The Monkees Quotes

Mike:
Welcome to Swineville, Peter, a happy, sleepy, little hillbilly town where seemingly innocent, nice, naive people turn just like that [snaps fingers] to a vengeful, hateful mob!

Peter:
How do you know that?

Mike:
Because these are my people.

[Entering a spooky mansion]

Mike:
Well, uh, it's a little gloomy, but we could probably work wonders with just a few geraniums.

Micky:
Uh-huh. YOU decorate. I'M leaving!

Davy:
What's in the morning paper, Peter?

Peter:
Oh, "Li'l Abner," "Peanuts"... Oh, say, this is funny! [laughs] This big guy hits the little guy with a club, and the little guy hits the big guy in the jaw!

[laughs some more]

Davy:
What comic strip is that?

Peter:
What, comic strip? This is the editorial page.

Peter:
Cross at the green, not in between!

Davy:
He's been out in the sun too long.

Micky:
He was no bargain in the shade.

Peter:
Hey, look, guys! All the comforts of home!

Mike:
Yeah, YOUR home, shotgun, not MINE.

Peter:
Oh no, foot prints! Someone else is on this island!

Micky:
Oh don't worry, those are ours, we don't have a larger set so we had to use the same one twice.

Mike:
Ooh! So, uh... That's, uh... That's what [bleeped] is all about.

Davy:
Yeah. [bleeped] It's pretty scary.

Micky:
You know what's even more scary?

Peter:
What?

Micky:
You can't say [bleeped] on television.

Peter:
[as the rigged blimp carrying the muscle man floats away] Well, there he goes.

Davy:
Yeah, where's that uh der-uh... der-uh blimp headed for?

Peter:
[almost comically] Bayonne, New Jersey.

Davy:
Bayon-Bayonne, New Jer-? You know, I used to have a girlfriend in Bayonne, New Jersey.

Peter:
Anything like the Secaucus girls?

Davy:
[nonchalantly] No, I don't know, her name was MaryAnn.

Micky:
I can't stand to see a grown bush cry.

Mrs. Weatherspoon:
Don't be disrespectful to those who have passed beyond!

Micky:
It's not The Passing Beyond that bothers us so much; it's The Coming Back!

Davy:
Hey, I didn't know you could read.

Peter:
I have been able to read since I was fifteen years old.

Davy:
We'll even witness things that never even 'appened.

Mike:
You tell 'em, tiny!

Micky:
[referring to the enormous Boris] A fine figure of a man, isn't he?

Mike:
He is. What have you - you got a sister?

Davy:
Yeah, we could all three of us take her out her at the same time.

Micky:
[fake sounding laugh] Ha ha ha ha ha.

Peter:
Gee, are you sure it's right to force all this tea on me?

Mrs. Weatherspoon:
Whenever you have a cold you must always force fluids.

Peter:
Gee, I had a cousin who had a terrible cold, and they forced about twelve gallons of the stuff on him.

Mrs. Weatherspoon:
Ooh, and what happened?

Peter:
Well, the cold got better, but he drowned.

Henry Weatherspoon:
You see, I am a scientist, and in order to bring people back from the dead, I have invented a magnificent pill.

Mike:
Oh, come on, you invented aspirin?

Henry Weatherspoon:
Ah! That's only a disguise.

Micky:
Aspirin in disguise? I don't believe it.

Mike:
Well I do, and I also get it. See, he gives us the pill, and we believe that Elmer came back from the dead. We also see pretty colors...

Micky:
Right!

Mike:
...and things climbing up the wall, well, I bet ya it does a lot of things.

Henry Weatherspoon:
I told you, I am a scientist!

Mike:
[small voice] Yeah, I know you did.

Micky:
Mad scientist?

Henry Weatherspoon:
No, but I will be if he keeps making those remarks.

Peter:
I never thought I could get sick from good health.

Henry Weatherspoon:
Is everything prepared in the basement, Boris?

Boris Weatherspoon:
Hmmm.

Henry Weatherspoon:
Don't beat around the bush. Yes or no?

Boris Weatherspoon:
Hmmm.

Henry Weatherspoon:
Good. Why didn't you say so the first time?

Mrs. Weatherspoon:
[a trumpet blows from beyond the grave] It's Elmer! It's Elmer! Oooh.

Mike:
How do you know it's Elmer?

Mrs. Weatherspoon:
He's playing our song!

Micky:
Now, that's a trip!

[In a showdown with El Diablo]

El Diablo:
So, gringo, you have decide to show up.

Micky:
Yep. I showed up for the showdown.

Micky:
I wish I didn't have to be here, El Diablo. I hate killin'! I hate harmin' any livin' creature!

El Diablo:
Then how come you got 43 notches in your gun?

Micky:
I make exceptions.

El Diablo:
You don't stand a chance, gringo. I have killed many hombres at high noon!

Micky:
Why d'ya always pick high noon for your dates?

El Diablo:
I'm working on a tan.

Mike:
Look, man! You've been challenged! What are you gonna do?

Micky:
What am I gonna do? Micky Dolenz in a challenge? What do you think I'll do?

Mike:
You're gonna split!

Micky:
Right!

Tony:
It's no good, Babyface, you're a has-been.

Micky:
No, Tony, I WAS a has-been. Now I'm an AM-IS!

Micky:
Here's the key. Put it in a safe place.

[Ruby drops the key down her cleavage]

Micky:
I said a SAFE place, Ruby.

Mike:
Micky, you gotta go in there and report this. Look, what are you gonna do, promote violence in the street?

Micky:
He didn't mean any harm, what violence? He's just a typical psychopatic killer.

Captain:
You mean... you're not Babyface?

Micky:
Baby? Well, my mother used to call me goo-goo eyes.

Babyface Morales:
Eh, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Hey wait, I know, you look like me. Sneaky and vicious.

Micky:
I'm eh, you're cousin Micky from Sandusky, Ohio.

Captain:
Now this is Tony Ferano, alias Big Tony, alias Tony The Rock, alias Tony The Slasher, alias Kissing Clyde.

Micky:
Kissing Clyde?

Captain:
In Detroid, he commited extortion, illegal entry and headed up the numbers racket there. Then he quit the police department and joined up with Babyface.

Captain:
Now, this, is Muggsy Ruckyzer alias Muggsy Ruck, Muggsy Reynolds, Muggsy Raymond and Sherry Fingerhead.

Micky:
Sherry Fingerhead?

Captain:
In Detroit, he was tried on charges of arson, assault with a deadly weapon and second degree murder.

Micky:
Pfew! Whas he ever convicted?

Captain:
[nods] Contempt of court.

Vince:
When did ya get out, Babyface?

Micky:
[posing as Babyface] I busted out yesterday. It was a clean break.

Tony:
Didn't you spot you with their search lights?

Micky:
[posing as Babyface] Nah, I fixed it so their search lights was useless.

Vince:
How did you do that?

Micky:
[posing as Babyface] Busted out in the daytime.

Vince:
Hey, that was sure brilliant hiding the loot in the same room we stole it from, huh? They'd never think of looking for it here, Huh?

Captain:
Well, boys, ya did a great job. You recovered all the loot for what was probably the greatest jewel robbery in history.

Micky:
Gosherooney!

Captain:
And it's my pleasure to give you a share of the jewels as your reward.

Peter:
Wow!

Mike:
I always wanted a necklace, man, look at that.

Micky:
What am I gonna do with an earring?

[Davy accidentally knocks over a statue in a museum]

Mike:
That thing was over a thousand years old!

