The Internship

Lyle:
Can we talk about the on the line thing for a minute?

Billy McMahon:
So, we say 'no' to love?

Mr. Chetty:
Yes, we say 'no' to love.

[last lines]

Billy McMahon:
Hell of a summer, bud.

Nick Campbell:
Hell of a summer.

Yo-Yo Santos:
My mother hits harder than you!

Nick Campbell:
People have a deep distrust of machines. Have you seen Terminator? Or 2? Or 3? Or 4?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Luckily, I saw this coming, cashed out my retirement, bought a condo in Miami Beach, new tits for the wife. Silicone. It's legal again.

Jeanie:
Let me call Kevin.

Nick Campbell:
Jeanie... I'm sure your boyfriend's a great guy, but I'm not ready to work for someone who spent all of last Thanksgiving explaining the meaning of his tattoo.

Billy McMahon:
No, we can't talk about it later. The future doesn't know later.

Nick Campbell:
All the future is, is later. That's literally what the future is. It's later. What are you talking about?

Nick Campbell:
Geez, Yo-Yo, did you get beat up a lot in school?

Yo-Yo Santos:
I was homeschooled by my mom.

Billy McMahon:
Did you get beat up a lot in homeschool?

Billy McMahon:
Here's the deal. I'm pretty terrific on the phones. I could sell prosciutto to a rabbi. And I have.

Neha:
I've only read about this stuff, okay? Craigslist casual encounters, Twilight fanfiction, hentai.

Nick Campbell:
What's hentai?

Neha:
Japanese comic books where the women get penetrated by octopus tentacles.

Graham Hawtrey:
Hello, William. I've been watching you.

Billy McMahon:
You should choose your words a little more carefully in a bath house.

Graham Hawtrey:
In the words of Nelly: 'It's getting hot in here.' And it's getting hot there, too.

Billy McMahon:
That being said, if you want something cold to drink, we'll hook you up.

Stuart:
I'm ok, thank you. Just please, stop talking to me.

Billy McMahon:
I'm your Bill Holden in Stalag 17.

Stuart:
I don't even... I really don't get that reference.

Billy McMahon:
Google it.

Stuart:
Alright...

Billy McMahon:
What the f***, Sammy?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
What the f*** me? What the f***, YOU?

Neha:
What the f*** was that?

Yo-Yo Santos:
I was punishing myself for my inferior performance.

Neha:
[on Graham] What a douche!

Neha:
I'm sorry, almost? Or you either done or you not, you can't be almost pregnant.

Stuart:
Yeah. Hey, she would know guys.

Neha:
Why don't you Google a**hole, a**hole?

Nick Campbell:
I might be detecting a bit of an accent.

Dana:
You are?

Nick Campbell:
Uh huh. I have a very good ear. English, right?

Nick Campbell:
[with a mock British accent] 'Hello, Governor! Oliver Twist! More bread, please, sir!'

Dana:
Australian, actually.

Nick Campbell:
Really? Similar flags, though.

Graham Hawtrey:
William, William, what have you done?

Stuart:
Quick interjection: When you keep saying 'on the line,' you do mean online?

Nick Campbell:
Stuart. Don't do that. You don't do that to a man. He's got a million-dollar idea right here.

Stuart:
A billion-dollar idea?

Nick Campbell:
Even better. Let him flow!

Kevin, Matress Salesman:
[approaching Nick and Billy] How's it going, Gossip Girls? CW just called - you're canceled.

Billy McMahon:
[to Kevin] Me and you are the same height.

Kevin, Matress Salesman:
[shakes head dismissively] We're not the same height. We're not the same height. I'm handsome tall - you're the type of tall where, you walk through the airport, people stop what they're eating and look at you. You're like a freak.

Lyle:
[approaching Billy and Nick] Nice, there they are! Nice to meet you. I'm Lyle, one of the team managers. Pound me! [raises a fist]

Billy McMahon:
Oh, normally, just putting the... the fist up without the words is all that's necessary.

Lyle:
C'mon, bro. Fist me, get up in there.

Nick Campbell:
Yeah, that's definitely not right.

Billy McMahon:
Look who grew an eyebrow, Yo-Yo!

[first lines]

Nick Campbell:
What the sh*t is this? Why is this on the get psyched mix?

Billy McMahon:
Because I gotta throw you a curve-ball every now and again, or you get bored, and the mix doesn't have its intended effect.

Nick Campbell:
No, I want to get rev'd up, and this song's not doing it.

Billy McMahon:
Oh, really? I defy you to crush this chorus and not get psyched.

Nick Campbell:
Not gonna happen.

Billy McMahon:
Don't ya think?

[cranks up the volume and Nick actually starts singing along]

Nick Campbell:
People want to work with people.

Nick and Billy's Boss:
People hate people!

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Face it, where you're goin', you've already been.

