The Golden Girls, Season 1

Rose:
What a day. One sad person after another.

Dorothy:
Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?

Blanche:
Oh, Dorothy. Can I borrow your mink stole?

Dorothy:
It's Miami in June. Only CATS are wearing fur.

Rose:
Blanche, are you going out?

Dorothy:
No, Rose. She's gonna sit here where it's 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

Dorothy:
Oh, it is wonderful dating in Miami. All the single men under 80 are cocaine smugglers.

Blanche:
Oh, Sophia. How nice to see you.

Sophia:
Who are you?

Blanche:
It's me, Blanche.

Sophia:
You look like a prostitute.

Dorothy:
Honey, are you alright?

Rose:
I'll be fine.

Blanche:
Is this about Arnie?

Dorothy:
No, Blanche. She's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Blanche:
I'm going to have to meet men lying down.

Sophia:
I thought you did.

Blanche:
I wish I hired a decorator... Nancy Reagan's decorator. That would kill my sister!

Blanche:
You've never heard about anyone hating their sister?

Rose:
Never. Maybe it's Southern.

Blanche:
Sleeping with your brothers is Southern!

Blanche:
Dorothy, what in the world is that?

Dorothy:
It's a flounder, Blanche.

Blanche:
We cannot have a baby in the house! My sister's coming.

Dorothy:
Does she eat them?

Blanche:
I need both of my kidneys. You know what will happen if I give her one? My ankles will swell, my eyes will puff up. I'll look just like the Pillsbury Doughboy!

Rose:
Why would Virginia need a kidney?

Dorothy:
TO FEED THE CAT, ROSE!

Rose:
The doctor says it's the first time he's ever been called because a baby was sleeping in the day. And then I think he called me an idiot.

Rose:
[about Blanche] Wherever she goes, she finds a man!

Sophia:
So do hookers.

Blanche:
She's dying.

Dorothy:
What?

Blanche:
My sister's dying.

Rose:
[entering] What?

Sophia:
Dying, she's dying.

Rose:
[assuming Blanche is dying] Oh my God, Blanche! I didn't even know you were sick.

Dorothy:
No, no. Virginia is.

Rose:
Oh, thank God!

Sophia:
[angrily, after the girls choose Mama Celeste's pizza over hers in a taste test] You can't pick men and you can't pick pizza!

Sophia:
Let me tell you a story. Sicily. 1912. Picture this. Two young girls, best friends, who share three things: a pizza recipe, some dough and a dream. Everything is going great until one day a fast talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, the pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste.

Blanche:
But Dr. Clayton wants me. I can feel it.

Dorothy:
Let someone else feel it.

Blanche:
But we were meant for each other. I'm a woman and he's a man.

Dorothy:
And what am I, Little Richard?

Rose:
'What kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man. They could have a child! [Blanche looks at her strangely] ...They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei Ling's coming out party... [pauses as Blanche looks exasperated] ...Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?

Blanche:
Not as much as I have listening to that story.

Rose:
Forget the story. You have to tell Dorothy, she's your friend!

Blanche:
You're right. She is my best friend.

Rose:
I thought I was your best friend!

Blanche:
You were until you told me that story.

Sophia:
I'm an old white woman. I'm not supposed to have color. You want color? Talk to Lena Horne.

Blanche:
[introducing herself to Dr. Clayton] My name is Blanche Devereaux. That's French for... Blanche Devereaux.

Blanche:
The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau.

Rose:
And her beau?

Blanche:
That's right, Anderbeau Johnson. Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader sweater from the inside. So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy?

Rose:
I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.

Rose:
[pretending to flirt with Elliot to make him confess to hitting on Blanche] Did anyone ever tell you, you look just like Jerry Vale?

Elliot:
No.

Rose:
They should. He's the only man in the world that can make the hair on my arms stand up. [begins suggestively bobbing up and down] Can I fix you a drink?

Elliot:
No thank you. Is something wrong with your leg?

Rose:
Nothing you can't fix, [breathily] Doctor Man!

Elliot:
I beg your pardon?

Rose:
I know I look square, but I'm like my father's tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going I can turn your topsoil till the cows come home.

Elliot:
Rose, please!

