Rango

Rango:
So you want something to believe in, Spoons? Believe in me.

[points at the "Sheriff" sign]

Rango:
Believe in that there sign. For as long as it hangs there we've got hope.

Rango:
[from trailer] The name's Rango. [crowd gasp]

Rango:
[from trailer] [burps fire in face] I'll take care of that for you.

Rango:
There all better.

Rango:
Now, remember son: stay in school, eat your veggies, and burn everything but Shakespeare.

Rattlesnake Jake:
[after Beans refuses to sign a deed] Sign the damn paper, woman!

Beans:
Go to Hell!

Rattlesnake Jake:
[wraps Beans in his coils and suspends her upside down] Where do you think I come from?

Rango:
[after some kids throw rocks at him] Hey! What was that for?

Priscilla:
You're funny-looking.

Rango:
Well? You're funny-looking too.

Priscilla:
That's a funny-looking shirt.

Rango:
That's a funny-looking dress.

Priscilla:
You got funny-looking eyes.

Rango:
You got a funny-looking face!

Priscilla:
[small pause] You're a stranger. Strangers don't last long here. [walks away]

Beans:
Get your slimy, webbed phalanges off ma boots!

Rango:
Us reptiles gotta stick together. Right, my brother?

Buford:
I'm an amphibian.

Rango:
Ain't no shame in that.

Rango:
Is this Heaven?

Spirit of the West:
If it were, we'd be eatin' Pop-Tarts with Kim Novak.

Rango:
Crunchy-creamy-cookie-candy-cupcake. Okay everybody, let's take it from the top!

Rango:
I think the metaphor broke my spleen.

Rango:
We can control it! Like a monkey's bladder!

Spirit of the West:
No man can walk out of his own story.

Rango:
Now, we ride!

Bad Bill:
I'm going to slice your face off and use it to wipe my unmentionables!

Rattlesnake Jake:
[sees bullet] One bullet. I tip my hat to you... One legend to another.

Rattlesnake Jake:
[to Rango] Thirsty... "Brother"? [fills a glass with his venom]

Rango:
[Wounded Bird is scratching his down feathers and scattering them into the wind] I see you're communicating with the great spirits.

Wounded Bird:
No. I'm molting. It means I'm ready to mate.

Waffles:
[Rango and his posse have found new purpose in their search for the outlaws] Uh... What exactly are we gonna do now?

Rango:
Now... we ride!

[whip cracks; Rango stops and looks to his right, puzzled]

Rango:
[the band of mariachi owls stands a ways away with their instruments, waiting; Rango shouts to them] That means we're riding now! This moment.

[another whip is heard and the owls start playing the background music; everyone is riding roadrunners in the next cut]

Rock-Eye:
[the hawk drops a bottle with Rango inside it directly on top of Rock-Eye the Toad, who is hiding from the hawk as a rock, from a great height] Ai! ?Madre de Dios! [sees Rango] You! I'll kill you! You stupid lizard! Get out of there! I'm gonna strangle your huevos!

Rango:
[points frantically from inside his bottle] The bird! The bird! [starts running away in his bottle by rolling it]

Rock-Eye:
[Rock-Eye looks behind him] No wait, come back! [starts chasing Rango] Hey, I was just kidding! C'mon, we're friends, right?

Rango:
Aaah, I don't know you!

Rock-Eye:
Lizards, frogs... we're practically related, right?

Rango:
[overlapping] Find your own hiding place! No room at the inn!

Rock-Eye:
Come on! Move over! I'll let you kiss my sister!

Rango:
[Rango runs the bottle over a small sharp rock and the bottle breaks in half] No no no nonono...! [slides to a stop]

Rock-Eye:
[stops with him; pointing in triumph] HA! Ha ha ha! [the hawk snatches him up]

Rock-Eye:
[shouts out] You son of a! [hawk screech]

Merrimack:
Beans, you've been like a niece to me and ever since your daddy...

[Beans gives him a death glare]

Merrimack:
...did *not* fall drunk down a mine shaft...

Rango:
[addressing the townspeople after the bank robbery] We all know exactly what we need to do now!

[aside]

Rango:
And that would be?

Mayor:
[whispers] Form a posse.

