Wingin' It

Agent 45:
Del Vechio, you got game.

Serge Del Vechio:
Serge has game for weeks!

Agent 45:
Yeah... Well, I'm scouting for the University of Nothing But Sports.

Serge Del Vechio:
Oh, nice! You're NBS. Heard of you guys.

Carl Montclaire:
Imagine I have a friend who is in trouble.

Becky Montclaire:
Okay, so I'll imagine you have a friend.

Carl Montclaire:
Okay... so let's say that something I did got him, or her, in trouble.

Becky Montclaire:
Sounds like you.

Carl Montclaire:
But I can't do anything about it, because they're far, far away from here.

Becky Montclaire:
Where?

Carl Montclaire:
Uh... Iceland.

Becky Montclaire:
Well, it's nearly midnight in Iceland, so this can wait until tomorrow.

[after Porter gets arrested]

Dr. Cassabi:
This is the worst thing that could have happened.

Carl Montclaire:
Second worst. I had to kiss a lizard.

Becky Montclaire:
Don't worry, Carl. All lizards go to heaven.

Carl Montclaire:
Denise.

Denise Simmons:
[angrily] No, I've not seen Porter!

Carl Montclaire:
I'm not looking for Porter, I'm looking for you.

Denise Simmons:
[happily] Finally! Sit, have a slice. Let's talk. Pick a topic. Politics? The weather? People who wear pyjamases in the middle of the day? What do you want to talk about?

Carl Montclaire:
Porter.

Denise Simmons:
Give it...

Crowd:
Hey, it's Carl! [the crowd continues to cheer]

Carl Montclaire:
Thank you! You're all annoying!

Jane Casey:
What is your problem?

Brittany Hanson:
My problem is that that is boring! And plus, you forgot to mention Carl Montclaire. [puts Carl's picture over the word "caf"] Lovely.

Jane Casey:
"Carl eats tuna"? The headline has nothing to do with the story.

Brittany Hanson:
What, Carl doesn't like tuna?

Jane Casey:
Actually, no. He's more of a slice turkey on a dine kind of guy.

Brittany:
The first rule of Rumor Club is that everybody talks about Rumor Club.

Carl Montclaire:
I can't have that happen. Porter, we have to do something.

Porter Jackson:
I know. We need a great plan.

Carl Montclaire:
Well, what if we...?

Porter Jackson:
That won't work. [Jane shakes her head, beaten]

Carl Montclaire:
Well, we could...

Porter Jackson:
I already tried that four centuries ago. [Jane rolls her eyes]

Carl Montclaire:
What happens if we...?

Porter Jackson:
That's illegal! [Jane makes a low sound of impatience]

Carl Montclaire:
Have you even considered...?

Porter Jackson:
No, I hadn't! You know what, I think you're onto something! [Jane smiles broadly]

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, get Agent 45 back. Jane, this is what we're gonna do...

Melissa:
[to Alex] Guess what I heard from Brittany. The sloppy joes in the cafeteria are made out of sodas. Pass it on. [she leaves. Alex stops the next guy passing him]

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Guess what I just heard! Brittany's sloppy Uncle Joe's been living in the cafeteria since august!

Coach Heinrich:
There hasn't been a strong guy competition at Bennett High - in - twenty - YEARS! [Serge and the coach have a collective outburst of roaring cheers]

Carl Montclaire:
And now there's another one. Yay...

Porter Jackson:
Brace yourself, Jane, you're gonna see Carl win the strong man competition. [Carl drags the weight with ease, helped by Porter's magic. Jane smiles in awe] Told ya.

[Jane screams. Carl screams with her until she stops]

Carl Montclaire:
It's okay, Jane.

Jane Casey:
I am totally freaking out right now...!

Carl Montclaire:
Okay, look! There's a rational explanation for all of this.

Jane Casey:
Oh, yeah! Picture a pizza box, fishing lines, sunlight in my eyes, and a liar with a broken leg! Tell me what's really going on!

Carl Montclaire:
Okay, but if I tell you, you can not tell anyone. This is strictly between us.

Jane Casey:
Okay, okay. Unless you and Porter are aliens, then I'm grabbing Alex's plasma gun and blast the both of you!

Jane Casey:
So I haven't lost my marvels?

Porter Jackson:
No, Jane.

Denise Simmons:
But you will never be able to tell anyone.

Jane Casey:
So, Denise, are you...?

Denise Simmons:
Yeah.

Jane Casey:
And... and Carl, are you too...?

Carl Montclaire:
No. No, I'm just me.

Jane Casey:
Oh, my, this is just so mind blowing!

Carl Montclaire:
Look, Jane, I'm sorry we had to trash your credibility.

Jane Casey:
What I did to you was way worse. I'm so sorry I betrayed our friendship. It wasn't cool.

Carl Montclaire:
No. It wasn't cool at all. But... I think our friendship can handle a couple of angels.

Becky Montclaire:
I have to make fun of Carl. It's a little sister's job.

Angela Montclaire:
And you've been putting in a little too much overtime.

Becky Montclaire:
What can I say? I love my work.

[Carl faints after seeing Porter's angel wings and halo]

Dennis:
[laughs] Oh, I've seen that so many times before. It never gets old! [Porter turns the halo into a hammer, makes it float in the air and hits Dennis in the head with it]

Porter Jackson:
Bet you haven't seen that before.

