The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

[repeated line]

[whenever Dobie exasperates him]

Herbert T. Gillis:
I gotta kill that boy. I just gotta...

Herbert T. Gillis:
So you told him I was cheap, huh?

Winifred 'Winnie' Gillis:
He'd have found it out sooner or later.

[repeated line]

Herbert T. Gillis:
I was in W-W-II - the big one - first sergeant, WITH the good conduct medal!

[repeated line]

[whenever anyone mentions work]

Maynard G. Krebs:
WORK?

Dobie Gillis:
Good stuff, Maynard!

[repeated line]

Maynard G. Krebs:
You rang?

[repeated line]

Clarice Osborne:
Chatsworth, you are a nasty, nasty boy!

[repeated line]

[whenever someone mispronounces his name as "Dopey"]

Dobie Gillis:
That's "Dobie" with a "B"!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Man, Dobe, you sure are getting forgetful. You left your lunch right on the table. Your mom sent me over with it.

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, thanks a lot, Maynard. I'm awful hungry.

Maynard G. Krebs:
I'm not.

Dobie Gillis:
[Puzzled] You're not hungry? How come?

Maynard G. Krebs:
I just ate your lunch.

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard!

Dobie Gillis:
This college is going to get the cream of my musical taste.

Maynard G. Krebs:
We're in trouble, Dobe.

Dobie Gillis:
What do you mean?

Maynard G. Krebs:
No, offense, Dobe, but the cream of your musical taste is Chubby Checker sings the best of Noel Coward.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
[to Dobie and Maynard at school] Well, you saw it, boys: Paul with those dropouts.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Dropouts? How come they call 'em dropouts?

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Because they dropped out of school before they graduated.

Maynard G. Krebs:
What do they do now?

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Nothing - just loaf.

Maynard G. Krebs:
[excited at the prospect of loafing all day] Yeah? How old do you have to be to be a dropout?

[opening monologue]

Dobie Gillis:
Just a few days ago I was an unworried civilian. Today I'm still a civilian, but I worry a good deal. And all because of this letter. And it started off so friendly, too. "Greetings: Your enlistment in the United States Army has been processed, and...". From that point on it gets to painful to read.

Zelda Gilroy:
Dobie, get that baby out of here. You've got to.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Good thinking.

Zelda Gilroy:
Maybe, we could sneak her out the window.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Good thinking.

Dobie Gillis:
And then we could take it over to Maynard's house.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Bad thinking.

Dobie Gillis:
Why not?

Maynard G. Krebs:
I don't exactly understand it, Dobe, but ever since I was born, my father ain't too crazy about babies.

Herbert T. Gillis:
[giving advice to Dr. Burkhart] No offense, Doc, but I mean walk like a panther woman or something, not that grape-crusher's polka you go clomping around with.

Herbert T. Gillis:
[picking up a dress and demonstrating a sexy walk] Like this, Doc. Like you got a crop of hay on one hip and a crop of alfalfa on the other and when you start moving you start rotatin' the crops!

Dobie Gillis:
[singing at his campaign rally, to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"] # So if you like singing / And yodelling too / Then vote for ol' Dobie / A square buckaroo! #

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
[Exasperated, closing classroom windows to quiet the folksinging drifting in from outside] You'll forgive the interruption, my young scholars, and I use the term with my usual devil-may-care abandon, but despite appearances to the contrary, this is still a class in political science, not a jam session featuring the Kingston Trio.

Maynard G. Krebs:
[Suddenly roused from his slumber and jumping from his seat] Like where? Like where? Like where, where, where?

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Mr. Krebs...

Maynard G. Krebs:
Ooh, ooh, my people have landed! Some cat said so; I heard him!

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
I'm the cat who mentioned them, Mr. Krebs.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Oh, like thank you, your cap and gownship, sir. I mean, sir, you're like a real human being.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Mr. Krebs...

Maynard G. Krebs:
And that ain't easy, considering you're a teacher.

