Still Standing

Judy:
What are you going to do while I'm having book club?

Bill:
Probably order a pizza and watch Behind the Music.

Judy:
Who's on tonight?

Bill:
Who cares? Someone's gonna get fat, someone's gonna go broke, and someone's gonna find God... I love that show.

Judy:
So, how was work?

Bill:
Judy, I sell toilets. Let's save thirty seconds out of each day and assume that it sucked until further notice!

Bill:
So son, why didn't you join the football team?

Brian Miller:
Well, it was getting in the way of my debate team practices.

Bill:
You never told me you were on the debate team!

Brian Miller:
Yes, I did.

Bill:
No, you didn't.

Brian Miller:
Yes, I did

Bill:
Damn, you're good

Bill:
Come on Judy, let's go brain storm.

Brian Miller:
That'll be a light drizzle.

Bill:
Judy, who would want to go to a Mother's Day high tea?

Brian Miller:
Wow, did someone say high tea? Can I go?

Judy:
No, Brian, it's a mother-daughter tradition in my family. And Lauren is going for the first time!

Brian Miller:
That's not fair. I'd appreciate a high tea more than her.

Bill:
Pick a team, son. Pick a team.

Judy:
You kids shouldn't drink alcohol. It's dangerous and makes you do stupid things.

Bill:
[laughs] Hey, Judy, remember that time when I was a senior in high school, and got so drunk that I... [Judy glares] uh, fell to my death?

Judy:
Bill, why are you hosing down the backyard?

Bill:
Simple. When our lesbian neighbors see how muddy and disgusting our backyard is, they'll give us that zoning permit to build a deck and a video of them playing shower games with each other.

Bill:
[running to the bathroom] This could be a photo finish!

Bill:
I'll have you know I graduated second out of my class... among the three of us that had to finish up over the summer.

Judy:
Is it just me, or is Bonnie getting a little bossy?

Bill:
No, you're bossy too.

Lauren Miller:
Dad, I need some help with my homework.

Bill:
Yeah, I know, I've seen your grades.

Bill:
This family supports each other.

Lauren Miller:
Since when?

Judy:
Okay, it's something new we're trying.

Brian Miller:
This is Chris. He's our new neighbor, and he's also in some of my A.P. classes, so I'm just showing him the ropes.

Lauren Miller:
[to Chris] Did he show you the one in gym he can't climb?

Judy:
Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all his money?

Lauren Miller:
Apparently, not hiding it as well as I hide mine.

Bill:
You have money?

Lauren Miller:
No.

Judy:
Come on in, kids, Dad took care of dinner!

Tina Miller:
Yay, pizza!

Judy:
No, he made a meal.

Tina Miller:
Yay, frozen pizza!

Bill:
What's for dinner?

Judy:
Remember what we had last night? Cream of that.

Bill:
I'll go talk to the boy. I'm a toilet salesman, I know how to get stuff out of people.

Bill:
There's a kite club?

Brian Miller:
Yeah, I'm vice-president.

Bill:
So, if the president can't fulfill his duties, *you* get beat up by the football team.

Judy:
Don't you think there's a little double-standard there?

Bill:
Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own.

Judy:
I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.

[the doorbell rings]

Judy:
Can somebody get that?

Brian Miller:
Busy!

Tina Miller:
Busy!

Bill:
Lazy!

Judy:
[Reading a letter that Bill wrote in the event of his death] Dear Judy: Snow shovels behind the garage. XO, Dead Bill. P.S.-Boo.

Bill:
No, no! You have to read it in a scary voice, like this- Booooo!

Brian Miller:
[Bill and Judy come to Brian's school] Oh no, it IS you two!

Judy:
What do you mean, 'it is us'?

Brian Miller:
Everyone's saying that a hooker and her parole officer are walking around looking for me. I was hoping...

Bill:
Hear that, Judy? I'm married to a hooker!

Bill:
Why did I marry for looks instead of money?

Judy:
Why did I marry for neither?

Lauren Miller:
Dad, Mom's being totally unfair.

Bill Miller:
Yeah. She does that.

Lauren Miller:
Beat it, squirt, and put some clothes on.

Tina Miller:
Shut up, stupid. Mom said to take my clothes off.

Judy Miller:
But, remember, the underwear stays on till after dinner.

Bill Miller:
Same rules as when we were dating.

Bill Miller:
[in response to his son asking for advice on catching a girl's interest] So, what's your plan of action?

Brian Miller:
Well, I've just been helping her with her school work, and carrying her books, listening to her problems...

Bill Miller:
Well, that's all well and good, son, if you wanna become a member of the Never-touch-a-booby tribe.

Brian Miller:
The what?

Bill Miller:
Close the door, son. Help is here.

Brian Miller:
[on the prospect of dating a college student] Dad, what am I thinking? She's it! She sleeps in a dorm with other hot women; I sleep in jammies with a humidifier.

Danny 'Fitz' Fitzsimmons:
I had a secret admirer once. He gets out of prison in five years.

Judy Miller:
So, you hit the ceiling when a senior asked Lauren to the dance, but it's okay for Brian to date a college freshman. Don't you think there's a little double standard there?

Bill Miller:
Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another, different standard for Lauren. That way they each get their own.

