The Shaggy Dog

Tim Allen Living in a Dog's Life

Everything is going to the dogs.

Raise The Woof.

Dave:
Dr. Kozak.

Dr. Kozak:
Yes?

Dave:
I'm sorry I couldn't put you on stand.

Dr. Kozak:
Apology's not accepted. You know, Ken tells me if he steps down, you're gonna be the next district attorney.

Dave:
Well, that's my hope.

Dr. Kozak:
Certainly. Well hopefully, justice will be served. You have my support. As well as that, Grant & Strictland.

Lance:
Kozak, how is it going in court today?

Dr. Kozak:
Uh, Mr. Strictland, it goes well.

Lance:
Have you unlocked the dog's secret?

Dr. Kozak:
Let's not talk here. Hey, I've got something to show you that would interest you.

Lance:
Is that a snake's tail or a furry tail?

Dr. Kozak:
That would be a minor side effect.

Lance:
Kozak, growing a dog's tail would turn your serum into a criminal act.

Dr. Kozak:
You know, you need to relax and have a good work, and Lance, we'll found a good fountain of youth. (answers his cellphone) Security, Dr. Kozak.

Dr. Kozak:
When I called you to make sure these people were arrested?

Dave:
I understand that. If you arrest them, they'll turn into rebels that cause on a 6 o'clock news. If you leave them there, they're just kids laying on a sidewalk.

Dr. Kozak:
Good advice. Thanks for your help.

Dave:
You bet. (releases hand to shake hands)

Dr. Kozak:
I'm good.

Larry:
We've search the whole building.

Gwen:
But we're gonna keep looking.

Dr. Kozak:
Really?

Larry:
Yes.

Dr. Kozak:
In the same place or new places? 'Cause if you look the same place--

Larry:
I think new places.

Dr. Kozak:
Oh, yeah? Tell me your more.

Larry:
Definitely.

Dr. Kozak:
Larry?

Larry:
Yes?

Dr. Kozak:
Don't-don't speak. Do you understand the great white lines until you get this dog? Yes?

Gwen:
Yeah.

Dr. Kozak:
It's yes or no question, Larry.

Larry:
You said not to speak.

Dr. Kozak:
And the key to my future! So, It stands to reason that, if you don't find him, you won't have a future.

Larry:
Right.

Dr. Kozak:
Why are still standing here? No sleeping, no talking! Find him!

Judge Whittaker:
Mr. Douglas! Did you just growl at the opposing council?

Dave:
No. I need some water.

Judge Whittaker:
Do you need a brief recess?

Dave:
No thanks. I just-- (growls at Judge Whittaker)

Judge Whittaker:
Did you just growl at me?

Dave:
No, I had something caught in my throat. (growls at Judge Whittaker again, then drinks some water)

Judge Whittaker:
One more outburst and I'm holding you in comtempt.

Dave:
(barks) Silence! Quiet! Whoo! I think I could use a brief re--re...

Judge Whittaker:
Re-ecess. (bangs gavel) Ten minutes.

Tracy:
Football? That's why you're not trying out? You hate football!

Josh:
I know, but my dad loves. You should hear him. "Oh, you're gonna be just like your own man." If I told him I want to do musical instead, he'll like write me off as a son.

Tracy:
Josh, is your father a stupid man?

Josh:
He is clueless, which in some ways is better.

Dave:
(as a dog) Oh, boy.

Josh:
See, he told me I can play if I only keep my grades so I start flunking Math but he let me off with a warning. So now, I gotta flunk English, History, and Home Ec. Those are not really hard to fail.

Dave:
(as a dog) Oh, no, Josh.

Tracy:
So you rather wreck your future than tell your dad you hate football?

Josh:
I can get my grades back up as long as he gives me quitting time.

Tracy:
Wow. Men are so complicated.

(Tracy leaves)

Dave:
How did I let this happen? What kind of father am I?

Carly:
None of this would have happened if we hadn't stole Shaggy from Grant & Strictland.

Dave:
(as dog) You what? Stole him? You stole a dog from Grant & Strictland and you lied about it!

Trey:
(holds up bone) Fetch, boy!

Dave:
I am not your boy and I'm not gonna fe-- (Trey throws bone) Oh, hey, I'll be right back!

(Dave spies on Kozak and his scientists with Lance Strickland via. Airvent. Suddenly, Strickland begins to shake conversely.)

Gwen:
He's going to shock. It's the serum. It doesn't work.

Dr. Kozak:
Of course it works. Just couldn't give it to him.

Dave:
What have you done to him?