Billy McMahon:
Whoa, guys, where's all this hostility coming from?

Stuart:
Where do you think it's coming from, you big tree. Two fifths of our team is made up of two old guys who don't know sh*t.

Nick Campbell:
For whatever it's worth, your imagination is so wild, reality's gonna be a breeze, if not a letdown.

Dana:
Are you talking about regret?

Nick Campbell:
Well, I don't want to add *not* asking you out to that list, because the credit card is maxed out.

Dana:
Okay, so, let me establish, you are in fact asking me out on a date?

Nick Campbell:
Yes. And I figure I'm such a mountain of mistakes that going out with me just once this evening will be like packing 10 years of bad experience into, ya know, one night.

Billy McMahon:
For you this is like teaching a little kid the alphabet, right?

Headphones:
No, actually it's like teaching a kid a letter. Just one letter.

Billy McMahon:
Yeah. Yeah, your strong point would not be communicating to humans.

Headphones:
I know.

Nick Campbell:
You know, Google has single-handedly cut into my ability to bullshit.

Dana:
Cramping your style?

Nick Campbell:
Big time.

Dana:
Make you a better person?

Nick Campbell:
Yeah, true. 90% Google, 10% you.

Dana:
Just 10%? Really?

Nick Campbell:
Let's call it 20%.

Dana:
[giggling] You know, I didn't expect that I would like you.

Nick Campbell:
I didn't think you'd like me, either.

Billy McMahon:
[first time as a Google Tech Support agent] And I want to have you get out there, salsa'ing and grinding up against a complete stranger that you don't even know, having a pretty good time doin' some wrong things. Okay? Are we on the same page?

Billy McMahon:
[patrolling retirement community on scooters] How long you been working this territory?

Randy:
Three years. You know, you get to build a relationship with the customer - and then they die.

Graham Hawtrey:
Zach, eyes off the pizza, mate. God made you lactose-intolerant for a reason, yeah? So fat. So fat.

Billy McMahon:
Nick? Would I be wrong to call you my brother?

Nick Campbell:
Of course not, I'd do anything for my little show pony. Look at me, anything.

Billy McMahon:
I need you to ice my balls for me.

Nick Campbell:
[toasting Yo-Yo's first alcoholic drink] To the night you'll never remember!

Nick Campbell:
Wh-Why did you bring me over to introduce me to this guy? It's like he was your best friend. You introduced me to Hitler.

Billy McMahon:
Great big world out there, my friend. Just three inches up, I beg you.

Stuart:
[Notices the topless waitress] Oh... wow. [Waitress deep throats Stuarts finger] Holy... sh*t, that's deep.

Billy McMahon:
[to Yo-Yo just before the lap dance] This is Tapioca. She's studying to be a dental assistant. Enjoy!

Nick Campbell:
[after Yo-Yo has an orgasm from the lap dance, he dries his pants] It happens all the time. Some would say it's the point.

Nick Campbell:
[after Yo-Yo's second orgasm and he tries to dry his pants again] It's all good. You might want to double up on the underwear next time.

Nick Campbell:
[after Yo-Yo's third orgasm, drying his pants again] I got to tell you, the reboot time is impressive. Trifecta.

Billy McMahon:
This reminds me of a little girl from a steel town who had the dream to dance. She had to strip down to nothing, she had to sit in that chair and arch her back and she reached up and pulled that chain to nowhere and doused herself with water!

Stuart:
Flashdance? You're talking about the movie from the '80's?

Billy McMahon:
You're damn right I am!

Randy:
She calls my junk the Cocoon, makes her feel younger.

[Billy and Nick are at their employer's office after the company goes out of business]

Billy McMahon:
[angry] What the f***, Sammy!

Nick and Billy's Boss:
What the f*** me? What the f*** you! Who told you could barge into my office without an appointment?

Nick Campbell:
You closed the company? And then you sent us out on a sale that we really needed and have Bob Williams drop that bomb on us?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Bob Williams' got a big f***in' mouth.

Nick Campbell:
Yeah, he does.

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Look, you weren't gonna get the sale anyway. Nobody wears a watch anymore. They just check their goddamn phones.

Nick Campbell:
Disagree. Cite your sources.

Billy McMahon:
The kids, maybe, but there's... there's a broader market.

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Lorraine, what time is it?

Lorraine:
[checks the time on her cellphone] 10:26.

Billy McMahon:
One hip, pioneering secretary does not a cultural trend make.

Nick and Billy's Boss:
She 75 years old. Watches are obsolete and so are the two of you.

Nick Campbell:
Obsolete? What does that even mean?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
It means everything's computerized now! It's cheaper for a machine to tell these companies what to order than an manufacturer's rep. They don't need us anymore.

Nick Campbell:
No, people have a deep, mistrust of machines. Have you seen Terminator?

Billy McMahon:
Yep.

