The Joe Schmo Show

[Somebody is about to be evicted]

Ralph Garman:
One of you is about to say goodbye to high society, and return to your sad existence of working for the man.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[about Hutch using hot oil on Earl's gross feet during the "Battle of the Sexes" game] To add insult to injury, he pulls out the oil. Like,

[slightly gags]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Dude, to really...

[coughs] Jesus, to really get the juices flowing, that's what you need:
hot oil on jungle rot, okay.

Ralph Garman:
What would you do if your entire world turned out to be fake? If an army of writers, producers and actors spent over a year creating TV's most elaborate experiment around YOU? If they plotted your every move, recorded it 24 hours a day, and put it on National Television? Well, that's EXACTLY what happened to THIS guy. Meet Matt Kennedy Gould: One real guy competing for $100,000 on a reality show that HE doesn't know... is FAKE. Starring nine actors: Melissa Yvonne Lewis as Ashleigh, the Rich B*tch; David Hornsby as Hutch, the A**hole; Angela Dodson as Molly, the Virgin; Franklin Jones as Earl, the Veteran; Nikki Davis as Gina, the Schemer; Lance Krall as Kip, the Gay Guy; Brian Keith Etheridge as Brian, the Buddy; Kristen Wiig as Dr. Pat, the Quack, and me, Ralph Garman as the Smarmy Host. All performing for the one guy who thinks it's real.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
This place is f***in' starting to drive me crazy.

Ralph Garman:
This is "The Joe Schmo Show."

Derek Newcastle:
Austin, you may now present your black balls.

Austin "The Bachelor":
Cammy, can I give you a pearl necklace?

Cammy "The Moron":
I would love a pearl necklace.

Gerald, "The Gotta-be-gay-guy":
[to Austin] I can say quite honestly there is nothing in this world I would rather have than a pearl necklace from you.

Derek Newcastle:
Love, it's why we're all here. But tonight, one of you will be pulled off its sweet teat of acceptance, only to sample the bitter aftertaste of rejection.

[Derek is giving a fake back story of the show before the cast plays a game]

Derek Newcastle:
Well everyone, the original version of Last Chance for Love was actually done in England with myself as host. And we had many popular games we played on that show like, "Tally ho, ho, ho", "Who's in the loo?", and "Carton of Fags". We're now about to play my favorite of all the games, "Bangers and Mash".

[Piper, during a game, has to eat a piece of food out of a sack while blindfolded]

Derek Newcastle:
The sack is right in front of your face. Just put your face in that sack and eat away.

Derek Newcastle:
[Piper laughs, Derek is more direct] Piper, put your face [chuckles] in the sack!

Bryce "The Stalker":
[trying desperately to activate a post-hypnotic suggestion to make Piper love him as he is being evicted] Mockingbird! Mockingbird! Mockingbird!

Cammy "The Moron":
[looking at Bryce intently] I want to bend you over the desk right now.

Cammy "The Moron":
[turns to everyone else] That's T.J.!

Bryce "The Stalker":
[after learning Montecore Killed his frog, Everett] I'll take it up with the Producers... or the Falcon.

T.J. "The Playah":
[to Austin] I can reach places in her you can never touch

Bryce "The Stalker":
[after learning of the death of his pet frog] He wasn't a frog he was a f***ing human being!

Derek Newcastle:
[reading a Falcon Twist with James Bond references] This ought to scare the living daylights out of you. Love is as precious as a diamond. And as we all know, diamonds are forever. But love sometimes is not. Tonight, fate will point its gold finger at two of you, you'll be evicted. That's right, we'll be having a "Pearl Necklace" and "Flame-of-love" eviction ceremony tonight. If Austin and Piper choose to sever their emotional bond with you, the world is not enough to save you. The rest of you will have a chance to die another day.

Ralph Garman:
What would you do if your entire world turned out to be fake? If an army of writers, producers and actors spent over a year creating TV's most elaborate experiment around YOU? If they plotted your every move, recorded it 24 hours a day and put it on National television? Well, that's EXACTLY what happened... to THIS guy. Meet Matt Kennedy Gould: One REAL guy competing for $100,000 on a reality show that HE doesn't know... is FAKE. Starring nine actors: Melissa Yvonne Lewis as Ashleigh -- The Rich B*tch; David Hornsby as Hutch -- The A**hole; Angela Dodson as Molly -- The Virgin; Franklin Jones as Earl -- The Veteran; Nikki Davis as Gina -- The Schemer; Lance Krall as Kip -- The Gay Guy; Brian Keith Etheridge as Brian -- The Buddy; Kristen Wiig as Dr. Pat -- The Quack; And me, Ralph Garman as The Smarmy Host. All playing for the one guy who thinks it's real.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
This place is f***in' startin' to drive me crazy.

