Very Important Pennis

Dennis Pennis:
[to Giorgio Armani] I look at your suit and I think... maybe a defective aeroplane. Should never have left the hanger.

Dennis Pennis:
[holding a book] Kevin, could you just write a few words for me, please? Just write a few words for me, please?

Kevin Costner:
[walking on] No... you're a dick.

Dennis Pennis:
I love you! You've invented a new genre, you know, I've seen a lot of B-movies, but you've made a C-movie, in both senses of the word!

Kevin Costner:
That's why you're a low budget guy, your hair, your attitude and your intelligence.

Dennis Pennis:
I'm proud of it, you know!

[cuts to Dennis presenting a transitional clip]

Dennis Pennis:
Being called a low budget guy by Kevin Costner is actually quite a compliment, in his world that's about 150 billion dollars.

Dennis Pennis:
Any plans to make any tampon commercials? Because you love doing all this period stuff. And you're very good at it.

Emma Thompson:
I know, but you know, to make a tampon commercial you have to know how to, like, windsurf, don't you? You have to know how to windsurf and you have to know how to rollerskate. I don't know how to do either of those things, so I don't think I'm suitable.

Dennis Pennis:
OK, fair enough. Now, I don't want to talk about you and Ken...

Emma Thompson:
Nor do I.

Dennis Pennis:
But I'm going to.

Emma Thompson:
OK, bye!

[she walks away from him]

Dennis Pennis:
Did you guys just fall out of luvvie?

[At a press conference for Braveheart with Mel Gibson]

Dennis Pennis:
[standing up] Uh, in the movie you play a guy with long hair, a sort of neanderthal barbarian.

Mel Gibson:
Yeah.

Dennis Pennis:
Being an Australian, you worry that might get you typecast?

[Some people laugh]

Dennis Pennis:
I gotta thank you though, because I haven't had sex in a long time, I went to see the movie and slept with the entire audience! So, thanks for everything, man!

Mel Gibson:
Great. Thank you.

[does a Groucho Marx voice]

Mel Gibson:
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Joan Collins] You look like a million lire! [cut to him presenting a transitional clip in a Venice square] Which is about 25 quid. About the price of a cup of coffee around this part of the world.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Tom Hanks] Tom, I love Philadelphia. Changed my life, man. Smooth, creamy... spreads on your crackers like nobody's business.

Dennis Pennis:
[pointing a Magnum ice cream at Clint Eastwood at a film premiere] Hey, Clint! I got a 65p Magnum here, man, it's the most powerful ice cream in the world. Clean a man's head blown off. You feel licky, punk? Come on, make my dairy!

Dennis Pennis:
You're a Buddhist, do you like Tibet or do you think gambling's wrong?

Richard Gere:
I'm sorry?

Dennis Pennis:
Nothing.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Arnold Schwarzenegger] Arnold, you're one of Hollywood's biggest names, man! Seventeen letters!

Dennis Pennis:
[referring to a British brand of cleaning product] Mr Sheen, you are the most polished performer I know. I mean you've had a lot of smudging and smearing but you think you've wiped the slate clean? I mean, are you gonna shine through? You're a shining example, Mr Sheen?

Charlie Sheen:
[oblivious to what Dennis is really talking about] I would like to believe so and I thank you for your optimism, thank you.

Dennis Pennis:
My pleasure, I never use anything else.

Charlie Sheen:
Your optimism matches only mine.

Dennis Pennis:
Uh-huh! I'll work that out when I get home.

Dennis Pennis:
How come you've persevered for so many years with that moustache?

Tom Selleck:
Without?

Dennis Pennis:
With.

Tom Selleck:
I don't persevere one way or the other, I'm up for hire, if you want to put me in a movie tomorrow, I'll shave it off for you.

Dennis Pennis:
I might well do that. I was gonna say, when you're kissing somebody, not only do you kiss them but you brush their teeth at the same time.

Tom Selleck:
Oh my God. I don't know, I've ever tried.

Dennis Pennis:
And also in the advent of having oral sex, do you sort of...

Tom Selleck:
In the...?

Dennis Pennis:
Well, when you're participating in oral sex, do you suffer from the velcro effect?

Tom Selleck:
I don't know, that's private. [he smiles]

Dennis Pennis:
Yeah, that's a good answer.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Steve Martin] How come you're not funny anymore?

Dennis Pennis:
Sharon, hi. Can you clear something up for us? In the BBC there's rumours going around that you were tricked into that infamous sequence in Basic Instinct.

Sharon Stone:
I'm afraid that's a thing of the past. [she smiles and walks on]

Dennis Pennis:
Because from where I was, you looked fully debriefed.

Dennis Pennis:
Do you think things get more beautiful with age?

Joan Collins:
Yes. Particularly me.

Dennis Pennis:
[holding a blackened banana] Try saying that to my banana.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Demi Moore] Are there any circumstances, if it wasn't gratuitous and it was tastefully done, would consider keeping your clothes on in a movie?

[Demi gives the camera a funny look and walks on]

Dennis Pennis:
[sn*ggers] Yeah, I like that.

Dennis Pennis:
A Fish Called Wanda, you were privilidged to see John Cleese in the nude. Was that a privilege? I mean, was he quite 'Pythonesque'?

Jamie Lee Curtis:
To see any man nude is a privilege.

Dennis Pennis:
Was he 'Pythonesque' or did he have a 'Fawlty Tower'?

[She walks on, smiling and shaking her head]

Dennis Pennis:
You're not related to Michael Barrymore by any chance, because he likes to go on quite a few benders, I hear.

