Saved by the Bell

[repeated line]

Mr. Belding:
Hey, hey, hey. *What* is going *on* here?

Zack:
You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school, once you graduate you don't have to come back.

Kelly:
You sound like you're on 'Thirtysomething.'

Lisa:
Yeah, 'I have all these problems and there's no-one ever there for me. I talk and talk and talk but no-one ever listens.'

Mr. Belding:
Go to class, learn something.

[repeated line]

Screech:
[to Zack ] Hello, buuuuuuuddy!

Slater:
Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?

Jessie:
Sure, I'll go find one.

Louise:
Would you ever go steady with a guy named Moose?

Lisa:
Why not, you could always hang your coat on his antlers.

[Jessie & Slater are at war with each other]

Mr. Belding:
I wanna know what's going on right now.

Jessie:
[pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.

Mr. Belding:
Well, Brillo-He - -I mean, Slater...

Zack:
Lisa, you are looking lovelier than ever today.

Lisa:
Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit.

Zack:
Nicki, I'm in love with your sister.

Nicki Kapowski:
Oh. So you're dressing like this to turn me off then, huh?

Zack:
Yeah. Then you understand?

Nicki Kapowski:
[furiously] Yeah, I understand all right. I understand you're a dork who couldn't tell a 13-year-old girl the truth! That is SO immature!

[Nicki leaves]

Kelly:
[last lines of the episode, after Nicki leaves, Kelly shows up dressed as a sassy woman, to Zack] Hey, stud-muffin! I saw you with the little girl, and I like your style. How about you and I share a Kodak moment?

Zack:
Oh, I'd love to, but I already got a real good girlfriend, and I'm a one-woman guy. [smile at the audience, whispers, and points to Kelly] It's Kelly.

Kelly Kapowski:
Wow, look at this line.

Lisa Turtle:
[sigh] Man, we'll never get tickets to the U2 concert.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Oh, ye of little faith.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
That's right. Yeah, we told you we had a plan. Hey, have I ever let you guys down before?

Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle:
Yeah!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
When?

Lisa Turtle:
The time you snuck us into the drive-in movie in the trunk of your car.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
So I forgot the trunk key! You still got to hear the movie.

Kelly Kapowski:
But it was a Japanese movie!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hey, I tried to read the subtitles as fast as I could.

Kelly Kapowski:
[the gang have gone to the front of the line, where Screech is asleep] Hey, how did Screech get ahead of the line?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[Sn*ggers] He slept here all night.

Lisa Turtle:
How'd you get him to do that?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Simple. We bribed him with a new teddy bear.

Lisa Turtle:
Screech, this is the nicest, sweetest thing you've ever done.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Even nicer than the time I wrote "I love you" in chocolate syrup on your mother's white couch?

Lisa Turtle:
Forget the whole thing.

Kelly Kapowski:
Hey, where's Screech? Shouldn't he have the tickets by now?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Uh, well, uh, you see... Hey, let's go eat! Come on!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Yeah!

Kelly Kapowski:
What happened, guys?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
He was born. Need I say more?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Look, I'm sorry, Kelly. He accidentally stepped outta line and lost his place.

Kelly Kapowski:
Well, you better call a priest.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Why?

Kelly Kapowski:
Because Lisa's gonna kill him, and I'm gonna have bad thoughts.

Lisa Turtle:
Hi, guys!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hey, Lisa. So, how are things going with you and the shoe salesman?

Lisa Turtle:
Oh, they're lookin' good. Eddie wants to give me a ride in his Air Jordans.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
How many pairs of shoes did you buy, Lisa?

Lisa Turtle:
Oh, just three. I'm on a tight budget.

Lisa Turtle:
[Finds a bag] Hey, whose bag is this?

Kelly Kapowski:
Not mine.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
It's not mine.

Lisa Turtle:
Whoa, Mama!

Kelly Kapowski, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
*Whoa*, Mama!

Kelly Kapowski:
Is that real money?

Lisa Turtle:
[Smells the money] Smells like it. [Holds money to her ear and ruffles it] Sounds like five thousand, give or take a twenty.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, yes! Yes! This is going to be a good day after all.

Kelly Kapowski:
Wait a second. I mean, this isn't our money. I mean, some poor person lost it and we have to return it.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, get real, Kelly, what poor person has five thousand dollars?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Well, if they weren't poor before, they're poor now.

Kelly Kapowski:
We can't keep this. It's somebody else's money.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Alright, alright, let's be fair. I mean, if it is someone's money, we should give them time to reclaim it. Agreed?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Alright.

Lisa Turtle:
Yeah.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Okay, good, good. Then I hereby invoke the five foot, five second rule.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
The what?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
If no-one is within five feet of this money when I count to five, it's ours. Huh? One, two, three, four...

Kelly Kapowski:
Cut it out, Zack. We have to ask around and see if anybody lost five thousand dollars.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Okay, okay. [Whispering] Has anybody lost five thousand dollars?

Lisa Turtle:
Look, I don't know what you two are arguing about. This is my money. I'm the one who found the bag.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Wha - Your money? You never would've found the bag if Zack and I didn't slide over so you could sit down.

Lisa Turtle:
Okay, I'll split it with you.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Alri-i-i-i-i-ight!

Kelly Kapowski:
Split it with them? There wouldn't be a bag to find if I didn't sit at this bench. You'd still be rattling on about Eddie and his Air Jordans!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
I think I've got a way to solve this money problem.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
How? Give it all to you?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Alright, I'll think of another way.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Whoa, Screech! How'd you move up in line so fast?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Old Disneyland tactic. I hid under a fern until I could blend into line.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
You're goofy.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
No, but that's who taught me.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Look, Screech, we've got a little secret to tell you, but you gotta promise to keep it quiet.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Hey, did I ever tell Slater how you filled his locker with tapicoa pudding?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
That was you?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Uhhhhh... [Snickers] We don't have time for that. [Lisa hands him the bag] Look, Screech, we want you to buy a lot of tickets 'cause we just found five thousand dollars.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Loudly] Five thousand dollars? [Lisa puts her hand over his mouth]

Lisa Turtle:
[to Screech] Okay? [He murmurs yes, she removes her hand]

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Hmm. Did you have a doughnut for breakfast, Lisa? Your hand tastes good.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, man!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle:
Urgh!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[Trying to get elderly woman to let Screech go ahead of her in line] Excuse me, ma'am? Hi! I wonder if you'd let my friend go ahead of you. He missed last year's concert.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Yes, and you see, he was so depressed that he locked himself in the basement for a year.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Uh huh, and today is his first day out.

Old Woman:
No way, blondie. I never miss a U2 concert!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Well, uh, would fifty dollars help you change your mind? [Takes a bill out of the bag]

Kelly Kapowski:
What are you doing? That's our ticket money.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hey, you're forgetting about our find. [Hands Slater two bills]

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Um, did he say fifty, beautiful? 'Cause I think he meant one hundred, little darlin'.

Old Woman:
One hundred smackers? Make it two and I'm outta here. [Zack hands Slater two more bills]

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Here you go. [Hands her the money and she leaves]

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Alright! One more customer and we're rich!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Alright!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[a "sold out" sign is placed in the ticket window] What?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
I can't believe the concert's sold out.

Kelly Kapowski:
I can't believe we gave so much money to that old lady.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Reading a magazine] I can't believe there's a planet of Elvis impersonators on a collision course with Earth.

Lisa Turtle:
Can you believe this? [Hits him with the magazine]

Kelly Kapowski:
I think we should turn the money in right away.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hey, hey, hey, let's not be so rash. There are plenty of ways to make a quick buck.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Yeah! We could invest in the stock market and double our money.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
That's right.

Kelly Kapowski:
And what if we lose?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Who cares? It's not our money!

Lisa Turtle:
[Loudspeaker announcement has revealed that a new concert has been added due to demand for the first] This is great! We have a second chance to go to the concert!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Better yet, another chance to make a killing selling tickets.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Oh, no, I'm not sleeping here again. Last night, the security dogs were nipping at my underwear.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
No, Screech, this time, we're all staying so we're guaranteed to be first in line.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Well, wait, how are we gonna pull that off, Preppie?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
I don't know yet. But I do know we have a lot of money and, uh, a lot of hours to kill.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Hey, how about a little advance on tomorrow's profits, huh?

Lisa Turtle:
Yeah. Tickle my palm, honey. I've got places to go and shoes to try on.

Kelly Kapowski:
And I guess it'd be alright to look at some bathing suits. They were selling them for half off.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Oh, which half are you gonna buy?

Kelly Kapowski:
You know, I've always defended you. But you really are a bozo.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[the girls arrive at the movies, flustered] What's going on?

Lisa Turtle:
It's those weird guys, they were following us! We saw them at the boutique!

Kelly Kapowski:
They're obviously killers! I mean, we've stolen their money and now we're gonna die! I'll never get married, I'll never have a little white picket fence, I'll never get a letter from Ed McMahon again!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Oh, Kelly, shut up! They're not killers, they're just shoppers. This is a mall, you know.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Yeah. Look, this money's making us paranoid. I'm sure nothing weird is gonna happen while we're in here.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Relax.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Screech enters, dressed in a muscle filled superhero costume] Hi, guys.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Take that back.

Kelly Kapowski:
Screech, why are you dressed like that?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
'Cause they wanted three hundred dollars for the Little Bo Beep costume.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Yeah, but why are you wearing this costume?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Ha. See, that way, when the bad guys come, they won't notice me.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
The only place you wouldn't be noticed is in a nuthouse.

Lisa Turtle:
Don't be so sure.

Woman in Film:
[the gang are watching a movie] Don't go, Jonathan. I can't live without you.

Man in Film:
If you want me to stay, Lydia, let me hear those three special words.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[In high voice] Oh, Jonathan. Not here. Not now.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[In deep voice] Oh, Lydia, don't tease me so. You know how weak I am.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[In high voice] It doesn't matter, Jonathan. You're rich.

Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle:
Ssssshhhhh! [the girls move to the seats in front]

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
What? Girls!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
What? You gonna move?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[Slater places his fake hand between the girls] [In ghostly voices] Mwahahahaha!

Lisa Turtle:
[Both turn round and swipe at them] You're so infantile, Slater!

Kelly Kapowski:
We're trying to watch the movie!

Woman in Film:
Oh, Jonathan, I love you. Let's ask the warden to marry us.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[In deep voice] Are you proposing to me, my precious flower?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[In high voice] Oh, yes, darling. You're the only man I ever loved.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[In deep voice] Lydia.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[In high voice] Jonathan. [the two embrace then laugh]

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Can I be the best man?

Lisa Turtle:
[Turns round] No, but you can be the dork of honor! Now shut up, I'm trying to watch the movie! [Zack giggles]

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
You can't scare Screechman.

Lisa Turtle:
Oh, no? Watch this.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Lisa Turtle:
[Turns round, shakes fist then spots the two men] It's them! They're here.

Kelly Kapowski:
"Oh, just shopping, it's a mall, you know." Right. I hope they kill you two first!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Look, it's almost closing time. We've gotta find a place to sleep.

Lisa Turtle:
We're sleeping here? Couldn't we find someplace else? Like the Beverly Hills Hotel?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[Inside tent] Can you please move? Your foot is on my hand.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hey, your hand is on my foot.