Dobie Gillis:
Mr. Pomfritt, no offense, but what's wrong with folks singing folk songs?

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
There's nothing wrong with it, Mr. Gillis, provided the right folks are doing the singing. These tunes were created by honest working people who sang them to make their work go easier. There's a vast difference between that and some crew-cut baritone wearing a pair of custom-made blue jeans and a hand-tailored neckerchief singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad." That's the way I feel about it and you can call me an old fogey.

Maynard G. Krebs:
You're an old fogey.

Herbert T. Gillis:
[angrily about Dobie] Wait until I get my hands on him.

Winifred Gillis:
Don't you dare touch him. He's my son too.

Herbert T. Gillis:
I'll only kill my half.

Dobie Gillis:
Dad, I want to go on a dig during my summer vacation.

Herbert T. Gillis:
A what?

Dobie Gillis:
A dig.

Winifred Gillis:
A dig?

Herbert T. Gillis:
A dig?

Maynard G. Krebs:
[enters room] Dig? I hear my people talkin'!

Herbert T. Gillis:
Doctor, just what kind of a doctor are you? A surgeon; eye, ear, nose and throat, what?

Dr. Imogene Burkhart:
Oh, I'm a Ph.D. That's a doctor in philosophy.

Herbert T. Gillis:
Oh, yeah, the kind of doctor who don't do anybody no good.

Charlene:
What's with him?

Joanne:
He says he's a protest cat.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah, that's right! I'm protestin', cats all over the world are protestin', My whole social group is, like, protestin'! We're angry young men, and we're all protestin'!

Charlene:
And what is it that you angry young men are so angry about?

Maynard G. Krebs:
I dunno... and that's why I'm such an angry young man!

[discussing Maynard's fear of the opposite sex]

Dobie Gillis:
He's a fine, sensitive human being, but when he gets near a girl, he's afraid of his own shadow.

Herbert T. Gillis:
No offense, son, but you can't blame him. After all, it's a pretty scary shadow.

Dobie Gillis:
What I need now is somebody extra-wise, super-intelligent, a kind of combination of Einstein and Plato and Baruch and Shakespeare...

Maynard G. Krebs:
[enters scene] You rang?

Herbert T. Gillis:
No offense, Maynard, but if he rang, never was there such a wrong number.

Maynard G. Krebs:
[Brainstorming ways to get money] Hey, Dobe, what if I wrote to the president and asked him for a government loan?

Dobie Gillis:
The president in Washington?

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah! I'd say, Dear Mr. Truman...

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, Maynard, his name is Kennedy now.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Truman's name is Kennedy?

Dobie Gillis:
There's some people in this town who say that my friend Maynard G. Krebs is peculiar, odd, eccentric, weird, strange. I'm one of those people. But there's a difference. You see, I love Maynard, and I never laugh at him. I cry at him, pretty often, but laugh - no.

Dobie Gillis:
[in a dream sequence Dobie sees Maynard and himself as little boys on Christmas] Yeah, I remember that Christmas past. We were about four years old. Maynard had just flunked out of nursery school - for the third time.

Dobie Gillis:
What makes you so sure I want to come to your party?

Chatsworth Osborne Jr.:
Oh, you'll be there, Gillis baby. Just wait till I bewitch you with a list of entertainers.

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, sure, sure. I bet you're gonna have Peggy Lee, Tommy Sands, Dinah Shore and Frank Sinatra sing in a quartet, with background music by Thelonius Monk and the Kingston Trio.

Chatsworth Osborne Jr.:
They're for the intermission show.

Hawley:
Helping these kids is very important to us. I want to stop every one of them from growing up to be a crummy, shaggy, no-good bum.

Maynard G. Krebs:
[enters room] You rang?