Judy Miller:
I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I ever heard but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.

Bill Miller:
All I'm saying is: girls are easily tricked. It's not their fault. They're born that way.

Judy Miller:
I'm glad I waited.

Brian Miller:
[irate, about Bill and Judy catching him kissing a girl in his bedroom] Haven't you two ever heard of KNOCKING?

Judy Miller:
[seriously but then giggling] Yeah, we just never thought we'd have to.

Bill Miller:
A pity kiss is still a kiss, son. And you know what that can lead to.

Judy Miller:
[patting Bill] A pity marriage.

Bill Miller:
[love advice to Brian, like an athletics team speech] All right. I want you to take a knee and listen up. You have a tutor within your grasp and you're just gonna let her go? Shame on you! Sure, you're not the coolest kid on the block. Sure, she's an older, experienced woman. But if nerds from 80's movies have told us anything is: you do what you have to to get the girl. You invent love potion. You date a mannequin. Hell, if you have to, you become a teen wolf.

Judy Miller:
Brian, what's the matter? You've been starin' at that book for over an hour.

Brian Miller:
I don't wanna talk about it.

Tina Miller:
He's got a crush on a girl at school.

Brian Miller:
[darkly] Shut up.

Tina Miller:
[unphased] Her name is Carrie Tyler and she doesn't know he's alive.

Lauren Miller:
With a little bit of work you could actually be a... [visibly nauseous at saying this]... a pretty good-looking guy. [pleased about not vomiting] Wow, I kept it down.

Bill Miller:
Listen. Guys need encouragement. You think Mrs. Columbus ever said to Christopher "Don't discover the new world - we're fine with the spices we have?"

Bill Miller:
[enters bathroom; Judy's relaxed in the tub with candles around her] You look comfortable.

Judy Miller:
[dreamily] Hello.

Bill Miller:
Mind some company?

Judy Miller:
Honey, no offense, but I wanted a little room for the water.

Judy Miller:
[putting on coat] Don't tell the kids.

Bill Miller:
[putting on coat] You're right , we don't want to panic 'em.

Brian Miller:
[entering] Panic me about what?

Bill Miller:
Nothing. You're mother and I just have to rush down to the hospital.

Brian Miller:
The hospital?

Bill Miller:
It's no big deal. If you need us we'll be in the cardiac arrest ward.

Brian Miller:
The cardiac ward?

Judy Miller:
[now outside] Nice job not panicking him, Bill.

Bill Miller:
[now outside] What? At least I didn't tell him it was Grandpa.

Brian Miller:
[from behind the closed front door] Grandpa?

Bill Miller:
[seeing his father laying unconscious in a hospital bed] Judy, this has got to be serious. My dad never goes to doctors. This is a guy who once told me a little gangrene never hurt anybody.

Judy Miller:
...You might not want our daughter doin' the things WE did.

Bill Miller:
Fine. I'll spend some time with my daughter so she won't end up like you.

Judy Miller:
S'all I'm askin'.

Bill Miller:
[about the father/daughter skating party at school] How come you didn't invite me to that?

Lauren Miller:
Well, I started to but you were watching the Bulls game and the other team scored and you made me leave because you said I was bad luck.

Lauren Miller:
This house is a prison.

Judy Miller:
Tell me about it. I've been in this joint for 15 years and I still don't know what I did wrong.

Judy:
I used to work out all the time!

Linda Michaels:
Running from the cops is not working out!

Bill Miller:
[highly upset] Where've ya been? You were supposed to be here at 1:00. I had a golf game!

Judy:
You could have gone.

Bill Miller:
It's an exclusive course. I couldn't get in it without the ring.

Judy:
[wearing the ring like a pendant] Well, I couldn't have gotten in to the private dress sale or out of a speeding ticket. For the first time, a cop is lookin' at my chest for all the wrong reasons.

Bill Miller:
[on dating] It's not easy out there.

Judy Miller:
[raiding he icebox while just in his underwear] No, but obviously your sister is.

Bill Miller:
Give her a break. She's still waiting for the right guy. She's not willing to settle like I did.

Judy Miller:
[turning to face her, with a beer in one hand and a hotdog in the other] How did you settle?

Bill Miller:
Says a man with no pants and a raw wiener in his hand.

Judy Miller:
[grinning] Is that a come-on?

Eric:
[watching pro-wrestling with Bill] Oh, he's got him in a subatomic headlock. [pow] Ow, that's gotta hurt.

Bill Miller:
Actually, I can tell you from experience, that does hurt.

Eric:
You a wrestler?

Bill Miller:
No, just married.

Eric:
[while watching TV with Bill] Now we're out of beer.

Bill Miller:
Ah, maybe it's just as well. It'll give me some more time to spend with my kids. [calling] Brian!

Brian Miller:
[from upstairs] What?

Bill Miller:
Come down here. I wanna talk to you.

Brian Miller:
[coming down] Really?

Bill Miller:
Yeah. How ya doin'? Gimme a beer.

Eric:
Wow, Bill, that's not very nice.

Bill Miller:
No, no, hold on, Brian. Eric's right. Grab him one , too.

Judy Miller:
You shaved? At six o'clock at night?

Bill Miller:
Why's that so unusual?

Judy Miller:
You didn't shave on our wedding day.

