QI

Stephen Fry:
[quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.

Stephen Fry:
[holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I've got a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,

[bringing out his right fist]

Stephen Fry:
What have I got?

Alan Davies:
Two moth balls?

Stephen Fry:
A rather excited moth.

Alan Davies:
Sorry, I thought you were literally asking.

Phill Jupitus:
[during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?

Stephen Fry:
Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.

Bill Bailey:
[laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"

Phill Jupitus:
[putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Alan Davies:
[after his buzzer is a sexy woman's voice saying "Ahoy, hello sailor"] Hang on, hang on, who was that? [pushes buzzer again] Hells bells.

Rob Brydon:
When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'

Stephen Fry:
That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say "F*** it!"

Jo Brand:
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?

[pause]

Jo Brand:
The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry:
[after much teasing over flubbing the words, Stephen finally gets to say it properly] They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... there are no straight lines!

Stephen Fry:
[talking with Dr. Ben Goldacre about the DSM IV] There we are, some Psychologists seem to have Disorder Naming Compulsion Disorder.

Alan Davies:
[re: what connects fennel to Italian homosexuals] Are there any Italian homosexuals in the room?

Stephen Fry:
My dressing room number is 315.

Alan Davies:
[after being told that Adam was forbidden to eat sheep, but Noah was allowed] That doesn't make any sense, because Adam, there would have probably been a lot of sheep. But Noah's down to the last two sheep, and God said, 'It's all right, if you fancy a kebab. have one on me'? And Noah said, 'I'm not going to eat the sheep, God, you're out of your mind!'

Stephen Fry:
Geneticists have established that every woman in the world shares a single female ancestor who lived 150,000 years ago - scientists do actually call her 'Eve.' And every man shares a single male ancestor, dubbed 'Adam.' It has also been established, however, that Adam was born 80,000 years after Eve, so the world before him was one of heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism, one assumes.

Stephen Fry:
[regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?

Sean Lock:
War criminals.

Stephen Fry:
[during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?

Phill Jupitus:
What kind of a hellish quiz is this?

Stephen Fry:
Fair point.

Phill Jupitus:
"What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."

Stephen Fry:
Hey. Is that me?

Phill Jupitus:
That's you.

Stephen Fry:
Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry:
[Describing the game] The rules are simple, I'm a pimple.

Stephen Fry:
Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

Stephen Fry:
How do otters kill crocodiles?

Rob Brydon:
Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry:
What's long and pink and hard in the morning?

[pause]

Stephen Fry:
"The Financial Times'" crossword.

[During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]

Stephen Fry:
The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

Stephen Fry:
[quoting boxer Alan Minter] Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious.

[advice on airline food]

Stephen Fry:
Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry:
James Bond has this strange idea that homosexuals can't whistle, for example.

Alan Davies:
Because they've got too much cock in their mouth.

Stephen Fry:
I want you to go and sit in the corner!

Stephen Fry:
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]

Alan Davies:
Do they take it down the trunk?

Clive Anderson:
After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson:
I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock:
Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.

Stephen Fry:
[looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry:
If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?

Alan Davies:
Scandal.

Stephen Fry:
[Describing the rules] I award points for being interesting and penalties, usually, if history is any guide, to Alan, for being obvious.

Stephen Fry:
What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?

Jo Brand:
They have a pulse.

Jackie Clune:
I have an Australian girlfriend who has two vaginas. She went to have a smear test and the doctor said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. You've got some precancerous cells, but they're only in one of your vaginas." She says, "Oh, I've been saving the other one for that special man."

Stephen Fry:
Was it fully equipped inside? Did she have two clitorises?

Jackie Clune:
No, no, clitoris is on the outside, Stephen.

Stephen Fry:
Is it? Oh, I see! I'm sorry, this is where I really do plead ignorance.

Jo Brand:
And I do feel you're expressing rather an unnatural interest in women's parts. It's not like you.

Stephen Fry:
Well, I'm curious, I'll press my nose into anything.

