The Thin Blue Line

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Keen of eye, swift of thought, and regular of bowel.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
The artful dodger was a thief. And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so "at home" in a juvenile detention center, which is where I'd have put him. Thieving is thieving and no amount of oom-pa-pa or boom-titty-titty will change that.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
[talking about drugs] When I was a teenager, my idea of chemical stimulation was sucking on a Fisherman's Friend!

[P.C. Goody and P.C. Habib start chuckling]

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
What is so funny, goody?

P.C. Goody:
Well sir, you just said your idea of chemical stimulation was sucking on a Fisherman's Friend!

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
So?

P.C. Goody:
Well, everyone knows they're AWFUL!

[Sergent Patricia Dawkins nearly cast as tomahawk in Peter Pan panto last year]

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
You'll be a wonderful red indian maid.

Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
That's silly little costume, my thigh's too fat.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
What an absurd thing for you to say.

Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
You're saying that just to be nice.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
No, I'm sure there's a number of red indians have fat thighs.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
'cause you know what'll happen Raymond, don't you - it'll be your cock up - my arse!

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Just remember Raymond, it's my arse and if you stuff it, I'm going to be very red in the face.

P.C. Goody:
[when sitting on Inspector Fowler's shoulder for a role play exercise] Ow! Mind my love blobs! And er... dont bend my Curly Wurly please!

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I doubt Constable Goody would "get it", if it came in a large bag marked, "IT".

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
This can be summed up in one word - organised crime.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
[to Inspector Grim] You have all the intelligence of a Pot Noodle.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[about how to deal with persistent offenders] You nick 'em, you lock 'em up and you throw away the door!

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[after Inspector Fowler has picked him up on his use of grammar] Is that so! Well rearrange this then: Bugger and Off. I mean Off and Bugger.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I doubt Patricia will get anything warm and satisfying inside her tonight.

[Inspector Fowler is discussing political correctness with his constabulary and Grim thinks he is wasting his time]

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
What "ism" ever robbed a bank? What "ism" ever mugged anybody? What "ism" ever put a gun to somebody's head?

DC Gary Boyle:
[Reading a book] Terrorism?

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Yeah alright. What "ism" ever threatened the security of the state?

DC Gary Boyle:
[Still reading] Marxism?

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
What "ism" ever hurt anyone?

DC Gary Boyle:
[Still reading] Sadism?

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Boyle! D'you think they'd do a uniform your size?

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Start stringing words together willy-nilly and it can lead to no end of confusion. Constable Kray let me have your notebook. [Takes notebook and starts to read] . Look here. "The criminal ran round my side and out the back at a colossal lick". Jumble up the words and suddenly you have "The criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran."

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Obstructing CID in the course of their investigations, Raymond? That's a very serious offence, I've half a mind to charge you!

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
You have half a mind... full stop!

Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
[reading the card attached to the champagne and chocolates Raymond has given her] To my dearest Maggie, spelled with one g and a y. Sorry about arresting the lollipop man any chance of a bunk up later, love Kevin.

Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
[Slaps Raymond and walks off]

Const. Maggie Habib:
[Slaps Kevin and walks off]

P.C. Goody:
[to Inspector Fowler] Do you think we got away with it, sir?

Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
We are not the first, and we won't be the last couple to have problems with our sex life.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
We do not have a problem.

Sergent Patricia Dawkins:
We don't have a sex life!

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Exactly, so I can hardly see how there could be a problem with it!

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[trying to get on the internet] I've booted up, I've patched in, I'm online, offline, downloaded [shouts] and extremely cheesed off!

DC Robert Kray:
You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
What?

DC Robert Kray:
Plug it in!

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I've been liaising with some *geeeeeezers* from 'The Met'; pooling our intelligence.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Goodness. Between you, you must have made an imbecile.

Const. Frank Gladstone:
We gave our dog a bad name... Colin. Terrible name! You have no idea how many people are called Colin. We'd go to the park - I'd shout, "Come here, Colin!", and fifteen people would turn around. Big people too, sir. I mean for some reason all the big lads get called Colin. I mean - I'd shout, "Colin, you're a bad boy! I just saw you do a caca. And now, I'm going to rub your nose in it." The next thing I knew, I wake up in an ambulance.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Ooooh, I hate Christmas! I reckon Scrooge was right, with his bag of humbugs.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
A fat cat, spinning his web with his tentacles in every pie

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I've got a tough job Raymond, and I need your cooperation. Now it's pretty urgent, so I won't beat around the proverbial privet. Frankly I'm too busy a man to be cluck-clucking like a decapitated feathered fowl, so I'll get straight to the point.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I'm very happy to hear that.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Time waits for no man as the proverb goes, and what I say is, in CID crime waits for no man. So, with that in mind, I shall cut the bovine feces altogether. This is CID work, and in CID, we dispense with niceties, we avoid irrelevance, disregard herrings, red or otherwise, and above all, we do not fanny about!

Const. Frank Gladstone:
I could not tell you why all the women I have ever loved say to me "I've got a fat bottom!", and when I say "Yes, I like it!", they throw the dinner at me!

Const. Maggie Habib:
Is that a baton you have in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

P.C. Goody:
Actually, it's a Mars bar.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Now, the Metropolitan force will police the Chelsea crowd, and a gang of nasty, ill-mannered yobs they're likely to be.

Const. Maggie Habib:
I think you're being prejudiced, sir, most supporters are genuine fans.

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
I wasn't talking about the fans, Habib, I was talking about the Metropolitan Police.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
Well, explain this then. What is it about the inability of women to get out of the house?

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I say, "Tina, we are leaving at 7:30... That's 7:30, not a quarter to 8:00, not next year, not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects which only live for a day- which she'd spend in the bathroom; putting mascara on her antennae, trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple eyes; lipstick in her spiracles; and blonding her follicles.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I shout, "come on, Tina!" She says, "I've got to put my face on, haven't I?"

