Tommy Boy

Gas Station Employee:
I'm picking up your sarcasm.

Richard Hayden:
Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Tommy:
Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.

Ted:
I'm listening.

Tommy:
Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.

Ted:
Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy:
'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.

Ted:
What's your point?

Tommy:
The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.

Ted:
But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?

Tommy:
Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of sh*t. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.

Ted:
Hmm. Okay, I'll buy from you.

Tommy:
Well I... What?

Tommy:
I left a message.

Richard Hayden:
Really, what number did you call?

Tommy:
Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...

Richard Hayden:
I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy:
It was a cordless.

Richard Hayden:
You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

Tommy:
Where are we gonna take the deer?

Richard Hayden:
I dunno, the vet?

Tommy:
You take dead animals to the vet?

Richard Hayden:
Why not? I'd take you to the vet.

Tommy:
Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...

Richard Hayden:
Got that?

Tommy:
Shut up.

Richard Hayden:
I can practically hear you getting fatter.

Michelle:
Listen you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.

Richard Hayden:
Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

Tommy:
Did you hear I graduated?

Richard Hayden:
Yeah and just a shade under a decade too, all right.

Tommy:
You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard Hayden:
I know, they're called doctors.

Richard Hayden:
No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.

Tommy:
I've seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that... was... AWESOME. Oh, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.

Tommy:
I passed. Oh man,

Tommy:
I GOT A D+. I'm gonna graduate!

Tommy:
I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward. I'M GONNA GRADUATE!

Tommy:
You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it?

Richard Hayden:
Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

Tommy:
I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard Hayden:
I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy:
Your... Your brain has the shell on it.

Richard Hayden:
Are you talking?

Tommy:
Shut up, Richard.

Richard Hayden:
You have de-railed...

Tommy:
Shut up Richard!

Tommy:
Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat

Richard Hayden:
Housekeeping, you want me for pillow?

Tommy:
Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Richard Hayden:
Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?

Tommy:
What kind of hotel is this?

Tommy:
Who the hell are... Oh it's you.

Richard Hayden:
Good morning, Sunshine.

Tommy:
If I wanted a kiss I'd call your mother.

Tommy:
Does this suit make me look fat?

Richard Hayden:
No, your face does.

Tommy:
You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks this wind doesn't pick up, cuz if it does I'm gonna sail over there and shove an oar up your ass.

Michelle:
I saw your step mom and your step brother and he was kissing her.

Tommy:
So?

Michelle:
With his tongue.

Tommy:
UGH.

Richard:
He's doing his mommy?

Tommy:
Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.

Paul:
Does it make a difference?

Tommy:
Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?

Paul:
Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy:
God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul:
And?

Tommy:
They fall over, hee, hee, hee.

Paul:
And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?

Tommy:
We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.

Ray Zalinsky:
Ted, send over a bottle of bubbly in a bucket of ice and a card. Have the card read, "Tough luck, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."

Richard Hayden:
Okay, it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?

Tommy:
No sh*t from anyone.

Richard Hayden:
No.

Tommy:
Um, we don't take no prisoners.

Richard Hayden:
We don't take no for answer.

Tommy:
Oh yeah... We don't take no for answer! We don't we don't take no for an answer

Tommy:
no line

Tommy:
no line

Ray Zalinsky:
Goin' a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there kid?

Tommy:
No, it's an auto air freshener.

Ray Zalinsky:
Good, you've pinpointed it, now the next step is washin' it out.

Richard Hayden:
And, the life vests, these you might need. But what are the chances of us hitting a lake. If my money says anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

Richard Hayden:
Ok, here is Tommy, he's gonna help me with my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.

Richard Hayden:
It's called reading-top to bottom-left to right-group words together into sentences-take tylenol for any headaches-midol for any cramps.

Richard Hayden:
Mommy, mommy, the Rhino's getting to close to the car.

Tommy:
Him too afraid to get out, him's just a little guy.

Richard Hayden:
All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.

Tommy:
Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!

Tommy:
Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?

