The Good Life

Margo:
Did I hear a dinner gong?

Tom:
Not unless the chicken jumped out of the oven and banged one.

[Margo and Jerry walk in on Tom chasing after Barbara with the scissors]

Jerry:
I see the asylum haven't sent the van yet!

Jerry:
Brick by brick, she's building a madhouse!

Barbara:
I suppose we must be rather a blot on the avenue's escutcheon.

Margo:
Yes, you are.

Barbara:
Oh.

Margo:
But you are very dear friends. And by now I have risen like a phoenix from the fires of your eccentricities.

Tom:
Ah, don't she talk lovely!

Barbara:
Yeah, very nice.

Margo:
You know what I mean. Nothing you can do now will shock me. It's quite simple.

Tom:
Yes. I see that. When's the boar-walker coming, Barbara?

Barbara:
Tomorrow.

Margo:
Boar-walker? What's a boar-walker?

Tom:
This chap we know is bringing his boar to serve Pinky.

Margo:
With what? [Tom smiles] Oh, my God!

Barbara:
Margo, you're shocked!

Margo:
Where?

Tom:
Not in here, in the garden.

Margo:
But I shall be able to see it over the fence.

Barbara:
Only if you're looking.

[Tom and Jerry have been playing golf with Sir]

Tom:
Hello, girls. Had a good gossip?

Barbara:
No, we've been playing strip poker with the postman.

Jerry:
I was just telephoning to find out if I can have my car today. Oh, Tuesday.

[Margo grabs the phone from Jerry]

Margo:
What do you mean Tuesday? [to Jerry] Be quiet! [on telephone] I don't care if the spare parts come from Mars. Go and collect them. "A bottle-neck in the lube bay." What does that mean in English? Well, say lubrication, then.

Jerry:
Margo!

Margo:
[to Jerry] Be quiet, Jerry. [on telephone] All right. Go and look at your wretched worksheet. No, you may not tinkle me back. I'll hold on.

Tom:
[tiredly] Barbara, I can't get my wellies off.

Margo:
[reading from a card] "The Ooh-Aah bird is so-called because it lays square eggs." I don't understand that.

Tom:
Come on, Margo. Get your hat on.

Margo:
This is the "Daily Mirror".

Jerry:
Please, have the "Telegraph".

Margo:
Thank you.

Margo:
Why don't you just throw a bucket of mud on the floor?

Jerry:
Look, I've just cut my finger clipping your blasted hedge.

Margo:
Don't swear, Jerry. And don't bleed in the sink, I've just cleaned it.

Margo:
Road cleaning, I shall pay. Street lighting, I shall pay. Ground rent, I shall pay. But when it comes to the drain in front of my house, I shall not. Because it is blocked up and overflowing.

Mr. Squires - Clerk:
I shall make a note of that.

Margo:
You will do more than that, Mr. Squires. You will have a plumber on my door step at nine o'clock tomorrow morning with a plunger in his band, or you will not get a penny.

Mr. Squires - Clerk:
Just who do think you are, Mrs. Ledbetter?

Margo:
I am the silent majority.

Tom:
[calls through the letterbox] Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

Margo:
Tom! [pauses] *What* is that?

Tom:
It's two dustbins on a trolley.

Margo:
I can see it's two dustbins on a trolley and when I asked you the question it was a rhetorical one which does not need a direct answer as you knew very well in the first place.

Tom:
Oh. You make me hold my breath when you do those long sentences, Margo.

Margo:
What *is* it?

Tom:
It's two rhetorical dustbins on a rhetorical trolley.

Margo:
Then will you kindly remove them from my crazy paving before someone sees us.

Tom:
They'd have less chance of seeing us if we hide behind the dustbins.

Tom:
I'm stronger that you are and I can pin you to the bed any time I feel like it.

Barbara:
Rubbish.

Barbara:
[Barbara is visiting Tom in jail] Oh, Tom. I do miss you.

Tom:
I miss you too, love. There's two-thousand of us in here but it's ever so lonely.

[first lines]

Tom Good:
[to Barbara] Whoa, whoa, that's far enough.

Tom Good:
Did you see Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy in 'Rose-Marie'?

Barbara Good:
No, I don't remember silent films.

Barbara Good:
[to Barbara] 30 measly quids standing between us and some efficient transport.

Margo Leadbetter:
Why don't you just throw a bucket of mud on the floor?

Jerry Leadbetter:
Look, I've just cut my finger clipping your blasted hedge.

Margo Leadbetter:
Don't swear, Jerry. And don't bleed in the sink. I've just cleaned it.

Jerry Leadbetter:
I'm sorry.

Margo Leadbetter:
And don't throw rubbish in the rubbish bin.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Why on earth not?

Margo Leadbetter:
I've just emptied it.

Jerry Leadbetter:
It's going to fill up again sooner or later.

Margo Leadbetter:
It will do that without your help, thank you very much.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Is it all right if I sit down in my chair, in my house?

Margo Leadbetter:
No it is not. You are coming to the bedroom with me.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Oh...

Margo Leadbetter:
And you can forget that sort of thing for the next month Jerry. I shall be far too exhausted with all this housework. Now, you tuck sides and I tuck corners.

Jerry Leadbetter:
What are you talking about, woman?

Margo Leadbetter:
Beds do not make themselves, Jerry. And don't "woman" me.

