The Italian Job

Charlie Croker:
You've got no imagination. You couldn't even decide what to do with all that money, so you had to buy what everybody else wanted.

Steve:
Try this on your imagination, okay. That gold is already gone.

Steve:
Still don't trust me?

Stella:
I trust everyone. It's the devil inside them I don't trust.

John Bridger:
I feel so optimistic. How do you feel?

Charlie Croker:
[shrugging] I'm fine.

John Bridger:
Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you?

Charlie Croker:
Yeah, unfortunately.

John Bridger:
Freaked out...

Charlie Croker:
Insecure...

John Bridger:
Neurotic...

Charlie Croker:
And Emotional.

John Bridger:
You see those columns behind you?

Charlie Croker:
[looks behind him and sees the pillars] What about them?

John Bridger:
That's where they used to string up thieves who felt fine.

Charlie Croker:
After you.

Lyle:
I am The Napster.

[Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls]

Handsome Rob:
He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie

Charlie Croker:
Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.

Lyle:
Why not? You call him Left Ear.

Left Ear:
Well, I am.

Lyle:
And him Handsome Rob.

Charlie Croker:
Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob!

Lyle:
Well you can call me The Napster.

[Lyle arrives on his motorcycle. He has trouble on the bike, though]

Charlie Croker:
That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea.

[We see a flashback of Fanning stealing a Floppy disk from a napping Lyle]

Charlie Croker:
I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.

Lyle:
Hey.

[Lyle falls over]

Charlie Croker:
You okay?

Lyle:
Yeah.

[a car drives up behind him]

Charlie Croker:
That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl.

[Cuts to the exterior of a toilet stall. Suddenly the door bursts open from an explosion. The toilet is spraying a fountain of water up]

Kid On Left:
Damn, that was cool. How did you do that?

Young Left Ear:
What?

Kid On Right:
How did you do that?

Young Left Ear:
WHAT?

Kid On Right:
I said, "how did you do that?"

Young Left Ear:
What?

[Flashback to present]

Charlie Croker:
Lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.

[a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella]

Charlie Croker:
Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase.

[Cuts to Rob being chased down the freeway by a massive armada of police cars]

Charlie Croker:
You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news?

[We see two women hanging a banner on a bridge saying "We heart you, Rob."]

Lyle:
And then he's just the media darling... He's on the cover of all the magazines, I should of been on the cover of Wired Magazine. You know what he said? He said he named it "Napster" because it was his nickname because of the nappy hair under the hat. But he, it's because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me! He didn't even graduate!

Handsome Rob:
I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you.

Lyle:
[typing into his computer] They are about to hit a major detour and be sent your way. [presses a button. A traffic light at one intersection turns green. Lyle then presses another button, turning the opposite light green. With both directions having greens, one car ends up sideswiping the back of another one. Lyle watches the crash, and says] Oops. [He presses a different button. Another light turns green. Two cars collide and pancake together, sliding into a parked car. Lyle types into his computer] You'll... never... shut down... the *real*... Napster. [At the traffic control center, the message "YOU'LL NEVER SHUT DOWN THE REAL NAPSTER" appears across all of the video monitor screens. The scene changes to various clips of gridlock across the city]

Left Ear:
[observing the front gate to Steve's house. He sees guard dogs] Sh*t. [Speaks into his wire] This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.

Charlie Croker:
[from their Netcom Cable van] What happened?

Left Ear:
I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. "I'm" deaf!

Stella:
I don't go out with strange men. I just met you five minutes ago.

Steve:
I guess I'll just have to sabotage my cable, you know, till we get to know each other well enough.

Skinny Pete:
If there's one thing I know, it's never to mess with mother nature, mother in-laws and, mother freaking Ukrainians.

Charlie Croker:
Look, I need a favor.

Left Ear:
Damn.

Steve:
Where's my truck? What the f*** happened to my truck?

Lyle:
[Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking garage. Lyle watches, amazed] Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?

[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]

Lyle:
[speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?

Lyle:
[speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!

Lyle:
[as Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?

Lyle:
[as Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!

Lyle:
[as Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.

Lyle:
[as Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?

Lyle:
[as Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.

Lyle:
[as Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?

Lyle:
[as Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?

Lyle:
[as Becky] No.

Lyle:
[as Handsome Rob] Perfect!

John Bridger:
Charlie, there are two kinds of thieves in this world: The ones who steal to enrich their lives, and those who steal to define their lives. Don't be the latter. Makes you miss out on what's really important in this life.