Bill Miller:
In all fairness, neither did you.

Eric:
[driving Bill home] Man, that was a pretty good barbecue, huh?

Bill Miller:
Pretty good? If those ribs were sex, I'd be asleep right now.

Bill Miller:
Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to be with another man.

Judy Miller:
[settling in to watch TV with Bill] You wanna beer?

Bill Miller:
Yeah.

Judy Miller:
Get me one, too.

Bill Miller:
[calling] Brian!

Brian Miller:
[from upstairs] Get your own beer!

Bill Miller:
I'm a good guy, right?

Brian Miller:
Dad, before you go any further, if you and Mom are breaking up, I'm going with HER.

Judy Miller:
I have to go with Linda to some stupid French pastry class every Thursday for the next six weeks.

Bill Miller:
[calmly] Ah, you know, she's your sister and it's important to support her.

Judy Miller:
We don't get to bring any of the pastries home.

Bill Miller:
[angrily] Well, then, that bows!

Bill Miller:
[why Brian should play football] I never got hurt when I played.

Judy Miller:
Yeah, well, look at you. You got bigger bones and a thick candy coating.

Bill Miller:
The kid needs exercise. He's always cooped up in his room studying. It's like we're raising veal.

Judy Miller:
No, it's not. If he were veal you would have breaded and fried him by now,

Bill Miller:
You never told me you were on the debate team.

Brian Miller:
Yes, I did.

Bill Miller:
No, you didn't.

Brian Miller:
Yes, I did.

Bill Miller:
Oh, you're good!

Brian Miller:
People in the front, let me heard you grunt - eh!

Judy Miller:
Did you finally clear the driveway?

Bill Miller:
Yup.

Judy Miller:
Did you put back the snowblower?

Bill Miller:
Yup.

Judy Miller:
Did the neighbors catch you?

Bill Miller:
No.

Judy Miller:
Bill, I am SO excited that we get to have our own Christmas this year. Whadda ya say we ditch the fake tree and go to one of those lots and cut down a live one?

Bill Miller:
Ooo, it's beginning to smell a lot like effort.

Judy Miller:
When do I get to have the Christmas Eve dinner that I'VE always dreamed of, with turkey... or beef... or whatever the hell it is I've decided I've always dreamed of?

Judy Miller:
You know, the kids are gettin' older, and there're only so many holidays left that we can legally make them spend with us.

Louise Miller:
[answering the door] Billy!

Bill Miller:
Hi. Mom.

Louise Miller:
What a surprise! You came over without me ever calling you three or four times - but who's counting.

Bill Miller:
Other than you, nobody.

Stacy:
Can I use your bathroom? If I sneeze I'm gonna tickle - and I'm gonna sneeze.

Bill Miller:
Brian, why is the TV off?

Brian Miller:
Because I turned it off.

Bill Miller:
Oh, God, I thought it was broken.

Lauren Miller:
Dad, I need some help with my homework.

Bill Miller:
[chuckling] Yeah, know, I've seen your grade

Bill Miller:
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing you should dress a goose in is a gravy sport coat and sweet potato slacks.

Judy Miller:
When did I stop taking chances and become someone who has settled for so little?

Bill Miller:
Good thing I don't have feelings.

Judy Miller:
It's not just you, it's the whole life we've built together.

Bill Miller:
Oh, yeah, that takes the sting out.

Judy Miller:
Everyday it's the same thing: Get up, go to work, make a meal, have sex, get up, go to work, make a meal, have sex.

Bill Miller:
Ah, Honey, you're looking at this the wrong way: You get up! Go to work! Make a meal! Have sex! And, uh, by the way, who's this guy you're having sex with after every meal?

Bill Miller:
Lollipops on ivy and gumdrops on kittens. Isn't that a song?

Bill:
Brian, I am so disappointed in you! You spend all afternoon at the strip club and you didn't bring any wings home for me?

Tina Miller:
I wanna watch my Tiny Force video again.

Judy Miller:
Again?

Bill Miller:
Won't have to put the tape in, Tina. Just listen to Daddy's head, 'cause it's always playin' in here.

Tina Miller:
[putting an ear to his scalp] I don't hear anything.

Judy Miller:
Try his tummy. There's like a whole marching band going on in there.

Bill Miller:
Yeah, the corn beef section's tuning up right now.

Judy Miller:
Bill, we need to encourage our daughter to do better. I mean, I think the reason we were lazy is because we never had to help Brian or motivate him to do his homework.

Bill Miller:
Yeah, I loved that little freak of nature.

Linda Michaels:
It's so nice to see you guys have finally taken an interest in junior high. Only took you 25 years.

Bill Miller:
Hey, when you have kids, I'm sure you and donor sample 3256'll feel the same way we do.

Judy Miller:
There's nothing funny about your sister being in honor science.

Brian Miller:
[chuckling] Well, you want me to stop laughing but you keep saying it.

Brian Miller:
So let me get this straight: You want me to help you help Lauren cheat.

Bill Miller:
Preferably without her knowing.

Brian Miller:
Are there ANY rules in this house anymore?

Linda Michaels:
Okay, listen up, 'cause I got some hot gossip.

Bill Miller:
Yeah, yeah. Your cat's having kittens; you don't know who the father is.