Lisa Turtle:
It's dark in here.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
That's alright, my darling, I have X-Ray vision. [Commotion inside tent] Ow!

Lisa Turtle:
Get rid of that stupid costume!

Kelly Kapowski:
[the gang have discovered the money is gone] How could it just disappear?

Lisa Turtle:
[Holding shoe in her hand] How could I buy these *ugly* shoes?

Eddie:
Lisa, I've missed you.

Lisa Turtle:
Can the jive, Eddie. My friend and I wanna try on every shoe you have in this store. So get some help, honey, 'cause we got work to do.

Kelly Kapowski:
We have checked every box in the store! Where could it be?

Old Woman:
[Zack spots an unopened box and reaches for it at the same time as the old woman from earlier] You again?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, good morning, ma'am. I'll be taking this if you don't mind.

Old Woman:
Over my dead body!

Lisa Turtle:
[Pointing into the distance] Look! There's Kevin Costner!

Old Woman:
Where? [She leaves]

Kelly Kapowski:
[the gang are dressed in the outfits the wedding store mannequins had on] We should've returned the money right when we found it! Lisa, why'd you have to be so nosey and pick up that bag?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Yeah!

Lisa Turtle:
Hey, don't blame this on me! Zack's the one with all the bright ideas! [Suddenly smiling] Hey, Kelly, is my corsage on straight?

Kelly Kapowski:
[Smiling] Yeah, it looks great!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, officer, officer! I'm glad we found you.

Kelly Kapowski:
We need your help.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
These two mob guys are chasing us.

Lisa Turtle:
They want this money back that we found here yesterday.

Kelly Kapowski:
Or they're gonna kill us!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Is that a jelly doughnut?

Mall Cop:
Yes! Which means I'm on break. Heh. Come back in ten minutes.

Kelly Kapowski:
Ten minutes? In ten minutes, we're gonna be wearing cement boots, sleepin' in the ocean with the fishies!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Save us from those guys!

Mall Cop:
Why should I? I'm with them.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
What?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
I want my Mommy!

Louie:
Alright, kids, hand over the dough.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Alright. Alright. Here you go, see ya!

Louie:
You're not goin' anywhere! We've got a surprise for you.

Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle:
[Tearfully] We're dead!

Frankie:
No, kids, you're on Candid Video! [Camera crew reveal themselves] Wave to everyone at home!

Kelly Kapowski:
[They all wave halfheartedly in disbelief] The television show?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
You mean you've been videotaping this whole thing?

Louie:
That's right. The ticket line, the movies, the boutique, everything.

Lisa Turtle:
Urgh. Well this is terrible! I was wearing the same outfit for two days!

Mall Cop:
And for being guests on our show, Candid Video's gonna give you five front row tickets to the U2 concert!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Zachary 'Zack' Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
What?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Five front row tickets? Do you know how much money we could get for these?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Turtle, Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
*No*!

Slater:
What's the matter, Dad?

Major Slater:
My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. See ya, A.C.

Zack:
You guys sound like an eye chart.

[Screech is walking scrunched down near the floor]

Zack:
I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.

Screech:
That's okay, just paint me blue and call me a Smurf.

Zack:
I like school. It's a good way to kill time between weekends. It gives me five days to plan my Saturday night!

Mr. Belding:
Screech, you can't elope.

Screech:
Who're you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head?

Zack:
Kelly, your troubles are over. Screech here has agreed to share his wisdom and tutor you.

Screech:
I will be your Yoda. [to Lisa] And I will be your everything.

Lisa:
And I will be gone. [Leaves]

Kelly:
Okay, so when do we start?

Screech:
Well, tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after Alf.

Kelly Kapowski:
[Looking at Kelly, who is daydreaming] Well, she's got all the symptoms: glassy eyes, goofy look.

Lisa Turtle:
Mismatched wardrobe. It can only mean one thing.

Jessie Spano, Lisa Turtle:
[Turning to look at each other] Crush!

Jessie Spano:
Come on, Kelly. Who are you thinking about?

Lisa Turtle:
Is he cute?

Kelly Kapowski:
Well, kind of. He's real intelligent, got a great sense of humor, and he's really fun to be with.

Lisa Turtle:
Oh, if I found someone like that, I'd never let him go.

Jessie Spano:
So give already. Who is it?

Kelly Kapowski:
Screech. [Lisa spits out her drink in horror]

Jessie Spano:
Kelly, you're kidding, right?

Jessie Spano:
No, I had so much fun studying with Screech in his room last night.

Lisa Turtle:
You were in his room? Urgh, didn't the bats bother you?

Kelly Kapowski:
That is just a rumor. None of his creatures can fly. You know, Lisa, you really oughta give Screech a chance.

Lisa Turtle:
I'd rather give Chickenpox a chance.

Kelly Kapowski:
Hey, I'm telling you, Screech can be really charming.

Jessie Spano:
He *definitely* did something to her brain.

Kelly Kapowski:
He did. I'm seeing Screech in a completely different way.

Lisa Turtle:
The best way is blindfolded.

Zack:
Well, looks like we're going to the concert together.

A.C. Slater:
I'm not going on a date with you.

Zack:
Well, then give me your ticket.

A.C. Slater:
No, give me yours.

Zack:
Well, these *are* front row seats.

A.C. Slater:
[Smiling at each other] Pick you up at 7?

Zack:
If you get me home by 10.

Penny Belding:
Zack is so hot, he makes my teeth sweat!

Zack:
Jessie, don't be ridiculous, there are a lot of guys who are taller than you.

Jessie:
Oh really? Name one

Zack:
Karim Abdul-Jabbar?

Stacey Carosi:
Look, I promise to take this up with my father as soon as he gets back.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
Oh, you promise. Why should any oppressed people have faith in the promise of a heartless ruling class?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, Jessie, come off it!

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
Oh, Zack, you wouldn't understand. You live in a world of privilege.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Yeah, and you live next door to me!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Alright, who knows how to make what?

Kelly Kapowski:
I make scrambled eggs.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
I can make hotdogs.

Lisa Turtle:
All I can make are reservations.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
How do you make a Bavarian chocolate cream cake?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
With Bavarian chocolate! Duh!

Jessie:
[after Screech's fake "unveiling"] He really is an alien!

Lisa:
This explains *so* much!

Zack Morris:
Cue the hideous creature!

Mr. Belding:
[Mr. Belding appears at the door] Hi, guys!

Zack Morris:
Cut! Wrong hideous creature.

Zack:
[Directing Jessie for the student film] Alright. Now, Jessie, you're the History teacher. Now, the alien creature will come through that door and suck out your brain.

Jessie:
Zack, why can't he suck out your brain?

Slater:
Because someone already did.

Kelly:
Hey, guys. The truth: how do I look?

Lisa:
Full of cheer!

Kelly:
I'm serious. I wanna be Queen.

Lisa:
Well, we'll let you know if anything happens to Princess Di.

Kelly:
I'm talking about Homecoming Queen.

Jessie:
Come on, you're a shoo-in. Guys bribe teachers just to sit beside you in class.

Kelly:
What if they find out I wear a retainer at night?

Lisa:
[Loudly] How is *anyone* gonna find out you wear a retainer?

Nerd:
Wanna join our retainer club?

Screech:
Zack, quick, you've gotta help me. My worst nightmare has come true.

Zack:
You found out Alf was a puppet?

Screech:
He is?

Kelly:
It may look like a freckle now, but by the end of the day, I'll look like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Jessie:
Fine. Then you lead the way.

Zack:
Hey, Mr. Belding. What brings you to study hall?

Mr. Belding:
Don't get cocky, Morris. I've got my eye on you.

Zack:
Sorry, sir. You're not my type.

Kelly:
[talking about Slater's dancing] Wow Slater that was hot!

Zack:
Ha ha. Are you kidding? I moved better last summer when a bee flew in my shorts.

Kelly:
What happened to you?

Lisa:
I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.

Jessie:
Why?

Lisa:
I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.

Mr. Richard Belding:
I can twist and sing!

Casey Kasem:
Let go of the microphone.

Jessie:
[Jessie, Kelly and Lisa are in the girls' locker room with some other girls] Now, about this date auction, if any one of you sweeties dare bid on my Slater, I'll hunt you down in the streets like a rabid dog.

[Slams locker door shut]

Jessie:
Thank you. Have a nice day.

[Other girls leave]

Kelly:
[Chuckles] Come on, Jessie, lighten up. This date auction's for a good cause.

Lisa:
Besides, the guys wanna do it. So it's not sexist, it's sexy.

Jessie:
You both make interesting points. Really. Fascinating. But if either of you bid on Slater, you're dead. You got me?

[Slams locker door shut and leaves]

Lisa:
Who put sandpaper on her toilet seat?

Ken Kelly:
Listeners, if you're caller number 10 when you c-call in, a trip to hawaii is whatcha, watcha, watcha you're gonna to w-win. Now check out this tune while I sample a delicious m-m-max burger. [plays music]

Ken Kelly's Assistant:
Are you sure you wanna risk a Burger in this place?

Ken Kelly:
Never! Go across the street and Get me some Sushi.

Screech:
My Dad let me back the car out of the garage once. Then he got mad at me.

Mr. Tuttle:
Well, Screech, your father was probably nervous.

Screech:
Well, he had a right to be. I forgot to open the garage door.

Lisa:
I hope he has dork insurance.

Mr. Belding:
Morning, Morris.

Zack:
[Still thinking about Kelly] Morning, my love. [Both exchange uncomfortable looks]

Mr. Tuttle:
[Teaching Driver's Ed class] Now, Jessie, what's the speed limit on most freeways? You know this one, you know this one, you know this one.

Jessie:
55 miles per hour.

Mr. Tuttle:
Excellent! I wish you were my child. Now, can you pass someone over a double yellow line? Kelly.

Kelly:
No, you can't.

Mr. Tuttle:
This is why I went into teaching! Okay, Lisa, listen up. Why do you put your left arm straight out the window?

Lisa:
That's easy: to dry your nails.

Mr. Tuttle:
[Teaching Driver's Ed class] Zack, what is the correct driving position?

Zack:
Well, sir, for me, it's one hand on the wheel, and one arm around Kelly.

Kelly:
Zack!

Slater:
Mr. Tuttle, sir, the correct driving position is the left hand at ten o'clock and the right hand at two o'clock. That way, you'll have full control of your car.

Mr. Tuttle:
Mr. Slater, my brain salutes you!

Zack:
[to Slater] Teacher's pet.

Mr. Tuttle:
But you're the one who belongs on a leash, Morris.

Mr. Tuttle:
Miss Turtle, what's the first thing we do when we get behind the wheel?

Lisa:
Adjust the mirrors.

Mr. Tuttle:
Correct! And for what purpose?

Lisa:
To check my make-up.

Mr. Tuttle:
Miss Turtle, I suggest you either study harder, or start practicing how to say: "Taxi!"

Male Student #1:
Hi, Kelly.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[Lifts Kelly's hand and shows ring] Hey, see the ring?

Male Student #2:
Hi, Kelly.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[Lifts Kelly's hand and shows ring] *See* the *ring*?

Kelly Kapowski:
Zack, we are not going steady. This is just a friendship ring.

Female Student:
Hi, Zackie.

Kelly Kapowski:
[Lifts her hand and shows ring] *See* the *ring*?

Zack:
Why's everybody so down?

Jessie Spano:
None of us have enough money for a car.

