The Gene Autry Show

Gene Autry:
Even if the world were a chocolate cake, Mary, there'd still be a few crumbs around.

Gene Autry:
Always defend your name, son. Just like you defend your country when you need to.

[Verna presents Senator Murphy with a bouquet]

Verna Clayton:
Welcome to Outpost, Senator!

Sen. Henry J. Murphy:
Well, thank you, miss.

Pat Buttram:
He might be a Senator, but I'm the one that rescued you.

Verna Clayton:
Why, Mr. Pat, you'll get your reward later!

[last lines]

[Pat uses his deck of cards to recap the story]

Pat Buttram:
You know, Miss Bell, these cards have kind of a philosophy about you. You thought you had a pat hand...

[Pat deals a straight flush]

Pat Buttram:
...but a joker named Vasco...

[he deals a joker]

Pat Buttram:
...tried to pull a bluff on ya. Now you and the Sheriff...

[deals four aces]

Pat Buttram:
...are aces high, and you may turn out...

[deals a queen]

Pat Buttram:
...to be a queen after all.

[first lines]

[Pat spots a fellow chuckwagon driver on the road ahead]

Pat Buttram:
Ship ahoy! Bill! Bill! Hey, Bill! Hey, how... Hey, you ain't Bill.

Jody Bowers:
That's right. Name's Bowers, Jody Bowers.

Pat Buttram:
Where's Bill?

Jody Bowers:
Tim Carson said his old cook quit. I'm the new cook on the TC.

Pat Buttram:
I always figured he was a no-account drifter who couldn't keep a job. Why, he didn't hold that one for more than five years!

[last lines]

Miss Netty:
Oh, Patrick bumpkin, I have the loveliest idea...

Pat Buttram:
Netty, I'm busy.

Miss Netty:
...a wedding picture.

Pat Buttram:
Wedding picture? Well, that *is* a good idea.

Miss Netty:
Of us.

Pat Buttram:
Us? Sorry, Netty, I'm out of business - no more film. I'm goin' with Gene to join the cavalry!

[Pat flees]

Miss Netty:
Patrick! Patrick!

Gene Autry:
It's pretty hard to hit a man with a derringer, Mimi... unless he's in a jail cell.

Gene Autry:
Ramsey, you're all through buying property.

Sheriff:
The state'll give him some now - about ten feet square... in a penitentiary.

[Pat is fishing in a pond clearly marked "No Fishing"]

The Game Warden:
By the way, do you have any idea who I am?

Pat Buttram:
No, but your face looks kinda familiar. Can't say I can place it, though.

The Game Warden:
Well, for your information, Mister, I'm the game warden and I'm fining you five dollars for that fish.

Pat Buttram:
Have you got any idea as to who I am?

The Game Warden:
No.

Pat Buttram:
Thank goodness!

[Pat flees]

[Gene finds Idaho's death threats "interesting"]

Sue:
Interesting? Did you hear what I said? He's going to kill you!

Gene Autry:
Now take it easy, Sue. It's nothing to get excited about.

Sue:
Nothing? Think of what it would mean to me if he killed you! I'd be a widow before I was even a bride!

Gene Autry:
Lookin' for me, Idaho?

Idaho, Tough Guy:
Nice day, isn't it, Sheriff? We might have some snow if it don't rain or, I mean, we're due for a hot spell if the moon...

Gene Autry:
He's a naturalist.

Deputy Pat Buttram:
You mean one of them fellows who run around naked?

Sue:
The term for that is nudist.

[last lines]

Pat Buttram:
Just a minute, Driscoll. There's something still puzzlin' me. How come them initials "BB" are on your travelin' case?

Charles Driscoll:
Well, like I told you, I borrowed it from a friend. Oh, he's a detective, too - Bartholomew Buttram.

Pat Buttram:
Hey! Hey, that's my Uncle Bartholomew! Well, I'll be rummeltebumskuttled!

Gene Autry:
You can say that again!

Pat Buttram:
I'll be rummelte... bummelte... ra... rrr...

[first lines]

[a stagecoach raises past Gene and Pat]

Pat Buttram:
Look at that Babe scallyhootin'! Driver must be in a hurry.

Gene Autry:
Only there is no driver.

Gene Autry:
It's empty.

Pat Buttram:
Well, I'll be diddlydanged. What do you make of it, Gene?

Gene Autry:
It's a mystery to me.

Pat Buttram:
If my uncle Bartholomew Buttram was here, he could solve this quicker than you could say scat. He's a detective like. Used to be a Pinkerton man.

Gene Autry:
You hit bad, Tom?

Tom Rankin, Driver:
Last thing I remember, I was drivin' the team along. I never saw what hit me.

Gene Autry:
You have to look pretty fast to see the bullet that gets you.

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
You want somethin', stranger?

Pat Buttram:
I wouldn't look so strange if I had a bath. You gotta room with it?

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Pat Buttram! Aren't you a pal of Gene Autry's?

Pat Buttram:
Pal? Mister, if you mention my name beside Autry's once more, you'll be lookin' down my Colt .45.

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Oh, no offense, Mr. Buttram, but everybody in this part of the country knows you've been friends for years.

Pat Buttram:
Well, we ain't no more! When a man says you're yellow just because you won't get your head shot off chasin' a bunch of counterfeiters, it's time to start throwin' punches and me and Autry throwed a lot of punches.

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
I'd sure hate to be the man Autry's lookin' for.

Pat Buttram:
Ha! I taught him everything he knows.

Pat Buttram:
And listen, friends, if Gene Autry should happen to show up in these parts, everybody better start duckin' for cover.

Small Boy:
Mr. Buttram! Mr. Buttram!

Pat Buttram:
Go away, son, I'm busy.

Small Boy:
You're going to be a lot busier. Gene Autry's comin' into the hotel!

Pat Buttram:
I told you before, Autry, no town is going to be big enough for the both of us.

Gene Autry:
Then you better find yourself another town.

Pat Buttram:
I will not! I found this one first.

