Space Ghost Coast to Coast

[watching 60s cartoon of himself]

Space Ghost:
Those stupid kids, why did I even bother?

[wearing large wig]

Zorak:
What? This is my natural head of hair.

[Space Ghost and Moltar are holding a dinner murder mystery]

Space Ghost:
Now, what about these beans?

Moltar:
Those must've fallen out of my hair.

[pause]

Moltar:
Well, you're just making all this (bleep) up!

[pause]

Moltar:
Oh, what, you're the only one that gets to make (bleep) up?

[pause]

Moltar:
Those are part of the dinner.

Space Ghost:
No they're not. They're part of the plot.

Moltar:
They were on the menu.

Space Ghost:
Murder is on the menu.

Space Ghost:
Chambraigne: It's shampoo for your hair, and your brain.

Zorak:
Hey! You took my soul!

Zorak:
You dance like a woman.

Space Ghost:
I dance like a woman... if she were a man!

Zorak:
Well... ya got me there.

Space Ghost:
I'll spank you smartly with my spank ray.

Zorak:
My favorite episode of The Golden Girls is the one where they all took contaminated Geritol and died.

Space Ghost:
That was never an episode!

Zorak:
Well, it should have been.

Space Ghost:
Oh boy, the Shatner's really hit the fan now. I'm up Dawson's Creek without a paddle.

[Space Ghost's grandfather takes over hosting]

Zorak:
You're shooting blanks, Grandpa!

Leonard Ghostal:
Shut your pie hole, Blip! Why, twenty years ago I woulda put your head in a half nelson, twisted it around, saying each letter of the alphabet on every turn, and then when I reached the first letter of my true love's name (that would be the lovely Elizabeth), I would yank your head clean off and roll it down the pike like a bowling ball!

Zorak:
[wide-eyed] Okay.

Moltar:
Whoa! Looks like we're movin'!

Space Ghost:
We ARE moving, Moltar. To America!

Moltar:
And, uh, why are we doin' that?

Space Ghost:
Because all the successful superheroes live in America.

Moltar:
Okay...

Space Ghost:
It's really the only thing that keeps me from being the next Superman.

Moltar:
Are you faster than a speeding bullet?

Space Ghost:
Well... no, but...

Moltar:
Are you able to leap tall buildings with...

Space Ghost:
Moltar, that's not the point.

Zorak:
Vengence is the refuge of the weak.

Space Ghost:
I'll be dead long before you were born and I'll be dead long before you'll be dead.

Space Ghost:
Zorak, where's your nephew?

Zorak:
Who? Oh, um, I devoured him.

Space Ghost:
That's barbaric!

[hungrily]

Space Ghost:
Is there any left?

Space Ghost:
I could plead the Fifth.

Zorak:
If you could count that high.

Space Ghost:
Who do you think you are?

Denis Leary:
I think the universe knows who I am, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost:
Then who do you think the universe knows I am, Denis?

Denis Leary:
Space Ghost. And I'm Denis Leary, master of the universe.

Space Ghost:
Master? I know one or two guys who might disagree with you... master!

Denis Leary:
Like who?

Space Ghost:
Yoda.

Denis Leary:
Okay, who else on the list?

[beat]

Space Ghost:
Star Wars.

Brak:
Space Ghost... I think I'm pregnant.

[Zorak and Moltar have occupied Space Ghost's apartments and are hiding under lampshades]

Space Ghost:
Hmmm... these aren't my lamps. These have feet.

[Guest Jon Benjamin, whose monitor is also hidden under a lampshade, chuckles]

Space Ghost:
I'd better go get a new apartment.

[Space Ghost has received a phone call from his wife, Bj?rk]

Space Ghost:
Uh, hey, honey, how are you?

Bj?rk:
Do you like sulfur?

Space Ghost:
Sulfur? Sulfur's my favorite food, honey, you know that. Is that why you called me?

Bj?rk:
Yeah.

Space Ghost:
Oh, great.

Bj?rk:
Can I sing in Icelandic?

Space Ghost:
Uh, not now, honey, please, I'm right in the middle of, a, um... giant space war.

Bj?rk:
I... I enjoy talking to you.