Zack:
Well, I'm gonna drive my father's Porsche when I turn 16.

Lisa:
Ha! Slip into your PJs, baby, 'cause you're dreamin'.

Slater:
Hey, guys, I've got some great news!

Zack:
Your last baby tooth fell out!

Slater:
No, I just bought a car!

[Zacks spits out his drink in horror]

Kelly:
Can we see it?

Slater:
Well, sure, come on over to the house.

[the others gather their things and leave]

Zack:
You know, Slater, if I hadn't gotten that ring for Kelly, I could've bought a car.

Slater:
Batteries or wind up?

Zack:
[Talking about Slater's new car] You can open a juice stand with this old lemon.

Slater:
Hey, listen, Preppie, this baby's gonna look great after I give it a little facelift.

Zack:
Oh, gimme a break, the doctors who worked on Michael Jackson couldn't help this old heap.

Screech:
Well, Slater, your Malibu Classic, my Valiant. We know what kind of wheels chicks dig.

Jessie:
Excuse me, little man, but we are not "chicks".

Slater:
She's right, Screech. Listen to the babe.

Jessie:
I'm not a "babe".

Slater:
And I respect that, Sugar Lips.

Slater:
[Entering garage] I just couldn't believe it when I saw it on the lot. It's exactly the car I wanted. [Turns lights on, revealing old, beaten up car] Well? What do you think?

Lisa:
Uh, it's, uh... nice. Really nice... really. [Turns to Jessie]

Jessie:
Yeah... it's, it's, uh... all Lisa said. Gosh, it's got a licence play holder too. [Licence plate holder falls off]

Zack:
Slater, I think I'm gonna flunk Driver's Ed. Can you give me a private lesson after school?

Slater:
No way.

Zack:
Twenty bucks?

Slater:
Four o'clock okay?

Zack:
See you then.

Jessie:
Slater, why don't you be a man and confess?

Slater:
Jessie, why don't you be a woman and cook?

Slater:
We were gonna confess, and Zack was behind it the whole time.

Kelly:
Yeah, he should be the one to confess.

Lisa:
Fat chance. You'd have an easier time trying to get that thing off Gorbachev's head.

Lisa:
[Waiting for Mr. Belding to arrive] I'm so nervous my make-up is cracking.

Kelly:
Why are you nervous? You didn't do anything.

Lisa:
Oh, yeah, right!

Mr. Belding:
Zack, you flunk Driver's Ed. You'll make it up next year. Now pack up your stuff and let's go.

Mr. Belding:
[Turns to Mr. Tuttle] And that, Mr. Tuttle, is how you principal. [Leaves the room]

Mr. Tuttle:
[Imitating Belding] "And that, Mr. Tuttle, is how you principal."

Becky Belding:
Richard, uh, I think I'm gonna need something to settle my stomach. Would you order me a ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?

Screech:
Gosh, that's my favorite combination too!

Lisa:
Well, Screech, maybe *you're* pregnant.

Screech:
Oh, Lisa, don't be ridiculous. I'm not even married!

[Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]

Slater:
[smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?

Zack:
Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".

Screech:
Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.

Slater:
YOU'RE bats, screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.

Zack:
That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.

Screech:
Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.

Mrs. Melanie Morris:
[after getting off the phone with Danielle, suspiciously] Sleeping at Slater's, huh?

Kelly Kapowski:
[after catching Jeff with another girl] Why, Jeff? I broke up with a great guy for you!

Jeffrey Hunter:
You're very special to me. It's just that I'm not ready for a commitment right now. I'm sorry.

Kelly Kapowski:
Yeah? Well, I'm sorry I fell for a dishonest JERK like you! Goodbye!

Mr. Richard Belding:
[slide show] Notice the use of shadow and light.

[Zack, Slater, and Screech are shown dozing off due to taying up late]

Mr. Richard Belding:
[notices this] I said notice the use of SHADOW AND LIGHT!

Zack:
[they wake up] Yes! Shamu has an overbite.

Slater:
She's a whale of a woman, sir.

Mr. Belding:
Zack, calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.

Zack:
Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.

Mr. Belding:
Kelly Kapowski?

Zack:
Yes.

Mr. Belding:
Excuse me for a minute.

[turns head to laugh]

Mr. Belding:
[still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?

Zack:
Mr. Belding... quick, you gotta help me. My life is being threatened by one of your students.

Mr. Belding:
Just one? You're losing your touch.

Zack:
Alright. Look, I've got nothing against Rhonda Robistelli. But I do have this policy against dating anyone who holds the school shotput record.

Jessie:
Can you believe that Tony Kramer tried to make out with me in the middle of Working Girl?

Lisa:
What's wrong with that?

Jessie:
I didn't go with him. I went with Billy Bostwick. Tony was sitting right behind us, and what a jerk. He left his retainer in my hair!

Screech:
[Dressed as Michael Jackson, in a high voice] I'm not like other boys.

Lisa:
You're not like anything on this planet, you dork!

Lisa:
Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.

Jessie:
Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.

Slater:
You sound like a commercial for oat bran.

Lisa:
What's wrong, Kelly?

Kelly:
Men! Especially Zack Morris!

Slater:
Hey. Don't judge us by our worst specimen.

Jessie:
I need an honest answer. How do I look in these frames?

[Puts on glasses]

Lisa:
Ridiculous! You're lucky you don't have to wear 'em.

Kelly:
Well I don't think they're that bad.

Jessie:
Thanks, Kelly.

Screech:
Hey, nice glasses, Jessie!

Jessie:
Oh, do you really like them?

Screech:
Yeah, all my grandmother's friends wear the same kind!

Zack:
[Practicing greeting Jennifer in the mirror] Hi, Jennifer. Hello there, Jennifer. Yo, Jen babe!

Jessie:
Look, Kelly is really upset. You asked her to go steady and now you're backing off. What's up?

Zack:
Look, Jessie, I can't tell you.

Jessie:
Zack, we've been friends since the first grade. You can trust me.

Zack:
Well, alright. Do you promise not to tell any of the guys?

Jessie:
I promise. Tell me.

Zack:
I'm in love with the new school nurse.

Jessie:
You pig. How is Kelly gonna feel when you dump her for some flu shot floozy?

Kelly:
[after Jessie storms off in a fit, a group of students are looking at her] She's my friend... but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her.

Slater:
What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close.

Zack:
Slater, face it. It's over.

Lisa:
[Kelly and Lisa have just put the song "I'm So Excited" on the jukebox] Hey, Jessie, listen. "I'm So Excited". [Lisa points to the jukebox playing the song]

Screech:
I know you're excited, but try to forget about me.

Lisa:
I'll pray for help

Zack:
[Kelly, Lisa and Jessie just sang a song and the guys were impressed] Hey, a friend of my dad is a record producer, and he's looking for a girls' group like New Kids on the Block.

Slater:
Yeah, the "New Chicks on the Block."

Jessie:
Thank you, "New Pig in the Booth."

Lisa:
[to Screech] Why not go to the boys' room and flush yourself to China?

Mr. Dewey:
[to class] Study hard. I'm off to my tryouts for "American Gladiators."

Screech:
Oh, no. Do I have to wear your Aunt Helen's bra again?

Jessie:
I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so, I'm so... scared!

Jessie:
Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?

Zack:
So why are you drinking it?

Screech:
What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?

Zack:
Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.

Screech:
No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

Zack:
This week is our Geometry midterm. Hey, I'm not worried, I always sit next to smart nerds.

Kelly:
[Screech sneaks into the girl's locker room disguised as an Irish cleaning lady] Who are you?

Screech:
Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.

Kelly:
That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?

Screech:
Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.

Lisa:
You taught her everything she knows?

Screech:
Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.

[Zack admits to have gone into the ladies locker room]

Jessie:
You violated our privacy? That is wrong, isn't it, Slater?

Slater:
Uhhh... yeah, Preppie, you out to be ashamed of yourself. I'm disgusted.

[whispers in Zack's ear, disappointed]

Slater:
Next time, bring *Me*!

Slater:
[talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.

Jessie:
Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

Mr. Dewey:
[telling grades for a quiz] Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.

Jessie:
C, C?

Mr. Dewey:
Si, senorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.

Jessie:
[goes crazy and sings] I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...

[cries in Zack's arms]

Jessie:
...scared!

Slater:
[Jessie is taking caffeine pills] Those pills are dangerous.

Jessie:
Yeah, well, so's geometry!

Zack:
I love school. Too bad classes get in the way.

Mr. Dewey:
I don't believe it and I don't care. I'm tired, I have a toothache, and I have to go home and pump iron.

Mr. Belding:
[while putting on buttoned sweater] I'm taking a different approach with you, Zack.

Zack:
[Observes Belding's sweater] You're gonna be Mr. Rogers?

Mr. Belding:
You're in the neighborhood.

Lisa:
[about The Max] It sure beats eating in the school cafeteria.

Jessie:
Yeah. It's nice to see a hamburger you don't have to comb.

Zack:
[Holding the bone he pretended Screech was choking on] I got it! The bone flew out.

Kelly Kapowski:
[to Screech] What'd you have for lunch? A coyote?

Mrs. Simpson:
[Mrs. Simpson has terrible hearing] Does anyone know how Romeo died?

Zack:
Yes! He took your class.

Mrs. Simpson:
Right! Poison in a glass.

Mrs. Simpson:
[Zack accidentally knocks his book off the desk] Young man, you have just dropped the works of Shakespeare on the floor. That lack of respect will not be tolerated in my class. Get thee to Belding!

Zack:
Yes, Miss Simpson. I goeth. [Leaves the room]

Mrs. Simpson:
I don't like that boy.

Jessie:
[Mr. Belding has just announced that the school will hold a beauty pageant] A beauty pageant? What a stupid, sexist waste of time!

Slater:
Not if you're in a teeny bikini, Mama!

Zack:
[Lisa has just refused Zack's support for her for the Miss Bayside pageant] Yeah, well, I tell you, she's going to regret refusing my offer.

Slater:
Oh come on, Preppie. You know as much about beauty pageants as I know about wearing pantyhose.

Screech:
Hey, Zack, wanna see me drink a milkshake through my nose?

Zack:
Screech, I have something very important to tell you.

Screech:
Alf flew back to Melmac?

Slater:
[Talking to Zack] Just wait till you hear Kelly sing; She's got a voice like a bird. Watch.

Kelly:
[singing, off-key] Blue Moon, You saw me standing alone, Without a dream in my heart... Without a love of my... [falters]... own.

Slater:
I didn't say *what* bird.

[the girls find out that Zack has used their pictures in the "Girls of Bayside" calendar]

Jessie:
You didn't have the right!

Kelly:
You didn't get permission!

Lisa:
You didn't get my good side!

[Mr. Belding looks at December in the calendar and sees his picture]

Mr. Richard Belding:
[shouts] MORRIS!

[Lisa, Kelly, and Jessie look at the calendars]

Kelly:
Lisa, you're October. I'm November?

Lisa:
Well, who's December?

Kelly:
[gasps] Mr. Belding is December?

[Mr. Belding's face is shown on a girl's body]

Zack:
Ho, ho, ho!

Screech:
Well, there's only 11 girls on the swim team, so we had to put Belding's head on one of the girls' bodies.

Jessie:
That is MY body!

Slater:
Ugh, I'm gonna dream about *Belding* tonight.