Gene Autry:
I'm stayin' here tonight. You can do what you want.

Pat Buttram:
And I'm doin' it - right now!

[Pat slugs Gene in the jaw]

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Mr. Buttram, I have a business propostion for you.

Pat Buttram:
What kind?

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
The ten thousand dollar kind.

Pat Buttram:
That's a lot of business.

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Well, let's put it this way. We'll call it an insurance policy on Autry's life with you as the beneficiary. When he dies, you get paid off.

Pat Buttram:
He ain't gonna die!

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Perhaps you can arrange that.

Pat Buttram:
You sure make it sound like a mighty fine insurance policy. What's your take on this?

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Is it a deal or isn't it?

[Pat glances at Elkhart's gang of henchmen]

Pat Buttram:
With all these insurance salesman around, I haven't got much choice. It's a deal.

Pat Buttram:
Gene, duck behind them rocks. I'm supposed to shoot you and there's a fellow followin' me to make sure I do.

Gene Autry:
All right, start shootin'!

Pat Buttram:
Has the sun got you or somethin'?

Gene Autry:
Just be sure that your aim's bad.

Pat Buttram:
My aim's never bad! Oh, I see. My aim's got to be good by bein' bad.

Pat Buttram:
And this time I don't want to get paid off in counterfeit money.

George Elkhart, Gang Leader:
Counterfeit?

Pat Buttram:
Don't play games. Either I get some real dough and pronto or I'm gonna fill you full of holes.

Bill Grenner, Thug Leader:
It's Autry or his ghost. Get him!

[last lines]

Gene Autry:
And say, that was a pretty good punch you gave me the other day in Red Canyon.

Pat Buttram:
Well, you can blame yourself. You taught me everything I know.

[at the performance dress rehersal, Belle arrives wearing a white gown with prominent wings]

Pat Buttram:
What kind of bird are you supposed to be?

Emily Blake:
I'm not a bird, Pat; I'm an angel!

[last lines]

[a truant officer drags Pat, wearing a "little boy" costume, onto the stage]

Pat Buttram:
Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene, will you tell this truant officer I ain't playin' hooky from school - that this is just a costume.

Gene Autry:
This is Pat Buttram. He's been working with me for years. I'm sure his school days are all over.

Truant Officer:
I know who is and all about him, but it says here he ran away from school when he was in the fourth grade and I'm taking him back.

Pat Buttram:
Gene, say something!

Gene Autry:
Bring back a good report card, Junior.

Pat Buttram:
Them old con-twistadors ain't got nothin' on me. I just found all the gold them old hootyowls stole from the Crater Mine.

Prof. Donald Markham:
Well, if they'd only known it, they had a fortune right here in their hands.

Gene Autry:
Which just proves it pays to know your history. In it you'll find some of the greatest stories in the world. Every page you read you meet men like Coronado and Columbus.

Gene Autry:
Say, you know, I just happen to remember - I've got enough money to buy Little Champ.

Pat Buttram:
Then what are we waitin' for?

Gene Autry:
Waitin' until she gets in a little better mood.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, but how do you know we're gonna live that long?

Gene Autry:
The only way out I know is to quit. Leave Champ here so he won't be separated from Little Champ.

Pat Buttram:
Leave Champ? Gene, that would be like cuttin' your heart out!

Gene Autry:
Yeah, and rubbin' it with salt.

Pat Buttram:
If you was to quit, me and the boys would quit, too. She couldn't get nobody to work for her. She'd go busted. She'd have to sell all her cattle. It'd be a regular ghost ranch.

[a coyote howls mournfully in the distance]

Gene Autry:
Hey, you've got an idea, Pat! If we could convince Torrey this ranch was haunted, maybe she'd sell it to Barnes.

Pat Buttram:
And then we could work for him! Gallopin' gadzooks, I'm smarter than I thought I was.

Pat Buttram:
In case you hear any strange noises or sounds during the night think nothin' of it. It'll only be the ghost of the Jingle Bell Ranch.

Marabelle Carroll:
G-ghost?

Torrey Palmer:
What nonsense is this?

Pat Buttram:
Well, you see, the ranch wasn't really named after old J.B., but it was called the Jingle Bell after the Jingle Bell ghost that rings spooky bells during the night. But like I said, don't give it a thought.

[Pat packs J.L.'s gold bars in dirty sacks]

Pat Buttram:
It seems a shame to hide these in canvas. No man ever gazed on such beauty.

J. L. Hornsby:
How can you make such a statement when my daughter is present?

Lita Hornsby:
I'm going to Springdale myself, Gene. Would you like a passenger?

Gene Autry:
Any other time but today, Lita. I'm going to town on business.

Lita Hornsby:
So am I.

Gene Autry:
But this business is important.

Lita Hornsby:
So is mine! I'm going to buy a new hat and that's very important.

Luke Travis, Gang Leader:
Autry, the lady still has a pretty face. Drop your guns!

Pat Buttram:
No need to be afraid of Mike, Mr. Gillis. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Mr. Gillis, postman:
That dog couldn't hurt a fly.

Pat Buttram:
I didn't know you was gettin' hitched, Gene

Gene Autry:
I didn't either.

Mr. Gillis, postman:
You and your bride sure kept it a secret from all of us.

Gene Autry:
Even kept it a secret from me.

The Sheriff:
Oh, I see. An old prospector was murdered - you didn't see who did it, but you tried to catch him. He rode away on a horse, but you have the horse... but you robbed a dead man's body and buried him, but it never occurred to you to report it to the law!

[while Gene's friends break him out of jail, Pat provides a diversion]

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Sheriff, there's a robber loose - a dangerous killer - the most dangerous killer since the James boys and he's loose right here in this town!

The Sheriff:
Well, who is he?

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
It's me.

The Sheriff:
You?

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Yes! I've been on a rampage of crime - been robbin' and killin' for years. You gotta put me away, Sheriff. You gotta lock me up before I do somethin' serious!

Bearded Deputy:
Just what crime did you commit?