Bill Miller:
And they said we weren't fit to bring children into this world. Where are those people now?

Judy Miller:
At my parent's house.

Bill Miller:
Yup.

Maxwell 'Mack' McDaniel:
[about their boy's night out at a restaurant] You can come if you want.

Judy Miller:
You sure?

Maxwell 'Mack' McDaniel:
Yeah, but I gotta warn you about the language. You know, some of the guys are a little sensitive, so if you could, clean it up a little bit tonight.

Lexi:
[laughing] Sorry. Sometimes I snort.

Bill Miller:
Oh, let me guess. You're a Taurus. Ha-ha-ha. [to Judy] I asked her if she was a Taurus.

Judy Miller:
I know.

Bill Miller:
Like the bull.

Judy Miller:
Oh, really. I thought you meant the car.

Judy Miller:
I ordered the ribs with the sauce on the side. You just brought me the sauce on the side.

Lexi:
Oh, you're right. [consolingly] This is not your fault.

Judy Miller:
I ordered the ribs, and I waited for them till mine were showing.

Judy Miller:
D'you have a good day at work?

Bill Miller:
[all in one breath] Oh, it's not work when you do something you love and I sell toilets so it's work.

Judy Miller:
[to the mailman, over flirting] We're not freaks. We' just been married a long time, so we need a little attention from strangers.

Bill Miller:
Which is what you provide for my wife.

Judy Miller:
[to Linda] Are you sure you wanna get married in a veterans hall?

Bill Miller:
Ah, it makes sense, Judy. Your sister and this place have opened their doors to a lot of grizzled old sailors.

Judy Miller:
Bill, what're we gonna do about this wedding?

Bill Miller:
Same thing we do at every wedding: drink a lot, eat a lot and tape our card to somebody else's gift.

Linda Michaels:
[sitting at a restaurant] Ooo, this is nice. What's the occasion? Why'd we have to get all dressed up?

Judy Miller:
Well, I thought we'd go out for a nice dinner and talk about what kind of bachelorette party you'd like.

Linda Michaels:
Well... I guess I'm too old for strippers and drinking.

Judy Miller:
No, you're not.

Linda Michaels:
Oh, good! Let's do that!

Linda Michaels:
[entering front door with Perry] Hello. We're back from the honeymoon.

Judy Miller:
[cheerfully] Aloha! How was Cleveland?

Perry:
I'm now officially in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Linda Michaels:
Yeah, he wrote his name on the bathroom wall.

Bill Miller:
I'm in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Bill Miller:
[looking at the pizza Judy brought home] Wow. Sausage, onion and bacon.

Brian Miller:
I thought we weren't allowed to have this kind of pizza since Dad's Night of a Thousand Trombones.

Judy Miller:
Oh, that's why we have windows.

Bill Miller:
After you went upstairs all Hell broke loose. Tina ate too much ice cream and started jumpin' up and down on the couch, which set of Brian's motion sickness, which made Lauren laugh so hard she shot root beer float through her nose.

Brian Miller:
Well, I can't go upstairs - Count Chocula might be hiding under my bed.

Judy Miller:
I've had a taste of being "good cop" and I like it. I like it a lot.

Judy Miller:
How was karate?

Brian Miller:
I broke a board with my head.

Judy Miller:
Really?

Brian Miller:
Well, actually I lost my balance trying to kick and fell into a wall, but a board did break.

Brian Miller:
This house is out of control! We need boundaries! [Tina enters, face smeared with chocolate cake] Look at this! You're all sticky! Come on. We're gonna get you a bath and a hot meal.

Tina Miller:
Thank you, Brian.

Bill Miller:
I can be "bad cop" every once in a while. I'm not gonna lie to ya, Judy - it's nice pushin' small people around.

Brian Miller:
Randy Moskaut is only 14 and he gets to drive the car all the time!

Judy:
...You don't have a friend named Randy Moskaut!

Brian Miller:
Yeah, ok, but mom...

Bill Miller:
[after seeing Brian proudly wear his new cheerleader sweater] All the time I prayed to God he'd get into a cheerleader's sweater, I probably should've been more specific.

Lauren Miller:
I used to be popular, but now that I'm in high school I'm just a big loser like Brian.

Brian Miller:
[calling out from the other room] I heard that!

Madelyne Beck:
Wait, are you Lauren Miller's father?

Bill Miller:
That's what the courts say.

Judy Miller:
What're you doing?

Bill Miller:
Lookin' at my hands. You ever notice how elegant they are? [holds hand up to Judy's face]

Judy Miller:
Bill, whatever you stuck your hand in while I was gone I'm not smellin' it.

Danny 'Fitz' Fitzsimmons:
[to Bill] So your hot wife wants you to go down to the school and flirt with your daughter's hot drama teacher? My wife has a cow when I hang onto Mrs. Butterworth's bottle too long.

Linda Michaels:
Does your wife let you put your feet up on the coffee table?

Danny 'Fitz' Fitzsimmons:
Wife doesn't care where I put my feet. It's my hands she's got rules about.

Bill Miller:
I told you she had a thing for me.

Judy Miller:
Yeah, but I didn't know you thing-ed her back.