Carl Montclaire:
I don't know if I can do this, Jane! Any advice?

Jane Casey:
Sure, Carl. You have to bounce the ball in the ground when you're walking around with it. That's called dribbling.

Carl Montclaire:
I know you were joking, but honestly, thank you for the reminder.

Carl Montclaire:
Good morning. Welcome to class. I'm Mr. Becker, uh, your substitute teacher. [clears his throat to make his voice darker] Uh, substitute teacher. The beard probably tipped you off. And the 'Mr' part.

Carl Montclaire:
This is where we separate the boys from the... boys with beards.

Carl Montclaire:
[as Mr. Becker to himself] You sort of remind me of myself... before I had this beard.

Angela Montclaire:
Have we met before? You look strangely familiar.

Carl Montclaire:
Oh, I get that a lot, Mom... Mooom of Carl.

Carl Montclaire:
So let me get this straight. You're gonna be in frenemy club, and then you're gonna stab it in the back?

Jane Casey:
Kind of ironic, huh? But yes.

Jane Casey:
Hey, guys! It's exam time, and I'm so ready.

Ty:
Me too. Wanna bet who gets the highest grade?

Jane Casey:
Maybe I do!

Carl Montclaire:
Don't waste your money, Jane. I think Ty's got the edge.

[repeated line]

Jane Casey:
Hey, Carl, you ready for the presentation?

[before the third presentation]

Carl Montclaire:
Porter, please tell me you've fixed the time loop.

Porter Jackson:
I've gone over all the calculations, and I think it's safe to say...

Jane Casey:
[interrupts] Hey, Carl, you ready for the presentation?

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, Jane, be right in.

Carl Montclaire:
[to Porter] This is the seventh time. That's seven straight hours. I should be home playing video games by now. [Jane comes up to him]

Jane Casey:
Hey, Carl, you ready for the presentation?

Carl Montclaire:
[sarcastically] Yeah, come on, let's go!

Carl Montclaire:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Lennox, I'm sorry, Serge, I'm sorry to everyone who was in that class. All I want is a second chance. All I want is... a do over.

Carl Montclaire:
You said that nobody could pick this lock?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
But I ain't a nobody.

Denise Simmons:
Carl, you okay?

Carl Montclaire:
Look, I know the stock answer is to say "I'm okay", but I'm bored.

Porter Jackson:
You got two angels as friends.

Denise Simmons:
And a sister who is an internet sensation.

Carl Montclaire:
900 hits does not count as a sensation. Everything is just so predictable, the school is the same every single day. For example, uh, Jane. [Jane comes into the screen, reading a newspaper] Every morning she reads a new article. She ponders, gets inspired, and then comes to me with the headline for tomorrow's newspaper.

Jane Casey:
[to Carl, excitedly] "Students hate school!" [she leaves]

Porter Jackson:
Lucky guess.

Carl Montclaire:
Oh, and then there's Alex. [Alex comes into the screen] Look if he asks me if some part of his body is infected.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[lifts his elbow] Does this still look infected?

Carl Montclaire:
Yep, almost a new record!

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Awesome!

Carl Montclaire:
Brittany will bump into me while texting. [Brittany does so]

Brittany Hansen:
Ow! Carl! You made me hit send before I wanted to! Now everybody's gonna think that I'm just rolling on the floor, and they won't know that I'm laughing.

Carl Montclaire:
Then Serge will catch a football, and I still don't know who is throwing it. [Serge catches a football right in front of Carl] Yep, I know. "Out of my way, Montclaire." [Carl moves so Serge can pass him] Here comes Mr. Dolby with Monday's joke.

Mr. Dolby:
Carl, what do you get when you cross a chicken with a dog?

Carl Montclaire:
A cack-puddle-doo.

Mr. Dolby:
Precisely. See you in class!

Carl Montclaire:
And then the bell will ring. [the bell rings] And then I hurry off to class because I'm late from hanging out with you two chuckle heads. [leaves]

Porter Jackson:
Who would've thought.

Denise Simmons:
I wonder know what's for lunch?

Carl Montclaire:
[off screen] Triple weenie.

Carl Montclaire:
I can't compete with an angel.

Porter Jackson:
You can when it comes to acting. What about your great impression of Alex? [later, in the classroom]

Carl Montclaire:
Okay, let's see if you can get who this is: "Hey, does this look infected?" [Porter, Jane and Alex laughs]

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Good Porter impression! By the way, does this look infected?

Jane Casey:
Okay, Alex. Porter and Brittany kiss, then you enter and say: "Fish for sale!" and then you exit again. Let's try it. [Alex exits the stage] And action!

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[comes in] Sale for fish! Fresh sale for fish!

Jane Casey:
No, it's "fish for sale."

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Got it. For sale, fish!

Jane Casey:
Not quite right. The line is: "Fish for sale." Let's try it again. [Alex exits again, closing the door]

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[without coming in] Fish for sale!

Jane Casey:
Come in, Alex!

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[comes in again] Sale for fish! Fresh sale for fish! For sale, fish! Sale... Fish sale for!

Jane Casey:
"Fish sell for?" What does that even mean?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
I don't know! I didn't write this play! [Jane hides her head in her hands and moans]

[Porter comes in on crutches, faking a broken leg]

Jane Casey:
Porter! You're supposed to break a leg, not break a leg!