Charlie Croker:
What are you talking about, John? You've been a good father.

John Bridger:
Sending presents doesn't make you a good father. I've spent half my kid's life in prison. Don't get to be my age with nothing but this, Charlie. Find somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, and hold onto her forever.

Steve:
You blew the best thing you had going for you. You blew the element of surprise.

[Charlie punches Steve]

Charlie Croker:
Surprised?

Charlie Croker:
Don't you want to see what's inside?

Stella:
Absolutely.

Cop:
Don't you want see what's inside?

Stella:
I never look inside.

Stella:
You know this was never about the gold.

Steve:
What ever helps you sleep at night sweetheart.

[Stella punches Steve]

Steve:
B*tch! Charlie! Come on, Charlie!

[about John]

Charlie Croker:
Just because he was around me more doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you all the time.

Stella Bridger:
[Sniffling] It would be nice if it was true.

Charlie Croker:
It is true. He always regretted not having been a good enough father to you, Stella.

Stella Bridger:
How do you know that?

Charlie Croker:
Because he told me.

John Bridger:
I'm sending you something.

Stella Bridger:
Does it smell nice?

John Bridger:
No. But it's sparkly.

Stella Bridger:
[sounding slightly angry] Does it have a receipt?

Charlie Croker:
A police boat can get from the station to our position in seven. That means you've got four minutes to work your magic.

John Bridger:
What? You told me ten and you said that I would have five.

Charlie Croker:
[slightly panicking] When?

[John smiles and then chuckles]

Charlie Croker:
[sighs with relief] Do not be messing with me right now, okay? I will kick your ass.

Lyle:
[seeing the name "Becky" on the cable-girl's uniform; specifically on her left breast] Becky, huh? Nice name. I wonder what she calls the other one...

Handsome Rob:
And it's such a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend, Lyle.

[Lyle wants to be called "The Napster"]

Handsome Rob:
Come on, Charlie. They were at the same college at the same time.

Charlie Croker:
Why are you encouraging this?

[timing the getaway to Union Station]

Handsome Rob:
It's either bad traffic, peak traffic, slit-your-wrist traffic... you know, five people died from smoking in between traffic lights today.

Left Ear:
You know, they do have the Metrorail, Rob, you could always use that.

Handsome Rob:
Yeah, that'd be ideal for carrying a ton of gold now, wouldn't it, genius?

Charlie Croker:
What's your guesstimate?

Handsome Rob:
The last twenty times I done this journey, you've got an average of thirty two minutes and a top time of fifty, but if we had green lights all the way, we could do it in fourteen minutes.

Stella:
[poking fun] What? Couldn't get through traffic?

Lyle:
You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em.

[chuckles]

Charlie Croker:
What have you got?

Lyle:
Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

Charlie Croker:
You want to do a dry run?

Lyle:
[singsong] I thought you'd never ask.

[as Mashkov's men are taking him away, Steve's panicking]

Steve:
Look, I'll double whatever Charlie's given you, just don't shoot me!

Mashkov:
Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you. No, I'm going to take you to my workplace. I think you'll be very interested in some of the machinery I use.

Lyle:
[about Stella getting into Steve's house and finding the location of the safe by impersonating a Netcom employee] You think Stella can pull it off?

Handsome Rob:
I have my doubts... but there's no talking to Charlie

Lyle:
[in an accent] What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore?

Handsome Rob:
He should know better. Only "I'm" allowed to do that.

Wrench:
[upon first seeing Stella] Whoa, whoa whoa! We didn't get a chance to meet! Wrench.

Stella:
[slapping a wrapped hoagie into his outstretched hand] Ham and cheese.

Wrench:
[everyone laughs] Oh, that's cold. Damn, that's cold.

Stella Bridger:
What did you do to your hand?

Charlie Croker:
I punched Steve.

Stella Bridger:
Well, why do you get to punch him and I don't?

Charlie Croker:
Because those hands are way too valuable.

[as they are dangling from under the road way, after Left Ear's gotten all the explosives in place, and is about to insert the detonater]

Left Ear:
Just give me a minute.

Charlie Croker:
[impatiently] NOW?

Left Ear:
I'm about to insert this detonator tube, and if the brass touches the sides, we'll both be the last people we ever see.

Charlie Croker:
[suddenly looking very nervous] Take all the time you need.

Left Ear:
[after a long pause] Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Croker:
What?

Left Ear:
[pause] I love you, man.