Rango:
Form a possum!

[short pause]

Mayor:
[still quiet] A *posse*.

Spoons:
[after Rango forms a small posse to find the band of robbers] What do we do now, sheriff?

Rango:
Now, we ride!

[cut to them all riding across the desert on roadrunners, excited and energized]

Spoons:
[to Rango] Where are we going?

[they have no leads on where the robbers might be]

Rango:
What?

Spoons:
Where are we going?

[cut to them all walking back into town, embarrassed]

Rango:
[an arrow is sticking through Turley's head, entering in his right eye and coming out the left-rear side of his head; Rango looks disgusted] Whoa! Ehh... are you sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?

Sergeant Turley:
[oblivious] What?

Rango:
Uh, well, you've got a little somethin' in your... eye, there.

Sergeant Turley:
[indicates his left eye, seemingly oblivious] Oh, that! That there's conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.

Rango:
[going along as not to hurt Turley's feelings] Oh! Well... um... glad to hear it's not contagious.

Elgin:
That ain't nothin'. I coughed up an entire tribe of pygmies. They started lookin' at me weird.

Furgus:
I remember them! They was quite friendly!

Spoons:
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once...

[Awkward silence]

Sergeant Turley:
You might wanna get that looked at.

Rango:
[Rango and Beans have been locked in the bank vault with water pouring in and the water level rising] Don't worry! I have a plan! [looks through the glass to those who have locked them in] Heeeeeelp! Open the door!

Rango:
[no one does anything] Okay! Plan B!

Beans:
[unimpressed] You ain't from around here, are you?

Rango:
[she walks away] I- I'm still working on it. Uh, so, what's your name?

Beans:
[rummaging through glass bottles in her cart] Beans.

Rango:
That's a funny kind of name.

Beans:
What can I say? My daddy plum loved baked beans.

Rango:
Well you're lucky he didn't plum love asparagus.

Beans:
[quickly stands up] What... what're ya saying?

Rango:
I mean, I uh... I enjoy a hearty puttanesca myself, but I'm not sure that a child would uh, appreciate the moniker. [picks up a jar with a sort of powder in it and puts some in his mouth]

Beans:
[walking around the cart to Rango] My daddy was a great man, even if he did exhibit a proclivity for legumes, and... you... [sees what Rango is eating]

Rango:
Mmm, spicy!

Beans:
You are eating his ashes!

Rango:
[spits, disgusted] Eh! You carry his remains?

Beans:
[takes the jar and reseals it] No! His ashes; he loved to smoke. They never found the body.

Rango:
Oh. Um, I'm sure he had his reasons.

Wounded Bird:
You kill bird?

Rango:
Why, yes, I did.

Wounded Bird:
Bird dead, snake come.

Rango:
Uh, snake?

Priscilla:
He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr. Rango. He usually doesn't come to town because he's scared of that hawk, but he might come now. Can I have your boots when you're dead?

Rango:
No. I ain't got no problem with this Rattlesnake Jake.

Priscilla:
That's just what Amos said.

Rango:
Amos?

[Priscilla looks at something offscreen, Rango looks and sees a small graveyard with a headstone reading 'Amos, Sheriff Thur-Sat.']

Priscilla:
You got any gold fillings?

Rango:
I couldn't help but notice you noticing me noticing you.

Priscilla:
Sheriff? You are going to bring that water back, aren't you?

Rango:
You can count on it, little sister.

Rango:
I will blow that ugly right off your face!

Balthazar:
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!

Rattlesnake Jake:
[realizing it's a swarm of bats in the form of a hawk] Ain't no hawk, ain't nothin' but bats! [starts shooting at them]

Maybelle:
Stick to the plan boys, bleed the devil dry! [swarm spreads out, Jake laughs excitedly while trying to shoot every bat down, realizes he used up all his bullets, turns to see Rango pointing a gun at him]

Rango:
It only takes one bullet.

Rattlesnake Jake:
You ain't got the nerve.

Rango:
Try me.

Rattlesnake Jake:
[to the Mayor] What was that thing you said, "Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed."