Porter Jackson:
Hey, break a leg.

Carl Montclaire:
What is that, angel comedy?

Becky Montclaire:
I have to watch Carl? Can't I just wait in the car?

Angela Montclaire:
No, you have to stay here and support your brother.

Becky Montclaire:
Too bad I left my tomatoes at home.

Carl Montclaire:
Brittany's not in the play anymore? [Jane shakes her head] Oh, man, I don't get to kiss her! [Jane narrows her eyes] And... there's the rest of the play too...

Jane Casey:
See, Carl? The kiss was fine.

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, it was totally fine. It was like kissing, kissing, kissing... pizza.

Carl Montclaire:
Congratulations, Jane, your play was a huge hit.

Jane Casey:
I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks, Carl. [they hug. She leaves, while Carl looks thoughtful]

Carl Montclaire:
[in the play] I won't let this heat wave beat me! My deliveries are down and I got a truck loaded with curdled milk. And it's gone sour. Just like me, just like us. And you know what I'm gonna do with that curdled milk? I'm gonna make cheese! I'll make mozzarella and cheddar! And gouda and Swiss! I'll even make camembert.

Jane Casey:
What about Havarti?

Carl Montclaire:
I'll even make Havarti. For anyone who'll have it!

Jane Casey:
Oh, Oliver! You're free! You're the milkman I fell in love with.

Carl Montclaire:
And I'm not sour anymore. [they kiss, and breaks it up a few seconds later] Woah.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[comes in] FISH!

Jane Casey:
My long streak of being the first name on a sign up sheet continues... Wait. What are we signing up for?

Brittany Hanson:
To organize this spectacular...

Jane Casey:
Stop right there. You had me at organized. [speaking to camera] I love to organize. I'm in the organizing club. I actually organize the organizing club. And now I'm in a new club. I wonder what it is. No matter, I'll organize it.

Carl Montclaire:
[after playing Porter's father] I think we're in deep, deep trouble, son.

Carl Montclaire:
Wait, principal Malone! I want you to take a minute and think about what the school would be like without Porter Jackson. If Porter Jackson leaves this school, then a bright shining star dims at Bennett High! The cafeteria food will taste blander, the school bell will ring duller, the library will be too quiet. But if Porter Jackson stays, then Bennett High will be shining on. Shine on, Bennett High. Shine on.

Carl Montclaire:
Two Serges? Yeah, way to double our problem.

[Serge scores with his back to the basket]

Carl Montclaire:
Kids, if you can't do what Serge just did, you better stay in school and study.

Serge Del Vechio:
Serge approves this message.

Mr. Dolby:
I must have mixed up the two exams! Carl, you actually got a hundred-and-ten percent.

Carl Montclaire:
Oh, right! My reputation as a good student restores.

Principal Malone:
That means that Serge must have gotten six percent.

Mr. Dolby:
Two percent higher than I thought he'd actually get.

Principal Malone:
Oh, what a relief. Serge, you failed the exam!

Serge Del Vechio:
YES!

[first lines]

Carl Montclaire:
Where is everybody? What day is it? Where AM I? I don't remember... I don't remember anything. Well, I remember English... Speaking English. Well, I think this is English. Yeah! Yeah, this is English. But I don't remember how I got here, I don't remember what I'm doing here. I don't even remember my own name! [feels his legs] Oh, okay. I remembered to wear pants. At least I got that going for me. So I'm an English speaking, pants wearing guy with no clue whatsoever. [pauses] Not good.

Carl Montclaire:
I remember Brittany! That's great! And I remember Brittany singing. Which is... less great.

Jane Casey:
Let me take a look at the angel text book!

Porter Jackson:
I don't know, Jane. Humans and the angel text book, and I...

Jane Casey:
I know my way around an index and a glossary better than anyone else!

Porter Jackson:
Yeah, I'm sure you do, Jane, but the problem is...

Jane Casey:
Porter, give me the book...! [takes it from him]

Porter Jackson:
Knock yourself out... [Jane makes a satisfied sound and opens it. Then she starts screaming as a bright white light appears in front of her. She runs around the room, continuing to scream. A loud sound appears off screen as she crashes with something]

Denise Simmons:
You did warn her.

Porter Jackson:
Yeah, I could've tried harder.

Jane Casey:
Happy birthday, Carl. [gives him a cake slice. Carl just looks at her]

Carl Montclaire:
I'm sorry. Who are you? [Jane's smile fades]

Jane Casey:
What?

Carl Montclaire:
[smiles broadly] Just kidding. Thanks, Jane. [she smiles back, and then they hug]

Porter Jackson:
Are you sure you remember everything?

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, I do. Do me a favor: No more forgetting magic. There are some things I always wanna remember. [looks at Jane from a distance, who looks up and smiles at him. Carl smiles back, happy]

Brittany Hanson:
You just heartbroke my heart!

Mr. Dolby:
72 hours. Only 68 hours to go!

Principal Malone:
Well, isn't this exciting for Bennett High. Keep those feet moving, Carl!

Carl Montclaire:
Couldn't stop if I wanted to.

[last lines]

Jane Casey:
[after Carl breaks the world record has fallen asleep] Oh, this almost makes up for him missing my birthday!

Porter Jackson:
Almost?

Jane Casey:
I'm kidding. It totally does.