Barbara Good:
[to Tom] You are impossible! It's a waste of time talking to you, you're in one of your unbearable "life is a cabaret" moods.

Margo Leadbetter:
You still don't understand, do you Tom? You see, life for me is a series of pigeonholes.

Tom Good:
Ah, and today we are the right pigeons in the right pigeonhole?

Margo Leadbetter:
[to Tom & Barbara] Here's to relationships being kept in their proper pigeonholes for the next three weeks.

[last lines]

Tom Good:
Hey! Wait for us! I can only do seven and a half miles an hour.

[first lines]

Ron the Landlord:
Two thirty six please, George.

Margo Leadbetter:
Oh, no, no, George. This one's on me, I insist. Money, Jerry!

Tom Good:
[to Barbara] I'm bloody useless! Look at me, the Walking Dead!

Barbara Good:
[to Tom] People always help out in a crisis, like the old spirit of the blitz.

Barbara Good:
[to Ron] Marvelous, isn't it? The old spirit of the blitz.

Tom Good:
Spirit of the blitz?

Barbara Good:
Oh, I've done that.

Tom Good:
Now, that is a miracle.

Margo Leadbetter:
If any of you so much as sn*ggers, I'm going straight back indoors.

Barbara Good:
Margo, we couldn't be more grateful.

Margo Leadbetter:
Even I can see that this is a genuine emergency. After all, what are friends for? Mind you. this will be the first, and last time, so make good use of it.

[last lines]

Tom Good:
Four pints of bitter please Ron, and some oil for me wheels! Money, Jerry! Come on.

[first lines]

Barbara Good:
Oi! Fiddler! Come in off the roof!

Tom Good:
All right, already.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Is that you Margo?

Margo Leadbetter:
Yes, it's me.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Bye-bye, Burt.

Barbara Good:
[to Tom] It's not luck. You're becoming a cottage industry.

[last lines]

Barbara Good:
The cat's going to have kittens.

Tom Good:
Oh. He can't, It's a Tom.

Barbara Good:
Well, you know Tom's, Tom. They can do anything.

[Barbara is in tears at the thought of having to move]

Margo:
Loyal, passive Barbara. Very well, I shall tell Tom myself.

Barbara:
[jumps up, no longer in tears] You take one more step and I'll drop you where you stand.

Margo:
Barbara!

Barbara:
Yes, I may be smaller than you but I'm a better fighter.

Margo:
I'll tell you this, Jerry. The male animal has a lot to answer for.

Jerry:
What have I done now?

Margo:
All of you. Down through the ages, and it's the woman who always suffers. You drag her alone behind you like a mere thing. An object. A chattel.

Jerry:
Margo, I simply...

Margo:
Don't interrupt, Jerry. Just put that hi-fi equipment away and make the coffee.

Jerry:
Anything you say, chattel.

Margo:
Are you listening to the New Seekers?

Jerry:
Yes.

Margo:
Why?

Jerry:
I like the New Seekers.

Margo:
Well, I detest wallpaper music.

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Hey!

Barbara:
Coming.

[Tom and Barbara carry two large halves of a carcass into the kitchen]

Tom Good:
There we are. And the next. Sorry. Right, I got it. Alas poor Perky, I knew her well.

Barbara:
Don't be ghoulish.

Tom Good:
Sorry.

Barbara:
Do you think Pinky'll miss her?

Tom Good:
No, she'll have other things on her mind, she'll be on her honeymoon soon.

Barbara:
Now then, hang them somewhere cool and drafty for a few hours the man said.

Tom Good:
Yes. The spare room. That's cool.

Barbara:
It's not drafty.

Tom Good:
It will be when I take the door off.

Margo:
[Margo enters] Hello! It's only Margo. What a lovely morning... Oh, my God! What *have* you got on your kitchen table?

Barbara:
Miss Mountshaft. That'll teach her to throw you out of the musical society.

Margo:
I resigned, Barbara.

Barbara:
I suppose as far as you're concerned, Tom and I must be a blot on the avenue's escutcheon.

Margo:
Yes, you are.

Barbara:
Oh.

Margo:
But you are very dear friends. And by now I have risen like a phoenix from the fires of your eccentricities.

Tom Good:
Oh, don't she talk lovely?

Barbara:
Yeah, very nice.

Margo:
You know what I mean. I mean, nothing you can do now will shock me. It's quite simple.

Tom Good:
Yes. I understand that. Oh, when's the boar-walker coming, Barbara?

Barbara:
Tomorrow.

Tom Good:
Oh, yes.

Margo:
Boar-walker? What's a boar-walker?

Tom Good:
This chap's bringing his boar to serve Pinky.

Margo:
With what? [Tom smiles] Oh, my God!

Barbara:
Margo, you're shocked!

Margo:
Where?

Tom Good:
Not in here, in the garden.

Margo:
But I should be able to see it over the fence.

Barbara:
Only if you're looking.

Margo:
Well, what about Mrs. Weaver?

Tom Good:
She can watch if she likes.

Margo:
This sort of thing simply does not go on in Surbiton.

Tom Good:
It must do, Margo. That is how little baby Surbitonites are made.

Margo:
Good morning.

Jerry:
I see you two performed another living fairytale.

[last lines]

Barbara:
Toad! Toad! Toad!

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Litterbug!