Space Ghost:
Uh, yes you do, but like I said, this, uh, space war, what can I do?

[pause]

Space Ghost:
...aliens.

Bj?rk:
Yeah?

Space Ghost:
Yeah, so, you have to go now.

Bj?rk:
Okay.

Space Ghost:
Okay, so... I'll talk to you when there's... peace. In space.

Zorak:
I got a friend coming by in about five minutes, so, uh... I gotta escape.

Space Ghost:
What are you all gonna do?

Zorak:
I think we're gonna smash light bulbs out by the dumpster.

Zorak:
Moltar, take off your helmet... show me your true face.

Moltar:
Why?

Zorak:
Because, I'm intrigued.

Moltar:
No.

Zorak:
C'mon... I'll be your friend.

Moltar:
NO!

Zorak:
C'mon... I'll give you a dollar.

Moltar:
Okay...

[loud hissing sound]

Zorak:
GOOD GOD!

Space Ghost:
Did you just call me a monkey?

Bob Costas:
How much hair do you have, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost:
Oh, I don't know. Nine. Nine fat stalks!

Bob Costas:
Well, why, Space Ghost, if you weren't concerned about your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps envious of those who have a full head of hair?

[pause]

Space Ghost:
Right.

Space Ghost:
Moltar, flush the lake.

Moltar:
We don't have a lake.

Space Ghost:
Good work.

Space Ghost:
Moltar, what's our depth?

Moltar:
20,000 leagues, sir.

Space Ghost:
Take her to twenty-one.

Moltar:
Twenty-one? But... why?

Space Ghost:
Because it's more fantastical.

Moltar:
Space Ghost, I'm picking up four unidentified heat sources on my monitor screen.

Space Ghost:
Well, they're probably just creatures, Moltar. Space creatures.

Moltar:
They just violated our airspace.

[pause]

Space Ghost:
Bring me my monocle. I want to look rich.

Steven Wright:
Who else is going to be on the show?

Zorak:
Your guts.

Steven Wright:
Oh.

[after viewing a commercial]

Space Ghost:
Finally, a product for me! I believe every word that man just said - because it's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Moltar:
And we're clear.

Space Ghost:
Well, that wasn't very good.

Jerry Springer:
I'm sorry.

Space Ghost:
Oh, no, it's all right, really. You're just not very good.

Sarah Jessica Parker:
Did you create the show?

Space Ghost:
By create, you mean write, produce, direct and star in?

Sarah Jessica Parker:
Yeah.

Space Ghost:
Then, yes. I created it... for you. [whispering] For Christmas!

Sarah Jessica Parker:
In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show.

Space Ghost:
Mmmmmmmm... WILD fantasies.

Sarah Jessica Parker:
You have a... I don't know, something about you.

Space Ghost:
Would you like to have some of my... sex? With me?

[Space Ghost is threatening Zorak]

Jerry Springer:
Whoa!

Space Ghost:
Whoa is what America's going to be saying when I spin his head off so fast it'll TRAVEL BACK IN TIME!

Zorak:
Blah blah blah blah.

Space Ghost:
Oh, you WANT the time-travel spinning head!

Space Ghost:
So, its all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away.

Kevin Smith:
I'd be up for that, I'd sign a waiver.

Space Ghost:
Actually, its a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap...

Zorak:
I am the Lone Locust of the apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky.

Bobcat:
Wooh, Space Ghost, man! Crack a window, will ya!

Space Ghost:
No one sleeps with my grandmother! [pause] Right?

Zorak:
Right! [in the background] From now on.

Space Ghost:
Tell me, Chuck, ever thought of starring in a sequel to The Ten Commandments?

Zorak:
No.

Charlton Heston:
Uh, I don't think so.

Space Ghost:
Not a sequel man, eh?

Zorak:
No.

Charlton Heston:
What other commandments are we going to write?

Zorak:
Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it.

Space Ghost:
[laughs] Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it.

Zorak:
[fake laugh] Jerk.

Charlton Heston:
Yeah, well...

Moltar:
Thou shalt not... hesitate.

Charlton Heston:
I'm kind of committed to the first ten.

