Sione's Wedding

Aaliyah:
Tyrique?

Stanley:
Aaliyah?

Aaliyah:
On Party Chat you said you were 6'6!

Stanley:
You said you were size 14!

Aaliyah:
I am!

Stanley:
Your feet, maybe.

Stanley:
Will there be any honies there? I'm sick of sleeping with girls as big as Savai'i.

Tania:
You slept with that Sasquatch?

Stanley:
Yeah, she showed up. It would've been rude not to.

Albert:
I have to go shopping.

Michael:
Shopping for your mum?

Albert:
Shopping for a hon-ay.

Sefa:
What are these?

Stanley:
Pants!

Sefa:
Who's wearing them?

Stanley:
You are!

Sefa:
Correct!

Leilani:
And who washes the skid marks out of them?

Stanley:
[to Albert] What about Tanya? Tanya, who you work with?

Michael:
I thought she's seeing someone else.

Albert:
She hangs out with Derek.

Stanley:
She thinks he's a dick.

Michael:
So how come she's going out with him?

Stanley:
She's not going out with him.

Michael:
That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.

Albert:
Michael, you asked Tanya? Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?

Stanley:
So you DO like her.

Albert:
So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys, he's obviously the "someone else"!

Stanley:
Or, she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely, cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.

Michael:
How do you know all this?

Stanley:
I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.

Bolo:
My name is Paul.

Sefa:
Your name is Bolo until you earn the right to be called by your real name: Bolo!

Leilani:
What time do you call this, Sefa?

Sefa:
Bedtime?

Albert:
Man, we're gonna be banned from our own funerals.

Albert:
Et tu, Brute?

Sefa:
What are you speaking Maori for?

Derek:
T, sup girl. Sole, malo man.

Albert:
Who you calling "sole"?

Derek:
Hound dog in the fale.

Albert:
Derek start speaking your own language, you come from Glenfield.

Derek:
Sole man, I'm down. My boys growing up on my block, P.I. and proud represent. G-g-g- Gfield.

Albert:
G-g-g Glenfield. Not Gfield.

Derek:
Word. T, my crews hitting the Muddy Farmer after work. You up girl?

Albert:
This will be your crew from the claims department.

Derek:
Sole don't be a hater, be a player congratulator.

Derek:
When you come to my fale you check what you bringing at the door.

Albert:
Bringing what?

Derek:
That.

Albert:
WHAT?

Derek:
That attitude. You check that at the door or yo get my jandel on yo mouf!

Albert:
She smiled at me. She likes me.

Stanley:
How can you tell? By the flirtatious way she's ignoring you?

Michael:
What's happened to you, Sione?

Sione:
I fell in love, you dick! Man, I love Leonie more than I love anthing in the world and if any of you d*ckheads wreck our wedding that's it, we're done!

Stanley:
Guess you don't love her that much then.

Security Guard:
Why don't you back off or I'll introduce you to Mr. Wack Wack stick.

Albert:
[Out drinking with Princess and the Duckrockers] I feel less than ideal... [throwing up in the restroom]... Do I still look cool...?

Stanley:
Yeah... you hardly look wasted bro'.

Sefa:
Let's go. Drive like the wind Bolo!

Bolo:
My name is Paul.

Sefa:
Bolo.

Albert:
Bolo.

Michael:
Bolo.

Stanley:
Bolo.

Sefa, Albert, Michael, Stanley:
PAUL!

Bolo:
Actually Leilani, as a bridesmaid you are not obliged to take anyone...

Sefa:
Bolo shut up!

Leilani:
But he's right.

Sefa:
Babe you are the one that says we should spend more time together...

Leilani:
Yeah, more time together when you don't get drunk as soon as we get there!

Bolo:
Hm-Hm.

Sefa:
[to Bolo] "Hm-Hm", shut up!

Sefa:
[to Leilani] It's the perfect oppotunity to sort our sh*t out.

Leilani:
Our sh*t?

Sefa:
MY sh*t, okay, MY sh*t. It will be great, it will be like our first date.

Bolo:
Uh-uh, like the the date you ended up falling asleep on the toilet seat?

Bolo:
How about the date you ended up SHUT UP!

Derek:
Albert.

Albert:
Derek.

Derek:
Sole man, where you going?

Albert:
Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me Sole, alright?

Derek:
Why?

Albert:
What do you mean why? Cause you're white not Samoan.

Derek:
Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?

Albert:
That's none of your business.

Derek:
[looks strangely at Albert] You disrespecting me?

Albert:
[laughing] Hey?

Derek:
Comin on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood. [Sefa and the gang laugh]

Michael:
[laughing] Just hit the prick Albert.

Albert:
Derek, this is not a Michael Jaskson video okay? So stop being a dick and get out of my way.

[the guys propose to the Pastor to bring girls to the wedding]

Albert:
It's so we're different people when these girls around. Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. Sione's like a little brother to us.

Michael:
Especially me, sir.

Stanley:
They're related.

Albert:
And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin.

Michael:
Right, Sione? [Sione shrugs]

Minister:
Not just dates, not some girl foolish enough to say yes to a night out and free food. You must bring girlfriends.

Albert:
Girlfriends?

Stanley:
But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!

Albert:
Good one, Stanley.

Minister:
Someone to whom you've made a commitment.

Michael:
Commitment?

Minister:
Commitment? Girlfriend? Other words you don't understand, huh?... You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street!

[Sefa goes to Leilani's house after he learns she went to a certain clinic]

Leilani:
[teary-eyed] What do you want?

Sefa:
I got a pitch stranger put a needle up my dick.

Leilani:
God, did it hurt?

Sefa:
Then he tells me I don't have any of the symptoms.

Leilani:
Of what?

Sefa:
Of WHAT? The STD I did give you!... The one you went to the clinic for?

Leilani:
The FAMILY PLANNING clinic, Sefa. I'm pregnant.

[At Sione's house, the Pastor calls in Sefa and the gang]

Minister:
We have a problem. As a shepherd of the Lord charged with watching over our little community, I have officiated at many happy occasions. Celebrations of love, togetherness, peace and harmony... and there are weddings you four have attended. Shall we watch some? [starts putting in videotapes]

Minister:
Tavita's wedding... [Footage shows Tavita and his bride being given the send-off by the guests. The couple open the limousine to find Michael having sex with a bridesmaid. Michael scrambles to get out of the car and escape with Tavita chasing him]

Minister:
And Albert, don't think anyone has forgotten Iakopo's wedding... [Footage shows Albert joining the bride's siva dance. He picks up the bride, and suddenly drops her on her head]

Minister:
Sefa, don't think anyone has forgotten Mose's wedding... [Footage shows Mose and his bride are ready to cut the groom's wedding cake, when a drunk Sefa stands up and collapses on the bride's cake]

Minister:
And just last night, your crowning glory. Eugene's wedding. [Footage shows the wedding hall on fire, thanks to Stanley]

Minister:
Shame and heartache, because of FOUR IMMATURE FOOLS! My flock have commanded to me, and that is why my decree, is this: at Sione's wedding, all of you are banned. Our meeting is over.

[Stanley's drinking alone and a waitress takes away the spent dishes]

Waitress:
Hey ummm if you want more corn beef, there's heaps out the back. Cheer up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Stanley:
...Latifah?