Bad Moms2016

Amy:
Hi, um, my name is Amy Mitchell and I am running for PTA President.

[the auditorium is silent]

Gwendolyn:
Keep going. You’re doing great.

Amy:
I know after the other day a lot of you think I’m a pretty bad mom...And you know what? You’re right.

Kiki:
Why did we make her do this?!

Carla:
I don’t know I think we made a huge mistake!

Amy:
Sometimes I’m too strict with my kids, sometimes I’m too nice, and sometimes I’m just a crazy b*tch who doesn’t make any sense...What works on my daughter almost never works on my son, and whenever I think I might actually be figuring my kids out, they grow older and I’m back to square one. The truth is, when it comes to being a mom...I have no f***ing clue what I’m doing. But you know what? I don’t think anyone does.

[scattered applause]

Amy:
I think we’re all bad moms. And you know why? Because being a mom today is f***ing impossible.

[more applause]

Amy:
So can we all just stop pretending like we’ve got it all figured out and maybe stop judging each other all the time?

Kiki:
She’s doing great!

Carla:
I know I never doubted her.

Amy:
I’m running for PTA president because I want our school to be a place where you don’t have to be perfect. A place where you can be yourself and make mistakes and where you’re judged by how hard you’re trying not by what you bring to the f***ing bake sale. I want our school to be a place where it’s okay to be a bad mom.

Woman #1:
My kids haven’t had a bath in three weeks!

[laughter and applause]

Amy:
Yes! We all do that sometimes.

Woman #2:
I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the sh*t out of it!

Carla:
What's your number?

Woman #3:
I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night so I can watch The Voice.

Woman #4:
I can't tell my twins apart!

Woman #5:
I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.

Woman #6:
I drink margaritas for breakfast.

Woman #7:
I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

[Woman #8 stands and speaks in Russian]

Carla:
Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.

Woman #9:
I like my nanny better than I like my husband.

Carla:
Wait, really? Yeah, you do!

Woman #10:
I don't even have kids! I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.

Kiki:
Aw.

Amy:
Here's the thing. If you're a perfect mom who's got this whole parenting thing figured out, well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn, 'cause she's amazing. Yes. But if you're a bad mom like me and you have no f***ing clue what you're doing, or you're just sick of being judged all the time... Then please vote for me. Thank you.