ER, Season 3

Carter:
Somebody call a doctor!

Carol:
You are the doctor.

Dr. Melvoin (to the interns):
You are wedges. The wedge is the most primative tool known to man. That is you. You think you know what you're doing? Believe me, you don't. Breakfast with your senior surgical resident, Dr. Benton, begins in 15 minutes. Dr. Benton is an intern's worst nightmare. He's smarter than you, he never eats, never sleeps, and he reads every medical journal no matter how obscure. He is the Antichrist, Beelzebub, Lucifer, a devourer of wedges. You'll go to sleep at night wishing plague and pestilence on his unborn children, and you will wake up every morning praying for his approval. You won't get it. Welcome to hell, ladies and gentlemen.

Dr. Benton (to Haleh):
Where's Carter?

Haleh:
Do I look like his mother?

Susan (to Carol):
Do you even know how to drive a motorcycle?

Carol:
It's just like a big moped, right?

Susan:
I guess...

Dr. Benton (to Gant):
What makes you think you can attend a surgery behind my back?

Gant:
Simon needed an intern.

Dr. Benton:
I'm your resident. You don't blink without asking me.

Jeanie (to Dr. Benton):
I need to know if you're planning to tell anyone that I'm positive.

Dr. Benton:
No, I'm not. Jeanie, look, I don't agree with what you're doing, but how you handle your patients, that's your responsibility.

Jeanie:
Thank you.

Dr. Benton:
But I want you to stay away from my patients and I don't want to be in a trauma room with you.

Gant (to Carter):
So, do you always vomit when you screw up?

Carter:
Only when I get written up by the Chief of Staff.

Gant:
Benton's no Mr. Rogers.

Dr. Benton:
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood boys and girls.

Mark:
I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided to be spontaneous.

Carol:
Mark, Doug lives his own life.

Mark:
That's kind of the problem.

Carol:
I'm just saying we can't live it for him.

Jeanie:
(to Al) A man came in today. He sat there and watched his wife die, and he helped her to die, because she was in so much pain, and he loved her. (gets angry) But we didn't have that kind of marriage, did we, Al. We didn't love, we didn't cherish, we didn't respect and now you've killed me!

Doug (to Carol):
You know what? I'm not going to say anything about that physics book.

Carol:
Oh, God, it was probably a stupid idea anyway.

Doug:
Hey, if that's what you want to do... If I can make it, anyone can.

Carol:
Thanks.

Gant (to Carter):
Benton hates my guts.

Carter:
No, I think he likes you. He just has difficulty showing it.

Gant (to Dr. Benton):
We're all human. We all make mistakes.

Dr. Benton:
Any other words of wisdom, Gant?

Gant:
You're a real prick, you know that?

Mark (to Susan):
What are you doing?

Susan:
Hyperventilating. Leave me alone!

Carol (to Mark about him & Susan):
I wish you guys would just get married.

Mark:
What?

Carol:
You're perfect for each other. You almost went on a vacation together.

Mark:
You knew about that?

Carol:
Mark, everybody knew about that.

Dr. Keaton (to Carter after he fought with Dale):
Medicine is supposed to be a noble profession, not a motorcycle club. Why were you fighting?

[Susan is moving to Arizona, and Mark is seeing her off]

Susan:
[As her train begins to pull away] I do love you!

Mark:
What?

Susan:
I love you... bye!

Carol:
Have you seen Mark? Is he okay?

Doug:
Put it this way, he called a staff meeting.

Carol:
Mark Greene?

Doug:
Yep.

Carol:
Glasses? Receding hair line? Broken heart?

Doug:
That's the one.

Carol:
(to Jeanie) I swallowed a bunch of pills a few years ago. When I got back to work, people either smothered me with kindness or treated me like I was invisible. If we aren't friends, maybe we should be.

Kerry:
We're talking policy here, people. "Employee X" could be any one of us.

Jeanie:
Excuse me. Just would everyone stop calling me "Employee X"? I am HIV-positive.

Maggie Doyle:
(to Jeanie after she puts a star on top of the ER's Christmas tree): It looks good. Where'd you get it?