Dobie Gillis:
[Dobie bemoans his situation, suffering through science class, turns to his table mate] And as for you, you don't make things any easier, you know? A whole month I've been sitting here next to you and I haven't heard one word out of you, not one single word, not even "hello." You just sit there doing everything right and giving me a big freeze. For Pete's sake, speak to me. Say something! Say anything!

Zelda Gilroy:
I love you.

Dobie Gillis:
[Stunned] I beg your pardon?

Zelda Gilroy:
That's right. I love you.

Dobie Gillis:
Zelda, I am, of course, flattered...

Zelda Gilroy:
Now, don't get a swelled head. You're nothing so special. You're dumb as a post, you're pigeon-toed and you'll be bald before you're 30.

Dobie Gillis:
Is that so? Well, I don't want to be unkind, but you're not exactly a traffic-stopper yourself.

Zelda Gilroy:
Yeah, we're a couple of dogs all right. But still, we're not too repulsive. Anyway, what's the difference? We're victims of propinquity.

Dobie Gillis:
What's that?

Zelda Gilroy:
Propinquity: nearness, closeness. Sigafoos and Wembling of Harvard, in a study of 2,900 married couples, proved that in 87% of the cases the couples first fell in love because of propinquity. You put a boy and a girl close to each other for long enough and it's bound to happen. It's a scientific fact.

Dobie Gillis:
No offense, Zelda, but I don't love you.

Zelda Gilroy:
You will. You're Gillis and I'm Gilroy. Don't forget they seat students alphabetically in science classes. You'll be sitting next to me all year long, and next year, too. And then when we go on to to medical school: eight more years of propinquity. Don't fight it, Dobie. You can't beat science.

Dobie Gillis:
I can try, Zelda. I can try.

Zelda Gilroy:
Fool. [goes back to lab work]

Herbert T. Gillis:
Son, is this the book you were looking for?

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, yeah. Thanks, Dad. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Herbert T. Gillis:
Yeah, neither do I, but just thinking about it has made my whole day.

Dobie Gillis:
[Dobie catches Virgil on his way out] Hey, Virgil, when you had Grace up on that stage with you, did you have time to talk to her about, uh, you know.

Virgil T. Gillis:
Didn't I mention that, cousin Dobie? Didn't I mention that? [Opens door to street, revealing Grace sitting astride his motorcycle] Meet the hotsy-totsy new sensation: Gillis and Grimsby, the Larynx and the Legs! Have lightning, will travel!

Dobie Gillis:
[Outraged] Now just a minute! Just a darn minute!

Virgil T. Gillis:
Ta-ta, cousin! My public awaits!

Winifred Gillis:
What would you do, if you didn't go to school?

Yvette LeBlanc:
One thinks, one evolves the philosophy, and then one writes.

Winifred Gillis:
Really? You write? How marvelous!

Aristede LeBlanc:
She's had three poems published in "The Despair Quarterly."

Yvette LeBlanc:
My second triumph of a novel is to appear next month. It is entitled, "Love Is A Broken Gas Main."

Sabrina Armitage:
Ah, you speak French!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah, I took it in school last year.

Sabrina Armitage:
Didn't you just adore it?

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah! I flunked! The passing grade was 70, I got a 43, and the teacher wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt!

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard...

Maynard G. Krebs:
I mean, a measly nine-point difference and he flunks me!

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard! You also flunked math!

Sabrina Armitage:
It'll be a rather formal party, so naturally we're dressing!

Maynard G. Krebs:
"Naturally?" There's, like, laws in this town!

Maynard G. Krebs:
You gotta save me, good buddy! I mean, when I meet a chick face-to-face, I get cold feet clear up to my skull!

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard, you'll have to get used to girls sooner or later!

Maynard G. Krebs:
How's about later, when I'm, like, too old to care?

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard. Girls aren't gonna hurt you!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Oh, no? They let you spend money on 'em, they take away all the seats on the bus, and they giggle about you in the girls' locker room! Ohhhh, no; I'm steering clear of foreign entanglements!