Linda Michaels:
Wow. That Johnny is a great guy, don't you think? He's kind. He's polite.

Judy Miller:
He just grabbed my ass.

Judy Miller:
[hoping to entrap Johnny] Now keep your eyes on my butt all night long.

Lauren Miller:
[painfully making it up on the spot] Little Miss Nana, Sat on a banana, Eating her cheeseball and wine, Then along came her birthday, Which was surf n turf day At Denny's for $8.99.

Louise Miller:
[getting teary-eyed] I think that was my favorite present.

Jerry Bergner:
[to Bill and the other poker buddies] If my mom looked like Judy, I'd marry her. You know what I mean.

Judy Miller:
I've done six loads of laundry and worked all day - I'm exhausted. All Bill has to do is pick up dinner on his way home.

Gary Maddox:
Well, that sounds fair.

Judy Miller:
You would think so, except when he walks in the door he's carrying one burger - for himself. Said he didn't realize that I meant for me and the kids, too.

Gary Maddox:
My God, if I did that, my wife would crack open my skull and fry my brains for dinner.

Judy Miller:
Not an option with Bill: We'd still be hungry.

Bill Miller:
Judy says great things about you.

Gary Maddox:
Ah, Judy says a great many things about you, too.

Lauren Miller:
Hey, Dad. Mr. Halverson sent you a sloppy joe.

Bill Miller:
Ohhh, next time I see him he's gettin' a sloppy kiss.

Judy Miller:
Can I interest you in a cocktail frank?

Ted Halverson:
Uh, my name's Ted and I don't drink in the afternoon.

Kathy Halverson:
Ted says you use the C-word in front of your children.

Judy Miller:
What? I swear, Kathy, we never say that kind of crap in our house.

Ted Halverson:
You just said it again!

Bill Miller:
Due to a slight error in the placement of our trampoline, your son and all his friends may have definitely seen my wife naked.

Bill Miller:
[Bill and the other boys are watching Matthew Halverson bouncing on the trampoline] Boys and trampolines, who would have guessed? [to the boys] I'm glad you kids have a healthy alternative to drugs and alcohol. [to himself] Though I would have loved bouncing on that thing when I was baked.

Matthew Halverson:
Showtime!

Bill Miller:
[to one of the boys] What did he say? [the boy shrugs. Cut to Judy emerging from the closet in a robe, which she takes off in front of the open window, leaving her naked, oblivious to Matthew Halverson bouncing up from outside. Judy sits on the bed rubbing lotion on her legs, a lamp blocking the view of her body. Bill and Matthew bounce up until Bill sees that Matthew is peeking at Judy and pushes Matthew out of the way] [to Judy] CLOSE THE CURTAINS! [Judy panics and throws on her robe and closes the curtains]

Linda Michaels:
Let me get this straight: You broke up Brian from the love of his life and Bill taught some jock how to get lucky with your daughter. Why don't you go for the hat trick and kill Tina's gerbil?

Judy Miller:
That was one rad eighties dance!

Bill Miller:
Yeah, but back in the eighties, poppin' and lockin' didn't mean my shoulder poppin' and my back lockin'.

Judy Miller:
Honey, don't worry about it; we'll drop some Advil later.

Judy Miller:
[about her son's new girlfriend] Don't you think sometimes she can be a bit bossy?

Brian Miller:
Mom, she's a female who will kiss me who's not my aunt. You make sacrifices.

Brian Miller:
She dumped me.

Judy Miller:
What?

Brian Miller:
She dumped me.

Judy Miller:
What?

Brian Miller:
Please don't make me say it again.

Judy Miller:
What was her reason?

Brian Miller:
I don't know. I could barely hear her through all the crying.

Judy Miller:
Aw, she cried?

Brian Miller:
No. I'll be in my room.

Bill:
[after Judy realizes she's like Bill's mother, Louise] Ha ha, you're like my mother. I married my...oh *my* God.

Coach Walters:
I have to say I'm very disappointed. I wouldn't have expected this behavior from Brian.

Brian Miller:
I didn't do anything.

Bill Miller:
Yeah, we believe you, son. What did he do?

Coach Walters:
I'd rather not say in front of the fairer sex.

Bill Miller:
[turning slowly to see Judy] Oh, her? You gotta be kiddin' me.

Brian Miller:
Did Lauren take the car?

Judy:
No, her friend took her to the Green Day concert.

Brian Miller:
But that was cancelled.

Judy:
Cancelled?

Brian Miller:
Yeah, last week. She knew that.

Judy:
She lied to me? I don't believe it, your dad was right about her and Nick?

Brian Miller:
Ni-Nick. Nick-who?

Judy:
Nick Defalco

Brian Miller:
Nick Defalco?

Judy:
Yeah, Lauren said he's some doofy kid from school.

Brian Miller:
Slick Nick? Nick the trick, knows his way around a chick?

Judy:
They write poems about him!

Lauren Miller:
Mom!

Judy:
What's wrong? Your dad crash another car?

Lauren Miller:
Worse he started freaking out because he found a shirt in the back seat.

Judy:
Who's shirt?

Lauren Miller:
Nick Defalco's. I told you about him - he's just a friend.

Bill:
Oh! A boy who's a friend, put those together what do you get? A boyfriend! Which you said she didn't have! Judy, once again where are her parents?