Charlie Croker:
I love you too.

Charlie Croker:
[playing basketball with Handome Rob when his phone rings] Hello?

Stella:
I want to see the look on that man's face when his gold is gone. He took my father from me, I'm taking this. [hangs up]

Charlie Croker:
[to Handsome Rob] She's in.

Steve:
So if I was to ask you out for dinner, would I be the first one of your customers to ever do that?

Stella:
Did you ask your last cable repair guy out to dinner?

Steve:
No. But the last one was like three hundred pounds and had a handlebar mustache.

Lyle:
[to Rob] Wow, that is a nice car. Sorry Rob.

Charlie Croker:
Me? I've been a thief since I had baby teeth. [in flashback, Charlie tells two bullies what to do so he can rob another kid]

Young Charlie:
Okay, you both know what to do.

Bully:
Cough it up now. [They stage some horseplay on another kid] Watch it, spas! Hey, what's your problem, man? [Charlie steals money from that kid's pocket and walks away]

Actor Reharsing in Car:
Turn in your badge and your weapon. I don't want to see you anywhere near this investigation. [Drinks from an imaginary cup and then pretends to crush the cup] Crush

Charlie Croker:
We set?

Lyle:
Yeah. I've enhanced the viewing matrix to track both the Cartesian coordinates and three altitude angles to give the exact position and orientation of our baby.

Left Ear:
We're in Italy. Speak English.

Lyle:
I'm getting a NAD T770 digital decoder with 70-watt amps and Burr-Brown DACs.

Left Ear:
[confused] Yeah...

Lyle:
It's a big stereo. Speakers so loud, they blow women's clothes off!

Handsome Rob:
Now you're talking!

Steve:
Take your hands off the wheel! Don't even think about it, just do it!

Lyle:
James Hymen? Come one, just once give me a cool name!

Left Ear:
A hundred and forty pounds? Try one sixty five!

Handsome Rob:
Try lifting some weights!

[as everyone is leaving Lyle still notices his bike is still laying on the ground]

Lyle:
Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Croker:
Handsome? Think you can help him with his bike?

Left Ear:
Yeah, help Knievel set up for his next jump!

Stella:
Why don't you just come by? We'll have some breakfast, hmm?

John Bridger:
Well, it'd be a long trip. I'm in Venice.

Stella:
...With your Parole Officer's approval, of course?

John Bridger:
Well, I like the guy Stella, you know that. But we never really connected.

Handsome Rob:
[after learning the value of the gold they've stolen] Twenty-seven million...

Left Ear:
Say it again, man.

Handsome Rob:
[louder] Twenty-seven million!

Left Ear:
Again!

Handsome Rob:
*Twenty-seven million!*

[first lines]

Stella:
[on the phone] Hello.

John Bridger:
[on the phone] Hello, sweetie.

Stella:
[on the phone] Daddy, it's early.

John Bridger:
I sent it.

Charlie Croker:
You're supposed to do your shopping after we pull off the job.

John Bridger:
For after the haul.

Charlie Croker:
Hope I'll get to fire it up.

John Bridger:
Still no word from the garbage men?

Charlie Croker:
No. They're no shows. Three months of preps down the tube, and I dragged you out of retirement for nothing.

John Bridger:
This is fun. I like this. You've taken over the reigns, all the worries. You're loosey goosey. I'm just along for the ride.

Left Ear:
[reading from a guide book] "Learn the language of poetry, art, romance, sex..."

Handsome Rob:
Unlike you, my friend, I don't need a guide book. Can we go?

Charlie Croker:
Steve, how we looking?

Steve:
[in one of the rooms in their joint] Papa took the boat to work at 8:15, so the garage is empty. Mama left with daughter at 8:30 for pre-school as usual. So for the next 45 minutes, we own this place, gentlemen.

John Bridger:
I want to propose a toast. To us!

Charlie Croker, Lyle, Left Ear, Handsome Rob, Steve:
Yeah!

Charlie Croker:
Steve, what the hell are you doing?

Steve:
Made a few plans of my own.

John Bridger:
There's nowhere you can go where we won't find you, Steve. You know that.

Steve:
I think that's probably right, John.

First Detective:
Do you always work in the dark?

Stella Bridger:
Makes me feel like I'm alone.

Stella's Receptionist:
How long to crack it?

Stella Bridger:
Four minutes, and forty three seconds.

Stella's Receptionist:
You're the man.

Stella Bridger:
What's in the line up?