Alan Davies:
[in a Mexican accent] I love this pink polenta... this pink polenta I love it

Jeremy Hardy:
You couldn't get a tiger up your trousers.

Alan Davies:
You could if you had really big trousers. Or a tiny little tiger.

Rich Hall:
[after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or...

Alan Davies:
No-one can see it, it's miles away.

Stephen Fry:
Because it was discovered in

[shouts]

Stephen Fry:
nineteen-ninety-f***ing-four!

Jeremy Hardy:
No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend".

Stephen Fry:
Does anyone remember - there's a wonderful line in that film, "The Agony and the Ecstasy," which is where Charlton Heston plays Michelangelo, and Rex Harrison plays--

Alan Davies:
Charlton Heston played Michelangelo? The effete Italian homosexual?

Stephen Fry:
Yes, that's the one, he was not effete--

Alan Davies:
Played by the president of the gun club?

Stephen Fry:
He was athletic! He was an athletic Italian homosexual!

Alan Davies:
I thought he was a wussy one!

Stephen Fry:
He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was a bleeding fairy! He was butch, like me!

Alan Davies:
When I say "wussy one" I don't mean he was, that he was gay, I mean, he was a bit of a...[makes limp wrist actions]

Stephen Fry:
No, you've got it the other way round.

Alan Davies:
I thought Da Vinci was the hard case, and...

Stephen Fry:
No, Michelangelo was an animal. He was physical...

Alan Davies:
Michelangelo was! He never washed, he stank.

Stephen Fry:
Very strong, a big beard...but he preferred to take it up the carriageway, so there we are.

Stephen Fry:
Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Rich Hall:
Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.

Stephen Fry:
There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry:
Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?

Alan Davies:
I feel a trap coming on.

Rich Hall:
You can develop film in the Lee river, but you can't Kayak in it.

Stephen Fry:
[after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.

Bill Bailey:
Do we?

Stephen Fry:
"Hullo, what's that?"... Don't we, Bill?

Bill Bailey:
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Stephen Fry:
You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Alan Davies:
[playing with magnetic letters laughing at Jo] Quim! Jo's got quim!

Stephen Fry:
Have you? Jo Brand, you put the "qi" in quim.

Stephen Fry:
[reading Alan's magnetic letters] Vagina doom. Oh, Lord!

Alan Davies:
Fox.

Stephen Fry:
Yes, I think we get the idea. You must be a blast by the fridge.

Alan Davies:
Bill used to have this big cactus. Huge!

Bill Bailey:
Yep.

Alan Davies:
And it bloomed, what once every twenty five years?

Bill Bailey:
Yeah, once every twenty-five years.

Alan Davies:
And he had it only two weeks and it bloomed.

[buzzer is a female voice saying a seductive "Ahoy. Hello sailor!"]

Stephen Fry:
Well, we're going to start with...

Alan Davies:
Hang on, hang on, hang on, who was that?

[presses buzzer again - "Ahoy. Hello sailor!"]

Alan Davies:
Hells bells!

Stephen Fry:
What has huge teeth and only one facial expression?

Bill Bailey:
Janet Street Porter!

[the alarms go off for Bill giving such an obvious answer]

Bill Bailey:
Ah, I took the fall, but it was worth it!

[Each panelist was given a board of magnets to try and spell out words or sentences]

Jimmy Carr:
[reading his board] "Put Smarties tubes on cats' legs, make them walk like a robot."

Stephen Fry:
[amidst applause] Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. You used all your letters!

Alan Davies:
THAT is unbe-f***ing-lievable! It makes sense!

Jimmy Carr:
It doesn't make a whole lot of sense!

Alan Davies:
They would walk like a robot! It's an idea, it's giving people an idea!

Jimmy Carr:
I don't know if you saw, but I was on Countdown last week.

Bill Bailey:
It puts this completely to shame. [holds up his board where he's spelled "Gay Elf Romp"]

Alan Davies:
[about Jimmy] I can't even imagine how you managed to do that!

Stephen Fry:
No, I'm sure you can't.

Bill Bailey:
I've got to try that.

