Saul of the Mole Men

[Opening signature tune]

Vocalist:
There was a mission underground / So they sent some explorers down / But the crewmen of any worth / Died on their way to the center of the Earth / So we're left with: Johnny Tambourine / A grumpy robot machine / And Saul Malone, the de facto leader of the team / And now he's: Saul of the Mole Men / Saul of the Mole Men / Saul of the Mole Men.

Stromulus Guandor:
I did not say you were a slut. I said you were acting like a slut.

Princessa:
I always pictured myself having a traditional birdbat wedding... the beautiful ceremony, the mating dance, and then we choose one person... [deep voice] WHO WE EAT ALIVE!

Stromulous Gaundor:
Why?! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y-y?!

Bertrum:
Because you shot her that's why -- Your own daughter, with your own gun!

Jim:
Listen, this is important. I need you to reach into my chest pocket, take out that terry cloth, and, ever so delicately cover up my genitals.

Saul:
I can't sir! I'm just a geologist.

[Jim slaps Saul]

Jim:
You're a STRATA geologist.

Jim:
Those aren't my genitals. They belonged to Keiko. My genitals are over there.

[cuts to the next scene where Jim's other body was cut in half with his genitals sticking out]

Jim:
The fate of the world is in your hands, Todd Rogers.

Saul:
It's me -- Malone. Saul Malone.

Jim:
Then what are you doing with Todd Rogers' cold sore?

Saul:
It's a mustache.

Jim:
The coldest sore of all., Todd Rogers. The coldest sore of all.

Announcer:
Meet Saul Malone. Some people are people. Other's geologoists.

[Saul screaming while falling]

Saul:
It's a STRATA communication atenna.

[Saul goes back to screaming]

Saul:
Who knows what hot, dirty, little methane-filled crack that might shaft may have fallen into?

Robot:
What the hell are those -- Mongoloids or something?

Saul:
I thought that at first, but chinamen they are not.

Robot:
I meant retarded.

Johnny Tambourine:
My twin sister's retarded. Or was she chinese? Oh, that's right -- She was stillborn.

Saul:
Hedonistic, orgiastic intercourse mongers! What carnal assault will they unleash on each other next?

Saul:
These cockeyed copulators are drunk on fornication and cheap pineapple wine.

Mr. President:
Need I remind you we are bound together but the most powerful of all bonds?

STRATA Operator #1:
Well, yes, I know that, sir.

Mr. President:
Bonds that link us.

STRATA Operator #1:
Uh, yes, I-I'm well aware of that the bonds, sir.

Mr. President:
Secret bonds.

STRATA Operator #2:
Uh...blood bonds?

Saul:
Charley horse!

Clancy:
Father, I can't stand to see you like this.

Bertrum:
He's revolting! We should just put him out of his misery.

Robot:
Now, slow down, son. I'm just an old man who checked the organ-donor box on his driver's license.

Robot:
I didn't know some government agency was going to harvest my brain and stick it in an iron widget. So just slow down, damn it.

Saul:
Okay...

Robot:
Now that's too slow!

Saul:
We need a plan!

Johnny Tambourine:
I've got it! When I was a boy, I had a neighbor named Terry Trickles. Terry liked lily pads. He called them toad floats.

Bertrum:
Don't mention it. Seriously... [deep tone] Don't mention it.

Bertrum:
Uh fellas, say, you heard the one about the evil mole man who distracts the two sentries? Good joke. It's long, but it has a good ending. You know, anecdote, really.

Saul:
Personally, I prefer the soulful sounds of doo-wop to that crackerjack pap.

STRATA Operator #1:
Play it again.

[STRATA Operator #2 plays the recorder of Saul's messages from another place]

Saul:
STRATA, come in! It's Saul Malone! I'm trapped in the center of the Earth!

STRATA Operator #1:
I can't hear squat!

STRATA Operator #2:
The wave form is unstable.

[STRATA Operator #2 plays it again]

Saul:
STRATA, come in! It's Saul Malone! I'm trapped in the center of the Earth!

STRATA Operator #1:
It's completely unintelligible!

Saul:
In high school they called me Saul Gayrock just 'cause I drew a heart around a rare geode in my textbook.

Saul:
A talking rock.

Mother Rock:
Yes. We are sentient beings as you suspected.

Saul:
I knew it! Take that, Nathaniel Baltimore...[spits] ...my rival from the Tallahassee geological license review board.

Mother Rock:
You must lead them, Saul Malone. Lead them to a better way!

Saul:
Me, lead the mole men? I've never led anything in my life! In high school --

Mother Rock:
ENOUGH ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL! NO ONE CARES ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL!

Clancy:
We will rebuild the village exactly as it was, down to the last carelessly placed, misshapen mud brick!

Bertrum:
Don't rebuild the village, you nitwit! This is an opportunity to build mole-man terrace, a planned community! Father would have loved --

Clancy:
Father would have eaten those plans and then excreted them out and then consumed the excretion and then regurgitated the consumed excretion into your mouth, Bertrum!

[Clancy and Bertrum sees they're father struggling to get up while caught on fire]

Bertrum:
Father, obviously you're dying, so -- Real quick -- I'm the heir to the throne, correct?

Clancy:
BERTRUM!

Saul:
Wait! Wait! Wait! I'm supposed to lead the mole men! Me! Saul Malone! There's greatness inside of me.

Anne-Zod:
He was here before you. [referring to Chincula behind Saul]

[Many people and creatures of the Mole Man created their own campaign video]

Mole Men #1:
So, what do you make about all this election business?

Mole Men #2:
It's confusing. There so many choices.

Mole Men #1:
If only there was someone who talked like you and me.

Clancy:
Hi. I am Clancy Burrows, and I talk like you and me. I talk about family, digging, and old-time religion. Isn't that enough?

Bertrum:
No, it's not enough, Clancy Burrows! Mole men deserve a king with new ideas and plans, ideas for a revitalized downtown...