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
I just held up a circus and stole an elephant.

Bearded Deputy:
Stole an elephant?

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Oh, so you don't believe me! Alright, search me.

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
You gotta put me away, Sheriff! I'm dangerous. I can't face life; I can't go on - not after what I done to those poor men - doin' away with three men and robbin' 'em of two dollars.

Bearded Deputy:
You did away with three men for two dollars?

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Well, two dollars here and two dollars there - it soon mounts up.

The Sheriff:
Say, just when did you commit all these crimes?

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
When? Why, all the time. Don't you read the papers? Ain't you never heard of Billy the Kid?

Bearded Deputy:
Aw, you're crazy! Billy the Kid's been dead for eighty years.

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Eighty years? I have? Hmmm, time sure flies don't it.

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Aw, so you think I'm crazy. You don't believe I'm Billy the Kid.

Bearded Deputy:
No, we don't.

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Well, fingerprints don't lie do they?

Bearded Deputy:
Nooo.

Sidekicks Pat Buttram:
Look at that thumb. Would I be goin' 'round with somebody else's fingerprints?

Harry Taylor:
There goes the man you want, Sheriff!

Gene Autry:
Not half as much as I want him!

Gene Autry:
You know what we mean by "riding the long trail" Tim?

Tim Parker:
Sure! It means the outlaws' trail.

Gene Autry:
Knowin' that, you want to ride with us?

Tim Parker:
Asking foolish questions!

Milly Parker:
Isn't your name Chipote?

Chipote:
*You* can call me anything.

Milly Parker:
Didn't Sheriff Judd figure you might be the leader of the Red Wolf bunch?

Chipote:
Thinking and proving aren't cards of the same suit.

[while a shooting exhibition goes on at one end of town, a gang of outlaws holds up the express office at the other]

Pat Buttram:
Say, pretty smoky town!

[Gene and Pat meet Milly riding outside of town]

Gene Autry:
Why, Milly Parker!

Milly Parker:
Gene, I'm so glad you came, but what are you doing way out here?

Pat Buttram:
Thinnin' out the bad men.

Gene Autry:
I'm gonna teach him what a bandit's life is really like.

Pat Buttram:
You mean we can pretend we're bad men?

Gene Autry:
I don't like the idea of lyin' to a kid, but...

Pat Buttram:
You do the shootin' - I'll do the lyin'!

Gene Autry:
This is my saddle partner, Pat Buttram - orneriest seventeen-button rattler that ever lived.

Pat Buttram:
Howdy.

Gene Autry:
I told you he was a rattler, didn't I?

Pat Buttram:
Well, you ain't exactly soft-boiled yourself. If you want to know a really sulpher-footed lizard, meet my partner. The only difference between me and this snaky gent is he don't notch his gun when he salts a man.

Capitan Fernando:
This rifle is from your country, no?

Gene Autry:
A Winchester .30-.30...

Capitan Fernando:
Last night my lieutenant, he took it away from one of Gregorio's renegades on this side. I'm sorry, amigo, but there are men in my country so evil as to buy guns to fight their own government.

Gene Autry:
And I'm sorry, amigo, there are men in my country who would stoop so low as to sell rifles to renegades in yours.

Gene Autry:
I'm glad you broke your beads, Marquita.

Padre Francisco Rio:
The smallest accident is sometimes the greatest blessing.

[first lines]

Gene Autry:
You know, it's downright unsociable to spoil a fellow's song like that.

Billy Stone:
I never did a thing!

Gene Autry:
Yeah, but you look so dry you made my mouth water.

Bank Teller:
Hey, Buttram, you forgot your money.

Pat Buttram:
Aw, money. That's the cause of all the trouble in the world is money.

[Pat turns to leave the bank]

Bank Teller:
Hey, stupid, you forgot half of it!

Pat Buttram:
Aw, if it had never been invented, the world would be a better place... I don't know what I'm hollerin' about - I never have any of the stuff.

[Gail thinks she has sweet-talked the telegrapher into giving her a copy of Gene's message]

Jim Eastman:
Listen to this. "Gene Autry - Twin Forks, New Mexico - Flying M Ranch. Spring catalog delayed. Stop. Read our winter catalog again. Stop. National Mail Order Company - Chicago, Illinois." Somebody's trying to make a fool out of me. It it's Autry, I'll kill him!

Gail Eastman:
I'm all for that, but there's something more important than killing Autry. We've got to find out what really was in that telegram he sent!

Pat Buttram:
Look, buster, you could have found out from this here astrology book that it was a bad day for travel. Tells you what the stars is doin'.

Hank, Stage Driver:
Look, pal, I know what the stars is doin'. They're in the sky where they belong - not takin' potshots at me.

[Pat's finger is stuck in the side of a stagecoach]

Hank, Stage Driver:
Why did you put your finger in that bullet hole?

Pat Buttram:
I was tryin' it on for size. I might want to buy one some day.

Pat Buttram:
I shoulda knowed it!

Gene Autry:
You shoulda knowed what?

Pat Buttram:
Jupiter's chasin' Venus through the third house of Gemini and the moon's gone hog-wild!

Jim Saunders:
Say, what's the matter with him? Has he gone loco?

Gene Autry:
He's loco alright - thinks he's seein' stars. And he's gonna see 'em if he don't shut up!

Gene Autry:
Pat! Pat! Where's the man you're supposed to be guarding?

Pat Buttram:
I don't know, Gene. All I know is I was talkin' about the stars and, all of a sudden, one fell on me.

Hank, Stage Driver:
That does it. I quit! I can stand 'em throwin' lead at me, but when they start throwin' mountains, that's too much!

[Gene, Pat and Maude capture a gang of outlaws]

Gene Autry:
Let's get these boys into the sheriff. He's quite a magician himself. He'll make these boys disappear for a long time.

Johnny:
Gene! Gene! These are the sidewinders who robbed the stage!

