The Bill

PC Jim Carver:
Bradford? She's got about as much community spirit as Adolf Hitler.

[to PC Klein]

Cass Rickman:
You look like Dracula with the flu.

DC Mike Dashwood:
Anything else?

DI Burnside:
Yeah, a garage full of bricks.

DC Mike Dashwood:
What kind of bricks?

DI Burnside:
The kind the third little pig used to build his house out of. Brick, bricks.

PC Cass Rickman:
Smithy thinks the lotus position is having sex in a flash car.

Sgt. Matt Boyden:
When The Met employed Reg Hollis, they deprived a village of its idiot.

Chief Supt. Charles Brownlow:
Did the prisoner hurt himself?

Sgt. Matt Boyden:
Unfortunately not sir.

Sgt. Matt Boyden:
Let's keep the off air chit-chat off air shall we.

Sgt. Alec Peters:
Best thing to do is to close your office door.

Chief Inspector Derek Conway:
Yeah, and tell the world to Foxtrot Oscar.

DCC Gordon Cooper:
So, who should we expect a visit from?

Supt. Tom Chandler:
DC Mickey Webb, small bloke, yaps like a dog.

PC Cathy Bradford:
D'you think Reg is all right?

PC Gary Best:
He's not exactly Rambo is he?

Insp. Gina Gold:
Reg may not be a superhero, but I know who I'd like to be with me in a tight corner and it wouldn't be you, Best, all right!

PC Debbie Keane:
[talking about a credit card thief Sonia Papadopoulos] Hey, you know this Sonia what's-her-face?

PC George Garfield:
What you mean Sonia Shop-till-you-dropoulos?

DS John Boulton:
[a lawyer standing in his underpants in a football changing room] Oh, great. The brief in briefs.

PC Jim Carver:
Say you got a credit card, right?

DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines:
Yep.

PC Jim Carver:
And some slag's got your details...

DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines:
Yep, yep.

PC Jim Carver:
And they're usin' it, buying stuff.

DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines:
Yep, yep, what's your point?

PC Jim Carver:
Well you are still entitled to the points aren't you?

DC Alfred 'Tosh' Lines:
Penetrating intelligence like yours Jim, I don't know why you've not been promoted.

PC Jim Carver:
You takin' the mickey?

DS Geoff Daly:
[talking about a married suspect who's got his 24-year-old girlfriend pregnant and doesn't know what to do] Can't help feeling sorry for Ted

DC Rod Skase:
What? C'mon! He's trading in his clapped out old Escort for a brand new GTi. Unfortunately it's got a baby seat built in as well!

DS Geoff Daly:
You're a right bleeding heart Rod!

PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton:
[on the way to a roadblock to catch a thief who hit Boulton and escaped arrest] He's a dangerous man, Pol. So when we're checkin' these cars I want you to stay nice and close to me!

PC Polly Page:
[Gary and George laugh] I thought that's what you meant!

PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton:
You may laugh but he's knocked the crap out of CID's finest!

PC George Garfield:
Yeah well that's not very hard!

PC Gary McCann:
From the description he sounds like a dwarf!

PC Steven 'Steve' Loxton:
Well he's a vicious dwarf! He kneed DS Boulton in the orchastra stalls!

DI Burnside:
Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that.

DI Burnside:
Ask the real community what they want and they'll tell you loud and clear. Cuff 'em and stuff 'em.

DI Burnside:
[on Brownlow's secretary Marion] I'd like to do the Lambada with her.

DI Burnside:
I don't get stress... I give it.

PC Gabriel Kent:
You think I'm afraid of you Kerry? I'm not. You're like a fly buzzing around me, waiting to be swatted away.

PC Kerry Young:
Yeah, well we all know what flies are attracted to.

PC Lance Powell:
He's so far in the closet, he might as well be in Narnia!

PC Sheelagh Murphy:
I've got a husband, I know what it's like when a bloke's got the flu: somewhere between Ebola and Bubonic plague.

PC Honey Harman:
I know what they say about me at the station. A bit 40 watts. Dim.

Insp. Gina Gold:
This is not a Marxist collective, you know. When I say do it - you go do it.

PC Yvonne Hemmingway:
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

[to DS Samantha Nixon]

DS Phil Hunter:
Sergeants stick together; maybe you should join the club.

[about Inspector Gina Gold]

PC Jim Carver:
How's the dragon this morning? Is she breathing fire or smoking it?

Insp. Gina Gold:
Rules are rules, and if I thought for one minute you were bending them for anyone - including me - I'd kick you from hell to breakfast!

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
[pulls a quantity of drugs from a pushchair] "Makes a change from a cuddly toy".

Insp. Gina Gold:
What is it with these kids? Why do they have to give themselves such ridiculous names?

PC Sally Armstrong:
Its a youth culture thing.

Insp. Gina Gold:
It was a rhetorical question thank you PC Armstrong! I may be the wrong side of fifty but I am still alive!

DC Jo Masters:
Morning.

DC Mickey Webb:
Wow, late night?

DC Jo Masters:
Not particularly, what makes you think that? Can't a girl come in a little bit late for work without people casting aspersions on her good name?

DC Kezia Walker:
Is that asprin you're drinking?

DC Jo Masters:
You see, this is the problem with cynical detectives, such as yourselves... You take a few pieces of circumstantial evidence and you leap to some preconceived conclusion. There may be any number of reasons why I'm drinking this concoction of paracetamol and electro light enriched water... Maybe I'm replacing lost fluids following an early morning game of squash, or perhaps I'm simply coming down with the flu.

DC Mickey Webb:
Or perhaps you left The Seven Bells and ended up in The Octane Nightclub last night?

DC Jo Masters:
Oh... How'd you know?

DC Mickey Webb:
Erm... You've still got the stamp on your hand.

DC Jo Masters:
Don't start Mickey! I've got the mother of all hangovers and I don't want any of your southern lip! I'm just gonna drink this, bury myself in paperwork and sit quietly... [Northern Voice] Okay?

DC Jo Masters:
What's this? DC Dasari by day, Spider Woman by night?

PC Will Fletcher:
You got a minute?

DC Jo Masters:
Errr... no, as it happens, I don't... Wanna know why? I've just come from court... three months I spent preparing for that court appearance... an entire rainforest has died to provide the amount of paperwork I've submitted... the electricity bill for the unpaid overtime I've clocked, has irrevicably changed the earth's climate... and ya know what? The judge throws it out on the first day of trial, on a technicality. So no, I dont have a minute... I wanna sit at ma desk... I wanna eat a cream filled chocolate eclair... and I wanna surf the net for holidays in the Seychelles...

PC Tony Stamp:
Everything alright up there?

PC Ben Gayle:
We got a dead body!

PC Tony Stamp:
I'll take that as a no then...

DCI Jack Meadows:
So, d'ya fancy a drink?

DI Samantha Nixon:
Yeah!

DCI Jack Meadows:
Shall we ask the Super?

DI Samantha Nixon:
Nah...

DCI Jack Meadows:
Are you sure I shouldn't have picked you up somewhere else?

PC Sally Armstrong:
No its alright, if anyone askes I'll just say you're my Dad...

DC Jo Masters:
Clear off or I'll nick ya!

Suspect:
What for?

DC Jo Masters:
I'll think of somethin'!

DS Phil Hunter:
Why are attics always full of rubbish?

DS Samantha Nixon:
Mine's quite tidy actually.

DS Phil Hunter:
Well, you're a freak.

DS Samantha Nixon:
That's very kind of you

Superintendent John Heaton:
We didn't have a choice

Insp. Gina Gold:
Well you could have given them chance to open the door.

Superintendent John Heaton:
Every second counted.

Insp. Gina Gold:
Clearly, but don't you think in retrospect, that your decision was a bit rash?

Superintendent John Heaton:
Did Okaro have to put up with your constant criticism?

Insp. Gina Gold:
No, because to be honest there was alot less to criticise.