[shows the Mole men where they transport places with hamster tubes]

Bertrum:
Ideas to tackle our crippling social issues...

[shows the Mole men being put in a meat grinder]

Bertrum:
Idead to address immigration reform...

[shows Saul, Johnny, and Robot stranded in a dark area while someone filming them]

Bertrum:
...and an idea so big, I refuse to divulge it until after the election!

[shows Clancy confused at a big question mark]

Bertrum:
Do you hear that, Clancy Burrows?! It's the sound of new plans and ideas! Or maybe you can't hear it...because you are deaf!

Announcer:
The floating pancake says he won't raise taxes to rebuild the village. The floating pancake is a liar.

Chinacula:
I'm Chinacula, and I approve this message.

Saul:
You vicious mole-men troglodytes have to stop digging those rocks. What you're doing is wrong! Dead wrong! So vote for me, Saul Malone.

Robot:
[sarcastic] Wow.

Saul:
You liked it, huh?

Robot:
[sarcastic] Wow.

Saul:
The election is as good as mine.

Johnny Tambourine:
I'm going to vote for that Bertrum chap. He's the only one tough enough to stand up to the immigrants.

Robot:
[surprised] Wow!

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
So, by show of applause...Saul Malone!

Old Mole Men:
[claps] Oh, no, sorry. I didn't mean to clap.

Mole Men #3:
I'm sick of thinking!

Saul:
No! You can't be king! I should king!

Johnny Tambourine:
King? I'm king?

[Saul strangles Johnny]

Johnny Tambourine:
[while being strangled] Oh, wow!

[Saul gets put in prison]

Saul:
No! The rocks told me I was supposed lead the mole men! The rocks told me I had greatness inside of me!

Mole Men Prisoner:
I'll put greatness inside of you. [laughs evilly]

Saul:
What sort of topsy-turvy world is this? Mole men? Talking rocks? Maybe I am nuts.

Mole Men Prisoner:
Nuts? I'm afraid you're all too sane, my friend. The rocks talk to me, too.

Saul:
Really? What did they tell you?

Mole Men Prisoner:
This.

[the Mole Men Prisoner plucks both of his eyes out screaming in agony as well as Saul]

Clancy:
Your majesty, I come to pay my respects and offer a tribute.

[Johnny confused]

Robot:
That's a gift. He's giving stuff to you.

Clancy:
The kings of old believed it helped ward off the evil spirit of Otnip. Father believed it helped him rule with wisdom, strength, and clarity.

Johnny Tambourine:
Oh, um, thanks.

Clancy:
You don't like it?

Johnny Tambourine:
No, no --

Clancy:
You seem underwhelmed.

Johnny Tambourine:
It's fine.

Clancy:
It has a great deal of sentimental value. It symbolizes the lineage of the mole man royal family as well as our love of orbs.

Robot:
He said he doesn't like it.

Clancy:
Well, I guess I can just take it back.

Johnny Tambourine:
[happily] Okay.

Clancy:
So, you're refusing my gift, then?

Robot:
You heard the man.

Clancy:
Son of a b*tch!

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Hey, flesh sack. Can I get a spot?

[Saul feels concerned]

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Get on over here. Ain't no sex thing.

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
I got a plan.

Saul:
You do?

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
A plan to bust out of here.

Saul:
No way.

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Gonna fake an injury to distract the guard, then make a break for it. You in?

Saul:
You better believe it, pal.

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
Great.

[Mole Men Prisoner #2 breaks one of Saul's legs]

Mole Men Prisoner #2:
You, guard, man down!

[Mole Men Prisoner gives a thumbs up to Saul afterwards while Saul gets beaten to death by the officers]

Bertrum:
Your kingship, I offer you this token of admiration. Just a simple novelty item.

Johnny Tambourine:
It's a pen!

Bertrum:
Now turn it over.

[Johnny turns over the pen that shows a naked mole woman]

Johnny Tambourine:
Wow!

Robot:
These buffalo still have a few tricks up their sleeves.

Johnny Tambourine:
I can honestly say I've never received a more heartfelt and meaningful gift.

Clancy:
Oh, come on!

Bertrum:
Why don't you sign this important document in triplicate, effectively green-lighting my big secret idea - Project Thunder Hole!

Bertrum:
A single hole so massive that it will make all other holes obsolete! A hole so grand in scope, we mole men will never have to dig another hole again! And we'll dig it where we've never dug before -- Straight up.

Clancy:
FORBIDDEN!

[Saul drawing the number of days he's been in prison by using a rock]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Stop vandalizing your cell. We just renovated this wing.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
The judge request your presence in the courtroom.

Saul:
Judge? Courtroom? What do you people know of justice? Of common decency? The crapper's a hole in the ground, for crying out loud, and there's only one corncob to share between the two of us.

[Mole Men Prisoner #1 still plucking his eyes out in agony]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
You were promised a full and fair trial, and that's what you'll get.

[cuts to next scene where the courtroom takes place in a battle arena between Saul and the Judge who is a worm monster]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
If the Judge finds you innocent, your life shall be spared. If the Judge eats you, it means you are guilty.

Robot:
I don't care who wins. I like to see a good fight, like when Murph took down that big Russki in Frisco. Murph was drunker than a turd-house rat, but, by god, he knocked that Russian bear out cold with a body shot and a lit cigar in his mouth!

Bertrum:
[to Johnny] So...about that Thunder Hole --

Clancy:
FORBIDDEN!

Saul:
Aw, my coccyx.

Bertrum:
[to Saul] You'll have to excuse my brother. He suffers from certain nervous disorders.

Robot:
What, he's a fruit?

Bertrum:
The choice is simple, Mr. Malone. Become the public face of Project Thunder Hole, or get reacquainted with an old friend of yours, an old friend named Bernice Resnick.

Saul:
[confused]

Bertrum:
That's the wormy's name.

[Mole Woman bumps into Saul]

Mole Woman:
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me help you. [to Mole Men Waiter] YOU, CLEAN THIS UP!