Rango:
[Rango marches into the bank after it's been robbed] All right, folks; stand back, clear the area, this is a crime scene, now. Secure the parameter, dust for prints, check for fibers, scan for DNA, I want a urine sample from everyone and get me a latte. Don't mix up the two.

Beans:
[comes out of trance by her wagon] And until the people of Andromeda 5 return him safe and sound, I will not sell my ranch!

Beans:
[comes out of trance in the clothier's shop] It is not a rash, it is a birthmark!

Priscilla:
What's he doing now?

Waffles:
I think it's a number two.

Rango:
That's for my gun. That's gun lotion.

Mayor:
Control the water... and you control everything.

[the Mayor is intending to shoot Jake while Rango and Beans are in the bank vault that's filling up with water]

Mayor:
You and the sheriff are more alike than you think. You're nothing but legends. Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed.

Rango:
Who am I? I'm nobody.

Maybelle:
[annoyed] You've got a lot of nerve coming back here, lawman. What is it that you want?

Rango:
[dead serious] Yer pappy and them boys are gonna hang for something they didn't do.

[pause]

Rango:
But I've got a plan...

Rango:
[taken aback] Golden guardians... Alabaster chariot... The Spirit of the West! [to Spirit] Ahem... excuse me... Mister Spirit... sir?

Spirit of the West:
[eyeing a fish hook] Now there's a beaut. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find what you're looking for. [to Rango] So, you made it.

Rango:
Is this Heaven?

Spirit of the West:
If it were, we'd be eating Pop Tarts with Kim Novak.

Rango:
Yeah, ain't that the truth. What are you doing out here?

Spirit of the West:
Searching... same as you.

Rango:
[downhearted] I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't even know who I am. [brighter] They used to call you 'The Man with No Name'.

Spirit of the West:
Nowadays, they have a name for just about everything. Doesn't matter what they call you... it's the deeds that make the man.

Rango:
But my deeds just made everything worse. I'm a fake... a phony. My friends were counting on me. They were looking for some sort of hero.

Spirit of the West:
[emphatic] Then be a hero!

Rango:
[disbelief] Oh, no! No, no. I'm not even supposed to be out here.

Spirit of the West:
That's right. You came out here looking for something that didn't exist. But don't you see? [pause] It's not about you... it's about them.

Rango:
But I can't go back.

Spirit of the West:
Don't think you have a choice, son. [draws rectangle on windshield] No man can walk out of his own story.

Rango:
[seeing Jake has Beans wrapped in his coils] Put her down!

Rattlesnake Jake:
Or what, little man? You gonna kill me?

Rango:
[serious] That's just about the size of it.

Mayor:
Our new sheriff has been playing the hero for so long, he's actually starting to believe it.

Women finds me uncomfortably good looking.

Rango:
”4 score and 7 years ago, our fathers...”

Rock-Eye:
Don't move.

Rango:
Huh? What? [looks up at the Desert Cactus then continues to move after a brief pause]

Rock-Eye:
Don't move!

Rango:
[suddenly alert] Not moving!

Rock-Eye:
Shhh!

Rango:
[whispers] Not moving.

Rock-Eye:
Try to blend in.

Rango:
Huh? Blend in? What do you mean? [notices Rock-Eye, who is in camouflage to look like a rock]

Rock-Eye:
[opens his eye] Blend in! [closes his eye]

Rango:
Huh? What are you saying? [a huge hawk soars overhead] Ahh!

Rock-Eye:
Too late.

Rango:
No, no, no, it's not too late! I'm blending. [throws sand on himself] I'm a blender! [runs around in panic, searching for a place to hide]

Rock-Eye:
Hey, calm down! What are you doing?! Tranquillo! [Rango hides behind a cactus, but then runs and yowls in pain when the thorns dig into his skin] STOP MOVING! Try not to look conspicuous. [Rango poses like the cactus behind him, and then ducks next to Rock-Eye and changes color] Hey, psst. What are you doing?

Rango:
I'm blending.

Rock-Eye:
Go blend somewhere else.

Rango:
Don't distract me.

Rock-Eye:
No room in the inn.

Rango:
It's an art, not a science.

Rock-Eye:
Find your own hiding place.

