The State

Dad:
All's fair in love and war, Timmy.

Timmy:
Which one is this, Dad?

Dad:
Both!

Barry, Levon:
AAAAWWWW yeah!

Ms. Grant:
But what about my husband, General Lee, and the country?

Abe Lincoln:
I don't care about America, all I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country and everyone in it.

Guy in library:
Maybe you should try pants.

Announcer:
And now Louie, the guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again.

Louie:
Hey, everybody!

All:
Hey, Louie!

Louie:
Hey, who's got something to drink?

Woman:
I do... over there.

Louie:
What is it?

Woman:
A martini.

Louie:
A martini? I wanna dip my balls in it!

[Crowd cheers]

Louie:
Hey, whatcha got there?

Flemish Terrorist #3:
It's an M-16. What do you want with it?

Louie:
What do I want with it? I wanna dip my balls in it!

Flemish Terrorist #2:
I find him infectious and amusing this Louie character.

Louie:
Who's got some deviled eggs?

Woman:
I do.

Louie:
I wanna dip my balls in it.

Man:
Monogrammed silk handkerchief.

Louie:
I would like to dip my balls in it.

Flemish Terrorist #2:
Silence! Louie... a hand grenade?

Louie:
Ah hell who gives a damn? I wanna dip my balls in it!

Flemish Terrorist #3:
Top secret documents?

Louie:
I wanna file them!

Crowd:
Awwwwww... Louie?

Louie:
You've heard it all before.

Man:
No we haven't!

Louie:
You've heard it all before.

Flemish Terrorists:
No... *we* haven't.

Louie:
You've heard it all before!

All:
No we haven't!

Flemish Terrorist #1:
Say the catchphrase or the Prime Minister dies!

Prime Minister:
Don't say it on my account, Louie.

Louie:
I'm sorry, I can't say it.

All:
Louie! Louie! Louie! Louie!

Louie:
Hey, everybody...

All:
I wanna dip my balls in it!

Tammy Wilkins:
I guess I'll keep making these, as long as I stay bored in high school... which shouldn't be a problem, 'cause high school's really boring.

Louie:
I wanna dip my balls in it.

Kerri:
When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy-Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'm?

Kevin:
[singing] It's a marvelous day at the porcupine racetrack; we'll watch them little porkies run! The sun, the track and porcupines!

Kerri:
[singing] A recipe for fun!

Ben:
Racing form, Mr. Johnson?

Kevin:
Why, thank you, Jimmy! Here, get yourself a licorice whip!

Michael Showalter:
[echoing] Let's consider the gate "off-limits"... as a favor to me...

Kerri:
Before I found Fluffy-Soft, my clothes weren't half as soft as they are now!

Bear Puppet:
Because Fluffy-Soft... [Kerri sees it, screams and beats the crap out of it with the iron].

Ken:
I'm aware of my... pants.

Various:
I'm going to take a handful of bumpy chicks and loose them into my pants!

Various:
And then what Commandant Wheeler, I'm Doug, and I may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but I had sex with my girlfriend for 2 hours once.

Michael:
We all have secrets, for example... Tom, you are on...

Thomas:
Speed.

Michael:
Oh. I was gonna say 'probation'.

Thomas:
Whatever. hehe whatever, what-ever...

Captain Monterey Jack:
Brrring! Brrrring! Hello Cheese? No - Cheese can't dial a phone!

Old-Fashioned Guy:
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods... and fear them.

Barry:
Now I know what you're thinkin'

LeVon:
Barry and Le Von, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars?

Barry:
[shake head and put finger to mouth] Shhhhhh.

LeVon:
Aw yeah.

Barry:
Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby

LeVon:
It ain't your concern.

Barry Lutz:
Dr. Crank, in your many years of primate research, you've developed...

Dr. Crank:
Uh, research is such a restrictive term. I feel I've opened up a whole new arena of experimentation which I call "Monkey Torture".