Mole Woman:
Hey, aren't you Saul Malone, the official thunder-hole geologist?

Saul:
Well, I guess you could say that.

Mole Woman:
Wow. You're responsible for the destruction of so many rocks. It makes my egg pouch all hot.

Saul:
No, on the contrary, my aim is to limit the damage to an absolute minimum.

Mole Woman:
I hate you now.

Bertrum:
Just this morning, a little crippled boy named Tommy hobbled up to me. He said, "Mr. Bertrum, will Project Thunder Hole have a place for me"? And I said, "No, cripples will not be allowed to work on Project Thunder Hole. It's not practical".

Tommy:
[sad sigh]

Beet God:
Hey, what's going on?

Clancy:
It's the big gala for Project Thunder Hole.

Beet God:
Huh?

Clancy:
Thunder Hole -- The thing I was warning you about.

Beet God:
Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Thunder Hole, huh? Sounds cool. What's it all about?

Clancy:
It's Bertrum's evil plan to dig into the "taboo area." I prayed to you to stop it.

Beet God:
Huh?

Clancy:
Doh -- Fine -- Ah...

Clancy's Wife:
Come on, Lil. We live in a godless void.

Saul:
You want me to beat a poor, defenseless mutant in a canvas sack? What, are you nuts?

Bertrum:
What's the big deal? It's just a mutant.

Mole Woman:
It's really ugly. Besides, it likes it.

Saul:
It's in agony.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
On the contrary. To the best of our knowledge, it has no nervous system. It can't feel a thing.

[Dr. Brad kicks the mutant which is still groans in pain]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
See?

Saul:
What's your name?

Fallopia:
...

Saul:
What's...your...name?

Fallopia:
...

Johnny Tambourine:
I don't think she knows how to talk.

Robot:
Do what they do to make horses talk on those tv programs. Put peanut butter in her mouth. That'll get the old gums flapping.

Saul:
Robot, that's not a half-bad idea.

Mr. President:
How are you trying to reach your goal?

STRATA Operator #1:
By activating the DX-2, our backup drill ship.

STRATA Operator #2:
But there's a slight problem, Mr. President. The ship can only drill up. It's a design flaw.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #1:
Of course. Indochina!

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #1:
We'll take the drill ship to Indochina.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #2:
That way we can drill up, straight to the center of the earth.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

STRATA Operator #1:
Pack your bags, STRATA Operator #2. We're going to Indochina.

STRATA Operator #2:
Let's go.

Mr. President:
Indochina.

Saul:
Fallopia? That's beautiful.

Fallopia:
But you can call me what everyone else does -- A hideous mutant barely worthy of being a punching bag.

Saul:
[to Fallopia] No, you're beautiful.

Robot:
You're a real looker, missy. Hubba-hubba!

Johnny Tambourine:
For a human, sure, but she's a mole. Why would I want a hideous mole when I could have any mole I want?

Robot:
Johnny's right. She's a pig.

Johnny Tambourine:
Let's go find some real mole girls. Once you've gone mole, there's no other hole.

Saul:
Sometimes when my nostrils gets too bushy, people think it's a booger, and it makes them self-conscious, and they start thinking they might have a booger or something else in their nostrils, and that is the last thing I want to happen with Fallopia. God knows she's suffered enough.

Saul:
Who are you kidding, Malone? You haven't been on a date since you followed that docent around the geology museum, and Fallopia is no Jane Geode. She's a certified knockout!

Lil:
Don't worry, mister. You'll be fine. She's just a filthy, wretched ogre. She's lucky to get a guy like you. [referring to Fallopia who is sexy human version of mole man]

Saul:
Really? You think so?

Lil:
I don't know.

Captain:
BTO. Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

STRATA Operator #2:
It's not Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

[the Captain snatches one of the crewmate's knife and stabs him aggressively for misspelling the word]

Captain:
BTO. Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

STRATA Operator #2:
Listen, you can threaten me. You can stick that knife through his hand and into the table till the cows come home, but hear me now and hear me well. That is not Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

[the two guys then have a suspension expression fight afterwards]

[Saul sees Johnny and Fallopia doing sex with each other]

Saul:
What are you two doing in there?!

Johnny Tambourine:
[to Fallopia] See? I told you he wouldn't know.

Saul:
[to Fallopia] We had a date! How could you just turn around and have intercourse with Johnny Tambourine?!

Fallopia:
I think he does know, Johnny.

Fallopia:
Please, let me explain.

Saul:
Go ahead! Try me!

Fallopia:
This thing with Johnny -- It's just incredibly passionate, transcendent sex and the deepest kind of romantic love. So, please, I cherish you as a friend...a totally sexless friend.

Clancy:
[on phone] Listen, Jim, the reason I called is I need your support to stop my brother's wicked scheme to dig into the taboo area.

Jim:
Not interested! [hangs up]

Clancy:
Son of a b*tch!

Bertrum:
Sure, there were those who called it unwise, risky, overambitious. [fake cough] Clancy!

Bertrum:
My fellow moles, the hour has come to usher in the era of thunder hole! Let the dig begin!

[the Mole Men worker gets crushed by rocks when he touched the ceiling of the surface]

Bertrum:
Good work. Next digger.

Lil:
What's the matter?

Saul:
Ask me after you go through puberty.

Lil:
[crying]

Saul:
Hey, kid, don't take it so hard. I didn't mean anything by it.

Lil:
That's just it, mister. I was supposed to go through puberty today. I need to be escorted by a guardian, but my dad was too busy to take me to catch my testicles.

Saul:
[spits water] Catch your testicles?

Lil:
I'm two months overdue to go on the great testicle hunt.

Saul:
You have to hunt down your testicles?

Lil:
Yeah! Down at Puberty Gulch. And if I don't get them soon, I could end up...intersexed.

Saul:
Well, that puts a whole new wrinkle in the puberty process.

Lil:
[singing] I wish I had a pair of balls, for then I wouldn't be a runt. But my dad won't find the time to take me on the testicle hunt.