Ralph Garman:
This is "The Joe Schmo Show."

Ralph Garman:
Ashes to ashes... dust to dust...

[person's name]

Ralph Garman:
...you're dead to us. [Ralph tosses the person's plate into the fire] Please leave.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[as Hutch needles Kip during the "Hands on a High-Priced Hooker" game] Kip, don't even respond! 'Cause you got the Matt man. You got the Matt man. I'm the sickest dude, baddest dude here.

Steve 'The Hutch' Hutchinson:
I live day-by-day.

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Well, you're gonna get voted out day-by-day.

Brian Keith Etheridge:
[in an interview segment] He's pumped and so then we start getting pumped and then I hear in the most harrowing, scary voice I have ever heard from another human being, he turned to Dr. Pat and goes:

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Better hope it's not Group One. Better hope it's not Group One.

Ashleigh Rivera:
I like to receive attention like other people do. Especially when they get headshots from other people. And don't play the sumo game like some people I know who didn't today because they want to talk to the host all day long. So I guess it's better to receive.

Molly Crabtree:
[alone with Ralph Garman, who is wearing a bee costume, in a room] He gets a "B" plus.

Ralph Garman:
[grinning] "B" plus!

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[outside the room] This place is f'ing starting to drive me crazy.

Ralph Garman:
I'm dying to get out of this costume.

Ralph Garman:
You can pick this dish up on pretty much any street. In fact, in some places they'll fine you if you don't. Enjoy this fetching plate of canine feces.

Ralph Garman:
Ashleigh, on a scale of 1-10, how good a kisser is Molly?

Ashleigh Rivera:
I don't know, Ralph. Why don't you tell us?

Ralph Garman:
Okay. It's time to vote.

Ralph Garman:
[reading from a fake letter] We have reviewed the tapes and have determined that the conduct in question fails to establish prima facie case of assault, nor does it constitute a material breach of contract with appropriate notice and opportunity to cure.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[in an interview segment] I knew as soon as Ralph started reading it, the letter - just because I had spent a brief time at law school. That I knew exactly what it meant.

Ralph Garman:
Basically, what it means is this...

Steve 'The Hutch' Hutchinson:
The Hutch is back in the hou-hou-house! I am back, I am back and I am not leaving!

Ralph Garman:
Someone in this room is not who they say they are. So before we go any further, does anyone have anything they'd like to say?

[long dramatic pause]

Steve 'The Hutch' Hutchinson:
All right. All right, all right, all right, all right. My name's not "The Hutch." My name is... David Hornsby. And I'm an actor. I live in Los Angeles.

Ralph Garman:
Are you kidding me? You have ruined this whole show!

David Hornsby:
Well, don't blame me. Ask HIM.

Carlos 'Kip' Calderas:
Ask me WHAT?

David Hornsby:
What about him?

Carlos 'Kip' Calderas:
Wh... I don't know what you're taking about. Please.

[Kip loses his phony accent]

Lance Krall:
All right, I'm... I'm an actor, too. And, uh... I wasn't honest about it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you know what? It's not just me and him. You know, everyone else here is, you know... Come on, guys, raise your hand if you're an actor as well. Please. I mean, come on. Let's be honest about this.

[everyone except Matt raises their hands]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[stupified] What...

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Matt, every...

[Matt laughs insanely]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
What is going on?! WHAT is GOING ON?!

[William, Molly's Boyfriend and David Decker enter the room and raise their hands, too]

[Matt is watching a video feed of the actors saying how they really feel about him.]

David Hornsby:
Matt Kennedy Gould is a good man. You know, I... I feel like we could be friends. And, uh... I just feel like he's just an earnest guy. Matt, I apologize for any... anything we put you through. You understand. All right?

Melissa Yvonne Lewis:
He's the sweetest thing. I mean, he is the SWEETEST THING. Bless his heart. You know, that's all I... I just look at him and I'm like, Oh, my gosh. We already love you.

Angela Dodson:
I do think that you are probably one of the most amazing guys that I've ever met. And you're very cute, too. Those eyes, I could get totally lost in 'em. All I have to say is if this were a "real" reality show, you'd probably be in trouble.

Kristen Wiig:
Matt, I love you... you're an amazing person. And you've surprised everyone on this project with how big your heart is and what an amazing, genuine person you are. I just wish you the best of luck in the whole world. And I just want you to know that you deserve every great thing that's going to happen to you and to your life.

[Kristen blows kisses.]

Kristen Wiig:
[whispering] I love you.

Ralph Garman:
Matt, I gotta tell you. I threw my best at you. And you never really batted an eye. You took it all in, uh... in good humor. And I was impressed by that. You kept your cool, and I appreciate that. Mostly 'cause you're bigger than me and I wouldn't want you to throw a punch.

