Super Troopers

Farva:
License and registration... chicken f***er.

College Boy 2:
You must have eaten, like, a hundred bucks worth of pot, and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms man.

Thorny:
It stinks like sex in here.

Thorny:
Are you okay?

College Boy 2:
Yeah, sure.

Thorny:
Yes sir?

College Boy 2:
Yes sir.

Thorny:
No, did you say "yes sir."?

Rabbit:
I think he said "yeah, sure."

College Boy 2:
When I said, "yeah, sure", but what... literally what I said was "yeah, sure, sir."

Thorny:
So you are okay then?

College Boy 2:
Yes sir.

Mac:
Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.

Captain O'Hagan:
If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.

Mac:
Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

Farva:
Say car Ram-Rod.

Farva:
Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.

Thorny:
Who wants a moustache ride?

German Woman:
I do, I do!

German Man:
Oooh, I vant von too!

Farva:
Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners.

Thorny:
You know, Farva, only you can make a dark man blush. And no, we're not doing it.

Foster:
Okie dokie silly okio. I'm an idiot.

Mac:
That's true.

Police Chief Grady:
Desperation is a stinky cologne.

Police Chief Grady:
I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.

Farva:
It's powdered sugar.

Police Chief Grady:
The lice hate the sugar.

Farva:
It's delicious.

Captain O'Hagan:
I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans."

Mac:
Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy stuff on the wall and the mozzarella sticks?

Farva:
You mean Shenanigans?

Rabbit:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Thorny:
Where are your shoes?

Foster:
What are you, the shoe police?

Thorny:
I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar

Foster:
Black magic only works on the rookie

Thorny:
That's brown magic

Mac:
You boys like Mex-i-co? Woo-hoo.

Police Chief Grady:
I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamoles. Mike?

Officer Smy:
Yeah, chief. I'll have a CHINCHILLA.

Rabbit:
I don't get it. Tacos?

Thorny:
They think I'm Mexican.

Rabbit:
You're not?

Captain O'Hagan:
I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

Farva:
Don't call me radio, unit 91.

Mac:
Then don't call me unit 91, radio.

Farva:
Are you done?

Foster:
Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?

Captain O'Hagan:
The bulletproof cup? I invented this gag, Rabbit. Only in my day, the rookie got naked.

Captain O'Hagan:
And we also used blanks. You're a sick motherf***er, Mac.

Mac:
Thanks for that, Captain.

Farva:
What's this?

Rabbit:
A chamois cloth.

Farva:
Ha. Lucky guess. I just lost a buck. To myself.

Rabbit:
Oh, look, a bar of soap. (lifting soap out of coffee)

Farva:
oohoohoh sh*t. I got you good, you f***er.

Foster:
We could be like Cagney and Lacy.

Ursula:
Right. Except Cagney and Lacy were both women.

Foster:
I could be Lacy.

Thorny:
I am all that is man.

Farva:
Come on, Thorny, what game are you playing here? I can say "meow". I can say "moo". For twenty bucks, I'll call the guy a "chicken f***er".

Foster:
How you feelin' there, Mac?

Mac:
Good enough... to f***... your mother.

College Boy 3:
I love acid... Cops.

Foster:
You crapped on my heart.

Farva:
It doesn't matter cause I'm going to win ten million dollars.

Thorny:
What are you going to do with ten million dollars, and you can't say buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Farva:
I'd buy a ten million dollar car.

Thorny:
That's fine I'd still pull you over.

Farva:
Bull Sh*t. You couldn't pull me over, and even if you did I'd activate my car's wings and I'd fly away.

Farva:
Stupid burger punk.

Foster:
Ah, biker. I'm such an idiot.

Mac:
and that was the second time I got crabs.

Officer Smy:
Bear... bearf***er, do you need assistance?

Officer Burton:
How's the view from sugar heaven, b*tch?

Foster:
So, Ursula, what'cha doing?

Ursula:
Don't use that boyfriend voice with me.

Farva:
MacAttack, wanna go punch for punch?

Farva:
oooh good one, I did not specify. Never sh*t a shitter.

Farva:
Lady in blue comin through.

Mac:
No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a complete and total f***head.

Farva:
Who wants cream? Nobody? Okay, no cream.

Foster:
Ain't so funny meow is it?

College Boy 3:
The Snozzberries taste like Snozzberries.