Jeanie:
My ex-husband brought it by. It came off our first Christmas tree.

Maggie Doyle:
That's an heirloom. You should put it on your family tree.

Jeanie:
(with a smile) I just did.

Carter (to Gant):
Benton was out of line.

Gant:
Was he?

Carter:
Way out of line.

Gant:
I felt like punching out the bastard.

Carter:
That would have been unwise.

Dr. Benton (to Dr. Keaton):
I came by to see if you'd reconsider writing me a recommendation. I mean, you've always complimented my surgical skills and with a recommendation, I could get another Pediatric rotation.

Dr. Keaton:
And if I don't?

Dr. Benton:
What do you mean if you don't?

Dr. Keaton:
Will you report my relationship with Dr. Carter?

Dr. Benton:
You think I'm threatening you?

Dr. Keaton:
Are you?

Dr. Benton:
Dr. Keaton, if your recommendation isn't based on my abilities as a doctor, I don't want it.

(When the doctors are saving a man who was hit by the El train and his beeper goes off)

Malik:
Whose beeper is that?

Dr. Benton:
It's coming from the patient.

Malik:
(looking at the beeper) Lydia, what number did you page Gant to?

Lydia:
This room, 3376.

Malik:
That's the number on this pager.

Maggie Doyle:
Oh, my God.

Carter:
What?

Maggie Doyle:
The patient! It's Gant!

Carter:
Oh, sweet Jesus.

Dr. Doug Ross:
How's your head? Any confusion?

Charlie Chiemingo:
Yeah. What year is it? December '95, according to this hot magazine you gave me. Did you know that Michael and Lisa Marie are splitting up?

Carter:
(to Benton) All he [Gant] ever got from you was harping and criticism. Now he's dead and you're going to have to face it.

Mark:
So, should I be looking over my shoulder for your father with a shotgun?

Chuny:
No, my brother Julio. He packs a .45.

Carol:
I killed a man and no one around here seems to give a damn.

Kerry (to the interns):
Most interns send their samples to the lab without knowing what happens once they're there. Let's pretend that we're a urine sample and find out.

Carter (after seeing that Dr. Benton needs an appendectomy):
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, ho... There is a God!

Doug (to Mark):
How did you end up going out with two women on the same night?

Mark:
Scheduling mix-up. Any suggestions?

Doug:
Dinner with one, drinks with the other.

Mark:
Yeah... I think they're both expecting the works.

Doug:
Who do you like more?

Mark:
Well, Heather's a lot of fun.

Doug:
Fun's good.

'Mark:
Polly, she's... she's very spiritual.

Doug:
Spiritual like what? Like, like crystals or something?

Mark:
Heather's got Bulls tickets.

Doug:
Bulls! Say no more.

Mark:
Yeah, you're right. I'll call Polly. I'll make up an excuse and go out with her tomorrow night.

Doug:
You're playing with fire here.

Mark:
I can juggle.

Doug:
You're gonna get burnt. Women can smell deceit.

Mark:
You ought to know.

Doug:
Those days are long gone, my friend.

Mark:
So, what do you do now?

Doug:
Give advice.

Chuny (to Mark):
I thought you had a date.

Mark:
Canceled.

Chuny:
They busted you?

Mark:
They busted me.

Chuny:
Men are so stupid. How many women were you dating when you were with me?

Mark:
Just you.

Chuny:
Really?

Mark:
Yeah, you know, except for that night when my neighbor, the ballerina, broke up with her boyfriend. You know, I had to comfort her.

Chuny:
Yeah, so that was like a public service.

Mark:
Yeah. Other than that, I was totally faithful.

Chuny:
Oh, I feel blessed.

Robert (as he runs by):
Morning, Leon! Morning, Miss Hathaway!

Leon:
Slow down there, Robert!

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
I hate that he calls me "Miss Hathaway."

Leon:
Yeah, it's a real crime when kids show that kind of respect.

Kerry (to Carol):
We've missed you around here.

Carol:
I've missed it, too. I love my job, Kerry.

Kerry:
I know.

Carol:
Doug, I know everyone is worried about me, but I'm fine. I was scared in that store, but I'm okay now.