Zorak:
Thou shalt not be committed to old commandments!

Space Ghost:
Zorak, one more commandment out of you, and thou shalt be blasted!

Moltar:
Thou shalt not mess with Zorak, or thou shalt have to mess with me!

Space Ghost:
All right, everybody, just calm down!

Moltar:
Thou shalt not calm down!

Charlton Heston:
I hesitate...

Moltar:
Thou shalt not hesitate!

Carl:
[to Little Carl] Shut! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain, which is your body, right out the top of your head, which does not exist!

Space Ghost:
Let's break down these boxes so they store easier!

Zorak:
...That's boring!

Space Ghost:
You don't know from fun!

Carl:
Sales will plummet! All because of this beef-witted Klingon!

Carl:
Fetch daddy's blue fright wig! I must be handsome when I unleash my rage.

Peter Fonda:
I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back was to act like a grown-up, but I've been eight for fifty-six years.

Space Ghost:
Dames are like mustard: they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... mustard.

Zorak:
Wow, Denis Leary! I've seen all your movies.

Denis Leary:
Thank you, thank you.

Zorak:
I didn't think they were very good.

[beat]

Zorak:
What'd you think?

Space Ghost:
[talking to random kids]... and that, kids, is how I saved Christmas. Now get back to work, you Fat Humps!

[singing the Twelve Days of Christmas]

[a horribly failed attempt at the Twelve Days of Christmas]

Council of Doom:
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Black Widow:
Leonard Nimoy Sings!

Tansut:
Four quesadillas!

Lokar:
Three reruns of "What's Happening!"

Metallus:
Two plus eight is ten.

Brak:
Hi, my name is Braaaak!

Space Ghost:
Enough! That was pitiful!

Space Ghost:
Welcome back, stupid viewers! You'll watch anything! Go ahead, change the channel. You'll be back!

[Conan is trying to get Space Ghost to admit that he was once alive]

Conan O'Brien:
[shouts] Face it, space ghost!

Space Ghost:
No!

Conan O'Brien:
You're a spaceman that choked on a muffin!

Space Ghost:
That, Sir, is impossible, because I am allergic to muffins!

Conan O'Brien:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Space Ghost:
Yeah. You're thinking of "Muffin-Hunter". He's different.

Space Ghost:
Dennis, you've played a number of cops. Tell us how you came to be Robocop - the ultimate cop!

Dennis Miller:
Well, listen, I had, uh, done a one-man show as Peter Weller called "Give 'Em Hell, Peter" for years off-Broadway...

Space Ghost:
Hang on, Peter. I'm way too angry to check out each off-Broadway production of "Robocop." I'll wait until it's on-Way!

Space Ghost:
Hey, have you heard my famous story?

[beat]

Space Ghost:
It starts in a couple of minutes.

[beat]

Space Ghost:
Beat. A long beat.

Dennis Miller:
[laughing] C'mon, what, do you need an edit point, Space Ghost?

Space Ghost:
The race war had begun.

[cartoon stock footage of missiles and robots appears]

Space Ghost:
Machines were building robot babies to replace other babies. Everyone knows what happened next.

[cartoon stock footage of surfing teens]

Space Ghost:
The end!

Dennis Miller:
[laughs]

Space Ghost:
Written by Space Ghost! Robots by ILM... and Space Ghost!

[beat]

Space Ghost:
George Lucas by Space Ghost! House lights up, people leave theater. Trash... everywhere.

Space Ghost:
Bears are Crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing a steak on it.

Space Ghost:
I have a giant brain that is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer.

Space Ghost:
Can you all come down to jail and get me out of jail? 'Cause guess where I am. [pause] JAIL.

Space Ghost:
[to Master Shake] You need to chill out, and shut your lid cup, or else it'll be time to shake it up! [pause] And the drinks are on me. [pause] Cause I'm tired of milking this shake. And there's no... free refills this time. [pause] Excuse me Mam but the machine seems to be out of ice and, I just purchased this. [longer pause] Let me, let me rework this.

Space Ghost:
I saw a yard gnome once. It didn't scare me!

