tanner! Oh, no! Keely!

Phil Diffy:
[has to sit next to a girl in second grade's "Quiet Club"] What are you in for?

Tanner:
Diffy! Are you gonna make me look like a jerk again today?

Phil Diffy:
Please. That's like trying to make Shaquille O'Neal look tall. He can do it on his own.

Keely Teslow:
Ta-dow!

Phil Diffy:
Well, the Giggle is only designed for one.

Keely Teslow:
We can sit close.

Phil Diffy:
Okay.

[Scoots over so Keely can sit beside him very close]

Keely Teslow:
[her cheek right next to his.] You okay?

Phil Diffy:
[smiles, happy at Keely's closeness.] Uh-huh.

Keely Teslow:
[Keely is standing against a large picture of some mountains] This is Keely Teslow reporting live from the bitterly cold Antarctica. I'm standing not that far...

[the camera starts to drop]

Keely Teslow:
...from the South Pole...

[the shot changes to Phil, who is falling asleep against the camera. Keely crouches down towards the ground]

Keely Teslow:
Phil! Phil!

Phil Diffy:
[Phil wakes up and pulls the camera back up] Keely look, no one actually does extra curricular activities this early. The Sunrise Club doesn't even meet for another hour.

Keely Teslow:
I need to put together a flashy demo reel. I'm going to be applying for journalism school in just 162 weeks!

Phil Diffy:
Keely I thought you said you wanted to be a pop star, all right. I mean that's why you spend all your babysitting money on pop star pants.

Keely Teslow:
Please, I don't want a 'show-off' career. I want to be reporting hard-hitting stories...and those pants are gonna look great on me anytime, anywhere. Hey, let's do a no-scope piece into a lead story; gimme some blizzard!

[Phil turns on the wind machine]

Keely Teslow:
I said BLIZZARD!!

[Phil turns the wind machine to full blast. Keely staggers slightly]

Keely Teslow:
WHERE'S MY SNOW?!

[Phil gets out a bucket of fake snow and starts to throw it merrily into the wind machine]

Keely Teslow:
THIS IS KEELY TESLOW, REPORTING LIVE FROM THE FROSTY TUNDRA OF ANTARCTICA, IN THE HEART OF A MIGHTY SNOW STORM!

[Phil thorws a rubber fish at Keely, and continues to throw the snow. Keely catches the fish.]

Keely Teslow:
WHICH IS STARTING TO HAVE AN EFFECT ON ANTARCTIC JUMPING FISH!

[The picture of the mountians is ripped off the wall]

Keely Teslow:
ARGH! THE SOUTH POLE HAS LITERALLY BEEN BLOWN OFF THE MAP!!

[Keely screams then falls over]

Phil Diffy:
[Seeing that Keely has fallen over, Phil stops throwing the snow] Now that's a hard hitting story!

Phil Diffy:
[to Keely] This is great! You're a reporter, wearing your popstar pants!

Barbara Diffy:
[sees Pim's Bedroom for the first time] Pim! This is the room of a malevolent dictator! A person bent on dominating the Earth!

Pim Diffy:
I'm *home*!

Phil Diffy:
She's making me do all the girl stuff that she used to do with Tia, like go shopping! I now own at least three halter tops.

Barbara Diffy:
Phil, you don't have to buy them.

Phil Diffy:
Well, when she buys one I get one half off, I'd be crazy not to.

Phil Diffy:
On Saturday, Keely went to the mall. Guess who went with her?

Owen:
[mocking cheerleader voice] Um, her bestest girlfriend "Phil"?

Phil Diffy:
Nope. Via. Then on Sunday she went to try this new highlight thing with her hair. Guess who went with her? Via! Then yesterday she spent three hours shopping for a sweater. Guess with who?

Owen:
Via?

Phil Diffy:
No. Her mom. But they met up with Via later and rented

[mocking voice]

Phil Diffy:
Lost Pony 2.

Owen:
[disappointed] That pony got lost again?

Owen:
Mm...

Phil Diffy:
I'm a genius.

Keely Teslow:
[Keely arrives and kisses Phil on the cheek, pleasantly surprising him.] That's for introducing me to Via.

Phil Diffy:
I get a kiss every time I introduce you to a girl.

[grabs random girl heading down the hallway]

Phil Diffy:
What's your name? Have you met Keely?

Barbara Diffy:
[Pim is in her 'bedroom', flicking through something on her Wizard. Barb comes in] Hey honey, what are you doing?

Pim Diffy:
Since it doesn't look like we're gonna leave this pointless century any time soon, I figure I might as well unpack and find some furniture.

Barbara Diffy:
Well it's only taken 10 months but that's wonderful, welcome to the family.

Pim Diffy:
Hey, how cool is this [Pim presses a button on the Wizard and a hologram of some futuristic furniture appears] .

Barbara Diffy:
Oh honey, you can't have any of this furniture; it doesn't exist yet.

Pim Diffy:
I know that mom, they're made to order: allow 6 to 7 business seconds for delivery.