Barbara Good:
Ratbag!

Mr. Wakeley:
Broadly speaking, I suppose you might call it the "Brotherhood of Creation".

Tom Good:
They won the Eurovision Song Contest, didn't they?

[last lines]

Tom Good:
Peter mate, I've always believed in you.

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Right, I've laid the table.

Barbara Good:
Thank you.

Jerry Leadbetter:
You could be fined - quite a lot... Trading without a licence. You know I really ought to talk to Tom about this. Where is he?

Barbara Good:
Tom? Oh, he's out... Trading without a licence.

Margo Leadbetter:
Now listen very carefully to me, Mr... umm, Mr. Squires. I have itemized the components of my rates bill scrupulously.

Mr. Squires:
As every citizen should Mrs. Leadbetter.

Margo Leadbetter:
I am not a citizen. I am a resident. Now, road cleaning, I shall pay. Street lighting, I shall pay. Ground rent, I shall pay. But when it comes to the drain in front of my house, I shall not. Because it is blocked up and overflowing.

Mr. Squires:
I'll make a note of that.

Margo Leadbetter:
You will do more than that, Mr. Squires. You will have a plumber on my door step at nine o'clock tomorrow morning with a plunger in his hand, or you will not get a penny.

Mr. Squires:
Just who do think you are, Mrs. Leadbetter?

Margo Leadbetter:
I am the silent majority.

[last lines]

Margo Leadbetter:
There will come a time when you need money again.

Tom Good:
There will not!

Barbara Good:
Tom, can I have that penny?

[first lines]

Tom Good:
[scoffs] Look at that. Look at that.

Tom Good:
I'm stronger that you are and I can pin you to the bed any time I feel like it.

Barbara Good:
Rubbish.

Margo Leadbetter:
I would just like to say, Tom and Barbara, that this is the last time you involve me with the Gutter Press. Good morning.

[last lines]

Tom Good:
What a bloody load of old rubbish! I told you this fork was no good when I found it in the shed.

[Margo is playing Maria in the amateur dramatic society's performance of The Sound of Music, Jerry is helping her with her make-up]

Jerry:
Margo! Sit still!

Margo:
I'm sorry, Jerry. It's these flowers they've given me. I mean, one does not pick dahlias and chrysanthemums in an alpine meadow.

[Barbara points at the basket of flowers]

Barbara:
Shouldn't they be edelweiss?

Margo:
You see? Barbara's noticed. I told Miss Mountshaft she should have ordered the real thing from Moisy Stevens but no, plastic will do. The whole thing is tat, tat, tat.

Margo:
The people who have moved in next door to you are charming.

Tom:
Yes?

Margo:
That's it, that is the good news.

Barbara:
But they only moved here yesterday. You were in there a bit quick.

Margo:
I was not in there a bit "quick*ly*". Adverb, Barbara.

[Jerry, Barbara and Tom have been to see the musical society's production of The Sound of Music]

Tom:
I mean... I mean... That *was* The Sound of Music wasn't it?

Jerry:
Possibly.

Tom:
I wondered. For a moment I thought we'd strayed into the Folies Berg?res.

Barbara:
You mean the sunrise scene where all the nuns realized they were in see-through habits?

Tom:
Yes. I never really believed in them after that. Why did Margo sing Maria?

Jerry:
It's the name of the character she was playing.

Tom:
I know, but I thought the song came from West Side Story.

Barbara:
It did.

Margo:
And I'm still desperately worried about Baron Von Trapp's lederhosen.

Jerry:
Why?

Margo:
Because they have not been dubbined properly, and every time he bends over they squeak!

Jerry:
Darling, that's *his* problem. You can't worry about everything.

Margo:
Oh, I know, but I do.

Tom:
Is this the stars' dressing room?

Margo:
Oh, Tom, Barbara. Do come in.

Barbara:
We couldn't afford a telegram, so we made you that.

[gives her a home-made good luck card]

Margo:
Oh, how kind.

Tom:
Oh, now, come on, Margo. We saw some of the cast on our way round here. They looked very, very good. Except for a kid with a runny nose.

Margo:
I detest that child. With his nose running on one side, and the Baron's lederhosen squeaking on the other, I shall go to pieces. I know I shall.

Margo:
So much for James and Maggie Preston. At least we won't have to listen to any more of those interminable stories about her womb.

Margo:
[preparing to go on stage for a performance of The Sound of Music] Don't trip over the mountains. Don't trip over the mountains...

Boy in Play:
Overture and learners, please. Overture and learners.

Margo:
Overture and beginners you ghastly little child!

[first lines]

Andrew:
Ah, Jerry. You got a straight line from the green there.

Barbara:
What is it about this particular scene that bothers you?

Margo:
It's Miss Mountshaft's nephew. He's playing one of Baron Von Trapp's children.

Barbara:
So...

Margo:
His nose runs, Barbara. And whenever he's onstage there's nowhere else I can look.

Tom:
[Tom and Jerry have been playing golf with Sir] Hello, girls. Had a nice gossip?

Barbara:
No, we've been playing strip poker with the postman.

Margo:
[to Jerry] Well, thank you very much, Jerry. Thank you very much.

Tom:
[to Margo] Why did you sing 'Maria' from West Side Story?

[last lines]

Jerry:
Margo says she's always to cook seaweed. Yes.