[Space Ghost follows ant that had bit him]

Space Ghost:
That's right, I'm following you. Just keep walking. For every 300 steps your little ant feet take I take only 1

Space Ghost:
That's it, run, run home. Take me to your family, for they will pay with my vengeance.

[Hidden door opens revealing giant ant 5 stories high]

Space Ghost:
Hey, your son just bit me, here. I wanna know what *you're* gonna do about it

[after pause giant ant screeches, chases Space Ghost]

Space Ghost:
[while running away] Your son is a moron!

Moltar:
Show me the heinie!

Zorak:
Put your pants on.

Space Ghost:
Will you please keep your mind on the music?

Zorak:
I can't. It's mating season.

Space Ghost:
So, what's the big deal? Unless... Zorak, is it your first time?

Zorak:
Don't be ridiculous. I've mated, uh, lots of times.

Moltar:
Wait a minute. That can't be true!

Zorak:
And why not?

Moltar:
Because your head's still attached to your body.

Isaac Hanson:
Do we get a cool, invisible... Thing?

Zac Hanson:
One of those belt things?

Space Ghost:
Seat belts? Those are for nerds! You boys aren't nerds, are ya? 'Cause this ain't the nerd taxi.

Space Ghost:
It's a free country!

Snakefish:
Then you're still free to bite my ass, huh?

Space Ghost:
Yeah, bring your snake-ass over here and say that!

Snakefish:
I just did and you didn't do anything!

Space Ghost:
I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country.

Space Ghost:
Now, you boys have teeth, don't ya?

Zac Hanson:
What?

Space Ghost:
Look at that! Three boys with teeth. And hair... Beautiful girl hair...

Zac Hanson:
What are you trying to say?

Space Ghost:
The little one looks like Claudia Schiffer.

Space Ghost:
You ever work with Lassie?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:
If by "working," you mean "bang up the ass," then yes... I have "worked" with her.

Space Ghost:
Ho ho! Heh... Ah-huh. Whe-heh. [Turns to Zorak] You hear what that guy said?

Zorak:
[Turns to Space Ghost]... No. [Turns back]

Space Ghost:
[Small giggle] He said he "banged a dog up the you-know-what."

Zorak:
[Turns to Space Ghost]... No... [Looks at camera, then turns back]

Space Ghost:
Can you say "bang a dog up the ass" on T.V.?

Zorak:
[Turns to Space Ghost]... No. [Turns back]

Space Ghost:
Anything happen?

Zorak:
Um... I think some money came in.

Space Ghost:
Really? Hang on... [Clears throat] Ooookay... I, *too*, *banged a dog up the a... *

Space Ghost:
[Please stand by] [Cheesy music playing] [Space Ghost is in Moltar's director's lair] Oh, come on, Moltar! It's not like it was *alive* or anything.

Moltar:
They can take you off the air for that kind of sh*t... Duh... Brrrph... I mean... stuff.

Space Ghost:
When did you become such a "Puritan?" [Space Ghost teleports back to his desk]

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:
Can we talk about some of the songs for a second?

Space Ghost:
Sure, we can talk about anything...

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:
Yes...

Space Ghost:
...So long as "Sister Mary Moltar" isn't in the room!

Moltar:
You're really diggin' yourself a *deep hole*!

Space Ghost:
[On Moltar's monitor] A hole that I will *bang my way ou... *

Space Ghost:
[Please stand by] [Space Ghost is back with Moltar] Calm down with this "religion!" [Triumph starts making out with a sheep sock-puppet on the monitor]

Moltar:
You know, all this salty language... See, it ain't helpin' the found...

Space Ghost:
[Interrupting] All I know, Moltar, is that I'm trying to create a "Retardo"-free society.

Moltar:
Well, you'll probably have the thanks of... all the retarded people watching.

Space Ghost:
They're not retarded, Moltar... "Retardo" is the name of the disease, ok? I named it... And tonight with this cute little dog's help... [Triumph is on the monitor humping the sheep sock-puppet]... We're going to find a cure.

Space Ghost:
I'm gonna go to the desk, now...

Zorak:
You go ahead and *try*. You see what you get.

[teleports to the desk]

Space Ghost:
Here I am now... At the desk.

