Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 4

[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]

Crow:
Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.

[The film's title appears on the screen]

Joel, Crow & Tom:
[singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]

Chase:
[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"

Joel:
I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.

Chase:
[singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"

Crow:
That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]

Joel [as Gila Monster]:
And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"

[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]

Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]:
The horror! The horror!

[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]

Crow:
Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!

[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]

Chase:
Two twenties!

Tom:
That makes thirty dollars!

TV's Frank:
It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.

[Frank turns to Morrissey]

TV's Frank:
So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?

Morrissey:
[turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?

TV's Frank:
Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.

Morrissey:
Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

Morrissey:
This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...

[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]

Woody:
I lost a tooth.

Servo [as Yogi]:
Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!

[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]

Crow [as Woody]:
Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.

Joel:
This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.

Servo:
He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]

Sammy:
It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!

Joel:
Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]

Servo:
No acting beyond this point. Not allowed.

Crow:
The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it.

[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]

Servo:
Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it does say that Boy George rides in flinging molotov cocktails.

[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]

Mick:
You're nothin'.

Joel [as Woody]:
Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.

Mick:
I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but-

Crow [as Woody]:
Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

Mick:
We ain't stupid.

Bolo:
Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.

Crow:
Not on screen anyway.

[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]

Crow:
Oh, Austin City Limits!

[Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]

Tom [as Albert]:
This is F.U.N.

[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]

Crow:
Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.

[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]

Spacecraft Captain:
When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!

Joel, Crow, Servo:
TORCHAA!!

Spacecraft Captain:
We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!

Servo [as Captain]:
We have the supreme pizzas!

[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]

Thor:
Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."

Crow T. Robot:
You mean a day?

[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]

Joel [as Derek/Freddy]:
[singing to "On the Street Where You Live"] I have often walked down the street before, But I've never done it packing heat before…

I have often walked down the street before,

But I've never done it packing heat before…

[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]

Spacecraft Captain:
We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!

Crow:
Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!

Betty:
Where are you from Derek?

Joel [as Derek]:
A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

[Watching the title credit]

Tom:
You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

[Establishing shot of hospital]

Servo:
...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!

Crow:
Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!

Servo:
Yeah!

[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]

Clown #1:
Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?

Servo:
Yes, about a kajillion times!

Clown #1:
Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?

[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]

Joel:
Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!

Clown #2:
[to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?

[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]

Clown #2:
[to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]

Doctor #1:
Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!

Crow [as Doctor #2]:
Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!

Doctor #2:
He'll make a fine Naval officer.

Servo:
He'll make several of them!

[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]

Servo:
Oh, Mommy!

Joel [as Announcer]:
Honey West!

Crow:
Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

Dr. Forrester:
Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick-and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]

Narrator:
Junior Rodeo Daredevils.

Joel [as Narrator]:
Smothered in gravy-Texas style!

Narrator:
Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.

Joel [as Narrator]:
All nine of 'em.

Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]:
And the crowd goes wild!

Crow, Servo:
[dully] Yay.

[After a succesful cattle roping]

Narrator:
Eight seconds.

Joel [as the boy]:
Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.

Narrator:
Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.

Joel:
It's sad, really.

Servo:
[singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

[The narrator describes the voracious shrew.]

Narrator:
He must eat his own body weight every few hours…

Servo [as Narrator]:
…plus a delicious shake.

[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]

Crow [as Announcer]:
Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]

Sherman:
Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!

Crow [as Sherman]:
These things make everything look bigger!

[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]

Joel [as Sherman]:
I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!

[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]

Crow, Servo:
[singing] Killer shrew! Killer shrew! Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! He comes out at night to give you a fright. Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

Killer shrew! Killer shrew!

Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!

He comes out at night to give you a fright.

Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!

Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh

Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!

He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.

He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]

Servo:
Puppies!

[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]

Joel [as Announcer]:
Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie.

[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]

Crow [as Ulysses]:
I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

Servo:
When Kennedys ruled Greece.

[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]

Joel:
Only millions of Christians.

[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]

Joel:
He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.

Crow [as Chaney]:
Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints...

[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]

Servo:
Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.

[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]

Servo:
Oh, please. He should quit his job. Strippers make way more money than cops!

[Repeated Lines]

Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank:
DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!!

[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]

Servo [as Hercules]:
Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long!

Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]:
Pizza, pizza.

Crow [as Princess]:
Herc, you gonna help us move?

Servo [as Hercules]:
Even if it costs me my life.

Hercules:
Now see them both safely back to the city.

Servo [as Hercules]:
Even if it costs you my life.