Nikki Davis:
Matt said, "I'm not even here for the money, I just kinda wanted to come hang." And we were like, Oh, God. He is just great. He's really sweet. Really, really sweet.

Franklin Jones:
Matt's a... he's a genuine guy. You know what? You're... you're right on the path, man. You're 27. And you've done things other kids haven't done. You completed college, you started law school. And you know, you've achieved. But, uh, he really can't see that in himself, and I'd just like to tell him you know what? You're better than 95% of the youth out there, Matt. You're a good guy.

Lance Krall:
When we did that kiss the ugly frog, um, we each took our... our opportunity to sort of, within character, tell him how much we really liked him. But the words that we were using were OUR words.

[In a highlight from the show, Matt sits in the middle of the jacuzzi with Angela, Brian, David, Franklin, Kristen, Lance and Melissa seated around him. In character, Lance talks to Matt.]

Carlos 'Kip' Calderas:
We're all blown away by who you are, by your personality, by the choices that you're making, you're a great person. Really great person, I mean that. I really mean that. I want you to know that.

[The highlight ends and Brian talks to us.]

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Matt Kennedy Gould is maybe... he's top five of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life. I mean, he's... He's just a great guy. I mean, he's a wonderful, wonderful guy. And I wanna say this to Matt. Matt, you... genuinely, I'm your friend. I would be this guy's friend ANYWHERE.

[With teary eyes, Matt watches the video feed end.]

[Matt is surprised to find out that he's surrounded by actors]

Ralph Garman:
Matt?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Are you freaking kidding?!

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Matt?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Are you an actor?!

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Everything I told you about my life, and my family...

Matt Kennedy Gould:
What?!

Brian Keith Etheridge:
...and me is all true.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Get the f***... it is?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
My name... everything is true. Everything I told you.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Are you an actor, Dude? Are you an actor? Are you an actor?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Everything I told you...

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Hold the phone. Are you an actor? Tell me... Just say it.

Brian Keith Etheridge:
I am.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[ecstatically flabbergasted] What the f***... is going on?! Someone fill me in.

Ralph Garman:
Come here, come here. Come here, come here. There's something we've been meaning to tell you.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
What's that?

Ralph Garman:
The only real thing on this reality show... is you.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[embarassed] Oh, my God! [Lance cheers]

Ralph Garman:
But that's not... that's not completely true, that's not completely true. Because the prizes are also real as well. And in fact, they're all yours. [The actors all cheer and applaud]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[excited] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T! I...

Ralph Garman:
Remember... Matt? Remember the spa vacation you gave to Dr. Pat?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Yes.

Ralph Garman:
That's yours. Remember the trip to Tahiti that you thought you didn't win?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Yes.

Ralph Garman:
That's yours.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[laughing] What?

Ralph Garman:
The flat screen TV? Yours. But finally... and certainly not least... this check... made out to you for $100,000... is yours! [Everyone cheers and applauds as Ralph hands Matt a giant check for $100,000]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[triumphantly] OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Ralph Garman:
Matt, I think we owe you an explanation. Matt, everything... everything you experienced in this house from your housemates, to the game results, to the eviction votes... it was all very carefully planned and brought to life by these amazing ten actors and hundreds of very hardworking people. All for you. It was all for you, buddy. [everyone cheers wildly]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ask me, now that where I won, where I'm gonna go.

All:
Where you gonna go?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
I'M GOING TO PITTSBURGH! [Everyone cheers and applauds] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ralph Garman:
"The Lap of Luxury..."

Matt Kennedy Gould:
This is insane!

Ralph Garman:
"The Lap of Luxury" is the world's most elaborate cover story. What it is, is you're now the star of your own TV show. [Everyone applauds] We searched... We searched far and wide all over America to find the warmest, kindest, most genuine man we could. And that man is going to go from being the nice guy next door to TV's brightest new star. And that guy is Matt Kennedy Gould! [Everyone cheers as confetti falls from above] The truth is... we don't even know our OWN names. [Everyone laughs]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Um... you know, I just have to say while everyone's quiet, like, you know, I was gonna say this anyway when I thought you were all who you said you were. Um... You know, I went... I went to a basketball game... you know, I was having a hard time. [Matt chokes up] And I went to a game, you know, in a bad neighborhood at home. And, you know, I just... I walked in there, and there was the casting director, you know, saying, "You wanna be on a reality TV show?" You know? And, like, of course, you all know me. I don't know you, but you know me. I'm a ham. So of course, you know, I got on the camera that day and I messed around and just have fun. And then the whirlwind began. And, um... you know, what it is... what the most amazing thing about it all is is that there's... [Matt weeps] ...there's people out there... you know, people who saw things in me that sometimes I can't in myself, you know?