Margo Leadbetter:
Are you off dear?

Jerry Leadbetter:
I usually am when I'm putting my overcoat on.

Margo Leadbetter:
No need to call if you'll be late for dinner.

Jerry Leadbetter:
I shan't.

Margo Leadbetter:
Anything in particular you'd like?

Jerry Leadbetter:
Anything except pork.

Margo Leadbetter:
I must say I never knew you to be so keen on pigs.

Jerry Leadbetter:
I'm not I think they're horrible smelly creatures but I'd rather have Tom and Barbara as friends with pigs than not friends without them.

Margo Leadbetter:
It was an agreement. There's no harm in asking someone to honour an agreement is there?

Jerry Leadbetter:
That's what they said about Shylock.

Margo Leadbetter:
Jerry called me "Shylock".

[last lines]

Tom Good:
Now listen, if you ever let on that I didn't make it and you're not Pinky and Perky, it's sausage time.

[Tom has just tasted his home-brewed pea-pod burgundy and is shocked at its potency]

Tom:
It's hurting the back of my eyes!

[first lines]

Man in Plaster:
Excuse me, have you got 'Skiing Monthly'?

Mr. Wilks:
Bottom left, Sir.

Man in Plaster:
Thank you.

Tom Good:
[calls through the letterbox] Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

Margo Leadbetter:
Tom! [pauses] *What* is that?

Tom Good:
Two dustbins on a trolley.

Margo Leadbetter:
I know it's two dustbins on a trolley Tom. And when I asked you the question it was a rhetorical one which does not need a direct answer as you knew very well in the first place.

Tom Good:
Oh. You make me hold my breath when you do those long sentences, Margo.

Margo Leadbetter:
What *is* it?

Tom Good:
It's two rhetorical dustbins on a rhetorical trolley.

Margo Leadbetter:
Then will you please remove them from my crazy paving before someone sees us?

Tom Good:
They'd have less chance of seeing us if we hide behind the dustbins.

Tom Good:
Talk about cheating Mam'selle Guillotine, the Scarlet Pimpernel wasn't in it.

Margo Leadbetter:
[Because of Margot being responsible for the pigs beings sent away] Well, if this business has left you out of pocket...

Tom Good:
No. Dead weight- I just about recouped my outlay.

Margo Leadbetter:
Dead weight? What's dead weight?

Barbara Good:
Like, if I poleaxed you right now, it's the price I'd get for your carcass. That [referring to the truck that drove away the pigs] was a slaugtherhouse truck.

Tom Good:
[Margot looks bewildered] Well, don't look so shocked. The fact is, that if I try to sell them back to the breeder, I get less than I paid for them. They depreciate, like cars and we've got our books to balance.

Margo Leadbetter:
I didn't ask you to kill them. I thought you would just send them away somewhere.

Tom Good:
[with a pause of frustration] Where to? Boarding school?

Margo Leadbetter:
Well. They have places where they retire horses.

Tom Good:
[shrugs Margot off] They were too young to retire, Margot. They were only ten weeks old.

Margo Leadbetter:
Only ten weeks? [nervously sips from her glass]

Barbara Good:
[sad] Just weaned.

Tom Good:
Not much of a life, was it? [Margot looks more and more replexed]

Barbara Good:
Just babies, really.

Tom Good:
[grunts] Never even felt the sun on their backs. [silence ensues]

Barbara Good:
[faking a whimper] Tom, you don't suppose they sensed where they were going, do you?

Tom Good:
No, they say animals know when they are going to die, but... Mind you, that little... that little cry they made when we closed the tailgate was almost human.

Barbara Good:
[almost sobbing] They don't feel anything, do they, when...

Tom Good:
[crassly] When they're garrotted? No. [shrugs] I don't think so. Well, not much, anyway.

Margo Leadbetter:
[finally breaks down] Stop it! For goodness' sake, stop it! [rummages in her pockets, holds her car keys out] Look, here are the keys to my car. Go and save your wretched pigs.

[Tom walks into the shop on the corner, to the shopkeeper]

Tom Good:
Good morning, did you get that copy of Pig Breeder for me?

Shopkeeper:
Yes I did.

[the shopkeeper reaches underneath the counter, and produces the magazine]

[Tom reaches into both pockets of his fleece, and produces two eggs]

Tom Good:
Two, was it?

[the shopkeeper accepts the eggs, and smiles]

Shopkeeper:
Yes it is.

Tom Good:
Thanks.

[Tom leaves the shop with his magazine and the next customer arrives at the counter with Skiing Monthly magazine]

Customer in shop:
[to the shopkeeper] I'm sorry, I don't have any eggs on me, do you accept cash?

[Margo ordered Mr Carter, Chairman of the Residents' Organisation, to forbid Tom and Barbara to keep pigs, but he has merely imposed a few restrictions on them]

Margo Leadbetter:
[flounces off in disgust] Well you are not the Mr Carter I imagined you to be.

Mr. Carter:
Well I'm sorry to hear that...

Mr. Carter:
[under his breath, so only Tom and Barbara can hear]... Because she's *exactly* the Mrs Leadbetter I imagined her to be.

Tom:
When I get a birthday card from my wife, I expect a loving, sickly verse. Not "Another nail in your coffin you old wreck!"

Margo:
[sitting in bed while Jerry stares out the window] What is it? What's going on?

