Shrek Forever After

Shrek:
[to Donkey] There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?

Shrek:
Okay, I know you don't remember me, but we got married. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers and this boy kept saying "Do the roar, do the roar!" Then I punched the cake that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole.

Shrek:
Fiona, I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the I. I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower. But mostly importantly, Fiona. I know that the reason that you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed. Well, by me.

Shrek:
[to Fiona] All I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be, back when villagers were afraid of me and I could take a mud bath in peace, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it, back when the world made sense!

Shrek:
[to Fiona; while disappearing since his "day" is almost over] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again.

Donkey:
Please eat my face last and send my hooves to my momma!

Donkey:
Are my kids cute or do they make people uncomfortable?

Donkey:
Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald! Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said.

Donkey:
Help! I'm bein' ass-napped!

Donkey:
[after seeing a plate of waffles, being used as bait] Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle-Fairy was just a bedtime story!

Rumpelstiltskin:
HAPPY OGRE DAY!!!!

Rumpelstiltskin:
"By night one way, by day another." Blah-di-blah-di-blah!

Rumpelstiltskin:
Nobody's smart but me!

Rumpelstiltskin:
Get them, witches!

[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]

Pinocchio:
Uh, sir? You're gonna have to pay for that.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Uh... M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?

Pinocchio:
Oh, I'm not a real boy.

Rumpelstiltskin:
[looking devious] Do you wanna be?

[Cut to Pinocchio kicking Rumpel out]

Pinocchio:
NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS!

Rumpel:
[coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page and looks at it angrily] I wish that ogre was never born!

Donkey:
Man, you are a cat-tastrophe.

Puss in Boots:
And you, are ri-donk-ulous.

[Both laugh]

Donkey:
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.

Shrek:
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?

Donkey:
I do?

Shrek:
You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.

Donkey:
[Not listening] I'm a daddy?

[Shrek meets the obese Puss]

Puss:
Feed me, if you dare.

Shrek:
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa... [Puss raises his eyebrow] fa... ncy!

Puss:
Do I know you?

Shrek:
Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [gasps softly] Your wee little boots?

Puss:
Boots? For a cat? [laughs dryly]

Shrek:
But you're Puss in Boots.

Puss:
Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown.

Shrek:
[wryly] That's not the only thing you've outgrown.

Puss:
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement. But hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [a mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [starts drinking out of the bowl himself]

Mob:
We must find Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Woman:
Hey, get back where you came from!

Rumpelstiltskin:
You're not going to eat me?

Shrek:
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.

Butterpants:
Do the roar!

Shrek:
[unenthusiastically] Roar.

Butterpants:
I don't like it.

[Last lines]

Shrek:
You know, I always thought I'd rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.

Princess Fiona:
You did.

Shrek:
No, it was you who rescued me.

Princess Fiona:
"Watch the cake.....I'll go get them.

Shrek:
"Watch the cake?" (he notices the cake had been eaten up by the 3 Little Pigs) where's the cake?"

1st Little Pig:
We ate the cake...

2nd Little Pig:
Ja...

Shrek:
"What?!?"

Fergus:
[Crying And Wailing]

Shrek:
"No... don't cry."

Fiona:
Shrek? Are you okay?

- [all chanting] Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

- [yells]

The Final Chapter

Bake no prisoners

It ain't ogre... til it's ogre

The fairy tale is ogre

Waffles in the face of danger

Feed me! If you dare!

Where my witches at?

What the Shrek just happened?

Shrek/Donkey: [singing] ? Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall. All you've got to do is call. And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a friend. ?

[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]

Pinocchio:
Uh, sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Uh... M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?

Pinocchio:
Oh, I'm not a real boy.

Rumpelstiltskin:
[looking devious] Do you wanna be?

[Cut to Pinocchio kicking him out]

Pinocchio:
NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS!

Rumpelstiltskin:
[coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page and looks at it angrily] I wish that ogre was never born!

Daph:
Better start making sense ya dirty little man!

Rumpel:
Here let me spell it out for ya. You gave me a day from your past a day you wouldn't even remember a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby

Shrek:
You took the day I was born.

Rumpelstiltskin:
No, Shrek, you gave it to me.

Tigger:
Enjoy this while ya can Grumpel cuz when this day is up

Rumpel:
But you guys haven't heard the best part Since you were never born once this day comes to an end so will you

Shrek:
Where is Fiona? Where's my famiy?!

Rumpel:
Silly little ogre you don't get it do ya? You were never born you never met Fiona your kids don't exist!

Puss:
Come on, Donkey, ¡Vamonos!

Donkey:
Man, you are a 'cat-tastrophe'.

Puss:
And you, are 'ri-donkey-lous'.

[Both laugh]

Donkey: ? Just thinkin' about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with the day, that's grey, and lonely.

Shrek [awakens to hear Donkey singing outside the cage wagon] Donkey, stop with the singing, will you?

Donkey:
? I just stick out my chin, and grin, and say... ?

Shrek:
Donkey! [getting up, he bumps his head] Ow!

Donkey: ? Oh, the sun will come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on until tomorrow Come with me…tomorrow! Tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! ?

Shrek:
Donkey, where am I? What's happening?

Onboard Witch:
Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. [She pulls out a whip, whipping Donkey, stopping him for a second, then he resumes]

Donkey: ? But I made up my mind. Oh... I'm keepin' my baby. Ooh... ?

Driver Witch:
Uh, I'm driving, so… [She takes the whip] ...I'm in charge of the music. [She whips him]

Donkey:
Hey! Will you witches make up your mind, please? [She whips him again] Ow! ? No matter what they take from me...

