Ready When You Are Mr. McGill

[after a disastrous morning, the producer asks the director how much of this morning's filming he has actually completed]

Roland:
So you've shot *nothing* all morning?

Phil Parish:
Not yet.

Roland:
Nothing of Scene 23?

Phil Parish:
Not yet.

Roland:
None of it?

Phil Parish:
Not yet.

Roland:
You've shot the master shot? You must have.

Phil Parish:
[to Kelly] Tell him "not yet". I can't say it again - my brain's trapped.

Roland:
So what the hell have you been doing?

Phil Parish:
[facetiously] Sunbathing.

Roland:
Phil, the schedule says another six days. You'll never finish it.

Phil Parish:
We'll finish it! We'll finish it!

Roland:
For God's sake tell Elliot that it is going well.

Phil Parish:
He's a network executive. Lies don't fool him. He lies for a living.

[Bruno delivers Phil's dinner to him in the catering bus]

Phil Parish:
Bruno! You know cows?

Bruno:
Cows?

Phil Parish:
Yeah. Big things. Four legs - one in each corner. Stand in fields a lot and moo.

Bruno:
Yeah.

Phil Parish:
What they don't do is stand in fields a lot and *swim*. The things that swim are called fish. [holds up his plate] This, peabrain, is fish! Cows are a completely different kettle of... are completely different!

Bruno:
Yeah, they said what with it being an early lunch, they'd no time to do your steak.

Phil Parish:
Yeah, well, just in case you decide to go fishing and reel in a cow.

[Bruno walks off]

Phil Parish:
[to Roland] It's one of those days.

Roland:
You want to try my job, mate. They're *all* "one of those days".

[Ted is explaining his idea for a new TV series which features twin brothers who are civil engineers]

Elliot Nichols:
You're on slightly shaky ground here, son. Who play the brothers?

Ted:
How do you mean?

Roland:
What actors are you proposing?

Ted:
Actors? I dunno. I haven't really thought about actors. The brothers' characters...

Phil Parish:
Ted, Ted, love, with respect, sod the characters. What you have to...

Ted:
But the whole story revolves around...

Roland:
Sod the story. Who are the stars? The big names.

Elliot Nichols:
That's the bottom line. If you want to get your series on TV, 1: get your stars; 2: make it about police, detectives or doctors. OK?

Phil Parish:
These twin brothers, Ted. Which one's gay?

Ted:
They've got girlfriends.

Roland:
Are *they* in the police?

Ted:
No.

Phil Parish:
And one of *them's* gay?

Ted:
No.

Roland:
It's no good for Channel 4, then.

Elliot Nichols:
So hang on. Let me get my head around this? Who's shagging who? Is one of the brothers shagging the other brother's bird?

Ted:
No, there is no shagging.

Roland:
No good for ITV, then. Or the BBC. Or Channel 4. Or Five.

Phil Parish:
[Phil's watch alarm bleeps] Ah. I better go. Busy busy. I hope that's helped.

Ted:
The brothers are building this bridge, right. You see the thing about this bridge is...

Roland:
Ted, TV is quizzes or cooking or gardening or DIY or drama. And drama! is either handcuffs or stethoscopes. Not about building bridg! es. Your idea's a bit too avant-garde.

Elliot Nichols:
And it'll still need stars, detectives and doctors.

Roland:
And shagging.

Elliot Nichols:
And shagging. Never underestimate the intelligence of the viewing public.

[after repeatedly cocking-up his one and only line, Joe McGill pleads for just one more take]

Joe McGill:
Phil! Mr Parish. Sir. Couldn't we give it another go? I've read the whole script. It's a scene of prime importance to the understanding of it.

Phil Parish:
Why didn't you get it right, then?

Joe McGill:
We've had to do it over and over, all day.

Phil Parish:
That's what you're paid for.

Joe McGill:
We're not machines. We're not cameras.

Phil Parish:
You had *one* line to do, Mr McGill. One! And you couldn't.

Joe McGill:
It was the thirteenth take.

Phil Parish:
All the more reason.

Joe McGill:
I did the others OK. One or two of them were *your*... Not your...

Phil Parish:
Do you know why you couldn't do it? Because you're no good. And that's why you're an extra. A stupid lousy extra. Useless old bugger.

Gilbert Dean:
[trying to placate Phil] Yeah, OK, Phil.

Phil Parish:
[to Gilbert] OK? He's living proof of what you say about actors. Always. Non-stop.

Gilbert Dean:
Yeah. Enough, though. No need to upset him.

Phil Parish:
No? So which matters most? Sparing his feelings or saving the bloody the film? Him, or your script that took you months to write, as you're always telling us? And him two minutes to kill stone dead. Which matters most?

Joe McGill:
You don't know me. You know nothing about me. Whether I'm stupid or no good or anything. You've only met me today. I've had thousands of days before today. I might be a very interesting person, for all you know. I might have been acting since before you left school. I might have once been in a cafe when an IRA bomb got chucked in. I might have brought up three kids. One of them might have been to college and got a 2:1.

Phil Parish:
Jesus! You also might have buggered up a day's filming.

Joe McGill:
This isn't real life, lad! It's pretend! It's all pretend! You're pretending! The whole damn fool film's pretending!

Phil Parish:
[pompously] Real life is how well we pretend, isn't it, sir? You, me, everybody in the world.

[Mr McGill looks crestfallen]

Phil Parish:
Perhaps we'll try and find the best bits from what you did and glue them together and no-one'll know. And it'll be all right on the night. [mutters] As they say.