The Out of Towners

Gwen Kellerman:
George, what are we doing wrong? We can't ride, we can't walk, we can't eat, we can't pray.

George Kellerman:
Well, we can think. As long as we got our brains, we can think.

Gwen Kellerman:
Oh, they'll get that too, George. You'll see.

Officer Meyers:
You folks live out of town?

Gwen Kellerman:
Oh yes.

Officer Meyers:
You're lucky.

George Kellerman:
You chased a dog and you beat a horse. You're stronger than you think.

George Kellerman:
And you're not getting away with anything! I got all your names and your addresses!

George Kellerman:
My wife can verify that. Gwen?

Gwen Kellerman:
I can verify that.

Gwen Kellerman:
Why... why didn't we just stop and explain?

George Kellerman:
Explain? What I'm doing in the bushes with a little boy? With my hands in his pockets? They'd give me 10-20 years.

George Kellerman:
37,000 policemen in the city of New York! Not one'll come out in the rain!

George Kellerman:
Here, look, look! Car!

[a car approaches]

George Kellerman:
Hey! Help! Help!

[the car drives past them barely hitting George]

George Kellerman:
Ow! I hope you get in trouble someday!

George Kellerman:
Oh, please, please if there's any justice let Murray get mugged by the man who took my watch.

George Kellerman:
[after being thrown out of a church] Mr Moyers, don't know if you're a religious man, but if I were you, at 2:00, I'd start praying for my job.

George Kellerman:
Is there anything wrong? I mean, it's over 35 minutes now.

Airline Stewardess:
I imagine we've run into some bad weather.

George Kellerman:
You don't have to imagine. Just look out the window.

George Kellerman:
Listen, the minute this is over, I want both your badge numbers! I'm through being intimidated!

George Kellerman:
I was going to take you to dinner at one of the best restaurants in the world. Here you are eating peanut butter on white bread with nothing to drink. If you ever get your mouth open again, I wouldn't blame you if you never talk to me.

Gwen Kellerman:
Oh my God!

George Kellerman:
What's wrong?

Gwen Kellerman:
I lost my left eyelash!

George Kellerman:
Tell him where you slept last night, hmm? Tell him what you had for breakfast. See how safe he feels.

Gwen Kellerman:
George, now I-I promised I would call the children this morning. If they don't hear from me, they will be worried.

George Kellerman:
Well, right now they're eating a big bowl of Rice Krispies and bananas. Worry about us, will you?

Gwen Kellerman:
You haven't thought about them once since we left, have you? About their welfare? About their future if anything should happen to us? Have you thought about our children once since we left home?

George Kellerman:
Yes! In between the mugging and the kidnapping! Now, you gonnna walk, or we gonna stand here and have a PTA meeting?

Gwen Kellerman:
Thank you very much.

George Kellerman:
What are you thanking him for - deserting us? Will you stop thanking everybody?

George Kellerman:
I'm suing 'em all. I don't care if I'm in court all year.

Woman in Police Station:
I'm through carrying pocketbooks in this city. You got a pocketbook, you're a marked woman.

George Kellerman:
You can't walk with a bleeding foot.

Gwen Kellerman:
Well I would fly, but New York is fogged in.

Gwen Kellerman:
George, I can't walk and you can't carry me. And there are no buses, or taxis, and no car is going to stop to pick up bleeding strangers.

George Kellerman:
It's not safe in the park at night.

Gwen Kellerman:
We have already been robbed and kidnapped. We have nothing to lose but four cents. Please, George.

George Kellerman:
Suppose it rains again?

Gwen Kellerman:
I am so wet now, it can only make me drier.

[George is reluctant to help a lost child]

Gwen Kellerman:
George, I don't know what's happened to you, I've never seen you like this before.

George Kellerman:
I never saw you wearing my shoes before, but we're in trouble.

Gwen Kellerman:
Don't pull! Please don't pull! Oh my God, my straps are broken!

Gwen Kellerman:
[after hearing George had been offered the Vice-President position] What did you say, George?

George Kellerman:
What did I say? What do you think I said?

Gwen Kellerman:
I don't know, George. I was hoping you would say no. I was hoping you would say that you and your wife don't really belong in New York. That you wanted to live the rest of your life in Ohio. That you never wanted to see a big city again as long as you live. That you didn't want to live here or in, uh, Chicago, or San Francisco, or New Orleans or Paris or any other place where people have to live on top of each other, and they don't have enough room to walk or to breathe or to smile at each other. That you don't want to step on garbage in the streets, or be attacked by dogs or have to give away watches in the middle of your sleep to men in black capes. That you were through traveling on trains that had no place to sit & no food to eat. And you didn't want to fly in airplanes that have no place to land, and no luggage for you when you land there. That you wish you never came here, and the only thing in the world you really wanted was to pick up your wife and carry her to the airport and fly home... and live happily ever after. That's what I was hoping you would say, George.