Thorny:
Littering and... littering and... smokin' the reefer.

Farva:
Gimme a liter cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy:
What?

Farva:
A liter cola.

Thorny:
Just order a large, Farva.

Farva:
I don't want a large Farva. I want a god damn liter cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy:
I don't know what that is.

Farva:
Litre is French for give me some f***ing cola before I break vous f***ing lips!

Rabbit:
Holy sh*t, it's a cool winabego

Rabbit:
A number one top gun, in the name of justice, John Q. Public can trust us. Hail to thee dear old Paroon, hail to thee.

Rabbit:
Hail to thee!

Rabbit:
See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their products. Like a brand name.

Farva:
See? Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?

Captain O'Hagan:
Shut up, Farva.

Captain O'Hagan:
Did that bag you pulled off these College kids have that sticker?

Rabbit:
Uummm...

Rabbit:
I don't believe it did.

Mac:
How's your shooting, Thorny?

Thorny:
Good. I've been dead on all morning.

Mac:
What about that little guy?

Thorny:
Who, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy.

Mac:
Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando!

Rabbit:
See if they've got any chololate bananas... Foster?

Driver:
Uh, Officer, I know that-

Thorny:
License and registration, please.

Driver:
The regis-

Thorny:
You know how fast you were goin'?

Driver:
What?

Rabbit:
How fast you were goin'?

Driver:
Uh, 65?

Thorny:
63.

Driver:
Officer, isn't-- isn't the speed limit 65?

Thorny:
Yeah, it is. Where you boys headed?

Passenger:
Canada.

Driver:
C-- Canada. We're goin' over the border to Canada for some french fries and gravy, sir.

Thorny:
Canada, huh? Almost made it. Are you okay?

Driver:
Yeah, sure.

Thorny:
Yes, sir?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Thorny:
Now, did you say, 'Yes, sir'?

Rabbit:
I think he said, 'Yeah, sure.'

Passenger:
What'd you say, man?

Driver:
Well, I said, 'Yeah, sure,' but what, literally, I said was, 'Yeah, sure, sir.'

Thorny:
So you are okay then?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Thorny:
You smell somethin', Rabbit?

Rabbit:
[Sniffs] Fear.

Thorny:
Do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver:
Uhhh...

Thorny:
Littering. [holds up bag of marijuana]

Driver:
Oh, officer, that's not ours.

Kid in back:
[deep groan] Candy bars!

Thorny:
Littering and... Littering and... Littering and... [the rest of the car joins in, causing the kid in the back to freak out from the echoes] Littering and smoking the reefer. Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you three smoke the whole bag.

Kid in Back:
Please, no.

Rabbit:
Please, yes.

[A white Mazda Miata speeds by]

Mac:
F***IN' PIG!

Thorny:
Mother of God.

Foster:
Aw, Mac, you f***er!

Mac:
Gree-tings. [Laughs] You guys are too slow.

Foster:
You killed my dummy.

Thorny:
Mac, now I'm going to pay you. But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew it was you the whole time.

Mac:
Aw, Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie. It sets a bad example.

O'Hagen:
Farva. Forgot the coffee.

Farva:
My bad, Cap.

O'Hagen:
All right, all right; let's get started. I got the latest sh*t list, gentlemen. It's down to Flagstone, Deer Lick, and us. And you can bet your sweet butts if we keep up these low numbers, we're gonna get the big, ugly axe.

Mac:
Who'll bust heads on the highway?

O'Hagen:
The goddamn local cops, that's who! And you better believe that Grady and his goons have got a copy of this list, so we need to step it up.

Farva:
Who wants cream? Nobody? Okay, no cream.

O'Hagen:
Foster, how many tickets did you issue last week?

Foster:
Uh, I don't have my figures here in front of me...

O'Hagen:
Three.

Foster:
Can't make 'em speed.

O'Hagen:
Try hiding.

Thorny:
And grow a goddamn mustache, would ya?

Foster:
Hey, I haven't shaved in two weeks! I swear!

Farva:
Coffee served! No, no, that one's for Rabbit!

Rabbit:
Oh look, a bar of soap.

Farva:
Oh ho ho, Sh*t I got you good you f***er!

Mac:
: [With mocking voice and fake lisp] Awesome prank Farva.

Farva:
It's better than the sh*t you pull, Mac!