Doug:
I'm Doug and I'm out of here.

Ken:
You know, I wouldn't mind having another serving of this... well what is this, fish?

Kerri:
Oh no, it's muppet!

Ken:
M... muppet?

Kerri:
Oh yes, we backed over one in the driveway yesterday and it just seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Now we've become quite the hunters. Would you like to see how to catch one? [Walks over to open window and calls through it:] Gee, I wish someone was here who could help me count to three!

Muppet:
[Appears in the window] Golly gosh! I'd be glad to...

Kerri:
[Grabs muppet and snaps it's neck brutally] See how easy?

Old-Fashioned Guy:
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it seems to me that when the giant that holds up the earth dies, we are screeewwwed!

Various:
It's hard enough fitting both the mail and the tacos in here. I'll level with you. These bags weren't designed for tacos.

Various:
That's kind of what I'm getting at, Jake.

Various:
Well, don't tell me you don't like the tacos.

Various:
[gets close, in his face] Jake, I love the tacos. They're maybe the best tacos I've ever had. But I think if I had to choose between the mail, and the tacos, I have to choose the mail.

Various:
Okay, I'm gonna take a breath here. I think you might be saying something you don't quite mean. What I'm hearing is, you don't want the tacos.

Various:
[drives by on the street] [stops] Great tacos today, Jake!

Ken:
Aren't you gonna ask me how my day was?

Kerri:
How was your day?

Ken:
Poopy. Another poopy day. I took #2 from every dumb-dumb in this mickey fickey neighborhood today. Thanks for asking dummyhead.

Kerri:
I'm not taking any more of your fudging bull puckey, you cockeyed fellow! I took it from my screwy flick of a father and I'm not gonna take it from a poop who's too wienerless to fight for his own stinky job!

Ken:
You pineapple! You fuzzy cootie!

Captain Monterey Jack:
This isn't a game here, ok. This isn't the NBA and my name isn't Charles Buckley.

Doug:
I'm Doug. I think tying shoes is for sissies.

Captain Monterey Jack:
Hey Doug, if I want to hear foul language I'll go home, I'll turn on Marky Mark and The Funny Bunch.

Various:
I'll never forget you, Antonio.

Various:
Nor I you. I will often think of you when I'm in less than pants.

Captain Monterey Jack:
Well I got to go guys but remember this- Thomas Edison was a great man, but he was a bastard to his wife and kids. I'm Captain Monterey Jack, thanks for your time!

Detective:
[into a bullhorn to terrorists] OK! If you want your money, come out of the building with your hands on top of your head!

Lead Terrorist:
[into a bullhorn back to the detective] Uh, can we bring our guns?

Detective:
[answering into bullhorn] Sure!

Several Policemen:
[whispering to detective] No, no, no.

Detective:
[re-answering into bullhorn] No!

Teacher:
Let's have a big hand for our 2nd Grade class and their show The Four Food Groups. They did it all themselves! Matt and Suzie painted the sets and they were beautiful. Steven and Wendy did the costumes and they were great. And little Billy wrote the script which I felt was trite, derivative, very slow and fell completely apart in the 3rd Act.

Man:
[stands up in auditorium] I agree! Where was the conflict? Where were the likeable characters? [he rips off his mustache] I wouldn't wipe my ass with Billy's The Four Food Groups!

Billy:
Daddy?

Drifter:
Sheriff, seven people are already dead!

Sheriff:
[pounds his fist on the desk] Young drifter, that's not true!

Dad:
You want to be treated like a man then start acting like one!

Hepcat:
I didn't tell you I quit the football team because I didn't think you'd understand my poetry.

Dad:
Again with the car... I work damn hard to put food on the table!

Hepcat:
Because I like my friends, dad. And I don't care if you think they're from the wrong side of the tracks.

Dad:
OK, so I had an affair! Are you gonna torture me for the rest of my life over it?