Rose:
Wanna see some Polaroids of me in my tennis skirt?

Elliot:
I take it we're not playing golf.

Dorothy:
We're not playing anything anymore.

Blanche:
Nobody ever believes me when I'm telling the truth. I guess it's the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.

Dorothy:
Oh, please!

Blanche:
The only other woman who could possibly understand what I've been through is Priscilla Presley and Susan Anton. [beat] No, not Susan Anton.

Dorothy:
I do not snore.

Sophia:
Please, I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!

[later]

Dorothy:
Ma, I do not snore.

Sophia:
Please! I had to turn you away from the windows so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!

Rose:
This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".

Dorothy:
[correcting her] Night, Rose.

Rose:
[heading to her room] Night, Dorothy.

Dorothy:
How am I supposed to study for my French final with a fourteen-year-old in the house? It's hard enough with an eighty-year old.

Sophia:
Are you referring to me?

Dorothy:
Of course not, Ma. I'm referring to Cary Grant. He's living in the broom closet.

Blanche:
[after Sophia slaps David for mouthing off] Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?

Sophia:
No. We also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche:
Well, I am stunned. Just stunned. Stunned is the only way to describe how... stunned I am!

Dorothy:
Just a minute, just a minute, Blanche. Are you trying to tell us that you are stunned?

Blanche:
Oh, we've practiced enough! Every morning before work, every evening after work... all I ever wanted was to look cute in my bowling outfit.

Rose:
I wonder why Italian men are so romantic.

Dorothy:
It's the tight pants, Rose.

Blanche:
Well, what do you know? Sophia has a past!

Sophia:
That's right! But unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.

[Blanche is asleep at the table. Dorothy wants to practice]

Dorothy:
Blanche, let's go.

[Blanche murmurs in her sleep]

Dorothy:
Come on, Blanche. Let's go!

[Blanche murmurs again. Dorothy speaks in a manly whisper]

Dorothy:
Blanche, wake up. My wife will be home any minute.

[Blanche shoots up]

Blanche:
WHERE ARE MY SHOES?

Rose:
[smelling Sophia's spaghetti sauce] Sophia, that smells heavenly! Is it Chef Boyardee?

Sophia:
[holding up a kitchen knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose. It'll hurt less!

Sophia:
[tasting her sauce] Mmm. If this sauce was a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.

Sophia:
[to Dorothy] I can't believe you're denying your own mother.

Rose:
Denying her what?

Dorothy:
Springsteen tickets, Rose.

Rose:
The name Madonna doesn't really fit her.

Sophia:
"Slut" would be better!

Rose:
Sophia!

Dorothy:
Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!

Sophia:
[after Rose fires her gun and shatters Blanche's vase] I managed to live 80, 81 years. I survived pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I'll belch and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!

Dorothy:
[on getting robbed] It has nothing to do with energy, it has nothing to do with being single. It has to do with a lousy lock on a sliding door and massive unemployment. Now, I'm going into my room. Call me when the cops come.

Rose:
We're all employed, Dorothy, except your mother. I wouldn't call that massive.

Dorothy:
Good night Rose. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.

Rose:
[The robbers] were probably looking for drugs.

Dorothy:
We have Maalox and estrogen. And how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Blanche:
Well, this is not the end, I can promise you that. Justice will be done here! I hate criminals. I just hate 'em! Someone's gonna pay for this heinous crime! We're gonna have a good, old-fashioned hangin'! That's right, a hangin'! Only first we'll have a whippin', and then we'll have a hangin'! Nobody takes my mama's jewels without swingin' for it! Nighty-night.

[after the robbery]

Blanche:
Oh, I'm gonna check the kitchen.

Rose:
Well, wait! Don't leave me! What will I do if they come back?

Dorothy:
Show them your slides of Hawaii.

Blanche:
Sophia, where are you going?

Sophia:
To my room.

Rose:
But you can't! It could be dangerous!

Sophia:
Please! I'm 80! Bathtubs are dangerous!

[Blanche enters in from the kitchen with flour on her face and blouse]

Blanche:
[stunned] They got my jewels.

Dorothy:
But I see they didn't get your cocaine.

Rose:
[shocked] Oh my God! Blanche has cocaine?!