Stella's Receptionist:
Todd Millikan called. He has a prototype combination lock he wants you to test out. He says he added two false contact points on the tumbler.

Stella Bridger:
I'll pretend to be stumped for a couple of seconds. Give him a thrill.

Charlie Croker:
I found him Stella. He's in Los Angeles. The gold bricks he stole from us had a Balinese dancer stamped on them. This guy worked for a contact of mine, Skinny Pete, that a gold dealer in L.A.'s been buying those bricks.

Stella Bridger:
Yeah? How do you know it's him.

Charlie Croker:
Skinny Pete sent me this. [shows her a photo of Steve]

Charlie Croker:
Hey, it's not about the gold, Stella. Okay? John was like a father to me, too. I'm sorry, alright. I just can't move on until I've set things right.

Stella Bridger:
I've moved on.

Left Ear:
Okay, party people. Here's the status. There's an anti-scaling fence, hardened electro-plated steel. Yeah, I'll have to paint that up with some nitromon.

Charlie Croker:
Security on the property?

Left Ear:
An armed guard, here. A little rent-a-cop with a nine millimeter on his hip. But that booth, security booth looks prime for a chemical grenade.

Lyle:
Nitromon? Chemical grenades? That stuff's pretty hard to come by.

Left Ear:
Yeah, Lyle, it's a bear market. Sh*t!

Stella Bridger:
Yeah, but so how do we get the gold from the vault to the getaway car.

Charlie Croker:
How wide is the hallway... Napster?

Lyle:
Six feet.

Handsome Rob:
Okay, you've got your gold.

Lyle:
[after he causes a traffic jam] Oops. Wow, did I...? Oops! But it's awesome. Is that not awesome?

Charlie Croker:
Can you change it back?

Charlie Croker:
This is it, guys. Moment of truth. [there is a street party going on ahead of them] What the hell is this? [he stops] Sh*t! Steve's neighbors throwing a party.

Valet:
[someone approaches him] Are you here for the Baker party, Sir?

Charlie Croker:
No.

Steve:
The gang's all here.

Stella Bridger:
You know, the only thing worse than a thief is a coward.

Steve:
Then you shoulda seen the way your daddy begged for his life.

Charlie Croker:
Hello Steve.

Steve:
Charlie. Not bad, Charlie. Really, not bad.

Steve:
Don't talk about right or wrong with me, man, because I don't give a sh*t. Okay? You got your cards, I got my cards. We made our play, and I came out on top. Okay? Now, if you want to start the game up again, that's fine with me. What is your play here, really? Come on, what do you? What do you think? You'll try to take out my guards, right? I have five of them that you don't know about. You'll try to have Lyle hack the system? I'll change it again tomorrow morning. What was your final move? I mean. Have Bridger's daughter come in and try to crack my safe? That's very poetic and all, but I just don't see it. I don't think she'll get anywhere near it.

Charlie Croker:
Same old Steve huh? Always thinking defensively. That's why you're always number two.

Charlie Croker:
[to Steve] It's over when I say it's over.

Lyle:
Charlie, he's flying the coop.

Handsome Rob:
When?

Lyle:
[after realizing how much money they have stolen] Woo. Yeah.

[pauses]

Lyle:
I got the Holy Spirit... You should get on it... It's a good train.

Charlie Croker:
Napster, Gridlock every route except the one we chose. Force that truck to go exactly where we want it to go.

Handsome Rob:
Where do we want it to go? We can't have a shoot up without guns. We'd lose.

Charlie Croker:
We do it like the Italian job.

Lyle:
[watching his screen] Metro just passed the station. You are clear for ninety seconds. Go! [the three MINIs all turn and drive along the sidewalks, dodging pedestrians]

Charlie Croker:
Come on, Steve. [the three MINIs make a left turn and travel down the stairs into the 7th and Metro station. They dodge commuters inside the mezzanine area]

Lyle:
Thirty seconds and counting. [They turn onto the platform, as a Blue Line train comes into the station] Fifteen seconds, you're blocked in or you're paint on the train.

Left Ear:
Go, go, go, go! [They accelerate past a number of baffled Blue Line passengers inside the train]

Charlie Croker:
Stay right on me. This is gonna be tight. [He jumps his MINI in the tight space between the train and the wall. Stella follows. Left Ear produces some sparks as he makes the jump]

Left Ear:
Go-go-go-go-go-go!