Hepcat:
Ricky died in a plane crash, dad! [holding back tears] I'm not my older brother.

Dad:
Get the hell out of here!

Hepcat:
With pleasure!

Coach Gunner:
[blows a whistle] Alright you little snot-nosed girls! I hope you got your crotch noseguards on! You athletes better be wearing your penile supporters! Jerry Johnson, whatchu do doin'?

Jerry:
[with a book in hand] I'm, uh, finishing The Catcher In The Rye.

Coach Gunner:
Whooo hoo hoo! Well do you wanna play sports today, missy? Or do you wanna read that pom-pom girly picture book?

Drifter:
I'm innocent! Sheriff, I didn't kill anybody!

Sheriff:
I know, young drifter! I'm just cranky!

Various:
Can't clowns and pirates just try to get along?

Various:
Hi there. I'm an on-air personality. Y'know, after a tough day of shooting my hit television series "The State", there's nothing I enjoy more than having some unprotected sex.

Old-Fashioned Guy:
Call me old fashioned but I still believe there is only one true God. And he lives in this lake. And his name is Zorgo.

Dad:
Doug, are these your cigarettes?

Doug:
Yeah and what if they are? You gonna send me off to grandma's house so that she can teach me pinocle and make me bland?

Dad:
No, can I bum one?

Doug:
Oh, yeah sure. No, dad! No! Like bumming a smoke from Doug is gonna make things copacetic twixt me and you. I'm Doug and you're dad. Teens and adults don't mix. Forget it, I'm outta... I'm outta herrrre.

Dad:
Doug, I found these in your drawer. What are they, son?

Doug:
They're propho's.

Dad:
I know that, Doug. Why do you have them?

Doug:
They're for my penis, dad. I stick 'em on my dinkus when I wanna have sex.

Capt. Monterey Jack:
Now I don't know what the guys from the MTV do with their lights, ok. I don't know what the guys from the Skin Doctors do with their lights, but I do know this: this little piggie went to the market, this little piggie stayed home and started an electrical fire because he didn't turn out his ightslay - that's "lights" in pig latin which is what happened to the piggie.

Old-Fashioned Guy:
Call me old-fashioned but I think that fire is magic, and it scares me a lot.

Capt. Monterey Jack:
It's like when Nike says "Just Do This".

Announcer:
And now... Louie! The guy who comes in and says his catchphrase over and over again!

Louie:
Who's got something to drink?

Man at party (Showalter,Michael):
I do.

Louie:
What is it?

Man at party (Showalter,Michael):
It's orange juice.

Louie:
Orange juice? Hey! I wanna dip my balls in it!

Capt. Monterey Jack:
My name is Capt. Monterey Jack and I'm not *tripping* here. But that's exactly what you folks will be doing if you don't tie your shoes.

Capt. Monterey Jack:
[to Kerri] By the way, your shoe's untied. Made you look! You have to know, you understand me? You have to always be aware!

Kerri:
[holding back tears] I love you, Capt. Monterey Jack!

Capt. Monterey Jack:
Alright, I'm not that crazy about you.

Capt. Monterey Jack:
Three things that are square: cheese, plates and bears.

Doug:
I'm Doug. I think tying shoes is for sissies.

Capt. Monterey Jack:
Hey Doug, if I want to hear foul language I'll go home, I'll turn on Marky Mark and the Funny Bunch!

Doug:
I may not be the brightest bulb in the planet but I've had sex with my girlfriend for two hours once.

Capt. Monterey Jack:
Who's got a question for the Captain?

Doug:
I'm Doug. What's a guy like me supposed to do to keep cheese fresh?

Capt. Monterey Jack:
OK Doug. You use what I call the three H's: that's head, heart, small plastic containers. God gave you a brain, Doug. Use it. Sit down.

Levon:
We had the 240...

Barry:
...we had to have the pudding.