Security System Salesman:
So those are the facts, ladies. It's not a pretty picture. One out of every three people will be the victim of a violent crime.

Rose:
That's awful!

Salesman:
And since there are four of you, that means at least one of you will be a victim... [pauses for emphasis] ...of a violent crime. One of you right here, gcchk! [makes slicing motion across his throat with his finger]

Rose:
And I read that one out of every three people will get cancer! Well, that means one of us will get cancer, so that takes care of two of us!

Dorothy:
Okay, okay, we're getting the basic system.

Salesman:
Whatever...

Dorothy:
But not from you, from your competitor.

Salesman:
What?

Dorothy:
Because what you were trying to do was terrify us into spending more money than we have! Now get out of here before the victim of violent crime in this house is YOU! [shoos the salesman out the door and slams it]

[Blanche is exercising in a crouched position as Dorothy watches]

Dorothy:
The only time I get in that position is when I give birth.

Blanche:
[about Dirk] This is strictly off the record, but Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.

Dorothy:
In what, Blanche? Dog years?

Blanche:
He was looking for a mother, not a lover. It was humiliating.

Rose:
I think it's sweet.

Blanche:
You would, Betty Crocker.

Alma:
I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear.

Sophia:
Nah. It rides up on me.

Dorothy:
You know, Ma, you don't look good.

Sophia:
I'm short and I'm old. What are you expecting - Princess Di?

Sophia:
Ohhhh!

Dorothy:
What, ma? What?!

Sophia:
Pain.

Dorothy:
What kind of pain?

Sophia:
The kind that hurts!

Rose:
Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?

Sophia:
I'm not in England, I'm having a heart attack!

Sophia:
Didn't Aunt Teressa have a heart attack?

Dorothy:
No, Aunt Teressa didn't have a heart.

Sophia:
Uncle Nunzio?

Dorothy:
Uncle Nunzio died to get away from Aunt Teressa.

Sophia:
AAAAAAAAAAH!!

Dorothy:
What, ma? What?!

Sophia:
"What???" You're sitting on top of me! I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon!

Dorothy:
Please, please Stan. No hugging, no kissing. Let's just do it and get it over with.

Stan:
Sounds like the last few years of our marriage.

Dorothy:
I wish it was that good.

[after Stan leaves]

Dorothy:
Why did I ever marry that man?

Sophia:
Because he knocked you up!

Dorothy:
Why did I let that happen?

Sophia:
Because he got you drunk!

Dorothy Why am I even discussing this with you?

Sophia:
Beats the hell out of me!

Stan:
[sobbing] Chrissy left me for a younger man!

Dorothy:
Younger than Chrissy? Where did she meet him, Camp Snoopy?

[about Sophia moving out]

Rose:
Who's going to keep after us? Make us linguine and tell us stories about Sicily?

Dorothy:
I don't know, Rose. Maybe Mary Poppins has an Italian cousin.

Sophia:
Oh, Dorothy. Can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?

Dorothy:
Sure. What is it?

Sophia:
Don't expect a miracle.

Blanche:
I mean, I did have parties and I had presents, but I never had a clown. Not until I was . . .

Dorothy and Blanche:
. . . much older.

Blanche:
Yeah! But that's another story.

Dorothy:
[in Rose's dream, about the wedding] You can't disappoint your guests.

Rose:
The guests? But I have to think about what's best for me!

Dorothy:
That's only in real life, Rose. In a dream, you do what's best for the guests.

Sophia:
My son married a welder. Too bad she didn't weld his zipper shut. They got ten kids they can't afford.

Blanche:
He analyzed my dream.

Dorothy:
What dream?

Blanche:
Oh, that recurring dream I have where I'm running naked through a train that keeps going through tunnel after tunnel while a sweaty bodybuilder chases me. He said he thinks it's sexual.

Dorothy:
He thinks? For God's sake, Blanche, you smoke a cigarette after that dream.

Blanche:
Not all my dreams are sexual! I also dream about food. Of course, I'm usually naked while I'm eating the food. I guess all my dreams are sexual. Lucky me!

Blanche:
[just as Sophia is entering the room] So, Rose. You're seeing a psychiatrist.

