The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet

Harriet:
Is something wrong, dear?

Ozzie:
[annoyed] What do you mean - is something wrong?

Harriet:
Well, it's just that you started off this morning in such high spirit. What happened? Is it something I've done?

Ozzie:
[more annoyed] Well, no, of course not! What's the matter with everybody today? I go around doing my best to be cheerful, and everybody I meet has a chip on his shoulder! Harriet, where'd you get that picture on he wall? That horrible face!

Harriet:
[turns to look] That isn't a picture, dear, that's you. I moved the mirror.

[repeated line]

Ozzie:
Darn that Joe Randolph!

Harriet Nelson:
David has some Shakespeare to read tonight, haven't you, David?

David Nelson:
Yes, ma'am.

Ozzie Nelson:
Oh? What are you going to read?

David Nelson:
Hamlet.

Ozzie Nelson:
That's a wise selection.

David Nelson:
Thanks, Pop. Our teacher made it.

Ozzie Nelson:
Shakespeare is the world's greatest playwright. His plays are known the world over.

Ricky Nelson:
I think he's a little corny, myself.

David Nelson:
I don't see anything corny about him.

Ricky Nelson:
Oh, no? What about that Hamlet? Guy's talkin' to himself about commitin' suicide, walkin' through graveyards pickin' up old skulls - it just isn't commercial.

Rick Nelson:
[standing in the backyard] I understand we're playing host to a pet show here tomorrow.

Ozzie Nelson:
Oh, uh, yeah - where'd you hear about it?

Rick Nelson:
Oh, from about fourteen kids and a couple of talking dogs.

Ozzie Nelson:
Talking dogs, huh?

Rick Nelson:
Well, they weren't talking to me - they were discussing it among themselves.

[last lines]

Ozzie Nelson:
[breaking the 4th wall] That's, uh, kind of a cute twist at the finish there - didn't you think?

Ozzie Nelson:
That sounds kind of serious to me.

Harriet Nelson:
Oh, I don't think so. Afterall, he went over there for dinner last night, and evidentally had a pretty good meal, but he came home and made himself a double-decker sandwich. Nobody in love has an appetite like that.

Ozzie Nelson:
That's true. They say the best indication of a man' being in love is loss of appetite. Oh, by the way, is lunch almost ready? I'm starved.

Ralph Dobson:
Being a member of the legal profession carries a great deal of responsibility. A citizen has the right to look to his lawyer for guidance, leadership and council.

David Nelson:
Yes sir.

Ralph Dobson:
We hope that while you're here with us, we can impress you with the necessity of bearing that responsibility with sincerity, with honor and with dignity.

Ricky Nelson:
[breaking the '4th wall' by turning to face the television audience after Ozzie leaves the room] You know, sometimes I think I'm a chip off the old block, and other times I think the old block is chipped.

Terry Johnson:
Oh, by the way, I sold one of those ridiculous shirts tonight. That'll give you something to shoot for.

Wally Dipple:
You're not kidding. Those shirts are something to shoot at!

Ricky Nelson:
I got a couple of eggs here, Pop. You want 'em?

Ozzie Nelson:
Are they fried or scrambled?

Ricky Nelson:
Burnt.

Harriet Nelson:
How do you bring the game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' up to date - or shouldn't I ask.

Ricky Nelson:
Sure! We draw a big picture of the teacher's face on the blackboard, then we play the game.

Harriet Nelson:
And what do you call it?

Ricky Nelson:
'Draw the Mustache on the Teacher.'

[last lines]

Harriet Nelson:
[breaking the fourth wall] Number 17 - "Do you believe everything your wife tells you?" No.

[Ozzie is sipping a milkshake at the malt shop]

Wally:
Just keep that up, Mr. Nelson...

[rubs his ample belly]

Wally:
That's the secret of my success.

Ozzie Nelson:
[complaining about night school] Ever since I enrolled in this darn course, I haven't even had a chance to get out of the house. I haven't seen a moving picture show. I haven't had a chance to go bowling. I haven't been to a lodge meeting. Even home, I haven't had a chance to watch television. Golly, I've just been studying, studying, nothing but study ever since I enrolled, and tonight is my bowling night, too.

Emmylou:
But you're getting an education.

Ozzie Nelson:
[scoffing] Oh, some education. Woodcraft?

Emmylou:
Woodcraft, using precision tools, carving, sawing. Surely you've gotten something out of that.

Ozzie Nelson:
Well, I've learned how to open a Band-Aid with one hand.

[Ozzie is checking a deck of cards]

Ozzie Nelson:
Dave, would you count these and see how many you get?

[Dave riffles the cards]

Dave Nelson:
51.

Ozzie Nelson:
Well, are you sure?

Dave Nelson:
Sure, Pop. Here's the other one.

Harriet Nelson:
Oh, let's just give your father a little rest, shall we?