O'Hagen:
Look, guys... every Thursday night I come in here, to play cards, and they always have my favorite game on the table. I like that. I like it here. [Sees the troopers ignoring him] Oh, hell, give me the Goddamn soap! [Grabs the bar of soap Farva placed in Rabbit's coffee cup, bites off a chunk of it and spits it out] We got fifty miles of highway here! That stretch of highway is ours, and I'll be damned if we're gonna let Grady and those buttheads get their hands on it! Thorny, you're the ranking officer here. Let's do our jobs and keep this place open, huh?! Let's do it! Farva! Your suspension continues. Hit the radio!

O'Hagen:
I just got off the phone with Tom McCardle From the budget committee. This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.

Thorny:
What? They can't lump us in with that f***in' Martian.

O'Hagen:
We're all in the same boat, fellas.

Mac:
But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.

Thorny:
Yeah, his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.

Foster:
Which wouldn't make them shenanigans at all, really.

Mac:
[Irish voice] Evil shenanigans!

O'Hagen:
I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy that says 'shenanigans!'

Mac:
Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy sh*t on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

Farva:
You mean Shenanigans'?

Mac, Foster and Thorny:
Oooooooooooooooooo! [Laughing, Mac hands O'Hagen his gun.]

Farva:
You're talking about Shenanigans', right?

O'Hagen:
Put those away!

Grady:
I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.

Farva:
It's powdered sugar.

Grady:
The lice ... hate the sugar. So anyway-

Farva:
[Interrupting] It's delicious.

Grady:
Good, good...

Mac:
Come in Radio.

Farva:
Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.

Mac:
Don't call me Unit 91, Radio!

Farva:
...Are we done?

Mac:
Yeah okay Radio. We got a suspicious vehicle, white Caprice, Vermont Plates, Tijuana, Gringo, Oner, Fiver, Zero.

Farva:
Roger, checking...Unit 91 that license plate belongs to a local Spurburry police vehicle.

Mac:
It does?! Oh my gosh!

Farva:
...Very funny 91.

German Man:
I'm sorry officer for the speeding violation, I'm so used to driving on the autobahn.

German Woman:
Ich finde er sieht wie Shaun Cassidy aus. [I think he looks like Shaun Cassidy.]

German Man:
Ja, das finde ich auch, yummi yummi. [I think so too, yummi yummi.]

Rabbit:
Do you know why I pulled you over?

German Man:
Because we were going way too fast.

Rabbit:
Ja.

German Man:
Ja. Well the thing is I cannot afford to have another ticket on mein Porsche. Is there something I could do for you, or perhaps something my wife could do? Perhaps there is something you would like to do to her?

German Woman:
Is there maybe something you would like me to do to you? Or maybe something you would like to do to me? Hmm?

German Woman:
Maybe some hard spanking und cuffing is in order.

Farva:
Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.

Dimpus Burger Guy:
[into microphone] Double baca cheeseburger. It's for a cop.

Farva:
What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?

Dimpus Burger Guy:
No, I just told him that so he makes it good. [into microphone] Don't spit in that cop's burger.

Farva:
' Yeah, thanks.

Second Dimpus Guy:
Roger, holding the spit.

Dimpus Burger Guy:
Uhh, right. Beverage?

Farva:
Gimme a liter o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy:
[into the mic] Liter Cola? Do we sell Liter Cola?

Thorny:
Will you just order a large, Farva?

Farva:
I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!

Dimpus Burger Guy:
[to Farva] I don't know what that is!

Farva:
[enraged and grabbing the Dimpus Burger Guy] Liter is French for give me my f***in' cola before I break vous f***in' lip!

Burger Guy:
[shouts] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, RELAX!!!

Rabbit:
Wait, so the local cops are selling Afghany grass to the Canadians? A**holes.

Thorny:
No Rabbit, it's coming in from Canada.

Rabbit:
Ah! Canadian grass. [nods] A**holes.

Thorny:
The local mothers are running protection for 'em.

Rabbit:
Oh. I guess I'm the a**hole then...

[Captain O'Hagen is watching security camera footage from the Dimpus Burger that Farva and Thorny recently visited. An enraged Farva repeatedly attacks the Dimpus Burger Guy with food, cups, etc. despite the efforts of Thorny and Dimpus Burger employees to restrain him.]

O'Hagen:
That's it- you're off the road, never again.

Farva:
Sir, it was not my fault!