Jerry:
The Goods. They're dancing in their goldfish pond.

Margo:
Ask them why?

Jerry:
I hadn't thought of that. Why?

Barbara:
Celebrating.

Jerry:
Your birthday was yesterday.

Tom:
No. We're celebrating we found out how to beat it!

Margo:
What's he saying?

Jerry:
Margo, if you're so damned interested, why don't you get out of bed yourself and have a look?

Barbara:
[reading some notes Tom has made] "Gobar gas. Gobar is the Hindi for cow dung. One cubic foot of gas may be generated from one pound of cow dung. N.B. check this figure for animal droppings generally."

[first lines]

Tom:
[reading a birthday card] "Mozart and Mendelssohn were dead by 40, why aren't you?" How thoughtful.

Barbara:
I haven't caught you indulging in some private fetish have I?

[about Tom's ideal of self sufficiency]

Jerry:
You're totally insane.

Tom:
Jerry, we've never been saner in all our lives.

Tom:
What do you think?

Barbara:
I need to think.

Tom:
Garden?

Barbara:
Yes.

Tom:
[fetches wellies] Right. Left. Coat.

Barbara:
Coat. [leaves to pace in the garden]

Tom:
Piece of cake?

Barbara:
No thank you. [continues pacing] Do you want to sell up and buy a small holding in the country to do this?

Tom:
No, this isn't meant to be the full going back to nature thing, besides we love this house too much to sell it.

Barbara:
Self-sufficiency in Surbiton.

Tom:
Yes, I know it'll make the avenue look a bit odd.

Barbara:
No no. [continues pacing] I couldn't kill chickens.

Tom:
Alright, I'll chop their heads off with my black and decker while you're not looking.

Barbara:
[continues pacing] What happens when we need new clothes?

Tom:
I'll have made the loom by then. With the wool from the goat.

Barbara:
No no. [finishes pacing]

Tom:
Well? Well?

Barbara:
You're on.

Tom:
What?

Barbara:
We'll do it.

Tom:
Now, have you thought about this?

Barbara:
What do you think I've been doing? Taking my wellies for a walk?

Tom:
[to Barbara] I'd run off with you if you weren't married.

Barbara:
Life begins at forty.

Tom:
That's a fallacy for a start.

Tom:
You look like an advert for gracious living.

Jerry:
I am.

Jerry:
[to Tom] We joined this company eight years ago.

Tom:
[to Jerry] So if I unleash all this dynamite I'm carrying around i'd be up in seventh heaven on the old sixth floor too, would I?

Tom:
[to Barbara] In four years time, Brian and all the whizz kids will be up on the fifth floor, and where will I be? Doing a Mr. Chips with a lot of infants.

Barbara:
I'll tell you what's at the bottom of all this, "It business" you were on about this morning. I had a think in the garden after you left.

Tom:
Hey look, why do you always go into the garden to think? You're not having an affair with that gnome we haven't got, have you?

Tom:
You know that "It Business"?

Barbara:
Oh, no, no more. I'm not strong enough.

Tom:
No, no, no, no, no. I've defined what it is. It's breaking the circle.

[last lines]

Tom:
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got three hundred weight of spuds to put in.

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Come on, come on, come on.

Tom Good:
[to Barbara] All the things on here are the less expensive but high nourishment foods.

Barbara Good:
[about the cockerel] Perhaps he's queer.

Tom Good:
[to Felicity] We think we have a queer cockerel.

Sir Andrew:
[to Tom] There's a desk waiting for you at J.J.M.

Felicity:
Your goat dear, does it have a name?

Barbara Good:
Yes, Margo.

Margo Leadbetter:
Jerry!

Jerry Leadbetter:
It's their goat.

Barbara Good:
[to Tom] You saw the 'Seven Samurai', chop it's head off.

Barbara Good:
I've not heard of anyone shooting a chicken before.

Tom Good:
It's an old Mafia trick.

Tom Good:
Chicken, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

Tom Good:
[to the chickens] Okay, sweethearts, nobody moves.

[last lines]

Barbara Good:
How could you miss a chicken from six inches?

Tom Good:
It ducked! Anyway, we know how to make them lay now. Scare them into it.

[first lines]

Barbara Good:
Tom! Lunch is ready.

Tom Good:
Coming!

Margo Leadbetter:
This leak business is symptomatic of the moral decline of this country since the fall of the last Conservative government.

Tom Good:
[to Harry] All right, stay where you are. This is a citizen's arrest.

Tom Good:
Mind you, I would have been all right in Dodge City, places like that.

Barbara Good:
What as? A dance hall girl?

Tom Good:
Look, that was a pretty fancy piece of shooting last night, you know. To get a bloke in the backside - one shot - in the hip - in the dark and what? A hundred yards? Can't be bad!

Barbara Good:
Better than missing a chicken at six inches.

Tom Good:
It ducked, Barbara. - Will you kindly remember that.

Barbara Good:
[to Tom] Wyatt, once you've finished up cleaning Dodge City, perhaps you could do the same with the pigsty.

Tom Good:
Welcome home, Scarface.

Barbara Good:
[Barbara is visiting Tom in jail] Oh, Tom. I do miss you.

Tom Good:
I miss you too, love. There's two thousand of us in here but it's ever so lonely.

[last lines]

Tom Good:
No Geraldine! Still! Sit!