Doug:
So why did you go ahead and take it?

Carol:
The MCATs? For me. I just wanted to see if I was good enough.

Doug:
You are.

Dr. Benton:
(to Dr. Hicks) Six months ago I thought I was invincible, but now... I don't even know.

Mark (to Haleh):
When Kenny Law came in, do you think I made racist assumptions?

Haleh:
Black folk see the world one way, white folk see it another.

Mark:
All white people?

Haleh:
When something happens, you say it's got nothing to do with race, but for us, it's always got to do with race.

Mark:
Malik, can you join me?

Malik:
What for?

Mark:
Kenny Law died. I have to tell his family.

Malik:
If you're scared, you should call Security. I'm a nurse.

Doug (to Carol):
You can get through my door.

Carol:
Anybody with a bra can get through your door.

Kerry:
(to Jerry) Your IQ's not 150. Mine's only 145.

Jerry:
What am I supposed to do? Apologize because I'm smarter than you?

Doug (to Carol):
You do things for people that doctors don't even think about doing.

Maggie Doyle:
Carol? This guy in the hall needs a clean-up. He just did a major Code Brown.

Carol:
You're right. I wipe butts.

Kerry:
Carol, if you're going to be a med student, you've got to stop thinking like a nurse.

Carol:
Well, I'm not a med student yet.

Carter (to Maggie):
Surgeons don't rat on each other. It's like the Marines, "all for one, and one for all."

Maggie Doyle:
That's the three musketeers.

Chuny (to Carol):
I thought Weaver was already fitting you for a lab coat.

Carol:
Yeah, well, white adds ten pounds. I think I'll stick to pink.

Chris Law (to Mark):
If my mother gets another bill from this hospital, maybe I'm gonna kick some ass. Maybe I'll start with yours.

Carol (while reading a story that was found under the desk):
"Witchcraft attracted her as a child when Zulu tribesmen on her father's game preserve tried sorcery to heal her shriveled leg."

Jerry:
Oh, Weaver's in it?

Carol:
Doug, you promised me you wouldn't tell anybody about my birthday.

Doug:
Aah, that was last year.

Carol:
Yeah and you told everyone then, too.

Doug:
At least I'm consistent.

Kerry (to Mark) We know that everyday some child won't make it home from school, some father won't make it home from work, but if we allowed ourselves to think that could be us, we couldn't walk out our front door.

Carol (to Doug about E. Ray):
He is so strange. Where did we find him?

Carter (to Dr. Anspaugh):
I've been contemplating leaving the surgical program. I've been considering it for quite some time, and I feel that I've made an error in selecting surgery as my specialty. For the most part, the training has been excellent, but I just feel that ultimately I don't belong in surgery and I would suspect that you would agree with me.

Dr. Anspaugh:
I certainly do not!

Carter:
You don't?

Dr. Anspaugh:
You entered into a contract, doctor. A contract with this institution. We agreed to give you the finest surgical training in exchange for 6 years of your best effort.

Carter:
I understand, but I think....

Dr. Anspaugh:
I do not give a damn what you think! This is not summer camp. You can't just run home to mommy. You're going to suck it up and stick to it! That's what men do. Are we communicating here?

Carter:
Yeah.

Dr. Anspaugh:
Good! And if I ever hear this crap coming out of your mouth again, the only medicine you'll be practicing is picking out a cough suppressant for yourself down at the Jewel.

Dr. Anspaugh:
Dr. Carter...

Carter:
Uh... I'm not coming.

Dr. Anspaugh:
You're what?

Carter:
I have a patient who needs my attention.

Dr. Anspaugh:
Rounds are a pre-requisite for this program, Doctor.

Carter:
So is patient care.

Dr. Anspaugh:
You come to rounds today or don't ever come to rounds again.

Carter:
I'll be there if and when I can!

Carter:
(to Dr. Anspaugh) I can be a competent surgeon. I can learn the techniques, the mechanics, but I'll never be a great surgeon. Dr. Anspaugh, I can be a great doctor; a doctor who spends time with his patients, who's there for them. I'm good at it. Really good.