Superintendent John Heaton:
Oh please, don't stop there, you obviously have an opinion on the way I'm handling things, carry on. I'm very interested to hear what you have to say, Inspector.

Insp. Gina Gold:
You could have asked for my opinion, before you smashed into the people's house. I think it's a bit late asking now, Sir.

PC Tony Stamp:
[about PC Noble] There's something going on between her and the super. I reckon he's brought her in to spy on us.

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
She knows the super through her ex-husband. They're old mates that's all. You're such an old woman Tone'

DS Stuart Turner:
Hey, ya know what I was thinking? Erm, forget the drink, I wanna buy you dinner instead.

PC Diane Noble:
I don't really think I'm your type.

DS Stuart Turner:
Oh, no you're just my type, believe me.

PC Diane Noble:
Well then, maybe you're not mine?

DS Stuart Turner:
Oh, right... [Coughs] Well good work today...

DC Jo Masters:
Right... He got a caution for public disorder six months ago... and there are several charges of GBH and threatening behaviour... Lovely! Just the sorta' bloke ya wanna borrow money from...

DC Jo Masters:
You got any perfume?

DC Stevie Moss:
Yeah, why?

DC Jo Masters:
Might wanna give yourself a spray. Sammo's personal hygiene isn't all that.

DC Jo Masters:
And have we found anything interesting?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
No, but I smell something interesting. Apricot danish?

DC Jo Masters:
It's peach, and it's mine.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Oh come on I've been here since 6am. Give us a bite and I'll tell you about a partial print I found?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
DC Jo Masters... You're wondering how I did that aren't ya?

DC Jo Masters:
Not really, no.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Its your perfume. 'Sensual for Women' innit? Suits you... Kinda like me...

DC Jo Masters:
I hear you have a match on a partial print for me Eddie?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Yeah it was easy, you know what the stoners are like, sloppy. Always takin' their gloves off. I think its the loss of motor function.

DC Jo Masters:
Let me guess... Tray Simpson, forty-thee Rudkin Road?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Yeah.

DC Jo Masters:
Ahh... Wondering how I did that, aren't ya?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
I mean how naf is that? Big bank robber smoking Menthol! Ya know I heard it causes impot...

DC Jo Masters:
How does that help us Eddie?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Got something for you. Sticky bun... and a chocolate ?clair.

DC Jo Masters:
Eddie you're an absolute star I haven't eaten all day.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Really? Me neither.

DC Jo Masters:
Mmm, thank you! Mm mm, thanks!

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
There's a little Turkish place round the corner... Fancy a bite? My shout.

DC Jo Masters:
I've gotta get through this work Eddie.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Oh yeah. Another time maybe?

DC Jo Masters:
Sure, whenever.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Saturday night?

DC Jo Masters:
Eddie, are you asking me out on a date?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, I felt something between us, didn't- It's not that funny is it?

DC Jo Masters:
Yes, it is.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Why? I mean, we're mates aint we?

DC Jo Masters:
Yeah Eddie... we're mates yeah. C'mon, I'm gonna buy you a drink and explain...

Insp. Gina Gold:
Oh and by the way Gary, I've had to deal with enough nobs today; I'm sure it's very impessive but keep it in your trousers...

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
You've made my mind up for me. I want you to act as Family Liason Officer to the Weavers.

DS Phil Hunter:
You what?

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
You heard.

DS Phil Hunter:
Guv, I'm hardly tea and sympathy material am I?

DC Rob Thatcher:
He's not wrong there Guv.

DS Phil Hunter:
See? Can't you get Eva to do it?

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
ook. I know you've got all the listening skills and empathy of a breeze block Phil, but that's not what's needed here. Weaver's up to his neck in all sorts and some of his associates will've lost alot of money when Joel Brewer decided not to throw that fight, so, if we wanna find that little girl, we need to know who Weaver's wound up. And how nasty they are. And as you're our expert in all things nasty... low... devious...

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah thanks very much.

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
You're welcome... Shift your arse.

DC Rob Thatcher:
[laughs]

DC Rob Thatcher:
Wipe that smile off your face Constable!

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
Problems Phillip?

DS Phil Hunter:
You don't wanna know.

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
You're damn right I don't wanna know!

DC Rob Thatcher:
Nixon's been looking for you.

DS Phil Hunter:
Oh yeah, what'd ya say?

DC Rob Thatcher:
I said I didn't know where you were.

DS Phil Hunter:
Nice one! Yeah even Ken would've done better than that!

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
DS Hunter! My office now!... I said now!... Where have you been? And don't try telling me it's to do with the Brewer case.

DS Phil Hunter:
No, I slipped out.

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
You slipped out? For over two hours? What's going on?

DS Phil Hunter:
It's personal.

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
Oh is it? When I assign you to an investigation, I expect you to just get on with it, not go swanning around to goodness knows where!

DS Phil Hunter:
It was important.

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
This job, is important. Now I'm under pressure to get results here!

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah well so am I... Look, I apologise for not consulting you first, alright? Can I go back and do some work?

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
Well if it's not too much trouble!

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
I want results...

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah well I was thinking along those sorta lines aswell...

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
Well pull you're finger out! And stop skiving!

PC Nick Klein:
Where you going?

DC Eva Sharpe:
I'm gonna go and see Aaron's social worker again, I think there's something we might've missed here...

PC Nick Klein:
What about Hunter?

DC Eva Sharpe:
I'm following my instincts on this one!

PC Nick Klein:
He could go ballistic...

DC Eva Sharpe:
I don't care if he spontaneously combusts!

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
Err, today would be nice.

DS Phil Hunter:
I dunno about you, but I'm pretty sure I wont miss being bossed around by Miss Desperate To Be An Inspector Nixon.

Acting DI Samantha Nixon:
I heard that!

DS Phil Hunter:
Yes, of course ya did. With those supernatural senses she would've been dunked a few years back... Witch!

DCI Jack Meadows:
The DI's come very far very fast. He's a man with friends in high places. His father-in-law is DAC Pearson.

DC Eva Sharpe:
So the DI's beyond criticism is he Guv?

DCI Jack Meadows:
ell he thinks he's untouchable. But you concentrate on your own career, not the DI's, otherwise you'll find yourself on a downward path.

DC Eva Sharpe:
Guv... Will you be, putting it in my papers?

DCI Jack Meadows:
This is between me and you. But don't let me find you digging for dirt on a senior or any other member of my team again.

DC Eva Sharpe:
Understood.

DCI Jack Meadows:
Now, one other question. Did you find anything?

DCI Jack Meadows:
You have a choice. You can play my way, or I'll send you home, lock the door, and put two PCs outside.

DS Phil Hunter:
What you're asking me just to do nothing?

DCI Jack Meadows:
Yeah that's about the strength of it...

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah but how was I to know what the outcome would be?

DCI Jack Meadows:
Well Weaver was never gonna be too pleased was he, with you sleeping with Christine? Most husbands tend to get annoyed when someone knocks up their Mrs, and to add insult to injury, you double crossed him when he was going after Nick Klein.

DS Phil Hunter:
Listen, who's heading the MIT squad?

DCI Jack Meadows:
Sherlock Holmes as far as you're concerned!

PC Kerry Young:
This was found in your van near where this afternoon's incident took place.

PC Cameron Tait:
I think you know what's written in it Mr Osbourne.

PC Kerry Young:
Dates, times, places, vehicle registration numbers... all relating to, clamp removals. I particularly like the personal comments you've added to the entries, such as, "Vehicle owner very attractive female, the type of woman you'd ask around for sherry and volauvents".

DC Jo Masters:
D'ya know, I don't know who put what on your porridge this morning, but this whole sergeant-major impression is getting a little bit annoying.

DS Phil Hunter:
You keep your tights on alright, I'll do it myself!

DS Samantha Nixon:
Happy New Year. Are you okay?

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah, why shouldn't I be? Listen, I've been dumped by better women than you.

DS Samantha Nixon:
No you haven't.

DC Jo Masters:
Is this the same Henderson family that I read about?

DS Samantha Nixon:
Sun Hill's famous lottery winners?