George Kellerman:
That's funny... that's what I told him, word for word.

Murray:
You got a wallet?

George Kellerman:
Uh, no, no wallet. Just the cash. I never carry a wallet.

Gwen Kellerman:
Give him your wallet, George! [to Murray] It's in his left pocket!

Gwen Kellerman:
My husband and I haven't eaten or slept since yesterday morning!

[the taxicab barely arrives at the Longview Rail stop in time for the train to depart for Grand Central Station]

Barney Polacek, Cab Driver in Boston:
Just made it. You better rush.

George Kellerman:
How much is that?

Barney Polacek, Cab Driver in Boston:
Four-fifty, but I still can't break a 20.

George Kellerman:
All right, that's $2.00 from before plus $4.50 is $6.50, plus a dollar tip is $7.50. That's $12.50. You still gotta mail me. You got the address?

Barney Polacek, Cab Driver in Boston:
Twin Oaks, Ohio. 1174 Kellerman La...

George Kellerman:
[furious] No, I'M Kellerman! Willow Tree Lane! 1174 Willow Tree Lane!

Gwen Kellerman:
[yells] George! George, he's got it. Come on!

George Kellerman:
He hasn't got it! All he's got is my $20.

[George and Gwen rush the board the train as it's departing]

George Kellerman:
I don't get my $12.50, you're gonna hear from me!

Barney Polacek, Cab Driver in Boston:
Barney Polacek! 391 Clancy Street, Boston, Massachusetts! Zip Code 02124!

George Kellerman:
[out of breath] He said Benny or Bernie? I don't know.

[George and Gwen finally made it to the Waldorf-Astoria]

George Kellerman:
Excuse me.

Winkler, the desk clerk:
Yes?

George Kellerman:
Mr. & Mrs. Kellerman, Twin Oaks, Ohio. We finally got here. Ha-ha.

Winkler, the desk clerk:
Do you have reservation?

George Kellerman:
Yeah, made by the Drexel Company through the Hilton Reservation Service.

Gwen Kellerman:
In Twin Oaks, Ohio.

George Kellerman:
You must be pretty busy putting people up in the lobby.

Winkler, the desk clerk:
Oh, it's the least we can do. With this transit strike, most of them have no way to get home, and there's not a room in this city tonight.

Gwen Kellerman:
Oh, that's very nice of you.

Winkler, the desk clerk:
Ah, here we are. George Kellerman?

George Kellerman:
That's it, Yeah. I hope you got a nice, big, dry bed.

Gwen Kellerman:
And a drug store open. I have to get an eyelash and tape for my ankles.

George Kellerman:
Uh, are there any seats on this train? huh?

[the conductor shakes his head "no"]

George Kellerman:
Oh, well don't you have anything in the parlor car or compartment or anything? I'll pay for it.

Train Conductor:
This train runs empty six nights a week exept when the New York airport is fogged in, then they fly 'em up to Boston and we could use four more cars.

George Kellerman:
Well why don't you put on four more cars?

Train Conductor:
Ain't got four more cars. Noboby takes the train anymore. Everyone is in a hurry.

George Kellerman:
You expect us to stand all the way to New York?

Train Conductor:
Not if you give me $11.00 each.

[George pays the fares]

Gwen Kellerman:
Is there a dining car?

Train Conductor:
Just sandwiches and drinks. The next car forward.

George Kellerman:
You know how long we were in line?

Gwen Kellerman:
Two hours.

George Kellerman:
Two hours. That's how long.

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
[hands a plate of food and coffee to a customer] Chicken sandwich and coffee.

George Kellerman:
Can we see a menu, please?

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
We just got sandwiches and drinks.

George Kellerman:
Oh. Eh, two Chicken sandwiches, please.

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
Sorry, no chicken.

George Kellerman:
Isn't that chicken?

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
Yeah, that's chicken. But when he eats that, that's the end of the chicken.

Gwen Kellerman:
They're out of chicken, George.

George Kellerman:
Got ham or cheese?

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
No ham.

George Kellerman:
Just cheese.

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
No cheese.

George Kellerman:
[under his breath] No cheese.

Gwen Kellerman:
What DO you have?

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
Peanut Butter on white bread.

George Kellerman:
What else you got?

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
More peanut butter on white bread. Ran out of everything a few minutes ago, ma'am.

Gwen Kellerman:
But don't you have anything else? My husband isn't allowed to eat peanut butter or white bread.

Waiter in Dining Car on Train:
I got saltine crackers and green olives. That's all, ma'am. We didn't expect 350 people tonight. No, ma'am.