[Venice enters]

Venice West:
Sabrina-chick! I've been burrowing through all the record stores, and they are square, girl! Just square! Strictly Nowheresville!

Maynard G. Krebs:
"Nowheresville?"

Venice West:
Like, way out in Stick City, man! WAY out!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Ooh, I hear my people calling!

[Venice and Maynard walk over to each other]

Venice West:
You in-in, Daddy-O?

Maynard G. Krebs:
The innest, girl!

Venice West:
Who ya dig on the horn?

Maynard G. Krebs:
Dizzy Gillespie, who else?

Venice West:
On the 88's?

Maynard G. Krebs:
Thelonious Monk, natch!

Venice West:
Like, cool!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like, cool!

Venice West:
Like, hi!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like, hi!

[They embrace and sit at the park bench together]

Dobie Gillis:
Like, that's the strangest mating call I've ever heard!

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard, you were supposed to meet me before class so we could do your history homework.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like flake off, square.

Dobie Gillis:
Now - [suddenly puzzled] "flake off, square"?

Maynard G. Krebs:
You heard me, cube. You're like too oblong for me.

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard, what kind of a crazy stunt is this? C'mon, let's get that work done.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Aw, your mother listens to Lawrence Welk records.

Dobie Gillis:
You do plenty of things for me.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Name one.

Dobie Gillis:
One? I'll name a bunch! You tell me when my shoelaces are untied. You come over and wake me up at six o'clock every Saturday and Sunday morning just to remind me there's no school. You... you... uh... did I mention the shoelaces?

Amelia:
[Dobie and Amelia are sitting on a bench flirting when suddenly Amelia is distracted] Dobie, do you smell something strange?

Dobie Gillis:
Yeah, like somebody set fire to an old innertube.

Amelia:
[jumping to her feet, looking enraptured] Oh, no. It's the call of the wild. Glorioski, it makes me feel tingly all over. Rrrruff!

Dobie Gillis:
[Dobie stands and swaggers over to her] Yes, I often have that effect on girls. It's a dangerous power, but some of us must live with it.

Amelia:
[ignoring Dobie, glancing about her] It's coming closer. It's so wild, savage and primitive!

Maynard G. Krebs:
[enters scene] You growled?

Gina Lololasagna:
Kiss me, my beautiful antipasto!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Will you give me a nickel?

Gina Lololasagna:
A nickel? I give you my Oscar, my Emmy!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Miami? Oh, I'd rather have Cleveland. That's a town in Indiana.

Herbert T. Gillis:
[giving fatherly advice to Dobie] Once you bargain with the devil, you are in trouble. Oh, you can twist, and you can squirm, but you can't get off the hook.

Zelda Gilroy:
[Addressing Dobie] I love you in a classroom, I love you anywhere. I love you indoors, outdoors, upstairs, downstairs, backwards, forwards, I love ya!

Maynard G. Krebs:
How come?

Zelda Gilroy:
How come what?

Maynard G. Krebs:
How come you love him? He don't love you.

Zelda Gilroy:
He will. I'll get him yet.

Maynard G. Krebs:
So what do you have when you have him? I mean, he's kind of puny, he ain't too bright, and he'll be bald before he's thirty.

Dobie Gillis:
Thanks a lot.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like you're welcome.

Zelda Gilroy:
Don't you understand, Maynard? That's exactly why I love him. He's weak and bewildered and helpless. He needs me to guide his faltering feet.

Dobie Gillis:
Zelda, please, won't you get off my back?

Zelda Gilroy:
Never, poopsie.

Milton Armitage:
[after Thalia rejects Dobie's offer of a date to the movies, Milton enters and turns on the charm] Tell me, my dear, what are you doing tonight?

Thalia Menninger:
Not a thing. What did you have in mind?

Milton Armitage:
The drive-in movie. They're playing rather an amusing little pastiche there tonight called "The Monster Who Devoured Cleveland."

Thalia Menninger:
Oooh, I'm dying to see it!