[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]

Joel:
It's the Monsters of Rock Tour!

[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]

Servo [as a rock monster]:
Don't let him get you over his head!

[Shot of barren moonscape]

Servo:
We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone.

Crow:
Rush Limbaugh?

Joel:
No, that would be more like Hell.

[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]

Servo [as a rock monster]:
Wanna get stoned? [pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]

Crow [as Bob Dylan]:
Everybody must get stoned!

Joel:
[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?

Crow:
[matter-of-factly] It's really not that good!

Joel:
Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]

Crow:
AAAAAAGH!

Dr. Forrester:
Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone.

[The knights face an ogre.]

Joel:
Teddy Ruxpin, no!

[George fights a two-headed dragon.]

Joel:
Lighten up, they're just puppets!

Crow:
Hey...

Joel:
Sorry.

[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]

Crow:
I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.

[Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]

Crow:
[singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!

Tom Servo:
EEAUGHHH!

Crow:
[continues singing, ignoring Tom] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

[Gypsy makes a rare theater apperance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]

Gypsy:
Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!

Joel:
[trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.

Gypsy:
[catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...

[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]

Gypsy:
Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!

Joel:
[impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!

[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]

Joel, Crow, Servo:
[singing] The Simpsons...

[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]

Crow:
Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu.

[ Dr. Steve Hardy appears on-screen.]

Crow:
Hey, he was old even then!

[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]

Servo:
Look! It's the MST3K logo!

Joel:
[aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...

Servo:
Oh, uh... [whistles innocently.]

[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]

Vi:
Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!

Crow:
Bingo!

. . .

[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]

Vi:
Help me! Please, Tom, help me!

Servo [as Tom Stewart]:
What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.

Vi:
Save me, Tom, please!

Joel:
Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]

Tom:
Meg's mad at me.

Sandy:
She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!

Tom:
O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.

Joel:
Put her down, Jerry Lee!

Ken:
Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.

Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]:
Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...

Eddie [singing]:
Anything...

Joel:
...Is better than this crap!

[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]

Crow:
Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.

Joel:
Oh… why?

Crow:
Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.

Servo:
What?!

. . .

Joel:
Hey! Tom, what the hell? You didn't tell me that Tommy was in here!

Crow:
Timmy!

Joel:
He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!

Crow:
Hey!

Joel:
All right, knock it off, there's no rough-housing in here!

Servo:
I'm choking! I'm choking! I'm choking! Choking! Ahhh! H-He-Help! HE-MMMMPH! {Servo's muffled sobs and cries of 'HMMMMMLPH!' are heard offscreen]

Crow:
Joel, he's trying to kill Tom Servo!

Joel:
You go out to the bridge, stay frosty! I've got a plan!

[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in an Alien-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]

Servo:
[moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil- [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?

Crow:
I'm a little busy now, Servo!

. . .

[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]

Servo:
Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!

Crow:
Oh, shut up!

Joel, Servo, Crow (as Atlantean girls):
We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder!

[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]

Phil:
And you choose to make a life with Ken?

Cynthia:
Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.

Joel [as Cynthia]:
Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]

Rocky:
[cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!

Servo [as Rocky]:
We are in a crappy film…

Joel, Crow [as Men]:
We are in a crappy film…

[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]

Rocky:
They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.

Cleolanta:
They will tell me where to take my people?!

Rocky:
No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.

Joel, Servo:
[singing] For yooooou!

[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]

Joel:
Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles?

[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]

Air Force Officer:
Now take off!

Joel:
...to the great White North!

Harold's Girlfriend:
Ooh, Harold!

Servo [as Harold]:
Ooh, Maude!

Susan:
What if we turned ourselves in to the police?

Servo [as Stan]:
Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!

[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]

Crow:
[singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally!

[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]

Joel:
Now why doesn't that work with relatives?

[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]

Crow:
The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.

. . .

Joel:
Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.

. . .

Crow:
If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

...

Dr. Forrester:
They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?

TV's Frank:
Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?

"Larry Buchanan":
(Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)

Narrator:
Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.

Servo [as Narrator]:
Johnny's car rolled and burned.

Narrator:
There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.

Joel:
Simulated culture like Disney World.

Narrator:
"No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."

Servo [as Mom]:
And you'll like it!

Crow [as Johnny]:
No! I don't wanna go!

Narrator:
..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.

Servo [as Narrator]:
Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?

Narrator:
Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.

Crow [as Narrator]:
Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.

Narrator:
Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".

Joel:
Oh, we've all been there.