Rango:
No, this is good! [the hawk flies by again, before turning to attack]

Rock-Eye:
OH! Here she comes! You better run, mojito!

Rango:
Wait, what? I thought you said "Don't move"!

Rock-Eye:
That was before. Now, you run. [Rango runs as the hawk starts to chase him, while Rock-Eye laughs] Adios, amigo!

Spoons:
: Hey there, fruit-cup. You're a long ways from home, ain't ya? Who exactly are you?

[Rango notices his reflection distorted in the bar's dirty mirror, and the words "Hecho en Durango" stamped on a bottle of cactus juice he is holding.]

Rango:
[internal monologue] Who am I? I could be anyone.'’ [his thumb covers the words, only showing "Rango".]

Spoons:
What's the matter, you missing your mama's mangoes?

Rango:
[enboldened.] As a matter of fact, I am. [slams bottle down, and whirls on Spoons] But not as much as your DADDY'S COOKING!

[Bar patrons gasp.]

Spoons:
[thrown-off by Rango's statement] Exactly where did you say you were from?

Rango:
Me...? I-I'm from the West! Out there, beyond the horizon, past the sunset. The Far West. [begins strutting around the bar.] Yeah, that's right, hombres. The place I come from, we kill a man before breakfast just to work up an appetite. [snags a patron's toothpick with his tongue.] Then we salt 'im, then we pepper 'im, then we braise 'im in clarified butter... [takes a gopher's stetson] And then... we eat him.

Gopher:
Ya eat 'im?

Rango:
THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I've seen things'll make a grown man lose control of his glandular functions! You spend 3 days in a horse carcass living off your own juices - it'll change a man. Oh yeah. [acccidentally sends a shuffled deck of cards flying] Got a few extra aces in this deck, gents - just the way I like it. So no, my hairsome little rodent friend, I am not from around these parts. You might say I'm from everywhere there's trouble brewin' and Hell waitin' to be raised. You could say I'm what Hell's already raised up. Name's... RANGO.

Elbows:
Hey, are you that guy who killed them Jenkins brothers?

Rango:
Uh-huh, killed them with 1 bullet. Don't get no deader.

Elgin:
All 7 of them...?

Rango:
[nervously] That's right, all 7 of them.

Waffles:
Exactly, how did you that, Mr. Rango?

Rango:
You know, I'm glad you asked me that. And I'll be happy to tell you how, but your all gonna have to listen up! Because this is where it gets... complicated.

Beans:
Excuse me, Sheriff Rango. I wanna talk to you...

Rango:
Hey, Beans! What do you think of the new duds? I got a ten gallon hat marked down for fifteen!

Beans:
Erm, that's nice...

Rango:
Have you met Angelique?

Angelique:
Hello, Beans.

Beans:
Hello, Angelique.

Angelique:
Tart.

Beans:
Floozie.

Angelique:
Trollop.

Waffles:
Impossible.

Beans:
It can't be. It's empty.

Gopher:
There's no water!

Balthazar:
No water?! Then what the heck were we fightin' for?

Rango:
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!

Jedidiah:
Hey, I think that there fella in the pretty dress is the sheriff.

Balthazar:
That's the same fella who gave us a prospecting permit?

Beans:
A what?

Rango:
[clears throat] Irrelevant! Obfuscation! You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery, and for the murder of our beloved financial adviser, Johannes Merrimack III, a.k.a. Fluffy Joe.

Ezekiel:
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody. We tunneled into that vault and there weren't nothing in it.

Jedidiah Someone done rob that bank before we robbed it.

Beans:
Then where'd you get this here jug?

Ezekiel:
[to Balthazar] That's what I've been trying to tell you, Pappy. I found it in the desert.

Balthazar:
THEN WHY IN THE TARNATION DID YOU BRING IT HERE?! [whacks Ezekiel with his staff]

Rango:
Hold on, hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?

Ezekiel:
Uh, huh! That's right!

Elgin:
Eh, I don't believe a word of him.

Buford:
Let's hang him, sheriff!

Sergeant Turley:
String 'em up!

Ambrose:
Who would dump water in the desert?

Beans:
Wouldn't be the first time.

Waffles:
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!

Fergus:
What's goin' on, sheriff?