Witches:
? …they can't take away my dignity ?

Shrek:
Psst! Donkey, what's going on? Do you know where Fiona is?

Donkey:
Shh! Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble and I need this job, so I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. E-I-E-I-No! That's what I said.

Shrek:
Where are my babies? And where's your wife, Dragon?

Donkey:
Look, ogre, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life.

Shrek:
Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey!

Donkey:
And how do you know my name anyway?

Shrek:
It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend?

Donkey:
A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!

Shrek:
Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me?

Donkey:
To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin.

Shrek:
Stiltskin!

Shrek:
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [He starts panting]

[after a small pause, the party guests start cheering]

Butterpants:
I love you, daddy.

[Everyone chants] Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek, Shrek...!

Puss:
Everybody, I have found... [He lifts his cape revealing a new cake] ...Another cake!

Fiona:
Shrek, are you okay? [the party stops after Shrek smashes the cake] Unbelievable.

Shrek:
Tell me about it! Those villagers...

Fiona:
I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday?

Shrek:
Oh, great. So this is all my fault?!

Fiona:
Yes, but... you know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home.

Shrek:
You mean that roadside attraction we live in? "Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite!" I used to be an ogre. Now I'm just a jolly green joke!

Fiona:
Okay, okay. Maybe you're not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Shrek:
Ah, I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's not like you're a real ogre. You've spent half your life in a palace.

Fiona:
And the other half locked away in a tower.

Shrek:
[sighs] Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be; back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I can do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense!

Fiona:
You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep?

Shrek:
Exactly!

Fiona:
Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that... is you?

Shrek:
[replying to Fiona's comment] That's just great.

Shrek [enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?

[Green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]

Puss:
You should not be here... señor.

Shrek:
Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck.] You've gotta be kiddin' me.

[He lowers down on the scratching post, the lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek.]

Puss:
Feed me, if you dare.

Shrek:
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa... [Puss gives him a look] Fa-ancy!

Puss:
Do I know you?

Shrek:
Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [He gasps softly] Your wee little boots?

Puss:
Boots, for a cat? Ha! [He laughs]

Shrek:
But you're Puss in Boots.

Puss:
Maybe once, [He opens a bottle of milk] but that is a name I have outgrown.

Shrek:
That's not the only thing you've outgrown.

Puss:
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [He starts drinking out of the bowl himself]

Shrek:
Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.

Puss:
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.

Shrek:
You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!

Pumpkin Witch:
You have the right to shut your mouth! [She drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]

Shrek:
Stop! Where are you going?

Fiona:
To save my friends.

Shrek:
How, by getting yourself killed?

Fiona:
If that's what it takes.

Shrek:
Puss, say something.

Fiona:
Puss?

Puss:
L-let me explain.

Fiona:
So that's how you knew so much about me!

Shrek:
Fiona, wait! Kiss me!

Fiona:
What?

Shrek:
It's the only way to save your friends!

Fiona:
Get out of my way!

Shrek:
You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! [Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they're done kissing, nothing happens] I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!

Fiona:
Yeah. You know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale!

Shrek:
Fiona, don't say that! It does exist!

Fiona:
Then how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!

Shrek:
But… but... I'm your true love.

Fiona:
Then where were you when I needed you? [She turns around and leaves]

Donkey:
Maybe you kissed her... wrong?

Shrek:
No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.

Puss:
It seems that we are safe.

Donkey:
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.

Shrek:
Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.

Donkey:
Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow...

Shrek:
Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never gonna get it back!

Donkey:
Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?

Shrek:
Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone, alright? [He sighs] I didn't know what I had.

Fiona:
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.

Shrek:
No. You were right. I wasn't there for you… and not just at the dragon's keep, but... everyday since.

Fiona:
Well… you're here now.

Shrek/Fiona:
I didn't know we could do that.

[During the main event...]

Donkey:
? Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.

All you've got to do is call. [Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball] ? And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Shrek:
Donkey?

Donkey:
And Puss... [Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape.]

Puss:
In Boots!

(Ogres come out of wrecking ball)

Rumpel:
Get em get em witches!

Rumpelstiltskin:
You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [starts scatting Happy Birthday]

Shrek:
You took the day I was born.

Rumpelstiltskin:
No, Shrek, you gave it to me.

Shrek:
Alright. I knew it. So what do you want?

Stiltskin:
A day.

Shrek:
A day?

Stiltskin:
Ooh, rat's done!

Shrek:
Donkey, get off me!

Shrek:
What are you-- Bad Donkey! Mustn't! I said don't! Don't! No! GET AWAY FROM IT!!!!! You did.

Shrek:
Stiltskin!

[Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisle]

Shrek:
I hear you're looking for me.

Rumpelstiltskin:
All right! Finally! [calls out and looks around] Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?

Shrek:
I do.

[He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand]

Rumpelstiltskin:
What?! But--

Shrek:
If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime.

[He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar]

Shrek:
That means you have to give me anything I want.

[The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it]

Rumpelstiltskin:
No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna [mimicks walking] doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--

Shrek:
I'm not here to get my life back.

Rumpelstiltskin:
[with a glare] Then what DO you want?

Rumpelstiltskin:
I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. [mockingly] The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres.

[The witches shackles Shrek with chains]

Shrek:
All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.

Stiltskin:
Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. [He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out]

Shrek:
Fiona!

[Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement]

Shrek:
Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!

Rumpelstiltskin:
[uncaring tone] Oh, yeah. [slyly] But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she?