Peter:
Oh, well, thank goodness it wasn't new.

Duce:
Did you draw this picture?

Peter:
Yes I did.

Duce:
You're a very talented boy.

Peter:
Thank you. I play bass, too.

Duce:
An artist and a musician!

Chuche:
We should kill 'em both!

Duce:
[Peter has painted a copy of The Laughing Cavalier, but has included Mike's wool hat] What's with the hat? The hat's not needed.

Peter:
It's Mike's hat. It's knitted.

Duce:
I know it's knitted, but it's not needed.

Peter:
How did you know it was knitted?

Duce:
I can tell it's knitted, but it's not needed.

Peter:
Oh, for a minute I thought you knew Mike.

Mike:
What are we doing eating breakfast with Mr. Schneider?

Davy:
Well, Peter's not here, and we got lonely.

Mike:
Peter's not - You mean he's not back from the museum yet?

Micky:
Maybe he's in trouble.

Davy:
Heh! How much trouble can you get into in a museum?

Micky:
He's in trouble.

Davy:
He's in trouble.

Micky:
Excuse me, but I want to...

Artist:
To be an artist? Heh! You could never be an artist. You have no beard.

Duce:
Peter, what's the most important thing for an artist?

Peter:
Paint.

Chuche:
He's got a point.

Peter:
Paint.

Duce:
Shut up!

Duce:
The most important thing for an artist is to suffer.

Chuche:
[Chuche starts to tie up Peter in his chair] Hey, I'm suffering already.

Mike:
Okay men, Mission: Ridiculous.

Mike:
[narrating] Gathering our team of experts from the four corners of the earth, we'll be a taskforce of deadliness, efficiency and teamwork.

Mike:
[Davy is seen climbing onto a rooftop] The Manchester Marauder.

Davy:
[a duffelbag is thrown onto his head] Gee, thanks, Peter, I really needed that.

Peter:
[of screen] That's ok, Davy, any time. [Davy bumps into a pole, then grabs an antenna and gets a shock of electricity]

Mike:
[resuming his narration] The Conneticut Counterspy combines nerves of steel, cool-eyed perseption and some fancy footwork.

Davy:
[Peter knocks over a potted plant as he climbs on the roof] Peter, watch the pla- oh, it's not real anyway. [Davy throws the fake plant over the railing]

Micky:
[off screen] Ouch!

Mike:
[still narrating] Their ability to make quick, irriversible decisions show why they were picked for this group. [Peter bumps into the pole]

Mike:
[Mike climbs up on the roof as his narration continues] The modest but towering Texan needs no introduction. His stoiclike ability to endure pain...

Mike:
[Mike bumps into the pole]... prove why he is a leader among men. [Mike grabs the electricity pole but does not feel a thing]

Mike:
Last, but not least, is the Los Angeles Leopard, known in Peoria as The Panther Man. [Micky climbs onto the rooftop carrying the painting]

Mike:
And somewhat hampered by a low resistance to the night air. [Micky sneezes as the other three team members run up to him and shush]

Mike:
He is the only weak link in our chain.

Peter:
[masculin voice] He's in for a lot of trouble!

Micky:
[also puttin on a manly voice] Why, cause we're switching the paintings?

Peter:
No, because I put hot mustard on those sandwiches.

Peter, Micky:
Ha. Ha.

Micky:
Man, we are on the road to suc-cess!

Mike:
We're almost at the top of the heights!

Davy:
We're nearly at the top of the heap!

Peter:
It's all downhill from here!

Micky:
So this is the world of television.

Peter:
That's funny; it doesn't look like a vast wasteland.

Captain Crocodile:
Will somebody keep those rotten kids - [gets a signal he's on air]

Captain Crocodile:
Yahaaaa, kids, it's Captain Crocodile time!

Junior Pinter:
You think I'm short?

Mike:
Eh, well, no, where did you get that idea?

Junior Pinter:
From the people who are taller than me.

Davy:
You know, I think he's quite tall, meself.

Micky:
You would.

Captain Crocodile:
Well, they'll be sorry they ever tangled with Captain Crocodile! Listen to this, Howard, on the Monkees' first show... hear me good, this is what we're gonna do... This is gonna be good, Howard, laugh it up.

[Both begin to laugh nervously]

Captain Crocodile:
You see, I'm laughing already!

Mike:
[to Captain Crocodile] Listen, either you let us play, or we quit!

Mike:
[Having just performed Valleri] Well, that was it, how did it go, how did it go, how did it go?

Stage Manager:
How did what go? We've been off the air for five minutes.

Mike:
[parodying The Huntley-Brinkley Report] Good evening, this is Chett Hinkley.

Micky:
And David Brentley.

Peter:
And Brett Chinkley.

Davy:
And Chuck Hankley.

Mike:
And this is Dave Barkley.

Micky:
And Chuck Weekley.

Micky:
And Charler Walltight.

Davy:
And Hank Chuckley.

Mike:
And this is John Smith.

Micky:
And... John Smith?

Mike:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Mike Nesmith. And on my left is the delightful and charming personality, David Jones

Davy:
Thank you, Mike.

Mike:
No sweat.

Peter:
And on my left, is the charming and delightful Peter Tork.

Peter:
Thank you, David. And on my charming and delightful, is the left moderator, Micky Dolenz.

Micky:
Thank you, my charming panel.

Frog-man:
[in the middle of a fistfight] Don't you think we have to ruin some furniture?

Dastardly Villain:
Oh, you mean chairs and stuff?

Frog-man:
Yeah.

Dastardly Villain:
Oh, okay, sure.

Frog-man:
Kretch?

Roobin the Tadpole:
Holy frogslegs, that really makes me mad! [hits Micky on the head]

Mike:
[reading hate-mail from viewers] Arrogant ego-maniacs?

Micky:
Long haired weirdoes?

Davy:
Loathsome teenagers?

Peter:
Delightful and well bred.

Junior Pinter:
Who wrote that?

Peter:
My mother.

Mike:
[Disguised as a kindly little old building janitor] Hello, I'm the kindly little old building janitor. And I just wanted to tell you that I've got twelve grandchildren at home and they all watch the show, just because the Monkees is on.

Captain Crocodile:
This is ridiculous!

J.J. Pontoon:
Eh, eh, let the man speak. Now, before The Monkees appeared, did your grandchildren ever watch the show?

Mike:
Oh, no, no. I'd seen it once, I remember seeing it well, I watched it for about five minutes and then I thought to myself: why am I sitting here watching this show when I could be out, cleaning garbage cans?

Davy:
[Davy and Peter are disguised as small children] I like Monkees, and if you take them off the air, I'm going to hold my breath til my face turns blue!

Junior Pinter:
So will I!

J.J. Pontoon:
Junior!

Peter:
If The Monkees goes off the air, I'll never eat my vegetables again!

Micky:
[pretending to read a story from a dictionary] Once upon a time in the land of Kirshner, there was a, a handsome prince in love with a frog and three little pigs. And he didn't know how he would get through the forest, 'cause the wicked grandmother had given him a poisoned apple. So, he was walking through the forest, and eh, with goodies, in a, in a basket, and eh...

Mike:
[Mike takes over the dictionary] And he came, he came across the wicked stepladder. Who eh, who was, eh, pretty, eh, tall, because of all the prongs, and she said, eh, you rang? And he said: sure the runs... because he had this basket of goodies and oooh.

Davy:
[hands the dictionary to Davy] He had the basket of goodies and, eh started walking towards the little Snow White's little house where the, where the six, eh, midgets lived...