Ricky Nelson:
Sure.

Harriet Nelson:
You hear me, David?

David Nelson:
Yes, Ma'am. What do you want us to do?

Harriet Nelson:
Oh, let's be especially nice to him when he comes home. And why don't you boys try doing your own homework, for a change.

Ricky Nelson:
I think that's askin' an awful lot, boy.

Harriet Nelson:
Well, I'm gonna balance the checkbook all by myself.

Ricky Nelson:
Do you think that's fair to Pop?

[opening lines]

Fountain Attendant:
There you are, Dr. Williams, one triple-banana surprise.

Doc Williams:
Thanks, Joe. Hey, you forgot something.

Fountain Attendant:
I did? One red cherry, cr?me de menthe cherries, and hazelnuts, walnuts, whipped cream, slice of pineapple, butterscotch syrup, marshmallow syrup, and a scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla, scoop of pistachio nut, scoop of coffee ripple, and lime sherbet, two bananas, and six macaroons. What'd I forget?

Doc Williams:
A spoon.

Ozzie:
Oh, I just can't keep up with these dances. It took me two years to learn how to do The Twist, and by then, it was out-of-style.

[referring to the beautiful Cathy Stewart]

Wally:
Do you know her?

Ricky Nelson:
Just well enough to be turned down politely when I ask her for a date.

Wally:
Yeah, me too. I can understand why she'd turn you down, but why wouldn't she want to go out with a handsome, debonair fellow like me?

Ricky Nelson:
Well, maybe she doesn't like guys who haven't any self-confidence.

Wally:
Do you think that's it?

Ricky Nelson:
Well, probably. Did you ever ask her again?

Wally:
No, I didn't. Handsome, debonair fellows like me get discouraged easily.

David Nelson:
She's probably a spoiled brat and it probably did her a lot of good to have someone tell her her where to head in for a change.

Ricky Nelson:
Cut it out, David. You're talking about the girl that almost went to the dance with me. Besides it's your fault for lending me your car in the first place.

David Nelson:
My fault?

Ricky Nelson:
Yeah! You know how irresponsible I am.

Kris:
Is Rick there yet?

Harriet Nelson:
No. Is he coming over?

Kris:
Yeah, he wants to borrow some garden tools - but give him a razor and large tube of shaving cream, will you?

Harriet Nelson:
What for?

Kris:
Well, believe it or not, he thinks he's growing a beard.

Harriet Nelson:
A what?

Kris:
A beard! At least that's what he calls it.

Harriet Nelson:
How long has he been growing it?

Kris:
Since the day before yesterday.

Harriet Nelson:
Well then, I gather he's not exactly tripping over it yet.

Kris:
No, it's just bristly and scratchy and icky and awful.

Ricky Nelson:
I feel a little funny about asking my own brother for a raise.

Kris:
That's easy. You call your father - he tells your mother - she calls Dave - and you've got your raise.

Harriet Nelson:
You know, it's none of my business, but don't you think taking riding lessons is a pretty expensive way to meet a girl?

Ozzie Nelson:
Yeah, especially since you don't need the lessons?

Ricky Nelson:
Oh, well, we made a deal. See, I'm gonna teach her how to play the guitar, and she's gonna teach me how to ride.

Ozzie Nelson:
Well, that sounds like a good idea.

Harriet Nelson:
What happens, if she finds out you can ride?

David Nelson:
Probably hit him over the head with the guitar.

David Nelson:
One of these days I'm going to write a book.You know what I'm going to call it?

Ozzie Nelson:
What?

David Nelson:
"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet!"

Rick Nelson:
Tell me this - does June make a big scene every time you take your wedding ring off?

Dave Nelson:
No - but that's probably because I never take it off.

Rick Nelson:
I don't see how you can help it. I guess it's just that I haven't gotten used to wearing it, yet. How'd you get used to it?

Dave Nelson:
Well, June took care of that right from the start. She bought the ring a little too small, slipped it on my finger, and then started fatting me up.

Rick:
Nice seein' you guys.

Wally:
Wait a minute. We were just on our way to the malt shop. Why don't you two join us? There's always the possibility I may pick up the check.

Stuffy:
You must be kidding.

Wally:
Naturally.

[Wally, Stuffy and Joe stare at Rick's beautiful girlfriend]

Wally:
Hi, Rick.

Stuffy:
Hi, Rick.

Joe:
Hi, Rick.

Rick:
No, I'm over here.

Ozzie Nelson:
Did you hear the wonderful news? The drummer has been taken sick!

Captain Charlie Hathaway:
[to Ozzie] Have you ever sorry you didn't come along with me?

Harriet Nelson:
I already asked him that.

Captain Charlie Hathaway:
[examining Ozzie's head] Oh, well, I don't see any lumps up there. You must have given her the right answer.