Richard Hayden:
Okay let's get some shut eye.

Tommy:
Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?

Tommy:
Huh, huh, it's a clip-on

Richard Hayden:
Are you sure?

Tommy:
Hey, What's your name?

Helen:
Helen.

Tommy:
That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into some guys office and let's say hes even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh , my pretty little pet, I love you. So I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it, hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, your naughty. Then I take my naughty pet and I go

Tommy:
Uuuuuuh. I killed it. I killed my sale. That's when I blow it. That's when people like us gotta forge ahead, Helen, am I right?

Helen:
God, you're sick.

Stewardess:
I can get you on a flight coming BACK from Chicago. Does that help?

Richard Hayden:
Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?

Stewardess:
I don't think so.

Richard Hayden:
Oh, that has to be you. Spray that thing for bugs?

Richard Hayden:
Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.

Tommy:
Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

Richard Hayden:
True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space. I swear to God, you're worthless.

Richard Hayden:
Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.

Tommy:
Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.

Paul:
You eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

Tommy:
Ha ha ha, why?

Tommy:
Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE EMBUNKMENT.

Richard Hayden:
Awww, I've interrupted 'happy time'.

Tommy:
Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.

Tommy:
Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky.

Richard Hayden:
I need your John Hancock.

Tommy:
It's HERBIE Hancock.

Richard Hayden:
What did I say about eating in the car anyways?

Tommy:
It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?

Richard Hayden:
What is the carrying charge for our warehouse?

Tommy:
Geez, I knew this one. Uhhhhhhh.

Richard Hayden:
One and a...

Tommy:
...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?

Richard Hayden:
Try an association such as; Let's say the average person uses ten percent of his brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is filled with malted hops and bong resin.

Tommy:
Luke, I am your fa-ther.

Tommy:
Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.

Richard Hayden:
Yikes.

Richard Hayden:
Okay... seatbelts. Just put the little thing into the big thing and... I tell ya what. If you don't know how to fasten your seatbelt, just raise your hand and I'll have Tommy Boy here come back there and hit you in the head with a tack hammer because you're a RETARD.

Paul:
These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.

Ted:
Oh yeah, I buy break pads from him. I thought we were watching cartoons.

Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III:
No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she'd definitely be "Boner of the Month".

Paul:
I'm honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?

Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News:
And is this why you have a bomb strapped to yourself?

Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III:
It's not a bomb. It's road flares.

Ray Zalinsky:
Road flares? Did you grow up under power-lines?

Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III:
Ha ha ha, why?

Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III:
Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!

Young Richard:
Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.

Young Tommy:
Shut up, Richard!

Tommy is bullcharging across campus as he is late to a final exam. He makes it just as the professor is handing out exam sheets

Question #1:
Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock.

Tommy:
(writes down) Herbie.

Tommy:
[gets off the airplane] Richard Hayden!

Richard:
Tommy.

Tommy:
Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?

Richard:
He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

Tommy:
He said he had a surprise for me.

Richard:
Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.

Tommy:
I did call, earlier, when... using the phone.

Richard:
Earlier? When was that?

Tommy:
Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message.

Richard:
A message? What number did you call?

Tommy:
Two... four.. niner... five, six seven...

Richard:
I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy:
No, it was cordless.

Richard:
You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

Tommy:
Did you hear I finally graduated.

Richard:
Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy:
Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard:
I know. They're called doctors. [looks behind Tommy as his luggage comes out] Oh, that has to be you.

Richard:
You spray that thing for bugs?

Tommy:
Man, did I get douched with mud!

Paul:
Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]

Tommy:
Oh, man, that's cold! [he dances and starts singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before! [Paul then sprays him in the face to clean the mud off]

Paul:
Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

Tommy:
[laughs] Why?

[Richard tries to fix Tommy's tie, but it falls off]

Tommy:
[laughs] It's a clip.

Richard:
Ha ha, you sure? All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no--

Tommy:
No sh*t from anyone!

Richard:
No.

Tommy:
Um, we don't take no prisoners!

Richard:
We don't take no for answer.