Jessie:
Excuse me. but the true beauty of woman cannot be captured with a camera.

Adam Trask:
Well, these photos'll be seen all over the world.

Jessie:
[changing her mind] Although, I'm told they're doing incredible things with cameras these days!

Mr. Richard Belding:
[laughing at Zack's suggestion to take over the Student store] You in charge of the student store? Why don't you just bump me off? At least it'll be quicker.

Zack:
That's ridiculous, sir. I can't afford a hitman on *my* allowance!

Kelly:
Maybe he's giving us all raises.

Jessie:
Kelly, are you taking stupid vitamins again? We're lucky he pays us in American money.

Slater:
Wow, a KLF300 B3, oh, with a two belt, four stroke engine and an automatic clutch.

[Jessie hits him]

Slater:
Hey, what's that for?

Jessie:
I'm not sure. But it *sounds* sexist!

Jessie:
[On the phone] I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnson, we do not give refunds for cloudy days.

Kelly:
[the girls go to answer the door late at night and Jessie holds a baseball bat] Jessie, put the bat down.

Jessie:
No, if that's a robber, this bat's gonna scare him away.

Lisa:
You're not gonna need the bat, honey, just nag him to death like you do everyone else!

Lisa:
Yup, this is gonna be a *long* night.

Kelly:
Yeah, somebody better put the coffee on!

Lisa:
Does anybody know how to do that?

Leon Carosi:
Alright, Staff. I'm going to be away all day on business. Stacey will be in charge in my absence. I expect you to show her the same respect you show me.

Screech:
Why? We like Stacey! [is elbowed by Zack and Slater]

Screech:
Lisa, don't drink that!

[Lisa spits out her water]

Screech:
It might be poison!

Lisa:
You're right, *You* drink it!

[hands glass to Screech]

Screech:
[sips] Hm. Tastes fine to me; I'll live!

Lisa, Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly:
Darn!

Brandon Tartikoff:
You know, maybe there's something here. Maybe at NBC, we should do a sitcom about a school principal and his kids?

Mr. Richard Belding:
Really?

Brandon Tartikoff:
Nah. It'll never work.

Screech:
Wow, my first Hollywood party. I wonder if the Simpsons are gonna be there?

Kelly:
[the "Don't Do Drugs" commercial] Dumb.

Slater:
Stupid.

Lisa:
Crazy.

Jessie:
Dangerous.

Screech:
Stinks.

Zack:
In one word, would I use dope? Nope.

Brandon Tartikoff:
These kids are right. Drugs will your hurt your mind, your body and your life. Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff, chairman of NBC Entertainment, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: don't do drugs.

Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, Screech, Zack:
There's no hope with dope!

[about to get on a ferry cannal boat]

Screech:
Lisa, you by any chance have seasick pills on you?

Lisa:
Oh, you ninny, it's only three feet of water!

Screech:
So what? I get seasick in the bathtub!

Lisa:
Girl, if I were Leslie I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.

Marvin Nedick:
[to Slater] To me, you look like a chicken. [Imitates chicken]

Jessie:
Let me tell you something, Bubba. It takes a stronger man not to fight, so why don't you go back into the mist with the other gorillas?

Mr. Belding:
Gambling is a no-no, and I am sure you know what that means.

Zack:
Uh-huh. An all expense paid trip to detention, here at lovely Bayside. [Turns to face camera] The detention capital of the world.

Screech:
[to Zack's pet duck] So long, Becky. And remember... [makes quack sounds, then turns to Zack] I heard Donald say that to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Zack:
And you're screwy.

Screech:
[after Zack's duck Becky is caught in the oil spill] Don't worry, Zack, she's where the oil can't hurt her now.

Zack:
He's absolutely right, we're not just taking something away, we're putting something back. Jessie.

Jessie:
Because of your oil spills yesterday, we put 20 dead animals back in the ground.

Mr. Phelps:
Well we are sorry about that but it *was* an accident.

Lisa:
Yeah but can you guarantee it won't happen again?

Mr. Belding:
My hands are tied, what can I do?

Screech:
What can YOU do? You're the principal! Aren't you man enough to scare anyone around here besides the kids?

Mr. Belding:
Alright, let's make this quick. I have a school to run.

Zack:
Well, Mr. Belding, I think you're of one the best, no, *the* best Principal in the history of principalisms. Does everybody agree?

Jessie, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, Screech:
Oh, yeah!

Mr. Belding:
Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Zack:
[to the audience] Everybody's excited about the class ski trip. Unfortunately, we don't have any money. Now if I don't come up with something quick, I'm gonna have to sell my parents' house again.

Slater:
Hey, I see you're ready for the trip.

Zack:
What are you talking about?

Slater:
Well, you got your ski poles. Oh, I'm sorry, those are your legs!

Kelly:
Guys, we have got a real problem. How are we gonna pay for the ski trip?

Lisa:
Well, I make money the old fashioned way: I pout until Daddy gives it to me.

Screech:
Hey, guys, I got a great idea how to make money for the ski trip. I'll sell my body to science.

Lisa:
You'd have to pay 'em to tow it away.

James:
[In French accent] Would you like to hear tonight's specials? To begin with, we have ze French onion soup,

[in Indian accent]

James:
followed by an Indian curry: is very good, very, very good indeed!

[In German accent]

James:
Und for dessert, ve have a German chocolate cake. You vill eat it, you vill like it, zere is no choice!

Slater:
[Slater is fixing one of the carnival games, sitting above a tank of water and Jessie picks up the balls used to throw at the target ] Very tempting.

Jessie:
Ha, don't even think about it. Of course, you're a girl, so it's not like you could hit it anyway. [She throws and misses]

Slater:
You know what I like about you, Jessie? You throw just like a girl. Hey, why don't you just hire a man to do it?

Jessie:
[She throws again, hits the target and Slater falls in the water; he resurfaces and Jessie smiles] I hope pigs can swim.

Screech:
[Creating a diversion] Wait!

Mr. Belding:
Not now, Screech, I'm late for an appointment.

Screech:
Mr. Belding, come quick. Someone poisoned the chess team!

Mr. Belding:
It's a sick world.

Derek Morris:
What about that, that, uh, big fishing trip we took, huh? When you, uh, fell right in the lake.

Zack:
I didn't fall in! I jumped in after my retainer fell out.

[Both laugh]

Derek Morris:
Yeah, somewhere, there's a catfish swimmin' around with perfect teeth.

Screech:
[Screech enters with a girl in a cheerleading uniform] Hello, my friends. I've found the meaning of life. Her name's Linda.

Linda:
Yay, Linda!

Screech:
How are you, Slater?

Slater:
Okay.

Linda:
Okay, yay! S-L-A-T-E-R, yay, Slater!

Lisa:
If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.

Linda:
B-Y-E, bye!

Slater:
[Lisa enters Slater's hospital room angrily] Whoa, whoa, wait, don't hurt me, Lisa. I just saw you on U.S. Gladiators. Gee, you beat up everybody, including the audience.

Lisa:
Yeah. Nobody messes with Lethal Lisa.

Screech:
[Zack just won the track meet] Zack, I haven't seen you run that fast since the time you stole Cindy Zefferelli's bathing suit.

Jessie:
Lisa, you were great in the 100-yard dash.

Lisa:
Oh, thanks, but I owe my victory to Screech.

Screech:
You do?

Lisa:
Oh yes, I pretended you were chasing me.

Slater:
[Everyone is talking about their ancestors] My great-grandfather was brave too. He was a bullfighter.

Zack:
That's cool.

Jessie:
Nah, bullfighting is barbaric.

Slater:
No it isn't, bullfighting's a sport.

Jessie:
It would only be a sport if the bull has a sword, too.

Jessie:
Zack, what about your ancestors?

Zack:
My ancestors? Adam and Eve.

Screech:
I didn't know Adam and Eve's last name was Morris.

Zack:
[Zack and Screech are looking at a picture of an Indian Zack found in his room] You know, I remember my mom telling me stories about a distant Indian relative.

Screech:
Oh, my mom tells me stories about four-eyed monsters hiding in my closet. She should see a doctor, Zack. They're not there.

Zack:
[Looking at a picture of an Indian] You know, I bet this Indian could be my ancestor. It's perfect for my family tree presentation. Hey, and you can help me be an Indian.

Screech:
How?

Zack:
That's a good start!

Zack:
Chief Henry?

Chief Henry:
Yeah.

Zack:
Hi I'm Zack Morris from Miss Wentworth's class.

Chief Henry:
Oh, the kid who thinks he's part Indian. With that blond hair, you must be from some Malibu surfing tribe.

Zack:
Why couldn't the white men have got along with the Indians?

Chief Henry:
Why can't Arabs get along with Israelis? And why can't I get along with my ex-wife?

James, the Actor:
[while pretending to be a Harvard representive] Ha! A single test, one lucky morning. You think Hhaarrvard is impressed with that academic slice of bologna? No! Were looking for a straight A student,the student council president, the year book editor, and here at Bay dock... view... SIDE! You have a student all rolled into one Jessica Spano the find of the century.

Elliot Stingwell:
[Mr. Belding has sat on a prank buzzer] My, my Richard! Noisy panties! What are you wearing, Toot of the Looms?

Zack:
[Talking about bringing back the school's old radio station with Mr. Belding] Sir, we'd like to put KKTY back on the air.

Mr. Belding:
What?

Screech:
[slowly] We... would... like... to...

Mr. Belding:
I heard you!

Lisa:
[Talking about Slater's sports broadcast on the radio] Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?

Jessie:
How can we without hurting his feelings?

Screech:
Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?

Screech:
You know, Screech, for once you have a good idea?

Kelly:
We can't do that. This is Slater's dream.

Jessie:
You know, maybe we're being overcritical because we expected him to be better.

Lisa:
I hope you're right.

Kelly:
I bet the average listener thinks he's just fine.

[Spots three guys walking past the table]

Kelly:
Excuse me, what do you guys think of Tiger Radio?

Student #1:
Radical!

Student #2:
Really cool!

Student #3:
The best, man!

Zack:
And, uh, what do you think of our sports reporter, A.C. Slater?

Student #1:
Awful!

Student #2:
The worst!

Student #3:
Someone should wave a skunk in front of him.

Screech:
[Looking self satisfied] See?

Zack:
[Screech brings Zack to the old radio station in the basement of the school] Hey, Screech, I thought I knew every hiding place in this school. How'd you find it?

Screech:
Oh, a bully dumped me down the garbage chute. Someday I'm gonna get even with that girl.

Zack:
Wow! Look at these posters. Hey, we got the Rolling Stones. Hey, Jimi Hendrix.

Screech:
Hey, who are the three guys with Paul McCartney?

Zack:
That's the Beatles, you idiot.

Screech:
Paul never would've made it if he would've stuck with those wimps.

1960s Principal:
[During flashback in which Mr. Belding is a student] Richard Belding, this is the Principal. Report to my office immediately.

Mr. Belding:
Man, what does that jerk want now?

Jessie:
You were the Big Bopper?

Mr. Belding:
I was the Master Blaster. The Boss.

Lisa:
I thought Springsteen was the Boss.

Mr. Belding:
Nah, he stole it from me.

Kelly:
Wow, I haven't seen Max that depressed since the time he made his dog disappear and forgot how to bring Fluffy back.

Zack:
I know. I wonder whatever happened to that dog?