Jimmy Carr:
It's a lovely day to spend an afternoon!

Stephen Fry:
Yes!

Jimmy Carr:
If you let them go down the stairs, its especially good.

Alan Davies:
[on discovering that 'Happy Birthday' was composed in 1924] What did people sing in 1923, for goodness' sake? The got the cake out and everyone just stood about in a slightly awkward silence?

Stephen Fry:
[on the inventor of the Hokey Cokey] He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?

Alan Davies:
Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into the coffin.

Stephen Fry:
Why was that?

Alan Davies:
Well, they put the left leg in...

Stephen Fry:
This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

[Stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure]

Stephen Fry:
There was nothing unusual about the birth.

[pointing to Alan]

Stephen Fry:
We just wanted Laughing Boy to fall into our cunning trap.

Sean Lock:
This is like the Early Learning Centre.

Stephen Fry:
Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Stephen Fry:
Have you met any American Jeremy?

Jeremy Clarkson:
No, It's too complicated - three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.

Stephen Fry:
You heard it here first, folks.

Jeremy Clarkson:
It was like a motorway services station toilet.

Alan Davies:
That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry:
What is the commonest material in the world?

Clive Anderson:
Jim Davidson.

Stephen Fry:
A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?

Rich Hall:
You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.

Alan Davies:
Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry:
Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?

Jo Brand:
I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.

Alan Davies:
I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

Stephen Fry:
Where do camels come from?

Phil Kay:
[in a deep voice] Over there.

Host:
If you want to take up smoking, but you want to increase your life expectancy by about eight years, what should you do? There's a way you can do it.

Alan Davies:
[buzzer] Take up smoking eight years later than you were going to.

Host:
No. [laughter]

Rich Hall:
[buzzer] Uh, move to Siberia. Because the life expectancy there is longer, and also, it's one of the last places on earth where you can still *beep*ing smoke.

Alan Davies:
What would your super power be of choice?

Host:
Invisibility.

Alan Davies:
Really?

Host:
Yeah, I think. Ah, it'd be great. What would you like?

Alan Davies:
I would like to have NO bodily smell.

Alan Davies:
[Stephen answers incorrectly when Alan is quizzing him on the Christmas Special] Oh, Fry, you idiot.

Alan Davies:
I am *not* as stupid as you think!

Stephen Fry:
No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry:
What do we know about the Magi?

Phill Jupitus:
They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Stephen Fry:
What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?

Rich Hall:
The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry:
[signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

Sean Lock:
[Stephen has mentioned his prep school tailors] You had a tailor? For a suit you had made up when you were five?

Stephen Fry:
It was a particular outfitter. The school outfitter.

Sean Lock:
"Which side does young sir dress on?"

Alan Davies:
That's written on the bathroom wall!

Stephen Fry:
Oh heavens, why did I bring it up?

Sean Lock:
Did you have to get measured up for shorts?

Stephen Fry:
Oh, Lord.

Bill Bailey:
"Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?"

Stephen Fry:
You are all such beasts.

Sean Lock:
"I suggest a cummerbund for geography."

Stephen Fry:
[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe if you point at a rainbow your finger will fall off.

Alan Davies:
Oh for God sake.

Stephen Fry:
I know.

Alan Davies:
Estonians aren't stupid people are they?

Sean Lock:
[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy though.

Bill Bailey:
[who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Stephen Fry:
What rhymes with orange?

Alan Davies:
[rings in and pauses] Nothing.

Stephen Fry:
[alarms go off] Oh no!

Alan Davies:
Flange!

Stephen Fry:
Flange? O-range?

Stephen Fry:
Borrige.

Stephen Fry:
Well, borringe would rhyme with it, but is it a word. But your very close because there's Blorringe. It's a place name. Anyone know where Blorringe is?

Jo Brand:
Well, it sounds like it's in Belgium

Stephen Fry:
No, actually closer to home. Blorringe.

Alan Davies:
Wales!

Alan Davies:
[Alan's buzzer goes off as a woman having a orgasm] That's a genuine recording.