Saul:
[singing] Don't despair, you little guy. Wipe that tear from your eye, I will take you with the other dads to Puberty Gulch to find your nads.

Lil:
[singing] There we'll join the testicle hunt.

Saul:
[singing] So you have balls and not a uterus.

Reporter:
Mr. Bertrum, what do you say to the families of all the crushed diggers?

Bertrum:
To make an omelet, break some eggs, uh, died as heroes -- You know, you fill in the blanks.

[Saul and Lil went to the Puberty Gulch were they see the testicle monsters]

Saul:
We'll I'll be. They're cute as the Dickens.

Saul:
Easy there, little guy. You got to be patient. Use stealth and cunning.

Lil:
Gosh, you're smart.

Saul:
Well, let's just say I learned a few things at Sleepaway Camp.

Lil:
Those are scary testicles.

Saul:
STEP BACK, SON! THEY HAVE RABIES! There's only one thing we can do for them.

[Saul instantly smashed the scary testicles]

Clancy:
Bob, how many more diggers have to die before you admit that you were wrong?

Bob:
406.

Clancy:
What's that? Can I ask how you arrived at that number?

Clancy's Wife:
Clancy?

Clancy:
Not now, honey! I'm --

Clancy's Wife:
Don't you "Not now" me. Lil has run away.

Clancy:
What?! But I-I-I --

Clancy's Wife:
That's right. Because you were too wrapped up in your crusade to take him testicle hunting.

Clancy:
But I --

Clancy's Wife:
Don't you "But I" me. You're so obsessed with saving mole society, you've forgotten how to be a father to your only child! Now he could end up a hermaphrodite! And isn't one of those enough for this family?!

Clancy:
You're right. I've been a fool. But don't worry. I've got a feeling I know where to find him.

[Clancy leaves]

Clancy's Wife:
Psst! Your, uh...tampon string is hanging out.

Clancy:
Ah. Thanks.

Bertrum:
I hereby dedicate this memorial to the heroic workers who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the success of Project Thunder Hole.

[another digger gets killed by a memorial statue]

Bertrum:
Thunder Hole! Whoo!

All:
Boo! Hiss!

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Word on the street is the casualty rate is too heavy.

Bertrum:
Well, what am I supposed to do about it?!

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
I recommend we consult with Malone, the geologist. He may be able to devise a safer method for upwards digging.

Bertrum:
Fine! Bring him here, then.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Uh...we're looking for him. In the meantime, I recommend you sign these personalized letters to the families of the crushed workers.

Bertrum:
I just made a whole speech! What do these people want from me?!

[The testicle monsters turned into butterflies]

Lil:
Oh, no! They're metamorphosizing!

Saul:
Man, these balls sure have a lot of wrinkles.

Lil:
We're out of time! I'm destined to be intersexed!

Clancy:
Lil!

Lil:
Dad!

Clancy:
I came to apologize and to give you these.

[Clancy gives him old testicle monsters that are coughing]

Clancy:
They belonged to your grandfather.

Lil:
Dad, did you ever think maybe I wanted my own pair of testes and not Grandpa's wrinkled old sack?

Clancy:
I've learned an important lesson today.

Lil:
Huh?

Clancy:
From now on, you're my first priority, Lil.

Lil:
Thanks, Dad.

Clancy:
Just wait. In a few days, those babies will take root, and I'll show you how to shave. [referring to the testicle monsters]

Lil:
Wow!

Lil:
Dad, we have to save Saul from that horrible monster!

Clancy:
[chuckling] The Birdbats aren't monsters, son.

Lil:
They're not?

Clancy:
Heavens, no. You see, monsters kill because they don't know any better, because they have to to survive. The Birdbats kill because they enjoy it. They're sociopaths.

Lil:
Oh.

Robot:
So what's it like having Johnny inside you?

Fallopia:
[kicks Robot] Robot! You dirty old man!

Robot:
It's not what you think. I'm a longstanding contributor to a highly respected biannual erotica journal.

Fallopia:
Good morning, Johnny. I made some breakfast for you.

Johnny Tambourine:
STOP SMOTHERING ME! [slaps the breakfast out of Fallopia's hands]

Fallopia:
Smothering?!

Johnny Tambourine:
YOU HAVE BEEN SMOTHERING ME!

[everyone was arguably shouting when Robot and Lil came in]

Lil:
[muttering]

Johnny Tambourine:
Saul's been kidnapped by birdbats?!

Lil:
[muttering]

Johnny Tambourine:
And we have to rescue him?

Lil:
Unh-huh-hmm!

Robot:
Not interested.

Saul:
What the heck are you? Some sort of half-bird, half-bat?

Stromulous Gaundor:
No! I am 100% birdbat!

Robot:
If I still had my lungs, I bet breathing all this crisp mountain air would remind me of the time me and Murph scaled the Himalayas with that sherpa. Three days in, supplies got scarce, but then Murph says eating human flesh once doesn't make you a cannibal any more than sleeping with a corpse makes you a necrophile.

Johnny Tambourine:
SHUT UP!

Robot:
[gasps]

Johnny Tambourine:
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STUPID MURPH STORIES!

Robot:
I don't want to go anymore! Just leave me here to die.

Johnny Tambourine:
FINE! [smiles afterwards]

Stromulous Gaundor:
Where is the stone Where is the stone?! WHERE IS THE STONE?!

Saul:
I told you, I have no idea!

Stromulous Gaundor:
Do not insult me. I am a scientist!

[shows Saul he got a chemistry set toy kit by proving he's a scientist]

Stromulous Gaundor:
I will see my Latisia again, senor Malone, but if I am ever to bring my wife back to this world, I am going to need that stone. Now, where is it?!

Saul:
I have a question for you. ARE YOU NUTS?!

Fallopia:
What are we gonna do now?

Johnny Tambourine:
SHUT YOUR BLEEDING MOUTH AND LET ME THINK!