[Ozzie and Harriet are redecorating a room with a nautical theme for a sea captain friend]

Harriet Nelson:
Oh, I couldn't find any mermaid's tails, but I could borrow some of Ricky's old pin-up pictures

Ozzie Nelson:
Pin-up pictures? What for?

Harriet Nelson:
Well, he's a sailor isn't he?

Ozzie Nelson:
He's a little more than a sailor, Harriet. He's a captain!

Harriet Nelson:
Well, these are pretty good pictures.

[first lines]

Ricky Nelson:
Do we have any books on dog training, Pop?

Ozzie Nelson:
Dog training? No, I don't think we do. Your mother just uses psychology on me.

[David tries to ask a beautiful girl to a dance, but discovers she only speaks Spanish]

Chuck:
What happened?

David Nelson:
Well, she's a real nice girl, but she doesn't speak any English. I wish I took Spanish instead of French.

Chuck:
I'm taking Latin.

Wally:
Don't look at me - I'm still working on English.

[opening lines]

Wally Dipple:
Boy, that Professor Fairchild is a grouch.

Dave Nelson:
Well, it's your own fault, Wally.

Wally Dipple:
Well, just the same, he didn't have to single me out in front of the whole class. That was darn embarrassing. Besides, it was as much his fault as it was mine.

Dave Nelson:
How do you figure that?

Wally Dipple:
Well, he gives those dull lectures in that monotone of his. I wasn't the only one that was nodding a little.

Dave Nelson:
No - but you were the only one that was snoring.

David Nelson:
I promised to help a couple of friends of mine.

Ricky Nelson:
What about me? I'm your brother, you know.

David Nelson:
Don't get maudlin.

Ricky Nelson:
Oh, yeah? I suppose you think I don't know what that means.

David Nelson:
Okay. What does it mean?

Ricky Nelson:
Just for that, you can look it up yourself.

David Nelson:
I told you, I promised to help a couple of friends of mine. A guy can have a couple of friends in this world, can't he?

Ricky Nelson:
Oh, yeah? If it wasn't for me, you'd be an only child.

[first lines]

Ozzie Nelson:
[standing in their bedroom] Uh, Harriet, did you sew the button on my sport coat?

Harriet Nelson:
Yes, I did.

Ozzie Nelson:
Where is it?

Harriet Nelson:
Right opposite the buttonhole.

[Dave has taken up off-road motorcycle racing]

Harriet Nelson:
It's pretty dangerous, isn't it?

David Nelson:
Oh, not especially - not if you don't do anything foolish.

Ozzie Nelson:
You mean like getting on the motorcycle?

David Nelson:
No - I mean like falling off!

Ozzie Nelson:
Boy, times sure have changed since we were kids. We used to do all the mechanical work by ourselves, and the only tools we had were a hammer and a pair of pliers.

Ricky Nelson:
Well, don't you think the modern cars are better, Pop?

Ozzie Nelson:
Well, I suppose so. Everything improves. But under certain conditions, I'm not sure the old cars couldn't hold their own with the modern hotrod. And we didn't have to take them to specialty shops, either. We could take 'em apart and put 'em together again right in our own backyard. Couldn't we, Darb?

Darby:
Sure - and we usually had a few parts left over, too.

[first lines]

Ricky Nelson:
What happened to all the candy?

Harriet Nelson:
You finished it yesterday.

Ricky Nelson:
I sure do miss dessert.

David Nelson:
Haven't you got any willpower?

Ricky Nelson:
What's willpower got to do with it? I happen to be a growing boy, and I need some carbohydrates to keep my engine steamed up.

David Nelson:
Look at Pop. Nobody likes desserts more than he does, and he's not complainin'.

Ricky Nelson:
Well, naturally. It was his idea.

Harriet Nelson:
I don't understand how you get so many holes in the toe of your sock.

Ricky Nelson:
My toes are so bony from not having any dessert.

Ozzie Nelson:
Come on. Forget about dessert, and do your homework.

Ricky Nelson:
I finished my homework.

David Nelson:
Do it again; it's probably wrong.

Ricky Nelson:
Valentine's Day sure is a confusing holiday, boy.

Harriet Nelson:
You know, they ought to let women join the fire department - then I'd see more of you.

Ozzie Nelson:
Are you kidding? You gals take too long to dress. By the time you got your makeup on, the fire'd be out.

[opening remarks]

Ozzie Nelson:
Hi. Harriet and I are just gonna take it easy on this particular show and let the second-generation take over.

Harriet Nelson:
This story really doesn't involve us, so Ozzie and I are just going to lean back and join you folks as viewers. The family acting chores are taken care of by Rick, and Dave directs this one. Doesn't he?

Ozzie Nelson:
Yeah, he sure does. It's called "Wally's Pen Pal", and I think you'll enjoy it.

Harriet Nelson:
It's a real good show.