Sophia:
It's about time! The woman gives names to her gingerbread men!

Dorothy:
Ma, have a wonderful trip and call me the minute you get there. And please, Ma, try not to argue with Phil's wife.

Sophia:
We get along okay. Phil's wife has her good points. She's sweet, she's reliable, and when her father gets out of prison, she'll be a wealthy woman!

Blanche:
Dorothy, get the door. [walks towards Rose and Dr. Newman] Shrimp? [runs towards the kitchen]

Dr. Newman:
She's a little uptight. I'm gonna have fun with her tonight.

Dorothy:
Why don't we start dinner.

Dr. Newman:
Good, what are we having.

Dorothy:
[freezes for a couple of seconds] Short ribs.

[Sophia comes home early, and sees Dr. Newman, a little person. She just stares for a moment.]

Dorothy:
[Nervously] Uh, Ma, this is Dr. Johnathan Newman.

Sophia:
Hello. I hope that this doesn't sound rude... [Blanche and Dorothy are holding each other, looking like they are waiting for a disaster.] ...but I just came from a long trip, and I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me.

Dr. Newman:
Of course. Lovely to have met you.

Sophia:
Likewise. Begins to walk away] Dorothy, can I see you for a minute? [Dorothy walks over. Sophia speaks in a hushed voice.] That man over there, is he a midget?

Dorothy:
Yes.

Sophia:
Thank God! I thought I was having another stroke!

[Rose and Sophia are playing Trivial Pursuit]

Rose:
Who was known as the world's fastest human being?

Sophia:
Dominic Tanzi.

Rose:
It says Jesse Owens here.

Sophia:
Trust me, it was Dominic Tanzi. He got four women pregnant in one night. Two in New York, two in New Jersey.

Dorothy:
I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.

Blanche:
Oh, who is he, Dorothy?

Dorothy:
Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.

Rose:
Where did you meet him?

Sophia:
His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.

Dorothy:
Hi, Ma.

Sophia:
So you've started up with your married man again.

Dorothy:
How did you know?

Sophia:
I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.

Dorothy:
Oh, Ma.

Sophia:
Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....

Dorothy:
Ma!

Rose:
[talking to Dorothy after Dorothy returns from a date with Glenn] Oh, so you spent the evening at dinner!

Dorothy:
No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.

Rose:
A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!

Dorothy:
We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.

Blanche:
My great-granddaddy always said that there are two things you never sell to a friend - a car and a slave - because if either one of them quits working you'll never hear the end of it. Of course, they hanged my great-granddaddy. He said a lot of things he shouldn't have.

Blanche:
[on the car she was planning to sell Rose] It's the noisiest thing to come out of Detroit since Martha & The Vandellas.

Sophia:
[to Rose] There's a man in your bed.

Rose:
Sophia, there's not!

Blanche:
[to Rose] Why, you devil, you!

Dorothy:
So that was what we heard! Rose!

Blanche:
Rose got lucky!

Sophia:
Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.

Blanche:
Who is he?

Rose:
His name is Al.

Blanche:
No. I mean what does he do?

Rose:
He imports diamonds.

Blanche:
Oh, damn. I hope he's not dead!

Sophia:
Fine. Let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.

Dorothy:
Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.

Rose:
Come on Dorothy. He's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.

Sophia:
You could light firecrackers in his nostrils. You won't wake him.

Rose:
I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.

Sophia:
Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.

Rose:
That's not bad...

Dorothy:
Oh, Rose.

Rose:
Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.

Blanche:
Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.

Dorothy:
You didn't!

Blanche:
Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.

Rose:
Oh! I thought you were the one-

Blanche:
Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!

Dorothy:
You caught me one night sneaking out of the kitchen naked with an oreo in my mouth. We have no secrets.

Blanche:
My whole life is an open book.

Sophia:
Your whole life is an open blouse!

Rose:
My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut.

Charley:
Not really, grandma. I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.

Blanche:
Me too!

Sophia:
[interrupting Rose's conversation with Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti is getting cold!

Rose:
We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.

Sophia:
I hope the kid can help ya. You wear more rouge than Miss Piggy.

Blanche:
Let me get a look at you, girl! Terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin! Just like looking in the mirror.

Sophia:
Get some Windex!

