The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Ashley Juergens:
I know everything and I have condoms.

Ashley Juergens:
Okay, now I see how this happened.

Amy Juergens:
[hears a knock on the door and thinks it's Ricky; flings open the door] What?

Ben Boykewich:
[in an apologetic voice] I was hiding in the bushes. I hope you don't mind. I was coming up the walk and I saw your dad pull up and I knew Ricky was inside so I- [Amy gives a relieved sigh and pulls Ben into her arms; Ben puts his arms around her, smiling] -got stuck.

Amy Juergens:
I don't mind. I don't mind at all. [They stay that way for a few moments until Amy feels the baby] [gasps slightly] Oh.

Ben Boykewich:
[quietly] No, no, no. Stay. It's okay.

Amy Juergens:
That bump? That's not me. It's the baby.

Ben Boykewich:
Yeah, I thought so. [smiles] The baby. Don't shut me out, Amy. Please don't shut me out.

Amy Juergens:
Mom's been waiting for you. You're gonna be late for school.

Ashley Juergens:
Yeah well at least I'm not gonna be late for my period.

Anne Juergens:
You can't run away from this, Amy. You have to face the fact that you are halfway through your pregnancy, and the baby's going to be here before you know it.

Amy Juergens:
[gasps suddenly, puts her hand on her stomach] Mom, I think the baby agrees with you. [sinks onto the bed, Anne and Ben following anxiously] I think it might be coming right now. [puts her hand on her stomach, gasps again] Mom, it's moving. It's really moving. [exchanges a glance with Ben] I thought I felt it before but I wasn't sure. Now I'm sure.

Ben Boykewich:
[concerned] Do you want me to call an ambulance?

Anne Juergens:
[smiling] It's okay. It's supposed to move. The baby's not coming right now. But it is coming.

Amy Juergens:
Mom, I don't think I can do this.

Anne Juergens:
You can do this, Amy. You can. You have to. [pulls Amy into her arms, Amy gasps once more] It's okay.

Lauren Treacy:
I just think you should see a doctor. And I would go to a doctor before you go to whoever this guy is. There may be something else wrong with you that's making you test for pregnancy, even though you're not pregnant.

Madison Cooperstein:
Oh yeah, like the monkey pox or like a flesh eating virus or something! I mean, that would be a relief!

Amy Juergens:
No, no, it would, she's right, I-I'm calling my doctor.

Lauren Treacy:
Wait, you're calling your doctor? Don't you think your mother should do that?

Amy Juergens:
You don't think I'm telling my *mother* about this, do you?

Lauren Treacy:
You have to! Either you're sick or you're pregnant! She's going to find out sooner or later.

Madison Cooperstein:
Why?

Lauren Treacy:
Because... she'll either *die* or have a *baby*.

Ben Boykewich:
[at the end of his first talk with the new counselor] Oh, uh, could I have a condom?

Marcelino Molina:
...For what?

Ben Boykewich:
You're going to need to know what a condom's for if you're going to make it in this job, Mark.

Marcelino Molina:
...Get out of my office!

Ashley Juergens:
[at the dinner table, talking about her day at school] Why do these people think there's something wrong with a belly button? It's not like everyone doesn't have one. I mean, *I* have one, *they* have one, *you* have one. Personally, I don't see the big deal if it shows, I mean, it's not like anyone else is covering their buttons...

Anne Juergens:
Well, they're supposed to. It's in the dress code.

Ashley Juergens:
Yes, Mother, but no one pays attention to the dress code.

Jack Pappas:
[in a football huddle in the locker room before a game] Father, forgive us for our many sins, for not being strong when temptation leads us astray... Give us the strength to do thy will... especially when it's much easier to give in to the pleasures of the flesh... Let us not be distracted by the women who are here to lead us in to situations that would lead us straight into hell and destroy our souls forever... but to cheer us on to victory... their short *skirts* and tight *sweaters*... and hot bodies...

Jack Pappas:
[in a football huddle in the locker room before a game] Father, forgive us for our many sins, for not being strong when temptation leads us astray... Give us the strength to do thy will... especially when it's much easier to give in to the pleasures of the flesh... Let us not be distracted by the women who are here to lead us in to situations that would lead us straight into hell and destroy our souls forever... but to cheer us on to victory... with their short *skirts* and tight *sweaters*... and hot bodies...

[Amy has told her friends that she had sex, and they want more details about it]

Amy Juergens:
It was nothing!

Lauren Treacy:
Okay, by *nothing*, you mean what?

Amy Juergens:
It was... not that great?

Madison Cooperstein:
And by not that great, you mean...?

Amy Juergens:
I'm not even sure it was sex, okay, guys?

Lauren Treacy:
Why not?

Amy Juergens:
I don't know! I didn't exactly realize what was happening until, like, after two seconds, and then it was just over. And it wasn't fun, and definitely not like what you see in the movies, you know, all romantic and stuff.

[Anne and Ashley are at the gas station, and a man stares at Ashley's cleavage]

Anne Juergens:
Give me a break! She's thirteen, you *pervert*!

Amy Juergens:
[tries to button up her pants and gives up] How am I going to fix this?

Madison Cooperstein:
Fix what? [awkward silence] Well, are we talking about it or not?

Amy Juergens:
Yeah. I mean, we're talking about the fact that my clothes no longer fit because I'm *fat*.

Madison Cooperstein:
Well, maybe we can get you like a big safety pin. You know, like the giant pins they put on... diapers?

Lauren Treacy:
And how long is *that* going to work?

Amy Juergens:
Okay, why are you always so negative?

Lauren Treacy:
I'm not *negative*, but sooner or later, you're going to have to tell your parents that you're... fat... and *why* you're fat.