[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]

Joel:
Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]

Narrator:
Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.

Crow [as Narrator]:
The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]

Narrator:
"Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"

Servo:
What?

Narrator:
"Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."

Servo [as Narrator]:
Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.

[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]

Crow [as Narrator]:
"Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."

Narrator:
Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.

Servo [as Narrator]:
Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.

[The title screen displays the title backwards...]

Crow:
Eht Numah Srotacilpud!

[...then "duplicates" it normally.]

Crow:
...Oh.

Gale:
So say something!

Crow [as Martin]:
"Something!"

Martin:
"Something."

Crow:
D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one.

[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]

Joel:
Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!

Servo:
Neat!

[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]

Crow [as Dr. Yung]:
[in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]

Servo:
Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.

[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]

Crow [as Dr. Yung]:
[in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?

Crow:
Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?

Joel:
I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.

[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]

Servo:
Uh… I think you need more toner!

[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]

Crow:
Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!

Joel:
Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?

Crow:
Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a-

Joel:
Oh, that's enough.

Crow:
Oh, don't hit me.

[Welles (played by Hugh Beaumont) answers his phone.]

Welles:
Welles here.

Crow [as Welles/Ward Cleaver]:
The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy?

[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]

Crow [as Welles]:
There's somethin' plastic about that guy...

[Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]

Servo [as Kolos]:
I'm huge.

[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]

Servo [as the Professor, quickly]:
Oh my God, you're huge.

[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]

Joel:
You got your circus on my ice!

Crow:
Hey, you got your ice on my circus!

Servo:
Two bad things that go worse together!

[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]

Servo:
[in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares...

[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]

Servo:
[singing] These two girls, they make quite a pair. They both come from your worst night-mare. They will haunt your soul forever, And now, When you see pink, You're gonna think, "We're doomed". They are agents of Satan...

These two girls, they make quite a pair.

They both come from your worst night-mare.

They will haunt your soul forever,

And now, When you see pink, You're gonna think,

When you see pink,

You're gonna think,

"We're doomed".

They are agents of Satan...

Joel:
[laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...

[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]

Servo:
We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.

Crow [as Narrator]:
Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!

. . .

Narrator:
And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!

Servo:
[nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...

. . .

Servo [as Narrator]:
Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!

[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]

Servo:
Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.

. . .

Crow [as Child]:
Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!

Servo [as Mother]:
Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!

. . .

Joel:
Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.

[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]

Narrator:
And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...

Crow [as Narrator]:
...and kills them.

[Over the film's title]

Servo:
Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!

. . .

Joel:
You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.

Crow:
Oh, it might not be too bad...

Servo:
No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.

Joel:
Yeah...

Crow:
[sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!

Joel:
No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.

Crow:
Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.

Servo:
It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.

Joel:
Yeah, we might as well face up to it...

Crow:
Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...

[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]

Joel:
[reading] The Other Th?

[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]

Crow:
[enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.

[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]

Servo:
Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.

[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]

Joel [as Dr. Logan]:
That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.

[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn't tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]

Dr. Brent:
Why didn't you tell us then?

Dr. Logan:
I don't know. I was trying to help.

Servo:
[whining] I was just trying to help.

Dr. Brent:
Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!

Dr. Logan:
What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!

Crow [as Dr. Logan]:
I'm only a scientist!

[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]

Joel:
[in disbelief] Unbelieveable...

[Tom bursts out into laughter]

Dr. Logan:
Hello? [A pause] Yes?

Crow [as Dr. Logan]:
I made that phone noise.

[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]

Crow [as Col. Connors]:
[makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!

Narrator:
There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...

Servo:
"Oops".

Narrator:
..."radiation".

Servo:
Oh.

Narrator:
As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...

Tom Servo:
As if we cared.

Narrator:
Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!

Joel:
Oh, the joke's on us!

Crow:
Boooooo!

[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]

Joel:
Hey, w-what's wrong?

Servo:
Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!

Crow:
Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!

Servo:
Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!

[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]

[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]

Joel:
We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.

[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]

Crow:
Heeere comes the Devil!

Servo:
It's Beezlebub the Clown!

Joel:
Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?

Narrator:
There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.

[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]

Crow:
And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...

[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]

Servo:
It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!

[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]

Servo:
Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.

Joel:
Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?

Servo:
Oops.

Crow:
Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!

. . .

Joel:
Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?

Servo:
How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.

Joel:
That's better.

Crow:
It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.

Servo:
Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.

[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]

Joel:
Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.

Servo:
That's good.

Joel:
No, it really is.