[points pistol at Gene and Pat]

Ron Williams:
Shut up, kid! You know, it's very funny. Stan and I robbed the stage, but we're going to collect the reward for turning you in - dead or alive. And you know... you're both going to be very dead.

[Gene and Pat corner the outlaws in a cabin]

Pat Buttram:
We got ourselves a standoff. I sure hope the parson and his men get here soon.

Gene Autry:
Well, as the parson would say, "The Lord helps those who help themselves."

Big Tim Brady:
It's mighty strange, Autry, that my boys and myself can get along with everyone in Cartersville except you and your friends.

Gene Autry:
I was just thinkin' the same thing, Mr. Brady. It's funny that me and my friends can get along with everybody except you and your boys.

Bill Parker:
Good morning, Gene. Nice brawl you and the boys put on.

Gene Autry:
Well, they asked for it and we aim to please.

Jimmy:
I want to help catch those crooks that held up the stagecoach. I want to help put them behind bars!

Gene Autry:
Wait a minute - hold on! To catch those crooks it takes time and teamwork.

Jimmy:
What do you mean "teamwork?"

Gene Autry:
You come from back East. Did you ever play football?

Jimmy:
Yes.

Gene Autry:
Well, a quarterback couldn't do very much without a line.

Jimmy:
But...

Gene Autry:
To catch those crooks it'll take teamwork.

[last lines]

Gene Autry:
Cheer up, Pat. I never did think you'd look good in orange blossoms.

Pat Buttram:
She's mighty pretty, Gene; she'll make him a fine wife. You know, a man never knows what happiness is until he gets married - and then it's too late!

Gene Autry:
That's the narrowest escape you'll ever have.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah. Bill's going to give me a free ad in his lonely-hearts column. Maybe I'll get another'n.

Johnny Peters:
What you told Pat about bein' a hypochondriac was a bitter pill to swallow.

Gene Autry:
Probably the only one that did him any good. Johnny...

Johnny Peters:
Yes?

Gene Autry:
You've got to take your medicine, too. You were an accessory to that hold-up.

Pat Buttram:
Don't try to kid me, Gene. I overheard you and the doctor talkin'. He said I was a hopeless case and I didn't have a chance to pull through.

[Gene laughs]

Pat Buttram:
I don't see what's so funny about it!

Gene Autry:
He said you were a hypochondriac.

Pat Buttram:
A what? So that's what I am? I better take a pill for it.

Gene Autry:
Hey, wait just a minute. What you need is a dictionary.

Corey Fordham:
I'll get even with you and Buttram if its the last thing I do! I'll get you both. Remember that - I'll get you both!

Pat Buttram:
I need to send a telegram quick!

Telegrapher:
That's what most folks come in here for.

[Pat nervously drops his pencil]

Pat Buttram:
You better write it, I gotta sore hand. It goes to Gene Autry, care of General Delivery, Denton, Texas. Dear Gene. Come quick. Need help. Urgent. Matter of life and death. Help!

Gene Autry:
Why, people will think you're afraid of Corey.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, and they'd probably be right.

Pat Buttram:
Looks like Judge Fordham lost the decision.

Judge Lockwood:
When it's truth against lies, Pat, there can only be one answer.

[last lines]

[Pat's latest invention smashes an egg against his face]

Pat Buttram:
You know, sometimes I worry about me.

Gene Autry:
Being a successful inventor isn't what it's cracked up to be, Patrick?

Doll:
This is the Doll you're talking to - not Baldwin, not the law. Now, come on, give! Where'd you hide the diamonds?

Doc McCoy:
But you paid our passage here. Why, we wouldn't doublecross you!

Doll:
McCoy, you'd doublecross the Devil himself and come back with his pitchfork.

[Bonnie asks Pat to send a telegram]

Bonnie West:
Send it to the Massachusetts Institute of Archaeology.

Pat Buttram:
Massa... Don't they have one in Ohio?

[first lines]

[Pat is doing calisthenics]

Pat Buttram:
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One...

Gene Autry:
Take it easy there, Pat. Don't over do it.

Gene Autry:
Just gettin' in shape.

Gene Autry:
If I had a shape like yours, I'd want to lose it, not keep it.

Pat Buttram:
I'm takin' a course in bodybuilding. Ten easy lessons. Just feel that muscle.

[Pat holds out his flexed bicep for Gene to touch]

Gene Autry:
I don't feel a thing.

Pat Buttram:
Just keep your hand there. It'll be along in a minute. It says so in this book. They guarantee to give me muscles.

Pat Buttram:
Wait till I get my mailman's hat on and I'll tell you if you got any mail. Nope, not a thing.

[changes to his timekeeper's hat]

Pat Buttram:
It's 9:06 - coffee time.

Gene Autry:
Did you have to change your hat to find that out?

Pat Buttram:
I gotta be dressed for the job. I held down a lot of important positions around here.

Pat Buttram:
Hold it! I ain't got the sheriff's hat on, but this gun'll do. You're goin' to the calaboose.

Bonnie West:
The water took some of the dirt off the cross.

Gene Autry:
This completes the set of ten.

Bonnie West:
Each one represents one of the Ten Commandments.

Pat Buttram:
Hey, there's some kind of inscription on it!

Gene Autry:
Yeah, it's written in Spanish, Pat. "Thou shalt not steal."

Big Jim Weston:
The way my old lady's will read, she left this ranch to Autry to run for a bunch of kids. But if Autry louses up...

Robson:
Sure! If an accident hapens to kids then you get the ranch.

Big Jim Weston:
So you already know about it.

Stan Richter:
We heard about it when the lawyer probated the will.

Robson:
Me and Stan even schemed up an accident to one of the kids.

Stan Richter:
So you could get the ranch back, Jim, you know, when you got out on parole.

Big Jim Weston:
You're smart. In fact, you're too smart! How did you guys know I was going to get out of prison?

Pat Buttram:
Miss Abby, if one of them boys stole my bean pot, he ought to get the whippin' of his life.

Miss Abby Pickett - School Teacher:
Or the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Big Jim Weston:
You're alright, kid. In my book, you got what it takes - only my book ain't no good.

