Rita, Sue and Bob Too!

Sue's Dad:
You'll not get a bleedin' job sittin' on your arse in here.

Sue's Mum:
Look who's talking; you haven't done a day's work in years!

Rita:
We haven't got eggs inside us. We're not ducks, y'know!

Bob:
You take the rubber johnny out of the packet-...

Sue:
You didn't think we thought you could put packet on, did ya?

Bob:
Well, things haven't been going so good with me and the wife.

Rita:
Tell us another one!

Sue:
There's no way I'm workin' all week for twenty-seven pounds thirty on some bleedin' trainin' scheme.

Sue's Dad:
I had to work for eighteen shilling!

Sue's Mum:
That were in the days of Methusela! They were worth more then.

[Rita and Sue are in Bob's car. Bob is about to make love to Sue on the front seat. Rita is in the back, feeling rather left out of things]

Rita:
[sarcastically] I'll just watch, if it's all right?

[Bob climbs on top of Sue. Rita takes a closer look]

Rita:
Jesus! It looks like a frozen sausage!

[to Michelle, during an argument]

Bob:
When we have sex, it feels like shagging a bag of spuds - you lay there like a bit of wet rag.

Aslam:
I can't help being a pakki!

Sue:
Its all your fault. If you'd had sex wi' him, he wouldn't have to go elsewhere.

Sue's Mum:
Keep you mouth shut!

Michelle:
Well, Is that you've been saying you dirty bastard?

Michelle:
My husband is not a dirty bastard, it's your daughter and her so-called "mate".

Sue's Dad:
[Sue comes in at 2pm; her Dad is sitting there with a baseball bat] Where the f*** have you been?

Sue:
Baby sitting.

Sue's Dad:
Not just till 2 o'clock in the f***in' morning you haven't, don't lie to me lass!

Sue:
I'm not, you ask me mum.

Sue's Dad:
Well yer mum's a lyin' bastard an all and I'll wrap this round ya f***in' neck! [throws bat down]

Sue:
[blows a huff] Mum!

Sue's Mum:
What?

Sue:
Come and tell him!

Sue's Dad:
You're a lying little sh*t!

Sue's Mum:
Oh, I'm f***ing fed up with him! What do you think yer f***in' playing at?

Sue's Dad:
You try to tell me that she's been baby sitting till this f***in' time?

Sue's Mum:
How do you know she hasn't?

Sue's Dad:
Cause' there's nowt open that's how!

Sue:
There is!

Sue's Mum:
Night Clubs.

Sue's Dad:
Well I don't f***in' believe yer, next time I will wrap it round yer neck.

Sue's Mum:
Just be careful I don't bloody wrap it round yours!

Sue's Dad:
Anyway, why don't you f*** off back to bed?

Sue's Mum:
I'm sleeping in here, you're sleeping on yer bloody own.

Sue's Dad:
Do what yer like.

Sue's Mum:
I bloody will, don't worry!

Sue's Dad:
F*** it, I'm going to bed.

Sue:
Oh go on.

Sue:
Aren't you going to bed?

Sue's Mum:
I'm not getting in with him!

Aslam:
I can't help being a paki!

Sue's Dad:
Yes you f***in' can. Shouldn't interfere.

Sue's Mum:
Nor should you! You're always tellin' folk what they should do; you haven't done it yourself!

Sue's Dad:
[trying to be dignified] I've done some things...

Sue's Mum:
You've done nowt and you've been nowt all your life!

Michelle:
[while ironing Bobs trousers Sue finds a packet of condoms inside his pocket] What the bloody hell are you doin' with a packet of these?

Bob:
Me and Joe were havin' a laugh with 'em in the pub. We were blowin' 'em up!

Michelle:
I'm sorry to tell ya but I don't believe yer.

Bob:
Well go and see Joe and ask him yer self then.

Michelle:
[while tossing the packet at him] Yer a lyin' bastard, you've been arsin' around again.

Bob:
Don't be silly!

Michelle:
What's the matter, do you think I'm thick? I know you've been pissin' about.

Bob:
How do you know anythin'?

Michelle:
Staying out 'til all hours in the morning and making stupid excuses!

Bob:
So what?

Michelle:
I bet it was that dirty little b*tch you was screwing before. The trouble with you Bob is you're sex mad.

Bob:
Ah don't be daft woman.