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Careful, careful.

Tom Good:
What are you doing?

Barbara Good:
Starting you.

Tom Good:
Where?

Barbara Good:
The Rotary Cultivator Grand Prix.

Tom Good:
Planting potatoes was backbreaking until the invention of the Non-Stoop Good-o-scope.

Barbara Good:
What in heaven's name is that?

Tom Good:
[tiredly, to Barbara] Barbara, I can't get my wellies off.

Tom Good:
[to Barbara] I'm talking about nature's clock.

Barbara Good:
[to Tom] Well, I'm overtired, and I get annoyed with who I like when I'm overtired. And I am overtired.

Tom Good:
We were in bed.

Barbara Good:
At half past eight at night? Why? [Jerry laughs] Jerry!

[last lines]

Margo Leadbetter:
Are you enjoying yourselves. Do have some. Do have some.

Jerry Leadbetter:
It's going well, isn't it, darling?

Margo Leadbetter:
No, it isn't.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Why? What's up?

Margo Leadbetter:
Not "what's" Jerry. "Who"?

[Tom and Barbara tell Margo and Jerry about Guy and Ruth]

Margo:
Ruth? That's a girl's name!

Barbara:
So it is! One of them must be a girl, Tom!

Tom:
Must be the one with lumps in the jersey.

[first lines]

Barbara:
That's interesting.

Tom:
What is?

[Margo and Jerry walk in on Tom chasing after Barbara with the scissors]

Jerry Leadbetter:
I see the asylum haven't sent the van yet!

Jerry Leadbetter:
[about Margo] Brick by brick, she's building a madhouse!

Barbara:
Young love.

Tom:
Yeah.

Guy:
I'm just a boring traditionalist.

[last lines]

Margo:
Oh my God! Jerry! Jerry!

Margo:
Very well, Barbara. I suppose I must simply accept that you are "that kind of woman."

Barbara:
What kind of woman?

Margo:
A woman who wants to be dominated, who actually enjoys being ordered about by men. Very well, I accept it.

Tom:
Well, Margo, I wouldn't say that you were averse to a bit of male domination.

Margo:
I beg your pardon?

Tom:
Well, when you and I were alone in that kitchen I ordered you about. I didn't hear any complaints.

Margo:
Don't be absurd.

Tom:
In fact, your cheeks flushed quite responsively.

Margo:
[Tom has ordered Margo to fetch brandy for the piglet] Tom?

Tom:
What?

Margo:
Remy Martin or Hine V.S.O.P? [Tom glares] Sorry.

[first lines]

Tom:
Come!

Jerry Leadbetter:
Tom. what was the title of that book you wanted me to get you?

Margo:
I know I am going to regret asking this, but what are you doing?

Tom:
Icing the garden.

Tom:
Where have you been anyway?

Barbara:
Nowhere in particular. I've just solved our transport problem. That's all.

Barbara:
[to Tom] There you are, transport problem solved.

Tom:
[to Margot] The main event is going on in here.

Jerry Leadbetter:
[to Constable Hillman] Now, look here, Kojak.

[last lines]

Tom:
Dear, oh dear, oh dear. Women, eh?

Barbara:
Just get out into the kitchen and feed that pig. Now!

Tom:
Oh yes, dear. Of course, dear. I would have done it right away...

Tom:
I don't have to keep on telling you I love you, do I? You just know it.

Barbara:
Do you?

Tom:
Do I what?

Barbara:
Love me?

Tom:
Well, of course I do, you silly b*tch!

[first lines]

Barbara:
Very kind of you to offer a lift to the shops, Margo for me, but I could have walked to the ironmongers by now.

Margo Leadbetter:
I know, dear. I sometimes wonder why Jerry bothers to have the car serviced. He does one himself every time he gets in the wretched thing.

Barbara:
Why did Jerry offer to buy me a pint?

Tom:
Well, you're one of the lads, aren't you?

Jerry Leadbetter:
[on the phone] Hello, Jerry Leadbetter here. I was just telephoning to find out whether I can have my car today? Oh, Tuesday? What - [Margo grabs the phone from Jerry]

Margo Leadbetter:
What do you mean, Tuesday? [to Jerry] Be quiet! [on telephone] I don't care if the spare parts come from Mars. Go and collect them. "A bottle-neck in the lube bay." What does that mean in English? Well, say lubrication, then!

Jerry Leadbetter:
Margo...

Margo Leadbetter:
[to Jerry] Be quiet, Jerry. [on telephone] All right. Go and look at your wretched worksheet. No, you may not "tinkle" me back. I'll hold on.

Tom:
Jerry, can I use your phone?

Jerry Leadbetter:
Don't interrupt Margo right now, she's in full flow.

Margo Leadbetter:
[on telephone] Hello? Are you the same man? Very well. No, that is not good enough.

Barbara:
I'm screaming!

Tom:
Why?

Barbara:
Because as far as you're concerned, there are three sexes in the world - Man, woman - and Barbara.

Tom:
[to Barbara] Look, love, - Barbara! It would be pointless you having a dress like Eileen wore. You're too short. [Barbara screams from another room]

[repeated line]

Tom:
Women, eh?

Jerry Leadbetter:
[to Margo] This is Barbara's night.

[last lines]

Barbara:
What am I going to do with you?

Tom:
I don't know. Looking forward to finding out, though.