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah, turns out they really do have money to burn...

PC Tony Stamp:
The DS is not much of a one for team work is he?

PC Roger Valentine:
I reckon if he thought he could get away with it, he'd put on a wig and a frock himself and of taken Beth's place.

PC Tony Stamp:
Nah he hasn't got the legs for it.

DI Samantha Nixon:
Is this the place?

DC Jacob Banks:
Tom Norris' agent said he was doing a lunch time gig.

DI Samantha Nixon:
Lunch time stripping... My life's clearly far too tame... I normally just fancy a sandwich...

DI Samantha Nixon:
Good night.

PC Nate Roberts:
Oh, Ma'am!

DI Samantha Nixon:
Eurgh, so close, yes?

PC Nate Roberts:
You're needed down the Grape and Bottle.

DI Samantha Nixon:
You mean the Seven Bells.

PC Nate Roberts:
No.

DI Samantha Nixon:
Is this... Is this some sort of, weird way of asking me out?

PC Nate Roberts:
No, its, erm... there's been a serious assault.

DI Samantha Nixon:
Well, I'm sorry Nate, I knocked off about an hour ago.

PC Nate Roberts:
Yeah, sorry. It's just, they specifically asked for a, senior, CID officer.

DI Samantha Nixon:
Right. Okay, tell them I'm on my way. And err, by the way, there are people up there, much older than me.

DI Samantha Nixon:
No, no. Go on. What's wrong with it?

DC Jacob Banks:
Nothing as such, Guv, but it's quite a list to wade through. If you want it to read better, you could break it up with some semi-colons. They're...

DI Samantha Nixon:
Yeah, little commas with dots on the top, yeah I know what they are Banksy.

DC Jacob Banks:
Right, well I wasn't suggesting that you don't...

DI Samantha Nixon:
I'd like to see you try this with Jack Meadows!

DC Jacob Banks:
That'd be Jack 'No Spell Check' Meadows?

DI Samantha Nixon:
I knew it was a mistake bringing a teacher into the department.

PC Millie Brown:
Excuse me, Ma'am. Can I just have a word with Banksy?

DI Samantha Nixon:
Only if you put your hand up first.

DS Stuart Turner:
Right... We've got a fire on Waterview Road, uniform are dealing with it but it looks accidental, so, I need anyone?

DC Jacob Banks:
There's some dry paint in custody that needs watching...

DC Mickey Webb:
Sorry I'm late Sarge, traffic was murder.

DC Jo Masters:
Oh yeah? Nothing to do with the late night you had out with Terry and Stevie then?

DC Mickey Webb:
Does this face look like it's hungover?

DC Jacob Banks:
Yes.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
The body is that of a five foot ten, caucasian male, aged twenty-two years.

DC Jacob Banks:
How can you tell that without a post-mortem?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Erm... He was a studious young man with a thirst for knowledge... Wait a minute, I'm getting more... His name was William, William Lucas...

DC Jacob Banks:
You found his wallet...?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Yeah, it was tucked under the brick work. His library card was dated 1978.

DC Jacob Banks:
So he's been in there for thirty years?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Yeah. His overdue fees must be enormous...

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
I don't mind if you wanna kiss me DC Webb, but no tongues.

DC Jo Masters:
Not like you to give up so easily...

DS Phil Hunter:
What d'you mean?

DC Jo Masters:
You get your teeth into a section eighteen search you don't normally let go?

DS Phil Hunter:
You've got a suspicious mind DC Masters.

DC Jo Masters:
Yeah, goes with the job!

DC Suzie Sim:
So that's the famous Jo Masters...

DS Ramani De Costa:
Do you know her?

DC Suzie Sim:
Her reputation preceeds her.

DS Ramani De Costa:
Really?

DC Suzie Sim:
She's worked all over. Legend has it, that there isn't a crime she hasn't solved or a criminal she hasn't nicked.

DS Phil Hunter:
Why does the black mailer want the money dropped off here? I mean how does he know no one's gonna pick it up first? And why's this location a convenient place?

DC Suzie Sim:
Well it's over looked on all four sides, and he or she might be watching us as we speak.

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah, probably in the same building as our OP; how's it going up there Jo?

DC Jo Masters:
You make a lovely couple.

DS Phil Hunter:
A lovely couple of what?

DC Jo Masters:
No comment!

DC Jim Carver:
Here you go. One fresh tortoise.

PC Reg Hollis:
Oh dear.

PC Honey Harman:
What?

PC Reg Hollis:
Well it's just as I thought... It's Greek.

PC Honey Harman:
How can you tell that?

DC Jim Carver:
The accent?

PC Reg Hollis:
It's where they come from when they're imported from the wild. Has he got any others?

DC Jim Carver:
No, that was the last one. But he said he was expecting another delivery this evening.

PC Gary Best:
Is this serious? We're doing a stakeout on some tortoises?

PC Reg Hollis:
Yeah alright Gary no jesting. Look, Jim's got some very good information that the man in the shop round the corner is expecting a delivery tonight of illegally imported wild tortoises. Get yourself outside the shop where you can have a good look at the front of it.

PC Gary Best:
Is there a back entrance?

DC Jim Carver:
No.

PC Reg Hollis:
And listen, if it all goes off we're just here, give us a shout.

PC Gary Best:
All goes off? These tortoise on crack or what? I've always wanted to be in the flying squad, and this is obviously what it's like!

DC Jacob Banks:
Give it some welly!

DC Jo Masters:
I am giving it welly!

DC Mickey Webb:
Well try and give it some proper northern welly!

DC Jo Masters:
I'll give you some northern welly in a minute!

DS Max Carter:
What's going on there?

DC Mickey Webb:
Jo's just having a slight problem with the filing cabinet.

DS Max Carter:
Try giving it some welly!

DC Jo Masters:
I AM!

DS Phil Hunter:
[Putting on aftershave]

DC Jo Masters:
That reminds me, I must get my drains sorted...

[Hums wedding march]

PC Amber Johannsen:
Put a sock in it.

PC Yvonne Hemmingway:
Oh come on, what's Tony's magic eh? How's he put you under his spell? Has he got a big wand?

DCI Jack Meadows:
Glad you could join us. How's your day going?

Sgt Phil Hunter:
Yeah, it just got better Guv. What do you need me for?

DCI Jack Meadows:
Right. You see this? When it rings, you pick it up, and you go "Hello?" like that, and then you right down the details. Think you can manage that?

PC Diane Noble:
Great... Sierra Oscar from four-eight-three... Assistance required, Dorall Road... We got any sheep dogs?

Sgt Craig Gilmore:
They've appointed a new Inspector to take over. Some woman named Gold.

Sgt. Matt Boyden:
Heaven help us all.

Sgt. June Ackland:
Sir, we're not the pink and fluffy brigade you know! I mean, if anything, dealing with race hate crime, domestic violence, means we're gonna get our hands dirtier than anyone else!

Supt. Tom Chandler:
I'm on your side June, I'm a hundred percent behind the CSU. I was just observing that your work might entail some tact and discretion that's all. Especially where the local ethnic groups are concerned.

PC Cathy Bradford:
Sorry I'm late, I've been up all night... Dodgy Indian...

PC Reg Hollis:
[about Inspector Gold] I heard she murdered a bloke once.

PC Nick Klein:
Oh yeah? What with?

PC Reg Hollis:
Bare hands probably...

DC Jo Masters:
Getting Phil to eat humble pie is one of the few highlights of my job.

FDO Robbie Cryer:
I'm even thinking of applying to the police. Next time we meet I might be on the force!

Chief Superintendent Jane Fitzwilliam:
If only we hadn't done away with the height restriction...

Sgt. June Ackland:
Ma'am?

Insp. Gina Gold:
Mmm?

Sgt. June Ackland:
I wonder if we could start again?

Insp. Gina Gold:
Why?

Sgt. June Ackland:
Because, I feel we've got off on the wrong foot.

Insp. Gina Gold:
Oh, no we haven't. We've got off at exactly the right foot.

