We Know Where You Live

Eddie Izzard:
Good evening Wembley! The largest Wembley venue they've got - 'cause the other one's got a wheelbarrow in it.

Jeremy Hardy:
There's a sign outside here saying "do you want to sponsor this roundabout?". It's a roundabout, it's not going to do a bungee jump for multiple sclerosis, is it?

Nina Wadia:
God dammit guys. Bombay is the restaurant capital of the world, right? So how come every Friday night we end up in this dump?

Sanjeev Bhaskar:
Because that's what you do, innit? You go out, get tanked up on Lassies and you go for an English.

Richard Blackwood:
And no, it's not a camera trick, no special effects. I am the only black person in the f***ing show.

Richard Blackwood:
I read, I don't know if this is true or not, I read that the Queen Mum is getting air jabs. And the reason they're giving her these air jabs in her arse or her back or wherever they put them is that it will help her to have a long life. No disrespect but the woman is 100 years old. If you're 100 years old, that means that when you was a kid and the phone would ring, that sh*t would scare you.

Phill Jupitus:
Big mistake, I bought the Blair Witch Project the other day. Am I alone in thinking this is the biggest piece of sh*t ever committed to celluloid?

Dave Nice:
Good evening Cardiff!

Jeremy Hardy:
You're very kind to an old tart in the twighlight of his years.

Jeremy Hardy:
The Countryside Alliance are interesting people, one of the good things about foot and mouth is they can't f***ing move without walking in Dettol. They're just f***ed. It's good. Because normally they would be marching into London with no respect for our urban ways.

Jeremy Hardy:
The police attack people and people forgive the police, people say 'well, it is a difficult job'. Of course it's a difficult job. Jobs are difficult. After all, they're just normal people. Police are not normal people. Who do you know who rides a horse round a shopping centre?

Frank:
Oi! Izzard! No!

Eddie Izzard:
Taxidermy. It's definitely vocational. You can accidentally fall into taxidermy, you know, working at a chip shop and suddenly think 'I've got to stuff owls with sand'. Get as much sand into a rat as possible, the whole Ghobi desert. It's just a sand thing, nothing else. There's no 'I've done your dog with porridge. I know it's unusual, but you can move him about, see? Lean. Lie flat, just squash him down. Roll up. And I've done your cat with helium. You can tie him to your car and drive around'.

Sean Lock:
Had a real shock on Tuesday. My parents found out I was gay, which was news to me. Just went round for tea with my girlfriend.

Phill Jupitus:
I'm in a bit of a shitty mood, because I'm a dad right, yes, someone has f***ed me sir. I've got a bit of a situation at home, my eldest daughter brought a boy home for the first time. And I think it's safe to say I reacted rather badly. She said, "Hello Dad, this is Billy." I said, "Billy? Billy is it?" and I went up to this person and said, "If you so much as f***ing touch her I'll cut you." This Billy started crying. Still that's seven year olds for you.

Mike Smash:
Nicey, you un-PC pilchard!

Jonathan Ross:
Chris Evans was going to be here but unfortunately his schedule clashes with this because at about this time of night he's reading Billie her bedtime story.

Harry Hill:
Nice to see one or two bald men in the audience. Tell me, was it the same for you? You just noticed it was taking longer and longer to wash your face?

Eddie Izzard:
Skipping. Huge f***ing boxers and very small girls are the only two social groups in the world who do skipping.

Eddie Izzard:
Matthew Kelly cannot be with us tonight, he has exploded.

Eddie Izzard:
Star Trek. You know, the original one? Phasers? Yeah, liked it. But they had two settings: stun and kill and that's about it. Now they had a lot of technology, they could have had a few more settings I think. Loss of memory setting would have been good - loss of memory, loss of short term memory, the crew were very casual, you know, as the enemy attacked

Eddie Izzard:
'aaaaah... what are we doing here?'. Um, bit of a cough setting. Ice cream van nearby

Eddie Izzard:
'ooh! two choc ices - you want one? So three choc ices and two 99s please' and I think my favourite was oven left on at home setting

Eddie Izzard:
'oh f***!'.