Ben Garant:
Hey buddy, want some advice?

Michael Ian Black:
Sure.

Ben Garant:
If you want to meet women you should start wearing pants.

Various:
Hey Carl! Get off your lazy ass and get the man a grape soda, for cryin' out loud!

Barry Lutz:
Dr. Crank, I'm so sorry. It seems as though you won't be torturing monkeys any more.

Dr. Crank:
It would seem so... if that had been the ASPCA and not my friend, Terry, calling from backstage!

Kerri:
When you're out there on the court shooting hoops, you want a shoe that's gonna give you an edge. You want a sneaker that makes piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. And that's just what our shoes do: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Piggy Shoes: they make piggy sounds every time you step down on the heel. Isn't it about time your shoes made sounds like a piggy from the heel when you stepped down on 'em?

James Dixon:
You can't bargain with God. But you can bargain with me and I can bargain with God.

Michael Ian Black:
Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people think that once you get your own TV show it's really easy to get laid. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the only one of us who's getting any cookie at all is Marino and that's cuz he's a big, good-looking paisano.

James Dixon:
Peace be witchoo.

Various:
And also witchoo.

Undercover cop:
Tying your shoes, huh?

Little Girl:
Yeah tied.

Undercover cop:
Why? Are you on grass?

Kerri Kenney:
[Both doing voice-overs] This vacation, I will wear a bikini everywhere.

Michael Patrick Jann:
I will be drunk before 10 a.m.

Kerri Kenney:
I will use my charm to seduce a hand puppet.

Michael Patrick Jann:
I will pretend I am a priest and expose myself to donkeys.

Kerri Kenney:
I will make love to a clown.

Michael Patrick Jann:
I will send postcards to my socks.

Kerri Kenney:
I will break bottles with my ass.

Michael Patrick Jann:
I will be assassinated by monkeys.

Various:
[playing Battleship] B3?

Various:
That's a hit. That's my destroyer.

Various:
Well, you know the rules...

Various:
Yep. [Tom takes off his shorts]

Various:
You know this, uh, this game would be a lot more fun if I had *any* desire at all to see you naked.

Various:
Yep, yep. Ditto.

Counselor Gil Noonan:
Hey, Mr. Toink, what brings you by?

Barry Toink:
Counselor Noonan, never before have I needed your guidance and expertise more than I do now. What I need from you is a price check on a word that describes someone who constantly has his nose in books, who loves books, can't get enough books, will name all his children "Book", [talking more excitedly] worships a deity named Book, capital B-O-O-K! [takes a deep breath and exhales] Temper check... ok.

Counselor Gil Noonan:
Alright, Bar. Have you tried bibliophile?

Barry Toink:
Are you asking if I am one or if they threaten my sexuality?

Barry Toink:
[barges into the girls bathroom] Hello, ladies. Como esta?

Cheerleaders:
Hi Barry!

Barry Toink:
Endless apologies for the sudden entry but I find myself neck-deep in crisis. What do you call a guy who CAN'T KEEP HIS FACE OUT OF BOOKS? [he inhales and exhales] Temper check. Okay. One who loves to read is called a...?

Cheerleader #1:
God, that's such a good question.

Cheerleader #2 (Marcy):
I know this. That's a really good question and I totally know this.

Barry Toink:
Nothing? Nothing? Do we have it? Are we there? Do we have it? Are we locked on? Envelope please - and the winner is...?

Cheerleader #3:
I don't know. [to Cheerleader #2] Do you know, Marcy?

Cheerleader #2 (Marcy):
I don't know, Barry, like, "philosopher"?

Barry Toink:
Silver medal try, but no. Adiosay, ladies. I must seek knowledge and its bastard son, truth. [exits the bathroom]

Cheerleaders:
Bye, Barry!

Cheerleader #2 (Marcy):
See you later, maybe?

