Wreck-It Ralph

Wreck-It Ralph:
My name's Ralph, and I'm a bad guy. Uh, let's see...I'm 9 feet tall, I weigh 643 pounds, got a bit of a temper on me. My passion level's very near the surface, I guess, not gonna lie. Anyhoo, what else, uh... I'm a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I'm very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing's the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr. So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He's nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, you will not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, ha! And no, there aren't. For thirty years I have been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go. It's sad. Think about those guys at Asteroids? Boom, gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it.

Wreck-It Ralph:
I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be... than me.

Wreck-It Ralph:
The best part of my day, is when the Nicelanders throw me off the roof. Because when they lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can watch Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, and the players love her, glitches and all, just like I knew they would. That's when I realize - I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that kid likes me, how bad can I be?

Clyde:
Question, Ralph. We've been asking you to Bad-Anon for years now, and tonight you finally show up. Why is that?

Ralph:
I dunno, I just felt like coming. I mean, I suppose it has something to do with the fact that uh... well, today's the 30th anniversary of my game.

Satan:
Happy anniversary, Ralph.

Ralph:
Thanks, Satan.

Satan:
Uh, it's "Sah-teen", actually.

Ralph:
Got it. But here's the thing. [pause] I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.

[The Bad-Anon members gasp, Bowser breathes fire balls & Clyde turns blue]

Kano:
You can't mess with the program, Ralph!

Bison:
You're not goin' Turbo, are you?

Ralph:
Turbo?! No, I'm not going Turbo! C'mon, guys! Is it "Turbo" to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once in a while? Is it "Turbo" to want more out of life?

Zombie:
Yes.

Clyde:
Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. The sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.

Zangief:
Hey. One game at a time, Ralph.

[Wynnchel and Duncan roll in the giant cupcake in which a taffy-covered Ralph is currently trapped.]

King Candy:
Sour Bill, de-taffy-fy this monster so we can see what we're up against here!

Sour Bill:
Mmkay.

[Sour Bill rips the taffy off of Ralph's head; Ralph howls in pain.]

King Candy:
Milk my Duds! It's Wreck-It Ralph!

Ralph:
Yeah. Who are you, the guy that makes the donuts?

King Candy:
Hoo-hoo, please! No, I'm King Candy!

[Ralph looks around the pink-walled throne room.]

Ralph:
I see you're a fan of pink.

King Candy:
Salmon! Salmon, that's obviously salm-- What are you doing here?

Ralph:
Look, Your Candiness, this is just a big misunderstanding. Just get me out of this cupcake, I'll get my medal, and I'll be out of your way.

King Candy:
Your medal? Hoo-hoo-hoo! Bad guys don't win medals!

Ralph:
Well, this one did. I earned it over in Hero's Duty.

King Candy:
[suddenly serious] You game-jumped? Ralph... you're not going Turbo, are you?

Ralph:
What? No, no, no...

[The Oreo guards surround King Candy and point their spears at Ralph.]

King Candy:
Because if you think you can come in here, heh, to my kingdom, and take over my game, you've got another think coming!

Ralph:
EASY, Your Puffiness! It's not my fault one of your Children of the Candy Corn stole my medal.

King Candy:
"Children of the candy corn"? Who -- [gasps] The glitch! The coin she used to buy her way into the race, that was your medal?

Ralph:
She did what?! I need that back!

King Candy:
Well, I'm afraid I can't help you, it's gone, you know. It's, it's nothing but code now! And it'll stay that way until someone wins the cup at the end of the race!

Ralph:
Well, maybe I'll just have to have a little talk with the winner, then.

King Candy:
[getting in Ralph's face] Is that a threat I smell? [recoiling] Ye-whoa! Beyond the halitosis you so obviously suffer from...

Ralph:
Listen, Nellie Wafer, I'm not leavin' without my medal!

King Candy:
Yes, you are! Wynnchel, Duncan, get him out of that cupcake and on the first train back home. And if I ever see you here again, Wreck-It Ralph... hoo-hoo, I'll lock you in my Fungeon!

Ralph:
...Fungeon?