Micky:
Seven!

Davy:
With the four frogs. Seven midgets with the four frogs and the toadstools were beginning to, to look bad, because eh, Columbus was eh...

Peter:
[Peter takes over the dictionary] Eh, eh, eh. Commando: Allied troop in unit in who-who-two.

Peter:
Why am I always the one to play dumb? Why can't I play smart once in a while?

Davy:
Y'know, it's not like Peter to take off in the middle of a gig.

Micky:
Man, he sure takes a lot of looking after.

Mike:
Oh, I don't know; not any more than the average aircraft carrier.

Peter:
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the bandstand...

Davy:
You know, I never did like Chinese restaurants. One hour after you eat there, you disappear.

Davy:
Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you realize this is a crime? This is breaking and entering.

Micky:
So what do you want to do, you want to run home where it's save and, and, and leave Peter here in trouble all alone?

Davy:
Of course not.

Micky:
Well, It was just a suggestion.

Micky:
The Bathook! [Davy hands him the Bathook]

Mike:
What is this Bathook thing, we got a ladder. Do you want to use this thing and break your leg?

Bruno:
What about him?

Peter:
Yeah, what about me?

Bruno:
Shut up!

Peter:
You can't do that to me... I need love and understanding. My mother rejected me, my sister resented me. I've lost all my confidence. And now... this operation...

Dr. Markovich:
What is that?

Peter:
Ben Casey, act one.

Dr. Markovich:
[Pointing a gun at Peter] What are you doing with that?

Bruno:
He knows to much.

Peter:
Thank you!

Dr. Markovich:
This instrument, Mr. Tork, will cause temporary amnesia. We will erase your memory but by the time your memory will return, we will be safely out of this country with Professor Schnitzler.

Peter:
How long before I get my memory back?

Dr. Markovich:
A normal brain should be out of commission for... three days.

[Peter breathes a sigh of relief]

Dr. Markovich:
But in your case, we are safe to say until early spring.

Micky:
[picks up the phone] Hello? Yeah! Bruno just gave us physical therapy. Yeah, Peter's somewhere in the hospital. Yeah, Dr. Schnitzler's still missing. Okay, goodbye. [hangs up]

Mike:
Was that the police?

Mike:
No, it was TV-Guide.

Mike:
Believe me, Micky, there's no other way. Besides, Dr. Markovich is an evil man.

Micky:
But what about me?

Davy:
You're not evil, is he, Mike?

Mike:
He's not evil, crafty and selfish, maybe, but he's not evil.

Micky:
[Dramatic voice] And, thus shall it always end for men who use their knowledge of medicine for evil and badness.

Mike:
Come, my trusty cohorts, let us to the Monkeemobile, away!

Davy:
We were just trying to help you, you know.

Peter:
That's alright, Micky.

Davy:
...Micky! He knows me! He knows me!... No... I'm Davy...

Miss Buntwell:
One, two, three, four. Oh, you got a lot of style, Mr. Tork. Never knew anyone who get ...

[Ignoring the fact that Peter steps on her foot]

Miss Buntwell:
so far, just one lesson.

Peter:
I'm pushy.

Renaldo:
Sucker.

Miss Buntwell:
Oh, he seemed nice!

Renaldo:
They're all nice, as long as they sign that lifetime.

[laughs]

Renaldo:
That kid'll be dancing 'till he's eighty.

Mike:
I object your honor!

Davy:
[hits him on the head with a toy mallett] Don't object so much, you'll live longer.

Micky:
Hello, I'm George Michael Dolenz, Peter Tork's solicitor.

Renaldo:
Oh, yes, shows a lot of promise, lot of promise.

Micky:
My client is an eccentric playboy, you see, and he has a strange affliction called ballpointitis. [Renaldo laughs]

Micky:
A need to sign long term contracts.

Micky:
Do you mean to tell me that if took this contract, and I signed it here...

Renaldo:
And there.

Micky:
And there.

Renaldo:
That I will be forced to take your dance class for life?

Renaldo:
Right, councilor, welcome to Renaldo's Dance Au Go Go.

Mike:
Well, I see now you can't send a boy to do a man's bodge. Eh, eh, job, badge.

Mike:
Boy, I gotta tel ya, this dancing school thing has really turned into a drag. A stone drag!

Miss Buntwell:
Oh, all right, what is it?

Mike:
Miss Buntwell, you were right about dancing. It's changed my whole life. And I can tell you know: my heart wants you and me s-s-soul wants you.

Miss Buntwell:
What do ya hear from your liver?

Mike:
Not a whole lot.

Renaldo:
And now ladies, the moment you've been waiting for: your free introductary dance lesson, with Renaldo's Dancing Smoothies.

Renaldo:
What do you want?

Peter:
Would you show me how to do the box stop again?

Babbitt:
But don't let me catch you keeping a real werewolf in here!

Mike:
Davy, you and Peter go hide in the bedroom.

Davy:
He already knows about us, it's the horse we got to hide.

Micky:
Horses don't eat salami!

Mike:
[feeding soup to a horse] Hey, I think he likes it.

Peter:
At least somebody appreciates good soup.

Micky:
Hey, wait till you see a horse change into a werewolf.

Dr. Mann:
You have a very sick horse here.

Mike:
Oh, eh, Dr. Mann, you don't understand.

Dr. Mann:
Please don't explain, there's no time to waist, I may have to operate.

Peter:
[dressed as the front end of a horse] You can't operate. I'm not a horse, I'm a Monkee.

Dr. Mann:
Hahaha, A likely story. I suppose you sing, too?

Davy:
[dressed as the back end of a horse] Yeah, both of us in here do.

Dr. Mann:
Egad, it's even worse than I thought. This horse not only has delusions of singing, it has a split personality!

Farmer Fisher:
[Coming into the barn ringing a big Triangle shouting] It's Tuesday morning! Got a lotta work to be done: gotta feed the hogs, gotta plow the south forty, gotta milk the cows, gotta feed the chickens. Come on boys, come on.

Mike:
Come on, we gotta go... plow the cow...

Micky:
Something about... I'm supposed to go milk the chicken?

Peter:
I think we ought to go to feed the south porty.

Davy:
Feed the chickens to the cows.

Mike:
Hi, I'm the fella that called before.

Dr. Mann:
Where's the monkey?

Mike:
Oh, I'm the Monkee.

Dr. Mann:
You're the monkey? You don't need a vet, young man, you need a psychiatrist!

Mike:
No, wait a minute, you don't, you don't understand. I'm not a real monkey, I'm the kind of Monkee that sings!

King Hassaar Yaduin:
The palace has seven hundred bedrooms, twenty-two swimming pools and an indoor polo field!

Micky:
Seven hundred bedrooms!

Peter:
Yes, but what kind of neighborhood is it in?

Davy:
What did you bring me here for?

Shazer:
You are the guest of King Hassar of Nehudi. You are going to marry his daugher.

Davy:
Marry his daugher? I don't even know her! Anyway, why would she want to marry me?

Shazer:
Why does the camel sleep with one eye facing the desert moon?

Davy:
To keep his pants up? [laughs]

Davy:
This king kidnapped me and he wants me to marry his daughter!

Micky:
Nice looking?

Davy:
Well, you know, he's not bad.

Curad:
There are four of them. Should I prepair the four beds?

Vidaru:
No, no, prepair four coffins. They will not live the night.

Princess Colette Yaduin:
You must warn him.

Maiden #1:
But Your Majesty, I will be seized before I even have a chance to explain it.