Moltar:
[shouts] You got lucky, Pal!

Zorak:
You try it *next time*! You see what you get!

Space Ghost:
Look, Moe. He's trying to tell us something. What is it, boy? There's trouble? Trouble at the farm? Farms have chickens. What is it, boy? Speak! Speak, boy! Just come out and say it! Out with it, man!

[Teller pulls a deck of cards out of his mouth one-by-one and throws them all over the place]

Space Ghost:
Ew... That's disgusting! Don't think you're not cleaning that up. [Teller gets up and walks away]

Council of Doom:
[to the tune of "12 Days of Christmas"] On the first Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Brak:
Hi my name is Brak!

Council of Doom:
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Metallus:
Two plus eight is ten!

Brak:
Hi my name is Brak!

Council of Doom:
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Lokar:
Three reruns of "What's Happening!"

Metallus:
Two plus eight is ten!

Brak:
Hi my name is Brak!

Council of Doom:
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Tansut:
Four quesadillas!

Lokar:
Three reruns of "What's Happening!"

Metallus:
Two plus eight is ten!

Brak:
Hi my name is Brak!

Council of Doom:
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Black Widow:
Leonard Nimoy sings!

Tansut:
Four quesadillas!

Lokar:
Three reruns of "What's Happening!"

Metallus:
Two plus eight is ten!

Brak:
Hi my name is Braaaaaaa...

Space Ghost aka Tad Ghostal:
Enough!

Brak:
...aaaaaaaaaak!

Space Ghost aka Tad Ghostal:
That was pitiful!

Space Ghost:
[Appears and looks around]

Zorak:
Uga Buga!

Space Ghost:
[Looks at Zorak] Zorak, take off the mask

Zorak:
What mask?

Space Ghost:
You KNOW what mask I'm talking about.

Zorak:
...No I don't.

Space Ghost:
Yes you do, you're wearing it RIGHT now!

Zorak:
...No I'm not.

[leaps over keyboard and runs away]

Space Ghost:
Come back here you Godforsaken mantis!

[chases after Zorak]

Zorak:
[Off screen] MWU HAHAHAHA!

Space Ghost:
[off screen] YOU DO HAVE A MASK!

Zorak:
I am becoming...

Announcer:
Meanwhile, at the bandstand, a hideous mutation rears its ugly head. So hideous, that it must be...

[a big "CENSORED" appears over a black screen]

Announcer:
...censored.

Zorak:
[explosion, Zorak is now in a Batman suit] I shiver with power. I ache with disease. I am Batmantis!

Space Ghost aka Tad Ghostal:
Ahhh!

[shoots Batmantis]

Zorak:
Wait!

["BLAP!"]

Space Ghost aka Tad Ghostal:
Oh, it's you! Good costume. Look! Shoot a ray, and you get a word.

[shoots with an "OBVIOUS PARODY!"]

Zorak:
Shoot an adjective.

["INSIPID!"]

Zorak:
Shoot a proper noun!

["KENNY ROGERS!"]

Zorak:
Shoot the theory of evolution!

["The Theory of Evolution is derived from the writings of one Charles "Chuck" Darwin, an 18th century physicist and poet. Darwin's Theory is that the fittest or most adaptable member of any given species will survive. This is quite unusual as Chuck was a pasty and sickly boy, prone to long hospital stays due to infectious bouts with everything from pneumonia to paper cuts. How odd it is then that the man who originated this theorem was himself a very poor example of any lifeform, let alone his own species. By his very existence Darwin disproved the theory he dedicated his life to, and was summarily discharged from the Royal and Ancient Order of Scientists and Other Odd Fellowes. He ended up a destitute after residing in burrowed out holes in the streets of his beloved England, not unlike the moles he once studied."]

Space Ghost:
[to Michael Norman] Look, Mister Expert, I don't need you coming on my show and making me feel stupid! I get enough of that from my staff!

Bill Nye:
You must be part of science that we don't understand yet, that's what I figure.

Space Ghost:
[in the form of Bill Clinton's voice] You hear that, Zorak? Keep talking, Bill.

Bill Nye:
You're from stuff that's too complicated for us at our level, right now, to get.