King Candy:
Fun dungeon. Y'know, it's a play on words? Hoo-hoo...it's a fun... Never mind! Now, I've got a glitch to deal with, thanks to you. Goodbye, Wreck-It Ralph! It hasn't been a pleasure!

[Ralph turns to face Vanellope. She gets up off the ground, sniffling.]

Vanellope:
What are you looking at?

Ralph:
You're welcome, ya rotten little thief.

Vanellope:
I'm not a thief! I just borrowed your stupid coin, I was gonna give it back to you as soon as I won the race.

Ralph:
It's not a coin! It's a medal!

Vanellope:
Coin, medal, whatever, just go back to your own dumb game and win another one.

Ralph:
I can't. I didn't win it in my game, I won it in Hero's Duty.

[Vanellope glitches.]

Vanellope:
Hero's Doody?

[She bursts out laughing.]

Ralph:
[losing patience] It's not that kind of doody!

Vanellope:
[through laughter] I bet you really gotta watch where you step in a game called Hero's Doody! Ha ha ha! What'd you win the medal for, wiping?

[Ralph rolls his eyes.]

Vanellope:
I hope you washed your hands after you handled that medal!

Ralph:
Listen --

Vanellope:
One more, one more - why did the hero flush the toilet? ...Say "Why?"

Ralph:
[unimpressed] Why.

Vanellope:
Because it was his doody!

Ralph:
How dare you insult Hero's Duty, you little guttersnipe! I earned that medal! And you better get it back for me toute-suite, sister!

Vanellope:
Well, unless you've got a go-kart hidden in the fat folds of your neck, I can't help ya!

[At his breaking point, Ralph starts taking out his anger by smashing apart the candy that litters the junkyard; he comes across a jawbreaker and hits it repeatedly.]

Vanellope:
[to herself] What a moron. [to Ralph] Hey, genius! That's a jawbreaker! You're never gonna -- [Ralph finally manages to smash the jawbreaker open. Vanellope gives an impressed smile. Ralph sits down, exhausted, and Vanellope approaches him] Enjoy your little tantrum, Diaper-Baby?

Ralph:
Leave me alone.

Vanellope:
Look, you want that medal, right? And I wanna race. So here's what I'm thinkin'. You help me get a new kart - a real kart - and I'll win the race and get you back your medal!

Ralph:
You want me to help you?

Vanellope:
All you gotta do is break somethin' for me. C'mon, what do you say, friend? [extends her hand]

Ralph:
We are not friends.

Vanellope:
Aw, c'mon, pal! You son-of-a-gun! C'mon, buddy! Shake on it! C'mon, chumbo! Ralph, my man! M' main man! [seriously] ...Hey. My arm's getting tired. Do we have a deal or not?

Ralph:
[groans, giving in] You better win. [shakes Vanellope's hand]

[Sour Bill is cleaning up Vanellope's broken go-kart]

Ralph:
Hey, Cough Drop! Explain somethin' to me; If Vanellope was never meant to exist, then why is her picture on the side of the game console?

Sour Bill:
Uh...

[Sour Bill tries to make a run for it, but Ralph grabs him.]

Ralph:
What's goin' on in this candy-coated heart of darkness?

Sour Bill:
Nothin'.

Ralph:
Talk!

Sour Bill:
No.

Ralph:
I'll lick you!

Sour Bill:
You wouldn't.

Ralph:
Oh yeah?

[Ralph licks him.]

Sour Bill:
Ugh! It's like sandpaper!

Ralph:
Mmm, I wonder how many licks it'll take to get to your center?

Sour Bill:
I'll take it to my grave!

Ralph:
Fair enough. [tosses Sour Bill into his mouth] Oh, they call you Sour Bill for a reason! [Sour Bill lets out a muffled scream and Ralph takes him out] Had enough yet?

Sour Bill:
Okay, okay, I'll talk, I'll talk! Vanellope was a racer until King Candy tried to delete her code!

Ralph:
Tried to delete her code? So that's why she's a glitch! Why is he doing this to her?!

Sour Bill:
I don't know!