Pedro Gonzales:
Sometimes people make mistakes.

Big Jim Weston:
Don't ever make a mistake like I did.

[last lines]

Gene Autry:
So that's the way it was. Some learn a lesson, some never learn and a few, like Big Jim, learn too late.

[first lines]

Gene Autry:
A long time ago, I learned something about this big, wide open West of ours. You know, when a man rides out here, he feels bigger himself. He sort of grows up - expands like the country around him.

Gene Autry:
Pat and I were on our way to take over a ranch we had never seen. A fine old lady, the late Mamie Westin, wanted us to run it as a boys' ranch: a home for city boys, underprivileged boys, just boys. A swell idea and we didn't suspect for a minute that anybody was out to stop us.

Sheriff Tim McBride:
As sheriff, I can't please all the people all the time. There goes four votes.

Pat Buttram:
Don't you worry, Sheriff. When me and Gene get to runnin' the Flying W, we'll get you plenty of brand new voters.

Gene Autry:
Unfortunately, they'll be too young to vote, Patrick.

Leonidas 'Lefty' Legan:
Gene, I'm glad I don't have to get out myself like them fellas. I'm glad I get my second chance right here.

Gene Autry:
Better hit the saddle, ranger. We'll be late for lunch.

Gene Autry:
Suppose the counterfeiters swiped the silver bullion to make their coins out of. And suppose their counterfeitin' outfit's located on the Box T.

Sheriff Bailey:
Why that particular spread?

Gene Autry:
Steve Tyler was an artist. Suppose the counterfeiters forced him to make the design for their molds. After that, they'd have no further use for him. That would be their motive for murder. Well, what do you think?

Sheriff Bailey:
I think you're doin' a powerful lot of supposing and no proving.

[Doree is tied up in an abandoned ranch house]

Doree Tyler:
Mrs. Mitchell! Mrs. Mitchell! Mrs. Mitchell, let me out of here!

Ada Mitchell:
Sorry, dear, but don't worry, somebody's bound to come along... one of these days.

Ada Mitchell:
That's all well and good, but suppose the girl comes nosin' around the barn and stumbles on the counterfeiting molds and tells Autry about them. It won't take long for him to add things up.

Nick Hatfield:
It won't take long to subtract him from the picture, either.

Corky:
Mr. Hap, will you do me a favor?

Hap Wallace:
What's that?

Corky:
The next time yous get an idea, make sure my feet are flat on the ground before you congratulate me!

Gene Autry:
Saddle this horse, Hap.

Hap Wallace:
Saddle this horse, Corky.

[first lines]

[the station agent changes the stagecoach's arrival time from 10 a.m. to "late"]

Pat Buttram:
How late?

Station Agent:
Don't ask me. The telegraph wires have been cut. We haven't had a report on that coach since it left Bisbee.

Pat Buttram:
Well, who cut the wires?

Station Agent:
Don't ask me that neither. You ask Geronimo.

Pat Buttram:
If they can get to San Dimas, I can get to San Dimas.

Station Agent:
They'll be lucky if they can get here to Tombstone.

Pat Buttram:
I know, but there's a United States Marshal ridin' on that coach.

Station Agent:
What good is one marshal?

Pat Buttram:
You don't know who he is - I do. And he's plenty good.

Gene Autry:
You don't have to talk, mister. That's your constitutional right.

Julius Smithers, pawnbroker:
Suppose I want to talk?

Gene Autry:
That's also your constitutional right.

Gene Autry:
Let me see that money belt.

Cliff Barton:
Sure!

[Cliff reaches into his coat to grab his pistol]

Gene Autry:
I said the money belt, not the gun belt.

Sagebrush - Sidekick:
Them two's the kind you can't ever turn your back on - not even in church!

Sim Conlan:
Jeff Barker just headed out for the ridge - alone. Autry's ridin' up to see him.

Sheila Dexter:
Well, now maybe I'll be able to kill two birds... with two bullets.

[while riding down the trail, Pat falls asleep]

Gene Autry:
That horse is gettin' lopsided by your sleepin' that way.

Pat Buttram:
Gene, I wasn't sleepin'. I was just watchin' for rattlesnakes.

Gene Autry:
With your eyes closed?

Pat Buttram:
Well now, you see, I do that 'cause, well, I couldn't stand to look at one if I ever saw any.

[Gene and Pat search for clues where they saw an outlaw shoot at Old Man Derrington]

Pat Buttram:
Hey, a swell old corncob pipe! If I only had some tobacco I could have a smoke... only I ain't got no matches.

[referring to the corncob pipe Pat found at the crime scene]

Gene Autry:
Pat, this may be just what the doctor ordered!

Gene Autry:
Gene, you know darn well no doctor ever ordered anybody to smoke a pipe.

[the mortally wounded Clem gives Gene and Pat a clue]

Clem Doyle:
Brown, not blue. Brown.

[reading two signs posted at a fork in the road]

Gene Autry:
"Closed account of bad slide." "This is Kingpin Tyler's road - keep off it."

Patrick Smith:
Looks like a toss-up 'twixt a sociable mountain and an unsociable man.

Gene Autry:
Mountains don't carry six-shooters. Besides, we have a lady present.

Lucy Lawrence:
Don't worry about me. I'm used to gunplay.

Henry Harlow:
The reason why this county is so gosh-awful poor, gentlemen, is because it has such gosh-awful roads linking it to the rest of the world!

Gene Autry:
And the reason we have such bad roads is because we're so poor.

[last lines]

Gene Autry:
And that, gentlemen, is what three men lost their lives for. That's all Harlow had on that buckboard.

Pat Buttram:
Just plain washers.

Clem Hughes - Chairman, county board of supervisors:
But what about the real money? The twenty thousand dollars?

Gene Autry:
It went to Quincy on the stagecoach. I knew from the start Harlow was trying to pull something sharp, but I couldn't say anything about it. The county needed his three thousand dollars and I didn't want to discourage his generosity.