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I say, "right.I'm waiting in the car.She says, "wait in the car."

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I say, "I will wait in the car." she says, "right, go wait in the car."

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
I say, "I'm going out to the car." She says, "you go to the car."

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
It grinds you down!

[Fowler walks in on Mr. Dibbley who's holding Pat, Habib, Goody and Gary in a "hold-up"]

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
*What* is going on here?

Sgt. Patricia Dawkins:
Watch out Raymond, it's the terrorist. He's armed!

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
I appreciate your concern, Patricia, but this man is no more a terrorist than I am Joanna Lumley. He is in fact, a looney.

[reveals that Mr. Dibbley's gun is really a spoon]

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
[referring to Terry the Tank] Listen! The bloke is laughing at the law. If you're not careful, division'll hand it over and we'll have the flying squad back.

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
You really think so?

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
Of course we will if all we're doing is fannying about!

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
I don't care much for the flying squad I must say. You know the last time they were here, one of them left chewing gum under my desk! I mean what sort of mentality! The state of the lavatories! It was almost as if they were aiming for the floor! These men are trained marksman for heavens sake!

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
All I can say is, if you're ever cornered by one, head for the gents and hide in the urinal because they're uncapable of hitting it!

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
We're not talking about a honey trap, just a bit of intelligence gathering. CID cannot operate without intelligence!

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
Well, you seem to have managed very well up until now.

[about a royal crest with the initials "ER"]

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
Well if you knew that this crest represented the authority of Her Majesty the Queen, what in the devil's briefcase did you imagine "ER" stood for?

Const. Kevin Goody:
"Er" in the palace.

Detective Inspector Derek Grim:
[after an argument with Fowler] Yeah? Well, when I'm a Chief Superintendant at Scotland Yard, you'll be sorry!

Inspector Raymond C. Fowler:
Should that day ever dawn, Inspector Grim, we'll ALL be sorry!

Brigadier Blaster Sump:
Here's your gear. You'll find everything you could possibly need from lavatory paper to sand paper. Don't confuse the two! I did myself once. Not a wholly unpleasant experience, but then I went to Charterhouse.

[about a woman who had loud sex in her garden]

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
Is that woman still at it? I suppose you better bring her in.

DC Robert Kray:
No good asking her to come quietly, I suppose.

Darren Grim:
You ain't got no right to search me.

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
Now there you are wrong; I have every right to search you. Indeed, if I suspect you of possessing drugs, I am entitled to conduct an *internal* body search. Involving a rubber glove and a large spoon. Would you like me to suspect you of possessing drugs?

Sgt. Patricia Dawkins:
If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat, you'll be blowing bullets out your backside!

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
A real, live, ARMED bank robbery? God, I'm so happy, I could cry!

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
I weep for our country, I really do. Did you know 12 year olds in Holland and Belgium can already speak fluent English?

Const. Kevin Goody:
They're no cleverer than British children, Sir! My niece is only 10, and she can speak fluent English.

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it?

Sgt. Patricia Dawkins:
You're a bloody idiot! You know that, don't you? A bloody idiot!

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
Please, Sgt Dawkins, we are on duty. I'm not an idiot, I am your commanding officer. I'm only an idiot between 1 o'clock and 2 o'clock, after 6:30 and at weekends!

Sgt. Patricia Dawkins:
Well, I'm not on duty, so you are! An idiot, a pompous twit and a pain in the backside!

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
All I know is, if it is genuine, my arse will be on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
Crockett, I need profiles on all known terrorists in the South-East. Kray, phone the Home Office! Phone the Armed Response Unit! Get me a tea, milk, four sugars!

DC Robert Kray:
In what order, Sir?

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
Blimey, Kray! Where were you dragged up? Milk in first, tea next, sugar after.

Const. Kevin Goody:
Is this one of those brain-teasers, Sir, where Cleopatra turns out to be a goldfish?

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
[looking through the pile of criminal files] Juvenile! Juvenile! Juvenile!

D.C. Crockett:
More juvenile, Sir!

Det. Insp. Derek Grim:
Just once in a while I'd like to nick someone whose balls have dropped!

Const. Maggie Habib:
Morning Pat. You alright?

Sgt. Patricia Dawkins:
Ooh, it's Raymond, he's getting worse. Do you know, last week I found him in bed with a model?

Const. Maggie Habib:
No!

Sgt. Patricia Dawkins:
We've still got bits of balsa wood stuck to the duvet.

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
[after being reminded about going to to the bank] No I won't forget, Patricia. Of course it would be easier to go now, and for that very reason the bank is closed, it being a basic principle of British banking that the customer is to be avoided at all costs.

Insp. Raymond C. Fowler:
I once possessed a whoopie cushion. I never deployed it, of course, but the capacity was there.

Stallion:
Who owns a Nissan Micra in the car park?

D.I. Derek Grim:
Who are you?

Stallion:
Carlton, MI5.

D.I. Derek Grim:
Oh, it's mine as a matter of fact. Lovely little motor, do you fancy a spin?

Stallion:
You dinged my Aston.

D.I. Derek Grim:
[Realizing he's talking to the man that dinged him] Do you drive an Aston Martin?

Stallion:
A dinged Aston Martin, dinged by you.

D.I. Derek Grim:
You dinged me!

Stallion:
I did not, you dinged me!

D.I. Derek Grim:
No way mate, you dinged me!

Stallion:
Learn how to drive!

D.I. Derek Grim:
You learn to drive!

Stallion:
Get some glasses!

D.I. Derek Grim:
Get... a hearing aid!

Const. Maggie Habib:
[to Patricia] Come on. Let your guard down, let your hair down, let your mother down.