Judy:
Well I'm her mother and I'm thinking of getting back in touch with her real father.

Lauren Miller:
Yeah, what exactly is your problem dad?

Bill:
My problem is boys are getting hot in your car and you're on the pill.

Lauren Miller:
You know I'm on the pill? Mom!

Judy:
I didn't tell him! He found it when he was rifling through your purse.

Lauren Miller:
There's no privacy in this house I hate this! Ugh! [Runs upstairs and slams door]

Bill:
Boy you really stepped in it.

Judy:
No I married it. A big pile of it! I can't believe you brought up the pills. Now she's never gonna trust me again.

Bill:
She was lying to you about why she wanted them.

Judy:
No she told me about this Nick. He's just some doofy guy from school but you overreacted and you blew it for both of us. You know what buddy? You're back out of the loop!

Bill:
What?

Judy:
Yeah we're going back to the way it's always been - me raising Lauren as a single mom!

Bill:
She needs a father in her life!

Judy:
I know but I can't find the cocktail napkin with his number on it!

Mr. Conway:
[awaiting dental work] Is this gonna hurt?

Dr. Nathan Gerber:
Of course it's gonna hurt. That's why we give you gas.

Judy Miller:
Dr. Gerber spent a lot of money to train his dog to understand commands in German

Lauren Miller:
Why German?

Brian Miller:
Well, because German in such a guttural language, the dog's more likely to respond to your commands.

Bill Miller:
So, German, huh?

Judy Miller:
Hm.

Bill Miller:
Schnitzel - fetchen me bratwurst unt beerenstein. T'h. Some training. He's just stairin' at me.

Judy Miller:
Hmm, like you're an idiot.

Bill Miller:
Now now, Judy. I think we all need to calm down and finish my sandwich.

Dr. Nathan Gerber:
It's a brilliant idea: You know how, some restaurants you go in, you pick out your own lobster? Well, my restaurant is the same idea - except with ducks!

Judy Miller:
You're in the middle of a huge mid-life crisis and there's no reason to drag me or poor little ducks into it. Now GET on the phone, CALL your wife, BEG her forgiveness, and stop talkin' about closin' down the office!

Dr. Nathan Gerber:
But what if it doesn't make me happy?

Judy Miller:
Then buy a sports car and grow a ponytail like every other dentist your age!

Bill Miller:
[Judy is making little pizzas for a book club meeting she is hosting] Oh look, some baby pizzas too young to defend themselves. [starts picking one up]

Judy Miller:
Hey, hands off! Did I say you could touch those?

Bill Miller:
Wow, it's our first date all over again.

Judy Miller:
Hey, kids, run upstairs and get your suitcases. Your grandparents are gonna be here any minute.

Lauren Miller:
Why do we even have to go? I hate that stupid train museum.

Judy Miller:
Because it's the third week of your three-week holiday break: Week #1 - we love ya. Week #2 - we like ya. Week #3 - get out!

Bill Miller:
Your suitcases should be by the door. We don't want Grandma and Grandpa hanging around. Once these old people sit down, it takes The Star-Spangled Banner to get them to stand up again.

Linda Michaels:
[unable to interest Helen in hearing about her A in psychology] Oh! Judy's running a fever. Maybe I should prep myself for surgery in case she needs my marrow.

Bill Miller:
Hello, fellow slaves.

Brian Miller:
Dad, when is Mom gonna get better? It's been days.

Lauren Miller:
Yeah. All this work keeps makin' me look forward to school, and that's just not right.

Judy Miller:
For two days my mom's been doin' everything - the cooking, the cleaning, the health insurance papers... It's like being a wife and mom without having the husband and kids.

Judy Miller:
[searching the mini-van for money] Aw, there's gotta be some toll money or somethin' around here. Ah! Bingo! In the glove box - change organizers. There's gotta be at least $20 here. That's my Brian.

Bill Miller:
Ah, he's also got a Yoda mask and an asthma inhaler.

Judy Miller:
Oh, at least we know our son's not sexually active.

Bill Miller:
Not on this planet.

Bill Miller:
[confronted by a new clerk] Where's Emma?

Paco:
She's gone.

Judy Miller:
She was just here two minutes ago.

Paco:
Yeah, Emma doesn't like to hang out after her shift ends, seeing as that's when the pay stops.

Bill:
[on phone with telemarketer] They're so cute at that age. Word of advice, don't teach them to talk.

Lauren Miller:
I'm going to find some guy on the internet to send me a bus ticket

Tina Miller:
Daddy, where do babies come from?

Bill:
Eh, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, and there's nothing good on TV, they drink a magical potion that's brewed in the city of Milwaukee, and nine months later you're born.

Judy Miller:
What happens when Tina finds out everything you just told her is a lie?

Bill:
Aw, Judy, by then she'll resent me for so many other things.

Brian Miller:
I suck at basketball and guys pick on me.

Judy Miller:
Well, maybe you could tell the gym teacher to talk to those boys.

Bill:
Yeah, and while you're hanging on the flagpole by your jockstrap, look around, see if you can find a new school.

Judy Miller:
Just out of curiosity, Bill, when we were in the kitchen and I told you to stay out of it, was there a circus song playing in your head?