Michael Showalter:
Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people might think that big television stars like us are tempted to engage in some questionable social activities which really bothers us because we know there a lot of impressionable, young viewers out there. So we thought it'd be a good idea as responsible members of the MTV family...

David:
[walks on stage] And it *is* a family...

Michael Showalter:
- to set the record straight. First of all, we don't smoke cigarettes. And that's because we know cigarettes are bad for you.

Ken:
[walks on stage] And they're not sexy or fun to smoke.

Michael Showalter:
That's a really good point, Ken. And we don't drink beer. All day. Every day.

Ben:
[walks on stage] We don't spend our weekends drunk off our ass on Jagermeister smashing car windows...

Joe:
[walks on stage]... and I'm not drunk right now.

Michael Showalter:
And we don't do drugs. That is we don't smoke pot.

Michael Patrick Jann:
[walks on stage] You know, reefer. [makes air quotes]

Kerri:
[walks on stage with Kevin] And you know Special K which is a hospital anesthetic?

Kevin:
We never tried *that* at a party on Greenwich Street and it wasn't *really* cool.

Michael Ian Black:
[walks on stage] And none of us have ever been arrested for shoplifting CD's at Tower Records. Especially me.

Thomas:
[walks on stage] And if you're wondering if we ever picked up 3 underage girls in Georgetown, got them drunk and then crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo, I would have no idea what you were talking about.

Michael Showalter:
So there you have it. The only thing we do that's questionable, and I'm not even sure it is, is sell babies on the black market. I mean we make a lot of young married couples very happy and when you're buying in bulk, the profit margin per unit is just astounding.

[Todd walks on stage holding a baby and all cast members ooh and ahh]

Thomas:
[to the baby] You're my ticket to Monte Carlo, aren't you?

Michael Showalter:
[waving to the camera] Thanks for your time!

Thomas:
What would you say if I told you this computer chip had enough memory to store every book in every library in the world? Would you say I was lying? Are you calling me a liar? If you got something to say to me why don't you say it to my face? C'mon! C'mon! I will kill you man!

Barry Toink:
I must seek knowledge and it's bastard son, Truth.

Levon:
Barry baby, how much did this loveseat cost?

Barry:
Can you put a price tag on love?

Levon:
Let's just say we put it on layaway.

Levon, Barry:
Awwww, yeah.

Doug's Principal:
I don't want to be your "Princi-PULL", I want to be your "Princi-PAL"

Coach Jefferson:
There's a lot of teasing in the locker room, you know, just guy stuff. Fellas will call him "bologna for feet" or "sandwich feet" or "penis face".

Various:
What are you lookin' at, pigboy?

Various:
Hi. We're The State. Take a look at this [clicks remote to turn on a TV monitor showing Soul Asylum on Unplugged] . MTV's Unplugged. Great show, shot right here in New York City in front of a live studio audience. A live studio audience that does not incidentally include The State. No, we can't get in to see Unplugged. Why not? Well I asked one of the vice presidents here and obviously I'm not allowed to say what his name is so I just call him... Dirtbag. I said, 'Hey Dirtbag, how come we can't get in to see Unplugged?' And he gives me this whole rigamaroll about how we can't get 11 tickets for you guys and we only run the network and we probably can't even count that high. Now look at this [he pauses the TV on a shot of the audience] . There are 500 people in this audience, ok. You wanna know who gets to go see Unplugged? I'll tell you. You see her? [points to a woman on the TV] She works in Ad Sales. Now I don't know what her job is but apparently it involves talking to her boyfriend all day on the phone. You see this guy? [points to a guy on the TV and shouts] This is the genius who decided to put our show on Saturdays at 7:30! Way to go, Boy Wonder! And the last time we tried to sneak into Unplugged, [points to another woman on TV] this is the b*tch who kicked us out! Now obviously I'm not allowed to say what her name is but it's Blair. [points to another guy on TV and shouts] And there's Dirtbag! You can't get us 11 tickets? I want to show you something [clicks remote and TV now shows The Real World Season 2 clips] The Real World goes to Mexico! It's not like these are nice people, ok, these are 7 of the most annoying people in the world. They're spending a week in paradise and I can't even get in to see Duran Duran? Where's the justice? And you want to know what happened in Mexico because I'll give you the highlights right now, ok. Dominic got drunk and passed out on the beach and Annoying Beth - not Lesbian Beth - crashed her moped into a curb. You don't see The State crashing mopeds into curbs! You don't see The State getting drunk and passing ou- I mean, we get drunk and pass out but we do it right here in America!