Princess Colette Yaduin:
Then be brief. Tell him: Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.

Maiden #1:
[whispers the message to Peter]

Peter:
Hey Micky, Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves.

Micky:
Golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves, golden Grecian goblets guarantee graves... That's pretty good. Try this one: Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Interviewer:
What are you wearing, man?

Micky:
A tablecloth.

Mike:
Did you know that a chick mailed herself to Davy? Davy didn't...

Interviewer:
Oh! Yeah! What happened about that one?

Davy:
Some, some young lady came up with the bright idea of mailing herself to us...

Mike:
And it ruined her arm... [makes postage machine noises]

Davy:
And she put herself in a big box, put herself in a box this big, and sent herself up and put photographs on it. And we opened it and this young lady popped out.

Interviewer:
What happened to her?

Peter:
Popped her back in again.

Davy:
We shipped her to the Beatles.

Peter:
Oh fair Princess. I have loved you from afar lo these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?

Mike:
[as Princess] You carry me across the mud? Ha Ha. I'm a princess. You're nothing but a lonely little peasant, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low.

Peter:
So you've heard of me.

Mike:
I will honor your spine with a walk across it. Down peasant.

Peter:
My spine thanks you.

Mike:
Down

[she steps on back and crosses]

Peter:
There's a 50 cent toll at the other end.

Mike:
Shut up or I'll have you paved.

Peter:
Except for royal traffic, of course.

The Town Crier:
Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling there were four young men. There was Mike...

Mike the Cobbler:
Hi, I'm Mike and I'm the cobbler, ha!

The Town Crier:
And Davy...

Davy the Taylor:
Hi, I'm Davy and I'm the taylor, aha!

The Town Crier:
And Micky...

Micky the Innkeeper:
Hi, I'm Micky, and I'm the innkeeper.

The Town Crier:
And Peter.

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Hi, I'm Peter, and I'm out of work.

Mike the Cobbler:
[commenting on Princess Gwen, whom he also plays] Wow! What a great looking chick!

Harold:
[to Richard] Water the horses, dislodge the carriage, find provisions and clean the erasers!

Princess Gwen:
Well, If you don't get me out of this filthy little village in... ten minutes, I'm not gonna marry you. What do you think of that?

Harold:
Oh wow, what a bummer!

Princess Gwen:
Open the door, creep!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
A Romeo and Juliet, they're not.

Peter, peasant of Tork:
[Princess Gwen throws Peter a locket] What's this?

Princess Gwen:
It's junk!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
I don't deserve it!

Princess Gwen:
Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyway, it looks good on you.

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Any more of this, and I'm gonna get another Princess to worship...

Peter, peasant of Tork:
And he's gonna murder her in the tower, a remote castle protected by a scary forrest and a moat, moat, and a im-p-enetrable dragon.

Davy the Taylor:
A what kind of dragon?

Peter, peasant of Tork:
An im-p-enetrable dragon.

Davy the Taylor:
So what are you gonna do, Peter?

Peter, peasant of Tork:
I'm gonna miss her when she's gone.

Fairy Of The Locket:
Who called the Fairy of the Locket?

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Locket? [stuttering] Well, I guess I did.

Fairy Of The Locket:
Well, call back later. I was having my hair done. Bye!

Fairy Of The Locket:
Eh, you, you shall cut a pair of shoes that can scale high walls.

Mike the Cobbler:
A shoes that will sc- that will scale...

Fairy Of The Locket:
You, you shall sow me a set of mail that nothing can penetrate

Davy the Taylor:
I'll sew a sote, a send you a suit, in the mail, right.

Fairy Of The Locket:
Yeah. and you, you shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.

Micky the Innkeeper:
Richt, forge, yeah right! Heheh.

Peter, peasant of Tork:
What about me?

Fairy Of The Locket:
You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working.

Fairy Of The Locket:
But remember, you must not drop or crush or lose the locket.

Micky the Innkeeper:
Ah, cause it will lose it's magic, right?

Mike the Cobbler:
Way to go, man!

Fairy Of The Locket:
No, cause I'll be killed, stupid, it's my home!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and safe the Princess? I don't even like her anymore!

Mike the Cobbler:
Don't even like her? Man, that's the grooviest looking chick I ever saw!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Who are you?

Little Red Riding Hood:
Oh, ah, I'm Little Red Riding Hood and I'm gonna see my grandmother in the forest.

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Oh no, you can't go, the wolf's all ready been to your grandmothers and he's eaten her up and he's waiting to do the same thing to you!

Little Red Riding Hood:
Sure kid, and the cow jumped over the moon, heheh.

Dragon of the Moat:
Roar! Roar! I'm the dragon of the moat. Roar!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
I'm not afraid of you, I have a magic sword!

Dragon of the Moat:
Oh, for goodness sake, put that thing away. I've had enough of violence in my life, I'm sick of it!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Oh, well, huh, that's refreshing.

Dragon of the Moat:
Listen, I'll just ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll lower the drawbridge.

Peter, peasant of Tork:
I'm not very good at riddles.

Dragon of the Moat:
Are you better at getting eaten? [Peter shakes his head]

Dragon of the Moat:
Hahaha! What has two ears, two eyes and a very short life?

Peter, peasant of Tork:
I don't know.

Dragon of the Moat:
That's close enough. Lower the drawbridge!

Goldylocks:
Help! Help! Oh, help me, woodsman, oh help me! the two bears are chasing me from their house!

Davy the Taylor:
Two bears? I thought there were three bears?

Goldylocks:
Yeah, well, the Papa Bear kinda wanted me to hang around...

Harold:
Haha! Get them, grab them!

Richard:
Why should we do that? They're already in prison.

Harold:
Do as I say, oaf!

Dragon of the Moat:
What has six eyes, six ears, and a short life?

Micky the Innkeeper:
Three dumb peasants.

Dragon of the Moat:
Hey, that's right.

Davy the Taylor:
That's a good one.

Mike the Cobbler:
How did you know that, wow!

Dragon of the Moat:
Lower the drawbridge!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
Micky! Davy! Peter, eh, Mike!

Davy the Taylor:
[during the climactic fight] Can you fight too, I'm doing all the fighting here!

The Town Crier:
[cut to the Town Cryer] Hooray for Davy!

Micky the Innkeeper:
[back to the fight] Peter, Peter, what about the locket?

The Town Crier:
[cut to the Town Cryer] Hooray for Micky!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
[back to the fight] She made me give it back!

Princess Gwen:
You're darn right I took it back, it's my locket!

The Town Crier:
Hooray for the good guys!

Peter, peasant of Tork:
My swords, stuck, give me the locket!

Princess Gwen:
You're gonna fight them with a magic locket? You might as well do a dance to spring. Nosirree bob, baby, the locket stays with me.

Princess Gwen:
Well, I'm sure glad this worked out this way, you know, I could've been wasted.

Princess Gwen:
Well, you have kidnapped and threatened to kill the woman that you were gonna marry. I hope you have some sort of an explanation?

Harold:
I dispise you!

Princess Gwen:
I didn't ask for an apology, stupid.

Mike:
Well, that wraps up another laugh riot and this is...

Micky:
Mike Nesmith.

Mike:
Micky Dolenz.

Davy:
And Peter Tork.

Peter:
And Davy Jones.

Princess Gwen:
And Micky Dolenz.

Mike:
Reminding you to save the Texas Prairie Chicken.

Davy:
I played Gretel, very, er, what's the word?

Peter:
Gretel, I think is the word for it.

Davy:
Very Gretel.