Sgt. June Ackland:
Well it doesn't feel like that to me...

Insp. Gina Gold:
No, it wouldn't. You June, have been perfectly civil, pleasantness itself, and I have been an awkward, cantankerous cow.

Sgt. June Ackland:
Well, I wouldn't say that.

Insp. Gina Gold:
I know you wouldn't. You're far too nice, whereas me, I'm not nice. Not nice at all. And the sooner everyone around here knows that, the better. Save a whole lot of messing about.

Sgt. June Ackland:
Well you can't be all bad...?

Insp. Gina Gold:
I'm glad you think that! Be a whole lot of fun proving you wrong...

[to DS Hunter]

Insp. Gina Gold:
Now if you ever dare question my integrity again, I'll have your nuts in a jar.

[to Gemma and Des]

Supt. Adam Okaro:
Unless you're waiting for me to send letters home to your parents, get out of my office.

[about PC Gemma Osbourne]

PC Des Taviner:
I'd rather have my eyeballs ripped out and dipped in salt than spend another six hours in the Area Car with her.

PC Des Taviner:
Honey, what type of a name is that?

PC Gary Best:
Who cares what her name is? I'd give her a pint of Best!

[about PC Honey Harman]

Sgt. Matt Boyden:
She's a bit of a bungalow... you know, nothing upstairs.

Insp. Gina Gold:
There was a time i could drink any officer under the table. You ask the Super at Barton Street, I've still got the scars to prove it.

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
Ahh but you've never taken on a Dale Smith before have you?"

Insp. Gina Gold:
Alright, hands up, you win, there's a good girl. Now, call us a cab.

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
You're a cab.

[to PC Best]

Insp. Gina Gold:
Oh, and by the way, Gary, I've had to deal with enough knobs today. I'm sure it's very impressive, but keep it in your trousers, eh?

[to PC Gary Best, about PC Honey Harman]

PC Des Taviner:
She was on a plate for you. All you needed was a knife and fork.

PC Des Taviner:
I'm Des Taviner

PC Yvonne Hemmingway:
Yvonne Hemmingway

PC Des Taviner:
Yeah I know. You're my competition

PC Yvonne Hemmingway:
You don't look like a sexy black woman to me

Sgt. June Ackland:
Either their freezer's defrosted, or we've got a corpse in there.

DCI Jack Meadows:
You're accusing a fellow officer of a double murder!

TDC Brandon Kane:
Loving someone isn't holding them hostage.

DC Eva Sharpe:
Can I let you into a secret? When I said before that I was sorry I hit you. I didn't mean it. You deserved that slap.

DS Debbie McAllister:
That's okay. I didn't mean it either. I've been dying to wipe that smug little look off your face.

DC Eva Sharpe:
Make me a promise. Promise me, that you'll never change. That you'll stay that, mixed up, self centered mess that you are.

DS Debbie McAllister:
Just aslong as you don't ever lose that stuck up, 'i know better than anyone else' view of the world.

DC Eva Sharpe:
It's a deal.

DS Debbie McAllister:
Good.

DC Eva Sharpe:
Great.

DS Debbie McAllister:
Nice.

DC Eva Sharpe:
Fine... This is the bit where we hug...

DS Debbie McAllister:
Right.

[Hug]

DC Eva Sharpe:
Won't miss ya!

DS Debbie McAllister:
Me neither!

[last lines]

DCI Jack Meadows:
You're putting your trust in a cop killer

[last lines]

PC Gabriel Kent:
You see, justice has finally caught up with you. This time, you're not walking away.

DS Phil Hunter:
We're Community Safety Unit, son, and we haven't had our dinner yet, so stop messing us about!

[after Ted Roach's funeral, Jack Meadows tells Bob Cryer and Alec Peters about how his problems with one of his C.I.D. officers has made him consider resigning]

DCI Jack Meadows:
Sometimes, I could gladly strangle the little runt!

Bob Cryer:
That's one way out of the job!

[when Jack Meadows, Bob Cryer and Alec Peters visit a cottage to find a witness to the hit and run in which Ted Roach died, Alec reveals what he would plant in the garden]

Bob Cryer:
I thought you liked your allotment?

Alec Peters:
Not where I live. Everything I grow gets nicked.

DCI Jack Meadows:
What's the point of having rank if you can't pull it?

Bob Cryer:
You're not thinking of packing it all in are you?

DCI Jack Meadows:
I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment. Too many office politics in the job. Too much back-stabbing.

Alec Peters:
There's always been back stabbing.

DCI Jack Meadows:
Yeah but this new lot stab you in the front aswell. And they smile while they're doing it. I've got this DI called Manson, and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. All he thinks about is how he's going to get promoted. I could cheerfully strangle the little runt.

Alec Peters:
That's one way out of the job!

[Kerry has discovered Gabriel's real identity]

PC Kerry Young:
I know what you are, and I know who you are.

PC Gabriel Kent:
[walking away with his back turned] Yeah, yeah...

PC Kerry Young:
You're not gonna get away with it this time.

PC Gabriel Kent:
I'm getting tired of your empty threats, Kerry.

PC Kerry Young:
Oh this one's far from empty, *David* Kent!

[Gabriel stops dead]

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
I do hope you're gonna be able to sleep at night?

Supt. Adam Okaro:
I don't think....

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
You do know you'r decision to hold back the ambulance, may have contributed to Kerry's death

Insp. Gina Gold:
Not now Smithy, it's not the time

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
It was obvious the shooting had finished, and nobody was in danger, so why did you stop the ambulance?

Supt. Adam Okaro:
We'll talk about this later

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
No i wanna talk about this now

PC Gabriel Kent:
You ok sarge? Can i offer you a lift home? I't must have been terrible, were you with her until she died?

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
What are you Gabrielle? Some kinda vulture

PC Gabriel Kent:
I was just wondering, did she say anything to you at the end. I mean did she try and talk at all?

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
What did you thinks she was gonna say? That she was fighting for her life. That she didn't want to die. She was bleeding to death from a hole in her chest and there was nothing i could do

PC Gabriel Kent:
Well if theres anything i can do?

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
Yeah, you can get outta my face

[on DS Samantha Nixon missing the funeral of PC Kerry Young]

DS Phil Hunter:
Well you didn't miss much, well apart from Gabriel throwing a Gwyneth.

DI Neil Manson:
What's this...? You're telling me you want to resign?

DS Debbie McAllister:
With immediate effect.

DI Neil Manson:
Is this about what happened with your son? Cos' you finally realised you can't hack the job aswell as being a single mother?

DS Debbie McAllister:
You'd love to think that wouldn't you? Well you'd be wrong.

DI Neil Manson:
Well surprise me... Why would you wanna give up a career and a police pension after the biggest result you've ever had?

DS Debbie McAllister:
Which means I've got nothing else to prove. You see, thats the difference between you and me. All you think about is what's here, in this office. And a big fat pension at the end of it. Well I want more than that, I wanna go out there and see what else I can be.

DI Neil Manson:
Pipe dreams Debbie. Do you really think I haven't felt like that from time to time, eh? Fed up, wanting to chuck it all in.

DS Debbie McAllister:
Atleast I've got the guts to go out there and do something about it. Whereas you just sit there with your files and your clear-up rates. No real family life. Feeling nothing except what this job gives you.

DI Neil Manson:
Is that it?

DS Debbie McAllister:
No, it's not actually. The way you're always sniping and trying to undermine the DCI, you're like some angry little gerbil nipping at a bull dog. Truth is, Jack's twice the man you are, and four times the copper. Think about that; when your counting your paperclips...

Supt. Adam Okaro:
Jack; Neil. I believe you already know, DC Jo Masters.

DC Jo Masters:
Jack; Neil. Good to see you both again.

DI Neil Manson:
Yeah, you too Jo.

DCI Jack Meadows:
So, you're joining us then?

DC Jo Masters:
Yeah I'm looking forward to it... I'm sure we'll make a great team.