Porter Jackson:
Birthday picture?

Jane Casey:
Sure! [Jane and Porter lie down and take a picture with the still sleeping Carl in the middle. The episode ends with Carl's friends all taking separate pictures with him]

[Carl has only a minute left before he breaks the record, and he is about to fall over by tiredness]

Jane Casey:
Carl? Carl!

Carl Montclaire:
Mhm?

Jane Casey:
Dance with me!

Carl Montclaire:
I can't.

Jane Casey:
Yeah. [puts her hands around him as close as she can without touching him] See?

Carl Montclaire:
[does the same] Thanks. I was feeling my big toes about six minutes ago. Jane, I'm so sorry I missed your birthday.

Jane Casey:
It's okay. What you've done since is amazing.

Carl Montclaire:
I don't know if I can do this for you.

Jane Casey:
Then don't do it for me. You've come so far, you deserve this. Do it for yourself! [Carl is about to fall asleep] Uh... Carl, do the artuzzi! [dances wilder to wake him up]

Carl Montclaire:
[sleepily] I know that one.

Jane Casey:
Like this. Stay with me. [Jane eggs Carl to dance a little more]

Porter Jackson:
Come on, Carl. Power through the pain!

Mr. Dolby:
Ten! Nine! Eight!

Porter Jackson:
Eight more seconds.

Mr. Dolby:
...Seven! Six!

Jane Casey, Mr. Dolby:
Five!

The Audience:
Four! Three! Two! One! [a bell rings]

Mr. Dolby:
Carl Montclaire has just broken the world record! [Jane squeals of happiness, Porter just looks amazed, and the entire audience cheers for Carl, who fell asleep the moment the bell rang]

Angela Montclaire:
[sees Porter in an angel outfit] I like your Halloween outfit, Porter. Where did you get the idea for that?

Porter Jackson:
Yeah... I just pulled it out of thin air.

Porter Jackson:
[sees Carl in a normal outfit] And who are you supposed to be?

Carl Montclaire:
A 21st century high school student?

Porter Jackson:
Oh, nice costume, Jane. You a doctor?

Jane Casey:
Uh, no, I'm a mad scientist.

Carl Montclaire:
What are you mad about? HA!

Jane Casey:
[very seriously] Global warming.

Carl Montclaire:
...Oh. Right.

Porter Jackson:
What about the haunted castle?

Carl Montclaire:
What about the puppies?

Jane Casey:
Carl, thanks to your help, we raised double of what we raised last year. But I can't run the haunted castle AND go to Brittany's sleepover. Maybe you could take over for me?

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, sure! I'd love to go to one of Brittany's sleepovers!

Jane Casey:
I meant take over for the haunted castle.

Carl Montclaire:
...Oh, yeah. Right.

Porter Jackson:
[after Jane leaves the haunted castle for Brittany's] Looks like Jane traded one horror show for another.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
I don't wanna go out there!

Serge Del Vechio:
Now what are you, a chicken?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[actually dressed like a chicken] Yeah, look at me!

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
O.M.G! He's gone!

Porter Jackson:
[to Carl] You just went from Bennett's most wanted to Bennett's most... wanted.

[first lines]

Carl Montclaire:
In times of darkness, the world needs a hero. Instead, they got me. I am Greener-Man.

Carl Montclaire:
It's over, Polluter.

Serge Del Vechio:
Maybe it's over your head! [laughs madly while sending a red beam towards Carl]

Carl Montclaire:
Hey, Polluter! [Serge/Polluter looks at him] Garbage day is early this week. [throws the antidote on him, making Serge normal]

Carl Montclaire:
There's only one problem with your plan, Polluter.

Serge Del Vechio:
Oh, what's that?

Carl Montclaire:
It stinks. [throws a stinkball at him]

[about Alex being a count]

Porter Jackson:
With all due respect, why you, Alex?

Carl Montclaire:
And with no respect, why you, Alex?

Brittany Hanson:
So, rumor has it...

Carl Montclaire:
Rumor?

Brittany Hanson:
Okay, I was eavesdropping on your whole conversation.

[Carl sits on the old woman's back while trying to make her avoid the eggs. Porter has told Brittany that Carl likes to be insulted through the megaphone]

Brittany Hanson:
You ride the grandma like my grandma!

[Porter has just made a fool of himself in front of JenJen by making horse sounds]

Carl Montclaire:
Do not bet on that horse, it's coming in last place!

Carl Montclaire:
No fear, Porter. We got Whistle Nose and Nomalon to the rescue.

Mr. Nakamora:
Do you realize how popular this is gonna make you?

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, you sound like someone I know.

Denise Simmons:
Lex is a pussycat.

Carl Montclaire:
More like an alley cat!

Carl Montclaire:
Hey, Sternberger!

Denise Simmons:
We have something to tell you! This is my boyfriend. We're together, and nothing you can do is gonna break us up.

Carl Montclaire:
Please save some snack talk for me. [to Mildred Stern] What she said!

Porter Jackson:
[about Carl and Denise] So how is it going?

Carl Montclaire:
It's going good. It's sort of relaxing, I can be myself around her. Big night, date number three. Which beats my record, by three.

Jane Casey:
Alex, could you let Alfie go for a few hours?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
But that's against the rule.

Jane Casey:
What if you were to fire him?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
But he's been an employee for less than a week.