Judy Miller:
[presenting concert ticket for Lauren and her friends] Now there are eight tickets there. Two are for your father and me.

Lauren Miller:
[suddenly dreading] You guys are going?

Judy Miller:
Well, yeah. You're too young to go to a concert by yourself.

Lauren Miller:
[suddenly business like] Okay, then I have some rules: I pick out the clothes you wear, I pick out the music you play in the van, and you can't talk to us during the concert.

Judy Miller:
Or... we wear what we want, we play what we want, we do whatever we want, and you still get to go to the concert.

Judy Miller:
[having pulled over to buy snacks] And don't even think of doing that pulling-the-car-away-just-as-we're-trying-to-get-back-in thing.

Bill:
Come on, Judy, give me some credit here. I haven't done that since you were in labor with Tina.

Judy Miller:
[wondering why Alex is avoiding Lauren] Did you say something to Alex?

Bill:
Nooooooo.

Judy Miller:
Oh, now I know you're lying, because when you lie you stretch your words out.

Bill:
I do naw-ah-ah-ah-ah-t.

Bill:
[to Lauren, out of breath after tracking her down] From now on I'm going to make a note of what color coat you're wearing. I just chased a girl who looks like you through three parking lots.

Judy Miller:
His locker's right here. [TO A NEARBY BOY] Excuse me, I'm looking for Brian Miller.

Boy:
[THE BOY LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN. SHE'S AWFULLY HOT] I'm Brian Miller.

Bill Miller:
Get Lost.

Lauren Miller:
Hey, Dad, if you and Mom go to the hockey game Friday night, can I still have my sleepover?

Bill Miller:
Sure, but only if you promise to invite over some horn dog teenage boys. And, uh, make sure they bring beer and cigarettes.

Lauren Miller:
Can't you ever just say no?

Tina Miller:
Can I have a horn dog?

Judy Miller:
[sitting in a clinic waiting room] I can't believe these brochures: alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex... sounds like the night we made Brian.

Lauren Miller:
[about Bill & Judy] They're being really nice to me. It's... It's creepy.

Brian Miller:
Oh, yeah, they think you're depressed.

Lauren Miller:
[laughing] What?

Brian Miller:
Yeah, I heard 'em talk about it. So, uh, can I have your stereo when they put you away?

Bill Miller:
[to Linda about Trevor] I don't know about the new guy you're dating, but his son seems very nice.

Judy Miller:
Linda told him she was 27.

Linda Michaels:
He'll find out my real age when the time is right.

Bill Miller:
He'll find out when the light is right.

Linda Michaels:
Oh, I'm so thirsty. Can I have a sip of your water?

Judy Miller:
Yeah, sure. [hiding incapacitating physical soreness, nudges bottled water over with her foot] Go ahead.

Linda Michaels:
Do you mind handing it to me?

Judy Miller:
Do I have to drink it for you, too?

Brian Miller:
Hey! Guys! You will not believe what happened at school today. I've been placed in the accelerated math program at Northwestern University.

Bill Miller:
Well, serves you right.

Judy Miller:
We've been waitin' up for you all night. We thought you were lyin' in a ditch somewhere.

Brian Miller:
If you were waiting up all night, then why does Dad have pillow marks all over his face?

Bill Miller:
They're... worry lines.

Brian Miller:
Why did you worry on only one side of your face?

Judy Miller:
When you stay out late, how do we know you're not lyin' in a ditch somewhere?

Brian Miller:
Where is this ditch you keep talking about?

Judy Miller:
They're around.

Judy Miller:
How'd it go? D'ja get through to 'im?

Bill Miller:
Like corn through a goose.

Bill Miller:
Parenting's hard, especially when you take months off at a time.

Bill Miller:
[on Brian moving out] He'll be back soon enough. Remember when he was ten and he insisted we let him sleep in the back yard? He didn't make it through the night. He thought it was haunted.

Judy Miller:
Well, you did try to scare him. You were runnin' through the yard with a sheet over your head howlin'.

Bill Miller:
Actually I was drunk and stumbled into the clothesline. You know, ah, believe me, I was... I was far more scared than he was.

Bill Miller:
I'm home from work - unless they call, in which case I'm still there, somewhere.

Lauren Miller:
[pouting] It's just so lame. All my friends have MP3's.

Judy Miller:
[sympathetically] Oh, Bill, did you hear that? I didn't realize there was such pressure on her to have one.

Bill Miller:
You know what? You're right. Let's give her an MP3.

Lauren Miller:
[dubiously] Really?

Bill Miller:
Absolutely. [loudly] Judy, give me an M!

Judy Miller:
[like a cheerleader, spelling out letters with her body] M!

Bill Miller:
Gimme a P!

Judy Miller:
P!

Bill Miller:
Gimme a 3!

Judy Miller:
Three!

Bill Miller:
What's it spell?

Judy Miller:
[jumping up and down joyously] M - P - threeeeee!

Lauren Miller:
Well, um, I gotta go. My friends are here.

Judy Miller:
Wait. What friends?

Lauren Miller:
You wouldn't know 'em. They're new.

Bill Miller:
I didn't hear the doorbell.

Lauren Miller:
Oh, they called me from their cell phone. They're out on the sidewalk.