Ed:
Rose, you're just incredible on Miami Vice trivia! I've never met anyone so smart!

Dorothy:
Ed, for a policeman, you've led a very sheltered life.

Blanche:
Wow--practically accepted to college, now she's flying off to the Bahamas with a doctor!

Dorothy:
Blanche, this trip to the Bahamas--it is not with the doctor.

Blanche:
What do you mean?

Sophia:
Girl's a slut.

Lucy:
I hope I wasn't too much trouble.

Rose:
Don't be silly.

Dorothy:
We enjoyed having you.

Sophia:
So did half of Miami.

Rose:
It wasn't a rat! It was a cute little mouse.

Dorothy:
Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!

Dorothy:
Good night Ed. We are going to go home now and I want you to know that we'll all sleep a lot better knowing you're off duty tonight.

Rose:
Sophia, do you think it's wrong for a girl to sleep with a man she's only known a few hours?

Sophia:
It's a sin.

Rose:
See? Sophia agrees with me.

Sophia:
All I said was it's a sin. Personally, I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.

[Dorothy has snuck home from the hospital because she is afraid to have surgery on her foot]

Rose:
Blanche, call the police! I just saw a big, ugly man with a limp walk past my bedroom window. He was wearing Dorothy's coat! [she sees Dorothy sitting on the bed] But then again it was dark and I tend to overdramatize.

Dorothy:
(watching her roommate stretch) Why are you doing those exercises?

Bonnie:
No reason. I just like to stay healthy.

Dorothy:
I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital. The exercises aren't working.

Dorothy:
Ma, what are you doing here?

Sophia:
You were operated on. You're my daughter! Where else would I be?

Rose:
Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now we can move this toilet.

Dorothy:
Fine. Get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.

[Rose woke Dorothy with her banging in the bathroom.]

Dorothy:
Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on?

Rose:
A lateral fusion pipe.

Dorothy:
And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?

Rose:
No...

Dorothy:
MY HEAD!!!

Rose:
I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the future of plumbing as we know it!

Dorothy:
Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol Man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.

Sophia:
Was that a plumber?

Dorothy:
No, Ma. It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

Blanche:
But how can I say no to the man I love? I can't even say no the men I like.

[Blanche is talking about Richard's son Little Richard]

Rose:
Little Richard was in Bermuda?!

Dorothy:
Yes, Rose. He was burying Fats Domino in the sand.

Blanche:
Oh girls, I am devastated, just devastated.

Dorothy:
What happened?

Blanche:
I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to. He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

Rose:
No!

Blanche:
Oh yes. I just don't know what to do!

Sophia:
Get it in writing!

Rose:
[quizzing Blanche] Whose theory states a young man becomes intimate with his mother to get revenge on his father?

Blanche:
Well, I don't know who said it, but my second cousin Arlen did it.

Dorothy:
I am exhausted. I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.

Rose:
Oh, you can't buy from a scalper! That's a crime!

Dorothy:
So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.

Rose:
I have to test them!

Dorothy:
Rose, one is testing. Fourteen is brunch.

Rose:
My God! I'm a criminal!

Rose:
I'm a very patient person. I once waited two whole weeks for a sty to go away. Every night I'd close my eyes and I'd picture it getting smaller and smaller, and one morning I woke up and it was gone!

[Sophia leans back against the refrigerator with her eyes closed]

Dorothy:
Ma, you okay?

Sophia:
I'm fine. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

Blanche:
All right. I want an answer and I want it NOW! Which one of you has been dipping into my Vicks Vapo-Rub?

Rose:
I took it, and my chest was already completely coated. I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cap off my Ny-Quil!

Dorothy:
Rose, I took your stupid cup and you know why? Because I feel lousy and being mean to you makes me feel better!

Rose:
Dorothy Zbornak, you can go straight to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!

Dorothy:
"Double Hockey Sticks"?

Blanche:
Dorothy, where's my heating pad?

Dorothy:
How should I know?

[Blanche lifts a cord running under Dorothy's blanket]

Blanche:
Well, if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

Blanche:
You really think selling candy is going to qualify you for that prestigious award?

Dorothy:
Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize that slipping my tongue to half the firemen in the county was the more lofty social achievement!