Milton Armitage:
Let's say, sevenish?

Thalia Menninger:
Anyish you like.

Narrator:
[when Dobie enters Charlie Wong's Ice Cream Parlor a Frankie Laine-style singer is heard] Top Fist! fierce as a lion / Top Fist! quick as a snake ' He'll break your jaw without tryin' / He'll make you suffer and ache / He's rough and he's tough, but he's tender / He never hits children or girls / Or women of the opposite gender / Or kittens or puppies or squirrels...

Dobie Gillis:
[sitting before The Thinker, addressing the viewer] My name's Dobie Gillis. I'm happy. I'm happy because I've just fallen in love - an hour ago. This is the happiest part of a love affair - just after falling in love and just before the problem of money comes up.

Prof. Mullican:
Are you familiar with the Greeks?

Dobie Gillis:
Well, there's a Greek boy in school.

Prof. Mullican:
I was referring to the Ancient Greeks.

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, well, I don't know his parents.

Herbert T. Gillis:
[addressing Prof. Millican] You're interested in heredity, huh? Well, let me tell you something about heredity. Did you ever hear of "backwards heredity"? Well, heredity backs up some times, and that's what happened to me. I got me a cuckoo son, and heredity backed up on me, and now I'm cuckoo.

Dobie Gillis:
Aphrodite makes me feel weak and stupid. And the reason she makes me feel weak and stupid is because of two of my biggest faults: I'm weak and I'm stupid.

Maribel:
[Rejecting Dobie's plea for a date] If I dated you, an Out, when I could date a Silver Spooner, an In, my social life would turn into one big, dull, dreary disaster!

Maynard G. Krebs:
You rang?

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, hi, Maynard.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like hi, good buddy. Like hi, girl - hey, what happened to your head?

Maribel:
For your information, "Dapper Dan," this is a pony tail.

Maribel:
Yeah? I bet it looks almost as good as it did on the pony.

Tyler Cruickshank:
We welcome you, Gillis, as a fellow gentleman, connoisseur and bon vivant.

Dobie Gillis:
Me? Oh, come now.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Him? Oh, come now.

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard! You're supposed to be on my side.

Thalia Menninger:
[Thalia introduces Chatsworth to the Gillises] This is Chatsworth Osborne, Jr.; Mr. and Mrs. Gillis.

Winifred Gillis:
How do you do?

Herbert T. Gillis:
Hi.

Chatsworth Osborne, Jr.:
Charmed.

[Glancing around the Gillis' humble home]

Chatsworth Osborne, Jr.:
You, uh, live here?

Herbert T. Gillis:
Yeah. What's the matter with it?

Chatsworth Osborne, Jr.:
Oh, nothing, nothing. It's very amusing.

Herbert T. Gillis:
Yeah, we have a lot of fun just sitting around laughing at it.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
And now, can anyone in this class give me a concise definition of marriage? How about you, Mr. Krebs? I would like a definition that is well-reasoned and thoughtful and I withdraw the question.

Maynard G. Krebs:
That ain't kind, your diplomaship. You're all the time saying I don't know the answer without giving me a chance.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
You're absolutely right, Mr. Krebs. Forgive me.

Maynard G. Krebs:
You're like forgiven.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Like thank you.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like you're welcome.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Can you answer the question?

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like no.

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Like that's what I figured! And now to return from this voyage to a lost continent...

Dobie Gillis:
What's your name?

Felicia Gray:
Felicia.

Dobie Gillis:
Oh, Felicia! There's integrity there.

Felicia Gray:
Oh, it's really Thelma, but I changed it.

[first lines]

Lt. Merriwether:
Private Gillis! Private Krebs! At ease. Gentlemen, today is a proud day in the history of the United States Army. A glorious day, a day that will rank with Yorktown, with San Juan Hill, with V-E Day, with V-J Day. Gentlemen, speaking for the United States Army, indeed, for all America, I take excruciating pleasure in handing you your discharge.