Peter:
Very Gretel indeed.

Jolly Green Giant:
Hiya, Monkees. You wanna know what we got in the mail?

Micky:
Yes.

Jolly Green Giant:
An autographed photo of Annette Funicello.

Micky:
Ah!

Davy:
We thought you meant you got an invitation to Benson's audition.

Jolly Green Giant:
Oh, yeah, we got that, too.

Peter:
Boy, it's not fair. We're as bad as any other group in town.

Peter:
I'm sorry about this, but I always get the hickups when I perform for a big producer.

Mike:
What are you talking about, this is the first time you ever performed in front of a big producer.

Mike:
Well, it's a hundred per cent so far.

Hubbell Benson:
When I want an idiot to do a job, I'll do it myself.

Hubbell Benson:
[bumps into a low hanging lampshade] Idiot!

Irene Chomsky:
[Skeptically] You say you know Mr. Benson?

Peter:
Know him? Why, he cured my hickups!

Reporter:
That's quite a story. The mystery group and the half a million dollar contract.

Hubbell Benson:
You'd better make that a million dollars. It's gonna be an hour show.

Davy:
Hello, operator?

Operator:
Hello, may I help you sir?

Davy:
Oh yeah, eh, we're musicians and we're rehearsing, I mean we're auditioning here in the phone booth and we got cut off. What are we going to do now?

Operator:
Do you know 'Melancholy Baby'?

Davy:
Oh, that's very funny, yeah. [hangs up the phone]

Davy:
Okay, mate, the phone booth is yours. [a man in a business suit who has been waiting a long time hurries past Peter and changes into Superman in the phone booth]

Hubbell Benson:
[shouting to be heard over the music] Say you're the Monkees!

Davy:
Oh, we're the Monkees.

Irene Chomsky:
Ah! Eureka!

Peter:
No, we're Americans.

Micky:
There haven't really been riots, there have been, in actuality, since I, since I was there, there have been demonstrations and, eh, but I guess a lot of people and journalists don't know how to spell 'demonstrations' and use the word 'riot' cause it only has four letters.

Davy:
The reason I haven't spoken all this time, is because that it doesn't matter what I say, nobody will listen to me, because I'm under 21. So I'm just keeping my mouth shut.

Interviewer:
[interviewing Mike during the epilogue tag] Would you want the kids to wear their hair like yours?

Mike:
I think they should wear their hair the way they want to wear it.

Micky:
[commenting in the epilogue tag about Sunset Strip disturbances he had witnessed] When it first happened there was a comment by the Sheriff of Los Angeles, he said the curfew should be abolished, that they should take the babysitting job out of the hands of the police and put it in the hands of the parents, if parents feel their kids should be out after 10:00 then they should be out.

TV Interviewer:
Doctor Turner, recently in our fair city, there have been many acts of violence commited right in the streets, in full view of people like yourself.

Dr. Lionel B. Turner:
Disgusting.

TV Interviewer:
They have just stood by and watch people be brutally attacked.

Dr. Lionel B. Turner:
Deplorable.

TV Interviewer:
What would, how do you feel about that?

Dr. Lionel B. Turner:
Disgusting, it's each man's solemn duty to protect his fellow citizens.

TV Interviewer:
And if you saw a fight, or a person being beaten, taking place right here...

Dr. Lionel B. Turner:
I would involve myself physically. I would come in feet and fist flying!

Davy:
[the Monkees pretend to be beating up Davy] Won't some innocent bystander please help me? How about you sir? [points a finger at Turner, who screams and runs off]

Charles Russell:
Monkees you say? Yes, there is something primitive about them, Vanessa.

Davy:
I wanna help her.

Micky:
Sure you wanna help. I wanna help Peter too, but I can't. He's a bird-brain.

Davy:
You must be joking!

Mike:
Gentlemen, I have bad news. The firm of Vanessa Russel and Vanessa is failing rapidly.

Peter:
Good heavens, we'll be wiped out!

Vanessa Russell:
Oh, I think you're all crazy and wonderful!

Mike:
If they catch us it means a life sentence!

Micky:
I'm not going back in that hole!

Davy:
You dirty rotten screw!

Peter:
You'll never get us alive!

Micky:
Come and get us law, come and get us!

Micky:
Let's split!

Mike:
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. I regret to inform you that Norway has just declared war on Sweden and all Swedish nationals are to report to their embassy.

Davy:
In boots I'm 5'3"

Interviewer:
Davy, what bag are you in?

Davy:
What what?

Interviewer:
What bag are you in?

Davy:
Bag? I don't get that?

Interviewer:
Well let me ask you something, I mean like, do you make a folk sound or a rock sound or anything like that?

Davy:
I make a terrible sound.

Interviewer:
Mike, let me ask you a question, seriously now. Why do you do this kind of business?

Mike:
What's that?

Interviewer:
Play the music.

Mike:
Well I, I mean...

Interviewer:
How did you get to?

Mike:
Why do they call that a light, I don't know, that's just where it's at.

Interviewer:
Mike, let me ask you something. Do you think you can play another part?

Mike:
What part is that. What would you like me to be... strong and silent?

Interviewer:
Yeah, strong and silent. [Mike pulls a face]

Interviewer:
Hey well, well, now be a girl [Mike pulls the same face]

Interviewer:
Mike, there the same thing.

Mike:
Well, that's your hang up, man. I mean, I know where it's at.

Interviewer:
Where you ever a strong, silent girl before?

Mike:
Now if you ever ask that...

[Micky runs in]

Micky:
Where's Jud?

Maw Weskitt:
Over there.

[Mike runs in]

Mike:
Where's Jud?

Maw Weskitt:
Same place.

Mike:
Look, Jud, if you want to be qualified for Ella Mae, you got to treat her like a gentleman.

Jud Weskitt:
But she's a girl.

Micky:
[to camera] Isn't that dumb?

Micky:
Isn't that dumb?

Mike:
You gotta be sweet instead of surly. You gotta be tender instead of taciturn. You gotta... you gotta be amiable instead of angry.

Jud Weskitt:
Then what?

Mike:
Then what? Well, you can ask yourself "Whatever happened to the good old Jud Weskitt?"

Peter:
All right, let's try it again. Now, what are the four qualities that a lady respects most in a gentleman?

Jud Weskitt:
Kindness... consideration... affection... and a punch in the mouth!

Peter:
Well, that's three out of four.

Paw Chubber:
I'll kill the first Weskitt that crosses that line!

Jud Weskitt:
Oh, I'll shoot the first Chubber that crosses!

Peter:
Oh, well, we're neither Weskitt nor Chubber.

Davy:
No!

Peter:
I guess that lets us off the hook.

Paw Chubber:
We both hate strangers! [both families cock their guns and aim at the Monkees]

Peter:
I geuss that, er, puts us back on the hook.

Ella Mae Chubber:
I love ya, Davy!

Micky:
I'm Micky.

Ella Mae Chubber:
I love ya, Micky! [kisses him passionately]

Micky:
Well, I tried.

Maw Weskitt:
Sonny, would you help a little old lady across the street?

Davy:
That's a very rough way to break into the boy scouts, isn't it?

Jud Weskitt:
You no account city slicker!

Davy:
I'm not a city slicker!

Jud Weskitt:
How much is one and one?

Davy:
Two.

Jud Weskitt:
That proves it, ya fast talkin' sharpie!

Davy:
But I'm not from the city, I'm English.

Maw Weskitt:
[jumps off her rocking chair] A dang Red-Coat! I knew they'd be comin' back.