O'Hagen:
And neither was the Goddamn school bus! You know, there was a time we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose; now you got your Goddamn unions.

Farva:
Cap, you know I'm not a pro-union guy.

O'Hagen:
And you're banned from Dimpus Burger!

Farva:
Damn!

O'Hagen:
Get some gloves. From now on, you're my cleaning lady. BEAT IT!

O'Hagen:
Look, I'm done dickin' around. Either you let us in on this investigation or I'm going to embarrass you personally.

Grady:
Oh, what? Like naked in a dream, embarrassed?

O'Hagen:
No, no. More like back in '77 when you got caught f***in' your cousin, embarrassed.

Grady:
She's not my cousin! [Hangs up]

[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]

Mac:
All right, how about "Cat Game?"

Foster:
Cat Game? What's the record?

Mac:
Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.

Foster:
Ten? Starting right 'meow?'

[Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]

Larry Johnson:
Sorry about the...

Foster:
All right meow. Hand over your license and registration.

[the man hands him his license]

Foster:
Your registration? Hurry up meow.

[Mac ticks off two fingers]

Larry Johnson:
Sorry.

[the man laughs a little]

Foster:
Is there something funny here boy?

Larry Johnson:
Oh, no.

Foster:
Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?

[pause]

Foster:
All right meow, where were we?

Larry Johnson:
Excuse me, are you saying meow?

Foster:
Am I saying meow?

[Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]

Larry Johnson:
I thought...

Foster:
Don't think boy. Meow, do you know how fast you were going?

[man laughs]

Foster:
Meow what is so damn funny?

Larry Johnson:
I could have sworn you said meow.

Foster:
Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?

[Mac is gut-busting laughing]

Foster:
Am I drinking milk from a saucer?

[feigned anger]

Foster:
Do you see me eating mice?

Foster:
[Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow!

Larry Johnson:
[Stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.

Foster:
Meow, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. It's the law.

[rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]

Foster:
Not so funny meow, is it?

Foster:
[Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow!

Mac:
YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-E-CO?!?! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mac:
[cross-eyed and with slight lisp] Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you? Is that why you treat us with such disrespect?

Mac:
One... Two... Three... Do It!

Mac:
Do what? GO F*** YOUR SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Farva:
[refusing Captain Grady's bribe] I'm all highway.

Farva:
Liter is French for give me some f***in' cola or I'll break vous's f***in' lip!

Farva:
I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!

Farva:
[when he pulls the sweepstakes ticket off of his cup and finds a hole cut in it] Dammit, you burger punk! You son of a b*tch! [Runs over to the counter, jumps over it, and tackles the Dimpus Burger Guy.]

Farva:
I just lost a buck... to myself!

Farva:
I'll take six schlitzes... or whatever's free.

Farva:
I gotta bust criminals! It's what I gotta do!

Foster:
What size cells are these? Eight by eight? Ours are nine by nine... no big deal.

Rabbit:
You are freakin' out....man.

Rabbit:
[After Thorny says, "You smell somethin', Rabbit?"] *Sniffs* Fear.

Rabbit:
What, are you gonna light my ass on fire?

Thorny:
Canada, eh? Almost made it.

Thorny:
[Deep voice] Mother of God.

Thorny:
'Some male figure'? I'm his dad!

Thorny:
What? They can't lump us in with that f***in' Martian.

Thorny:
[Messing around with a photo on the station computer] Enhance... Enhance... Enhance...

Thorny:
Alright, who wants a moustache ride?

Captain John O'Hagen:
Let me guess- you just humped the mayor's wife and burned down city hall.

Captain John O'Hagen:
[A repeated, sarcastic line, often said with an Irish accent] I'll believe that when me sh*t turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

Captain John O'Hagen:
I scratched your back, Bruce! I scratched it good and hard! Now either you scratch my back, or you get my size ten boot up your ass!

Captain John O'Hagen:
Of *course* they started the fight! Now they've taken a jurisdictional grievance against us! I mean a murder on the highway! And you give them the investigation! Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies!

Captain John O'Hagen:
[About Farva, realizing he has betrayed O'Hagen and the others] We shoulda took him out back and shot him a long time ago.

Captain John O'Hagen:
Look what I found! A two-by-four!

Captain John O'Hagen:
[Suddenly grabbing the radio while Foster is trying to apologize] URSULA! I'M NAKED!