Supt. Adam Okaro:
Well that's all for now gentlemen, if you'll excuse us. Jo and I have a few more things to run through.

DI Neil Manson:
Sir.

DCI Jack Meadows:
[Jack & Neil Leave Office] Jo Masters aye? So how do you know her?

DI Neil Manson:
We worked on a joint operation together, how about you?

DCI Jack Meadows:
I've only met her a couple of times, at police doos. But I know her reputation. She's gonna make our lives hell isn't she?

DI Neil Manson:
Absolutely.

Supt. Adam Okaro:
[Back In Office] They're good officers... but... they're so busy bickering with each other at the moment that they've become distracted. Which is where you come in, do you think you're up to telling our DCI and DI a few home truths?

DC Jo Masters:
Up to it? Oh I'm looking forward to it.

Supt. Adam Okaro:
It's a strong CID team, but with them at each other's throats at the moment, well the holes are starting to appear. It's your job to show them where they're going wrong. I want you on their case Jo, morning, noon and night.

DC Jo Masters:
Not a problem. When I start, they wont know what's hit them.

DI Neil Manson:
[Jack and Neil have been handcuffed together] My back's itchin'!

DCI Jack Meadows:
So what do you want me to do about it?

DI Neil Manson:
Come on Guv... I'd scratch yours.

DCI Jack Meadows:
Make a change from stabbing it!

DI Neil Manson:
[Jack relents and scratches Neil's back] Down a bit...

DI Neil Manson:
I can't believe this! I cannot believe this! I knew this was going to be a bad day, I knew it! The moment that Jo Masters walked in the building, I knew something was gonna kick off!

DCI Jack Meadows:
Neil, will you do me a favour?

DI Neil Manson:
What?

DCI Jack Meadows:
Just put a sock in it will ya? It's bad enough being here without you whining on!

DCI Jack Meadows:
[Some Time Later] Are you still sulking or have you passed out?

DI Neil Manson:
My backs itchy.

DCI Jack Meadows:
So what do you want me to do about it?

DI Neil Manson:
Come on Guv, I'd scratch yours.

DCI Jack Meadows:
Make a change from stabbing it.

DCI Jack Meadows:
[Some More Time Later] You took your time.

DI Neil Manson:
Four hours. Four hours we've been stuck in here.

DC Jo Masters:
Glad to see you've not lost your charm.

DI Neil Manson:
You just concentrate on doing your job DC Masters, instead of always trying to antagonise your senior officers.

DCI Jack Meadows:
Just how long does it take to search one hospital floor?

DC Jo Masters:
I should've known you'd both try and blame someone else for the mess you got yourselves into...

DI Neil Manson:
What's that supposed to mean?

DC Jo Masters:
Can you manage Honey?

PC Honey Harman:
Yeah...

DC Jo Masters:
I've got better things to do with me time.

PC Honey Harman:
She's been great. Hero of the hour!

DC Jo Masters:
We've got ourselves a major break through on this one, boys. Looks like I've uncovered another member of the gang, though, nowhere near as good looking as the other two... That is you changing the proceeds of drugs money, flashing your warrant card, and consulting with the chief suspect, isn't it DC Best...?

DC Jim Carver:
Give me the SP on the ISP ASAP!

PC Roger Valentine:
What was the cash for?

Harry Clifford:
Sadie. She's a... well, you know... the lady of the night. Only for me it has to be the day - I nod off after 7 o'clock.

DS Ramani De Costa:
Two months ago, you rang up my ex and told him that I was dead. You stole files, important documentation from me. Yesterday you had me arrested 'cause you told the police that I was harassing you. And today you nearly murdered my colleague. Now, which part of this are you apologising for?

Insp. Gina Gold:
[to Smithy, after being presented with a large bouquet of flowers] Put those in water. Preferably the Thames.

PC Roger Valentine:
I thought about going to Australia myself once

DS Phil Hunter:
What stopped you?

PC Roger Valentine:
I don't know, I guess I prefer my spiders without teeth and my women with them

Insp. Gina Gold:
Ooh! What's this - a boyband?

DC Suzie Sim:
Gay sauna raid, ma'am.

Insp. Gina Gold:
Not far wrong, then.

PC Leela Kapoor:
Have you seen Amber?

PC Dan Casper:
No she just nipped out on her broomstick!

DS Phil Hunter:
Did you know the detection rate audit was this week?

DS Samantha Nixon:
Yeah, the DCI sent around an email last Monday

DS Phil Hunter:
So why didn't I get it?

DS Samantha Nixon:
Didn't get it? Or didn't read it...? Three off your target? Even DC Sim's solved more crimes than you! As if she isn't smug enough already!

DS Phil Hunter:
Listen, the only thing Manson cares about is promotion. Just the thought of a top three finish in the MET's lead tables gives him a hot flush!

PC Lewis Hardy:
So basically, I've just gotta put up and shut up?

Insp. Gina Gold:
That's what I like about you Lewis. Fast learner.

Insp. Gina Gold:
Rationing finished in 1953, in case it passed you by - could I have another sausage, please?

Superintendent John Heaton:
Well done everyone... You passed today's little test. But don't worry, you'll be getting plenty more.

DS Stuart Turner:
Well you've got our full support Sir, and we're ready for any test you set us.

Superintendent John Heaton:
Good. You can get your head out of my back side now DS Turner.

Nick Lawson:
I want a solicitor!

DC Mickey Webb:
And I want a beautiful blonde with legs up-to here, but unfortunately, you and I are stuck with each other.

DS Stuart Turner:
Hey, ya know what I was thinking? Erm, forget the drink, I wanna buy you dinner instead.

PC Diane Noble:
I don't really think I'm your type.

DS Stuart Turner:
Oh, no you're just my type, believe me.

PC Diane Noble:
Well then, maybe you're not mine?

DS Stuart Turner:
Oh, right...

[Coughs]

DS Stuart Turner:
Well good work today...

Sgt. June Ackland:
Ma'am, there's a Peter Harris waiting for you in the front office.

Insp. Gina Gold:
I knew that bloke was gonna turn up early!

Sgt. June Ackland:
Who is he?

Insp. Gina Gold:
Oh he's some local big wig. You know our safer neighbourhood campaign? He's gonna pay for the posters.

Sgt. June Ackland:
Oh well that's a bit of good publicity...

Insp. Gina Gold:
Oh no, he's got his own printing firm. So it's not going to cost him much, is it? It's a way to get in with the council, you know, network a bit. Forget that we can't see a thing in custody! But he's a VIP and the Superintendent wants to roll out the bloody red carpet!

[Some time later]

Peter Harris:
I was discussing the posters with the Superintendent, and he suggested I come in for a guided tour and see the station in action. If I'd known you were taking me jogging I'd have put on a pair of trainers...

Insp. Gina Gold:
I'm so sorry, but some clown of a workman has just knocked out the power to custody.

Peter Harris:
I thought you weren't too chuffed to see me.

Insp. Gina Gold:
It's nothing personal, but I must chase up my engineer. He tends to get here a bit quicker when threatened with strangulation.

DI Neil Manson:
[to Jake with Matt Hinckley] Jake, this is Matt. He is a CPS solicitor. Do you want him to tell you how he puts away the villains.

Jake Manson:
No thanks. My project's on Dad's at work.

DI Neil Manson:
Worth a go.

Davey Rolfe:
What d'you mean you can't give guarantees? Burnside, remember him? He always gave guarantees.

DC Jo Masters:
I gather we're getting a new DI to work alongside DI Manson?

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah they're holding the interviews today.

DC Jo Masters:
Well I hope they find someone a little less po-faced than him. First thing he said to me this morning was 'that desk is a mess'!

DI Neil Manson:
Second thing I'm gonna say is it still is...

P.C. Carver:
[Carver is doing a crossword puzzle] What's a big bird, 5 and 3 ending in T?

W.P.C. Ackland:
Er... tit.

P.C. Carver:
Eh?

W.P.C. Ackland:
Grey tit. Well don't you normally associate that with birds?