Clem Hughes - Chairman, county board of supervisors:
So you pulled a switch!

Gene Autry:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was a double switch.

[Jeff and his henchmen ambush some innocent ranchers]

The Marshal:
I got one of 'em that time!

Tex, Beefy Camp Thug:
Yeah, it looked to me like you got the right one, Tucson.

[first lines]

Pat Buttram:
You know, there ain't nothin' like music to pass the time away, but this Peaceful Mesa sure is a long ways from Texas. We've been ridin' a week now. I hope it ain't much further.

Gene Autry:
Peaceful Mesa should be right up there - just a few more miles.

Pat Buttram:
You know, Gene, it looks to me like if you wanted to visit an old friend you could have found somebody closer to home.

Gene Autry:
You're seein' the country, Pat. Why, a man might get that cramped up feelin' spendin' all his time in a little ol' place like Texas.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah... What do you mean a cramped up feelin'? In Texas? Why, Gene, I hate to hear you talk like that. You know, Texas is the biggest, rootinest, tootinest place...

[the sound of gunfire ends their discussion]

Gene Autry:
A mask! Looks like we picked the bad actors in this scrap, Champ. Let's get 'em!

[Mac has been mortally wounded]

Ann Lawton:
Mac! Mac! He's gone. Whoever those murderers are, I won't rest till I get them!

[Mac has been mortally wounded]

Tom Lawton:
Mac! Mac! He's gone. Whoever those murderers are, I won't rest till I get them!

[last lines]

Pat Buttram:
There's nothing like education - except for four hundred dollars. Say, Gene...

Gene Autry:
Mr. Mike's got it all, Pat, except for the money we borrowed on the cattle. Now since you're so keen on education, your money can go for supplyin' the school.

Pat Buttram:
What?

Sheriff Chill Wills:
Oh gosh.

Marshal Gene Autry:
What's the matter?

Sheriff Chill Wills:
Oh, I just thought of something. I'm Tom's deputy and he's dead and... [starts crying] I guess that makes me sheriff now!

Sheriff Chill Wills:
You know, that's what I was about to suggest [repeated line]

[as Pat prepares to demonstrate his quick-draw talents, a henchman's bullet shatters his target]

Pat Buttram:
That just shows how fast a man can be. I didn't even have time to... Hey!

[the bad guys are peppering Pat and Frankie's position with bullets]

Frankie Scott:
Why don't you shoot back?

Pat Buttram:
They might get mad.

[a bullet striking a watering trough splatters Pat with water]

Pat Buttram:
Oh, I've been torpedoed!

[Frankie's gun clicks on an empty chamber]

Frankie Scott:
That must be the last one.

Pat Buttram:
Oh! What do we do now?

Frankie Scott:
I don't know. Pat, I'm gettin' sorta scared.

Pat Buttram:
To tell you the truth, I'm a little bit scared myself, but we won't let them know that, will we?

Pepito Garcia:
I go with Senor Autry. We're old friends.

Gene Autry:
Yeah. We've known each other all morning.

Pat Buttram:
Don't you think I sound like a doggie?

Gene Autry:
You don't even know what a doggie is.

Pat Buttram:
Sure I do. It's a little calf who's lost it's Ma and it's Pa's ran off with another cow.

Gene Autry:
You got a good head on you, boy!

Pat Buttram:
Sure I have!

Pat Buttram:
He saved your life, Gene! He hit Bowman over the head.

Gene Autry:
Yeah, with a half-a-million dollar fiddle. Bowman's head isn't worth it.

Reginald Redaldo:
It's worth it to me, Gene!

[Two hardcases lie in the pile after being knocked out by Gene and Pat]

Pat Buttram:
Real touchin' ain't it. You want me to warm up a milk bottle?

Pat Buttram:
Who do you suppose is tryin' to dry-gulch us? The weasel-bellied vultures...

Gene Autry:
I'll give you one guess.

Gene Autry:
I don't want to guess, I want to take a look.

[Gene stops a runaway wagon full of alfalfa]

Wagon Driver:
What in tarnation is going on here?

Gene Autry:
I lost my friend in your load of alfalfa.

Wagon Driver:
Your friend? What is he, a jackass?

Gene Autry:
The jury's still out on that one. Come on out, Pat.

[Pat emerges from the wagon spitting out a mouthful of alfalfa]

Gene Autry:
There he is - decide for yourself.

Gene Autry:
I take it your having a little dry spell around here.

Sheriff Chill Wills:
Dry? It's so dry you can't even raise potatoes!

Gene Autry:
You could if you plant onions between the rows.

Sheriff Chill Wills:
Now wait a minute, I know every rain making trick in the books, but I never heard of that one. How's it work?

Gene Autry:
Well, it's very simple. Potatoes have eyes. You plant onions between the rows, to onions grow up, the eyes of the potatoes start crying, you got all the potatoes you need.

[after knocking out a henchman, Chief Tehome is disgusted when he finds out his opponent is bald]

Chief Tehome:
Eh, Great Spirit already scalp. Me too late.

Accordian Player:
When did this happen?

Gene Autry:
Last year in Waterville. That's when we got the portrait of Chief White Cloud.

Pat Buttram:
Tell 'em about it, Gene, but don't tell 'em we didn't catch a single trout all season.

Gene Autry:
We caught something else, though, out of season. Or maybe a man with a gun is never out of season.

[Gene and Sagebrush ride into an ambush]

Gene Autry:
I guess we were expected.

Sagebrush - Sidekick:
I could do without the twenty-one gun salute. I'm no battleship!

[first lines]

Gene Autry:
Some folks when they pass on leave nothing, some leave money and a few leave values greater than dollars. Such a person was Mamie Weston and I think she'd be happy now if she how her plan worked out at the Flying "A" Ranch. In her will when she died Mrs. Weston left the ranch as a home for boys - orphan boys, underprivileged boys - all races, all creeds. Mamie Weston also left a son of her own, but he was not like our boys. Mamie's son was Big Jim Weston.