Jane Casey:
I mean fire him for a few hours, and then rehire him.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Oh, I get it. Alfie, you're fired. See you tomorrow!

[after getting thrown first a sausage, then a pizza slice in his drink]

Porter Jackson:
Man, these drinks are fattening.

Serge Del Vechio:
[after Carl changes back] Serge feels a hole in his heart, where a girl used to be. A girl he doesn't remember the name of.

Carl Montclaire:
Ow! Oh, my back hurts!

Porter Jackson:
Join the club!

Principal Malone:
And the prom queen is... [Brittany already walks up] Brittany Hansen! [polite applause in the room]

Brittany:
What a surprise...

Principal Malone:
And the prom king is... Carl Montclaire! [Jane laughs in glee and turns to Carl, who looks stunned. The audience breaks out in one massive applause]

Jane Casey:
You're prom king!

Brittany:
That actually is a surprise.

Serge Del Vechio:
[comes up and pats Carl on his back] Congratulations, Montclaire.

Jane Casey:
You're now the most popular kid at Bennett High!

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah. I guess I am.

Jane Casey:
Go on, get your crown. [he goes on stage, receiving the crown from principal Malone. Carl smiles to Jane, who smiles back]

Brittany:
Carl, as king and queen, we have to have the first dance. It's a tradition. [Carl ignores her, and walks over to Jane instead. Jane looks stunned]

Carl Montclaire:
[putting his crown on Jane's head] I have been waiting a very long time for this moment. Jane, you've always been my prom queen. May I have this dance?

Jane Casey:
I'll always dance with you, Carl. [they smile to each other and go in tight for a slow dance. Eventually everybody start to dance. Carl looks up over Jane's shoulder]

Carl Montclaire:
Thanks, Porter.

Carl Montclaire:
Oh, hey, Jane! [Jane is in the stairs along with some other girls while Carl stands by the school entrance]

Jane Casey:
[muttering to the girls] Oh, okay, get in position.

Carl Montclaire:
I wanted to ask you something. [music starts and Jane and the girls start to dance]

Jane Casey:
[singing] I'm here to sing to you, with this song and dancing too. I'll sing and dance with pep, I'm here to take the final step! Carl Montclaire, you're the, you're the bomb, I wanna take you to the prom! [Carl looks at them, completely dumstruck]

Carl Montclaire:
[to the camera] NO! I wanted to ask Jane for prom! But she beat me to it. And how did she do it? With glitter and singing, and tap dancing! And how was I gonna do it? [holds up a note] "Jane plus Carl equals prom?"!

Jane Casey:
So are you ever gonna answer my prom invite? You are gonna go to the prom with me, aren't you?

Carl Montclaire:
You know, that's a... big thing. [Jane laughs nervously] It's huge, so... Yeah, of course. [Jane lets out a squeak of joy]

Jane Casey:
[singing] I'm going to the prom with Carl Montclaire, time to and get my hair... done.

Dr. Cassabi:
[appearing out of thin air at the prom] Porter!

Porter Jackson:
Dr. Cassabi, what's going on?

Dr. Cassabi:
I have some good news. It's about your sore back.

Porter Jackson:
You know what's been acting up?

Dr. Cassabi:
It's your wing nubs.

Jane Casey:
Wing nubs?

Porter Jackson:
Really?

Dr. Cassabi:
Yeah.

Porter Jackson:
I'm getting wings? I'm gonna be a full angel?

Carl Montclaire:
That's awesome man! That's great news, Porter!

Dr. Cassabi:
Well, it's... it's a mixed blessing.

Ms. Stern:
You have to tell him, Porter.

Porter Jackson:
[hesitantly] I never imagined it'd be this hard.

Dr. Cassabi:
I know. But it's almost time to go.

Carl Montclaire:
[incredulous] Go? Go where?

Porter Jackson:
I've completed my assignment, Carl. I was sent here to make you popular. Now... you don't need me anymore.

Jane Casey:
I'm so happy for you, but it's not gonna be the same without you. I'm gonna miss you so much, Porter. [hugs him]

Porter Jackson:
I'm gonna miss you too. [to Carl] This is it.

Carl Montclaire:
No. No, this can't be it.

Porter Jackson:
I have to go back upstairs.

Carl Montclaire:
No...

Porter Jackson:
It's just how it works, buddy. I wanna thank you for everything.

Carl Montclaire:
I wanna thank YOU for everything, Porter. [they hug] I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.

Porter Jackson:
You'll do fine, man.

Listern Sister 1:
It's time now, Porter.

Carl Montclaire:
Wait... The Listern sisters are...?

Listern Sister 2:
Yes, Carl. [they change into two beautiful angels]

Porter Jackson:
They've been watching over me.

Listern Sister 1:
Hi, Carl.

Porter Jackson:
I'm gonna stick around a little longer to make sure everything with you is okay.

Dr. Cassabi:
Porter... it's time. [Porter sighs. Carl is on the edge of crying. Jane also looks sad]

Porter Jackson:
Watch this, Carl. [he changes. His suit becomes white, and his wings grow out] Look at me, Carl!

Carl Montclaire:
Looking sharp, buddy. [everybody smile, touched]

Ms. Stern:
Come, Porter. [Porter walks over to the angels. They take one last look at Carl, who looks amazed in between his sadness. They disappear. Carl starts to sob. Jane smiles and hugs him]

Principal Malone:
Years ago, a group of students, not unlike yourself, buried it and today we get to open it and see what they left for us! So are you ready?

