The Adventures of Pete & Pete

Artie, The Strongest Man in the World:
Soon you will be like Cheese Boy: melty, melty, melty!

Older Pete Wrigley:
She's a girl, and she's my friend, but she's not my girlfriend.

[after Younger Pete attempts to break the world's record for days without sleep]

Joyce Wrigley:
Beautiful day, isn't it?

Younger Pete Wrigley:
Dawn was better.

Younger Pete Wrigley:
Will I ever see you again?

Artie, The Strongest Man in the World:
Worry not, boy. Worry not... for I am Artie, the strongest man [takes superhero position]in the world!

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
I am the Doctor of Death, and I have come to cure you of your life.

Mr. Throneberry:
Aloha maku maku. Don Ho will not emerge from the Valley of Darkness.

Older Pete Wrigley:
I'll give you anything you want. You can destroy anything in the house, tear up the yard, anything.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
Anything?

Older Pete Wrigley:
Anything.

[thoughtfully]

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
You got any... Neapolitan ice cream?

[Older Pete nods]

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
Good, Wrigley. Good.

Don Wrigley:
C'mon Pete, we gotta kill Bob while he's still alive!

Park Ranger Thorsen:
You got a license for that tattoo, son?

[Younger Pete shows him a license]

Younger Pete Wrigley:
Read it and weep, fungus-lick!

Younger Pete Wrigley:
Now begins the Age of Pete!

Artie, The Strongest Man in the World:
Begone with you pulpy, before I fold you into some type of brochure!

Older Pete Wrigley:
Why is it that when you miss somebody so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you always hear the saddest song ever on the radio?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict:
Passenger Pete? Back of the bus!

Monica:
I am so sick and tired of hearing lucky this and lucky that. Why don't you take your lucky necklace stuff it down your lucky mouth before I push you down this lucky hill and make you poop in your lucky underpants.

Big Pete Wrigley:
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, the Spirit had ended; it had all been doused. The ornaments were yanked from the tree with despair, while dad vacuumed pine needles from his rump.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict:
Carrot-top Judas... THOU HAST FORSAKEN ME!

[after being betrayed by Pete while he's baking him a cake]

Bus Driver Stu Benedict:
I'll just put the finishing touches to my...

[stabbing cake]

Bus Driver Stu Benedict:
Trust! Loyalty! Niceness!

[Older Pete has just failed a driving simulator]

Mr. Slurm:
Congratulations, Mr. Wrigley... you're dead.

Fran 'Pit Stain':
[to Little Pete] We've all got our problems, Wrigley. Mine happens to be glandular, yours happens to be my fist!

Bus Driver Stu Benedict:
[grabbing Pit Stain's arm before he can punch Little Pete] Hi. I'm Stu Benedict, bus driver, and you're... [looking down at Pit Stain's arm, which is still in his hand, with visible disgust]... sweating all over me!

Younger Pete Wrigley:
Hey, Blowhole, wherever you are, in forty-five minutes I'm going to be famous. And you know what you're going to be? A blowhole!

English Teacher:
They shreked Shrek! And I just used a noun as a verb, what's wrong with me?

Don Wrigley:
[parent leaving the boys in charge of the house] We'll be leaving you as boys but when we come back you'll be men.

Joyce Wrigley:
Don't forget to change your underwear.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] After Dad calmed down a bit... he looked at our side of things... and got even madder.

Monica Pearlman:
[talking about Wayne] You know in Kreb-Scouts we have a term for guys like you... 'Wuss on a Stick'!

Don Wrigley:
Suck my fumes, nimrod.

Ellen Josephine Hickle:
[Big Pete has fallen for Heather] Pete, girls like Heather don't talk to guys like you.

Big Pete Wrigley:
Wanna bet?... Hey Heather!

Heather:
Drop dead and quit breathing my air.

Nurse:
[Little Pete is being rushed into the ER] Doctor Hawkwood, Hurry!... Hold on, buster you're gonna make it.

Dr. Hawkwood:
What do we have, a car accident?

Nurse:
Cream corn poisoning.

Dr. Hawkwood:
Ohh... When will they learn... When will they learn.

Nurse:
Cream Corn is no answer.