[reading newspaper article]

Pat Buttram:
"Big Jim Weston violates parole - now held in local jail. Will return to prison for life."

Martin Pickett:
Jim, I've done everything I can for you. What do you want now?

Big Jim Weston:
You can mail a letter, can't you?

Martin Pickett:
[reading address] "Father O'Toole, Saint Mark's School, Chicago." You think a priest can help you?

Big Jim Weston:
He can help my kid.

Martin Pickett:
Your kid? You've got a child?

Big Jim Weston:
Yeah, in Chicago.

Martin Pickett:
Oh. How old is your child?

Big Jim Weston:
Ten. Goes under the name of Gerry. Gerry Wentworth.

Martin Pickett:
But your name is Weston.

Big Jim Weston:
You don't think a kid of mine should inherit my name, do you?

Big Jim Weston:
If you ever tell anyone I've got a kid, there are ways I can shut you up, Pickett, even from prison.

Gene Autry:
Did you travel alone, little lady?

Gerry Wentworth:
People with faith never travel alone.

Lefty Legan:
I'll be a monkey's uncle. Sir Gerry Wentworth turns out to be a dame.

Lefty Legan:
But how can she join a ranger troop?

Gene Autry:
We'll start a new troop. We'll call it The Rangerettes.

Lefty Legan:
I still say whoever heard of a woman who could ride a horse or shoot a gun.

Gene Autry:
Did you ever hear of Annie Oakley or Calamity Jane? You better start readin' up on your history, Lefty.

[Richter takes Gerry as a hostage to escape from jail]

Gene Autry:
The safety of that girl buys you a ticket out of town, Richter, but if anything happens to her, you'll get a ticket to the state penitentiary and a front row seat in the gas chamber.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, and Robson can sit right beside you and hold your hand when they turn on the gas.

Martin Pickett:
Here's an interesting weapon.

Stan Richter:
You mean you want us to fight Autry with a bow and arrow?

Martin Pickett:
Historically, many tribes of Indians employed such a weapon. They call it a fire arrow. They used them to burn the white man's wagons on the old Santa Fe Trail, and before that the eastern Indians used it to burn the fields and cabins of our pioneer ancestors. It could be used again even today... or perhaps tomorrow.

[Big Jim breaks out of jail to confront his villainous "friend"]

Gerry Wentworth:
But isn't it wrong, Daddy?

Big Jim Weston:
Not what I'm doin' now. I've been wrong all my life. Even my friends were wrong. It's those friends I want to see now, Gerry. When I go back to prison, I don't want to be lonesome. I want my friends with me.

Big Jim Weston:
Don't worry about it, honey. It's like Father O'Toole told me one time. There are two coaches, he said. One goes the right road and the other goes the wrong one. Your dad caught the wrong coach.

[last lines]

Gene Autry:
So that's the way it was. One team pulls out with lives destined to end in prison. The other team returnes to the Flying "A" with a bunch of swell youngsters, their lives just beginning.

[first lines]

[Pat reads a signpost]

Pat Buttram:
Beelzebub's Bivouac. What in tarnation is that, Gene?

Gene Autry:
Satan's camp.

Pat Buttram:
Satan!

[Pat draws his gun after fighting a henchman in a rowboat]

Pat Buttram:
I'm gettin' seasick. Let's go ashore.

[from his rowboat, Pat gets the drop on the henchmen fighting Gene]

Pat Buttram:
Hey, Gene! I got 'em covered. You go ahead, I'll bring 'em in.

Gene Autry:
Alright, Admiral!

Pat Buttram:
Alright you landlubbers. Hoist the topsail! Anchors aweigh! Ship ahoy! Clear the poopdeck!

[examining a wanted poster of the young Randy Barker]

Pat Buttram:
Don't look like killer, does he?

Gene Autry:
Billy the Kid didn't either.

Gene Autry:
I'm Gene Autry, U.S. Marshal. I brought someone with me.

Peggy Barker:
How many of you does it take to catch one man?

Randy Barker:
Easy, sis! Don't bite - he's a friend of mine.

[after Pat sat on a hot iron he fell into a tub of soapy water]

Gene Autry:
I always thought you were supposed to take your clothes off before you washed them.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, and before you ironed them, too.

Gene Autry:
Yeah, it's Porter and Wells alright. Now remember, we want to find out who's been sellin' 'em guns they've been runnin' over the border. That means we want 'em in a condition to talk.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, but will we be?

Dodge Hartman:
You can't shoot 'em in here!

Jack Wells:
Who says I can't?

Pat Buttram:
But I ain't made my will yet.

Pat Buttram:
Stick 'em up!

Horace, the Deputy Sheriff:
Go on. Stick 'em up!

Hurry:
No, you stick 'em up.

Pat Buttram:
That ain't fair - I said it first.

[last lines]

Gene Autry:
Guess I was wrong about you Miss Kathy. You're a real sheriff.

Sheriff Kathy Vale:
And I was wrong about Dodge Hartman. But... he was go to kill you!

[Kathy starts to cry]

Pat Buttram:
[disgusted] Women!

Horace, the Deputy Sheriff:
[dreamily] Yeah... women.

[Gene and Pat find a man with an arrow protruding from his back]

Gene Autry:
A silver arrow!

Pat Buttram:
First time I ever heard of injuns makin' arrows out of silver.

Gene Autry:
Maybe Indians didn't make this one.

[first lines]

Pat Buttram:
Hey, Gene! Some hombre just held up the Red Rock Bank and got away with twenty thousand dollars... made a clean getaway!

Gene Autry:
What's the sheriff doin' about it?

Pat Buttram:
He ain't doin' nothin'. He's dead!

[first lines]

Pat Buttram:
Hey, Gene! Some hombre just held up the Red Rock Bank and got away with twenty thousand dollars!

Gene Autry:
What's the sheriff doin' about it?

Pat Buttram:
He ain't doin' nothin'. He's dead!

Deputy Joe Reynolds:
How'd it go?