Screech:
[All except Screech stop and look at their hamburgers in disgust, Screech bites into his] What?

Zack:
Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood morning, Bayside! Hey, and all you kids cuttin' school in the Palisades and at the beach, this is Wolfman Zack. [Points to Screech, who then howls like a wolf] Hey, it's Bayside's freshest, hottest, hippest new station, KKTY-FM, Tiger Radio! [Points to Screech, who then roars like a tiger]

Jessie:
[Cuts to Jessie's segment] Bad food hits Bayside, students hit bathrooms. This is Jessie Spano for KKTY News. I caught up with Mr. Belding running out of the cafeteria today, and he assured me that green meat would no longer be served.

Lisa:
[Cuts to Lisa's segment] Hi, this is Lisa, your Galloping Gossip, with everyone you wanna know that's none of your business. Flash! Debbie DeMarco's new curves came with Debbie's new sweater.

Kelly Kapowski:
[Cuts to Kelly's segment] Hello, this is Kelly Desire. It's evening, the candles are lit, and you're with the one you love. All that's missing is that special romantic song. [Points to Screech, who puts on a rock 'n' roll record, she grimaces]

Screech:
[Cuts to Screech's segment; he speaks with a strange accent] Thunder and lightning raged outside the old Victorian house. There was a scream... [Screams] Evelyn's heart pounded... [Imitates heart beat by hitting his chest] as she slowly opened the bedroom door. [Imitates creaking door] She saw an axe, and recognised the face of...

Zack:
[Stops background music] Well, that's all the time we have today. Tune in tomorrow for another excitement installment of...

Screech:
Screech's Mystery Theater!

Zack:
And now, look alive, sports fans, 'cause on deck it's Tiger Radio's sportiest reporter, A.C. Slater!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[In a stilted monotone] Hey. Thanks, Wolfman. Okay. First things first. Let's check out the old scoreboard, huh? I mean, hey, ha, gimme a break, it's not *that* old, right? [Honks horn, Kelly jumps] Anyway. In local, uh, high school action, it was - it was, Bayside 5, Valley 4. I guess that means we won, right Math majors? [Honks horn again]

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[a while later, the rest of the gang are all clearly bored and tired] This *is* A.C. Slater. And just remember, fans, in the airport of life, sports is just the baggage. Think about it. [Honks horn, Zack puts music on] Right. So what do you think?

Zack:
[All exchange glances] Uh... we're thinkin' about it.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
See, Preppie. I told you I was good. [Leaves]

Zack:
Hey, guys, I think I know what'd help Slater.

Jessie, Lisa, Kelly Kapowski:
What?

Zack:
A muzzle.

Zack:
Now, that's it. We've gotta get rid of Slater.

Jessie:
Why do we have to get rid of him?

Kelly:
Yeah, why don't we help him?

Zack:
Hey, good idea. We'll staple his lips.

Jessie:
Zack, Zack. I was researching a news story, and I found out that the Bayside School District owns The Max.

Zack:
You're kidding?

Jessie:
No. And if Max doesn't come up with $10,000 in back rent by next week, our favorite hangout will be turned into a parking lot.

Mr. Belding:
[about their broadcast denouncing the Bayside School Board] You guys are irresponsible!

Jessie:
We have an obligation to report the truth.

Mr. Belding:
Truth? You and Pinocchio Morris?

Jessie:
[Lisa and Kelly appear with several copies of the school paper] The school paper just reviewed us!

Lisa:
What did they say?

Kelly Kapowski:
I dunno, I'm too nervous to look. What if he didn't like my outfit?

Lisa:
Lisa, we're on the radio, remember? He can't see us.

Zack:
[Each take a paper] Hey, look at this: [Reading aloud] "Tiger Radio really cooks when Wolfman Zack is on the prowl." Hey.

Lisa:
[Reading aloud] "Jessie Spano has a nose for news. And I smell a winner."

Jessie:
[Reading aloud] "Kelly Desire's voice could heat your jacuzzi. The girl is H-O-T."

Kelly Kapowski:
[Reading aloud] "Lisa's Galloping Gossip is off to a fast start. She's funny, charming, and a great dresser." [Looks at Jessie] See?

Zack:
This guy really liked us.

Jessie:
Uh, most of us. [Reading aloud] "A.C. Slater stinks."

Lisa:
[Reading aloud] "Someone should wave a skunk in front of him"?

Kelly Kapowski:
Poor Slater.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[Slater appears] Hey, guys! What's up? [the others move toward the lockers and stand with their backs to them, hiding the papers] What are you doing?

Kelly Kapowski, Zack:
Uh...

Kelly Kapowski:
We're scratching our backs!

Zack:
Yeah, you know, there's an itch going through the school.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
What?

Screech:
Hey, guys! The station just got reviewed! [Zack groans]

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Oh, really? What'd he say about me?

Screech:
You stink!

Jessie:
Zack, Zack! I found what you're looking for.

Zack:
Oh. A peephole in the girls' locker room?

Jessie:
No.

Zack:
Urgh.

Jessie:
I found what Belding was hiding. Look what's in this old school newspaper from 1968.

Zack:
[Reading headline aloud] "D.J. Belding Moons School Board? Picture on page three *and* four? Let's see this. [Turns page] Whoa, now that's a side of him I've never seen.

Screech:
[the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before the final performance] There you are, you butchers! You've totally changed my song!

Lisa:
No, we didn't, Screech. It's still about Bayside.

Slater:
Yeah, and we used most of the words you did. "The", "and", "it". "Bayside".

Screech:
Oh. Well in that case, it's okay then.

Mr. Belding:
Go to class, learn something!

Zack Morris:
So where's Screech?

Kevin the Robot:
He's in the bathroom. Shaving.

Zack Morris:
Come on. What's he shaving? His cat?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Where's the aftershave lotion, Kevin?

Kevin the Robot:
We don't have any. You're not using a blade yet.

Lisa Turtle:
I'm trying out for the drama festival. Do you believe me as a Southern belle?

A.C. Slater:
No, but I believe you as a northern ding-dong.

Jessie Spano:
We're all trying out for the drama festival. I'm auditioning as Joan of Arc.

A.C. Slater:
Hey, doesn't she die in that play?

Jessie Spano:
Yes.

A.C. Slater:
Go for it.

Zack Morris:
Wait. I've got it. This is genius. Today, we'll give Screech a surprise party.

A.C. Slater:
But his birthday was yesterday.

Lisa Turtle:
That's the surprise.

Zack Morris:
Now this will make Bayside history. It won't be just any surprise party. It'll be the most daring birthday party ever!

Kelly Kapowski:
Sounds exciting.

Jessie Spano:
Wait, I don't know about this. It sounds dangerous. I'm getting nervous!

A.C. Slater:
Will someone shoot her with a tranquilizer dart?

Lisa Turtle:
[Pretending to bicker] Oh, you guys don't stand a chance. I'm gonna win that drama festival.

Jessie Spano:
Oh, no way! My Joan of Arc will light up the stage!

Kelly Kapowski:
Only if they burn you at the stake!

Kelly:
[to Jessie and Zack, who is dressed as "Bambi"] I'm going to the girls' room. You wanna come?

Zack:
Oh, why not? Sounds like fun!

Jessie:
Freeze!

Kelly Kapowski:
Jessie, I thought you were gonna picket the oil company.

Jessie Spano:
Urgh, we never got there. We ran out of gas. Mom *refused* to fill up out of principle.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hey, Lisa. Have you seen Slater? He's supposed to be back today.

Lisa Turtle:
[Looking at the box Artie is in] No! And get that thing away from me. The only time I come this close to lizard skin is when Anne Klein puts a bucket on it.

Kelly Kapowski:
[Looking at Artie] Aww, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps.

Lisa Turtle:
Oh, please. You're going gaga over something that burps bugs.

Jessie Spano:
I think he looks a little pale.

Kelly Kapowski:
Maybe he's sick.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Why would he be sick? Hey, Screech, come here. Take a peek at Artie. Does he look any different to you?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
No.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
See?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Except for the fact that he's dead.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[raps] Yo, I'm the prince and I'm a handsome sight. Who's this I see? Is it Miss Snow White? Her lips I can reach, so I'm glad to get you up.

Lisa Turtle:
If I have to kiss Screech, I think I'm gonna throw up!

[Lisa runs off in disgust]

Kelly Kapowski:
Mirror, mirror from the mall, who's the awesomest of them all? If you say Jessie, I'll brain you!

Lisa Turtle:
Uh, I pass! Next question, please!

Jessie:
Zack, that's not fair. Don't make us choose between you and Kelly.

Slater:
Yeah, you're way out of line.

Zack:
Oh, and she wasn't way out of line when she smacked me?

Lisa:
Honey, if I were Kelly, you'd still be pullin' a hairbrush out your ear, now don't get me started! [Snaps fingers]

Slater:
Hey, Preppie, how's it going?

Lisa:
Yeah, are you okay?

Jessie:
He'll be fine. Just leave him alone.

Zack:
What's the big deal? Am I supposed to be upset about something?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Well, yeah, I mean, after Kelly dumped you the other night, I'm surprised you even got outta bed!

Lisa:
Maybe you'll meet somebody at my sweet sixteen party. Now, remember you guys, it's this Saturday. Only five shopping days left.

Zack:
It sounds excellent.

Lisa:
Well, here's your invitation. [Hands one to Zack] And yours. [Hands one to Jessie] And yours. [Hands one to Slater, ignoring Screech]

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Well don't I get one?

Lisa:
[pauses] Well, okay, but if you have a previous engagement, I understand. In fact, I'll pay for it!

Slater:
You know, Zack, like my Uncle Charlie used to say: "Women are like vines. If you fall off one, hey, you can swing with another."

Jessie:
You know, you're not just a pig, you are a gorilla-pig.

Lisa:
Hey, Kelly!

Kelly Kapowski:
Hey!

Lisa:
Here's an invitation to my party.

Kelly Kapowski:
Thanks.

Lisa:
And here's a list of all my favorite stores in the mall.

Miss Simpson:
[Miss Simpson is extremely hard of hearing] Good morning, class.

Jessie, Slater, Zack, Kelly Kapowski, Lisa, Samuel 'Screech' Powers, Rest of Class:
Good morning, Miss Simpson.

Miss Simpson:
I said, "Good morning, class." Didn't your parents teach you any manners?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Uh, Miss Simpson, I have a doctor's appointment today. May I leave class early?

Miss Simpson:
Yes, your hair is curly. Now, let's get started. Today, we turn to the romantic poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning. So, let's have Bayside's most loved couple recite a poem for us. Zack and Kelly, if you please.

Jessie:
No! No, n-I, well, I mean, let's me and Slater read it instead.

Miss Simpson:
Oh, Miss Spano, don't be such a ham.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[the guys are in the cinema, watching a movie; Screech notices Kelly and Jeff enter and sit in the back row] Pssst, Slater!

Slater:
What?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Slater!

Slater:
Hey, shut up, man, I'm trying to watch the movie.

Zack:
Yeah, shut up, Screech.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Screech throws popcorn at Slater to get his attention] Eff-jay and Elly-kay.

Slater:
[Slater turns round and sees Kelly and Jeff, then turns to Screech] On't-day et-lay ack-Zay ee-say.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
What-ay?

Slater:
Oy vey.

