Planes, Trains & Automobiles

Del:
Was that seat hot or what? I feel like a Whopper. Turn me over, I'm done and ready. I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be grill marks.

Neal:
You're like one of those Chatty Cathy dolls except I'm not pulling the string, you are. Blah! Blah! Blah!

Del:
You play with your balls a lot.

Neal:
Oh really?

Del:
Yeah, you do more ballhandling in one minute than Larry Bird does in an hour.

Neal:
You know what I'd really like?

Del:
A couple of more hands and an extra set of balls?

Car Rental Agent:
I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

Neal:
And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of f***ing nowhere with f***ing keys to a f***ing car that isn't f***ing there. And I really didn't care to f***ing walk down a f***ing highway and across a f***ing runway to get back here to have you smile at my f***ing face. I want a f***ing car RIGHT F***ING NOW!

Car Rental Agent:
May I see your rental agreement.

Neal:
I threw it away.

Car Rental Agent:
Oh boy.

Neal:
Oh boy what?

Car Rental Agent:
You're f***ed!

Del:
We'd have more luck playing pick-up sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.

Neal:
What's the flight situation?

Del:
Simple. There's no way on earth we're going to get out of here tonight. We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.

Neal:
I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Del:
Yeah, but by the time the airline cancels this flight, which they will sooner or later, you'd have more of a chance to find a three-legged ballerina than you would a hotel room.

Neal:
Are you saying I could be *stuck* in Wichita?

Del:
I'm saying you *are* stuck in Wichita.

Neal:
Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...

Del:
Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...

Neal:
Del... Why did you kiss my ear?

Del:
Why are you holding my hand?

Neal:
Where are your other hand?

Del:
Between two pillows...

Neal:
Those AREN'T PILLOWS!

Neal:
He says we're going the wrong way...

Del:
Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?

State Trooper:
What the hell are you driving here?

Del:
We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.

State Trooper:
Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Del:
Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.

Del:
If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?

Del:
Sixbucks and my right nut says were not landing in Chicago.

Cab Dispatcher:
Where are you going?

Neal:
Chicago.

Cab Dispatcher:
Chicago?

Neal:
Yeah.

Cab Dispatcher:
Don't you know you're in St. Louis?

Neal:
Yes I do.

Cab Dispatcher:
Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.

Neal:
If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

Del:
You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Owen:
I'm to drive you to Wichita to catch a train?

Del:
Yeah, we'd appreciate it.

Owen:
Train don't run out of Wichita... unlessin' you're a hog or a cattle.

Owen:
People train runs out of Stubbville.

Del:
You play with your balls a lot.

Neal:
I do NOT play with my balls.

Del:
Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!

Neal:
Are you trying to start a fight?

Del:
No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.

Neal:
You know what'd make me happy?

Del:
Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?

Gus:
Del Griffith! How the hell are ya?

Del:
Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of bein' a millionaire.

Del:
Gus, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page from Chicago. Neal, this is Gus Mooney.

Neal:
Hi.

Gus:
Glad to meet you, Nick.

Del:
I know you don't I? I'm usually very good with names but I'll be damned if I haven't forgotten yours.

Neal:
You stole my cab.

Del:
I never stole anything in my life.

Neal:
I hailed a cab on park avenue this afternoon and before I could get in it. You stole it.

Del:
You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour.

Neal:
Forget it.

Del:
I can't forget it. I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.

Neal:
No thanks.

Del:
Just a hot dog then.

Neal:
I'm very picky about what I eat.

Del:
Some coffee? Milk? Soda? Tea? Life Savers? Slurpee?

Neal:
Sir, please.

Del:
Just let me know. I'm here. I knew I knew you!

Del:
You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you'd be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?

Neal:
(High voice) Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?

Del:
Oh, come on, pal, you don't mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow?

Neal:
How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don't have any more cars?

Del:
I got a car, no sweat at all.

Neal:
Well Del, you're a charmed man.

Del:
Nope.

Neal:
Oh, I know. You just go with the flow.

Del:
Like the twigs of the rivers in a mighty long stream.

Del:
I've got two dollars and a Casio.

Hotel Clerk:
I'm afraid I'm going to have to say goodnight...

Del:
You're in a pretty lousy mood, huh?

Neal:
To say the least.

Del:
You ever travel by bus before?

Del:
Hmm. Your mood's probably not going to improve much.

Del:
I guess this is probably a good time as any to tell you this. Our tickets are only good to St. Louis. St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.

Neal:
You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!

Neal:
You know... you know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!