The 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Himself - Host:
It's gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking, or as Charlie Sheen calls it: "breakfast". Wow, so... Let's get this straight. What he did was he picked up a "pornstar", paid it to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife: "how do you do?", went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard... that was a Monday! What did he do on New Year's Eve?

Himself - Host:
It was a big year for 3D movies: "Toy Story", "Despicable Me", "Tron". Seems like everything this year was three dimensional... except the characters in "The Tourist". Uh, I feel bad about that joke. I... no... I'll tell you what... I'm jumping on the bandwagon 'cause I haven't even seen "The Tourist". Who has? But, no... It must be good 'cause it's nominated tonight. So shut up, ok? And I'd like to squash the ridiculous rumour going around that the only reason "The Tourist" was nominated was so that the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish, that is not the only reason, they also accepted bribes... No. All that happened was some of them were taken to see Cher in concert, how the hell is that a bribe? Really? "You wanna go to see Cher?" "No." "Why not?" "'Cause it's not 1975."

Himself - Host:
There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year, nothing for "Sex and the City 2". I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Um, great job! Girls, we know how old you are: I saw one of you in an episode of "Bonanza".

Himself - Host:
Also not nominated "I love you Philip Morris". Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor: two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous scientologist thing. Um, probably. My lawyers helped me to get away with that joke; they're not here.

Himself - Host:
Talking of the "Walking Dead", congratulations to Hugh Hefner, whose getting married at the age of 84 to 24 age beauty Crystal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him she said: "'Cause he lied about his age. He told me he was 94... Oh, come on...". Don't worry, hold out, just don't look at him when you touch him, that's how it's done.

Himself - Host:
One of the biggest events on TV this year was the finale of "Lost". One of my favorites. And all the questions were answered... yeah. I have to say, though, It was a complicated finale. I'm not sure I totally understood it all, but from what I can workout, I'm pretty sure the fat one ate them all.

Himself - Host:
Our first presenter is beautiful, talented and Jewish, apparently. Mel Gibson told me that. He's obsessed. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson.

Himself - Host:
You know our next presenter from such films as "Hudson Hawk", "Look Who's Talking", "Mercury Rising", "Color of Night", "Fifth Element", "Heart's War", please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis!

Himself - Host:
Next up, Eva Longoria has the daunting task of introducing the President of the HFPA. That's nothing, I just had to help him off the toilet and pop his teeth in. It's messy.

Himself - Host:
I love this next presenter. He's so cool. He's the star of "Iron Man", "Two Girls and a Guy", "Wonder Boys"... Sorry, are these porn films? "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang", "Bowfinger", really? Here... "Up the Academy". Come on... He was in all those films, but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail. Please welcome Robert Downey Jr.

Himself - Host:
The next presenter is a true Hollywood icon. In ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time he has shown extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer... and Rambo... Please welcome Sylvester Stallone.

Robert De Niro:
I wanna thank the HFPA. Thank you for this extraordinary honor. I was very, very moved and gratified when you made the announcement two months ago, well before you had the chance to review "Little Fockers".

Robert De Niro:
The important thing is that we're all on this together, the filmmakers who make the movies, and the HFPA members who, in turn, pose in pictures with the movie stars. I'm sorry more members of the Foreign Press aren't with us tonight, but many of them were deported right before the show, along with most of the waiters... and Javier Bardem. for the rest of you I hope your papers are in order because Homeland Security will be checking them just as soon as they're through with the full body scans of Megan Fox.

Robert De Niro:
Along with this award I'm announcing a DVD box set of all the work, of all my works, and the few you may have missed, say "Jacknife", the first time around, and you'll be able to catch up. And I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for some more pictures with the remaining members of the HFPA.

Robert De Niro:
These movies, all of them, are like my children, except that my children are more expensive and you can't remake them in 3D to push up the grosses. You do the best you can with your children, you do the best you can making movies and at a certain point you have to let both of them go and hope for the best. It's up to the audiences to decide if it's entertainment, the critics to decide if it's good, and ultimately posterity to decide if it's art. And for the children you just hope the movies do well enough so you can keep them in private schools.

Himself - Host:
What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose movies have grossed over three and a half billion dollars at the box office. He's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances starring in such films as "Philadelphia", "Forrest Gump", "Cast Away", "Apollo 13" and "Saving Private Ryan". The other is... Tim Allen.

Himself - Host:
The next presenter is a National Treasure: Miss Congeniality herself. This down to earth girl nextdoor, first stole our hearts as a bus driver and then as a railway fare collector. Now, of course, she wouldn't be seen death on Public Transport, 'cause she just said to me backstage: "poor people are gross and they smell bad." Please welcome Sandra Bullock!