Wayne Pardue:
[Monica is dancing on the floor] You guys check out Monica? Man, is she looking hot!

Nona Mecklenberg:
She looks the same as always.

Wayne Pardue:
No-no. There's something different about her. She's all Folk-a-delic

Ellen Hickle:
[Pete is hitting the vending machine] Hey! That's a delicate piece of machinery.

Big Pete Wrigley:
Ellen?... This is your job of the future?

Ellen Hickle:
Laugh if you want too... but pretty soon all our needs and dreams will be met by the modern miracle of vending.

Mr. Markle:
With the dot in place nothing can stand in our way. Follow me... my squids... and you will be part of something bigger than you've ever known. Total Full Frontal Victory!

Bill Korn:
What if you could have a million dollars a year for the rest of your life, but from now on your eyes had to be on your butt? Would you do it?

Seargent William Jasper:
If you could have an ox cart full of silver and enough silk clothing and three-cornered hats to last you a lifetime, but you had to clean the stables every day with your tongue, would you do it?

Teddy Forzman:
[in lunch line seeing the food] All right, it's meatloaf or fish sticks.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] In case you were wondering, by the time you're fourteen-years-old, you'll have eaten over 15,000 meals, and when you look back at all the best meals you have ever eaten, I'll bet my big toe not one of them started with a tray.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] Just for the record, you should know that meatloaf goes by several other names: pepper steak, swiss steak, cube steak, and salisbury steak. That's what the cafeteria ladies call "variety."

Bill Korn:
Magda, why's your crust always cut off your sandwiches?

Magda:
That's the way I like them. Ellen likes them that way, too.

Bill Korn:
Ahh. So, it's a girl thing.

Teddy Forzman:
What weight you gonna wrestle at, Dan?

Dan:
I might go for 118 but there's less competition at 210.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] The next two words that came spilling out of my mouth might be the two scariest words a kid can ever utter.

Big Pete Wrigley:
WHAT test?

Little Pete Wrigley:
Is this guy pickin' your scabs the way he's pickin' my scabs?

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] Just the thought of LOOKING at Beardsley's legs was enough to make anyone's gut juice curdle. That's because they're covered with big varicose veins. And if you look at 'em up close, you'll see that the veins on her legs look just like a road map of central Iowa. On the news one day, I heard about a new highway being just built through Iowa. The next day, Beardsley had a new vein in just the right place.

[challenged Little Pete to a Rock, Paper, Scissors match]

Papercut:
Paper beats Rock. Rock beats scissors. Scissors beat paper.

Younger Pete Wrigley:
Shut up and throw, drool cup.

Papercut:
[shakes hand] Rock, Paper, Scissors, throw.

[He throws paper and Little Pete throws scissors. This shocks the onlookers and angers Papercut]

Papercut:
You have no idea what you've just done.

Younger Pete Wrigley:
[smiles] Think I do.

[Papercut rolls up his sleves and Little Pete hits his wrist with his two fingers. As he leave, Papercut is furious]

Papercut:
You will grant me a rematch and you will go down.

Younger Pete Wrigley:
I don't die, used scar finger.

Papercut:
[makes a shatterstar out of paper] Then prepare to bleed.

[Tosses the paper shatterstar at Little Pete and ends up getting eaten by Artie]

[after Mr.Mecklenberg and his neighbors moves out of the way of Artie and Little Pete land canoeing]

James Mecklenberg:
I hate canoes!

Ellen Josephine Hickle:
[looking at a cup of orange Lazarus] It looks good.

Bob Oppenheimer:
It is evil, it's too tempting, too delicious, it's too cold. You think you drink it, no, it drinks you.

Artie:
You have soft hands for a man, Don

[Little Pete has driven off with Dad's lawn mower and has reached the Canadian border]

Canadian Mounty:
Name.

Little Pete Wrigley:
Dirk Melkner.

[the Canadian Mountie ride a horse and hauls Little Pete back to Wellsville where his father disciplines him]

Little Pete Wrigley:
[introducing band members] On bass guitar, her head maybe filled with numbers but her veins throb with gasoline. She's Elma 'Cooter' Fingerwood.

Miss Fingerwood:
[after playing an introduction on guitar] Heart times soul equals Rock and Roll.