Blanche:
[to Dorothy] You are undoubtedly the meanest, sickest person I've ever met! Not to mention the most unattractive.

Blanche:
Oh, you don't have to worry about me, honey. I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.

Sophia:
Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Blanche:
[on why she isn't wearing the same green silk dress she wore to last year's banquet] I decided too many people would recognize it. It is such a stunnin' shade of green.

Sophia:
The only thing they're going to remember is the way you fall out of it!

Blanche:
Sophia!

Sophia:
If you asked people the color, half of them would say "flesh tones"!

[Dorothy blowing her nose]

Blanche:
Must you do that?!

Rose:
She can't help it Blanche, she has to blow her nose. Or is that a banana?

Dorothy:
[to Rose] Sure you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. [Blanche gives Dorothy a dirty look] Alright, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. [Blanche gives a dirtier look] Alright, you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche. [Blanche now looks mortified]

Rose:
And nobody wants me around.

Blanche:
Oh, honey, we want you around. We just can't afford to pay you!

Blanche:
[after being awakened by the ringing phone] I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

Dorothy:
Boy, that's pretty jumpy.

Dorothy:
Barry Glick was the man that I wanted to be the first.

Rose:
First where?

Dorothy:
On Mars, Rose! My first lover!

Blanche:
Well, so what happened?

Dorothy:
Stanley, that's what happened. Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof.

Rose:
(superior) I waited until my wedding night.

[Dorothy puts her nose in the air and mocks Rose's superior attitude.]

Sophia:
We're out of pepperoni.

Dorothy:
[fake gasps] Did you call Dan Rather?

Blanche:
You've probably haven't noticed it, but I've put on three pounds.

Sophia:
On each side.

Dorothy:
If I don't get at least six hours sleep, I look like Buddy Ebsen!

Blanche:
Now that you mention it-

Dorothy:
Shut up, Blanche.

Blanche:
Well, I certainly didn't wait for my wedding night, honey. I couldn't - I had these urges. You know, in the South, we mature faster. I think it's the heat.

Dorothy:
I think it's the gin.

Rose:
[while reading her phone messages] Why, oh why can't grief take a holiday?

Dorothy:
Oh, it does Rose, it does. Eventually, it comes to Miami like everyone else.

Rose:
It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.

Dorothy:
Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?

Sophia:
What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: 'Thank God, the water's here'? Call me when dinner is ready.

Dorothy:
Listen, Mom. We cannot afford a new TV. We're using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.

Sophia:
Great. And what I am supposed to do while every other old lady on the block is watching Cosby?

Dorothy:
Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.

Blanche:
You still watch television?

Lily:
Well, I don't exactly watch it. I just pretend it's radio.

Sophia:
We don't exactly watch it either, with our crummy TV. We get two channels at once. For a while there I thought Benson was having an affair with Miss Ellie.

Dorothy:
[sorting through items for their garage sale] Will you look at this? I got this doll on my tenth birthday. Oh, I can't believe I kept her after all these years. Her hair's falling out, her clothes are all worn. [sniffing as Sophia enters the room] And she smells of mothballs.

Sophia:
Hey, I may not be Ann-Margret, but I'm still your mother!

Sophia:
[seeing Blanche in her old retro-like outfit] Who invited Gidget to the garage sale?

Lily:
Girls, I'm feeling a little chilly. I think I'll go and get my sweater.

Rose:
Oh, no, I'll get that, I'll get that for you.

Lily:
Oh, Rose, for heaven sakes, I can find my own way. [the girls frantically move all the boxes from her path] I know you're trying to help, but if I could pilot my own plane cross-country during a storm, I can certainly find my way across the room! [reaches the hallway, turns to face the girls] There. Now, do you see that I don't need anybody's help?

Cowboy #2:
Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...

Dorothy:
Give us a break, would you mac!

Rose:
Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...

Sophia:
Excuse me Rose, have I given any indication at all that I care?

Dorothy:
At that moment, I was convinced I'd blown it. I was sure I'd made a bad first impression. But then I met Rose and I realized I could've shown up naked and playing a ukelele and still gotten the room.

Rose:
Don't worry, Dorothy, I'll make it up to you. If there's ever a night when you can't sleep, I'll come into your room and sing "Kumbaya".