Davy:
Wha- well, you haven't been at war with the British since 1812.

Maw Weskitt:
That's the year I was born, sonny, I remember it very clear.

Davy:
What's kept you alive all this time?

Maw Weskitt:
Hate! Hate and vengeance!

Jud Weskitt:
Who's you?

Mike:
You remember your cousins Claude & Leroy?

Jud Weskitt:
No I don't.

Mike:
Do you remember your cousins Luke & Ezra?

Jud Weskitt:
No I don't.

Mike:
You remember your cousins Roland & Clem?

Jud Weskitt:
Er, yes, I do!

Mike:
Yep, well, that's who we are, Roland & Clem.

Jud Weskitt:
Whatever happened to cousins Luke, Ezra, Claude & Leroy?

Mike:
Well, they said, say hello.

Jud Weskitt:
Hello!

Ella Mae Chubber:
I love ya, Micky!

Peter:
I'm Peter.

Ella Mae Chubber:
I love ya, Peter! [kisses him passionately]

Peter:
Well, I tried.

Mike:
Do you see anything?

Micky:
No, just wall to wall dirt.

Maw Weskitt:
Congratulations, cousins, and welcome to the family.

Micky:
Thanks, Maw. You sure play great garbage!

Jud Weskitt:
[to Mike] How did you learn how to play such a good nose?

Mike:
Listen...

Jud Weskitt:
What?

Mike:
Ella Mae Chubber's gettin hitched.

Jud Weskitt:
Well, what happened, did Chubber's horse die?

Mike:
Did the chubbers horse die? No, not to a wagon, man, she's getting married!

Maw Weskitt:
Well who's gonna make a gentleman outta my boy in one hour?

Micky:
Only one man in the world can do that, Maw, couse he's had eight marriages himself. Raybert presents: comin' straight from the mountains: Uncle Raccoon!

Peter:
[Peter enters dressed like Davy Crocket, speaking with a German accent] Someone here have trouble with ze marriage?

Mike:
That's the wrong accent!

Micky:
What is this? [holds up a spoon]

Jud Weskitt:
That is a... spoon.

Micky:
Right, what do we do with it?

Jud Weskitt:
And we... eat with it! [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]

Micky:
What's this, Jud? [holds up a fork]

Jud Weskitt:
That is a... vark. [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]

Micky:
What do we do with it?

Jud Weskitt:
And we... eat with it! [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]

Micky:
Hold it, wait, wait, hold it. What is this, Jud? [holds up a knife]

Jud Weskitt:
That is a... knife! [Micky, Mike and Peter cheer]

Micky:
What do we do with it?

Jud Weskitt:
And we... [grabs the knife] stab out blindly at those who would make us eat with a fork and spoon!

Davy:
Listen, you wait here, I'll go and get the preacher. Here's the ring.

Jud Weskitt:
Thanks, stranger. Say, I'd sure like for you to be my best man.

Davy:
Oh, that's a very nice gesture, Jud.

Jud Weskitt:
And lend me two bucks for the preacher?

Davy:
Two bucks! How much is that in English money?

Jud Weskitt:
Seventeen shilling and six pence.

Davy:
Okay, I'll manage that.

Peter:
Are you with the bride or the groom?

Micky:
It all depends who's left.

Paw Chubber:
[points his rifle at Jud] I got you at last!

Ella Mae Chubber:
But Paw, he's my husband now.

Paw Chubber:
You son in law!

Micky:
Boy, Pete, you sure know how to use your mouth.

The Captain:
Who are these fools?

Micky:
The eh, new shipmates, sir.

The Captain:
Where did you get that long hair?

Micky:
Well, there's this little store on Sunset Strip...

The Captain:
Cut it off!

Micky:
No!

Davy:
No!

Peter:
No.

Micky:
We can't cut it, we'd loose our strenght!

The Captain:
And who are you to tell me about naval law?

Harry Hooker:
His name is Jones, sir. Davy Jones.

The Captain:
Davy Jones? As in Davy Jones' Locker?

Micky:
Yeah, right! It's his great, great grandfather and when he turns 25, he inherits the locker!

Davy:
Hey, they're both crackers!

Peter:
What do you mean, crackers?

Davy:
Crazy, they're both crazy.

Peter:
Who, who's crazy?

Davy:
The captain.

Peter:
Ah, come on!

Davy:
Honestly, he was asking advice from his parrot

Micky:
Was the parrot charging him?

Davy:
No, no.

Micky:
Then the parrot's crackers, crazy.

The Captain:
Pull up the Jolly Roger!

Peter:
[terrified] The Rolly Joger!

The Captain:
Here's your swords and your pistols. Oh, and the lyrics to some of the better known pirate songs. I just hope you men are tough enough for this job.

Micky:
Tough? Hahaha. Peter's so touch his nails get rusty!

Davy:
Heheheh heh. He's so tough, he loves the sight of blood that he pours ketchup on everything he eats, even cornflakes.

Micky:
Mutiny!

Davy:
But we can't do that!

Micky:
Why?

Davy:
I don't know why!

Micky:
How about if Clark Gable and Marlon Brando can do it, we can do it.

Davy:
Okay.

Micky:
Oh, great!

Davy:
They do it all the time. Let's go do it!

The Captain:
Nobody mutinies on my ship!

Horace the Parrot:
What about those guys in '49?

The Captain:
Oh, shut up, Horace!

The Captain:
This man's leading a mutiny abourd my boat. And I wanna know who's helping him.

Davy:
Eh, would you be easier on him if you find the others?

The Captain:
No. He'll die just the same.

Davy:
We told you not to try it!

Peter:
We said singlehanded mutinies never works, stranger!

The Captain:
Stranger? I thought you came abourd with him?

Davy:
Him? Nah! We've never seen him before, we woudn't hang around with long haired weirdoes like that, would we?

Peter:
Dirty commie!

The Captain:
Men, you've been found guilty of insubordination to a commanding officer, inspiring mutiny and what is even worse: impersonating a parrot! Now, have you got anything to say before we execute sentence on you?

Peter:
Yes, I do, I'm innocent. I never impersonated a parrot in my life. I can't even do a good cow. Moo.

Micky:
You know, physical beauty isn't enough, I, I guess that's why I fell in love with you, Brenda. I wanted a girl with some intelligence.

Brenda:
Yeah, intelligence.

Bulk:
How ya doing, chick. Hey, haven't we met somewhere before?

Brenda:
Yeah, before.

Peter:
I wish Mike were here.

Bulk:
Listen, doctor, I'm as strong as an ox!

Peter:
[disguised as a doctor] Oh, well, that's all right, this disease will sap your strength. In ten minutes, you'll be as weak as a spineless jellyfish. If there's anyone you want to beat up, I suggest you do it straight off. That'll be ten dollars.

Bulk:
I can't have lost my strenght, without my strength I'm nothing!

Brenda:
Yeah, nothing.

Shah-Ku:
So, Mr. Dolenz, we meet again.

Micky:
Yeah, again.

Shah-Ku:
Is this your self training program? Maybe this time you'll believe me.

Micky:
I'm a believer, I'm a believer already.

Peter:
[on the phone] And I'm awfully worried about him, Mr. Shah-Ku, he's falling down from hunger.

Shah-Ku:
You have a very deep voice for a mother, Mrs. Dolenz.

Peter:
I'm not Mrs. Dolenz.

Shah-Ku:
Oh, Micky came from a broken home.

Davy:
Shall we kill him now, or later?

Mister Shneider:
Does hunger justify murder?