Ralph:
Suit yourself. [starts to put Sour Bill back in his mouth]

Sour Bill:
No, no, no, no, no, no! I swear I don't know! He literally locked up our memories and I cannot remember! Nobody can! But I do know this. He'll do anything to keep her from racing. Because if she crosses the finish line, the game will reset and she won't be a glitch anymore!

Ralph:
Where is she now?

Sour Bill:
In the fungeon with Fix-It Felix.

Ralph:
Felix?!

Sour Bill:
I'm sorry! That's all I know, that's all I know, I swear! Now please, don't put me back in your filthy mouth again!

[Sour Bill sobs and Ralph sticks him to a lollipop tree]

Ralph:
Stick around! [gathers up the remains of Vanellope's broken go-kart and takes off]

Sour Bill:
Yes, okay, I will, I will. Thank you.

Felix:
What do you have to say for yourself?! I don't want to hear it. I'm not talking to you.

Ralph:
Okay. Don't talk. That's fine but ya have to fix this go-kart for me, pronto.

Felix:
I don't have to do squat! Forgive my potty mouth. I'm just so... so cross with you! Do you have any idea what you've put me through?! I ran higgeldy-piggeldy all over creation looking for you! I almost drowned in chocolate milk mix! And then... I met the most dynamite gal. Oh. She gives me the honey glows somethin' awful. But... she rebuffed my affections. And then... I GOT THROWN IN JAIL!

Ralph:
Felix, pull yourself together!

Felix:
NO, Ralph! You don't know what it's like to be rejected and treated like a criminal! [turns away]

Ralph:
Yes, I do. That's every day of my life.

Felix:
It is?

Ralph:
Which is why I ran off and tried to be a good guy, but I'm not! I'm just a bad guy and I need your help. There's a little girl whose only hope is this kart. Please, Felix, fix it and I promise, I will never try to be good again.

[Felix smiles and pulls out his hammer]

[King Candy smashes his kart into Vanellope's]

King Candy:
Get off of my track!

Vanellope:
Hey! What are you, crazy?!

King Candy:
I forbid you... to cross... the finish line! [tries to whack Vanellope with the cane on his kart]

Vanellope:
Knock it off!

[back at the finish line, Ralph and Felix are fighting off the Cybugs]

Felix:
Ralph, look! [points to King Candy and Vanellope on the Jumbotron]

Ralph:
Kid!

[King Candy smashes the windscreen on Vanellope's kart, before she grabs the end of the cane in his hands. She glitches which travels up the cane and into King Candy who starts to glitch too]

King Candy:
Let me go -- I'm not letting you undo all my hard work!

[back at the finish line, as King Candy and Vanellope fight on the Jumbotron, Ralph and Felix see him start to glitch into a familiar white and red person...]

Felix:
Is that... [King Candy stops glitching for a moment, revealing his true form. Felix's jaw drops]

Ralph:
No way!

[on the track, King Candy lets go of the cane as his true form is revealed]

Vanellope:
What the -- Who are you?!

Turbo:
I'm Turbo, the greatest racer ever! And I did not reprogram this world to let you and that halitosis-riddled warthog take it away from me!

Sour Bill:
All hail the rightful ruler of Sugar Rush... Princess Vanellope.

[Taffyta gasps]

Taffyta:
I remember! She's our princess!

Candlehead:
Oh, that's right!

Taffyta:
We are so sorry about the way we treated you!

Rancis:
Yeah, those were, uh, jokes!

Candlehead:
[sobs] I was just doing what Taffyta told me to do!

Vanellope:
Tut tut! As your merciful princess, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me shall be... [other racers look on with anticipation] ...Executed.

Racers:
WHAT?!

Taffyta:
No, no, no, please! Please!

Felix:
Oh my land!

Calhoun:
Well, this place just got interesting.

[Taffyta drops to her knees]

Taffyta:
No! I don't wanna die!

Vanellope:
Ah, I'm just kiddin'!

Taffyta:
You are?

Vanellope:
Stop crying, Taffyta.

Taffyta:
[hyperventilates] I'm trying! It won't stop!

The story of a regular guy just looking for a little wreck-ognition.

This November, he's exploring new worlds, he's meeting new friends... he's got ONE chance to play the hero.