Zack:
What's goin' on?

Slater:
Uh, Screech is startin' to feel real sick.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
I am? [Slater motions to him] Oh, yeah, oh, oh, my pancreas! Oh!

Rest of Audience:
Ssssshhhhhh!

Lisa:
When I was four years old, my father promised me anything I wanted for my sweet sixteen birthday party.

Jessie:
So?

Lisa:
So, he let me down!

Jessie:
Well, what do you want?

Lisa:
MC Hammer.

Jessie:
Lisa, aren't you overdoing it a bit?

Lisa:
Girl, I turn sixteen once. It's going to be the social event of the season.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Screech joins them] Ah, do you want me to jump out of the cake, babe?

Lisa:
No, I'd like you to jump into the cake while it's baking.

Lisa:
Why are you ruining Zack's life?

Kelly Kapowski:
Whoa, what are you talking about?

Jessie:
Zack was at the movies last night.

Kelly Kapowski:
People go to the movies all the time.

Lisa:
But not all of them make out in front of their ex-boyfriends.

Kelly Kapowski:
We were *not* making out. We were just cuddling.

Jessie:
You know, Kelly, I'd hoped you'd be a little more sensitive. You know, at least you've got somebody.

Lisa:
Yeah.

Kelly Kapowski:
What am I supposed to do? Call ahead before I go anyplace to see if Zack's there?

Lisa, Jessie:
Yes!

Kelly Kapowski:
You know, you're the one who told me to be honest about Jeff. And now you're telling me to hide it?

Lisa, Jessie:
*Yes*!

Kelly Kapowski:
If you two are sharing a brain, why don't you get one that works?

Lisa:
[Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Sue] I know this girl who would love to go out with you. Her name is Sue, and besides being pretty, she's got a great mind. And she loves to read, so she's got a lot to say.

Sue:
So, like, I figured Danielle Steel must be writing all of Jackie Collins' romance novels, because, like, they're all the same! [Chuckles] Well, not exactly the same, I mean, they have to be, like, a little bit different or everybody would know, okay? [Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream] You know, have you read Hollywood Wives?

Jessie:
[Voiceover, as Zack sits in the cinema with Cassie, who tips her tub of popcorn up to get to the last of the popcorn] You have got to go out with Cassie. She's got a great personality, and she has an insatiable hunger for life.

Cassie:
You know, after the movie, we should go to Antonio's 'cause I have this craving for a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. [Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream] [Cassie gasps] I'm out of popcorn! [Zack gives her his popcorn]

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Voiceover] You never met my cousin Kimberly, did you? A lot of guys think she's cute if you like that long-legged, gorgeous, blonde ballerina-type.

Kimberly:
Oh, he's so mean! I hope they catch him. [Tires screech in movie, followed by gun shots and a woman's scream] Oh, no! [Clutches Zack]

Zack:
Kim, how would you feel about a burger after the movie? I know a great place where we can go.

Kelly Kapowski:
[Trying to smooth things over] Hi, guys. How ya doin'?

Slater:
Okay. I'll have a double cheeseburger.

Jessie:
Cheeseburger.

Lisa:
Cheeseburger.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Do you have any specials? [Lisa hits him] Oh. Cheeseburger.

Kelly Kapowski:
How's Zack doing?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
See? You guys are wrong! She does remember his name.

Zack:
[Taking Kimberly into The Max] Well, this is the place. Hey! Look who's here. [Goes over to the gang's table] Kimberly, I want you to meet some of my friends. This is Jessie, this is Slater, this is Lisa, and of course you know Screech. [Ignores Kelly]

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Hey, cuz. Missed you at Aunt Gertrude's birthday party. We played "Pin the Tail on Uncle Fred" again.

Kelly Kapowski:
Hi, Zack.

Zack:
Oh, hi. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Can you get us a table? Something really romantic.

Kelly Kapowski:
Yeah, sure, right this way.

Zack:
See you guys later.

Lisa:
Wow, look at him! He's really happy.

Slater:
[to Screech, after looking at Kimberly] How could *you* be related to *her*?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Well, she's adopted.

Slater:
Oh, that makes sense.

Zack:
Would you like to dance?

Kimberly:
I'd love to.

Zack:
Alright.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
[Zack chooses song on the jukebox and starts dancing with Kimberly] Whoa. That's A-12. Zack and Kelly's song.

Lisa:
Why would he do that? That's so cruel!

Jessie:
To get even with her.

Lisa:
What a creep. Kelly does not deserve that.

Jessie:
And she didn't deserve to be snubbed by us either.

Slater:
Right.

Kelly Kapowski:
[Kelly returns with the milkshake Zack ordered and hears the song; she puts the milkshake on the table] Excuse me, Zack, can we talk?

Zack:
[to Kimberly] This'll only take one second. [Kisses her] So. What's up, Kimber - oh, I'm sorry, Kelly.

Kelly Kapowski:
Zack, this is our song, A-12. It's sacred.

Zack:
No, no, no. A-12 *was* sacred. Right up until you dumped me for that jerk.

Kelly Kapowski:
Don't you dare call him a jerk. You don't even know Jeff, and right now, the only jerk I see is you. [Slaps him]

Zack:
My gosh, can you believe her? I told her I wanted a strawberry shake instead, and she gets all upset.

Kimberly:
I heard every word, you creep. How dare you use me to get back at your old girlfriend?

Zack:
No, no, wa - oh! [Kimberly throws the milkshake over him]

Mr. Richard Belding:
[Talking over loudspeaker] Attention, please. This is Mr. Belding.

Jessie Spano:
[Billy starts to cry] We feel the same way, kid.

Mrs. Hatcher:
[Holding a doll] Now, girls, pay close attention. Infant care is a big part of your grade this term. Now remember, it's very important to support your baby's head. Holding your baby any other way could make it very uncomfortable. [Goes to speak to a student and her doll's head falls off] See? Now *that* could hurt baby.

Lisa Turtle:
[to Jessie] Now I know what happened to Screech.

Mrs. Hatcher:
[Jessie and Lisa are trying to direct Screech to Billy using hand signals] Uh, Miss Spano, Miss Turtle, what is it that you are doing?

Lisa Turtle:
Uh, drying our nails?

Jessie Spano:
Actually, we're on the Spirit Squad.

Max:
Jessie, I already took that picture this morning. You were great.

Jessie Spano:
We just can't help ourselves. [to Lisa] We've got so much spirit left over, don't we?

Lisa Turtle:
Yeah, we're just full of it. [Screech shrugs his shoulders, unable to find Billy] In fact, here's one of our latest cheers.

Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano:
[to Screech] Move it to the left! Move it to the right! Further to the right! Not there! Yes, there! You got it! You got it!... Fight, fight, fight!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
None of us are leaving this floor until we find my baby!

Lisa Turtle:
Your baby? Zack, I think you're getting hysterical.

Jessie Spano:
Zack, don't worry, we'll find him. Besides, it's not your fault.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[Joins them] So where's the bambino?

Jessie Spano:
Zack lost him.

Kelly Kapowski:
So where's Billy?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Uh... Bi-Billy? Billy! Uh... short, bald guy, drools a lot?

Kelly Kapowski:
My baby brother. Come on, guys, where's Billy?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Ha! Where's Billy? Uh, Jessie, why don't you go get him?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Yeah.

Jessie Spano:
Yeah, I'll go find him. I mean, I'll go get him. I mean, I'm going now. Yeah... that's it. [Leaves]

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Good luck! I-I mean, see you later!

Zack:
This has gone far enough, look I'm sorry I hurt you, all right?

Screech:
Sorry? You're sorry? You were my best friend, Zack. You could've had any other girl in the school... why Lisa? Why'd you have to steal my dream? I hate you!

Jessie:
Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.

Jessie:
[In response to Zack's propaganda video] Stop him. He's making a Mocracy of Demockery!

Zack:
I can't believe it: two Beldings in one school.

Screech:
Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding.

Lisa:
[Talking about the school trip] Well, I'm gonna do nothing but kick back and look at beautiful scenery.

Screech:
If you want beautiful scenery, baby, wait 'til you see me in a wet T-shirt. [Chuckles]

Lisa:
If it means you're drowning, count me in.

Jessie:
[Planning the school trip] We should do something significant. Let's picket a nuclear power plant.

Zack:
Why don't you save that for your honeymoon?

Zack:
[the gang are studying for the History test] Come on, guys, all we have to do is study the material and Dickerson can't stop us from goin' on the trip.

Jessie:
Zack's right.

Mr. Dickerson:
[Zack sees Mr. Dickerson in his book] You'll never pass my test, Zackie.

[Cuts to Kelly, who sees Mr. Dickerson in one of Zack's posters]

Mr. Dickerson:
Psst! Your looks won't get you through this one, cheerleader.

[Cuts to Jessie and Slater, who see Mr. Dickerson in Jessie's book, singing]

Mr. Dickerson:
F, F, F, you're both getting an "F"!

[Jessie slams book shut]

Zack:
I need a break.

Lisa:
Yeah, let's watch Fresh Prince.

Mr. Dickerson:
[Jessie turns on the television, revealing Mr. Dickerson in front of a chalkboard, rapping] You think you're smart, you think you're hip, put your books away, 'cause there's no class trip!

Rod Belding:
You guys are really brave.

Jessie:
What do you mean?

Rod Belding:
You're letting my brother lead you into the woods. When he was 12, we camped out on the front lawn, and he got lost.

Rod Belding:
So, you guys excited about the class trip?

Zack:
Oh, man, I can't wait. I mean, imagine, sitting under the stars, cuddling with Kelly around a campfire. Oh.

Screech:
I don't need a girl to keep warm. Mom's packing three pairs of long johns. With a lock on the trap door to keep the bears out.

Jessie:
White water rafting?

Zack:
Yeah. I mean, it'll be a trip we'll never forget, Jessie.

Slater:
Hey, I've done it, Mama. Let me tell you, it's the greatest thrill you've ever had. Well, except for dating me, of course.

Jessie:
Oh, please. Should I throw up now or save it for the raft?

Rod Belding:
[Simulating white water rafting] We're headin' for white water! Everybody hold on!

Zack:
Hey, Kelly, look at the mountains and the trees.

Kelly:
Oh, there's a deer drinking water!

Screech:
Where? Where?

Lisa:
It's pretend.

Screech:
Well, if it's pretend, why am I getting seasick?

[Groans]

Lisa:
Because when you were little, your Daddy bounced you on his knee, and the ceiling was low.

Mr. Belding:
[Walks in on the guys practicing CPR] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?

Screech:
[Jumps up from behind raft, having been pushed out by Lisa] I'm drowning and nobody cares!

Rod Belding:
I cannot believe you're doing this! The class trip leaves in five minutes. They're depending on you. 00:06:15 They'll get over it. 00:06:17 They look up to you. 00:06:19 How can you disappoint them? 00:06:21 You haven't met this stewardess. 00:06:23 You're doing this to see some stewardess? 00:06:27 " inga's only here for the weekend. 00:06:32 I knew it was a mistake to let you come here. 00:06:37 You promised me you'd changed. 00:06:40 But, no, you still let people down. 00:06:43 Richie, she's gorgeous. 00:06:45 She's a 10. 00:06:45 You'll tell the kids you dumped them for some fling? 00:06:51 Of course not. 00:06:52 Tell them I'm sick. cover for me. 00:06:55 I'm tired of covering for you. 00:06:58 Come on, richie. we're brothers. 00:07:03 Get out of my school, rod.