Eddie Izzard:
Beekeeping. You know when you're a kid and a bee comes round, your dad's like, "stand still," that's so the bee can come up and really get you. I think running around's better 'cause then they have a difficult job, but no apparently 'stand there' and wasps are just crap, they have a wasp's nest, they go in there, I don't know what they do, they just don't do anything, they're just like, "let's go out and sting someone," it seems.

Eddie Izzard:
And swimming's another one. I remember weird bits of sh*t like diving to pick up a brick from the bottom of a pool. As you so often need to... And I got my bronze survival award, I could survive in bronzy type way. Not in a silver or gold way, no just in a bronzy type way which is when you get out there and you're like 'are you drowning? Well, so am I now. The shore's over there so let's, no I can't pull you or then I'll drown and I'm only bronze'. I don't know what silver was, maybe they come out with a tray 'want a drink', gold they put you in a f***ing speedboat. But my favourite part is when you're drowning in your pyjamas. Whip 'em off, tie knots in the end and make yourself your own personal life raft, and who goes on holiday in their pyjamas?

Frank:
Enfield invented Whitehouse. If it wasn't for Enfield, Whitehouse would still be living in his poxy little council flat in Hackney.

Eddie Izzard:
The Pope. First there was a Pope John, then there's Pope John Paul. We can see where they're going with this, the next one will be Pope John Paul George and then Pope John Paul George and Ringo.

Eddie Izzard:
He has a Popemobile and the only person in the world who's got anything like that is Batman. You've got Batman with a Batmobile, the Pope with a Popemobile, and the Pope's got a cave and whenever they show the picture of a sinner on a cloud, the Pope goes down to his cave where he's joined by Altar Boy.

Richard Blackwood:
I feel good to be here, you know, asked to be here. Knowing that Lenny Henry couldn't make it.

Eddie Izzard:
This reminds me of playing Kingston Poly

Eddie Izzard:
yes, they're all in tonight, in fact it's entirely Kingston Poly

Eddie Izzard:
, yeah all right, you're from Kingston Poly. It's good, but no-one's gonna f*** you.

Badly Drawn Boy:
And tonight I'd like to stand as a kick in the arse to any human beings on this planet who think they're bigger and better than others to put themselves above them. That's about as basic as it gets.

Mike Smash:
I'm Mike Smash, Britain's most popadapadopulous DJ.

Dave Nice:
And I'm Dave Nice, former DJ and current chairman of 'Kent people against asylum seekers'.

Mike Smash:
You know, there's a lot of electrotesticaltrocious torture out there. Places where people are whipped and stripped and tied up.

Dave Nice:
I know that club. It's off Great Portland Street. It's called Ouch!

Phill Jupitus:
I'm at the vinegar strokes of my act now

Phill Jupitus:
Hello. Was that full? What of? Piss? Very nice. How do you put that in your diary? 'Dear Diary, Eddie Izzard threw a bottle of evian at me today'.

Eddie Izzard:
Pavlov did experiments with dogs. Fantastic ones, where he did "Day one: rang bell, dog ate food. Day two: rang bell, dog ate more food. Day three: rang bell, dog ate my leg." I mean, we know this, you ring bells and dogs are gonna f***ing eat food. But his cat experiments were never published. "Day one: rang bell, cat f***ed off. Day two: rang bell, cat went and answered door. Day three: rang bell, cat said, "There's a bell ringing." Day four: rang bell but cat put its paw on bell so it only made a thunk thunk thunk noise. Day five: went to ring bell but cat had stolen batteries. Day six: cat rang bell. I ate food."

Phill Jupitus:
Ewan McGregor as Obe Wan Kenobi... It's an odd bit of casting

Phill Jupitus:
Alright! I'm Obe Wan Kenobi, I'm a Jedi... If anyone from Trainspotting should have been the young Obe Wan Kenobi, it should have been Begbie

Phill Jupitus:
"some c*nt has blown up this lass's planet. And I'm no leaving until I've found out who did it".