Davy:
Oh, man, they'd never convict you if they tasted that.

Shah-Ku:
You too, if you stand up, you may join us.

Davy:
Er, I am standing up.

Shah-Ku:
It is truly written that the coward dies a thousand deaths. A brave man, only five hundred or so.

Mike:
I don't think $200 dollars is gonna do us any good if we're dead!

Micky:
Yeah, man. We shoulda asked for $250!

Micky:
This place looks like it was condemned before it was built.

Mike:
It looks like a high-rise garbage dump.

Mike:
Ehm, Doctor Mendoza, I sort of assume that you want us to teach your friend Rock and Roll?

Dr. Mendoza:
That's right. Rock und Roll really appeals to the little monster.

Davy:
Oh, it's a child. Is he your son?

Dr. Mendoza:
Yes, I guess you could say he is my own flesh and blood. Hah!

Mike:
Eh, you can't really expect us to teach a monster to sing?

Dr. Mendoza:
Well, he's not really a monster, he's a machine.

Mike:
Well, we can't tutor a computer.

Micky:
[Having given the monster a makeover] Now how does it look?

Mike:
He looks like a long-haired, nearsighted monster with a guitar.

Dr. Mendoza:
This is my valley, Groot.

Groot:
I live to grovel.

Mike:
Who in the world are you?

Dr. Mendoza's Daughter:
I am the doctor's beautiful daugher.

Micky:
Oh eh, but what do you have to do with all this?

Dr. Mendoza's Daughter:
Nothing, I'm in the sequel.

Peter:
Gee, I wish I had my own room.

Mike:
Hey doctor, you know, if we die, you could go to the chair for this.

Dr. Mendoza:
Hoho, there is very little danger of you dying. Gottfried von Schnitzler says this type of experiment need not be fatal.

Mike:
Who in the world is Gottfried von Schnitzler?

Dr. Mendoza:
Oh, you know Gottfried, he's a little boy who lives down the hill.

Micky:
Your father stole our voices and gave them to that monster, now what do you think of that?

Dr. Mendoza's Daughter:
Wait till you see the sequel! The vampire turns Davy into a werewolf.

Micky:
I don't wanna hear it!

Dr. Mendoza:
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the evilest one of all?

The Magic Mirror:
Dr. Carl Shweibel of Dusseldorf, Germany.

Dr. Mendoza:
But I thought it was me!

The Magic Mirror:
You're only second best. You'll have to try harder. And don't yell at me, I only work here.

Monster:
Groovy man, that's not my bag. Don't get uptight.

Davy:
Hey, he's become a hippie.

Monster:
Let's split, go to my pad. That's where it's at. Groovy? Dig?

Mike:
Oh great, now we got a super hippie on our hands.

Groot:
It's for you, master. She says it's vitaly important. [Hands him the phone]

Dr. Mendoza:
Hello, this is Doctor Mendoza. No madame, we are not interested in Bossa Nova lessons.

Groot:
Now that you've made the singing android, will you not do as you promised and turn me into a tall, strong monster?

Dr. Mendoza:
Yes, Groot, I will turn you into a vampire.

Groot:
Oh, but you promised to make me into a wolfman.

Dr. Mendoza:
All right, I'll make you into a wolfman.

Groot:
Oh good. Allthough vampires are nice...

Peter:
Android, Andy! Andy, wait, I'm Peter, your friend. The doctor is an evil man. He wants to exploit you. You're only a pawn in his hands! A tool for his apporicious ambition.

Mike:
Apporicious ambitions? Where did he get that?

Davy:
It's in the script.

Mike:
Are you sure?

Davy:
Yes, on page 28.

Mike:
[Talking on the phone] Eh that's right officer, it's the big scary looking house on the very top of the hill. What? Oh, just a second I'll have to check.

Mike:
[walks over to Dr. Mendoza who is being tied up] Hey Doctor, what's the name of this street?

Dr. Mendoza:
Rosebud Lane.

Mike:
Rosebud - I thought that was the name of a sled?

Davy:
What do you want to do?

Mike:
Oh, I don't know. I just thought I'd sort of sit around the house and FAIL.

Micky:
Please, no names. It will embarrass him and, naturally, would make an interesting anecdote to my book.

Producer:
Your book?

Micky:
My book, a new expose of Hollywood: "The False Values, The Phoniness, The Fakery"!

Producer:
Is is taking you long to write?

Micky:
I don't know. I'm having it ghostwritten.

Bernard Class:
You didn't come here to exchange pleasantries, Nesmouth.

Mike:
Nesmith.

Bernard Class:
What can High Class Music do for you?

Mike:
Well, eh, Mr. eh...?

Bernard Class:
Class.

Mike:
Oh, you're High Class?

Bernard Class:
No, no, no, I'm Bernie. My brother's the one who started the business.

Mike:
Oh, he's High Class.

Bernard Class:
No, his name is Irving.

Mike:
Irving? Well then how come it's called High Class Music Publishing Company?

Bernard Class:
Would you come to an Irving Class music Publishing Company?

Mike:
Joanie Janz? She's the hottest thing in showbusiness!

Bernard Class:
Joanie Jans in my opinion is the finest living or dead singer alive today.

Bernard Class:
Nestlerow, you gotta have some vision. How old are you?

Mike:
Twenty one.

Bernard Class:
When I was your age, I was twenty two.

Bernard Class:
Someday you'll be passing a theater marquee and then you'll see it in neon letters ten feet high, your name: Mike Nashmirth.

Mike:
Nesmith!

Micky:
This looks like a job for... [Davy sticks his fingers in his ears, Mickey covers his eyes and Peter covers his mouth. Then, with a pop, they have changed location and are wearing their Monkeemen suits]

Davy, Micky and Peter:
Monkeemen! Up, up and away!

Micky:
We're coming to tune the piano, Charlie.

Bernard Class:
Three guys to tune one piano?

Micky:
Yeah, well he does the black keys, and he does the white keys and I do the cracks. [laughs]

Davy:
It's a very tough union.

Mike:
Ah, pardon me, Miss Janz?

Joanie Janz:
Oh! One of the little people. I'm proud and just a little bit humbled to be able to give you my autograph.

Joanie Janz:
[Uses a stamp to sign a picture] There, little person.

Mike:
I came to tell ya, that how much I appreciate that you're doing my song in your new show.

Joanie Janz:
Well, I'm proud and just a little bit humbled to say I don't know what the devil you're talking about.

Mike:
Aw, sure you do, you know, it's kind of a bouncy tune... You're doing it in your new flick.

Joanie Janz:
A bouncy tune... in 'The Wolfgirl meets the Vampire in the Old West'?

Micky:
Wanna see my impression of Fred Astaire doing his impression of the inimitable James Cagney?

Bernard Class:
How about: 'I'm gonna buy me a dog'

Micky:
[as M.D] That'll have to do. Who wrote it?

Bernard Class:
Some kid named Nishwash.

Peter:
Nesmith.

Micky:
[as M.D] Never heard of him. I like the title of that song. Class, get me that song.

Bernard Class:
Yes M.D., certainly M.D. May I call you M.?

Micky:
[as M.D] No! Get me Nishwash first.

Davy:
[Watching Peter flying as a Monkeeman] Hey, he can fly.

Mike:
Who, Peter?

Davy:
No.

Micky:
A speeding bullet's much faster than that.

Davy:
What's happened to Peter?

Mike:
Well, eh, he's probably not back from his dream yet.

Micky:
Impossible, man, Peter doesn't dream.