Johnny Tambourine:
Fallopia's right. You are a real jerk, Johnny Tambourine. Why must you keep pushing everyone away? Maybe it's 'cause you haven't found the right chick.

Fallopia:
Saul!

Saul:
Fallopia! You came for me!

Fallopia:
Of course!

Saul:
So you do love me after all.

Fallopia:
No. Yes! I-I-I don't know. No. I am in a really mixed-up place right now.

Saul:
Oh, Fallopia, one day I'll find a way to win your heart.

Fallopia:
Maybe.

Saul:
You know, Lil, I have real feelings for Fallopia. But ever since I caught her and Johnny Tambourine in Flagrante Delicto, I --

Lil:
[grunting]

Saul:
I'm sorry -- Too much adult talk? Good idea -- Walk it off.

Bertrum:
This is no time for taking a load off. You are the supervising geologist on Project Thunder Hole. You signed a contract. Did you think that was the extent of your duties?

Saul:
You said once you had my signature, you'd have no further use for me!

Bertrum:
Eh, colorful expression.

Saul:
All your drunken digging has made the entire wall unstable. We need to rope off this entire --

[Saul gets stuck inside the hole due to an random earthquake]

Bertrum:
BLAH!

Saul:
If I have one regret, it's the solitary, friendless, lonely life I've led...and the choices I've made. I guess that's two things.

STRATA Operator #2:
Captain, we must get this drillship to Indochina now.

Captain:
We sail directly into storm. Make better time. And from there, to hell, boys. To hell. [laughs evilly]

Captain:
So. Anybody want to watch a video?

Saul:
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!

John Henry:
What am I? Not sure I even know anymore. But I think they used to call me Henry -- John Henry.

Saul:
The steel-driving man? But wait. John Henry died battling a mighty steam engine...in a digging contest...with a hammer in his hand!

John Henry:
That's a damn lie! I ain't never died. And that old iron b*tch has never quit.

John Henry:
Man versus Machine. Piston vs Muscle. We done fought so long, we done forgot what we're fighting for. We done fought so long, we don't know where one ended and the other begun!

[John Henry reveals to himself that has a steel armed tool in one of his arms]

Saul:
AAAAAAAH!

John Henry:
Yell like you never yelled before! But one thing is for sure, boy! You with me now! And you always will be!

[Saul still continues to scream like a maniac]

[STRATA Operator #1 and 2, and the Captain went into the storm]

Captain:
You say you want to go to hell?! Here you are!

STRATA Operator #1:
Nobody said we wanted to go to hell!

STRATA Operator #2:
Aaaah! Why do they call it "Remains Of the Day"?

John Henry:
Saul Malone, I'd make a wish and blow out the candle, but it's the only flame, and there ain't any more matches.

Saul:
Now, don't tell me I can't buy you things. I make my own damn money --

Captain:
Ship is sinking. We have to Jettison Cargo.

STRATA Operator #1:
[finds a Johnny Tambourine box doll] What about this crap?

Captain:
Ah, that's not crap. That Johnny Tambourine merchandise. This giant drillship -- That crap.

STRATA Operator #1:
Over my dead --

[Captain tries to shoot STRATA Operator #1]

Captain:
Damn! Moved like cat.

John Henry:
Saul, I want you to have something to remember me by.

[John unbutton his overalls]

John Henry:
Now reach over here and grab it. Get over here! This ain't no sex thing!

STRATA Operator #2:
You saved our life, and the drillship floats. How did you know?

STRATA Operator #1:
I-I didn't know. I was in a euphoric state because I'd taken the life of a man with my bare hands. But now that you mention it, I don't think it does float.

[the drillship shakes rapidly while drowning]

Hallucination John Henry:
You've go to look your weakness in the eye and stare it down.

Saul:
[gasps] Oh, my god!

[Saul sees his weakness as a disgusted face made of green mush]

Saul:
No, I can't look at it. It's too painful.

Hallucination John Henry:
But you must.

Saul:
No, I'm afraid.

Hallucination John Henry:
That's just it, Saul. You've always been afraid. Afraid of people. You try to preempt their condemnation by judging them first. Thusly, you've become another victim of A.N.S. -- Arrogant Nerd Syndrome!

STRATA Operator #2:
[gasping] Air thin. Pressure...crushing.

STRATA Operator #1:
Would you stop saying that already? You're wasting oxygen.

Kortoz:
Welcome, my brother.

Saul:
What the hell are you?

Kortoz:
Well, they call me Kortoz, but we don't need to get into all those labels and names, man. It's so ego-y?

Saul:
Ego-y?

Kortoz:
Crass notions like ego, they'll be left in the digital dust as we spin towards pure energy. Won't you join us?

Saul:
What are you, nuts?

Denise:
He's resisting.

Blaze Child:
He's too uptight.

Kortoz:
Perhaps you're right. This dude is too immature.

Denise:
But we can't give up on him.

Kortoz:
[normal voice] I said he's not ready. Denise?

[Denise feels sorry for herself]

Saul:
What would John Henry do?

John Henry:
[inside Saul's thought bubble] Free your ass, and your mind will follow.

Saul:
Who's that old guy?

Kortoz:
That's Luas, the wise one. Luas is the reason why we spin. We spin to commune with Luas.

Saul:
Well, I got a few questions I'd like to ask someone like that. Can I talk to him?

Kortoz:
No. [laughter] It takes years of spinning to make that level, bro. None of us have even met him, much less a newbie like you.

Saul:
But I --

Kortoz:
[normal voice] No, dude. No, it's not gonna happen.

[Saul spins with all his might, which actually made him to go higher more than ever]

Blaze Child #2:
No way! He's ascending.

Kortoz:
Grab his ankle. Grab his ankle!

Luas:
Do you know why you're here?

Saul:
The fire creatures, they said --

Luas:
Listen not to the fire creatures.

Saul:
But they're your followers.

Luas:
No, they're lost souls, cosmic poseurs intoxicated on their own combustion. Behold.