Winnie Gillis:
[sternly addressing Maynard] We went home and had a little talk about you.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah? What about me?

Mr. Leander Pomfritt:
Well, numerous suggestions were put forward, Mr. Krebs; unfortunately, none of them legal.

Herbert T. Gillis:
Yeah, tar and feathers are hard to get now.

Maynard G. Krebs:
[suspiciously eying the Amazon natives] Dobe, I tell you those Indians are phonies! I ain't never seen one of 'em chasing John Wayne.

Clydene Quigley:
[attempting to calm the frightened Dobie and Maynard, who are surrounded by Amazon natives] The natives aren't here to hurt us. They're just here to look us over.

Maynard G. Krebs:
That's just what General Custer said.

Dr. Imogene Burkhart:
Mr. Gillis, have you seen Mr. Krebs today?

Dobie Gillis:
No, but he must be around someplace. He does a lot of wandering; it goes with his mind.

Dobie Gillis:
Dr. Burkhart had no reason to worry about Maynard - he always shows up. That's what his family's been complaining about.

Herbert T. Gillis:
On account of Chatsworth, we are going to be rich. I got a plan all figured out.

Winifred Gillis:
Is it legal?

Herbert T. Gillis:
Absolutely legal, but let's try it, anyway.

Clarice Osborne:
Chatsworth may be a worthless, whining, sniveling, whimpering nincompoop, but he's *my* worthless, whining, whimpering nincompoop.

Tremblay:
You left out sniveling, Madame.

Chatsworth Osborne Jr.:
How could we possibly lose $30 million overnight?

Mrs. Chatsworth Osborne Sr.:
American know-how!

Trembley:
Beg pardon, Madam, but there's a long line of creditors at the door.

Mrs. Chatsworth Osborne Sr.:
Well, don't just stand there, Trembley, turn the hose on the rascals!

Roadblock Jahurski:
Gillis, I warned you not to see my ladyfriend Lottie Lee on penalty of instant mayhem.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Golly, Mr. Roadhouse, that must have slipped Dobie's mind because him and Lottie Lee have been out day and night.

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard!

Maynard G. Krebs:
[while impersonating Dobie in the football huddle] "Homerun Gillis is ready to sink that basket!"

Dobie Gillis:
[Dobie pleading with Thalia] Wait a minute! There's one more item: my GI insurance - $10,000 - and you are the beneficiary.

Thalia Menninger:
Well, what good is that?

Dobie Gillis:
$10,000 means nothing to you?

Thalia Menninger:
But you're alive. This policy isn't worth a penny unless you're dead, [a devious smile comes upon her face] which kind of gives me an idea.

Dobie Gillis:
[Studying history] And now, the six wives of Henry VIII...

Maynard G. Krebs:
Hey, ain't he the cat who looks like Captain Bligh?

Zelda Gilroy:
Maynard, clam up!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah! And Captain Bligh - he looks like Charles Laughton! Hey, Zelda, you're 100% brain - you know everything - so how come all the history characters look like Charles Laughton?

Zelda Gilroy:
Maynard!

Maynard G. Krebs:
Abraham Lincoln is the spitting image of Raymond Massey. And Bela Lugosi - he's a dead ringer for Dracula.

Dobie Gillis:
Maynard, come on now!

Maynard G. Krebs:
And Charlton Heston - he looks like practically everybody!

Zelda Gilroy:
[Shaking her fist] Maynard, I'll clobber you!

Maynard G. Krebs:
And Fulton Ziggafoos! [Maynard lays down on the table and puts his hat over his face]

Dobie Gillis:
[Puzzled] Fulton Ziggafoos?

Maynard G. Krebs:
Yeah, he looks like my Aunt Harriet.

Zelda Gilroy:
[Exasperated] Dobie, we must press on, despite this dragging anchor.

Maynard G. Krebs:
Like you're welcome.