Barbara:
Come along.

Tom:
Shall I throw the cat on the fire?

Barbara:
No, not just now. Just got comfortable.

[Margo is wearing a voluminous white gown]

Margo:
Hello, Barbara.

Barbara:
Margo, what have you got on? You look like the Angel of Death.

Margo:
Yes, it's hideous, isn't it? The whole choir is wearing them when we sing The Messiah. Miss Mountshaft wants everyone to look the same and she only gave the dress maker one set of measurements.

Barbara:
Hers, presumably.

Margo:
Yes. Jerry calls it my Oratorio Tent.

Barbara:
I'm clearing the area of innocent bystanders.

Margo:
What do you mean?

Barbara:
Put it this way, I don't want you singing The Messiah with Tom's blood splattered all over your dress.

Margo:
Now, your dinner.

Jerry:
That's right. I got some Indian takeaway.

Margo:
Then will you kindly eat it in the kitchen with the extractor fan full on? The last time, this upholstery reeked of vindaloo for over a week. Good night, Jerry.

[first lines]

Tom:
Did you know the surinam toad has got a pointed head?

Barbara:
What brought that up?

Sir:
You do much skiing, Tim?

Tom:
Tom. No, I do quite a bit of waterskiing.

Sir:
Well, Tom, here's to you and to your good lady, uh, uhm...

Barbara:
Fatima.

Sir:
Yes. Yes, as I said when you left the company, I said, of course, a lot of people think that this self sufficiency is just a dream, you know, but here's a man with the guts and the determination to make it work.

Tom:
Actually, you didn't use those words. You said I was a mindless idiot who'd come crawling back in three weeks.

Tom:
[to Barbara] Anything you miss about the old days?

Barbara:
Do you remember every now and again we'd go mad, have a big blow out, and stay at a fancy hotel for a night?

Tom:
Ah, yes, the old pagan rites.

Margo:
A little white lie.

Barbara:
A great dirty black one.

Margo:
[on the phone] No, Miss Mountshaft, it is important where I stand for the performance. I am going to stand in the front row. I beg your pardon, Miss Mountshaft. I would remind you that I am the only first alto who can hit an A below Middle-C. In addition to which, I am probably the only person in the whole choir to have made anything of those ghastly tents we're wearing. No, I have not finished, Miss Mountshaft. Furthermore, let us remember that it is I who supplied the gingerbread men for rehearsal teas. Blackmail is an ugly word, Miss Mountshaft. Thank you very much. I thought you'd see it my way. See you Tuesday then. Oh, and perhaps we can take that opportunity to discuss who's going to play the lead in 'The Sound of Music'. Goodbye, Miss Mountshaft.

Margo:
I do hope they have a lovely time.

Jerry:
Judging from the smirk on Tom's face when they left, lovely time is hardly the word. This could be the seduction of the year.

[last lines]

Barbara:
Oh, Tom, I don't deserve you.

Tom:
Oh, yes, you do.

Jerry:
Come and have a cuddle?

Margo:
Jerry, please. It's broad daylight. We're in somebody else's house. No, I'm sorry.

Margo:
I'd sooner pay the electricity bill.

Jerry:
I'd sooner you pay the electricity bill.

Margo:
Meaning Jerry?

Jerry:
Sometimes when I come home, our house looks like the Blackpool Illuminations.

[first lines]

Barbara Good:
[Tom is singing and clanging] Tom! Tom! Oh, shut your face! [Tom stops]

Barbara Good:
You're a genius, you are.

Tom Good:
Well old Newton had his apple, Einstein had his relativity. I've got my thing in the cellar.

Tom Good:
[to Jerry] And behold, there was light.

Margo:
I will say this, Tom and Barbara, pride has been known to come before a fall.

Margo:
[Later, when Jerry leaves after Margo is finally in the mood] Well that's the last that I play the tart for you, Jerry!

[last lines]

Jerry:
Oh Tom, care to borrow a candle?

Tom Good:
Do you like it?

Barbara Good:
Yes, I've always wanted two tonnes of rusty old iron in the kitchen. What's it for?

Tom Good:
It's a range, you range on it, with it.

Barbara Good:
Yes but what's it for? We've got a perfectly good cooker already.

Tom Good:
Won't be very good in a couple of weeks when the power gets cut off.

Barbara Good:
Clever. How much did we pay for it?

Tom Good:
The toaster and your hairdryer.

Barbara Good:
Oh thank you very much.

Tom Good:
No electricity.

Barbara Good:
Well, I suppose I could learn to cook with it.

Tom Good:
If you want to dry your hair, put it in there. If you want to make toast, this is *the* way of making toast.

Barbara Good:
Will you be swapping your electric razor for anything soon?

Tom Good:
Yes I suppose so, why?

Barbara Good:
Well this thing is so versatile I want to see how you're going to shave with it.

Jerry:
[to Barbara] Marriage should be a fair division of labour.

Margo:
Like ours.

Jerry:
Not quite like ours, I was thinking more 50-50.

Margo:
Meaning Jerry?

Jerry:
Not 80-20.

Margo:
I hardly call keeping this house in immaculate condition a mere 20%.

Jerry:
You don't. Mrs Pearson comes in five times a week.

Margo:
There is the garden.

Jerry:
I know. Mr Pearson comes in three times a week.