All:
[cheering and clapping] Yeah!

Penelope LeBogg:
Where do you look for inspiration?

Otto Bimini:
First, I look at my penis. And then I look for a theme such as heat or pumpkins or dogma. And then with this in mind, I look back at my penis and let the dream begin.

Various:
When your children say they want to go outside and play, don't let them... They might be in Chinatown running guns for the yakuza.

Rick Spade:
It's time for our next guest. What's his racket, Pete?

Pete:
[in a Peter Lorre voice] He's a juggler, Rick. He juggles things.

Pete:
[in a Peter Lorre voice] What's the matter, Rick?

Rick Spade:
We gotta cut to a commercial. After that, some broad is gonna come out here and do 10 minutes of stand-up that'll rip your heart out.

Otto Bimini:
These are store-bought Fruit Of The Loom underpants which have been signed by me. Or one of my assistants.

Various:
When your children say they want to go outside and play, don't let them. They might be in New York City getting plowed at a strip club that doesn't card.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, in just 20 seconds Bill Anderson of Phoenix, Arizona, will have set a new world record for sitting on a couch and talking about the movie "Paris, Texas".

Announcer:
Next week on "Lt. Saul Bitterson: Miraculous Fetishist of the US Navy"...

Ben:
[a big explosion shakes the battleship] We've been hit! Quickly, drop this potted plant on my foot and then bite my ass!

Bill:
I'm barn folk, Mr. Malport! And your fancy door-closing ways will never change that!

Bill:
Everyone at school makes fun of me because I'm different - because I'm... barn folk.

Mom:
Well barn folk are different.

Dad:
First of all, we live in a barn. And we smell real bad from all the filthy animals.

Announcer:
Next week on a very special Just The 160,000 Of Us...

Kerri:
Bob, Susan... Latifa, Rhonda, Cindy, Mandy, Bambi, Babs, Coach Farnsworth, Dr. Gaines, Nurse Reynolds, Sly, Ice Pick, Equay-Equay, Colonel, Aunt Mae, I found these [holds up a bag of drugs] in DeeDee, Karen, Wendy, Lobo, Ashley, Tanner, Half Pint and Fatty's room.

Various:
Are you the spokesperson for your generation?

Tammy Wilkins:
I don't understand the question. You're scaring me.

Louie:
Who's got a plate of something?

Apostle:
I do!

Louie:
What is it?

Apostle:
Potato kugel!

Louie:
I wanna dip my balls in it!

Tammy Wilkins:
I guess I'll keep making these as long as I stay bored in high school... which shouldn't be a problem, 'cause high school's really boring.

Various:
He's a Hunkasaurus Rex.

Ken:
Polar Bears in favor of eating Charlie?

All:
Aye!

Michael:
Wait a second! What about his family?

Ken:
We're not that hungry!

Ken:
Hi, I'm Ken Marino.

Michael:
And now say something personal about yourself.

Ken:
No.

Michael:
Okay. Ken's feeling a little shy about saying something personal and I don't want to push him because he'll hit me. Right?

Ken:
Yeah.

Michael:
I'm Michael Ian Black but my real name is Michael Schwartz, which I changed because I'm ashamed of being Jewish.

Various:
I'm going to make love to this floor covering right here, right now!

Various:
Stop kissing my former wife!