[Luas does a hand trick on Saul to see who the Children of Embers' Blaze really are]

Saul:
OH, MY GOD!

Luas:
Beware those who peddle enlightenment, for their ilk is rife with charlatans.

Saul:
Whoa! Even John Henry?

Luas:
No, he's cool.

[Robot gets stuck in a mountain for days while growing a beard]

Robot:
Can anybody hear me? Is anybody out there? Why don't you just die, old man?

[STRATA Operator 1 & 2 say their final wills before sinking into the ocean]

STRATA Operator #2:
We go back quite a ways, me and you. Quite...a...ways.

STRATA Operator #1:
That we do, my friend. That...we...do.

STRATA Operator #2:
And that's why, well, there's something I need to know...something I need you to tell me...about that night.

STRATA Operator #1:
Oh, but that was so long ago. Surely you're --

STRATA Operator #2:
I need to know, Brad.

STRATA Operator #1:
I can't!

STRATA Operator #2:
You must.

STRATA Operator #1:
No, I mustn't! I took an oath.

STRATA Operator #2:
Please...I beg of you.

STRATA Operator #1:
No, I dare not! There's not enough air left. And it hurts too much.

STRATA Operator #2:
More than you will ever know, Brad. More than you could ever...know.

STRATA Operator #2:
Robot has achieved data linkup. He's uploading his memory banks.

STRATA Operator #1:
Great. Before we all die at the bottom of the ocean, we'll find out what happened with the first mission.

Father:
Hello!

[Father gives Saul the STRATA antenna and then shoves it through the Father's head afterwards]

Saul:
I didn't mean to kill you, but I get nervous in social situations.

STRATA Operator #2:
That Saul Malone gets into more nonmission-related foolishness than a drunk mormon.

John Henry:
I'm John Henry.

STRATA Operator #1:
John Henry, the steel-driving man?

John Henry:
[breaks the 4th wall] Yes, that John Henry!

[Murph kills one of his teammates]

Robot:
No, Murph! No! He's one of our own, and he's been dead for three hours.

Robot:
When we got back stateside, old Murph began the practice of drinking human blood. He'd bludgeon them or curse out the poor son of a b*tch, then lap up the whole mess.

News Mole Man:
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Crazed gunman slaughters birdbats!

Stromulous Guandor:
Rest your beak, my friend.

Birdbat Henchman:
Will you perfect the resurrection technology and one day bring me back to life, Strong Guandor?

Stromulous Guandor:
First, I will resurrect my dead wife. Then my grandparents. Then famous birdbats from the past. But I will put you on the list. I...

[Stromulous checks his pockets]

Stromulous Guandor:
I'm sorry. I don't have a pen.

Stromulous Guandor:
I raised you alone and spoiled you. You want attention -- I get it. I've read the books.

Princessa:
I'm not in a book, father. I'm right here, and I'm in love, I tell you. I have never been so stimulated, mentally, physically.

Stromulous Guandor:
Don't! God, don't talk about it! How could your mother die and leave me? You should be telling her this stuff!

Stromulous Guandor:
And now we shall go beyond the verge!

Princessa:
[gasps]

Stromulous Guandor:
Also, you are grounded!

Princessa:
[sighs]

Stromulous Guandor:
You are forbidden to ever see your new love again! Guard! Lock her in the tower!

[the birdbat henchmen grabs Princessa to lock her in the tower]

Stromulous Guandor:
Don't think I don't know that this will make you want to see him more. I HAVE READ THE BOOKS!

Clancy:
Birdbats are hot-blooded, and passion can cloud their judgement. On the other hand, mole men are easily killed. Therefore, King Johnny, I suggest we fortify our position.

[Johnny stares at Clancy]

Clancy:
King Johnny?

Johnny Tambourine:
Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry, Clancy. I was looking at you, but I wasn't listening to you.

Johnny Tambourine:
Princessa! I've missed you! I've been vomiting all over myself, and it's just not the same.

[Princess starts to vomit on Johnny's chamber]

Johnny Tambourine:
It's even better than I remembered it.

Johnny Tambourine:
Don't worry, Princessa. Your Johnny's coming.

[as Johnny was about to save Princessa, he realizes something horribly after bumping into his chamber]

Johnny Tambourine:
That's odd. I'm stuck in some sort of sleep chamber. AAAAAH! AAAAAH! OH, GOD! AAAAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Saul:
There's no time for the innocent yet arousing clasping of hands.

Mother Rock:
How goes the task we entrusted to you?

Saul:
You told me to lead the mole men. I have made great strides towards that goal. I've made friends and lovers. I've learned a little something about myself along the way. Yet there are miles to go before I sleep. That's Robert Frost.

[Mother Rock did not understand who Robert Frost is and completely not amused]

Mr. President:
[on phone to Saul] Malone, find the STRATA operators and come back to the surface. You'll get the answers you seek. And, Saul, don't trust anyone, including me.

[dramatic music plays]

Mr. President:
[to Saul] And you.

Stromulous Guandor:
Now I know the pain you feel, Johnny Tambourine. And no amount of time will lessen it. The answer is to resurrect our beloveds...with this!

[Stromulous shows him the Resurrection Egg but in Johnny's point of view of the machine that it look like an actual egg for food]

Johnny Tambourine:
[happily] I don't want breakfast. I just lost my girl!

Stromulouse Guandor:
No, you fool! This is a resurrection egg. We will place first my wife and then my daughter in the egg. And then, in less than seven total minutes, they will be reborn.

Johnny Tambourine:
[happily] As babies? I don't want to be in love with a baby.

Saul:
I'm gonna miss you. You were my first mole man friend.

Lil:
Saul, you're like the Dad I wish I had. You always have time for me, and you listen.

[Saul sees Clancy coming on it's way]

Saul:
Lil, I don't have time right now! [runs away]

[Clancy stars to choke Saul]

Clancy:
I can't let you take the stones, Saul!

Saul:
Clancy, I have one question for you.