Drew Barrymore:
Who's Michael Barrymore?

Dennis Pennis:
I thought he was your uncle.

Dennis Pennis:
Any chance you might sort of make enough money in the future so you never have to work again?

Courtney Love:
I already did that.

Dennis Pennis:
What was the other one I was gonna ask you?

Drew Barrymore:
The wild child. So you like the wild child?

Courtney Love:
[interrupting] Who's a wilder child, excuse me? I guess I'm not a child anymore.

Dennis Pennis:
Oh, sure you are. Just an old, grown-up, sort of...

Drew Barrymore:
She's a mature child!

Courtney Love:
What, do you think I'm like, 35 or something?

Dennis Pennis:
At least!

[Courtney gives Dennis a playful slap in the face]

Dennis Pennis:
Ooh! What a slapper!

Dennis Pennis:
Are there any circumstances in which you'd appear naked in a film? Would you strip off?

Michael Douglas:
No, I have, uh... When I turned 50 I decided no more dropping trou'.

Dennis Pennis:
But even if you made a film about American football? Presumably we'd get to see your tackle then?

Michael Douglas:
Sorry?

Dennis Pennis:
Your tackle. Would we get to see your tackle in a film about American football?

Michael Douglas:
Would I get to see you tackle?

Dennis Pennis:
You tackle, your tackle.

Michael Douglas:
My tackle? I don't get it. What is that, an English expression? My tackle?

Dennis Pennis:
It might be, I don't speak English. Well, I do actually, obviously. Well, what I also... Are there any simularities between sex and your bank account?

Michael Douglas:
Is this a joke? No, not that I know of.

Dennis Pennis:
Well, when you withdraw, do you lose interest?

Michael Douglas:
[laughs] I see, very good.

[starts to move on]

Michael Douglas:
Hope you enjoy this one. Take care!

Dennis Pennis:
You too, baby.

Dennis Pennis:
Charlie, can you just tell me, when you did Platoon, did you met a lot of Vietnam vets?

Charlie Sheen:
I did afterwards, sure.

Dennis Pennis:
That's gotta be the toughest job to be a Vietnam vet. Because you gotta care for animals in a war zone.

Charlie Sheen:
[leaning closer] What?

Dennis Pennis:
You gotta care for animals in a war zone.

Charlie Sheen:
I don't know how to take that.

Dennis Pennis:
On the chin.

[At the premiere of Goldeneye]

Dennis Pennis:
Desmond, I understand you got mugged earlier.

Desmond Llewelyn:
Oh yes.

Dennis Pennis:
I heard somebody got arrested for jumping the Q!

Dennis Pennis:
[to Pierce Brosnan] I gotta tell ya, I saw Goldeneye, I was glued to my seat. Otherwise I would have left! [Brosnan and his girlfriend Keely Shaye Smith laugh]

Dennis Pennis:
You've always carried yourself like a businessman, I just wondered if, your last fight, you took the position of official reciever?

Chris Eubank:
I suppose that's fair to say, yes.

Dennis Pennis:
But also I want to know are you ever going to release an autobiography?

Chris Eubank:
Um, on what?

Dennis Pennis:
Sir Andrew, quick question from the BBC. Is it correct that recently you've been writing sheets and sheets of music and then erasing them and rubbing them out?

Andrew Lloyd Webber:
[bemused] No.

Dennis Pennis:
Oh, because, if you don't mind me saying, I heard you were decomposing these days.

[Lloyd Webber just stares blankly]

Dennis Pennis:
[to a man in a Mr Blobby suit] You look very depressed, you know, you look very depressed. I got a feeling that deep inside there's a very sad man trying to get out.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Cher] Has anyone told you you're really beautiful... and meant it?

Cher:
[laughing and shaking her head] No.

Dennis Pennis:
I'm sure.

[At the Cannes Film Festival]

Dennis Pennis:
You're here to support Trainspotting?

Virginia Bottomley:
I'm here to see Trainspotting.

Dennis Pennis:
Oh, you haven't seen it yet?

Virginia Bottomley:
I haven't seen it yet, I'm seeing it tonight.

Dennis Pennis:
It's going to be a great shot in the arm for the British film industry, what do you think?

Virginia Bottomley:
I think there are a great many shots in the arm for the British film industry at the moment, a great many success stories.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Elton John] Elton, you know what they call you in Germany, man? Herr Piece!

Dennis Pennis:
You fancy going out down the beach with me, clubbing?

Seal:
Down the beach to do some clubbing? [shakes his head] No, I don't think so.

Dennis Pennis:
No? All good seals love a good clubbing!

Dennis Pennis:
I loved Seven, thought it was amazing.

Morgan Freeman:
You did?

Dennis Pennis:
Thought it was incredible. Although I must ask, that last scene, was that the best head you've ever been given?

Morgan Freeman:
[mock-offended] Shame on you. Shame, shame...

Dennis Pennis:
Had to ask.

Dennis Pennis:
You came under a lot of criticism for Striptease. How do you handle your knockers?

Demi Moore:
You know what, hon? I'm not here to talk about myself, alright?

Dennis Pennis:
Can I just say, did you know that Errol Flynn passed away with a huge erection? Do you think your husband with Die Hard too?

Dennis Pennis:
In any other job if you walk around like a drug-crazed zombie, you get the sack, but in the fashion industry, you get rewarded with a multi-million-dollar cosmetic contract. Crazy!

Dennis Pennis:
[to Winona Ryder] Do you practice safe sex? Because I heard you haven't been to bed with a Johnny for a couple of years.