Dr. Kozak:
Lance? Lance, I'm so sorry that I have to do this to you, but I just couldn't let you take all of the credit again. Plus, you're a pig and I hate you. I hate you in so many ways. Could you hold this for a second? (hands the syringe to Larry) Get rid of it, accomplice.

Gwen:
But, is he...dead?

Dr. Kozak:
No, he's not dead. He's fully conscious, but he's unable to speak. The doctors will think he's dementia. The drug itself will wear off in a few months. But by then, I'll be CEO. And I will be famously, insanely, and imaginably wealthy!

Larry:
This was not part of the plan!

Gwen:
It's totally wrong.

Dr. Kozak:
Of course you cut those if you're not sure.

Larry:
Hold on.

Gwen:
It's fine with me.

Dr. Kozak:
Good. Larry, you park him in his desk for me. Or, should I say my desk?

Carly:
Shaggy, would you stop making such a-- That's impossible.

(The message reads "I am Dad".)

Dave:
(as a dog) Finally.

Josh:
How?

(Dave scramble the letters to make a word:
Grand and Strictland)

Josh:
Grant and Strictland?

Dave:
(as a dog) Yes.

Carly:
Well, Mr. Forrester said that they were making mutant animals. That's when I found Shaggy but Shaggy bit Dad. Oh, Daddy!

Dave:
(as a dog) It's okay, kiddo. It's okay.

Carly:
I'm sorry this is all my fault. Could you please forgive me?

Dave:
(as a dog) There's nothing to forgive.

Dave:
(as a dog) Here. This is what you love because if you keep playing football, you're gonna get hurt.

Josh:
Thanks, Dad.

Dave:
(as a dog) Here's something else.

(Dave shows a Math book)

Josh:
I know, I know.

Dave:
(as a dog) Deal?

Josh:
It's a deal.

Dr. Kozak:
I'm sorry you're a dog. I am also very sorry that you won't be leaving here alive. People will be wondering where you disappeared to. After all, dogs do wander off.

Dave:
(as a dog) I can't believe you think you'll get away with this, Kozak.

Dr. Kozak:
Unless before you die, we are going to run some tests on you. Eenie, meenie, minie, cut you, ow, your nose is coming off, because we just don't understand how you turned into him. I'm very excited. I just can't wait to get inside that body of yours and just poke around for--

(Dave bites Dr. Kozak's finger)

Dr. Kozak:
Oh, you filthy little mongrel! That wasn't very nice.

Dave:
(as a dog) Ooh, that hurt, didn't it?

Dr. Kozak:
We have to work on that attitude when I get back. Meanwhile, we run upstairs for a minute. It seems Dr. Strictland is having bit of a healthy crisis. After that on the court, just when Forrester back down to save his skin, we'll cut you like a birthday cake later.

Dave:
Dr. Kozak, is it true your company is working on a drug that will extend human life like a 100 years?

Dr. Kozak:
I am not at liberty to discuss that matter.

Dave:
Of course you're not. But if that were true, that would be pretty big deal, right?

Dr. Kozak:
If it were true, which it is not, probably.

Dave:
Whoever is in charge of developing such a thing, who will not be only insanely wealthy, they will be immortalize in history, right?

Dr. Kozak:
Yes, I suppose it would.

Dave:
Wow. What a thrill it must be to work under Dr. Strictland.

(Dr. Kozak scratches his ear)

Dr. Kozak:
Excuse me.

Dave:
Dr. Strictland, your creative force of your company, right?

Dr. Kozak:
Well, it takes many different people to contribute to the higher... (babbles)

Dave:
Yes, yes. What an honor it must be to work at Dr. Strictland's shadow.

Dr. Kozak:
No, no, I don't work at anyone's shadow. Why would I could live myself?

Dave:
Doctor's nothing wrong with second place. Second fiddle? Second bananas? Second up?

Dr. Kozak:
I am the chief scientist! I! Me! Mine! (starts growling)

Dave:
Oh, come on, you gone agitated self-dog pick a little virus in a lab, did you?

Dr. Kozak:
It must be something while you're around.

(Dave and Dr. Kozak begin to growl at each other)

Dave:
Well, that's the evidence of genetic mutation I don't know what is.

Judge Whittaker:
On second thought, Bailiff take him to custody.

Dr. Kozak:
For what? Just for little DNA, huh? Don't you morons realize I can make us all immortal? Animals don't care they don't even understand what is going on.

Dave:
Don't tell me they don't understand. Animals understand. I know different.

Dr. Kozak:
(laughs) This isn't over yet. We got so much in common. So, stay in touch, huh?

Dave Douglas:
I AM A DOG! PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE, EVERYBODY! I'M A DOG! I AM A DOG!

Dave Douglas:
To infinity... and beyond!