Little Pete Wrigley:
[introducing band members] On drums a kid who's wanted in twenty-one states for the crime of Rocking. Clem 'Mutton Chop' Lanello.

Clem Lanell:
[after playing an introduction on drums] My Daddy was a rattlesnake and my Momma wore a six-gun.

Big Pete Wrigley:
This is my dad. And these are his new underpants.

[shows a slide of Little Pete Wrigley to the staff]

Principal Kent Schwinger:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the enemy. Notice the abundance of freckles, the innocent smile. Don't let him fool you, he's a killer.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] Meet Principal Kent Schwinger, the most despised principal in Wellsville history. It wasn't the manditory squat thrusts or the creamed corn lunches that made him so hated. It was eight v-necked dweebs called the Up With Personal Hygene singers. Every year, Schwinger inflicted their good hygene jamboree on the helpless kids of Wellsville.

Principal Kent Schwinger:
[shows him a slide of Johnny Earwax and himself] You see I always had a problem with clogged ears. Then one day at school, a little fella named Johnny Earwax sang a song that opened my ears up to a whole new world.

Ms. Burnbawer:
[awakens] That's very touching sir, but...

Principal Kent Schwinger:
But, don't you get it. The Hygene singers are coming today, April Fool's Day. I know how Wrigley thinks, he'll try something.

Ms. Burnbawer:
Aren't you being a bit paranoid?

Principal Kent Schwinger:
Paranoid.

[clicks the remote to switch to security cams which Little Pete is talking to Wayne in the boys bathroom]

Wayne Pardue:
[in the boy's bathroom] Come on, we're buds, amigos. So tell me, who are you going to prank?

Little Pete Wrigley:
That's privilege information, Wayne.

Wayne Pardue:
Why? Is it someone big? Is it Schwinger? You gotta be crazy

[Little Pete is shocked by it]

Wayne Pardue:
That's it, you're going after the man. You gotta be crazy.

Little Pete Wrigley:
Relax, Schwingsville isn't so tough.

Principal Kent Schwinger:
You don't think so, my friend.

Little Pete Wrigley:
Look we've put up with him and his stinking show for too long. Today, they're both going down.

Principal Kent Schwinger:
Bring it on, punk. I'll shread you like wheat. [turns and faces the faculty] Seen enough. Bottom line is if Wrigley's gonna be stopped, I need a pro.

[the girl is taken as she mentions that Little Pete wouldn't let them endure this. Wayne comes up with the idea to save his friend]

Wayne Pardue:
It's Pardue to the rescue.

[Runs up to Ms.Burnbawer pretending he has to use the bathroom]

Wayne Pardue:
Umm Ms.Burmbawer, can I go?

Ms. Burnbawer:
Absolutely not, Mr.Pardue. You'll have to wait until after the assembly.

Wayne Pardue:
I can't, Dr.Kleinberg says if I hold it too long it'll cause an infection. He says an infection at my age could cause my corp muscles to...

Ms. Burnbawer:
Enough! You have two minutes.

[Wayne leaves]

Wayne Pardue:
This isn't happening. Somebody slap me. [slap] owww.

Frank the crosswalk guard:
I never told anybody about this before, kid.

Little Pete Wrigley:
Shoot.

Frank the crosswalk guard:
Alright. It was eleven years ago... a Thursday. I looked away from the crosswalk to light a smoke... you know. No big deal right?... Wrong... A cat... named Mr Boots... crossed without looking. He was wasted on cat-nip. Never saw the Ford Imperial coming.

Little Pete Wrigley:
Road kill pizza?

Frank the crosswalk guard:
No... no... It was close though... too close.

Park Ranger Thorsen:
I'm gonna be looking out for you, Ahab! and so will all the plants and rocks and birds and bugs and things. Remember that!

Park Ranger Thorsen:
All ready to wrap your meaty paws all around the neck of this area's fragile ecosystem?

Dad:
You know, in a matter of moments we're all going to be famous like Meadowlark Lemon.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[inside the taxidermy store] The cruel irony of it all hit me like a gaffin hook, we were going to kill Bob so we could make him look alive.