Tommy:
Oh yeah.

Tommy:
Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?

Mr. Brady:
[confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.

Tommy:
No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.

Richard:
Wow...

Mr. Brady:
Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -

Tommy:
Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!

Richard:
[to Mr. Brady; pulls out a business card] We'll keep in touch.

Richard:
Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.

Tommy:
Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

Richard:
True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space! I swear to God, you're worthless!

Tommy:
I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad.

Richard:
That's right, you're not your dad! He can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

Tommy:
Ketchup popsicle?

Richard:
Yeah, I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father, but he looked out for me. But you, he was your father and you just took it for granted. "Hey, look, I'm Big Tom's son. He can fix anything, so I'm allowed to be a moron!"

Tommy:
THAT'S IT!! Come on! Get out of the car! It's go time, you and me!

Richard:
[imitating a little kid] Look, mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car.

Tommy:
[imitating a mother] Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy.

Richard:
That's it. I'm gonna wail on you [gets out of the car] You're going to regret volunteering for this job.

Tommy:
Hey, boys and girls, It's Papa Smurf!

Richard:
You don't want none of me, think it through.

Tommy:
Come on, Gimme your best shot. I'll give you a free one Let me have it. [Richard punches Tommy in the face] That's it? Come on. you can do better than that, can't ya, Captain Limp Wrist? Try again! [Richard punches him in the face again] Hey everybody, Is there a window open? I feel a draft! [Richard punches Tommy in the stomach, then punches him in the face again] If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother! [Richard then strikes Tommy in the face with a 2x4 piece of wood, which breaks in half] That was a good one. [is knocked out as he drops to the ground]

Richard:
[drops the broken 2x4 and looks up at the abandoned Prehistoric Forest] Hey, Prehistoric Forest.

Tommy:
Hey, what's your name?

Helen:
Helen.

Tommy:
That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. [holds a dinner roll] Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Helen:
God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw on some wings for you.

Tommy:
Hey, thanks, Helen. [in a childish voice] Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy!

Richard:
[to Tommy, regarding his street-wise scenario] Did that board to the head knock something loose?

Tommy:
Why?

Richard:
That 180 you just pulled with the waitress. Why can't you sell like that?

Tommy:
I was just havin' fun.

[Richard knocks on the door, impersonating the maid, while Tommy tries to sleep]

Richard:
Housekeeping?

Tommy:
No thank you. Sleeping.

Richard:
Housekeeping?

Tommy:
Come back in an hour.

Richard:
Housekeeping, you want towel?

Tommy:
No towels. Need sleepy.

Richard:
Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?

Tommy:
Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Richard:
Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?

Tommy:
[gets out of bed] What kinda hotel is this?... [opens the door] Oh, it's you.

Richard:
Good morning, sunshine.

Reservationist:
Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?

Richard:
Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?

Reservationist:
I don't think so.

Richard:
Mr. Callahan, I'm going to need your John Hancock on these papers.

Tommy:
John Hancock, haha. It's Herbie Hancock.

Tommy Callahan:
[repeated line] Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

Tommy Callahan:
[repeated line] Holy schnikes!

Tommy Callahan:
[repeated line] Shut up, Richard!

Tommy Callahan:
Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show... [passes out]

Tommy Callahan:
Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward.

Tommy Callahan:
[During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded.

Tommy Callahan:
What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't...

Tommy Callahan:
[During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!

Tommy Callahan:
Not here, or here so much... but right 'here'.

Tommy Callahan:
[Sitting on a park bench with Richard] Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. [Bench collapses under him] ...Could've done without that.

Tommy Callahan:
R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

Richard Hayden:
It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? [points to Tommy] Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

Richard Hayden:
Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

Richard Hayden:
He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?

Richard Hayden:
Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.

Richard Hayden:
Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.

Richard Hayden:
Yikes.

Quit playing with your dinghy.

Kids:

Hey you ain’t moving!

No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!

Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!

Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy

Your sail is limp, like your dick!

Cow Farmer:
Hey! Get off my property!