Space Ghost:
You know what, Bill? Perhaps I am. [smile sparkles]

Space Ghost:
Mike, tell the universe what you know about ghosts.

Michael Norman:
The, uh, the ghosts of Halloween are nothing like ghosts in real life.

Space Ghost:
You don't say!

Michael Norman:
Ghosts exist in a, in a plane or in a time, uh, that is, when they lived, in other words, they don't exist on the same level, on the same plane that we do.

Space Ghost:
Meaning ghosts are wiser and more sophisticated than certain other beings, of course.

[Zorak begins vibrating]

Space Ghost:
Zorak! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica!

[heavy metal plays]

Space Ghost:
Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls! I'll save you.

[blasts Zorak]

Zorak:
That went on for... ever. Luckily, Boston came by and picked me up.

Space Ghost:
Oh, bull.

Zorak:
They said they needed a keyboardist, and I said, "I'm your man-tis."

Moltar:
The trueness of one's truth, Zorak, is clearly based on their vernacular inaccuracies.

Space Ghost:
Wanna see my tattoo?

[a zipper unzips and David Cross and Bob Odenkirk groan]

Space Ghost:
It's a cute, little panda swinging from a branch.

Moltar:
*That* is a hairy panda!

Space Ghost:
I ask you a question, but be careful: if you get it wrong, you get blasted! If you get it right...

[pause]

Space Ghost:
...you get blasted!

Space Ghost:
What is the main ingredient in my mom's delicious cheeseburger pie?

[Odenkirk whispers to Cross; bell dings]

David Cross:
J?germeister.

[buzzer]

Space Ghost:
Right! It's ketchup!

[blasts Odenkirk again]

Space Ghost:
Moltar, are you aware of the health risks caused by tall boys?

Moltar:
Uh, yeah, but... it makes ya FEEL LIKE A COWBOY!

[pause]

Space Ghost:
It does?

Moltar:
Maybe you should drink some water.

Space Ghost:
You drink some water with your ass!

Jeff Probst:
I mean, I know you have a director. Does he actually... does he do anything, or does...

Space Ghost:
Shut up, little man!

[sprays his beer can at the screen]

Space Ghost:
Dah! You have a drinking problem, don't I?

Space Ghost:
[fighting a bear] Shark, help!

Space Ghost:
Willie, who wrote the extremely famous phrase "a shark on whiskey is mighty risky; a shark on beer is a beer engineer"?

Space Ghost:
Bears are crazy, Willie. They'll bite your head if you're wearing steak on it.

Space Ghost:
[narrating a nature documentary] Why do sharks explode? This is because sometimes, their brains and sexual organs are made out of M-80s. Sometimes, to attract mates, a shark will explode... and sometimes, they explode just to attract giant killer bees.

Zorak:
[prank calling Space Ghost] Please! Help me! I am being attacked!

Moltar:
And you're a woman.

Zorak:
And, uh, I'm a woman.

Moltar:
Hang up. He'll be here any minute.

Space Ghost:
[on the other end] She'd be dead by the time I got there.

Space Ghost:
ATTENTION! [standing outside his apartment speaking through a megaphone] I HAVE THE KEYS! IT IS MY APARTMENT!

Zorak:
Oh no, the keys!

Space Ghost:
[speaking through the megaphone] IF YOU'RE WATCHING MY CABLE, PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT'S ON!

Zorak:
What about our unreasonable demands?

Space Ghost:
[speaking through the megaphone again] YOU DIDN'T LIST ANY. LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOVIE IS GOING DIRECTLY TO VIDEO. VIDEO PRISON!

Zorak:
Oh yeah? Well, we're sending Benjamin out in pieces!

Space Ghost:
[still speaking through the megaphone] THAT'LL BE FINE. JUST DON'T TOUCH MY TV, OKAY? OR YOU'RE - KING DEAD! [clears his throat] SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU ALL WATCHING?

Zorak:
Hang on. It's, it's on, but we're not watching it.

Space Ghost:
[final speech through the megaphone] YOU'RE WASTING IT! I'M COMING IN!

Space Ghost:
Jack Lord! It's Dr. Nightmare, my arch-enemy!