Big Pete Wrigley:
[voiceover] Behold the glory of the varsity letter. It's only a six inch piece of low pile carpet, but once you attach it to a varsity jacket, you've got the power of the mighty 'W' - with the power to cut in line, the power to melt girls into love-putty, and the power to snicker at life from the back of class.

Beeno Gladner:
[to Pete when a wrestler gets hurt] Take this fallen squid down to the nurse. Tell her to rub some dirt on it. He should make it.

Beeno Gladner:
Cut out all that fancy stuff, son! Just grab the guy, throw him on the ground, start givin' him the business!

Beeno Gladner:
What in the blue-eyed blazes is going on here?

Ellen Hickle:
It's called a Reverse Wildigy. I can show you.

Beeno Gladner:
[laughs] Young lady, the only thing you can show me is your keister as it WALKS out that door.

Ellen Hickle:
I just wanna help the team.

Beeno Gladner:
You wanna help the team. Well then, put a pom-pom in your fist and get out there and root for these boys. Show 'em your pep!

Little Pete Wrigley:
[keeping Pete's teammate alive] All right, if we're gonna get along, there's three rules: One, sleep with your shoes on, just in case you have to make a break. Two, no eating unless I taste it first. Three, my code name is... "Shecky."

Teddy Forzman:
[impersonating Endless Mike all too perfecty] Carrot-head, I'd like to take this moment to remember the way you were - alive!

Teddy Forzman:
[roughed up by "Endless Teddy"] Where'd you learn to wrestle?

Big Pete Wrigley:
In your nightmares, Wrigley.

Teddy Forzman:
I wonder where Mike's at?

Big Pete Wrigley:
Maybe he wussed out. Too bad. I was kind of looking forward to curling his teeth.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
I am... the Doctor... of Death... and I am here... to cure YOU... of your life.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
The patient seems to be losing consciousness.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
Oh, nice move, flamehead. Round one was just a diagnosis, my friend. Round two - the surgery.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
I can't lose! I'm The Doctor of Death!

Little Girl on Driving Range:
[referring to Big Pete in the bear suit] I can smell his fear mommy, it smells like bacon.

Big Pete Wrigley:
I tried changing his mind with some bear fun facts, but his brain wouldn't budge.

Ellen Hickle:
Hey, Pete. Welcome to 'Quick as a Bunny Pizza'. You've tried the rest, now try the best.

[last lines]

Big Pete Wrigley:
So that's the story of our ordinary Saturday. If you look at it one way, you might think it was a day we'd wanna forget. Look at it another way, and you'll realize why it was a day we'll always remember.

Big Pete Wrigley:
It starts by picking the right disease to fake. You know the classics- Colds, Earaches, Pink-eye and the ever popular diarrhea.

Big Pete Wrigley:
Mr. Donovan, doesn't it mean anything to you that the first three letters in 'Unitas' are the same as the first three letters in Universe'?

Art Donovan:
Well, the first three letters in my last name is the first three letters in 'Doughnut'... and you don't see me making a big deal out of it... By the way, does somebody have something to eat around here?

Dad:
[coming up on Pete and Ellen in the car] Hey you two, what's going on?

Big Pete Wrigley:
We're playing... with a doll.

Dad:
You mother doesn't know about this, does she?

Monica Perling:
Pete, if you ever get a snake, take all your mom's high heels and throw them in the river.

Artie:
Don't let it smell your fear!

Little Pete Wrigley:
Too Late!

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] It's one of those days when all your summer dreams are burned out of your memory. Like butt flesh on a super heated back-seat.

Big Pete Wrigley:
True love, if it's really true, doesn't need an answer.

Wayne Pardue:
Hey Pit Stain. Penny for your thoughts.

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
Here's one for free. I know where you LIVE.

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
[sweating and picks up Little Pete's recharged penny] It's so beautiful and it's mine, mine, MINE!

[bus lights flash on Pit Stain's face]

Stu Benedict:
Drop it, Pit Stain.

[Pit Stain drops the penny]

Nona F. Mecklenberg:
Stu!

Stu Benedict:
By the power invested to me by the Wellsville Busing and Transit authority, You're under bus arrest.

Little Pete Wrigley:
But how'd you know we were here.