Ben Foster:
I had a little trouble with the Sheriff - but he lost the argument.

[after Pat's pistol clicks on an empty cartridge, the outlaws pepper him with bullets]

Pat Buttram:
My gun's empty! You're not playin' fair!

[during the shootout with the bank robbers, one of Autry's ranchhands is wounded]

Pat Buttram:
The onery varmint! I wish I had one of them iron pineapples.

Gene Autry:
Now look, son...

Jimmy Foster:
I ain't your son! There's my old man, the one you shot. Now get out of here before I let daylight through you!

[Gene refuses to turn the holdup money over to the bank president]

Gene Autry:
I can't turn it over to you without a court order, Mr. Curry.

Banker Kirk Curry:
Why? It belongs to me - it's the bank's money.

Gene Autry:
It will have to be used as evidence at the trial. It'll be just as safe as here as in your vault.

Pat Buttram:
Safer, maybe.

Martha Neill:
What about the boy, Mr. Autry? Surely you don't intend to keep a child like that in jail.

Gene Autry:
No and I hate to think about him goin' to reform school. It could make him a real criminal.

Pat Buttram:
He'll probably make criminals out of the rest of the kids up there. He'll have 'em playin' "Cowboys and Indians" with real bullets.

Gene Autry:
If somebody don't look out after the boy, he'll turn out like his dad.

Pat Buttram:
He's got a pretty good start.

Pat Buttram:
No, Gene, you're not gonna let that young Jesse James ride Little Champ!

Gene Autry:
A boy's gotta have a horse of his own, doesn't he? Tomorrow's Jimmy's birthday.

Pat Buttram:
But not Little Champ! Why, you turned down five thousand dollars for him. That little cuss wouldn't appreciate him. First thing you know, he'll be teachin' him to pick pockets.

[as Pat tries to reload his pistol during a gunfight, bullets strike the tree he's hiding behind]

Pat Buttram:
My gun's empty! You're not playin' fair!

Pat Buttram:
No, Gene! You aren't going to let that young Jesse James ride Little Champ?

Gene Autry:
Kid has to have a horse of his own, doesn't he? Tomorrow's Jimmy's birthday.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, but not Little Champ, Gene! Why, you turned down $5000 for him. That little cuss won't appreciate him. The first thing you know, he'll be teaching him to pick pockets.

Pat Buttram:
Gene, you're just an easy mark. You've been kiddin' yourself about that little stinker from the beginning. You been figgerin' you could straighten him out 'cause that's what you wanted, but believin' somethin' don't make it so.

Gene Autry:
I disagree with you there, Pat. It makes it so to the one who believes it.

Pat Buttram:
You said we'd stay out of trouble till we fixed up the ranch.

Gene Autry:
I know, Pat, but it's our duty to help enforce the law.

Pat Buttram:
It's my duty to stay alive.

Gene Autry:
Why?

Pat Buttram:
Well, because you... I mean... I figure that... on the other hand... well, I... Whadja have to go and ask a question like that for?

Gene Autry:
Look, you don't have to come along with me.

Pat Buttram:
'Course I do. You got me so used to bein' shot at that I can't sleep nights unless a crook's tryin' to kill me.

Gene Autry:
That's just an old skull someone put up to scare strangers away.

Pat Buttram:
Well, I'm a stranger and I'm scared.

Gene Autry:
I'm not afraid! Now go over there and knock on that door.

Pat Buttram:
Oh, you're not scared. Ha!

[first lines]

Gene Autry:
Hey, Pat!

Pat Buttram:
A man can never finish a nap around here.

Gene Autry:
You're way ahead on sleep, Pat. Besides there's plenty to do at the ranch.

[last lines]

Pat Buttram:
A man can't never finish a nap around here.

Pat Buttram:
What with old friends robbin' banks and bandits singin' like nightingales, I'm beginning to dislike this country.

[Outlaws have left Gene and Pat tied up next to the road]

Pat Buttram:
Stop twitchin' so!

Gene Autry:
Well, we gotta get out of these some way.

Pat Buttram:
Oh relax, will you. There's somebody comes along this trail every day or two. I'm going to finish my nap.

[Champ, Gene's horse nudges Pat awake]

Pat Buttram:
Help! Apaches, Commanches, Cheyenne...

[sees Champ over him]

Pat Buttram:
...and several other people.

Ma Walker:
Gene, I owe you more than I can ever repay. Last Sunday it was Mother's Day for those other people, but you've given me my own special Mother's Day - every day from now on - because, you've brought my Billy back to me.

Deputy Jim Dixon:
The postmaster hoped you might be going out by Ma Walker's place.

Gene Autry:
What's wrong with Ma?

Deputy Jim Dixon:
Nothing's wrong, but a letter's come to her from Billy and tomorrow being Mother's Day, we sort of hoped he was writin' to say he was comin' home.

Pat Buttram:
You big snoop. How did you know that letter was from her son, Billy?

Deputy Jim Dixon:
Why, it's wrote right here on the outside and anyone's got the right to read what's wrote on the outside!

Pat Buttram:
I bet with those gimlet eyes of yours you can read what's on the inside.

Gene Autry:
Well, I wouldn't trust either one of you characters with my mail. I'll take it.

[Pat sneezes repeatedly]

Eddie Baker:
Gesundheit! Mister, you need a muffler on your exhaust.

Pat Buttram:
Are you in a hurry to get shot?

Gene Autry:
I've got his gun.

Pat Buttram:
Yeah, but maybe it's got a twin brother.

Gene Autry:
Sounds like gunshots.

Photographer Summers:
Oh, probably just a truck backfiring.

Gene Autry:
That's no truck backfiring. It sounds like somebody's shooting up the town.

[last lines]

Pat Buttram:
Hey, this horoscope's all wrong! Accordin' to this, you should be dead and buried, and me grievin' over your grave. You sure you were born June 19th?

Gene Autry:
No, that's your birthday.

Pat Buttram:
Mine! Ohhh...

[Pat faints]