[Clancy lets go of Saul]

Saul:
ARE YOU NUTS?!

[Clancy gets back to choking Saul again]

Stromulous Guandor:
Johnny, pay attention. Saul Malone has the stones.

Johnny Tambourine:
[nods "yes"]

Stromulous Guandor:
You are his friend.

Johnny Tambourine:
[nods "yes"]

Stromulous Guandor:
Get the stones and bring them back here.

Johnny Tambourine:
[no response]

Stromulous Guandor:
[stressed] YEEE!

[in the previous clips of episode 14 for episode 15, Otnip tries to do a spell on Johnny Tambourine but didn't work this time]

Otnip:
Flaxen hair and pageboy cut, bell-leg panted and grooving butt. If you meet the preceding physical description, then take a stand. Rise and sow evil in the land!

[Johnny had no effect on his spell but still smiling]

Otnip:
It didn't work!

Clancy:
[to Saul] You got lucky for now. But I'll be back for those stones, so help me, Beet God!

Beet God:
Huh?

Clancy:
Nothing!

STRATA Operator #2:
Number-12 corked-head screwdriver.

STRATA Operator #1:
I gave you that one already.

STRATA Operator #2:
I don't think so.

STRATA Operator #1:
Well, I did! Check around under there somewhere.

STRATA Operator #2:
It's not here.

STRATA Operator #1:
Did you check your ass?

STRATA Operator #2:
That is not helping!

STRATA Operator #1:
Sorry.

STRATA Operator #1:
Hand me my flashlight.

[ironically Operator #1 already has a flashlight to its belt, but then ask Operator #2 to grab it for him and also turning it on]

Fallopia:
Tell me again of this wondrous place...Buffalo.

Saul:
Well, it's where they invented the hot wing. And it's the de facto capital of western New York.

Clancy:
Behind this wall lies a mysterious chamber, the contents of which may shock you. But I ask that you hold your questions until after out impending bloody showdown with the Johnny Tambourine dolls.

[as Clancy was opening Thunder Hole]

Saul:
What the --

Clancy:
Uh-uh!

Saul:
Sorry.

Saul:
My whole life, I've been consumed with proving my mother-rock theory to naysayers, like my hated rival, Nathaniel Baltimore. [spits in bucket]

[Clancy hears someone inside the house crying for help]

Young Clancy:
I say!

[as the random patriot stops beating up Benjamin when Clancy arrived, he starts to sh*t himself to death]

Benjamin Franklin:
[gags] Whatever is begun in anger....Whew....ends in shame.

Benjamin Franklin:
Thomas Jefferson, what brings you to my door at this hour?

Thomas Jefferson:
War is upon us, Ben, and you hold the power to a sure victory.

Benjamin Franklin:
We must beat the British with sweat and blood, not sorcery! Poof!

[Ben magically makes an explosion from his hand]

Benjamin Franklin:
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price!

Thomas Jefferson:
I have sworn upon the alter of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind man!

Benjamin Franklin:
And we have sworn on the oath of our masonic forefathers to protect, to stave off the ancient threat without regard of the ills of the day!

Thomas Jefferson:
GAH! Earth belongs to the living, Franklin, not the dead! Not to wars of legend fought on battlefields of men!

Benjamin Franklin:
Hear reason, Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson:
Ah?

Benjamin Franklin:
Or the Gabrum Eternicus will make you feel her. Now...good night.

[Benjamin opens his door telling Thomas to leave]

Thomas Jefferson:
RELINQUISH THE IGNEODES!

Benjamin Franklin:
I SAID GOOD NIGHT!

[Thomas did not leave while making angry quirky expressions and movements]

Benjamin Franklin:
I SAID GOOD NIGHT!

Thomas Franklin:
[whispered] Good night, sir. [leaves while making the same angry expression and movements along the way]

Benjamin Franklin:
PINTO! [strains, then dies immediately while farting]

Saul:
I found my stone while on vacation deep in the bowels of Indochina. WHILE ON VACATION!

Saul:
The Mother Rock -- She's rebirthing herself.

[Clancy uses Benjamin's book of Almanack]

Clancy:
[reads] "Dedicated to all the ladies". [chuckles]

[Dr. Lawrence search the insides of Saul to see what's happening in Saul's body]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Face trench and mouth socket -- Normal. Throat pod -- Inviting. Blood flow -- Normal. Whee! Intestinal tract -- Malodorous but normal. Now just around the bend, the urethra.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
What the hell is that? [screams in agony, while being sneezed out from Saul's nose]

Fallopia:
Doc, what did you see?

[Dr. Lawrence is still screaming in agony after seeing a traumatizing body part he did not expected Saul to have]

Fallopia:
Oh, Saul, there was so much ahead of us. You promised to take me to Buffalo! BUFFALO! [sobbing]

Mother Rock:
I wish it felt that good to be a rock these days.

Saul:
What do you mean?

Mother Rock:
Well, sometimes it seems everyone is against us. The mole men continue to dig in us. And humans -- The surface world is a catalog of horrors. Your civilizations have been built on our backs, blind to our pain and suffering. What you call quaint, we call MURDER.

Saul:
[vomits]

Mother Rock:
How does it feel to be the greatest scientists on Earth?

Saul:
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! Take that, Nathaniel Baltimore! [spits]

[Beet God and the Mole Men share their gifts for Saul's ceremony]

Beet God:
Larbus Entil Zox Mufonee!

Mole Men:
Mufonee! Beets! Beets! Beets!

Beet God:
Beets! Beets! Birds!

[the Mole Men throw up birds]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Saul Malone was a good man, and as the attending physician, I can't help but feel partially responsible for his death.

[Clancy hugs Saul]

Saul:
This hug is so passionate...it almost hurts.

[Clancy ties Saul to rock]

Fallopia:
What are doing, Clancy?!

Clancy:
Saul is the key to the Mother Rock!

Saul:
The rocks told you about me, too?

