M*A*S*H, Season 11

Hawkeye:
I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.

Margaret:
Fine.

Hawkeye:
Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.

Margaret:
Uh-huh.

Hawkeye:
One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off).

Margaret:
Well I did everything I could and I'd do the same thing all over again. There is no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.

Margaret:
Maj. Winchester what is that?

Charles:
That is a floor which astonishingly enough I am sweeping.

Margaret:
Plaster will not be sweeped off the floor. It has to be scrapped off with a razor.

Charles:
Winchesters do not shave floors.

Margaret:
Do Winchesters heal quickly?

Klinger:
The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!

Hawkeye:
Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.

Klinger:
How about billiard balls?

BJ:
What?!

Klinger:
A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.

BJ:
Now, that must have been some shot.

Hawkeye:
Can he breathe?

Klinger:
Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.

BJ:
Well, he was half right.

Hawkeye:
The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.

Major Reddish:
It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.

Hawkeye:
Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.

Major Reddish:
Right.

Major Reddish:
I refuse to lie.

BJ:
And you call yourself a PR man.

Major Reddish:
I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.

Hawkeye:
Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?

Margaret:
He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.

Hawkeye:
See?

Charles:
Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.

BJ:
One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.

Mulcahy:
What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.

Hawkeye:
When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.

Charles:
Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.

Klinger:
OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)

Charles:
My word, you have invented the circle!

Klinger:
Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.

Charles:
Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

BJ:
We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.

(in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)

Margaret:
I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Charles:
Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?

BJ:
There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?

Klinger:
Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?

Charles:
Yes. Yes, they did. They fired the entire staff.

Hawkeye:
All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.

Potter:
Surprise me?

Hawkeye:
Yeah.

Potter:
It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.

BJ:
Relax, you're gonna love it.

Potter:
That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.

Charles (entering the Swamp):
Gentlemen.

BJ:
Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.

Hawkeye:
I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.

Charles:
Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.

BJ:
Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.

Hawkeye:
What?

BJ:
"The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature. "

Hawkeye:
Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.

Charles:
Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.

Klinger:
Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.

BJ:
Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.

(after Margaret bets another week's pay for herself, Hawkeye and BJ)

Hawkeye:
I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.

Margaret:
What's the matter?

Hawkeye:
What's the matter?!

BJ:
What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!

Hawkeye:
Each!

Margaret:
You men. You always worry about little things.

Charles To Captain Sweeney, CO of the stuttering Private Palmer:
"Captain Sweeney, if you say one more unkind word to Private Palmer, I will personally write a report detailing your inhumanity, and I will have it placed in your 201 file, where it will follow you for the rest of your career. (Brushes aside Sweeney's interjection) IS THAT CLEAR? (Sweeney answers "Yes, sir.")

Margaret:
Oh, Sweden! Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden. I hear the scenery is so... tall.

Hawkeye:
Why fight it? I might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous!

Charles:
I'm afraid there is the possibility-slim though it be-that I...snore.

Mulcahy:
Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.

Charles:
Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not be good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker? What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if-perish the thought-I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.

Mulcahy:
Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who likes roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better that me, then there's no point in living?

Charles:
Well, don't take it personally, Father.

Mulcahy:
Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?

Charles:
Uh...

Mulcahy:
The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.

Charles:
Shh!

Mulcahy:
And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.

Mulcahy:
Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.

Margaret (voice hoarse due to laryngitis):
Charles. (bangs table when he ignores her)

Charles:
Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?

Margaret:
(grunting and miming)

Charles:
It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.

Margaret:
(more grunting)

Mulcahy:
Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.

Margaret:
(more grunting and miming)

Charles:
May I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?

Margaret (hoarse):
Please send telegram. (writing on note pad)

Charles:
Well, why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.

Margaret:
Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days - I can't go.

Charles:
I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.

Margaret:
I got some 3-0 silk for you Dr. Winchester. I noticed you were running low.

Charles:
I shall always cherish this moment.

Margaret:
Well, Charles, what are friends for?

Charles:
Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist. Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?

Margaret:
Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.

Charles:
I do. And you still don't.

Charles:
If I don't find a way to hear some music soon, I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.

BJ:
Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?

Charles:
I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.

BJ:
Maybe you could go over to the O-Club and play 'em on the jukebox. Nobody there this early.

Charles:
That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.

Mulcahy:
I do believe people are essentially good, but sometimes you have to put them in a half-nelson to get them to cough up.

Soldier:
My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a guy like me, and I shot him and I killed him, for a pair of boots.

Potter:
You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close and get to know him before it's OK to shoot him.

Soldier:
How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy?

Winchester:
All I have to do is invert a helmet on the table with a sign saying "Charity. Please contribute."

Potter:
You would have about as much luck as putting a sign next to the oven saying "Hot stove. Please stand on it."

Hawkeye [about the Army Field Manual]:
How to Defend Freedom and Democracy Through Unquestioned Obedience.

BJ:
[talking about a fishing lure] I've fished with this a couple of times. Hawk told me it belonged to Colonel Blake. It's for all the men who never made it home.

Charles:
Just a minute! You handle our food and dig latrines?

Igor:
Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.

Hawkeye Pierce:
She...she killed it!

Sidney Freedman:
She killed the chicken?

Hawkeye Pierce:
Oh my God...OH MY GOD! I didn't mean for her to kill it! I just wanted it to be quiet! It was A BABY! She SMOTHERED HER OWN BABY!

Hawkeye Pierce:
You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?

Sidney Freedman:
You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.

PA System Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago, at 10:01 this morning, the truce was signed in Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at ten o'clock. THE WAR IS OVER!

Mulcahy:
(to Col. Potter) Well, look on the bright side. When we're told we must do our time in purgatory, we can all say "No thanks. I've done mine."

Sidney Freedman (His final exit line, repeating his advice from "O.R"):
You know I told you people something a long time ago, and it's just as pertinent today as it was then: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.

Col Potter:
Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order. Don't forget to have a happy life, too.

Col. Potter:
Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.

[Last scene of the series]

Hawkeye:
Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.

B. J.:
Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.

Hawkeye:
Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...

B. J.:
Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.

Hawkeye:
I'll miss you.

B. J.:
I'll miss you, a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here. [The two men hug, then Hawkeye boards the helicopter while B. J. mounts his motorcycle, where he shouts over the helicopter] I'll see you back in the States-I promise! But just in case, I left you a note!

Hawkeye:
What?!

[B. J. rides off. Hawkeye gives the pilot the thumbs-up to take off. As the helicopter ascends, Hawkeye looks down and smiles as he sees a message spelled in stones:
GOODBYE]