Barbara Diffy:
Actually Pim, allow 110 years. These things won't exist until next century.

Pim Diffy:
I am so painfully ahead of my time.

Lloyd Diffy:
Woah, woah, woah! No, put that down! Turn the TV on. It's way better. It's like a book that talks.

Phil Diffy:
Come on, ever since Tia left, you've been using me to do all the things you used to do with her! I don't wanna be your girlfriend, I wanna be your boyfriend! I mean, your friend, as in a boy. A guy. Your guy friend.

Keely Teslow:
So why didn't you just say that?

Phil Diffy:
I didn't know how to tell you.

Keely Teslow:
Phil, you can tell me anything. I'm your girlfriend! Uh... uh... I-I-I-I-I mean a girl, who-who's a friend. You know, a gal... A gal friend!

Barbara Diffy:
Well, at least we'll still have our memories.

Lloyd Diffy:
You guys don't get it. If we never took this trip, we never got stuck here. There are no memories.

Phil Diffy:
But that means we won't remember anything or anybody. I won't remember Keely...she won't remember me.

Pim Diffy:
Good thing she hates your guts, huh.

Barbara Diffy:
And when you were a baby we used to sprinkle your little tooshies with honey-scented moon dust.

Pim Diffy:
That never leaves this house.

Phil Diffy:
Vice Principal Hackett, Keely has an uncanny ability with numbers. She would never know that it was a simple matter of abstract commontronics.

[Vice Principal Hackett looks at him, startled]

Phil Diffy:
Did I say commontronics? What I meant to say was, erm...

[puts on a childish voice]

Phil Diffy:
I like milk.

Keely Teslow:
[about the capsule] Can we put in Owen?

Phil Diffy:
[inscripts in a tree with a future device] There. "Keely and Phil". What do you think?

Keely Teslow:
I like it. But just so you know, in this century, that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do.

Phil Diffy:
Oh. Well, what if I add "friends forever"?

Keely Teslow:
Great! But can you write the number-four instead of the word-for? I mean, "friends 4-ever"?

Phil Diffy:
No. Because that's lame in any century.

Phil Diffy:
This may not seem like much, but it definitely means a lot to my family. I thought that being remembered a hundred years from now wasn't important, but I'd give a hundred years of memories just to remember the most important, special, wonderful person I've ever met... Keely Teslow. [Keely stands there with her mouth open, looking surprised and a little embarrassed, but yet touched] And now... [Lloyd and Barbara looks excited] Goodbye! [lets go of the note, closing his eyes. Nothing happens but Phil standing there, looking ridiculous]

Keely Teslow:
Phil Diffy... This is the most embarrassing moment of my entire life! [pauses, then hugs him, smiles and looks at him for a couple of seconds before running away]

Keely Teslow:
You've gotta go! This will put you on the map.

Phil Diffy:
[Thinks for a moment and then smiles] Ok, yeah cool count me in

Seth Wosmer:
I'm definitely breaking out a fresh pair of undies!

Keely Teslow, Tia:
Ewww

Phil Diffy:
[Phil is pacing up and down the bathroom door, waiting for Pim to leave the bathroom] Pim you've been in their for over an hour, now it's time to face facts; that thing in the mirror is you, get out of there and open the door!

Pim Diffy:
[Pim throws out a towel, a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap] Go nuts!

Phil Diffy:
Pim!

[starts to bang on the door]

Barbara Diffy:
Hey, are you two still fighting?

Phil Diffy:
Well she deliberately takes forever in there just to let me burst.

Barbara Diffy:
Phil honey, you've got to understand; Pim is a girl.

Phil Diffy:
All right for the sake of argument, let's pretend you're right.

Barbara Diffy:
Honey, she's trying to find her own look. [A sound of a saw comes from inside] Oh, she's experimenting with make up.

[A drilling sound comes from inside]

Barbara Diffy:
Even a blemish, it can be a big deal.

[There's an explosion from inside and Phil looks at his smiling mother, startled]

Barbara Diffy:
At her age, appearance is a priority.

Phil Diffy:
Well mother, I just drank a gallon of orange juice; I have my own priorities.

[He hands the things thrown out at him to Barbara]

Pim Diffy:
[Pim finally opens the door and walks out] Differently, achieving this level of coolness takes time.

[Shoves Phil in the shoulder. Phil sprints into the bathroom and closes the door, just as Barbara is about to hand the bathroom objects back to him.]

Pim Diffy:
[as Phil] And here I was making you look so good in science class. So good, in fact, that you're the new captain of the junior science squad.

Phil Diffy:
[As Pim] What?!...I...I can't believe...why don't you just make me the grand marshal of the dweebedy-do-dah parade?!

Lloyd Diffy:
Curtis! You can not eat all those.

Curtis:
Curtis accept challenge! Hahah! [eats all the sausages in two seconds]

Phil Diffy:
[to Keely] I can not believe I have to paint the entire garage door on a Saturday! [uses a future device to get it done] Those are seven seconds of my life I will never get back.