Stu Benedict:
Just passing by, the right place, right time. [faces Pit Stain] For you, wrong place, wrong time. On the bus.

[grabs Pit Stain and his cronies and escorts them to the bus]

Monica:
Hey Stu, how come the train didn't derail?

Stu Benedict:
Must be Pete's lucky day.

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
[shoves Little Pete to the ground] Have a seat, carrot head.

[jumps up to pin him and it freezes in mid air]

Big Pete Wrigley:
Meet Pit Stain, my brother's arch enemy. A glandular freak dedicated to destroying the kid who gave him, his nickname.

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
[pins Little Pete] This must be my "Lucky" day, right scamp socket.

[Pulls out a mint can]

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
Mint?

Little Pete Wrigley:
Shove it down your armpit, Pit Stain.

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
We all have our problems, Wrigley. Mines happens to be glandular.

[grabs him]

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
And yours happens to be my fist.

[raises his fist to pound him, but is stopped by Stu]

Stu Benedict:
Hi. Stu Benedict, bus driver and you're sweating all over me.

[is grossed out]

Little Pete Wrigley:
It's his glands.

Fran 'Pit Stain' Jones:
It is not. It's just unseasonably warm today

Stu Benedict:
I think the weather is perfect for you to take a hike.

Monica:
I am so sick and tired of hearing lucky this and lucky that. Why don't you take your lucky necklace stuff it down your lucky mouth before I push you down this lucky hill and make you poop in your lucky underpants?

Older Pete Wrigley:
Scientists have proven that the amount of elbow a dad has out the window is directly proportionate to how full of himself he is.

Older Pete Wrigley:
One car game the king didn't seem to mind was something called 'Road Kill Auto Bingo'.

Little Pete Wrigley:
[splat sound] Direct hit. A... a... Gopher?... no... a snake.

Older Pete Wrigley:
Mom thought the game was sick but Dad always said that sacrificing their life on the open road was the highest honor a lower life form could ever receive.

Natasha:
[in a sleepy stupor feeling the lawn] Hey, why is the grass so wet? Is it raining?... Huh?... Is it? I haven't seen it rain so why is the grass so wet?

Don Wrigley:
[Pete is sleeping outside while Teddy's over] You OK son, you need anything?

Little Pete Wrigley:
Nope, everything I need is out here.

Don Wrigley:
Everything?

Little Pete Wrigley:
Well...

Don Wrigley:
[throws Pete a roll of toilet paper] It will be out little secret.

Little Pete Wrigley:
I feel like a turd.

Joyce Wrigley:
So do I.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
Ride like the wind, soul brother.

Older Pete Wrigley:
Mike, please don't put Teddy's head in a vice.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
What are you, his dad?

Older Pete Wrigley:
Actually, I am his dad.

Older Pete Wrigley:
[talking about Endless Mike in shop class] He was one of those high-school lifers, who always seem to be in shop. You know the type, guys with names like 'Harley' and 'Fleck'. Or here's something you may not have known, socket-heads rule their turf.

Ellen Josephine Hickle:
Yum, there's nothing like a hot liver and gravy sandwich when your flying a kite.

Open Face:
Tasty, isn't it. Ever see a deer get hit by a car?

Ellen Josephine Hickle:
Sometimes when a kite is pulling really hard, doesn't it seem like its trying to get free or something.

Open Face:
It better not! They cost $6.99 each!

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] The other thing I should tell you about Mr Tastee is that no one knows his true identity.

Kid with glasses:
Who is he?

Big Pete Wrigley:
[narrating] Some people think he escaped from the state mental hospital in Durango Falls. While other or pretty sure...

Natasha:
He's that guy. I forget his name - but he use to be married to Cher.

Grandfather Wrigley:
Do you know the story of Rolling Thunder? It was a gift... to my father... from a Tibetan Holy Man. Who's dishwasher I once fixed.

Big Pete Wrigley:
It's no secret that Miss Fingerwood lives for math. She named her cat the square root of seven, and bakes Pi pies accurate to a hundred and twenty-one decimal places. Rumor has it that the first time she saw the number two, she thought is was her mother.

Endless Mike Hellstrom:
Once a dink, always a dink.