Rango:
I don't know, but I'm gonna strip this mystery and expose it's private parts. [to Balthazar] You and your kin are coming with me.

Rango:
[notices Wounded Bird shedding his feathers, then walks over to him] I see you're consulting with the spirits.

Wounded Bird:
No, I'm molting. Means I'm ready to mate.

Rango:
[nervously] Heh. I'll keep that in mind.

Wounded Bird:
[picks up a cactus fruit with his staff] Cactus fruit.

Rango:
Ah, yes, the ancient cactus fruit. I heard you people use it as seasoning when preparing your native dishes. [starts to eat the cactus]

Wounded Bird:
Also, natural laxative. [Rango spits the cactus fruit out.] Shh, pick up trail! 3 men, heading west. 1 blind, 1 with... [sniffs the air] ...Enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.

Waffles:
What'd he say?

Fergus:
They're ridin' sidesaddle!

Buford:
What?

Beans:
Shh, we're whispering!

Spoons:
What'd he say?

Sergeant Turley:
Someone's got a bad valve!

Doc:
Alright, which one of you fellas needs a checkup?

Wounded Bird:
Awkward.

Waffles:
Uh, what exactly are we gonna do now?

Rango:
Now... we ride.

[Rango notices a hole popping out the road, Ezekiel and Jedidiah pop out]

Jedidiah:
This ain't the bank!

Ezekiel:
I told you, Jedidiah!

Rango:
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!

Ezekiel:
It's the sheriff!

Rango:
Get your hands up where I can see'em! [Ezekiel and Jedidiah do so] Just as I though,[puts his gun away] prospecting without the authorized equipment. Don't move a muscle. [walks away]

Jedidiah:
Prospecting? [Ezekiel shrugs]

Rango:
[comes back with equipment] Now,got your shovel, pickax, Benedryl, loofah, assorted snacks, some puzzle books, and you're gonna need a permit.

Balthazar:
[shouts out from the hole] EZEKIEL! JEDIDIAH! WHAT THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON UP THERE?! [comes out of the hole while whacking Ezekiel and Jedidiah on the head] I'VE HAD POLYPS REMOVED SMARTER THAN THE TWO OF YOU!!! [sniffs the air] Hell's fire! This ain't the bank!

Ezekiel:
Hey, Pappy. The sheriff's standing right here, helping us out.

Jedidiah:
Gonna give us a permit for "prospecting".

Rango:
Yep, just doing my duty. The lonely constable on his rounds keeping an eagle eye out for mayhem and malfeasance.

Balthazar:
Does he look like what he sounds?

Jedidiah:
Uh, huh.

Balthazar:
Well, sheriff, if we was to hit the mother load, being prospectors and such, where exactly do we deposit said annuity?

Rango:
Well, here in the town of Dirt, we happen to have the finest financial institution in this side of Missouri. [points to the Bank of Dirt] Protected morning, noon and night by yours truly. [gives Balthazar the permit]

Balthazar:
Much obliged.

Bad Bill:
[he and his gang fire their guns at a citizen] DANCE FOR ME, SOD BUSTER!!

Kinski:
DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN!!

Chorizo:
THAT'S RIGHT, DANCE!!

Bad Bill:
YOU GOT CORN IN YOUR EARS, MATE?!? YOU DON'T PAY THE MORTGAGE, YOU DON'T OWN THE LAND!!!

Kinski:
That's basic real estate law, my friend!

Chorizo:
Quid pro quo!

Bad Bill:
[points a dagger at Sod Buster] If I see your face in this town again, I'm gonna slice it off and use it to wipe my unmentionables.

Stump:
Mind the beak.

Bad Bill:
[kicks Sod Buster out of the saloon] AND DON'T COME BACK!!

Sergeant Turley:
Well, that there's a pipe! It's gotta be connected to something!

Elgin:
Oh, you talk too much! Why don't you put a cork in it?!

Turley:
Why don't you put a cork...? Who tell you where the sun don't shine?

Elgin:
Your mama did! I'll cook her right up!

Buford:
You guys don't get it, do you? Someone or something is messing with our hydration, and that pipe has something to do with it!

Elgin:
I thought we was following bank robbers!