This holiday season comes a story for everyone who ever needed a restart on life.

When the game is over, a new world comes to life.

Get ready for a new kind of hero.

Ralph:
I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.

[the Bad-Anon members gasp; Bowser breathes fire balls; Clyde turns blue]

Kano:
You can't mess with the program, Ralph!

Bison:
You're not goin' Turbo, are you?

Ralph:
Turbo?! No, I'm not going Turbo! C'mon, guys! Is it "Turbo" to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once in a while? Is it "Turbo" to want more out of life?

Zombie:
Yes.

Clyde:
Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. The sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.

Zangief:
Hey. One game at a time, Ralph.

[Vanellope's glitch causes King Candy to start glitching, which in turn reveals King Candy's true form:
Turbo]

Vanellope:
What the— Who are you?!

Turbo:
I'm Turbo, the greatest racer ever! And I did not reprogram this world to let you and that halitosis-riddled warthog take it away from me!

Wreck-It Ralph:
I'm gonna wreck it!

[As Ralph is heading to Fix-It Felix, Jr. game, he stops to see Q*bert and his friends sad. They hold a sign that reads, "Game-less. Just been unplugged"]

Ralph:
Here you go, buddy. [puts a cherry down] It's fresh. Straight from Pac-Man's. Hang in there, guys.

[Alarm blares as Ralph heads inside.]

Surge Protector:
Name?!

[Ralph groans in frustration]

[Ralph and Gene are arguing about Ralph being "just the bad guy"]

Ralph:
No, I'm not!

Gene:
Yes, you are!

Ralph:
No, I'M NOT!!!! [smashes the cake and everyone gasps]

Gene:
Yes, you are.

Ralph:
Alright, Gene. You know what?! I'm gonna win a medal. Oh, I am gonna win a medal! The shiniest medal this place has ever seen! A medal that will be so good that it will make Felix's medals wet their pants! And good night! Thank you for the party. [Ralph exits]

Ralph:
[looking into lost and found crate] Okay, let's see what we got here. [a cockroach lands on his hand] Shoo! Shoo! Go on, get out of here. [flicks it off, finds a Super Mushroom] Mushroom? No. [puts it back, finds a Metal Gear exclamation point] What is this? No. [tosses it, finds Zangief's underwear] Come on, Zangief. Gross. [tosses back in] What am I doing?

[a heavily-armored space marine, Markowski bumps past Ralph]

Ralph:
Hey, excuse you!

[Markowski staggers on and right into the wall again and again, in a walk cycle.]

Markowski:
[mumbling, shell-shocked] We are humanity's last hope. Our mission? Destroy all Cy-Bugs. We are humanity's last hope.

Ralph:
[stands and looks at him, curious] Uh... You okay there, space cadet?

[Markowski whips around quickly and grabs Ralph by the collar.]

Markowski:
[traumatized] We've only been plugged in a week, and every day it's "Climb the building, then fight bugs. Climb the building, fight more bugs!"

Ralph:
Yeah, yeah. Right. Look. Easy on the overalls, spaceman. It's tough all over, all right?

Markowski:
And all for what? A lousy medal?

Ralph:
[ding] Medal? You win a medal?

Markowski:
Yeah, Medal of Heroes.

Ralph:
Ooh. Is it shiny?

Markowski:
Eh-Pretty shiny.

Ralph:
Ooh! And it says "hero" on it?

Markowski:
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Ralph:
And you say you win it by climbing a building?

Markowski:
AND FIGHTING BUGS!

Ralph:
Right, bugs. Listen, is there any chance I could go with you to your game and, you know, maybe get one of those medals?

Markowski:
Negatory.

Ralph:
Does that mean maybe?

Markowski:
No! Look, only the bravest and the best serve in our corps. [sees a cockroach who climbs on Ralph's shoulder] BUG!!!! [shrieks and runs himself into the wall, knocking himself out]

[Ralph sees the helmet rolling to him in front, then flicks the cockroach off again.]

[The Moppet Girl is trying to play Fix-It Felix Jr., but something is wrong with it.]