Sgt. Cryer:
[At Lord Barstow-Smythe's residence] What took you so long?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Litten. He's a lousy driver.

P.C. Edwards:
[Litten is typing up a report on Lord Barstow-Smythe's stolen necklace before Edwards enters the room] How's it going with the superstars then?

P.C. Litten:
What do you want?

P.C. Edwards:
There's a rather nice young lady at the front desk. Says she want's to see the man in charge. Now I told her that Clouseau had gone home I did, but his assistant I said, he's something else and your in luck, because he's working late.

P.C. Litten:
[Litten sticks two fingers up at Edwards and Edwards chuckles. Stressed, Litten scrunches up the piece of paper and throws it] Ah, sh*t!

P.C. Edwards:
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. You'll soon be back on the beat, boy.

[Edwards picks up the scrunched up piece of paper that Litten threw and puts it in the bin before leaving the room]

P.C. Litten:
How do you spell that then, guv?

Lord Barstow-Smythe:
Spell what?

P.C. Litten:
Objet, whatchamacallit?

Lord Barstow-Smythe:
Objet d'art.

P.C. Carver:
[to Litten, after seeing Galloway] What's up with him?

P.C. Litten:
Indigestion. Always the same after he's had a big meal.

P.C. Litten:
[takes a packet of cigarettes from a cigarette vending machine, and looks at it] Blimey. If my mum sees that, she'll kill me.

D.C.I. Burnside:
I'll tell you what - I've had my fill of trawling gay bars.

D.C.I. Meadows:
Not enjoying your work then?

D.C.I. Burnside:
I feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

[Liz Rawton asks Rosie how she's getting on at Sunhill]

W.P.C. Fox:
Half the relief think I'm a stuck-up, duplicitous cow, but apart from that it's just great.

D.C.I. Burnside:
[Getting out of the Police Van, Frank sees George] Hello George, how you doing?

P.C. Garfield:
Yeah, yeah, coping fine.

P.C. Santini:
[Jim and John lead him inside the police station] So that's the stuff of legends is it?

P.C. Garfield:
Used to be.

D.C.I. Burnside:
[Frank is brought into Custody where Bob sees him after 5 years] Hello Bob, think I've got a reservation.

Sgt. Cryer:
[Sgt. Peters is eating a sandwich in the CAD room] Oi, no sandwiches in here!

Sgt. Peters:
It's cheese and chutney!

Sgt. Cryer:
Oh, well, that's alright then.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
[Galloway has run into the back of a taxi cab and gets into a fierce argument with the cabby not long before all the other cabbies get involved] You're worse than the mafia, you lot!

W.P.C. Ackland:
[to Hollis] You don't know where Viv is, do you?

P.C. Hollis:
No, no, I don't.

W.P.C. Ackland:
Ah, now you see that's the problem. You're missing out on all the juicy bits of gossip.

P.C. Hollis:
What juicy bits of gossip?

[Ackland walks out of the canteen]

P.C. Hollis:
Oh, June, hold on!

Sgt. Cryer:
[to Martella, after seeing her in casual dress] Yeah. Why don't you let me take up mugging?

W.P.C. Martella:
You're welcome to try, Sarge.

Sgt. Bob Cryer:
Never Volunteer; it's an old army saying.

DI Burnside:
I'll have to remember that next time I'm in an old army.

Keith Harkness:
I don't have great faith in the police force - no offence.

DI Neil Manson:
Some taken.

DC Jo Masters:
Phil...? You sure you're doing the right thing? You moving to special projects feels like Rambo moving to Dibley...

DS Phil Hunter:
Really? I dunno... I reckon its time for a new challenge. Clearly not gonna turn you straight am I?

PC Diane Noble:
Alright ladies? How are you coping with the imminent loss of DS Hunter?

DC Jo Masters:
Don't... His aftershave used to cancel out Stuart's. We'll all we wearing gas masks by the end of the week...

PC Billy Rowan:
You a virgin aswell?

PC Sally Armstrong:
Not unless I've just been born again...

PC Billy Rowan:
PC Billy Rowan, it's my first day. They said I'd be starting with someone else.

PC Sally Armstrong:
Sally Armstrong. But I'm no first timer I've just done two years at Harrongate.

PC Billy Rowan:
Straight out of Hendon me... Reckon they've forgotten about us?

PC Sally Armstrong:
They're probably just busy.

PC Billy Rowan:
What do you say we walk out in protest? Look, this is gonna sound a little hasty, but, how about, a leisurely breakfast, a walk in the park, pub lunch, catch an afternoon film, cocktails, dinner and live happily ever after? What d'ya think?

PC Sally Armstrong:
I'm thinking... No. But thank you. You're very forward for a virgin.

PC Billy Rowan:
You're only young once m'love.

Insp. Gina Gold:
The fairness at work team are sending over a Ms. Pamela Kervin to look into the bullying allegation against me.

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
I'm sure it's just a formality, Emma's told the Superintendent that she was over reacting. Anyway, I know how much you love people from HR.

Insp. Gina Gold:
Anything else Sergeant Smith?

DC Terry Perkins:
Listen to me! You got an awful lot to learn about bein' a copper, you know that?

DS Max Carter:
Oh, right. What, like one day I might be as good as the great DC Perkins, is that what you're saying?

DC Terry Perkins:
You listen to me Sergeant, I don't need a badge to tell me how to do my job, that comes with experience, twenty years of it.

DS Max Carter:
And look how much safer the streets of Sun Hill are for it!

DC Terry Perkins:
Thankfully you're not toting a gun with SO19 anymore. Things take time!

DS Max Carter:
Yeah, clearly they do. Twenty years and you're still a DC, now why is that?

DC Terry Perkins:
That's because this isn't a stepping stone to my career. This is my life, and I don't need some jumped up wannabe telling me how to live it, understand me?

[DI Burnside is being subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse from a woman while making an arrest]

DI Burnside:
Stick her on.

WPC Suzanne Ford:
What's the charge?

DI Burnside:
Possession of an offensive mouth!

Steven Clemens:
We each get dealt a hand in life. Some get a good one. Some not so good. We'll all have to play the cards as best we can.

Steven Clemens:
I'm a killer!

P.C. Quinnan:
Rosie, Eddie's desperate to know if you're available.

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
Oh, I thought he was just desperate.

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
Is the chip on your shoulder permanent or do you take it off on rest days?

[Eddie's not convinced that Rosie will be able to do an undercover job as a prostitute when she's really a graduate]

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
I'm not planning to attract Bellman's attention in a gown and mortar board.

[Eddie's worried that Rosie's getting out of her depth]

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
I'm a big girl, Ed. I can take care of myself.

[to Eddie when he was worried that she would get into trouble when undercover]

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
OK, I'll send up a smoke signal, or run up a flag, or maybe you could teach me some semaphore; how about that?

[In the locker-room after a post-op party]

Eddie Santini:
I thought we could do something later.

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
Like what, Ed? A game of crazy golf?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Anyone know what 'MO' is? [turns to Edwards] Edwards?

P.C. Edwards:
Er, medical orderly, sir. [All the other officers sn*gger]

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Modus Operandi. Latin.

P.C. Edwards:
Oh.

P.C. Hollis:
[referring to Bob Cryer] He's a nosy git, innit he?

W.P.C. Ackland:
A good sergeant knows what's going on in his nick.

[the car thief, Carver's first arrest, is in the charge room, about to have is name taken down by Sgt. Penny]

Sgt. Penny:
Games aren't gonna do you no good, son. Now what's your name?

Lennie:
[gives Penny a false name] Mickey.

Sgt. Penny:
Right, now we're being sensible. Michael...

Lennie:
Mouse.

[Edwards, who is also in the charge room, discreetly sn*ggers]

Lennie:
[cheerfully] Mickey Mouse.

Sgt. Penny:
Alright, sunshine, you want to play silly-buggers...

Lennie:
I want to see the CID. DI or DCI, nothing lower.

Sgt. Penny:
You what? Fat chance, pal. You, if you haven't noticed, are in dead lumber.

