Abbott Elementary, Season 1

Janine:
That is incredible, Ms. Howard. I can't wait to get on that level. Where is your class, by the way?

Barbara:
Out in the hallway in a single file.

Janine:
Really?

Barbara:
Mm‐hmm.

Kindergartners:
Good morning, Ms. Teagues!

Tariq:
Mm‐hmm. Mm‐hmm.

Janine:
I left that, uh, bill‐organizer thing on the fridge.

Tariq:
Mm‐hmm. Yeah. I'll get to it.

Janine:
Okay. Yeah, but, no, I was just thinking, like, you'd get to it kind of soon because my name's on the lease and we were already late on rent once.

Janine:
Huh. What thing?

Jacob:
You know, that thing, where you look at something and you're like, "That's good."

Janine:
Well, I'm adding a filter that's gonna rain glitter, so...

Jacob:
That's not gonna compete with singing parrots. It just needs a little showmanship.

Janine:
Well, I'm not a showman.

Will:
"Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result."

Ava:
Mm. I know that's right.

Will:
Can I have a break?

Ava:
No, keep reading. It's just getting good.

Barbara:
Mnh-mnh-mnh. Absolutely not. Let's go.

Ava:
Come on, Barbara. You owe me an Audible membership.

[final lines]

Ava:
Hey, girl.

Janine:
Hey, Ava. You know I can't just leave my classroom unattended like this, right?

Ava:
It's five minutes. It's not like something could go wrong in five minutes.

Janine:
A lot can go wrong, actually.

Ava:
If you say so. Anyway, one of Melissa's students will be transferring into your class.

Janine:
Really? Why?

Ava:
Girl, I don't know. Things happen all day. Maybe she wants to be closer to the bathroom. Maybe she like you more. Maybe she got some kind of Meek Mill-Drake feud going on with one of her classmates. I don't know.

Janine:
Maybe she likes me better.

Barbara:
My youngest, Gina... She participated in a young-engineers program. It did wonders for her.

Janine:
Mm.

Barbara:
Looks good on a college application, too.

Janine:
Mm-hmm. Hey, Gregory, what do you think?

Gregory:
Oh, I think I've been here for like five minutes, so I don't really have a say.

Janine:
That is Ava. She's funny.

Sahar:
Well, I'm so excited to be here. I cannot wait to collaborate.

Janine:
Okay, let me go show you around. Come on.

Ava:
Pulling off overalls? That's not easy.

Janine:
You know, a lot of people are slow to warm to Tariq, but you guys get along so well. Maybe you should come out and get pizza with us this weekend.

Jacob:
Oh, I can't. I'm busy on Saturday.

Janine:
I didn't even say a date yet. W... Oh, I see what's happening. You don't want to be the third wheel.

Jacob:
No.

Janine:
No, don't worry. I actually know a great guy I want to set you up with.

Jacob:
Uh, thanks, but I don't know how my boyfriend would feel about that.

Janine:
Your what?

Jacob:
My boyfriend.

Janine:
You have a boyfriend? What's his name?

Jacob:
Uh, Zach.

Janine:
Zach? And how long have you two been dating?

Jacob:
Like a year, plus another year.

Janine:
Jacob, how did I not know any of this? You've never mentioned him. Well, actually, I guess I just answered my own question.

Jacob:
I thought you knew. I mean, I could've swore I told you. My friends say I won't shut up about him.

Janine:
Your friends? I thought we were friends.

Jacob:
We are. Yeah, we're friends. We're just, you know...

Janine:
"You know" what?

Jacob:
W-Work friends. We don't talk about real deep stuff.

Janine:
You told me when you got a tapeworm in Zimbabwe.

Jacob:
Um, um, yeah, I was... I was trying to be helpful, in case you ever go to Africa. Look, work friends are still friends. They're just, like, friends in one place.

Janine:
Well, I thought we were friends in all places.

Janine:
Hey!

Melissa:
Oh. I-I got... I got a conflict.

Janine:
You don't know what it is yet. My class is putting on a step show next Friday. We made so much progress.

Barbara:
Oh, we hear you in there, stomping the yard.

Melissa:
Yeah, you sound like a regular Major Payne.

Janine:
Yes, well, we are building something.

Barbara:
I love a good step show. It's so good for the kids.

Janine:
Right?

Ava:
Who gave you permission to put this on my wall? Is this Comic Sans?

Janine:
Oh! Dig on me.

Taylor:
Yes. Because, ultimately, she just wants me to be someone like you.

Janine:
So... now is probably not a good time to talk about the parent-teacher con...

Barbara:
No.

Janine:
Okay. Right.

Janine:
We're going about this all wrong. You know you don't build a dam in the middle of a river, you build it before the water comes.

Jacob:
That is so wise.

Ava:
[simultaneously] What the hell are you talking about?

Melissa:
So this Zack, he lives with you?

Jacob:
Yeah he just moved in last month.

Melissa:
And that's going...well?

Jacob:
Yep! He's so great!

Ava:
So he knew you and was like..."More?"

Jacob:
Mmm...

Zack:
[walking in and hugging Jacob] Hey there's my guy!

Ava:
BLACK!?

Zack:
It's actually pronounced "Zack." You must be Ava.

[Everyone gives Ava a look]

Ava:
You were all thinking it. I see you, don't look at me like that!

Barbara:
We always look at you like this.

Barbara:
SWEET BABY JESUS AND THE GROWN ONE TOO!!! MY DESKS HAVE BEEN DESKED!!!

Barbara:
Even in a world where Ava could put together a competent presentation...

Melissa:
Mm-hmm.

Barbara:
...it still does not change the fact that the Superintendent can't stand her and, by extension, us.

Melissa:
The nerve on that guy.

Barbara:
Yeah, well, maybe this will be the year where the school board finally awards me that Advancement Grant that I have been applying to for 10 years.

Melissa:
They will if we make them. Just like a little... gentle arm-twisting.

Barbara:
A little arm twist never hurt.

Children:
Just like that!

Tariq:
When I move, you move.

Children:
Just like that!

Tariq:
When I move, you move.

Children:
Just like that!