Mike:
You're telling me it was unbelievable. You think that was something, you ought to see what happens after the commercial.

Davy:
[Micky, Mike and Davy cram into a telephone booth to change into Monkeemen] Hold it!

Micky:
What, what?

Davy:
Look at that:

Mike:
What do you mean, hold it?

Davy:
[starts to read a sign] Federal Law W443 paragraph 7 prohibits the use of any public phonebooth for the purpose of changing into or out of secret identities.

Micky:
[gasps] But if we don't change into our secret identities, the entire television audience is doomed!

Davy:
Hey, look, look, it's the Heat! [Telephone Co. van drives by]

Wizard Glick:
My maniacally warped plan is almost complete! At last! And soon it will be Twelve O'Clock! Heh... heh, could you die? And they will! And then I will pull the Main Power Switch... which will activate the Magentic Freeble Energizer... which will release the incredible power of The Frodis! And with aid of villainous henchmen, I will control the minds of millions!

Wizard Glick:
Now what is it? My goodness.

Henchman:
Well, It's the Monkeemen monitor. It ain't been activated for years.

Wizard Glick:
Those incredible swine!

Henchman:
Not swine, Monkees.

Micky:
[reading from the Monkeemen manual] To dispose of a two-headed Org, jump up and down three times, roll a head of cabbage and giggle.

Mike:
Hey, wait a minute, guys, you know what? It's seven thirty, six thirty central time. It's time for The Monkees. I wonder if anybody around here has got a television set?

Micky:
Oh man, if we could only get in touch with somebody...

Mike:
How about Peter?

Micky:
No, he's at the pad.

Mike:
I... Mental telepathy!

Davy:
Oh, oh, you mean that psychedelic stuff?

Mike:
Yeay, all the groups are doing it, you know, psycho jello.

Peter:
This is incredible. I feel as if I though I were being compelled to move by a chant from the transcendental meditations of an Indian Mystic.

Micky:
[disembodied voice] No Peter, it's a chant I got with a cereal box-top.

Peter:
Oh.

Micky:
[cut to Micky and Mike in Eastern garb] Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, it's working, it's working...

Mike:
How do you know, how do you know?

Micky:
I saw the last scene... I saw the last scene...

Wizard Glick:
[schrieking with laughter] I'll press the Freeble Energizer button there. [another shriek] It's working, it's working!

Cop:
Hey, it's eight thirty, seven thirty central. Time for Dragnet. Anybody got a TV set around here?

Otto:
Creebage? How do you play creebage?

Micky:
I can't stand to see a grown bush cry!

Micky:
Hurry up, what are you doing in there?

Frodis:
I am charging as fast as I can.

Davy:
[Nyles is staring blankly at the TV] Nyles! Oh no, has the TV got you too?

Neighbor:
What TV? Man, I'm always like this.

Wizard Glick:
I don't wanna fight anymore [laughs] I just wanna lay down on the grass and be cool.

Mike:
Hello, Mayor Motley. My name is Mike Nesmith and I'd like to talk to you about this new parking lot that's...

Mayor Motley:
I'm eh, sorry, Nesmyer, but I don't hire any construction workers.

Mayor Motley:
Now then, Neswosh...

Mike:
Nesmith.

Mayor Motley:
Our country was settled in 1612...

Mike:
Well I know that...

Mayor Motley:
From cross the shores... [cut to stock footage of Peter and Mike playing cowboys and indians]

Mayor Motley:
From across the shores the pilgrims landed and found Indians.

Mike:
Yeah...

Mayor Motley:
Luckily they moved those indians. Why, throwing people out of their homes is the American way!

Mike:
Huh?

Mayor Motley:
Then we are in total agreement. And Nesboum, I wanna to thank you as one good American to another, for enlightening me as to your opinion.

Mayor Motley:
Do you think he's got a chance?

Wilbur Zeckenbush:
According to the democratic system of this city, anybody's got a change... if I own him. Do I own him?

Mayor Motley:
[cheering up] No, you own me!

Wilbur Zeckenbush:
Then he hasn't got a chance.

Mike:
And so, untill this crisis is over, I will hunker down like a jackass in a hall storm, dot, dot, dot.

Davy:
Oh Mike, that's terrible. No politician would ever say a thing like that.

Peter:
I'll bet it was political sabatooge.

Davy:
How do you know that?

Peter:
I'm not a campy aide for nothing.

Mike:
Old politician never die, they just rot away.

Wilbur Zeckenbush:
Resort to plan 'W'.

Peter:
[Opening an envelope from a sack of mail] Hey, look at it, it's a half a check for a hundred dollars!

Mike:
[grabs the contents of the envelope] It's two halves of a hundred dollar check!

Peter:
It's a check for two hundred dollars!

Mike:
[Mike looks confused] It's two checks for fifty dollars?

Skywriter:
We can put his name across the entire sky.

Peter:
We want it bigger than that. We wanna see 'Nesmith' up there in the sky with the sun dotting the 'I'.

Mayor Motley:
Mr. Nesmith?

Mike:
Nishwash.

Micky:
This is it! It's those thousands of little people sending in their nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Mike:
But these checks are for hundreds, and thousands!

Micky:
This is it, Mike, it's those thousands of big people sending their hundreds and thousands.

Davy:
Hey, what are we gonna do with all this money?

Micky:
It's two days to election. We can blow this town wide open!

Mike:
Micky, the town's already wide open. That's what we're trying to change.

Micky:
It's two days to election, we can blow this town wide closed!

Mike:
[reading aloud from a document] And what is this? Violation of the housing code 716: illegal storage of inflamable material. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Shneider is not firewood, he's our dummy!

Babbitt:
A mere technicality.

Mike:
Well it's not to him!

Millie Rudnick:
Oh, d-don't, don't get up, finish convelessing. I can teach my bags to walk in by themselves.

Millie Rudnick:
Who did this?

Davy:
Did what?

Millie Rudnick:
Who made this dust, this filth, you? [points toward Mickey and Mike]

Micky:
What's today?

Mike:
Huh? Oh, monday.

Micky:
Monday. Eh, It's Peter. Peter puts the filth out on mondays.

Peter:
It was nothing.

Peter:
You're fired! From now on he sets the table.

Millie Rudnick:
Now, we must observe some rules. We're all grown up people here. We musn't make a fuss about going to sleep and food should not be eaten with the fingers!

Mike:
Ehm, fingers should be eaten seperately. [bites his finger]

Millie Rudnick:
Don't be a Mr. Mouth.

Millie Rudnick:
...and food should not be eaten with the fingers.

Mike:
Umm, the fingers should be eaten separately.

Millie Rudnick:
Oh, look how this one cleans. A regular Picasso of grit!

Millie Rudnick:
Tell me, Mike what good is success if you catch a cold? [Mike is dumbstruck] I'll make you a sweater!

Millie Rudnick:
Davy, you're an English boy?

Davy:
That's right, Milly.

Millie Rudnick:
You know Rex Harrison?

Davy:
No, I haven't had the pleasure yet.

Millie Rudnick:
How come? He's an English boy, too.

Davy:
Maybe he's avoiding me.

Millie Rudnick:
[Milly brings home a blond girl along with her shopping] Boys, look what I got. I found her at the supermarket.

Peter:
I don't know where we're gonna put her, there's no room in the refrigerator.

Clarisse Rawlings:
[posh accent] Do you really know Rex Harrison?

Davy:
[equally posh accent] No.

Clarisse Rawlings:
Actually, I don't care.

Davy:
I'm no good for you, you know...