Jane Casey:
So ready.

Brittany Hanson:
So excited.

Serge Del Vechio:
On the edge of my seat.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
[excitedly] Everything they said, but for serious!

Denise Simmons:
Girls like confidence.

Carl Montclaire:
You lost me at confidence.

Brittany Hanson:
What is this, a buffet?

Dr. Cassabi:
How are things going, miss Hanson?

Brittany Hanson:
Terrible, Dr. Cassabi. Now that you've taken away my seat, everything is spiralled into total chaos! It's the lady bug effect!

Dr. Cassabi:
You mean the butterfly effect?

Brittany Hanson:
Whatevs! It's named after a bug because it bugs everyone!

Porter Jackson:
There he is! The man, the myth, the legend.

Carl Montclaire:
I need a nap. Do you have any idea how tireful it is leading a double life?

Porter Jackson:
Well, I am an Angel in Training posing as a high school student.

Jane Casey:
Hey! How is Operation Pulling Out Fast of Mr. Telson's going?

Carl Montclaire:
Better than Operation Finding a Shorter Name for This Mission is going.

Principal Malone:
Carl, you are the best person to host the radio show.

Carl Montclaire:
Nobody else volunteered, did they?

Principal Malone:
No. But that makes you the best.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Porter just told me you're hosting the school radio show. So can I be your sidekick? Please? It's my destiny.

Carl Montclaire:
Well, I wouldn't come between you and your destiny. What is your destiny exactly?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
My mom always told me I had a face for radio.

Carl Montclaire:
Alright, dudes and dudettes, here's a free preview on the hottest new girl band at Bennett High. [receives a note from Brittany with the band name] Brittany and the Not-Brittanys!

[Principal Malone questions one by one]

Principal Malone:
Where is Carl broadcasting from?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
I don't know, but what I do know is that the radio was invented by Marconi. That is a person, not a pasta. But if it was a pasta, I'd eat it.

Jane Casey:
Carl is broadcasting from his heart. How can you pin that down to a single location?

Brittany Hanson:
Who cares where Carl is? There are real problems in the world! Like how my girl band freaked out of jealousy and tried to sing over me? Why don't they get it? The blonde is always the star!

Denise Simmons:
Why is the blonde always the star? I try to lend people a hand and they don't even appreciate it.

Principal Malone:
[desperately] Where is Carl?

Porter Jackson:
That is a good question, principal Malone. But the more important question is... how is all this more about you?

Principal Malone:
It's... very stressful... Tell me where he is. Tell me! [the Listern sisters shake their heads simultanously]

Jane Casey:
So, fellas, did he change his mind?

Carl Montclaire:
We changed a lot of things, but his mind was not one of them.

Carl Montclaire:
[after Porter sneezes] Bless you. Huh, I just blessed you. That's funny.

Carl Montclaire:
No angel hocus pocus, all right?

Porter Jackson:
Why not? You wanna be a hero, right? Here is your chance.

Carl Montclaire:
I know, but I wanna do it without your help. Because from my experience, your help is anything but. And by anything but, I mean a big pain in the... butt, but that butt's with two t's. I'm saying probably too much already.

Jane Casey:
[interviewing] So how do you think you'll win this? [Carl talks with food in his mouth] Hm. Any advice for the kids at home? [Carl talks more with food in his mouth] That's great!

Porter Jackson:
One of the things Carl needs to learn, is that life is full of bumps and turns in the road. It's not about wanting to be on another road, but it's about being cool with the road you're already on.

[last lines]

Carl Montclaire:
Sometimes, when you lose... you win.

Jane Casey:
That's perfect.

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah. It is. [smiles to his friends, happily]

Porter Jackson:
Looks like you didn't need angel magic to win after all.

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah. Though it doesn't feel as good as I thought.

Porter Jackson:
Happens sometimes. Version one, you lost, but you were happy and you had your friends to support you. Then there's a version two, you won, but you drove them all away.

Carl Montclaire:
Plus, I had three days wicked in digestion.

Porter Jackson:
Yeah, it was hard to share a room with you. But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you the choice of what reality you wanna be in.

Carl Montclaire:
You can do that?

Porter Jackson:
It's not easy, but yeah. I'll do it for you. So which one you want? [Carl thinks for one second, then we see the reality where he throws the sandwiches away after Porter uses his magic, but with the whole school cheering for him, and his friends lined up in the first row]

Principal Mooser:
Your man is throwing all his sliders away. He is disqualified! Terondale wins!

Porter Jackson:
YES! HA HA! I LOST!

Jane Casey:
[seeing all the Porter posters] I can't believe it! You're running against us, Porter?

Porter Jackson:
I had nothing to with this, Jane, honest!

Carl Montclaire:
Well, these here just magically appeared? [muttering to Porter] Did they?

Carl Montclaire:
[under the influence of Porter's magic] Principal Malone. Teachers. Students. And friends. Today we stand at the precipice of a new day at Bennett High. A day where hope of the success of all student clubs does not live or die at the expense of a ski lift. Don't think to yourselves: "What can Bennett High do for me?" But: "What can I do for Bennett High?" Let our class not be divided by coolness and practicality, but be joined as one. One unit. United under the proud yellow and the mighty roof.