Keely Teslow:
I had an awesome time. Thanks.

Phil Diffy:
You're welcome. And forget about that whole Robby thing.

Keely Teslow:
Not a problem. For starters, with my taste in guys, I may never have a boyfriend. But at least I have great taste in boys. And friends.

Phil Diffy:
That's me. Friend boy.

Keely Teslow:
Sorry I made you jealous. Even though...

Phil Diffy:
Even though... what?

Keely Teslow:
I kind of liked it.

Keely Teslow:
Phil! You can't go around stealing people's burritos!

Phil Diffy:
[Phil runs up to some kid and grabs his burrito abruptly, thinking it's his missing Wizard, while burrito contents spill onto the floor] Uh... Burrito Police! Routine Spot inspection... you're free to go.

Keely Teslow:
Phil! You can't just go around grabbing people's burritos!

Keely Teslow:
Phil, you have to be more careful! The wizard is advanced twenty-second century technology! If it falls into the wrong hands, it could be really dangerous. [Phil looks at her, astounded] See? I listen.

Pim Diffy:
What if I told you I knew where it was?

Phil Diffy:
Thank you.

Pim Diffy:
And it's available for a reasonable price.

Phil Diffy:
Why do I think that "reasonable" means something different to you than it does to me?

Pim Diffy:
Well, for starters, I want your allowance for the month.

Keely Teslow:
Done. [Phil gives her a look] Helping!

Pim Diffy:
[to Keely] And I want yours too.

Phil Diffy:
Done. [Keely gives him a look] Helping!

Phil Diffy:
Alright. I'm going in.

Keely Teslow:
[eagerly] I'm going with you! [Phil looks skeptically at her] We're in this together.

Phil Diffy:
Guys, we don't have to hide. There's gotta be a way to get the wizard back from Hackett. Oh! [everyone looks at him, thinking he has a plan] I got nothing.

Phil Diffy:
Oh no!

Keely Teslow:
What?

Phil Diffy:
My wizard is not in my backpack!

Keely Teslow:
Phil, are you kidding me? After all we just went through?

Phil Diffy:
I don't know how this could happen... Again!

Keely Teslow:
Maybe it's in the gym? Didn't you say you used it to lengthen the width of that medicine ball? Hm?

Phil Diffy:
Yes! Yeah, good call...

Keely Teslow:
Yes. [Phil runs out of the room. Keely continues reading. Phil storms back in]

Phil Diffy:
Nope.

Keely Teslow:
It's probably in home! You went back to get the science experiment you forgot. Yeah!

Phil Diffy:
Excellent memory! Excellent! [runs out again. Keely goes back to reading with a smile on her lips. Phil comes in three seconds later] It's not at home! I checked everywhere.

Keely Teslow:
Hm.

Phil Diffy:
I am dead meat if I lose it again.

Keely Teslow:
Let's think about this... We did go off campus for lunch. Hm.

Phil Diffy:
Morocco! Thank you! What would I do without you? [Phil rushes to the door once again. Keely does her nails while Phil is out. It takes a few extra seconds before he comes in this time]

Keely Teslow:
Did you find it?

Phil Diffy:
[finally realising] Where is it?

Keely Teslow:
Oh, it's... someplace. [picks the wizard up. Phil takes it from her in a second while Keely laughs]

Phil Diffy:
I'm giving you zits from head to toe.

Keely Teslow:
Oh no, you're not!

Phil Diffy:
Oh yeah. Great big zits. [Keely starts running, with Phil not far behind with the wizard, prepared to zit her]

Barbara Diffy:
[putting a carrot to where her pinkie toe should be] Hello! I am a useless pinkie toe! Some day you will be born without me!

Keely Teslow:
Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from Kansas, or some nutjob from Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me.

Phil Diffy:
[pauses] Thank you. That really means a lot to me. It... it means a lot to us.

Lloyd Diffy:
Phil, it looks like your new friend might want a ride home. [throws a future device to him. Phil looks at it, then at Keely, then at his parents]

Phil Diffy:
Really?

Barbara Diffy:
Be careful. [Phil throws it to the ground, where it transforms into a future vehicle]

Keely Teslow:
Oh, my gosh, Phil! You really are from the future!

Phil Diffy:
It's a Skyac. Hop on.

Debbie Berwick:
Oh, Bradley, you're such a treasure! Isn't he a treasure, Pim?

Pim Diffy:
I wish he was buried treasure.

Debbie Berwick:
You're wild and untamed, and... you appeal to the beast in him.

Pim Diffy:
There is a beast inside Bradley? [Debbie nods] What is it, a chipmunk?

Pim Diffy:
Wait until Bradley gets bellyful of you.

Debbie Berwick:
Oh, he'll get a bellyful, all right. He'll get such a bellyful... he'll look like a pregnant whale!

Phil Diffy:
Frankie, does that girl over there strike you as young Bulgarian, and who can't read?

Frankie:
No, but I'll teach her how to read. You know what I'm sayin', Phil?

Phil Diffy:
No, what are you saying?