Judy Miller:
Well, call 'em back and tell 'em to get in here so we can meet 'em.

Lauren Miller:
Mom, I am not gonna make them come in the house. It's embarrassing.

Judy Miller:
That's not embarrassing. THIS is embarrassing: [opening the front door, calling out] Hey, girls, come on in. Lauren's gonna be a minute - she's on the toilet!

Judy Miller:
Bill, come on in here and meet Lauren's new friends.

Bill Miller:
[deliberately to embarrass] She still in the can? 'Cause my cream's in there and I'm starting to itch.

Lauren Miller:
I didn't steal that MP3 player. I don't know how this got under my bed.

Bill Miller:
Hang on a second. Let me just check somethin'. [pulls out wallet and looks at driver's license] Ah, look at that - I WASN'T born yesterday.

Bill Miller:
What do you think looks better - this [holds up a brown shirt] or this [holds up a blue shirt] ?

Judy Miller:
Okay. Aren't you the guy who wanted to wear a tank top to my aunt's wedding?

Bill Miller:
Judy, when you have guns like these [patting his tricep] , you don't wanna put 'em in a holster.

Brian Miller:
[with Bill coming through the front door] Thank God you're home!

Bill Miller:
[stopping halfway in] Why? Maybe I'm not.

Brian Miller:
It's just that Mom's been...

Bill Miller:
Bye-bye.

Judy Miller:
I'm going over there now.

Bill Miller:
Now? You can't go now. Living room full of women.

Judy Miller:
Bill, it's just a Tupperware party. I think you can handle it till I get back.

Bill Miller:
What in the world would make you think that?

Judy Miller:
You're a salesman. Do what you do at work.

Bill Miller:
Watch the clock and wish I went to college?

Bill:
I got your favorite moooovviieee.

Judy:
Oh, 'Terms of Endearment'?

Bill:
I got you your *second* favorite movie.

Judy:
'Fried Green Tomatoes'?

Bill:
I got a moovvviieee.

Brian Miller:
Yeah, I watched a training video for two hours. It seemed like a waste of time.

Bill:
Yeah. A waste of time you got paid for... otherwise known as a job.

Linda Michaels:
Any idea on how to ditch a third wheel?

Bill:
Once I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

Judy Miller:
[on finding Brian a job] Well, Bill, you said that they needed help down at work, right?

Bill:
Ooo, I don't know. You just can't walk in off the street and sell toilets.

Bill:
[to rookie employee Brian] You're not supposed to study on your break. That's like reading a book on vacation.

Judy:
Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all his money?

Lauren Miller:
Apparently, not hiding it as well as I hide mine.

Bill:
You have money?

Lauren Miller:
No.

Judy:
It's under her mattress.

Lauren Miller:
No it's not!

Judy Miller:
You haven't folded any of the laundry?

Bill Miller:
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not that I don't wanna fold the laundry, it's that I, uh, can't. I'm laundrylexic.

Judy Miller:
That must be really tough since you're also a fullocrapoholic.

Bill Miller:
Go ahead and laugh, but in my mixed up world shirts are pants; pants are shirts. Try walking a mile in my gloves.

Judy Miller:
We've got two teenagers suddenly willing to lie for each other. It's like the Joker and the Riddler have joined forces. You know what this means?

Bill Miller:
If they get Tina to be the Penguin, they could rule Gothom. We got to get you a Catwoman suit.

Bill Miller:
[to Judy] There's no way that our kids are as desperately skanky as you and your sister were.

Bill Miller:
[searching Brian's room] Ah, jeez! Here's something you hate to find in your son's bedroom.

Judy Miller:
Dirty magazine?

Bill Miller:
Worse. The songs of Steven Sondheim.

Brian Miller:
What's a water bra?

Bill Miller:
It's a very cruel trick, son.

Judy Miller:
So what happened last night?

Linda Michaels:
Yeah... A lady doesn't kiss and tell.

Judy Miller:
Honey, a lady doesn't wear last night's cocktail dress to a pancake breakfast.

Bill Miller:
[learning that Ted's a brain surgeon] Let me ask you a medical question. When you chug a milkshake, how come you get that pain in your head?

Ted:
Let me ask you a medical question. Why you chugging milkshakes?

Bill:
[Visting a religious family's house, Bill sees a picture of Jesus] Man, these people sure do love that Kenny Loggins.

Lauren Miller:
Dad, that's GOD.

Bill:
Eh, he won a few Grammys, nothing really special.

Lauren Miller:
Why is it so hot out?

Bill:
Because your mother and I used a lot of hairspray in the Eighties.

Judy Miller:
Bill, these PTA people are great! They laugh at every stupid thing I say.

Bill:
Yeah, they're not bad. I guess we can't call them PTA-holes anymore.

Brian Miller:
[snooping through Bill's wallet] One hundred sixty-five pounds? Yeah, maybe on the moon!

Judy Miller:
[seeing Bill trying to kill a spider with a rolled up coloring book] Let me go get the dust buster.

Bill Miller:
Did the cave man do his killing with a dust buster?

Judy Miller:
No, you're right. He used a coloring book.

Bill Miller:
Lauren, a man needs to feel he's wearing the pants in a relationship, so give that boy his pants back.