Porter Jackson:
I, Porter Jackson, don't wanna be president. That's all. [the audience applauds massively]

[about who should help Carl prepare for his date]

Carl Montclaire:
So, it should be a girl who can be completely objective.

Porter Jackson:
Someone who has absolutely no feelings for you whatsoever.

Carl Montclaire, Porter Jackson:
[simultaneously] Jane.

Carl Montclaire:
Well. Here we are. I had a great time tonight, Jane.

Jane Casey:
I'm sure Sarah's gonna have just as much fun as I did. So, the last stage is kiss Sarah good night.

Carl Montclaire:
Right.

Jane Casey:
Don't be shy, Carl. [Carl leans forward and kisses her on her cheek. After that, they look at each other for several seconds, and then they kiss]

Carl Montclaire:
[breaks it up] Um, right... That was...

Jane Casey:
Um... Yeah. We should do this again some time! Should we do this again some time?

Carl Montclaire:
[trying to stay in character] Uh, yeah, sure. I'd love a second date, Sarah.

Jane Casey:
Oh, I meant... [realizing] Yeah. Sarah would love a second date. [she smiles as she takes him by the hand] She really would.

Carl Montclaire:
That went well. Yeah. I saw her, approached her, said hi... "Hey, it's Carl!" [laughs nervously] Shared a laugh... [laughs exaggerately] Gave the deets... Yeah. And now I'm standing here talking to myself... but who cares!

Serge Del Vechio:
Hey, are you high fiving 'cause you got a second date with One-Date Davis?

Carl Montclaire:
No, there will be no second date with Sarah.

Serge Del Vechio:
I knew it!

Carl Montclaire:
I know, you were right.

Serge Del Vechio:
Oh, don't worry, Montclaire, better men than you have tried and failed. Like me.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
And worse men have tried and failed too, like me! [Alex and Serge do a high five]

Carl Montclaire:
Well, I'm never doing that ever again.

Porter Jackson:
Come on, you gotta give it at least one more try.

Carl Montclaire:
Why? If that broadcast was a weather event, it would've been a class four hurricane.

Porter Jackson:
So let me get this straight. You went from watching a movie with Jane to watch a movie FOR Jane, by yourself?

Carl Montclaire:
You know what? There's Jane, there is a movie, close enough.

Carl Montclaire:
[inside the movie] It's... 2450... and they still haven't invented jetpacks?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Please leave a message, unless this is Carl Montclaire. In which case, hang up after the "jerk". Jeeeeeeeerk...

Jane Casey:
Hi, Carl. Porter.

Carl Montclaire:
Wow. Thanks for the, uh, party gift, Alex.

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
Sweet! We're the first ones here.

Jane Casey:
That's not sweet. I was trying to make a point of being fashionably late. Right now we're out of style.

Serge Delvecchio:
I'm gonna force you not to use the letter D. Goo' luck.

Brittany Hanson:
Hi, guys, I loved the surprise party you threw for me.

Carl Montclaire:
Uh, thanks, but it wasn't a surprise party.

Brittany Hanson:
I'm calling it a surprise party, because at first I thought it was gonna suck, but then, surprise! It was awesome.

Serge Delvecchio:
Am I getting it? Am I bustin' moves?

Jane Casey:
You're bustin' somethin'!

Mr. Nakamura:
I wanna thank you all for signing up. I appreciate the enthusiasm. Maybe this year, we can end the Bennett High losing streak.

Carl Montclaire:
Bennett High hasn't won since 1967. [Jane looks at him weirdly] I looked it up online. But hey, maybe it'll be a question.

Mr. Nakamura:
The first order of business is to nominate a captain. [Jane raises her hand] Jane?

Jane Casey:
I'd love to, but principal Malone won't let me captain more than 25 clubs.

Mr. Nakamura:
Serge?

Serge Del Vechio:
Serge is not captain of losing teams.

Mr. Nakamura:
Brittany?

Brittany Hanson:
I totally would! But... I don't want to.

Mr. Nakamura:
Alex?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez:
I can't be captain! I've never been on a boat. Plus, I get sea sick.

Dr. Cassabi:
[watching a screen with Porter] Looks like they're having a little trouble finding a team captain.

Porter Jackson:
Once again, Carl's gonna need a little push. [Porter makes a move with his head, and Carl's hand magically and very reluctantly raises in the classroom]

Carl Montclaire:
I'd like to nominate myself... [muttering to himself] Porter...

Carl Montclaire:
[after Porter magically gives himself swimming feet] I'd like to see you play basketball in those! Although you'd probably still hit more free throws than me.

Serge Del Vechio:
She takes my breath away.

Carl Montclaire:
[out of breath after running] Mine too.

Carl Montclaire:
Serge! Uh, look, about last night...

Serge Del Vechio:
You mean the night I was invited to dinner, and then you flirted with my girlfriend!

Carl Montclaire:
She's not actually your girlfriend.

Serge Del Vechio:
Says you.

Carl Montclaire:
The point is, Bianca was just... uh... uh, showing me wrestling moves!

Serge Del Vechio:
A wrestling move? How stupid do you think I am?

Carl Montclaire:
Let's stick to one subject at a time.

Jane Casey:
Don't you think it'll be exciting to be on the same team?

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah. I've just never debated before.