Sergeant Turley:
We're experiencing a paradigm shift!

Elgin:
I'm gonna shift the features on your face if you don't SHUT UP!!

Turley:
Well, go ahead and try!!

Rango:
[gives a torch to Spoons] Now, I'm dependin' on you, Spoons. [Spoons spits on his beard] Ooh, you got a little tobacky in the beard there. [Spoons jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Doc] Always good to have a medical man along, Doc. [Doc jumps into the hole, Rango gives a torch to Buford] Reptiles gotta stick together, right, my brother?

Buford:
I'm an amphibian.

Rango:
Ain't no shame in that. [Buford jumps into the hole, Rango is about to give a torch to Sergeant Turley, but then sees the arrow through his right eye] Oh! Ya sure you're fit for duty there, soldier?

Sergeant Turley:
What?

Rango:
Well, you got something in you eye there.

Sergeant Turley:
Oh, that! That there's conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.

Rango:
Oh, well, (I meant your other one, but) I'm glad to hear it's not contagious. [gives the torch to Sergeant Turley, whom jumps into the hole, Rango is about to give a torch to Beans, but then stops] Now, just wait a cotton-pickin' minute! A posse ain't no place for a– [Beans swipes the torch away and then jumps into the hole] Never mind. [looks at Priscilla] Whoa, hold on, little sister. Someone's gonna hafta look after the town while I'm gone. [Priscilla takes out 2 guns]

Priscilla:
Can I gut-shoot someone?

Rango:
[nervously] Uh, let's put a pin in that.

Priscilla:
Sheriff, you're gonna bring that water back, aren't you?

Rango:
Count on it, little sister.

Rattlesnake Jake:
[to Rango] Hello, "brother". Thirsty? [fills glass with venom and throws it to the ground] Long time, "brother". How you been keepin'?

Rango:
Oh, well, you know– [Jake quiets him with a loud hiss]

Jake:
I hear you been tellin' about how you killed all them Jenkins brothers. With one bullet, weren't it? [chuckles] Ain't that right? All these good folks here believe your little stories, don't they? Why, they believe you're just a stone killer, don't they? Seems these folks trust you. They think you're gonna save their little town. They think you're gonna save their little souls! But we know better, don't we? [turns to Beans and licks her cheek before turning back to Rango] So why don't you show your friends what you're made of? Show 'em who you really are? [pulls out gun] Why don't you just pull your gun and shoot me? [empties out most of the bullets] But of course, you won't need all of these. Just one, right? [gives Rango the gun and points it in his face] Go head, hero. Pull the trigger. [Rango doesn't shoot] You got killer in your eyes, son? ... I don't see it. [Rango lowers his gun] You didn't do any of them things you said, did you? You didn't kill them Jenkins Brothers. You ain't even from the West, are you?! [Rango doesn't speak] Say it!

Rango:
[whispers] No.

Jake:
Oh, speak up! I don't think your friends here heard you.

Rango:
No.

Jake:
All you've done is lie to these good people. You ain't nothing but a fake and a coward. Ain't that right?

Rango:
[softly] Yes.

Jake:
LOUDER!

Rango:
[clearly] Yes.

[The townsfolk, alongside Beans, stare at Rango in disbelief.]

Jake:
[slithers around Rango] Listen close, you pathetic fraud. This is my town now. If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down to HELL! [grabs Rango and drops him to his knees]

[Rango stands up and looks at the angry citizens who feel lied to. He then begins to leave.]

Beans [to Rango, puzzled.] Who are you?

[Rango silently walks away. The Mariachi Owls watch Rango walking sadly]

Mayor:
I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans, but you're making a practical decision.

Jake:
Decisions, decisions.

Mayor:
There's no need for any more suffering. [drinks from his glass of water] Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now. Sign the deed, and relieve yourself of your father's burden.

Beans:
[Looks ready to drink from her glass, but then becomes angry] My daddy was not a burden! [throws the water in the Mayor's face] Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!

[The Mayor's face twitches; on cue, Rattlesnake Jake darts forward and traps Beans in his coils]

Jake:
Do what he says, or by all the fires of the black pit, I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes outta your skull!