Rod Belding:
They'll get over it.

Mr. Belding:
They look up to you; How can you disappoint them?

Rod Belding:
You haven't met this stewardess

Mr. Belding:
You're doing this to see some stewardess?

Rod Belding:
Inga's only here for the weekend.

Mr. Belding:
I knew it was a mistake to let you come here. You promised me you'd changed. But, no, you still let people down.

Rod Belding:
Richie, she's gorgeous. She's a 10.

Mr. Belding:
You'll tell the kids you dumped them for some fling?

Rod Belding:
Of course not. Tell them I'm sick. cover for me.

Mr. Belding:
I'm tired of covering for you.

Rod Belding:
Come on, richie. we're brothers.

Mr. Belding:
Get out of my school, rod. [Rod leaves]

Lisa:
[Lisa hands Kelly and Jessie bracelets] Here guys, these are for you.

Kelly:
Gee, thanks.

Jessie:
These are nice.

Lisa:
I made these friendship bracelets in Fashion Club.

Screech:
Did you make one for me?

Lisa:
For you, I'm making a friendship muzzle.

Screech:
I'm speechless.

Lisa:
That's the idea.

Slater:
I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire.

Student:
[Zack puts a student off buying one of Jessie's Buddy Bands] I want my money back.

Kelly:
Why? Is there something wrong?

Jessie:
We'll be glad to refund your money if your Buddy Band's defective.

Student:
*Belding's* wearing one! You can't *get* more defective than *that*!

Lisa:
Screech, would you like to rejoin the human race?

Screech:
You always said I wasn't a member.

Lisa:
I'll sneak you in.

Lisa:
The girls in Fashion Club can't believe you're gonna pay them. Zack thought "salary" was some kind of vegetable.

Screech:
Get your Buddy Bands! Your forehead's naked without one!

Screech:
It's all my fault, it's all my fault!

Kelly:
Why is it your fault?

Screech:
'Cause I was afraid to blame greedy Miss Jessie. She's bigger than I am.

Kelly:
Poor Zack. He looks so alone.

Jessie:
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Screech:
Yeah, let's get more fries!

Mr. Tuttle:
You gave away your inventory? The goal of this project was to run a successful business.

Zack:
We'd rather be friends.

Mr. Tuttle:
I see.

Zack:
So we're ready for whatever grade you wanna give us.

Jessie:
But please don't make it too low. I hyperventilate.

Lisa:
I cannot run track today. You know, I have so much food inside of me, you could put a quarter in my mouth and a bag of Doritos would come poppin' out?

Kelly:
Lisa, you have got to stop doing this to yourself.

Lisa:
That's easy for you to say, nothing bothers you.

Kelly:
Oh yeah? Lots of things bother me. I just don't let them drive me bananas.

Lisa:
You have one?

Kelly:
Lisa, come on. If you keep obsessing about your grades, you know what you're gonna end up like?

Jessie:
[Jessie rushes in] You know, you guys, I just remembered there was one time that I did not get an "A"? I was in the fourth grade. Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class "L"s and "Q"s.

Kelly:
You guys might be right. I think we should cut gym and hit the books. I mean, this test is gonna be no piece of cake.

Lisa:
Cake? Who has cake?

Zack Morris:
[after Violet quits the Glee Club] Well, Jessie, it's up to you. You gotta take over. You're the only one with a voice as good as Violet's.

Jessie:
[raspy voice] You wanna bet? I caught Lisa's cold!

[everyone glares at Lisa]

Lisa:
Sorry!

Slater:
You are a strange and weird person.

Screech:
[Flattered] Oh, thanks for noticing.

Jeff:
[Kelly has got the job] I'll hire you on a probationary basis.

Kelly:
Oh, thank you, thank you! You won't regret this.

[pauses]

Kelly:
What does that mean?

Jeff:
It means we'll try it out for a couple of days and if you do well, the job is yours.

Kelly:
Oh, it'll be great! I promise!

[Bumps into a waiter, who drops the tray of food he is carrying]

Kelly:
Today doesn't count, does it?

Mr. Belding:
[Discussing the ball] And don't forget. This year, no Mr. Belding costumes. Mrs. Belding gets confused easily. [pauses] Oh, oh, oh! And all the boys who dress as girls must still use the boys' room, understood?

Jessie:
[Discussing the ball] Alright, I'd like to discuss the coronation ceremony of the King and Queen.

Zack:
Hey, that's a good idea. Where should Kelly and I stand?

Slater:
Behind Jessie and me, with all the other losers.

Mr. Belding:
[Zack has suggested the gang's band play at the ball] Are you kids any good?

Screech:
Are you kidding? We're better than MC Hammer.

Lisa:
And I'd like to hit you with MC's hammer.

Zack:
I just can't stop thinking about Kelly.

Lisa:
Well I can't stop thinking about Denzel Washington, but I'm still able to live my life.

Screech:
[Talking about his costume for the ball] Now should I go as Bart Simpson and shave my head or as Al Bundy and shave my back?

Lisa:
Why don't you go as "Barf Bundy" and put your head in a bag?

Jeff:
[after Kelly says her break is almost over] Oh, there's no rush, Kelly. Take as much time as you want.

Zack:
Alright!

Lisa:
Ha-hey, nice boss! [to Jeff] You know, if I ever have to work, which I never plan on doing, I hope it's for you.

Zack:
[to Slater and Screech] Hey, have either of you guys noticed anything different about Kelly at The Max

Screech:
Yeah! She's a waitress now!

Zack:
I know there's something going on between you and Jeff. Please, just talk to me.

Kelly:
I don't know how to say this. It's just that Jeff and I have been working together and...

Zack:
Do you really like him?

Kelly:
No.

[pauses]

Kelly:
Yes.

[pauses]

Kelly:
I don't know. It's just all happening so fast.

Zack:
Kelly, what happened? I-I thought you loved me.

Kelly:
I do love you, Zack. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not for us. I didn't want to hurt you for anything in the whole world.

Zack:
I thought we'd always be together.

Kelly:
[Crying] Zack, I'm so sorry.

Zack:
I'll miss you, Kelly. Well, hey, how about one last dance?

Kelly:
I'd like that.

Kelly:
[after breaking up] Can we still be friends?

Zack:
Forever.

Stacey Carosi:
Morris, you are in big trouble, bucko!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hi, Miss Carosi. Is something wrong?

Stacey Carosi:
I know it was you who sold Mrs. King the mayonnaise suntan lotion!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Yes, well I heard it was good for the skin.

Stacey Carosi:
Wrong! As we speak, that poor woman is being attacked by a flock of hungry seagulls!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Well, at least she'll have a good tan.

Stacey Carosi:
That's it. If you think my father has a temper, you ain't seen nothing yet. Of all the irresponsible, disrespectful, unprofessional...

[the few club staff present quickly walk of the room, and Stacy and Zack are now alone]

Stacey Carosi:
[sedcutive tone] Irresistible, adorable...

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Lovable.

Stacey Carosi:
Kissable. [they kiss] I love taking breaks with you.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Whoa, fifty bucks!

Kelly Kapowski:
That's nothing. I got seventy-five from her husband.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[Wondering who his secret admirer is] Oh, come on! Who loves me?

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Well, I do, but only as a friend!

Billy:
Would you go with me to my little league banquet?

Kelly Kapowski:
Oh, that's so sweet!

Billy:
You're looking at little slugger of the year.

Kelly Kapowski:
Oh, Billy, you're really cute, and I'm very flattered, but I can't go out with you. You're just a little boy.

Billy:
Little boy? [He walks off]

Kelly Kapowski:
Oh, Billy, wait, I didn't mean...

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
Don't worry, Kelly. He'll get over it. [pause] After *many* years of therapy.

Leon Carosi:
Oh, forget the breakfast! The food here stinks! [Bumps into passing waiter] You're fired!

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Aloha, dudes! Meet Cynthia. She's the chick I rescued this afternoon.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
It's just too bad it took all summer for you guys to get together.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
No, it's okay. She just moved to town and she's going to Bayside. Come on, babe, let's get a burger.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
"Chick"? "Babe"? Are you gonna take that from him?

Cynthia:
With dimples like those, he can say whatever he wants.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
[Jessie finds Zack alone on the beach] You need a friend?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Wouldn't hurt.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
[the rest of the gang appear] How about five friends?

[last lines]

Zack:
The Lisa Card: Don't leave home *with* it.

Zack:
[auctioning Lisa's things off] Next we have blond wig worn by Lisa.

Rocco:
[distant yell] Two Dollars!

Zack:
Sold to Rocco... No questions asked.

Customer:
[Lisa takes a job at the Max and continually messes up orders] Miss, this isn't what I ordered; You were supposed to toast my buns!

Lisa:
You want toasted buns? Go sit on a Microwave!

Jessie:
Look, Slater, since we both work, we should share the household chores.

Slater:
Fine. You cook, I'll eat.

Jessie:
You macho pig.

Slater:
Oink, oink, baby.

Screech:
[Kelly has just stormed away from Zack] I'm leaving, too! I'll send for my ant farm.

Jessie:
Haven't you ever heard of the Women's Movement?

Slater:
Well, sure. Put on something cute and move it into the kitchen.

Screech:
[Screech and Lisa are simulating a scene from their "marriage"] Oh, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Lisa:
Uh, Lisa no en casa.

Screech:
I love it when you speak German.

Lisa:
What do you want?

Screech:
I was fired today.

Lisa:
So?

Screech:
I don't think I have the strength to go on living.

Lisa:
Okay!

Kelly:
Zack, I have that surprise for you.

Zack:
You do?

Kelly:
Remember in our project I told you about another child? Well, it was a girl.

Zack:
A girl? That's great.

Screech:
[Lifts dishcover, revealing Screech in a pink bonnet] Da-da!

Zack:
You've made a big mistake.

Tori Scott:
Oh?

Zack:
You see, you parked your bike in my parking space.

Tori Scott:
Did it have a sign?

Zack:
No, but I've been parking there since...

Tori Scott:
Maybe you didn't hear me.

Zack:
What you don't get is that I'm Zack Morris.

Tori Scott:
Should I be impressed?

Zack:
Most people are.

Tori Scott:
Well, I'm not.

Zack:
[to Mr. Belding] Look... I've parked in that parking space for 2 years! Even though Screech had to lay there 6 months... but it's still mine!

Mr. Belding:
Zack, just because you always park your car in that same spot, does not mean it's official.

Zack:
Then make it official, just like my seat in detention.

Kelly:
[Kelly is talking about choosing between Zack and Slater] Guys, this is hard. It's like choosing between two great pieces of chocolate.

Zack:
Sorry, Kelly, from now on, you only get zits from one of us.

Kelly:
Why aren't you at the prom?

Zack:
Oh, is that tonight? Gosh, I must have forgotten.

Kelly:
There must have been a hundred girls who would love to go with you.

Zack:
Hmm, actually 106.

Zack:
Kelly dumped me.

Slater:
Is that what you think?

Zack:
Yeah, I mean every time I call, her mother says she's washin' her hair. I mean who washes their hair six times a day?

Slater:
You do.

Jessie:
[Jessie and Slater are looking for music for the prom] I can't believe you like these tapes.