Clancy:
Talking rocks? That's ridiculous. A magic book told me.

[Clancy shows them the page of the book that Saul and a key connects with the Mother Rock]

Fallopia:
What else does your magic book foretell?

Clancy:
The last page is just a picture of me holding a book as it goes up in --

[the book suddenly starts catch on fire out of existence]

Clancy:
GAH!

Robot:
[crying]

Johnny Tambourine:
What is it, Robot?

Robot:
I can't take it anymore! Get me out of here, Johnny!

Johnny Tambourine:
Easy, old man. I'm homesick, too, but we're stuck here forever. [said it happily]

Clancy:
Doctor, why do you just stand there when this man is in such pain?

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
I tried to save that man's life, and I failed. Then I tried to kill him, and I botched that, too.

[Bertrum riding the drill ship]

Bertrum:
This destruction is most fun! I don't know why they call this "boring".

Zanegrey:
Doctor, I want to know your medical opinion of the patient.

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Isn't there a spell for that, Zanegrey? Can you read my mind? I'm thinking "You're a Charlatan" as loud as I can!

[as Zanegrey use his sonic reverberations to Saul, Saul's groin reflects Zane's magic by turning him into an apple pie]

Dr. Lawrence 'Brad' Perkins:
Mmm! Hot pie! [crunches] Oh! The roof of my mouth! [chuckles] Looks like you had the last laugh, Zanegrey.

Robot:
How much farther to the surface?

Bertrum:
Oh, we've already got there.

Robot:
Then what are you doing, you crazy bruffalo?!

Bertrum:
We've turned around. We're going back.

Robot:
WE'RE GOING BACK?! WHERE?!

Betrum:
Why, to the center of the Earth, of course.

Robot:
NOOOOOO!

[Betrum sings the same song while going back to the center of the Earth, while Robot screams in torture]

Mother Rock:
Come, Saul. Come to me. Your pain is our pain, Saul. You have greatness inside of you. Let us get rid of this pain together. The stone shall be inlaid in the mountain. THE STONE SHALL BE INLAID IN THE MOUNTAIN! RISE AND SAVE OUR WORLD!

Saul:
THE STONE SHALL BE INLAID IN THE MOUNTAIN!

Mother Rock:
Come, Saul.

[Saul puts his pain into the Mother Rock's hole giving her greatness inside of her and also making the third stone]

Saul:
Finally, the derisive laughter of my colleagues, like Nathaniel Baltimore...[spits]...will be replaced by the laughter of their begrudging acceptance.

[Mother Rock was revealed to be Otnip all along]

Otnip:
[Mother Rock's voice] So, you have discovered my identity. [clears throat to go back to his normal voice] But you're too late. The stone within Malone has been delivered!

Clancy:
So, this was what Thunder Hole was about all along, Bertrum?

Bertrum:
Yep. [no hesitation]

Clancy:
How could you betray our people this way?

Bertrum:
Easy -- I was promised the throne in exchange for my cooperation.

Otnip:
And the throne, you shall have.

[Otnip magically gives him a crown hat]

Otnip:
For the next 11 hours.

Bertrum:
11 Hours! That wasn't in the contract. [looks at the contract] Oh...who am I kidding? I don't know how to read.

[Saul turning into a rockman]

Johnny Tambourine:
I can't look! [excitingly decides to look]

Saul:
You bastard! You turned my beloved Mother rock into a whore -- A whore of evil!

[Saul memorize his ancestors who helped him along the way to end his rock transformation]

John Henry:
Saul...

Saul:
John Henry!

John Henry:
Look inside!

Luas:
You are large.

Saul:
Luas!

Luas:
You contain multitudes.

Saul:
My geology professor!

Saul's Geology Professor:
[randomly screaming and cheering]

Saul:
It's a heart of friendship...and love...and muscle tissue.

Stromulous Guandor:
[to Otnip] You fornicated me. Now I fornicate you!

Clancy:
We need to stop Otnip's diabolical plan.

Stromulous Guandor:
We look to you, Saul Malone, Master of Rock.

[Saul has no response]

Johnny Tambourine:
[chuckles] He doesn't have an answer.

Saul:
[belches] I do. It's just...

Johnny Tambourine:
[happily] He's doesn't know!

Saul:
[runs somewhere while belching]

Clancy:
What the...?

[Luas in the mirror shows a paper that show a pyramid in a spaceship]

Saul:
This pyramid is a spaceship?

[cuts to the next scene where there's actually a pyramid spaceship]

Saul:
THIS PYRAMID IS A SPACESHIP!

Bertrum:
[begging] Oh, please, brother! I beg of you! Don't leave me here to die!

Clancy:
You betrayed us all! Give me one good reason why I should spare you.

Bertrum:
Uh...

[Bertrum has no explanation of why he wants to get saved, so instead he just go through the spaceship anyways]

Bertrum:
AAAAH! [screaming while running on the spaceship floorboard]

Saul:
THE SUNS KNOW! I AM MAN ROCK, AND I HAVE MASTERED THE ROCK WITHIN.

Jim:
You're a true hero, Nathaniel.

Saul:
It's Saul... [looks at camera] Saul Malone.

[Jim dies]

Nathaniel:
He was talking to me. [gunshot] Hello, Saul.

Saul:
Nathaniel Baltimore? [spits] What are you doing here?1

Nathaniel:
[gunshot] I came down here to disprove your insane Mother Rock theory.

Saul:
Uh, I can't really talk right now.

Nathaniel:
[gunshot] What I have since discovered is nothing short of earth-shattering. There is far more to the Mother Rock than your feeble mind could ever dare grasp. But more about that later. Come, Saul.

[Nathaniel kisses Saul]

Clancy:
I'm going to deal with that Otnip once and for all!

Lil:
Dad, no!

Clancy's Wife:
Clancy, it's too dangerous!

Clancy:
If I don't go, we shall all perish!

Bertrum:
Hey, if the guy wants to go, let him go. [laughs] Look. He's eager.