Mayor:
Now, hold on Jake, there's no need to–

Jake:
[interrupts the Mayor by bringing his head down to the Mayor's desk] LET ME DO MY JOB! You brought me in, now we're gonna play this thing out to the end! [Turns back to Beans] Sign the damn paper, woman!

Beans:
Go to hell…

Jake:
Where do you think I come from? Look into my eyes. I wanna see you die. [Brings his fangs closer to Beans, until he hears Rango shouting from outside]

Rango:
JAKE! I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT! JAKE!

Jake:
[moving to the window and seeing Rango] This day just got a little more interestin'...

Mayor:
[After Rango and Beans are freed from the bank vault by a single bullet] Now, Sheriff. I'm sure if we work together, we can reach a mutually beneficial solution to our current situation…

Rango:
You better take it up with him. [turns the Mayor round on his shell to face Jake]

Jake:
[seeing the single bullet] One bullet. [Turns to Rango and tips his hat at him] I tip my hat to you. One legend to another. [Rango tips his hat as well. Mayor whimpers helplessly as Jake turns to him.] What was that you said? "Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed..." [grabs the screaming Mayor in his coils and carries him out to the desert]

Priscilla:
Rango! [runs up and hugs him] You brought the water back, just like you promised. You really are a hero.

Rango:
Well, the thing about heroes is, whenever you-

Pricilla:
[holds her hand up to stop him] Don't spoil it.

Rango:
Right...

[Last lines; the 4 owls appear and play their music whilst Senor Flan narrates]

Senor Flan:
And so the lizard completes his journey. From humble beginnings to the legend we sing of today. And although he is certain to die, perhaps from, uh… a household accident, which accounts for 65% of all unnatural deaths. The people of the village will always remember, the name of the one who saved them.

[The other owls suddenly turn and speak in unison]

The 3 Owls:
[last line of the film; to the audience] Rango!

Rango:
[warming up] Mmmmmmaaaaahhhh... mmmmaaaahhh, mah! Crunchy, creamy, cookie, candy, cupcake. [shakes] OK, everybody, let's take it from the top.

Rango:
[to Roadkill] Uh, are you OK?

Rango:
The other side? You mean, just now? That was you crossing the road? That's why the... [mimics the car accident] Why'd you do that?!

Mayor Tortoise John:
Water, Mr. Rango, water. Without it, there's nothing but dust and decay. But with water, there's life. Look at them. So desperate to live, they'll follow it anywhere. That's the immutable law of the desert. You control the water, and you control everything.

Mayor Tortoise John:
People have to believe in something. And right now, they believe in you. Pick it up, Mr. Rango. Your destiny awaits.

Mayor Tortoise John:
My fellow Dirtonians, I welcome you to our great day of deliverance. Hallelujah. [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot! [acolytes walk up the stairs bringing a large wheel] We have a newcomer amongst us today, my friends. A man I think needs a little introduction to you, so bold has been his entry into our fair society. Mr. Rango, would you step forward? [Rango walks forth] The time has come, my friends. The time that was foretold. [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] The sacred time. [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] The time of destiny! [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] The time of ddeliverance! [Dirtonians: Hallelujah!] It is the time of HYDRATION!!!

Mayor Tortoise John:
[Rango: What are you building out here?] The future, Mr. Rango. The future. One day soon all of this is going to fade into myth. The frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger. There's just no place for them anymore. We're civilized now.

Mayor Tortoise John:
[last words before his presumed death] No, Jake! NO, NOOO!!!

Senor Flan:
[first lines of the film; to the audience] We are gathered here today to immortalize in song, the life and untimely death of a great legend. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your low calorie popcorn and assorted confections, while we tell you the strange and bewildering tale of a hero who has yet to enter his own story.

Senor Flan:
Here in the Mojave desert, animals have had millions of years to adapt to the harsh environment. But the lizard, he is going to die.

Senor Flan:
And so the stranger seeking companionship finds a woman. Much like the sirens of the ancient times, luring him to his certain demise.

Senor Flan:
And so the stranger basks in the adulation of his new friends. Sinking deeper into the guacamole of his own deception. [Lupe: When is he going to die?] Soon, compadre. Soon.