Sgt. Cryer:
You know, Roy, sometimes, just sometimes, you're almost human.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Oh, get stuffed!

DC Jo Masters:
Are they as painful as they look?

Sgt Phil Hunter:
Yeah! It's like a guillotine injury

Sgt Nikki Wright:
...Phil, before you go out making the borough a safer place... Get a uniform that fits...

[last lines]

D.I. Burnside:
[John Carrick has closed his front door on Burnside, Woods and Croft] Got any helpful suggestions?

W.P.C. Croft:
Dunno Guv. It's an arrestable offence. Break the door down? [Burnside kicks the door in]

Sgt Phil Hunter:
Right... We'll run the names of all the employees through the computer, see if anyone's got any form. I also think it's worth running a financial check on the employees as well as the Morrises and the Etheridges.

DC Jo Masters:
One day Phil, you should think about joining CID...

[laughs]

Sgt Phil Hunter:
Yeah I'd like that, only I don't think I could carry off smart-casual like Stuart.

Radio Operator:
[Neil and Stevie are pursuing a male suspect who is a Kylie Minogue impersonator. Stevie has radioed their location in] What's the description?

DC Stevie Moss:
Well, have you ever seen the video "I Can't Get You Out of My Head"? Well, it's a bit like that!

Gay Bloke:
Come on Inspector, we can have a look together.

DC Stevie Moss:
I think you might be in there Guv...

DI Neil Manson:
Shut it.

Sgt. Jo Masters:
Guys - I'm gay, not deaf.

PC Roger Valentine:
Ah, Jo.

DC Jo Masters:
Yes...?

PC Roger Valentine:
Let me introduce you to our new transfers. This is PC Arun Ghir and PC Leon Taylor.

DC Jo Masters:
Hiya.

PC Roger Valentine:
Boys this is DC Jo Masters, one of our absolutely finest detectives.

DC Jo Masters:
This better be good Roger...

PC Roger Valentine:
It is; we've got a bloke in the front interview room. He claims he's being victimised.

DC Jo Masters:
Yes I'm beginning to know how he feels!

PC Arun Ghir:
Do you want me to smash it in?

DC Jo Masters:
Hang on a minute, cowboy.

DC Jo Masters:
What is it? Leon said you had news?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
And I do... The blood in the basement, it's not Malcolm's.

DC Jo Masters:
It's not?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
Nope.

DC Jo Masters:
It's not.

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
No... Look, the blood in the basement's type O, very common, like me...

DC Jo Masters:
Pardon?

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
I mean I'm type O, not- anyway, according to the medical records the Northlawn Carehome sent over, Malcolm Town's blood type is A B Negative. And that's a good thing right? I mean we don't want Mr Town's blood splattered all over the floor and walls do we?

DC Jo Masters:
o... I mean yes that's good news. And, you're not just a pretty face!

CSE Eddie Olosunje:
She thinks I'm pretty...

Sgt Matt Boyden:
[Jim and Cass bring Ted into Custody where a prisoner is heard singing in the background] What have you got, something to shut the paparazzi up I hope.

PC Jim Carver:
Drink driver Sarge.

Sgt Matt Boyden:
This time off day. [Notices the prisoner is Ted Roach] Tell me I'm dreaming.

Ted Roach:
Your worst nightmare.

[Rosie's boss and boyfriend, DCI Richard Pallister, accuses her of having feelings for Eddie Santini]

D.S. Rosie Fox:
Oh, I do enjoy a thorough, well-considered argument!

[to Pallister, who thinks she's too involved in a case]

D.S. Rosie Fox:
Just because I'm sleeping with you doesn't mean I can't do my job.

DI Burnside:
If you don't keep your eye on the ball, old son, Jesus will not be your friend - he'll be your next door neighbour!

[D.C Carver has twisted his ankle chasing a suspect]

D.I. Burnside:
What happened to you? I told you to get on a bus, not lie in front of one.

Sgt. Penny:
[Final lines]

Sgt. Penny:
[Jim brings in a suspect who's hands are glued to a bed rail] Can't we even afford handcuffs now Carver.

Sgt. Callum Stone:
[Stevie has picked a lock on a briefcase using a hairpin] Well where did you learn to do that?

DC Stevie Moss:
Mother of The Holy Trinity Catholic Girls' School. Where the boys' school was just a padlocked fence away.

Rev. Marcus Ogan:
[quoting the bible] "I was in prison and ye came unto me. I was hungry and ye gave me meat."

P.C. Able:
It's macaroni cheese, actually.

DCI Jack Meadows:
What the hell were you doing in a nail bar having a manicure?

DS Phil Hunter:
It was a legitimate tactic to get close to the witness.

DCI Jack Meadows:
Bollocks!

DS Phil Hunter:
Here Guv. Stuart thinks he's gonna compromise the case we're working on because he dated the victim. What do you think?

DCI Jack Meadows:
How long did you go out with her?

DS Stuart Turner:
Not long Guv.

DCI Jack Meadows:
How long?

DS Stuart Turner:
Couple of dates...

DCI Jack Meadows:
D'you give her one?

DS Stuart Turner:
Erm...

DCI Jack Meadows:
Well I can't see what the problem is. Get on with it and stop messing about!

Insp. Monroe:
...so do me a favour sergeant and act like a grown-up for once.

D.S. Roach:
Grown-up? Oh you'd know all about that, huh? Only I always thought it was little boys who needed uniforms with shiny buttons to make them feel big, Inspector.

Sgt. Callum Stone:
[Last lines] Married to the job.

Insp. Dale Smith:
Tell me about it. Quite a day, though.

Sgt. Callum Stone:
Got through. Can't ask for more than that.

Insp. Dale Smith:
Guess not. So why do we do it, eh?

Sgt. Callum Stone:
The perks and the pay, isn't it? [Stone and Smith laugh] No, it's the people. [They nod in agreement] Let's get that drink.

DC Danny Glaze:
[Seeing how suspiciously friendly Don Beech seems with a woman he said he'd just 'met' a couple of times] Met as in one meets? Well in that case, if you want me to 'met off', Sarge, then just say the word!

Sgt. Cryer:
[surprised to see Burnside] Detective Sergeant Burnside? What are you doing here?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
[angry] Don't talk to him, Bob! [to Burnside] Come here!

Lager Lout:
You're a fascist.

Sgt. Penny:
And you're a d*ckhead. Unfortunately we can't charge you for it.

DI Freddie Collins:
Hey - what's the difference between PMT and BSE? One's mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.

DI Freddie Collins:
[to Liz and Kate] Hey, when this is all over we should try a threesome.

DI Liz Rawton:
The only threesome you'll be trying is the one with your cellmate.

Hayley Turner:
I've changed my mind, I'm not keeping it. What do I want a baby for, I've got to go inside haven't I?

P.C. Dale Smith:
So? You'll get out,

Hayley Turner:
She's better off without me...

P.C. Dale Smith:
Hang on, let's have a look at this... The granddad is a child abuser, the father's a pimp and the mother... well you're not much more than a lying tom.

Hayley Turner:
And it's only the lying tom that's going down, isn't it?

P.C. Dale Smith:
So what's going to happen to the baby?

Hayley Turner:
Exactly. Best give her up then, yeah?

P.C. Dale Smith:
Listen, you have children, you owe 'em.

Hayley Turner:
It's easy for you to say that...

P.C. Dale Smith:
Right... You're going down the hospital now - even if I have to drag you!

Factory Girl #1:
Gonna get our wages back for us, are you, Guv?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Gonna try, love.

Factory Girl #2:
You can question me any time you like!

Det. Insp. Galloway:
You never know your luck...

Factory Girl #1:
Oi! Don't leave me out - I've got an itchy fanny!

[both factory girls laugh]

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
What about Ryan Jones? When're you gonna get round to taking his statement?

DS Phil Hunter:
Yeah, listen. Erm, I'll deal with that when I get back. Can you just keep him sweet for me?

Sgt Dale 'Smithy' Smith:
Oh yeah sure, anything else? Date with Cameron Diaz while I'm at it?

DS Phil Hunter:
Oh, that'd be nice, cheers.

Det. Sgt. Roach:
Listen, why don't I go out on obbo tonight, and see if they move the load?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
I know what you're thinking, Ted, but you're going to that retirement party, whether you like it or not.

Det. Sgt. Roach:
Henry Talbot is a 24-karat prat!

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Look, what's that got to do with it?

Det. Sgt. Roach:
The man is a prat, I don't even like him!

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Well, he's not exactly my blood brother either, but the Chief Super has said everybody's got to be there and you will be there, Ted!

Det. Sgt. Burnside:
[at the retirement party, to Litten, referring to Ackland, who is the bar maid] She's quite a tasty bird, innit she?

P.C. Litten:
Yeah, well you can keep your drawers off her, skip, she's taken!

Det. Sgt. Burnside:
Oh, really?

P.C. Litten:
Yeah!

Det. Insp. Galloway:
What's your problem Ackland?

W.P.C. Ackland:
Sir, Carver and Edwards have been on the radio, apparently they chased a man over the roof and the man tried to run them over in a car.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Did he get away?

W.P.C. Ackland:
Yeah.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Bloody hell, have you circulated the number?

W.P.C. Ackland:
No.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Well circulate it then.

W.P.C. Ackland:
But sir, the car's got diplomatic plates.

Det. Sgt. Roach:
[after being informed by Galloway about the equipment needed for the drugs raid] What are we going to hit, guv'nor? Fort Knox?

Tombo Robertson:
Will I be arrested?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Of course.

Tombo Robertson:
Well, what then?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Well, my old son, haven't you heard of the story about the one that gets away? [Pats Tombo on the back and leaves]

Sgt. Cryer:
[to Maggie] You must have more tins of salmon at home than John West!

[Litten, Cryer and Martella are in the floor of the foyer in Decker's Club, frisking suspects for drugs]

P.C. Litten:
'Ere, you don't want to swap places with this one, do ya, Viv?

W.P.C. Martella:
Not if it's a rubber glove job, I don't.

Sgt. Cryer:
Now, cut out the romance, you two.

[Sgt. Cryer enters the charge room to find it jam-packed with the suspects from the drugs raid, along with a stressed Sgt. Penny, who is taking their names down]

Sgt. Penny:
[raises his voice to all the suspects in the charge room] One at a time, what do think I am, a bloody robot? LET'S HAVE SOME QUIET, PLEASE!

Sgt. Cryer:
[to Penny] 'Ere, is that perspiration on your forehead?

Sgt. Penny:
How would you know?

Sgt. Cryer:
Listen, I've got someone to make an old man very happy.

[Sure enough, Maggie, along with Miss Newnham, enters the charge room]

Sgt. Penny:
Oh, no!

Maggie:
[to Penny] Well, if you're gonna be like that, I'll come back later. I don't mind.

Sgt. Penny:
[to Miss Newnham] Salmon?

Miss Newnham:
Yes, 3 tins.

Sgt. Penny:
All a mistake, I suppose.

Maggie:
[to Penny] Well, I wouldn't do it on purpose, would I?

Sgt. Penny:
[sighs] What on earth are we going to do with you, Maggie?

Maggie:
Well, you can start off, by making me a nice cup of tea.

[Vicky Hagen makes a bitchy comment in the ladies' toilets]

W.P.C. Rosie Fox:
Is this just mindless prejudice, Vicky, or have you got any particular reasons for disliking me?

DC Grace Dasari:
Oh you smell delicious, is that a new aftershave?

DC Will Fletcher:
New product, new job, ya know...

DC Jo Masters:
Wow, new jacket too, where's the suit and tie?

DC Will Fletcher:
Well I thought I better find my own style as a detective, ya know, establish my, personality.

DC Jo Masters:
Okay Terry- Oh, I mean, yeah Will!

Sgt. Maitland:
[Gary is chasing John Stack] [On radio] Sierra Oscar from 63, Gary's almost on suspect, I'm still with him.

Sgt. Wilson:
[Gary chases John past Sgt. Wilson's car who is on observation who sees him and gets on his radio] Burnside from Wilson... [cuts to to Sgt Maitland as Sgt. Wilson continues on his radio]... we have a small problem.

D.I. Burnside:
[D.I. Burnside and D.C. Carver see Sgt. Maitland pass their car] I don't believe this.

Det. Sgt. Roach:
[Dashwood is typing up a report for Roach] That's not how you spell 'accommodation', is it?

[Roach tries to write it himself]

Det. Sgt. Roach:
That doesn't look right does it? Come on, you went to bloody grammer school. Let's see you spell it without a dictionary.

Det. Con. Dashwood:
[Writes the word 'lodgings' on a notepad]

Det. Sgt. Roach:
[Roach picks up the notepad and looks at it] Lodgings. I suppose you think that's funny.

Det. Sgt. Roach:
[Cryer walks furiously out of Galloway's office after an argument and drops pieces of paper on the floor without picking them up] Hey! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?

[Once more Cryer ignores Roach]

Det. Sgt. Roach:
Well say bloody sorry or something, ya berk!

Det. Sgt. Roach:
[Roach picks up the pieces of the paper off the floor just as Galloway comes out of his office] What the hell was all that about, guv?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
[Galloway licks his finger and pretends to draw a number 1] Superstars: 1, Woodentops: Nil.

[Galloway, Roach and Dashwood chuckle in amusement]

W.P.C. Ackland:
[to Galloway] I've always been told, if you can cop a plea of guilty in court, cop a plea of guilty!

W.P.C. Ackland:
You've got to be joking. That pair, Bonnie and Clyde?

P.C. Carver:
Well, the description fits.

W.P.C. Ackland:
We've been had over, do you know that, bloody well had over. I'll murder that Bloomfield.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Got some good news for you, Johnny Boy.

Johnny Bloomfield:
Yeah?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Gotta take you back to court, get that handling charge quashed.

Johnny Bloomfield:
Don't get ya.

Det. Insp. Galloway:
That gear wasn't nicked.

Johnny Bloomfield:
Still don't get ya

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Counterfeit, my old son.

Johnny Bloomfield:
It's what?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
Rubbish.

Johnny Bloomfield:
Oh, you've got to be joking, I payed a lot of money for that bit of gear.

Johnny Bloomfield:
Why don't ya ring the nick, Galloway? Have them all round here?

Det. Insp. Galloway:
[to Bloomfield] Somebody's grassed you up, my old son.

W.P.C. Ackland:
[to Bloomfield] Done you up like a kipper.

P.C. Carver:
Can't trust anybody.

[Galloway and Ackland stare at Carver]

P.C. Carver:
Well, you can't, can ya?

[Galloway, Ackland and Carver, leave the flats, just as a woman walks past them and turns to Bloomfield]

Johnny Bloomfield:
Pity, you haven't got anything better to do, than come crashing up here like that!

Woman in Flats:
You bleeding well tell them, Johnny Boy!

Johnny Bloomfield:
[leans over the balcony and shouts out at Galloway, Ackland and Carver] BLOODY PIGS!

P.C. Edwards:
[on the phone] Message read's "The Ides of March are upon you". Yes, you know what it means.

Sgt. Matthew Boyden:
[to Sgt. Bob Cryer] You're nothing but an old woman that does exactly what Brownlow says.

[Rosie meets Liz Rawton for a cup of coffee and Liz asks her why she's still seeing Pallister]

Sgt. Fox:
Sex! Everything else about him I could do without.

Insp. Dale Smith:
It's freezing out here.

Sgt. Callum Stone:
Do you want my coat, darling?

Sgt. Tom Penny:
[while taking a leak in the toilets] So this is where you've been hiding out Muswell.

PC Pete Muswell:
Leave it out Sarge!

Sgt. Tom Penny:
Better not, might get arrested.

D.C.I. Burnside:
[catching D.S Boulton when they are investigating] Unbelievable. When you want an old bill, there's never on there. And when you don't want one, they're banging the front door down.