Stephen Fry:
[discussing the Ancient Greeks] Without them you wouldn't be here.

Alan Davies:
Oh, that's so rubbish!

Alan Davies:
My friend Danny, "the squirt," could lean back and actually wee out the window.

Alan Davies:
I say! I rather like this pink polenta!

Alan Davies:
[Bill answers a question about butterflies correctly] Press him on how the hell he knows that.

Stephen Fry:
In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish weird thing.

Bill Bailey:
Welcome to my wonderful world of knowing. My wonderful world of looking up things in books.

Sean Lock:
[upon hearing that Stephen's prep school tailors were called Gerring] You had a tailor for a suit you wear when you're five!

Stephen Fry:
What goes, "Woof, Woof, Boom"?

Rich Hall:
Terrierist.

Rob Brydon:
[about whether Jesus could walk on custard] Actually this was one of the Lord's favorite past times. Out with the bread, out with the fish, oh, look what I got for desert, somebody hold my shoes.

Rich Hall:
[asked by Stephen whether Jesus could walk on custard] Maybe at one point when he was a children's entertainer. That's a sarcastic question to ask him, "Water? How about custard?"

Himself - Host:
What is a Taffy Pull?

[everyone turns to look at Rob Brydon]

Rob Brydon:
Is this a dig at my forefathers?

Himself - Host:
You have four fathers? The Welsh are *weird*!

Sean Lock:
The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.

Stephen Fry:
Do you know why that is?

Sean Lock:
Because they're sh*t.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]

Rich Hall:
I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies:
Peter Cushing lived in Whitstable when I lived in Whitstable, and a local band had a song about him which went, "Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable / I have seen him on his bicycle / I have seen him buying vegetables / Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable..."

Stephen Fry:
[on balsa wood] Its moth proof as well... unlike my trousers! [pointing at his crotch]

Alan Davies:
Jesus!

Stephen Fry:
Why do they go in that area? Maybe flesh and blood I suppose. While you are down there my dear...

Bill Bailey:
Or you have a light bulb in your underpants.

Alan Davies:
[about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.

Sean Lock:
You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Stephen Fry:
Name three more Chinese inventions.

Alan Davies:
Pot Noodle.

Bill Bailey:
Er...whispers!

Host:
Now, who wants to smear goose fat all over Doon Mackichan?

Andy Hamilton:
What, again?

Stephen Fry:
Name one thing kangaroos can't do.

Alan Davies:
They can't drive.

Ronni Ancona:
Is this book about the word 'obscurity' before it got famous? How it was beaten by its adjective father and left on the doorstep, abandoned by his mother and it was the only noun growing up in a house of verbs and the verbs were always going out doing lovely things, 'cos they're 'doing' words and poor old Obscurity is stuck inside suffering from asthma and after school, it was surrounded by quotation marks and got beaten up terribly and then one day it entered into a reality TV show and it became very famous and it as much in demand and used to describe all the people that leave Big Brother House.

Stephen Fry:
God, I wish that were true, Ronni, I really do.

Stephen Fry:
[looking a picture of a man in a leotard] We can thank this man for two inventions.

Alan Davies:
Shorts and socks.

Stephen Fry:
His invention is his name.

Arthur Smith:
Ted Tights.

Stephen Fry:
Well, yes he is Ted Tights, but he really was Jules Leotard. He invented the leotard, but he called it a maillot.

Clive Anderson:
You said two inventions.

Stephen Fry:
Well, he also invented the somersault through the air .

Vic Reeves:
He also invented humas, which they found when they pealed off the leotard.

Himself - Host:
I want to live in your world, Johnny Vegas!

Phill Jupitus:
[on the location of the Rhubarb Triangle] Leeds to bradford is like from here to jimmy!

[Stephen has asked what cornflakes were originally used for]

Johnny Vegas:
Putting in mattresses for monks to prevent masturbation.

Himself - Host:
Johnny Vegas, Take some points!

Johnny Vegas:
You're joking!