Margo:
I pick and arrange all my own flowers.

Jerry:
But you wouldn't do that if the Pearsons had a daughter who does flower arranging.

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Ready?

Barbara Good:
Have been for ten minutes.

Tom Good:
[to Barbara] Come and look at the range.

Margo:
[to Barbara] You wouldn't have silly little arguments, would you?

Sam:
Shere Khan.

[last lines]

Barbara Good:
Well, that's another problem solved, isn't it?

Tom Good:
Yes, yes, always provided of course he does chase birds.

Barbara Good:
[chicken cackles] Oh, my God, what's that?

Tom Good:
He chases birds, all right! He's in the chicken's run!

Margo:
Well, let me show you what I've got.

[takes a dress out of a plastic bag and presents it]

Barbara Good:
Oh, that's nice.

Margo:
Yes, well, that's what I thought when I bought it. But I'm afraid it was a terrible mistake.

Barbara Good:
Ohhh.

[leans in to read the tag]

Barbara Good:
Leclerc! Jolly expensive mistake.

Margo:
Well that's not important. The point is, Barbara, I got it home, I put it on, and I said to myself, "Margo, that simply looks cheap and nasty.". So I wondered if you'd like it?

Barbara Good:
[Breathes a full breath, and replies] Margo, you are the mistress of the unfortunate phrase.

Margo:
Did you, or did you not see a pale blue envelope cellotaped to the handle of your pick-axe this morning?

Arthur Bailey:
Yes, I did.

Margo:
And what was written on that envelope?

Arthur Bailey:
N.B.

Margo:
Well?

Arthur Bailey:
Well, I'm not N. Bailey. I'm Arthur Bailey. A.B.

Margo:
You stupid man!

Arthur Bailey:
You can't talk to me like that.

Margo:
I can, because I pay your wages, and get off my carpet. For your information Mr. Bailey, N.B. means Nota Bene.

Arthur Bailey:
Who?

Margo:
It's Latin.

Arthur Bailey:
Oh. Well, I come from Balham.

Margo:
Very well. The fact that you come from Balham probably does excuse your ignorance of even elementary Latin. It does not excuse ignoring a written instruction which is sellotaped to the handle of your pick-axe.

Arthur Bailey:
Written instructions are for white collar workers. I'm manual.

Margo:
I see. So unless a sign reads: "Keep off the grass, Mr. Bailey, and all other manual workers", you ignore it, do you?

Arthur Bailey:
I didn't mean that.

Margo:
Well, what do you mean Mr. Bailey?

Arthur Bailey:
I mean it's up now. It's a fait accompli.

Margo:
Oh, so we know French in Balham, but no Latin?

Margo:
Oh, Tom. You're very manful at times.

Tom:
And you are very womanful.

Margo:
No, I'm not. You can't be womanful if you're starchy.

Tom:
You are not starchy, Margo. You are a very attractive woman.

Margo:
No, I'm not.

Tom:
Yes, you are. And I'll tell you something else. You've got a very sexy neck.

Margo:
Don't be silly. You've never seen my neck.

Tom:
I'm looking at it right now, Margo.

Margo:
Are you?

Tom:
Yes. And it's very, very sexy.

Jerry:
[a drunken Jerry and Barbara are doing dishes. Barbara touches her hair] Now, don't. Stop that.

Barbara:
Well, it's *my* hair.

Jerry:
I know. It's not that, it's the gesture. Brings out the beast in me.

Barbara:
Jerry, I'm a married woman.

Jerry:
Well, so am I.

[Margo and Tom are drunk on homemade wine]

Margo:
[sobbing] I'm not a complete woman!

Tom:
Aren't you?

Margo:
I haven't got a sense of humour!

Tom:
Don't worry, Margo, I'll go and get you one!

Margo:
Do you know what they called me at school?

Tom:
Margo Ledbetter?

Margo:
No, I wasn't married then.

Margo:
They called me "starchy Sturgess".

Arthur Bailey:
I won't be a minute!

Margo:
That is correct. You will be ten seconds!

Arthur Bailey:
[to young workman] When you're old enough to erect, you'll erect!

[first lines]

Barbara:
What is going on next door?

Tom:
I think Margo's transferring the garden party from Buckingham Palace.

Margo:
The members of my society will be able to come and rehearse in an atmosphere of Sylvan, perhaps almost Elysian charm.

Barbara:
What? With all the neighbours looking over the fence as they hang their washing out?

Barbara:
[to Jerry] Just because she can't take a joke, she has put it up there Jerry, out of spite.

Tom:
We may have jumped to conclusions here.

Jerry:
Obviously.

Margo:
Well, that's that sorted out.

[last lines]

Margo:
Please...

Jerry:
Wait, Tom.

[first lines]

Tom Good:
Funny. isn't it? Do you realise at this very moment, millions of people all over the country are just sitting goggling at their television sets.

Barbara Good:
Yes?

[repeated line]

Tom Good:
Good old range.

Jerry Leadbetter:
Perhaps if we were all covered in soot.

Margo Leadbetter:
Jerry!

Barbara Good:
Tom! I've got fleas!

Jerry Leadbetter:
Are you itching?

Margo Leadbetter:
[after Tom tells Margo and Jerry that he and Barbara have given them fleas] Jerry! Burn everything!

[last lines]

Tom Good:
He's told her.