Dorothy:
Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes, I do. Don't ever do that.

Madame Zelda:
Was a young woman in a nurse's uniform murdered in this house with a handsaw?

Blanche:
Heavens, no!

Madame Zelda:
Are you sure? I'm getting a strong vibration. I see a woman in a white uniform, writhing and screaming. And there's a man kneeling over her.

Blanche:
Well, if it was last Wednesday, that was me and the gentleman I'm currently dating. But that was a French maid's uniform.

Blanche:
It was at that moment I realized that my bosoms had the power to make music!

Dorothy:
Didn't Bette Midler win a special Grammy for that?

Blanche:
Psycho is the reason I prefer not to shower alone.

Dorothy:
Sure, Blanche, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone.

Store Worker:
Those are very nice cantaloupes.

Blanche:
[thinking he meant her breasts] Why, thank you.

Blanche:
I also happen to have a room for rent, and the name is Blanche Devereaux.

Rose:
Why would you name a room Blanche Devereaux?

Madame Zelda:
Mrs. Devereaux, you must leave this house at once. It is possessed by an evil spirit.

Blanche:
Actually, it's possessed by Miami Federal. And at 7%, you couldn't blast me out of here.

Sophia:
The man is a scuzzball!

[First lines in the series]

Dorothy:
I taught a class today - the finest school in Dade County. 2 girls had shaved heads and 3 boys had green hair.

Coco:
They're expressing themselves.

Dorothy:
Well, I expressed myself. I told them they had to leave. They were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A father came in in a 3-piece suit and defended Tiffany, a bald girl with a nose ring. What's that?

Coco:
Enchiladas rancheros.

Dorothy:
Why don't you just shoot me?

Rose:
Hi.

Dorothy:
Oh, hi, Rose.

Rose:
What a day. One sad person after another.

Dorothy:
Rose, you work at a grief counseling center. What do you expect, comedians?

Rose:
It would've made a nice change.

Dorothy:
You walked out on me and you didn't even have the decency to tell me you were leaving. I heard it from some lawyer over the telephone. A stranger, Stanley, a total stranger told me that my marriage was over.

Stanley:
Dorothy, look, things happened...

Dorothy:
Things happened. You're damn right things happened. Thirty-eight years happened. Thirty-eight years of sharing and crying and dreaming and fighting, and loving and, and children and diapers and, and school plays and little league. And worrying if you'd get through your gallbladder surgery and wondering if I'd get through another Sunday dinner at your mother's house. And the lean years, when the business failed. And the good years and the happy Christmases. All those things happened, Stanley, and because they happened, I deserved better than a stinking phone call from my husband's legal representative. You had a choice, Stanley, and you took the easy way out and it was a rotten thing to do. But now you're here in front of me, and you can't run away. And I finally get to have what you tried to cheat me out of. I finally get to say goodbye, Stanley.

Stanley:
Look, Dorothy, we...

Dorothy:
I said goodbye, Stanley.

Blanche:
Well, who hasn't told a lie?

Sophia:
Me! I never lie.

Dorothy:
Ma, how much did you lose at the dog track last week?

Sophia:
None of your business and that's the truth!

Dorothy:
Oh girls, let's face facts. The three of us just can't agree on anything. I mean, it is obvious we were not meant to live together.

Blanche:
I hate to agree with you, but I think you're right.

Rose:
I think so too. In fact, I know so. This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.

Blanche:
The Great Herring War?

Rose:
Yes. Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.

Dorothy:
Oh, that Great Herring War.

Rose:
The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.

Dorothy:
Well, that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.

Rose:
Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.

Blanche:
Weren't they kind of hard to see, riding on the elephants?

Rose:
Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like SeaWorld, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.

Dorothy:
[struggling to control her laughter along with Blanche] Uh, tell me, Rose, did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?

Rose:
[after a long pause] Only once. [Blanche and Dorothy start laughing uncontrollably] But they shot him into a tree. After that, no other herring would do it.

Blanche:
You're making this up!

Rose:
I am not. My grandfather told me that story. Of course, he also used to call me by my sister's name. And sometimes, he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. I guess he wasn't a very reliable source.