[Johnny has claimed that Coco pops would lead him to make love to walls]

Jimmy Carr:
They don't put that on the packet!

[During the discussion about the use of yogurt at the sanatorium set up by the Kellogg brothers]

Himself - Host:
They would follow a water enema with a yogurt enema - a pint of yogert, half taken orally and half anally

Jimmy Carr:
Well, you want to sort out which is which!

Himself - Host:
You're picking on me and I won't have it!

[Johnny has given a nonsencical answer]

Alan Davies:
My headache is coming back!

Himself - Host:
The short answer is no. The long answer is BLEEP no!

Himself - Host:
[describing elephant dung] It takes a week to pass through their bodies.

Alan Davies:
Imagine that!

Jimmy Carr:
[on hearing that snails were the first animals to be hearded] They hearded snails? It must have taken them ages!

Stephen:
How does the love bomb work?

Rob:
I turn up, and I get on with it!

Stephen:
What is the biggest piece of rubbish in the world?

Audience Member:
France!

Alan Davies:
We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school.

Himself - Host:
Really?

Alan Davies:
Yeah. You could always see when he was coming.

Himself - Host:
It was the Irish MP, Daniel O'Connell who said "the Englishman has all the qualities of a poker. Except its occasional warmth."

[eating Jelly Babies]

Terry Wogan:
What's the powdery substance?

Stephen Fry:
Cocaine.

[about Eurovison]

Terry Wogan:
The French were furious this year that their singer chose to sing in English.

Stephen Fry:
I know, I love it when that happens!

Terry Wogan:
It used to be the "lingua franca" and it isn't anymore. The world is anglophone.

Ronni Ancona:
Isn't it just disgusting! They give us such a bad time, and they use our language. They should be taxed!

Stephen Fry:
[about old wives' tales] So many about catching a cold or going blind.

David Mitchell:
Well, going blind, definitely, yes. Wanking makes you blind. But, you know, I have contact lenses, so I can see fine. So, essentially, contact lenses are the wanker's charter.

Terry Wogan:
Is there much to see?

Alan Davies:
Has your mother sold her mangle?

Himself - Host:
[On Napoleon] We got the cane out of the cupboard and gave him a damm good thrashing!

Phill Jupitus:
[During a discussion on togas] Did they have different tog ratings for togas?

Himself - Host:
On the subject of driving licenses, guess who had the first driving license in the world?

Alan Davies:
The Queen?

Himself - Host:
No, oddly enough you couldn't be wronger-er because the Queen has...?

Alan Davies:
No driving license.

Himself - Host:
No driving license. She's the only person in Britain who doesn't have a driving license who actually drives. Well there may be illegal ones but...

Phill Jupitus:
So, what does she show them at Blockbuster to prove that her address is right?

Himself - Host:
A 20 pound note!

[Stephen translates a German association in charge of issuing driving licenses]

Himself - Host:
...which means the Steamboiler Supervision Association which granted the first mandatory licenses in Prussia...

Alan Davies:
[in German accent] THE SS... A!

Himself - Host:
[On the topic of what gets the panelists up in the morning] MIT used a clock which, when you pressed the snooze button, it runs off and hides, so whenever it rings again, you have to get up and stop it. And it's programmed each day to hide in a different place. [laughter from the audience and the panel]... There is another one which, every time you press the snooze button, right, - it's got an online connection - you donate money to a political cause you hate.

Rob Brydon:
It makes sense now, when you been in the hot countries and you can't get off... [Allan Davis looks a Rob knowingly]

Rob Brydon:
No. No, No, I'm not having any of it!

Bill:
[Alan has become confused between Role playing games and rocket propelled granades] I'm not inviting you on any mercenary missions!

Himself - Host:
It's becoming rapidly more clear, there are many people on earth who need to be killed and nearly all of them are management consultants.

Sarah Millican:
This is my first time on the show, don't make me put a scorpion up my nunny.

Himself - Host:
Why was the marsh-hare important for aztec?

Himself - Host:
Sop, Victoria Coran - Burn the witch!