Jane Casey:
True, true. But this way we can spend more time together! Isn't that great?

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah! I'm just a horrible debater.

Jane Casey:
No, you're not.

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, I am.

Jane Casey:
No, you're not!

Carl Montclaire:
Yes, I am!

Jane Casey:
No, you're not!

Carl Montclaire:
[in a settling tone] Yes, I am.

Jane Casey:
Ah! You got me! See, what a great debater, oh, good work! We'll talk about this at Yolanda's.

Carl Montclaire:
Yeah, but...

Jane Casey:
Ah, ah, ah... You've already won the argument. [pickles his nose and leaves]

Carl Montclaire:
[speaking to Jane in front of the whole school] Jane, you once told me that all I had to do was speak from my heart. Well, my heart is screaming at the top of my lounges. It's saying that we belong together. Thank you.

[last lines]

Carl Montclaire:
Do you wanna grab something to eat?

Principal Malone:
That sounds great, let me grab my coat!

Carl Montclaire:
Actually, principal Malone...

Principal Malone:
Oh, of course, right. You were talking to Jane. Oh, raincheck, heh! [leaves them]

Jane Casey:
I would love to. Yolanda's?

Carl Montclaire:
I was thinking the food crop at the mall.

Jane Casey:
I'm not so sure. Let me hear your arguments. [they smile as they walk hand in hand]

Jane Casey:
I just wanna say, if I've done anything to upset you, I'm sorry. I just couldn't bear the idea of us not being friends.

Carl Montclaire:
And I just wanna say that I haven't been myself lately. Especially today. It's been like someone's been inhabiting my body. So I'm sorry for that. And I also wanna say that... uh... that... [Jane moves closer, touching his shoulder]

Jane Casey:
Yes, Carl?

Carl Montclaire:
I'm... You're my best friend, and I don't want anything to get in the way of that. [Jane smiles, and then they hug. Carl looks a little disappointed, but still relieved when he looks at Porter over her shoulder]

Porter Jackson:
Okay, here it goes. [they switch bodies first time] Did it work?

Dr. Cassabi:
[in Dennis' body] Nope.

Denise Simmons:
[in Dr. Cassabi's body] Hey, look at me! I'm the big boss! [looks at his butt] Woah, emphasis on big!

Carl Montclaire:
I'm good. Nice job, Porter.

Porter Jackson:
I switched three people this time. That's pretty cool.

Dr. Cassabi:
[in Dennis' body] Focus, Porter! And try it again!

Porter Jackson:
Alright, alright... Here it goes. [they switch bodies second time]

Dr. Cassabi:
[in Carl's body] Testing, testing. Oh, boy.

Carl Montclaire:
[in Cassabi's body] Hey! I said I was good!

Porter Jackson:
I'm trying here!

Denise Simmons:
[in Dennis' body] Well, try harder! I'm stuck back in this fur bag again!

Porter Jackson:
I don't know how much I got left in me.

Carl Montclaire:
[in Cassabi's body] Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say you better have at least one more in ya!

Porter Jackson:
Alright, alright. I'll give it a try. [they switch bodies a third time. Dennis goes through the roof and doesn't come back. Instead, Denise appears, back in her own body]

Dr. Cassabi:
Hey, hey! I'm me again! Denise! Is everybody alright?

Carl Montclaire:
I'm me.

Porter Jackson:
Great to have you back, Carl! Dr. Cassabi!

Denise Simmons:
Woo-hooh! Five fingers, five toes... No tails... I'm back, Dr. Cassabi! [Dr. Cassabi roars of pleasure and they hug]

Dr. Cassabi:
It's so good to see you again! Carl, Porter... This is Denise.

Carl Montclaire:
Nice to meet you! Now that you're not me.

Porter Jackson:
Wait! Where is the puppet? [they all look up, seeing a raccoon big hole in the ceiling]

Dr. Cassabi:
Oh. I'm gonna miss the little guy. Eh. Heh. Not so much.

Denise Simmons:
Freaky doodle!

Carl Montclaire:
I can't have my laptop in detention.

Porter Jackson:
And I can't stop being handsome. We all got our problems.

Brittany:
It's totally simple. If like-like means like-like, then that's fine. And if re-like means re-like, then that's also fine. But if like-like means re-like, then that can turn into de-like. And nobody likes that.

Mr. Telson:
Next event will be the angle shot!

Carl Montclaire:
Don't you mean basketball? [Mr. Telson walks off screen for a couple of seconds, then comes in again]

Mr. Telson:
I mean the ANGLE SHOT!

Serge Del Vechio:
We have to make baskets from farther and farther away, and from more and more complicated angles. You miss a shot, you lose. [turns away while Porter talks]

Porter Jackson:
And as we all know, Serge doesn't miss.

Serge Del Vechio:
[looks at him again] Sorry, what was that, I missed you.

Carl Montclaire:
[standing several feet away] Mr. Telson teaches here, how is he impartial?

Mr. Telson:
Hey, stow it, Montclaire! I'm impartial because I happen to hate everybody EQUALLY!

Carl Montclaire:
How did you hear that?

Mr. Telson:
Because my anger pumps adrenalin to my system, which heightens my senses, and right now, I have the hearing of a fruit rat!

Carl Montclaire:
[muttering] Man, and the subtlety of a baseball bat.

Mr. Telson:
I heard that too.