Slater:
Hey, what's wrong with Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson?

Jessie:
Their music doesn't say anything.

Slater:
Did you ever see them move? Ha, they're saying plenty, baby.

Mr. Belding:
Now, Zack, I know that you and Lisa are in charge of decorations, but this year's theme is not going to be [Holds up a banner] "Zack and Kelly's Prom".

Kelly:
Is something wrong?

Mr. Frank Kapowski:
Well, yeah, afraid so. World peace broke out.

Kelly:
That's good, isn't it?

Mr. Frank Kapowski:
For the world, yes, but not if you work in a defense plant.

Screech:
Will you go to the prom with me?

Lisa:
Yeah, I'll go.

Screech:
You will?

Lisa:
I'll go with you when worms have ears.

Lisa:
Okay, now we have exactly 214 minutes to shop at the Palisades Mall before dinner. [Pulls scroll down from inside her locker, revealing a map of the mall] Here's our route.

Jessie:
You have a map of the mall?

Lisa:
I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.

Kelly:
Um, Lisa, I can't go to the mall with you.

Lisa:
Why?

Kelly:
I'm not going to the prom.

Jessie:
Oh, no. Don't tell me Slater killed Zack?

Screech:
[Screech sits beside Lisa in the theater] Guess who?

Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience:
[Lisa screams] Ssssshhhh!

Screech:
[He has bought popcorn] I got the wide container so both our hands can fit in at once.

Lisa:
Um, Screech, would you go get me some chocolate malt balls?

Screech:
[Produces a pack of chocolate malt balls] I knew you'd want them!

Lisa:
You know, popcorn really makes me thirsty. Do you think you could go and get me...

Screech:
[Produces two drinks containers] Cola? Or Uncola?

Lisa:
Uncola, please.

Screech:
[Puts his arm around her shoulder to give her the drink, she tries to remove his arm] Hey, no arm, no soda.

Lisa:
[Watching the film] When do the zombies fall in love?

Screech:
Ssh, you'll see.

Lisa:
Is that the zombie?

Screech:
No, that's his mother-in-law, his mombie.

Lisa:
Where's Matt Dillon?

Screech:
[sighing] He's not in this movie. Just watch.

Lisa:
Look, there's the zombie!

Screech:
Sssh!

Lisa:
What?

Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly, Rest of Audience:
Quiet!

Lisa:
He's cute for a dead guy.

Screech:
That's the female zombie. Can't you see she's wearing high heels? You're into fashion.

Lisa:
Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?

Screech:
Yes, Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Jessie:
You know we haven't fought for 15 seconds?

Slater:
It was 20, shut up.

Slater:
Hey, um... do you, uh, have a date for the prom?

Jessie:
Uh... no, not yet. How about you?

Slater:
Well, not exactly. You know, I'm still narrowing it down? You think that, uh, I don't know, you, perhaps, would, uh...?

Jessie:
Slater, are you asking *me* to go to the prom with *you*?

Slater:
Maybe. You interested?

Jessie:
Maybe.

Slater:
Maybe... pick you up at 7?

Jessie:
No. I'll pick *you* up at 7.

Screech:
Gee, Lisa, I can't believe we're finally on a date together. Are you having a good time? [Screech is sitting next to Slater, with the entire gang sitting between Screech and Lisa]

Slater:
[Passing the message on to Jessie] Are you having a good time?

Jessie:
[Passing the message on to Zack] Are you having a good time?

Zack:
[Passing the message on to Kelly] Are you having a good time?

Kelly:
[Passing the message on to Lisa] Are you having a good time?

Lisa:
Yes!

Slater, Jessie, Zack, Kelly:
Yes!

Lisa:
[Smiling] What a great movie, Screech. [Turns to find his seat empty] Screech? Where are you?

Screech:
[He has moved beside Slater] I missed most of the movie 'cause of motor mouth down there. [to Lisa] Next time, go to the movies with Matt Dillon. This has been the worst date of my life! Forget the prom! [He leaves]

Lisa:
Wait - wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me, *I'm* supposed to dump *you*! [Follows him out]

Lisa:
[Recounting the film] Then, the zombie that looked like Matt Dillon gave a dead rose to the female zombie, and then the male zombie didn't like that at all, so do you know what he did?

Lisa's Date:
Probably got earplugs.

Screech:
[Overhearing their conversation] Yeah, now you know why I dumped the babe.

Kelly:
[Zack has laid out a table with a candle] Zack, what are we doing here?

Zack:
Told you I had a surprise.

Kelly:
What is all this?

Zack:
It's a prom picnic.

Kelly:
You're crazy.

Zack:
Only about you.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Hey, feel that heat.

Jessica 'Jessie' Myrtle Spano:
Yeah, it's like a furnace.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
It is a furnace.

Slater:
Okay, Preppie. While you're treading cola, Kelly and I are going to the beach.

Zack:
Kelly, this news disappoints me verily! I thought you and I could go over some more lines from Romeo and Juliet.

Kelly:
Oh, that's a good idea, Zack! Sorry, Slater.

Slater:
What? I don't believe this. You'd rather study than go to the beach?

Zack:
Parting is such sweet sorrow... chump.

Tony Crane:
[the class is rehearsing Shakespeare, Crane reads as Romeo] With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt.

Kelly:
[as Juliet] If my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee.

Slater:
Go kinsmen!

Lisa:
He must have read my diary.

Zack:
Yeah, and then he borrowed your blouse.

Tony Crane:
Now what do you think that means? Jessie?

Jessie:
Whatever you say, Tony. I mean, Mr. Crane.

Tony Crane:
Does anyone know what Shakespeare's saying here?

Zack:
Nothing. He's dead.

Zack:
We had to come up with a plan. Her name is Vicki. She's an actress.

Vicki:
Where's my money?

Zack:
A professional actress. Or you might remember as the third pepperoni on the dancing pizza commercial.

Screech:
I love your work.

Tony Crane:
I said we'll continue this tomorrow.

Kelly, Lisa, Jessie:
We'll wait.

Tony Crane:
Well, I just wanted Vicki to meet some of my students. Ms. Simpson will be back on Monday, so this was my last day. "O, that a joy past joy calls out on me, that it were a grief, so brief, to part with thee."

Kelly, Lisa Turtle, Jessie Spano:
Goodbye, Mr. Crane!

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[Zack sees Moose with two black eyes and Ollie in a neck brace] Hey, what happened to you guys?

Moose:
Slater thought we were hitting on Jessie. So he starts to hit on us!

Ollie:
And I have incredible pain, too.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
[after Screech messes up with the dating video] You are, without a doubt, the dumbest human being on Earth!

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Well, you hired me, what does that make *you*?

Jessie:
I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.

Kelly:
Jessie let's go to the lost and found.

Jessie:
Why?

Kelly:
Because you've lost it.

Zack:
Maybe we could sell Screech to Exxon.

Slater:
Nah, they'd never buy a geek that doesn't squeak.

Jessie Spano:
Look, if you don't want to hire Kelly as a lifeguard just because she's a woman, that's discrimination.

Leon Carosi:
Well, you like to throw your two cents in, don't you?

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Boy, you have no idea!

Norman Schmeltzer:
Hey, babe, you the new lifeguard?

Kelly Kapowski:
Yeah, but the name's Kelly.

Norman Schmeltzer:
So, um, what do you gotta do to get a little mouth-to-mouth?

Kelly Kapowski:
Try drowning. Now excuse me, I have to concentrate on the swimmers.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Now, may I tell you today's specials? We have linguine, fettuccine or eenie meanie tortellini.

Lisa Turtle:
I'll have a salad.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Mixed or greeny?

Lisa Turtle:
Greeny.

Samuel 'Screech' Powers:
Large or teeny?

Lisa Turtle:
Will you get outta here, ya weenie?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Hi there, can I help you?

Stacey Carosi:
Maybe. I'm looking for someone.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Oh, aren't we all? And sometimes we get lucky and find that someone we're looking for.

Stacey Carosi:
[Sarcastically] That's so profound.

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
I'm looking for, uh, Leon Carosi?

Stacey Carosi:
What do you wanna see that jerk for?

Zachary 'Zack' Morris:
Because that jerk's my father. [She walks away]

Stacey Carosi:
Oh. [Chuckles nervously] Yeah, well I was just kidding. Guess what? You're on Totally Hidden Video!

Kelly Kapowski:
Hey, Zack, we heard you really blew it with Carosi's daughter yesterday.

Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater:
Ho-ho, yeah, the word is you needed a shoehorn to get your foot outta your mouth.

Stacey Carosi:
[to Zack] What is it with you California guys? Too much sun bleaches the brain?

Mr. Belding:
I am fed up with your wisecracks. I'm giving you a month's worth of Saturday detention.

Zack:
Four Saturdays?

Mr. Belding:
Uh-uh, thirty Saturdays.

Zack:
Thirty Saturdays? Sir, can we negotiate? Hey I'll wash your car.

Mr. Belding:
The last time you washed my car, you flooded the inside.

Zack:
Car pool, sir.

Alan Fairbanks:
Why should I join the Cadet Corps?

Zack:
'Cause the new Army serves cake at every meal.

Alan Fairbanks:
Slice me in!

Mr. Belding:
I'd like to introduce to you Lieutenant Chet Adams.

Kelly:
[Lisa wolf whistles] Lisa, what are you doing?

Lisa:
I can't help it. He is so hot.

Lt. Chet Adams:
Are you alright, young lady?

Lisa:
Yes, Lieutenant Hot.

Jessie:
[to Lieutenant Adams] Why aren't women allowed on the front line?

Slater:
Because we need cooks.

Lt. Chet Adams:
Hope I'll be seeing some of you soon.

Lisa:
Oh, you will, honey.

Lt. Chet Adams:
Good morning, Lisa, Kelly.

Lisa:
How could it be good? Look at the way I am dressed!

Lt. Chet Adams:
Think you look terrific.

Lisa:
I'm beginning to love the Army!

Lt. Chet Adams:
The highlight of every Cadet Corps program is an athletic competition. This helps develop physical skills, teamwork, and it's the Army's way of separating the men from the boys.

Jessie:
Excuse me?

Lt. Chet Adams:
I mean, the persons from the persons.

Jessie:
Thank you.

Lt. Chet Adams:
Now, there'll be a red team and a blue team. Choice of colors alright with you, Miss Spano?

Jessie:
[Smiling] Yes. [Straight-faced] But it's "Ms".

Lisa:
[Screech is leaning on her] Will you get off my back? Now I have to burn my clothes!

Slater:
[to Jessie] Alright, go for it, Mama.

Jessie:
Okay, Papa!

Lisa:
[Hearing Jessie took nine seconds on the monkey bars] Nine seconds? I can't even get to the bottom of my purse in nine seconds.

Lt. Chet Adams:
Way to go, Lisa.

Lisa:
Thank you, Lieutenant. By the way, are you married?

Lt. Chet Adams:
By the way, yes.

Lisa:
By the way, adios.

Butch:
Ready to be humiliated, wimp?

Screech:
Hey, I'm always ready.

Lt. Chet Adams:
Since the rope broke, this is the tie-breaking event. The super obstacle course. Each team will choose one man - [Looking at Jessie] I mean, one person, to compete.

Jessie:
Very good, Lieutenant.

Lt. Chet Adams:
I'm trying, Cadet Spano.