Dr. Nightmare:
That's Dr. Nightmare, attorney at law, Mr. Fat Boy. I got my degree at space prison after you unjustly sent me up the galactic river.

Space Ghost:
Unjustly? You vibroshocked three galaxies out of existence! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! And then you tried to steal my brain!

Zorak:
Petty larceny.

Space Ghost:
Do you mind, Zorak? I'm getting sued here.

Zorak:
I don't mind. Go ahead and get sued. See if I care.

Space Ghost:
Ooh, mama, am I nervous. Sweatin' like a Trekkie. I smell like oil of Olestra.

Black Widow:
You look really good in those tights, honey.

Space Ghost:
Eww! Yucky!

Zorak:
Death to Lokar.

Lokar:
Oh, please, Zorak, your insipid habit of barking out ludicrous commands is nothing more than a blatant display of your lack of intelligence.

Zorak:
What in Andromeda's name is going on?

Birdman:
But,you're supposed to be in jail.

Space Ghost:
Yeah,and you're supposed to be dumpster diving for ham scraps,you six peice Chicken McNobody! Get outta my seat!

Birdman:
Make me.

Moltar:
Your wife's on the phone again.

Space Ghost:
Uh, tell her I exploded and tell her it was very sad and that the last thing I said was "make sure my wife moves out of my condo."

Moltar:
She says it's an emergency.

Space Ghost:
Emergency? Patch her through.

[Bj?rk is patched through]

Bj?rk:
I have to go to the toilet.

Space Ghost:
You remember the difference between the toilet and the sofa, right?

Bj?rk:
I think so.

Space Ghost:
And remember how angry I got.

Bj?rk:
It smells like bad eggs.

Space Ghost:
Because that's what happens when you boil the cushions of the couch you've been urinating on.

Bj?rk:
Yeah?

Space Ghost:
Oh-oh, and as long as I've got you here: tell that French DJ, Tricky, to move out!

Bj?rk:
What's his name again?

Space Ghost:
I don't know, he's your damned friend.

Bj?rk:
And I would love to introduce you to him.

Space Ghost:
I've met him. He's living on our couch with the urine. And tell him to stop letting in strangers to listen to his new beats.

Bj?rk:
It makes all the children happy.

Space Ghost:
Honey, those aren't children... they're packets of cream cheese.

Bj?rk:
Sometimes I can't separate between the two, do you know that?

Space Ghost:
Yeah. I wish I had known that when we were just dating.

Bj?rk:
You have a mask, has anybody told - ?

Space Ghost:
Uh, honey? I buried a present for you out in the yard.

Bj?rk:
Yeah?

Space Ghost:
Yeah... why don't you go dig it up?

[Bj?rk says something in Icelandic]

Space Ghost:
Yeah. Well, I'll tell him you said that.

Zorak:
Hey, um, uh... what did you bury?

Space Ghost:
Her mother.

Zorak:
Cool.

Space Ghost:
No, Zorak, it's just a bagel she started calling "mother".

Space Ghost:
Let's drink until our hearts stop.

Moltar:
[Auto-Tuned] Oh, yeah! Welcome to the Moltar Show!

Thom Yorke:
Thank you very much, Moltar.

Moltar:
Thank *you* very much, Thom Yorke, for sitting next to the Man... of the Century! Oh, yeah!

Thom Yorke:
You're very self-assured. You're very much a nineties man.

Maxcy Nolan:
Is it possible that under that red vest...

[Zorak is wearing a blue vest]

Maxcy Nolan:
...red vest,

[Zorak is wearing a red vest]

Maxcy Nolan:
he is carrying an extra set of arms that no-one has found out about yet?

Space Ghost:
Euuh! Barf!

Zorak:
Actually, that's where I keep my Mint?s. Das Freshmaker!

Space Ghost:
Have you ever dipped a mantis into rich, creamy milk chocolate?

Maxcy Nolan:
One thing that I find just most... absolutely amazing about the mantises is the fact that they can stand motionless for hours, literally not moving any body part that is visible.

[Zorak stands completely motionless for a while]

Zorak:
Actually, nobody moves much in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.