Moppet Girl:
Mr. Litwak!

Litwak:
What's the trouble, sweetheart?

Moppet Girl:
The game's busted.

[Litwak takes a look at the game. He sees the Nicelanders running around and panicking on screen while Felix tries calming them down.]

Litwak:
Oh boy. Looks like the game's gone cuckoo, like my nana. Sorry, sweetie. Here's your quarter back.

Moppet Girl:
But what about the game?

Litwak:
I'll have someone look at it tomorrow, but if he can't fix it, it might be time to put old Ralph and Felix out to pasture. Like my nana.

Segrant:
[to Ralph; after she slapped him] (Quiet, you!) Hope you're happy, junkpile, [points at Ralph] this game is goin' down and it's all your fault!!!

Felix:
My lady! You came back!

Ralph:
Bring it home, kid, the finish line's wide open! [Vanellopes Candy Kart is defeat and slight pause; Ralph shocked] No! Kid! Kid, are you okay?!

Wreck-it Ralph:
You!

Wreck-it Ralph:
Yes, I do. That's every day of my life.

Wreck-it Ralph:
[to Turbo] Why are you people so against her?!

Wreck-it Ralph:
[to Vanellope] No, you're not!

Wreck-it Ralph:
But I'm trying to save your skin, kid!

Vanellope Von Schweetz:
You're not from here, right?

Fix-it Felix Jr.:
I can fix it!

Fix-it Felix Jr.:
[repeated line] Oh, my land!

Fix-it Felix Jr.:
Ralph's gone Turbo?

Fix-it Felix Jr.:
Oh, why do I fix everything I touch?

Sergeant Tamora Jean Calhoun:
It's make-your-mamas-proud time!

Soundtrack: He was minding his own business on the day they came They showed a piece of paper saying "eminent domain" They built an apartment building saying progress was to blame So he got mad And he turned bad Brick by brick he's gonna take his land back

[Wreck it Ralph is at Bad Anon where he just finished how hard his life and game is, everyone starts clapping]

Clyde:
Nice share, Ralph. As fellow Bad Guys, we've all felt what you're feeling and we've come to terms with it.

Ralph:
Really?

Zangief:
Right here. I am Zangief. I am Bad Guy.

Everyone including Ralph:
Hi, Zangief.

Zangief:
I relate to you, Ralph. When I hit bottom, I was crushing man's skull like sparrow egg between my thighs. [in meantime, smacks his thigh] And I think, "Why do you have to be so bad, Zangief? Why can't you be more like Good Guy?" Then I have moment of clarity. If Zangief is Good Guy, who'll crush man's skull like sparrow's egg between thighs? [Smacks his thigh again] And I say, "Zangief, you are Bad Guy, but this does not mean you are 'bad' guy."

[Everyone claps at Zangief's understandings except Ralph] Ralph:
Right. I'm sorry. You lost me there

Zombie:
Zombie! Bad Guy!

Everyone including Ralph:
Hi Zombie.

Zombie:
Zangief saying labels not make you happy. Good! Bad! [Growls] You must love you.

Kano:
Yeah! Inside Here! [He rips out Zombie's heart]

Ralph:
Okay. All right, I get you. Watch out. It's dripping.

Clyde:
Question, Ralph. We've been asking you to Bad-Anon for years now, and tonight you finally show up. Why is that?

Ralph:
I dunno, I just felt like coming. I mean, I suppose it has something to do with the fact that uh... well, today's the 30th anniversary of my game.

Satan:
Happy anniversary, Ralph.

Ralph:
Thanks, Satan.

Satan:
Uh, it's "Sateen", actually.

Ralph:
Got it. But here's the thing... I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.

[The Bad-Anon members gasp, Bowser breathes fire balls & Clyde turns blue]

Kano:
You can't mess with the program, Ralph!

Bison:
You're not goin' Turbo, are you?

Ralph:
Turbo?! No, I'm not going Turbo! C'mon, guys! Is it "Turbo" to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once in a while? Is it "Turbo" to want more out of life?

Zombie:
Yes.

Clyde:
Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. The sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.

Zangief:
Hey. One game at a time, Ralph.