Uncle Buck

Bug:
Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.

Buck:
Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh

Bug:
I don't get it.

Buck:
You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh!

Marcie Dahlgren-Frost:
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.

Miles:
That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season!

Maisey Russell:
I'll bet she's getting the tongue!

Miles:
Where do you live?

Buck:
In the city.

Miles:
You have a house?

Buck:
Apartment.

Miles:
Own or rent?

Buck:
Rent.

Miles:
What do you do for a living?

Buck:
Lots of things.

Miles:
Where's your office?

Buck:
I don't have one.

Miles:
How come?

Buck:
I don't need one.

Miles:
Where's your wife?

Buck:
Don't have one.

Miles:
How come?

Buck:
It's a long story.

Miles:
You have kids?

Buck:
No I don't.

Miles:
How come?

Buck:
It's an even longer story.

Miles:
Are you my Dad's brother?

Buck:
What's your record for consecutive questions asked?

Miles:
38.

Buck:
I'm your Dad's brother alright.

Miles:
You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.

Buck:
How nice of you to notice.

Miles:
I'm a kid - that's my job.

Buck Russell:
If you think this is big, wait until you see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

Buck Russell:
Her dad?

Bob Russell:
Hard to say.

Buck Russell:
Oh, those medical terms eh?

Buck Russell:
I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing

Buck Russell:
off your face! Good day to you, madam.

Buck:
Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.

Tia:
What are you doing here?

Buck:
I was just driving by with Miles and Maisey going out for some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.

Tia:
I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!

Buck:
Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your boyfriend Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is Bug?

Bug:
An ax?

Buck:
Sort of, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.

Bug:
I'll pass.

Buck:
Fair enough. I like to carry it around because you never know when your going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a knat. You're not a knat are you Bug? Wait a minute, bug, knat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.

Tia:
I'm sorry. He's very over...

Bug:
Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want you uncle to sic an ax on me.

Tia:
He's all talk.

Buck:
Here it is! Come over here, Bug! Come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay. Let go Tia!

Tia:
Uncle Buck?

Buck:
Yeah?

Tia:
Got a minute?

Buck:
Sure I got lots of minutes.

Tia:
Now that everything's okay with my grandfather and my parents will be coming home on Saturday, I want to go out tomorrow night to his party that...

Buck:
You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.

Tia:
You just can't find any way to be cool can you?

Buck:
You mean easy? No.

Tia:
I mean decent!

Buck:
You mean blind!

Tia:
Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? Think about it. How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up sh*t creek and got stuck!

Buck:
Get used on your parent's time.

Buck:
What time do you want me to pick you up after school?

Tia:
Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends

Buck:
No, I have my orders. What time?

Tia:
Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.

Buck:
Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.

Tia:
Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.

Buck:
Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?

Buck Russell:
Do you think she hates me?

Maisy Russell:
With a passion.

Buck Russell:
Really? Do you think it's the hat?

Maisy Russell:
No.

Buck Russell:
No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.

Miles:
Waiting for your sex?

Tia:
Shutup!

Buck:
Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things.

Tia Russell:
Are you crazy?

Buck Russell:
I can be.

Tia Russell:
You could have taken his head off!

Buck Russell:
Yeah, but would he notice?

Maisy's Teacher:
Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?

Maisy's Teacher:
Maisy?

Maisy Russell:
My Uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.

Maisy's Teacher:
Honest?

Maisy Russell:
Mm-Hmm.

Maisy's Teacher:
Why was your Uncle micro waving your socks?

Maisy Russell:
He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.

Maisy's Teacher:
BLASPHEIMER!

Buck:
We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.

Tia:
Try me.

Buck:
How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.

Tia Russell:
If my whole family moved away from me, I'd drop dead from a heart attack too.

Tia:
Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?

Tia:
And rent-a-foot disease!

Buck:
I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.

Chanice Kobolowski:
Dimples!

Buck:
What do we call them? One... one was on the right, 'was Lyndon and left was...

Chanice Kobolowski:
It's Johnson.

Buck:
Johnson.

Buck:
And then there was your b*obs we did. Now, your b*obs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix! Felix is what we called your...

Buck:
Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.

Cindy Russell:
Oh, good.

Buck:
Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.

Cindy Russell:
When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.

Tia:
So you can interview new housekeepers?

Cindy Russell:
I've had enough of your ugliness.

Tia:
Oh really?

Cindy Russell:
Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.

Maizy:
I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.

Miles:
[off-screen] Shut up!

Maizy:
Shut up, yourself!

Tia:
We need boys so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.

Buck:
The guy's a predator and you're his prey.

Tia:
Really?

Buck:
You bet.

Tia:
And how would you know?

Buck:
When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.

Tia:
I recommend you stay out of my personal life!

Buck:
Do your parents stay out of your personal life?

Tia:
They don't know my personal life.

Buck:
Have they met twiddle-dink?

Tia:
His name is Bug.

Buck:
[chuckles] First or last?

Tia:
First!

Buck:
What's his last name, Spray?

Tia:
You should talk, "Buck."

