Warren

Warren:
Hello?

The Devil:
Hello there! Guess who this is? I'll give you a couple of hints. I'm evil. My skin color is red. I come from Hell!

Warren:
Can I have a couple more hints?

The Devil:
I represent all the bad things in the world. All the sin, all the crime, all the injustice! I trick people into terrible decisions!

Warren:
No, that didn't help.

The Devil:
Look, this is what's going to happen. You are going to sell your soul to me, and you will listen to everything I tell you, and you will follow my commands! Do I make myself clear?

Warren:
Oh yeah, now I know who you are! You're a Republican! Bye!

Warren:
Glad you could come over!

Nicole:
Well, it took a while for me to find the apartment on the GPS system. It wasn't working too well. I tried to put in "BROKEN MAN ALLEY".

Warren:
Well, we have a nickname for the street that we live on. Plus, it's "DEAD MAN ALLEY", not "BROKEN MAN ALLEY". We call it "DEAD MAN ALLEY" due to the dead man that was found in the middle of the street one day.

Warren:
Gross.

Matt:
Soo...

Nicole:
So.

Matt:
Like I said, my name's Matt, but, uh, that's just my nickname. My real name is Ryan Steel. I'm a professional actor, quarterback for the Saints, and...

Warren:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out! Time out! Sorry about that, Nicole. His real name is Matt, and he lives on my couch!

Matt:
Dude!

Jon:
Yeah, don't lie Mutt!

Jon:
You don't want to chill with that poser. You want to chill with a real man.

Nicole:
Um, well, I'd like to chill with all of you guys!

Jon:
But some more than others, right?

Nicole:
I guess Warren is pretty cool.

Jon:
Warren, really? Wrestling. Right now. Right here, right now.

Warren:
What the?

Jon:
Right here, right now.

Warren:
Buzz off! Buzz off!

Nate:
I'm so sorry you had to deal with those boneheads.

Nicole:
Oh, it's OK.

Nate:
So, you into music? You wanna hear a song I wrote a while ago, like 5 minutes ago?

Nicole:
Oh sure! Wait, what? 5 minutes ago?

Nate:
Oh, Nicole! I can't get you off my mind! 'Cus you're so divine! Oh, Nicole! Sweet Nicole!

Warren:
Everyone, this is Nicole. Nicole, I want you to meet my roommates. That's Matt, that's Jon, and that's Nate.

Matt:
Hey, girl. The name's Matt. What's up?

Nicole:
Is that what you normally say to other women?

Matt:
Only the hot ones.

Jon:
Hi, I'm Jon. Want a piece of cake?

Nicole:
I'm good. Thanks.

Jon:
Come on. It's really... swaggilicious!

Nicole:
That's okay.

Nate:
Um, my name is, um, Nate.

Nicole:
Nice to meet you, Nate. Nice to meet everyone.

Warren:
Come have a seat over here, and we'll get to know each other.

Warren:
Oh, I remember when Furby dolls first came out. Your sister asked for one years ago, and I didn't want one anywhere in my house. Of course, she got one that year, and it was even worse than I anticipated. Hopefully, the creators of that doll had worked out the kinks in it.

Warren:
'Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the apartment, Not a creature was stirring, Not even a rodent. The stockings were hung by the HD Television with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there. My roommates were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of women danced in their heads.

Warren:
When all of a sudden, there arose such a clatter. I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the porch, I flew like a flash. Then to the other side of the room in a madder dash. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature SUV, loaded with presents right here. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I thought for a moment it must be Saint Nick. But no, the guy who was actually in that driver seat... was his less-magical brother, St. Matt Reed. He stumbles out the seat, so very drunk. The only thing for me to do was to run down to help this schmuck. What happened next would sound very lame, but I ran down the stairs, calling him by name.

Warren:
Hey, Matt! What are you doing out here? It's only 1 in the morning!

Matt:
Well, Warren, I had to do, um, something.

Warren:
Okay, then. Tell me. Where were you at?

Matt:
Salvation Army. That's where I was at!

Warren:
Does that explain all those presents in the back?

Matt:
Yeah, they were for the kids. All in those bags.

Warren:
And did you forget to donate them because the beer had you in a hurry?

Matt:
No, I went over there, and I took them all over here with me.

Warren:
You stole all those presents?

Warren:
I yelled at him angrily, because a crime like this was more than a felony. I ran back inside and turned on the news feed to hear about all those presents that were stolen by Matt Reed.

Warren:
There are probably cops after you now. What the heck were you thinking?

Matt:
I wanted to get you guys presents, but I had no money or anything. I passed the place by, and I wondered for a bit. If I got them something from there, that would definitely do it. I went inside the place, and there were so many of them everywhere. I grabbed whatever I can find and drove on out of there.

Warren:
But these were for homeless children! You can't do that at all! I'm going to the phone.

Matt:
Warren, please don't call!

Warren:
There's no easy way to say this, but we got a problem. Matt stole presents from the Salvation Army, and now the police cars are after him.

Jon:
Salvation Army? He's such an idiot!

Warren:
Yeah, definitely. Nothing more to it.

Nate:
Why should we help him? Let him go to jail.

Jon:
He barely does things for us, so he deserves to fail.

Warren:
It's Christmas eve, you guys. You're supposed to put all of that aside. He's been there a lot for you like you need to be there for him tonight. Jon, remember that time when we were in Santa Fe? It was past midnight, and you hadn't eaten in days. He drove you over to the nearest Taco Bell.

Jon:
Yeah, you're right. That filled me up well.

Warren:
And Nate, about a week ago, When you needed sinus surgery, He suggested that Dr. Darrin Stephens was the doctor you needed to see.

Nate:
You got a point there. I see where you're at. I feel like a whole new person, all thanks to Matt.

Warren:
So, you see, Matt made a mistake. But he made a lot of good decisions, too. If we can help him out here, he would really appreciate that from you.

Nate:
Well, if they haven't arrived yet, he can still return them. He'll have to drive back over there before the cops catch him.

Warren:
You'll probably have to turn yourself in when you show up. And no matter how much they'll thank you for that, they'll still lock you up.

Matt:
Well, what else can I do? It already cuts like a knife. I hope I don't end up on Santa's naughty list for life. You sure you don't want this present?

Nate:
Matt, keep your hands to yourself. Knowing that you're in the slammer is a gift within itself.

Warren:
Matt hops in the truck and starts the ignition. He drives out of the parking lot, hoping to fulfill his mission. We go back into the apartment and turn off the lights. Merry Christmas to all on this unforgettable night!

Warren:
The end.

Michelle:
Bor-ing!

Warren:
Well, I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I'll have another story for you tomorrow. Good night, Michelle.

Michelle:
Good night, Warren.

Warren:
Note to self: tomorrow morning, search the grill for charcoal.

Matt:
Is it really over this time?

Warren:
I think so. Can I get a consensus from everybody?

Jon:
Terrible!

Warren:
The worst thing I've ever seen.

Nate:
My eyes are literally burning right now.

Warren:
Yeah, I'm glad it's over too. Matt, you go eject that disk. I can't even touch it!

Matt:
Hey, Warren.

Warren:
Yeah?

Matt:
The disk. It doesn't say Fast & Furious 6. The disk says Exploding Testicles 6, Warren!

Warren:
Exploding Testicles 6? How did I get that one wrong? The machine must've fed me the wrong film.

Nate:
That's something I would expect Blockbuster to do.