Ralph Garman:
We all saw it. We all saw it, Matt. We all saw it. You're a hell of a guy. We love you, man. We love you. [Kristen hugs Matt]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[weeping] It's just so amazing, man. It's just so amazing. And I feel bad if I did anything to hurt anyone...

All:
No!

Matt Kennedy Gould:
I couldn't f***in' believe The Hutch won, man. [Everyone laughs] I couldn't. I tried... I tried to be gracious about it. But I thought, this a**hole, after everything, he won? Are you kidding me? I'm cool as Hell.

[Matt is surprised to find out that he's surrounded by actors]

Ralph Garman:
Matt?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Are you freaking kidding?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Matt?

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Are you an actor?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Everything I told you about my life, and my family...

Matt Kennedy Gould:
What?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
...and me is all true.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Get the f***... it is?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
My name... everything is true. Everything I told you.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Are you an actor, Dude? Are you an actor? Are you an actor?

Brian Keith Etheridge:
Everything I told you...

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Hold the phone. Are you an actor? Tell me... Just say it.

Brian Keith Etheridge:
I am.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[ecstatically flabbergasted] What the f***... is going on? Someone fill me in.

Matt Kennedy Gould:
Um... you know, I just have to say while everyone's quiet, like, you know, I was gonna say this anyway when I thought you were all who you said you were. Um... You know, I went... I went to a basketball game... you know, I was having a hard time. [Matt chokes up] And I went to a game, you know, in a bad neighborhood at home. And, you know, I just... I walked in there, and there was the casting director, you know, saying, "You wanna be on a reality TV show?" You know? And, like, of course, you all know me. I don't know you, but you know me. I'm a ham. So of course, you know, I got on the camera that day and I messed around and just have fun. And then the whirlwind began. And, um... you know, what it is... what the most amazing thing about it all is is that there's... [Matt weeps]... there's people out there... you know, people who saw things in me that sometimes I can't in myself, you know?

Ralph Garman:
We all saw it. We all saw it, Matt. We all saw it. You're a hell of a guy. We love you, man. We love you. [Kristen hugs Matt]

Matt Kennedy Gould:
[weeping] It's just so amazing, man. It's just so amazing. And I feel bad if I did anything to hurt anyone...

All:
No!

Matt Kennedy Gould:
I couldn't f***in' believe The Hutch won, man. [Everyone laughs] I couldn't. I tried... I tried to be gracious about it. But I thought, this a**hole, after everything, he won? Are you kidding me? I'm cool as Hell.

[last lines]

Ralph Garman:
And the next time you're watching a reality show, or competing on a reality show, or simply the next time something weird happens in your life, ask yourself this question: Is it real, or is it "The Joe Schmo Show"? Thanks for watching. You're dead to us. Please leave.

Eleanor 'The Weeper':
[to Austin, in recap footage from the previous episode] You can take your pearl necklace and your half-hearted locket and shove it up your ***.

Derek Newcastle 'The Pompous Host':
[voiceover] Did he? Find out now on "Joe Schmo 2."

Cammy 'The Moron':
All right, let's see Amanda's - - Amanda does a really good impression of Derek.

Herself - Jane Schmo:
[imitating Derek Newcastle] Your lives are going to be over after this evening if you're sent from this house. You can pretty much guarantee that you will have no point in living anymore. Let's get on with the ceremony. Cheers everyone. Smiles.

Bryce 'The Stalker':
[regarding Everett the frog] You killed him by giving him a donut?

Cammy 'The Moron':
It was a maple bar. I love maple bars.

T.J. 'The Playah':
No, birds eat frogs. I don't care.

Bryce 'The Stalker':
No, I care! Because it was not a frog, it was a human ****ing being! It was my pet! You killed it!

Bryce "The Stalker":
[in footage, supposedly trying to use a word to activate a hypnotic command] Mockingbird.

Himself - Joe Schmo:
[to T.J] And he's like "mockingbird," like she's gonna be like "Ahh, whoosh, I pick Bryce." Like that is completely insane to me.

Derek Newcastle "The Pompous Host":
Love. That's why we're all here tonight. But some of you may be forced out of line at love's all-you-can-eat smorgasboard, only to feast on rejection's cold canned beanie weenies. Welcome to the "Last Chance for Love" promise ceremony.

[last lines]

Herself - Jane Schmo:
I thought I was on, like, "The Truman Show."

Rhett Reese:
Pull him - can we pull Tim out of there?

Ralph Garman:
[Refering to the stun guns distributed to the contestants] This is a stun gun, electroshock weaponry. Guys, treat it like you would a second dick. Girls, treat it like you would if you had a dick.

Himself - Joe Schmo:
[in an interview segment] My strategy is basically being myself. Uh, I don't think I would try to sabotage anyone else by talking bad about 'em. [at dinner with "Piper"] Uh, Bryce, honestly after this I probably will have zero contact with and - unless he comes to the opening of my bar.