Buck:
[inquiring about the health of Bob's father-in-law] Her dad?

Bob Russell:
Hard to say.

Buck:
Oh, those medical terms eh?

Buck:
Did you brush your teeth?

Miles:
Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.

Buck:
You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it... to see if you actually brushed your teeth... or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

[Buck leaves, as Miles gawks]

Maizy:
If that's true, we're gonna REALLY have to start brushing our teeth.

Buck:
What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.

Pooter-the-clown:
What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?

Buck:
No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?

Pooter-the-clown:
I don't have to take any sh*t from you! You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a GOD!

Buck:
Get in your mouse, and get out of here.

Pooter-the-clown:
Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life, lying, four-flushing, sack-of-sh...

[Buck punches him in the face, Pooter drops, then gets back up like an inflatable clown and shakes the pain off]

Pooter-the-clown:
[growls]

[Buck punches him again, knocking him out]

[at a meeting with the assistant principal, who has a large unsightly growth on her face]

Anita:
I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck Russell:
[Staring at it] Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart. [she gives him a look] Not her wart, not her wart. I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buckwart Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming!" I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!

Maizy:
[about the bowling alley] They have rent-a-shoes!

Tia:
And rent-a-foot disease!

[Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]

Miles:
That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

Maisey:
I'll bet she's getting the tongue!

Buck:
You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much.

Tia:
[crying] I'm sorry.

Buck:
Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.

[Buck has shown Tia, her ex-boyfriend, Bug who is gagged and tied up in the trunk of his car. He undoes the duct tape]

Bug:
You shithead! I could've suffocated in here!

Buck:
You know what I'd like you to do. You could be doing both of us a favor. I'd like you to apologize to this lady, please.

Bug:
I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! OK, A**HOLE! I'M SORRY!

Buck:
[Nowhere near satisfied with Bug's screaming apology] You may not know this, but I'm an amateur dentist.

Tia:
Oh yes, he is.

[She laughs raising the drill in front of Bug, who is scared straight]

Bug:
[Being serious] I'm sorry.

Buck Russell:
[On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids.

Buck Russell:
[struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!

Tia Russell:
[They're eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How DO you find the time?

E. Roger Cogswell:
[to Buck] You gotta let somebody know where you are. I've been checking car trunks for your corpse.

Tamara Russell:
[to Chanice] I really love you. Please don't reunite with Buck at my expense, that would dismay me.

[Buck knocks on the door of a house and there is no answer]

Buck:
Bob. Bob? This isn’t funny! C’mon! Wake up! I’m freezing my ass off out here!

Bob:
[watching from the front window as Buck yells at the house across the street] Oh sh*t…

Buck:
C’mon I’m getting mad Bob. Yo Bobby!!

Bob:
[steps out the front door] Buck?

Buck:
Bob?

Bob:
Buck!

Buck:
Bob?

Bob:
Buck!

Buck:
Bob?

Bob:
Over here!

Buck:
[pauses, realizing he’s shown up to the wrong house] Do you have any idea how many big white houses there are on this street?

[Dogs on the street begin barking at the commotion]

Bob:
Shh!

Buck:
What?

Bob:
Keep it down.

Buck:
What? What do you want me to do with my car?

Neighbour:
[off-screen] For crying out loud!

Bob:
Oh, uh, sorry Mr. Hatfield!

Mr. Hatfield:
It's 2 A.M.!

Buck:
[to Bob as he walks up to the front door] How ya doin'? Hey sorry I'm late.

Bob:
Oh no, thats ok. Thanks for coming.

Buck:
Hey, what happened to the moustache?

Bob:
Oh. I had to shave it off

Buck:
How's Cindy?

Bob:
Not well. Not well.

Buck:
Her dad?

Bob:
Hard to say.

Buck:
All those medical terms huh? What is it, an infarction or something like that?

Tia:
[after over-hearing Roger talk about Chanice] What’s a “Chanice”?

Buck:
That’s someone who’s sometimes seen around a Buck.

Tia:
Your girlfriend?

Buck:
A friend. And, yes, she is a girl.

Tia:
Are you supposed to marry her or something?

Buck:
The subject has come up, yes, but nothing serious.

Tia:
Maybe if you got married, you’d stop being such an a**hole. [she gives Buck a sly look]

Buck:
[while smoking a cigar] Cigar?

Tia:
No. Thanks.

Buck:
Let me know if you change your mind.

Tia:
[sarcastically] I will.

Buck:
I’ll get it nice and juicy for ya.

[Buck is stopped at a red light on his way to pick up Tia from a party. A couple in another car pulls up beside him]

Man and woman in other car:
[in unison] Your car’s on fire!

Buck:
No, no, no it’s just a little oil. I’m looking for a party somewhere around here.

Woman:
Oh that’s on Toadawa Lane.

Buck:
My niece is there.

Woman:
Our son is there.

Buck:
Ah, kids.

Man:
I don’t think you oughta go in there with that hat on, they’ll kill ya

Buck:
Really?

Man:
Yeah.

Buck:
Thanks for the tip.