Adrian Lee:
I hate you.

Ruben Enriquez:
Oh, wow, what a concept. My teenage daughter hates me.

[Ashley and George are in Amy's room, and Ashley is reading Amy's journal]

Ashley Juergens:
[reads aloud] You were the full moon at midnight, sending the sweetness of light into my cup of tea. [pause] Uh, she's not having sex.

George Juergens:
Are you sure?

Ashley Juergens:
Well, not *good* sex.

George Juergens:
What do you know about that? Good sex?

Ashley Juergens:
Dad, I know poetry and I know a cup of tea doesn't represent good sex. I don't think they're even hugging.

George Juergens:
I think it's time you and me have a talk.

Ashley Juergens:
Oh, Dad, please, this isn't the sex talk, right?

George Juergens:
Of course it's the sex talk. I figure if I have the sex talk with you, maybe you won't want to have sex.

Ashley Juergens:
Probably not.

George Juergens:
Okay, this is all you need to know...

Ashley Juergens:
[interrupts] Dad, I have internet access and a pregnant sister. I know where babies come from.

Ashley Juergens:
So am I going to school or what?

Anne:
No, not today. You should've told me about this.

Ashley Juergens:
That's my punishment for not telling you? Not going to school? Fine.

Amy Juergens:
Ben, I already told my mother that it's Ricky's baby.

Adrian Lee:
What'd you do that for?

Ben Boykewich:
Can you stay out of this, please? [turns to Amy] What'd you do that for?

George Juergens:
When was the last time you had fun?

Amy Juergens:
[looks down]

George Juergens:
Do NOT say at band camp.

Amy Juergens:
[starts to feel a particularly strong contraction] Oh, no. Get Mom.

George Juergens:
[begins to panic] Hold my hand. [to Ashley] Find your mother, hurry! [to Amy] Ow, baby, ow!

Amy Juergens:
What are you screaming about?

George Juergens:
Your nails! Ow! [Amy lets go and begins to cry] Oh, baby.

Amy Juergens:
Ow. I can't do this. I can't. Ow.

George Juergens:
Then don't. Just don't.

Amy Juergens:
[really begins to cry now] Daddy, help me.

George Juergens:
Oh honey, I wish I could. I wish I could.

Amy Juergens:
[still crying] I need Mom, it really hurts!

George Juergens:
Okay, okay, just hold on. Ashley went to go get your mother. It's going to be okay, all right? I promise you everything's going to be okay. [George gets upset as Amy winces terribly, her face scrunched up] Oh, sweetie.

George Juergens:
People want to believe that gays are born gay, but to me that implies theres a reason people are gay and to me that implies that there needs to be a reason I don't like people blaming being gay on genetics or anything else because no blame needs to be assigned. People are gay or they're not and it doesn't matter where that comes from... No one has found a gay gene and I question why we're even looking for one.

Grace Bowman:
Oh, my parents have plenty of sex.

Adrian Lee:
How do you know?

Grace Bowman:
I'm just assuming...

Ricky Underwood:
C'mon Adrian, I can't go this long without you... or someone.

Adrian Lee:
Thanks... I'm sure you mean that as a compliment.

Grace Bowman:
God help Adrian, because she's a b*tch!

Grace Bowman:
I wanna be married to Ricky.

Adrian Lee:
Are you kidding me? You caught us sleeping together!

Grace Bowman:
Oh, I thought you guys were having sex. [Adrian stares at her]

Grace Bowman:
I'm kidding.

Grace Bowman:
[to Adrian] You're the 'b' word!

Adrian Lee:
Oh, the 'b' word? What's the 'b' word, Grace?

Grace Bowman:
You know what the 'b' word is, Adrian, because that's what you are.

Adrian Lee:
Say it!

Grace Bowman:
No, I'm not gonna say it, I'm gonna say something else.

Adrian Lee:
What, a prayer? You little bible thumping two-faced virgin!

Grace Bowman:
Yeah, maybe! [puts hands together like she is praying] God, please help Adrian, because she's a b*tch!

Tom Bowman:
Good night Mrs. Calabash wherever you are.

[after Amy tells him that she's pregnant]

Amy Juergens:
I'm such a whore.

Ben Boykewich:
Well, you're my whore.

Amy Juergens:
I'm such a whore!

Ben Boykewich:
Well, you're my whore.

Marshall:
Do yourself a very big favor, okay? Go home before I pummel you.

Jack Pappas:
I thought you were a Christian.

Marshall:
Oh, that's right, I'm a Christian, so first I will smite you then I will pummel you. Go home.

Ben Boykewich:
My dad married the first girl he ever dated, they were eighteen when they got married.

Alice Valko:
That's different, that was in the eighties. Everyone was coked out and disco dancing back then. No one really knew what they were doing.

Ben Boykewich:
My parents never did coke. Disco... yeah.

Marshall Bowman:
[Jack comes to the Bowman house at night, asking to speak to Grace] Look, do yourself a very big favor, okay? Go home... before I pummel you.

Jack Pappas:
...I thought you were a Christian.

Marshall Bowman:
Oh, that's right, I'm a Christian. So first, I will *smite* you, *then* I will pummel you. Go home.

Adrian Lee:
You can't be serious. You can't be interested in that... *child*! [referring to Amy]

Ricky Underwood:
You know, some girls do it without broadcasting it to the whole school. Some girls are more discreet about their sex life than you are. Some girls have class.

Ricky Underwood:
Hey, it's Madison right?

Madison Cooperstein:
What do you want? And if it's sex, forget it.

Ricky Underwood:
No, but thank you for offering.