Nick Campbell:
Or "2"?

Billy McMahon:
Mmm-hmm

Nick Campbell:
Or "3" or "4"?

Billy McMahon:
All of them.

Nick Campbell:
People wanna deal with people, not terminators.

Nick and Billy's Boss:
People hate people. Times have changed.

Nick Campbell:
That's so negative.

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Luckily, I saw this coming. Cashed out my retirement, bought a condo in Miami Beach, new tits for the wife. Silicone. It's legal again.

Billy McMahon:
Wow.

Nick Campbell:
Saline's out?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Yeah. Me and the old lady are gonna be tucked away real nice.

Billy McMahon:
Yeah, great for you, huh? Perfect. So, uh, that's it right? But what about us, Sammy?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
[sighs] You two were great salesmen. The best! But at the end of the day, you're grinders. Foot solders. We all know you'll never be generals. And I'm gonna say something harsh right now.

Billy McMahon:
Now you're gonna say something harsh?

Nick and Billy's Boss:
Strap it in, boys, 'cause it ain't pretty out there. And you two are dinosaurs. Face it, where you're going... you've already been. [places two watches for Billy and Nick as gifts for them] I thank you for your service.

[At Billy's house, a foreclosure notice is seen on the window; Megan, Billy's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, is about to leave him for good]

Billy McMahon:
Come on, Megan, listen to me. Honey, let's talk about this. Is this because I'm too unselfish in bed? Because I can change it around. I'm not gonna say it's going to be easy, but I can do it. Megan, listen to me. Honey, it's always darkest before the dawn.

Megan:
No, Billy, it's not. It's actually darkest in the middle of the night.

Billy McMahon:
We have enough on the table here without arguing about proverbs.

Megan:
Look, I knew things weren't great, but to come home to a foreclosure sign?

Billy McMahon:
Can we hug it for a second?

Megan:
No!

Billy McMahon:
Can I touch it?

Megan:
No, please.

Billy McMahon:
Okay, listen. That could've been avoided if the Bob Williams deal didn't go so bad on me.

Megan:
You blew the Bob Williams deal?

Billy McMahon:
Well, it's not so much that I blew the deal as much as the company just decided to shut down and take our jobs away. Come on, listen to me, sweetheart. I promise you, I can pay for all of this.

Megan:
It's not about the money, Billy. This is about you, okay? You-you talk a big game, but you never do anything about it. It's like you say that we're going to Spain, but have I ever been to Barcelona?

Billy McMahon:
Barthelona.

Megan:
Ugh!

Billy McMahon:
And not yet, but we're going. Vaya co dios, mi amor.

Megan:
What?

Billy McMahon:
Porque esta bravo en Barthelona y fantastico!

Megan:
No, we are not going to Barthelona, okay? We have discussed going to Barthelona, but we are never going to go to Barthelona.

Billy McMahon:
Not with an attitude like that, we're not.

Megan:
Oh, God!

Billy McMahon:
Wait, do you even hear yourself?

Megan:
Yes.

Billy McMahon:
I'm glad that you got to say some of that, because we're in a relationship, and I'm just glad that we're both committed to it.

Megan:
No, do you know how badly I want to believe that, Billy? Because I've been with you for a long time and nothing ever seems to get better. Honey, you're... you're such a great guy, but you always figure out a way to screw things up and let people down. And Billy, I love you, but I'm really tired of being let down. [Megan storms out of the house and out of Billy's life for good]

Nick Campbell:
[realizing when he's in middle of a game] What the f*** does this have to do with computers?

Nick Campbell:
Why not use emacs rather than vi as the default editor for Ubuntu?

Nick Campbell:
Just when you think your day couldn't get any worse, it got worse.

Billy McMahon:
I feel like my day bent me over, put a ball in my mouth and f***ed me bad.

Nick Campbell:
Is it just me or does life look a lot like those hillbillies from Deliverance now? It's got me over by the tree there, just told me I had a pretty mouth. You over, squealing like a pig on all fours. I'm looking, where's Burt Reynolds with the crossbow? He's not coming. We're there. It's gonna happen. You're gonna get raped.

Billy McMahon:
You know what it is? I feel like life's inside of me. Just working, just pushing... Just going all after it. And all of a sudden, life pulls out. But he's gonna scurry up the pillow. Boom, just explodes right in my f***ing mouth.

Billy McMahon:
[the two of them notice a woman with her child on a bench, next to them] How are you?

Nick Campbell:
Hey... Hey, cute kid. How old is she?

Woman On Park Bench:
She's a boy.

Nick Campbell:
Okay.

Billy McMahon:
Still very attractive. Without pink or blue it's hard to tell, but the features are great. Maybe put him in some modeling.

Nap Pod Guy:
Is this a nap pod or a convo pod? Oh, that's right! It's a convo pod.

Neha:
These guys won't understand. Use your muggle words.