Lyle:
You're gonna stop right... there. [he presses a button and chuckles to himself. The train comes to a stop at the end of the platform, and the overhead lines lose power. The entire train goes dark]

Charlie Croker:
[on the Coast Starlight] Guys, I want to make a toast. To John Bridger. The most brilliant master planner of all. Father and friend.

Stella:
To my Dad.

[last lines]

Charlie Croker:
[voice over narration] I took John Bridger's advice. I found somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with and I'm going to hold onto her forever.

Steve:
Stop them before they hit the street.

Steve:
[as he is being dragged away] Come on, Charlie.

Steve:
You're out of moves. The game is over. Just give up already.

Charlie Croker:
[trailer only] You ready to create the biggest traffic jam in the history of Los Angeles?

Lyle:
I'm so ready.

[watching Stella's high-tech system of safecracking]

Charlie Croker:
You know, your dad was old school. Did the whole thing by touch.

Steve:
Put a leash on your cat.

[Stella gets an early-morning phone call from her father.]

Stella Bridger:
Hello?

John Bridger:
Hello, sweetie.

Stella:
Daddy...[checks the clock] it's early.

John:
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you something.

Stella:
Mmm. Does it smell nice?

John:
No...But it's sparkly.

Stella:
[suddenly wide awake] Does it have a receipt?

John:
[chuckles] I'm sending it to you from the store.

Stella:
Hmm. Why don't you just come by? We'll have some breakfast.

John:
It'd be a long trip. [pause] I'm in Venice.

Stella:
[sits up in bed] With your parole officer's approval, of course?

John:
I like the guy, Stella, you know that. But we never really connected. So I think I've paid my PO his last visit.

Stella:
What are you into, Dad? Don't break my heart. You told me you were through.

John:
After this, I am through. I swear to you.

Left Ear:
So come on, gentlemen, shopping list. Who's doing what? Spare no dirty details.

John:
Come on, guys. Take a lesson from an old man. Don't spend it. Invest.

Left Ear:
In what?

John:
In gold.

Left Ear:
What are you getting, Rob?

Handsome Rob:
Ah, I don't know. There's a lot of things you can get with a lot of money. You know, I'm just thinking about naked girls in leather seats.

Left Ear:
Obviously. See?

Handsome Rob:
Suppose I'll get the Aston-Martin Vanquish. There's not a lot a girl won't do in the passenger seat of one of those things.

Lyle:
I'm gonna get a NAD T-770 digital decoder with a seventy-watt amp and and Burr Brown DAC's.

Left Ear:
[at a loss] Yeah...

Lyle:
It's a big stereo. Speakers so loud, they blow women's clothes off.

Handsome Rob:
Now you're talking!

Left Ear:
Thirty-five million dollars, you can't get more creative than that, man? I'm going to Andalusia. The south of Spain. Right over there. [points] Get me a big house, get me a library full of first editions, get a room for my shoes... What about you, Steve?

Steve Bendel:
I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

Left Ear:
You haven't decided yet? Come on, man. Is it the mountain air? Just —

Steve:
I liked what you said. I'll take one of each of yours.

Left Ear:
[Laughs] Well here's to two of everything for Steve!

[Steve has pulled a gun, and his armed henchmen have surrounded the gang's van.]

Charlie:
What the hell are you doing, Steve?

Steve Bendel:
Made a few plans of my own.

John Bridger:
There's nowhere you can go where we won't find you, Steve. You know that.

Steve:
I think that's probably right, John. [shoots him]

[Mechanic Wrench tries to hit on Stella Bridger during a break in tuning up the Minis]

Wrench:
Hi, we didn't get a chance to meet. [offers hand] Wrench

Stella Bridger:
[gives him a sandwich] Ham and cheese.

Wrench:
Oh, that's cold. Damn, that's cold.

[On a headset cellphone, Lyle calculates the take from the team's robbery.]

Lyle:
Thats about 2.7 million dollars.

Charlie:
What?

Lyle:
No, wait. That's 27...27 million dollars. [A brief pause] YEAH! [everyone in the station is staring at him] I got the... Holy Spirit...you should get on it...it's a good train.

Steve Bendel:
Who the hell are you?

Mashkov:
I am Mashkov. And you killed my cousin Yehven.

Charlie Croker:
Gotta have some insurance, Steve.

Steve:
Look, Yehven was already dead when I got there. I'm sorry about that, but he dealt with some pretty unsavory types. This guy's trying to play you.

Mashkov:
[to Charlie] You were right... No imagination.