Himself - Host:
Thanks to NBC, thanks the HFPA, thank you for watching at home and thank you to God for making me an atheist. Thank you.

Chris Colfer:
I think I struck my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if anyone sees that please give it back to me...

Chris Colfer:
But, most importantly, thanks to all the amazing kids who watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates that are constantly told no by the people in their environments, by bullies in school and they can't be who they are or have what they want because of who they are... Well, screw that kids!

Natalie Portman:
Thank you to who is helping me continue this creation of creating more life. Benjamin coreographed the film, and also you may remember him in the movie as the guy when they ask "Would you sleep with that girl?" he's like "Umph, no..." He's the best actor! That's not true, he totally wants to sleep with me.

Himself - Host:
Our next presenters are two of the funniest people in America. She stole the show on "Saturday Night Live", then went on to create, write and star in her own show: "30 Rock". He was a jobbing actor, career not going that well if I'm being totally honest, who got his big break when I cast him in a remake in a show that I created called "The Office". He's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... Please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey and the ungrateful Steve Carell!

Steve Carell:
Ha, ha, ha, ha. I love it! Never gets old!

Himself - Host:
That's my favorite film of the year. The creator of Facebook, of course, Mark Zuckerberg, is reportedly worth 7 billion dollars! Heather Mills calls him the one that got away!

Himself - Host:
The next two presenters are funny, charming and down to earth. He's Alec from the rock, she's just Jenny from the Block... If the block in question is that one on Rodeo Drive between Cartier and Prada. Please welcome Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez!

Robert Downey Jr.:
Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn't you?

Jim Parsons:
[Kaley Cuoco cries and hugs Jim Parsons as she hands him his Golden Globe] Kaley, if you can't tell, is on the show with me.

Tom Hanks:
You know, like many of you, we recall back when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby but very kind comedian.

Tim Allen:
Yeah, neither of which is he now. Two women in a lesbian relation ship.

Tom Hanks:
[pointing] Right there. A man who pretends someone who he's not. [pointing] Right there.

Tim Allen:
A young woman who escaped from a boring fianc? by doing shrooms.

Tom Hanks:
[pointing] Right there. A young woman desperate to get into show business. Pretty much the room.

Tim Allen:
A middle aged man dealing with vengeful people from his past.

Tom Hanks:
So, these are not just the people I can see here tonight, but these are characters in the five nominees for best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical.

Tim Allen:
[to Tom] You are a sad, strange little man and you have my pity.

Tina Fey:
Tonight we stand before you not as Golden Globe Award winners, but as writers.

Steve Carell:
Don't turn the channel, we're still stars. But as stars who are also writers, it gives us great pleasure to honor the nominees for best screenplay.

Tina Fey:
Screenplays we could have written if we had the time. Like the one about the mountain climber.

Steve Carell:
I would've given my right arm to have written that. There's a story of a couple of lesbians.

Tina Fey:
Steve, it's a lesbian couple.

Steve Carell:
Ah...

Tina Fey:
There's a long, complicated sci-fi thriller, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Not unlike my dreams...

Steve Carell:
Mine as well... There's also the story of Britain's King George VI.

Tina Fey:
The sixth...

Steve Carell:
VI.

Tina Fey:
And finally the true life story of social networking and how it ruined our ability to interact one on one.

Steve Carell:
I heard about that movie on Facebook from a friend I've never met.

Robert Downey Jr.:
I consider myself a veteran of sorts and I have made somewhat of a study of this. Tell me if I'm wrong. I don't know if an actress can do her best work until I have slept with her. Julianne. Told her I was working with strange new feelings that were confusing me, Angie. Only to have her blow me off halfway through the shoot like it never happened, Annette. Or casually mentioned that her boyfriend is coming for a location visit because he misses her and what they have "is real". Then have the gall to invite me to a three-top for dinner, Anne. Why? I'm not trying to creep anyone out, but where's Emma? I think I've got something for her. It's like a "Blue Valentine" thing, but not age appropriate. I'm not saying my theory doesn't hold water, but somehow all of these women rendered exquisite performances without a shred of help from me, so I'm just saying if I could I'd give it to all five of you. At once. The award, right here, center stage in front of my wife, the audience and millions of viewers. Here are the nominees for best actress in a motion picture, comedy or musical.

Himself - Host:
Our next presenters are young and thin, with the hair and teeth... They're lovely to look at. Which is just as well, because they're presenting the award for Best Foreign Language Film, a category that no one in America cares about! Please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson.