The Breakfast Club

John Bender:
What do you say we close that door. We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.

Brian Johnson:
Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open..

John Bender:
So what?

Andrew Clark:
So why don't you just shut up! There's four other people in here you know.

John Bender:
God, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a... a wrestler.

Andrew Clark:
Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway?

Claire Standish:
Really...

Andrew Clark:
You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.

John Bender:
Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. Maybe the prep club too! Student council...

Andrew Clark:
No, they wouldn't take you.

John Bender:
I'm hurt.

Claire Standish:
You know why guys like you knock everything...

John Bender:
Oh, this should be stunning.

Claire Standish:
It's 'cause you're afraid.

John Bender:
Oh, God! You richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities!

Claire Standish:
You're a big coward.

Brian Johnson:
I'm in the math club.

Claire Standish:
See you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.

John Bender:
Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being a**holes...now would it?

Claire Standish:
Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.

John Bender:
Well, I don't know any lepers either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their f***ing clubs.

Andrew Clark:
Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

John Bender:
Oh and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!

Andrew Clark:
Well you wouldn't know anything about it, f*ggot! You never competed in your whole life!

John Bender:
Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys that roll around on the floor with other guys.

Andrew Clark:
Ahhh, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.

John Bender:
Oh, but I do!

Andrew Clark:
Yeah?

John Bender:
I wanna be just--like--you. I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights!

Brian Johnson:
You wear tights?

Andrew Clark:
No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

Brian Johnson:
Tights.

Andrew Clark:
Shut up!

Richard Vernon:
You're not fooling anyone, Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.

John Bender:
Eat my shorts.

Richard Vernon:
What was that?

John Bender:
Eat... My... Shorts.

Richard Vernon:
You just bought yourself another Saturday.

John Bender:
Ooh, I'm crushed.

Richard Vernon:
You just bought one more.

John Bender:
Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

Richard Vernon:
Good, cause it's going to be filled! We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?

John Bender:
No.

Richard Vernon:
I'm doing society a favor.

John Bender:
So?

Richard Vernon:
That's another one right now! I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step. You want another one?

John Bender:
Yes.

Richard Vernon:
You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one pal!

Claire Standish:
Cut it out!

Richard Vernon:
You through?

John Bender:
Not even close, bud!

Richard Vernon:
Good! You got one more right there!

John Bender:
You really think I give a sh*t?

Richard Vernon:
Another! You through?

John Bender:
How many is that?

Brian Johnson:
That's seven including when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

Richard Vernon:
Now it's eight. You stay out of this.

Brian Johnson:
Excuse me sir, it's seven.

Richard Vernon:
Shut up, peewee!

Claire Standish:
What's your name?

John Bender:
What's yours?

Claire Standish:
Claire.

John Bender:
Ka-Laire?

Claire Standish:
Claire. It's a family name!

John Bender:
No. It's a fat girl's name!

Claire Standish:
Well, thank you.

John Bender:
You're welcome.

Claire Standish:
I'm not fat!

John Bender:
Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density! You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sort of see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... [Claire gives him the finger] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl!

Claire Standish:
I'm not that pristine!

John Bender:
Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are! Let's end the suspense! Is it gonna be... a white weddin?

Claire Standish:
Why don't you just shut up ?

John Bender:
Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off... hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

Claire Standish:
Do you want me to puke in your mouth?

John Bender:
Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?

Andrew Clark:
Leave her alone!

Andrew Clark:
So, what's your poison? [Allison doesn't answer] What do you drink? [Allison still doesn't answer] Okay. Forget I asked.

Allison Reynolds:
Vodka!

Andrew Clark:
Vodka? When do you drink vodka?

Allison Reynolds:
Whenever.

Andrew Clark:
A lot?

Allison Reynolds:
Tons.

Andrew Clark:
Is that why you're here today? Why are you here?

Allison Reynolds:
Why are you here?

Andrew Clark:
Um, I'm here today... because uh, because my coach and my father don't want me to blow my ride. See I get treated differently because uh, Coach thinks I'm a winner. So does my old man. I'm not a winner because I wanna be one... I'm a winner because I got strength and speed. Kinda like a race horse. That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me.

Allison Reynolds:
Yeah? That's very interesting. Now why don't you tell me why you're really in here.

Andrew Clark:
Forget it!

John Bender:
PB & J with the crusts cut off. Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch; all the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?

Brian:
Uh, no, Mr. Johnson.

Bender:
Ah. Here's my impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, pal?" "Great, Dad! How's yours?" "Super! Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad! But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son! You can do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Dear, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" [kiss, then mimes punching]

Andrew:
All right, what about your family?

Bender:
My family? Oh, that's easy. "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamned, free loading son-of-a-b*tch! Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all a**hole jerk!" "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful!" "Shut up, b*tch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!" "What about you, Dad?" "F*** you!" "No, Dad, what about you?" "F*** you!" "No, Dad, what about you?!" "F*** you!" [mimes punching]

Brian:
Is that for real?

Bender:
You wanna come over some time?

Andrew:
That's bullshit. It's all part of your image, I don't believe a word of it.

Bender:
You don't believe me?

Andrew:
No.

Bender:
No?

Andrew:
Did I stutter?

[John approaches Andrew and lifts his sleeve to show a burn on his arm. Claire and Andrew look away afterwards.]

Bender:
Do you believe this? Huh? It's about the size of a cigar...Do I stutter? You see this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage. See I don't think that I need to sit here with you f***in' d*ldos anymore!

Andrew [referring to his act of taping a classmate's buttocks together]:
The bizarre thing is, is that I did it for my old man...I tortured this poor kid, because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school...all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right...So, I'm...I'm sitting in the locker room, and I'm taping up my knee. And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me. Yeah...he's kinda...he's kinda skinny, weak. And I started thinking about my father, and his attitude about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I uh, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him...And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on. And afterwards, when I was sittin' in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father. And Larry havin' to go home and...and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation...f***ing humiliation he must've felt. It must've been unreal...I mean, I mean, how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way...it's all because of me and my old man. Oh God, I f***ing hate him! He's like this...he's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore..."Andrew, you've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family...Your intensity is for sh*t! Win. Win! WIN!!!" You son of a b*tch! You know, sometimes, I wish my knee would give...and I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.

Bender:
I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.

Brian:
It's like me, you know, with my grades. Like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself you know? And I see me and I don't like what I see, I really don't.

Claire:
What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?

Brian:
'Cause I'm stupid...'cause I'm failing shop. See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um--and we had eight weeks to do it and we're s'posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s'posed to go on. My light didn't go on, I got a F on it. Never got a F in my life. When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean. I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. 'Cause I thought, I'll take shop, it'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average.

Bender:
Why'd you think it'd be easy?

Brian:
Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?

Bender:
I take shop. You must be a f***in' idiot!

Brian:
I'm a f***in' idiot because I can't make a lamp?

Bender:
No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.

Brian:
What do you know about Trigonometry?

Bender:
I could care less about Trigonometry.

Brian:
Bender, did you know without Trigonometry there'd be no engineering?

Bender:
Without lamps, there'd be no light.

Andrew:
My God, are we gonna be like our parents?

Claire:
[teary] Not me...ever

Allison:
It's unavoidable, it just happens.

Claire:
What happens?

Allison:
When you grow up, your heart dies.

Brian:
I just wanna tell each of you that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty.

Claire:
Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.

Brian:
You're so conceited, Claire. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself; why are you like that?

Claire:
[teary] I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything my friends say!

Brian:
Well then why do you do it?

Claire:
I don't know, I don't--you don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!

Brian:
I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Claire? Well f*** you! F*** you! [Brian breaks down and begins to cry.] Know why I'm here today? Do you?! I'm here because Mr. Ryan found a gun in the locker.

Andrew:
Why'd you have a gun in your locker?

Brian:
I tried. You pull the f***in' trunk on it and the light's s'posed to go on...and it didn't go on, I mean, I...

Andrew:
What's the gun for Brian?

Brian:
Just forget it.

Andrew:
You brought it up, man!

Brian:
I can't have an F, I can't have it and I know my parents can't have it. Even if I aced the rest of the semester, I'm still only a B. And everything's ruined for me.

Claire:
Oh, Brian...

Brian:
F***! So I considered my options, you know?

Claire:
No! Killing yourself is not an option!

Brian:
Well I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so!

Allison:
It was a hand gun?

Brian:
No, it was a flare gun, went off in my locker.

Andrew:
Really? [starts to laugh]

Brian:
It's not funny...

[Andrew tries to stop, but he continues laughing and everyone else begins to laugh.]

Brian:
[laughing as well] Yes it is. F***in' elephant was destroyed!

Allison:
You wanna know what I did to get in here? Nothing; I didn't have anything better to do.

[Everyone continues to laugh, now at Allison.]

Allison:
You're laughing at me!

Andrew:
No...!

Allison:
Yes, you are!

[Everyone continues to laugh]

Brian Johnson:
Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. What we did *was* wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...

Andrew Clark:
...and an athlete...

Allison Reynolds:
...and a basket case...

Claire Standish:
...a princess...

John Bender:
...and a criminal...

Brian Johnson:
Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

Andrew:
(toys with his necklace then notices Allison walking in nervously)

Brian:
(as Allison glares at him for staring) Cool!

Allison:
(gives him a rare smile then whispers) Thank you!

Andrew:
(walks over nervously) What happened to you?

Allison:
(thinks that he doesn't like it she asks harshly) Why? Claire did it! (as he looks at her with love in his eyes she says softly) What's wrong?

Andrew:
(says softly) Nothing's wrong it's just...you're just so different! (goes to touch her cheek) You can see your face!

Allison:
(gives a small smile) Is that good or bad?

Andrew:
(whispers) It's good (bites his lip in embarrasment)

Allison:
(goes to say something else then starts blushing)

Claire:
(pulls Allison's jumper slightly) Come on

Allison:
(looks slightly scared) Where are we going?

Claire:
(pulls on Allison's jumper again) Come on! (they both jump off and Allison follows Claire to another room)

Allison:
(as Claire is doing her eyeliner) Don't stick me in the eye!

Claire:
I'm not sticking you in the eye! (as Allison moves away she shows her how to make a face and she copies it) You look so much better without all that black sh*t!

Allison:
I like that black sh*t! Please. Why are you being nice to me?

Claire:
Because you're letting me!

They only met once, but it changed their lives forever.

They were five total strangers, with nothing in common, meeting for the first time. A brain, a beauty, a jock, a rebel and a recluse. Before the day was over, they broke the rules. Bared their souls and touched each other in a way they never dreamed possible.

Five strangers with nothing in common, except each other.

Vernon:
Well, well. Here we are. I want to congratulate you for being on time.

Claire:
[raises hand] Excuse me, sir? I think there's been a mistake. I know it's detention, but, um... I don't think I belong in here.

Vernon:
[checks his watch] It is now 7:06. You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here: To ponder the error of your ways. [Bender spits and catches saliva, and Claire gasps in disgust] [points at Claire] And you may not talk. [to Brian] You will not move from these seats. And you... [points at John] ...will not sleep. All right, people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay... of no less than a thousand words... describing to me who you think you are.

John:
Is this a test?

Vernon:
And when I say "Essay", I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear, Mr. Bender?

John:
Crystal.

Vernon:
Good. Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself. Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.

Brian:
[raises hand, stands] Uh, you know, I can answer that right now, sir. You know, that'd be "no." "No" for me, 'cause—

Vernon:
Sit down, Johnson.

Brian:
Thank you, sir.

Vernon:
My office is right across that hall. Any monkey business is ill-advised. Any questions?

John:
Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

Vernon:
I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull, young man or you'll get the horns.

John:
[about Vernon] That man... is a brownie hound. [33 seconds later, after he and the other students see and hear Allison biting her fingernails. And he gives her a reminder.] If you keep eating you hand, you're not gonna be hungry for lunch. [Allison bites another fingernail, and spits it out.] I've seen you before, you know.

John:
What do you say we close that door? We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.

Brian:
Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open.

John:
So what?

Andrew:
So why don't you just shut up? There's four other people in here, you know.

John:
God, you can count. See, I knew you had to be smart to be a...a wrestler.

Andrew:
Who the hell are you to judge anybody, anyway?

Claire:
Really.

Andrew:
You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.

John:
Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. [Claire and Andrew chuckle] Maybe the prep club, too. Student council.

Andrew:
Nah. They wouldn't take you.

John:
I'm hurt.

Claire:
You know why guys like you knock everything?

John:
Oh, this should be stunning.

Claire:
It's 'cause you're afraid.

John:
Oh, God. You richies are so smart; that's exactly why I'm not heavy in activities.

Claire:
You're a big coward.

Brian:
I'm in the math club.

Claire:
See, you're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong, so you just have to dump all over it.

John:
Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being a**holes, now would it?

Claire:
Well you wouldn't know; you don't even know any of us.

John:
Well, I don't know any lepers, either, but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their f***ing clubs.

Andrew:
Uh, let's watch the mouth, huh?

Brian:
Um, uh, this is a Club, too.

John:
Excuse me a sec. [to Brian] What are you babbling about?

Brian:
Well, what I said was that I'm in a Math Club, uh, the Latin Club, and the Physics Club-- Physics Club.

John:
Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the Physics Club?

Claire:
That's an academic club.

John:
So?

Claire:
So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.

John:
Ah, but to dorks like him, they are. [to Brian] What do you guys do in your club?

Brian:
In physics, well, we, we, uh, we talk about physics. Uh, properties of physics.

John:
So it's sort of social. Demented and sad, but social, right?

Brian:
I guess you could consider it a social situation.

Claire:
What's your name?

John:
What's yours?

Claire:
Claire.

John:
Claire?

Claire:
Claire. It's a family name.

John:
No, it's a fat girl's name.

Claire:
[sarcastically] Oh, thank you.

John:
You're welcome.

Claire:
I'm not fat.

John:
Well, not at present, but I could see you really pushing maximum density. You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin, but they became fat, so when you look at them you can sort of see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... [imitates vomiting, and Claire gives him the "F*** you!" middle finger] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

Claire:
I'm not that pristine.

John:
Are you a virgin? I'll bet you a million dollars that you are. Let's end the suspense. Is it gonna be a...white weddin'?

Claire:
Why don't you just shut up?

John:
Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up...over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off, hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

Claire:
Do you want me to puke?

John:
Over the panties...no bra...blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past 11:00 on a school night?

Andrew:
Leave her alone. [walks to Bender] I said, "Leave her alone".

John:
You gonna make me?

Andrew:
Yeah.

John:
[stands in front of Andrew] You and how many of your friends?

Andrew:
Just me. Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal.

John:
[gets pinned to the floor] I don't want to get into this with you, man.

Andrew:
[gets off of John] Why not?

John:
[stands up] Because I'd kill you. It's real simple: I'd kill you, and your f***ing parents would sue me, and it'd be a big mess, and I don't care enough about you to bother.

Andrew:
Chickenshit. [John pulls out his switchblade, and slams it on Allison's table.] Let's end this right now. You don't talk to her, [Allison takes John's switchblade] you don't look at her, and you don't even think about her! You understand me?

John:
I'm trying to help her.

Vernon:
I expected a little more from a varsity letterman. You're not fooling anybody, Bender. The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.

John:
[under his breath] Eat my shorts.

Vernon:
[angrily] What was that?

John:
[emphatically and louder] EAT...MY...SHORTS.

Vernon:
You just bought yourself another Saturday, Mister.

John:
[scoffs; sarcastically] I'm "crushed".

Vernon:
You just bought one more, right there.

John:
Well, I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar.

Vernon:
Good! Because it's gonna be filled. We'll keep goin'. You want another one? Say the word, just say the word. Instead of goin' to prison, you'll come here. Are you through?

John:
No.

Vernon:
I'm doin' society a favor.

John:
So?

Vernon:
That's another one right now. I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?!

John:
Yes.

Vernon:
You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one, pal!

Claire:
Cut it out! [mouths] Stop!

Vernon:
You through?

John:
Not even close, bud!

Vernon:
Good. You got one more right there.

John:
You really think I give a sh*t?

Vernon:
Another. [John stares angrily] You through?

John:
How many is that?

Brian:
That's seven including one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

Vernon:
Now it's 8. [to Brian] You stay out of it.

Brian:
Excuse me, sir, it's 7.

Vernon:
Shut up, peewee. [Brian obediently remains silent, and Vernon gives John the horns] You're mine, Bender. For two months, I gotcha. I gotcha.

John:
[sarcastically] What can I say? I'm "thrilled".

Vernon:
Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe. You know somethin', Bender? You oughta spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. Alright, that's it! I'm going to be right outside those doors. The next time I have to come in here, [John mouths what Vernon says] I'm crackin' skulls. [He leaves the library as Allison watches; he opens the door, gives the horns to John again, then closes the door]

John:
[angrily] F*** YOU!!!

Vernon:
[sighs and goes to his office]

John:
[annoyed; whispers] F***.

John:
Carl? How does one become a janitor?

Carl:
You wanna be a janitor?

John:
No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor. Because, you see, Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.

Carl:
Oh, really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Serf? Peon? Well, maybe so. But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last eight years, I've learned a couple of things. I look through your letters. I look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations: you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends. [pause] By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.

John:
[crawling on the ceiling] A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm...and a two-foot salami under the other. [chuckles] She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." Naked lady says-- [ceiling breaks and he falls through] OHHH, SHI-I-I-IT!

Vernon:
[hearing the crash] Jesus Christ Almighty!

[John walks down the stairs and sees Andrew and Claire angrily stunned]

John:
[to students] Forgot my pencil. [almost goes back to his desk]

Vernon:
Goddamn it! [enters the library, and John hides under Claire's desk] What in God's name is goin' on in here? What was that ruckus?

Andrew:
Uh, what ruckus?

Vernon:
I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.

Brian:
Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

Vernon:
Watch your tongue, young man, watch it. [John bangs his hand under Claire's desk, and Andrew bangs "Shave and a Haircut"] What is this? [Andrew imitates a zipper sound] What is that? What-What is that-- What is that noise?

Andrew:
What noise?

[John sees Claire's panties]

Claire:
Really, sir, there wasn't any noise. [moans and crushes John's hand, and makes an exaggerated sneeze and coughing sound, and the other students cough] That noise? Was that the noise that you're talking about?

Vernon:
No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about. Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will. [Allison laughs] You make book on that, Missy. [to Claire] And you! I will not be made a fool of.

[Vernon walks back to his office with a toilet seat liner hanging out of his pants.]

Allison:
Have you ever done it with a normal person?

Claire:
Didn't we already cover this?

John:
You never answered the question.

Claire:
Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.

Allison:
It's kind of a double edged sword, isn't it?

Claire:
A what?

Allison:
Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap. You want to but you can't, and when you do, you wish you didn't, right?

Claire:
Wrong.

Allison:
Or are you a tease?

Andrew:
She's a tease.

Claire:
I'm sure. Why don't you just forget it.

Andrew:
Oh, you're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.

John:
She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.

Claire:
I don't do anything.

Allison:
That's why you're a tease.

Claire:
Okay, let me ask you a few questions.

Allison:
I already told you everything.

Claire:
No. Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love. I mean, don't you want any respect?

Allison:
I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me.

Claire:
It's not the only difference I hope.

John:
Face it, you're a tease.

Claire:
I'm not a tease.

John:
Sure you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself. You use it to get respect.

Claire:
No, I never said that; she twisted my words around.

John:
What do you use it for then?

Claire:
I don't use it period.

John:
Oh, are you medically frigid or is it psychological?

Claire:
I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth.

John:
Well, if you'd just answer the question.

Brian:
Why don't you just answer the question?

Andrew:
Be honest.

John:
No big deal.

Brian:
Yeah answer it.

Andrew:
Answer the question, Claire.

John:
Talk to us.

Everyone:
C'mon, answer the question. Come on. Answer it.

John:
C'mon, it's easy. It's only one question.

Claire:
No, I Never did it!

Allison:
I never did it either. I'm not a nymphomaniac, I'm a compulsive liar.

Andrew:
Look, just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass. So knock it off!

John:
It's a free country.

Claire:
He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.

John:
Sweets. [Claire turns around to John.] You couldn't ignore me if you tried. [she turns back, annoyed.] So... So... are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto. Level with me. Do you slip her the hot-beef injection?

Claire:
GO TO HELL!!!

Andrew:
ENOUGH!!!

[John laughs]

Vernon:
[from his office] Hey! What's going on in there? [no response.] Spoiled little pricks. [gets back to reading.]

Andrew:
Scumbag.

John:
[after Claire performs her lipstick trick, claps sarcastically] Wow, Claire. That was great. My image of you is totally blown.

Allison:
You're a sh*t. Don't do that to her, you swore to God you wouldn't laugh.

John:
Am I laughing?

Andrew:
You f***in' prick!

John:
What do you care what I think anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. I might as well not even exist at this school, remember? [turns to Claire] And you... don't like me anyway.

Claire:
You know, I have just as, many feelings as you do and it hurts so much when someone steps all over them.

John:
God! You're so pathetic. Don't you ever, ever compare yourself to me, okay. You got everything, and I got sh*t. F***in' Rapunzel, right? School would probably f***in' shut down if you didn't show up. Queenie isn't here. I like those earrings, Claire.

Claire:
Shut up.

John:
Are those real diamonds Claire?

Claire:
Shut up.

John:
I bet they are. Did you work for the money for those earrings?

Claire:
Shut your mouth.

John:
Or did your daddy buy those for you?

Claire:
[shouts] SHUT UP!

John:
I'll bet he bought those for you. I bet those were a Christmas gift. Right? You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner f***ing year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny." All right? So go home and cry to your Daddy. Don't cry here, okay?

Brian:
Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends, I'm not wrong, am I?

Andrew:
No.

Brian:
So, so on Monday...what happens?

Claire:
Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?

Brian:
Yeah.

Claire:
Do you want the truth?

Brian:
Yeah, I want the truth.

Claire:
I don't think so.

Allison:
Well, do you mean all of us or just John?

Claire:
With all of you.

Andrew:
That's a real nice attitude, Claire!

Claire:
Oh, be honest, Andy...if Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sports. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to him and when he left you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him!

Andrew:
No way!

Allison:
'Kay, what if I came up to you?

Claire:
Same exact thing!

John:
YOU ARE A B*TCH.

Claire:
Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a b*tch?

John:
NO. 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do someone, and you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell them you're gonna like who you wanna like.

Claire:
Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties? Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high? What about Andy? Dor that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.

John:
Don't you ever talk about my friends. You don't know any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW, and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean.

Claire:
SHUT UP!

John:
And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways of school together, you can forget it cuz it's never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your f***in' prom.

Claire:
[Crying] I hate you!

John:
Yeah? Good!

Brian Johnson:
Chicks cannot hold their smoke, dat's what it is.

John Bender:
Screws fall out all the time; the world is an imperfect place.

John Bender:
Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up…it'll be anarchy!'

John Bender:
[to Claire] You know how you said before that your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?