Servo:
Whatever, Joel.

. . .

[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]

Joel:
See? Emmett changed management soon after this.

[Shot of the crowd cheering]

Crow [as crowd]:
We love it when he eats!

[As a trapeze artist swings]

Joel:
It's a living!

Crow:
Mother, please come home!

Servo:
Yes, our Betty swings both ways!

Joel:
Oh, stop it!

Servo:
She does! Look!

Joel:
Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.

Crow:
This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.

[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]

Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]:
Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!

Crow:
Women who love too much and the feet that use them.

Servo:
This one's on the rebound.

[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]

Crow:
The act was outlawed on several continents!

Servo [as Narrator]:
Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!

. . .

Crow:
Flipped her off.

Narrator:
The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!

Servo:
...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.

Servo:
Store this image away for a later nightmare.

[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]

Joel [as Old Man]:
I invented that move.

Crow [as Kid]:
Yeah, right.

[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]

Servo:
Oh, no! No, no - they're doing it clown-style! No!

[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]

Crow:
Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!

Joel:
Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.

[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]

Crow [as Clown]:
More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!

Servo [as Narrator]:
Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.

[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]

Joel [as Narrator]:
Hank Kimball's brought in.

Crow [as Hank Kimball]:
Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

[A clown rings a bell.]

Servo:
Hey, C. Everett Kook!

[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]

Narrator:
Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!

Crow:
Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.

Servo [as clown]:
Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!

Joel:
This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.

Servo:
You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.

Joel:
Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!

Crow [as Richard Burton]:
Don't talk about our clown, Martha.

[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]

Crow:
KITTIES!

[As trapeze artists fly through the air]

Joel:
I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?

. . .

Joel [as trapeze artist]:
Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!

Servo:
Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...

Crow [as trapeze artist]:
Party in Susan's dressing room!

[Over the "The End" card]

Joel:
Ah, my favorite part of the circus.

[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]

Servo [as Lemminkäinen]:
[singing with Norwegian accent] If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...

Crow [as Lemminkäinen]:
[singing with Norwegian accent] I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...

[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]

Louhi, the witch:
Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.

Crow:
Can we see the other parts?

Servo:
Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!

[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]

Ilmarinen:
With this wool, will I clothe you!

Servo [as Ilmarinen]:
With these teeth, will you bite me!

[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]

Servo:
Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!

[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]

Louhi:
Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?

Joel:
Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order...

[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]

Servo [as Villager]:
Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?

Crow [as Villager]:
Yah, it's really too bad.

Joel [as Villager]:
No Sampo, eh? Bummer.

Servo [as Villager]:
Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.

[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]

Crow [as Villager]:
I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!

[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]

Servo [as Villager]:
He failed to bring back the Sampo!

Joel, Crow [as Villagers]:
Sampo!

Servo [as Villager]:
We shall die of starvation!

Joel, Crow [as Villagers]:
Sampo!

[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]

Joel:
What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?"

[The short's title screen appears:
"Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]

Crow:
Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.

[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]

Servo [as Warren]:
Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.

Joel [as Warren]:
Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!

Crow [as Warren]:
A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

[Lobo (Tor Johnson) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]

Crow:
Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!

[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]

Crow:
Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!

[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]

Capt. Robbins:
[solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.

Crow:
Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]

Joel, Servo, Crow:
Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

[The short begins]

Crow:
Previously on "Hired!"

[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]

Joel [as Warren]:
We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!

Mr. Warren:
Sales are the most important thing in this business.

Servo [as Warren]:
Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.

Mr. Warren:
We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.

Joel [as Warren]:
But first - martinis!

Mr. Warren:
Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.

Crow [as Warren]:
'Cause you've got the most problems.

[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]

Mr. Warren:
I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.

Jimmy:
Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.

Crow [as Jimmy]:
Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?

[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]

Joel:
Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!

[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]

Joel [as Senator McCarthy ]:
Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?

Servo:
So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?

Joel:
No, actually, it's more like a minute.

Servo:
[stunned] ...No.

[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]

Servo:
I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.

Michael:
Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.

Crow:
Maybe it's Brigadoon.

Joel:
You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]

Joel:
Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.

Crow:
Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?

. . .

Servo:
Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.

[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]

Joel [as Michael]:
Hey, look - I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!

[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]

Crow [as The Master]:
What was I thinking?

Joel [as Announcer]:
Women who lunch.

Servo [as Announcer]:
And the Manos who love them - next Donahue.

. . .

Joel:
You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.

Servo:
...and now, back to We Married Manos!

[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]

Crow:
Well, the talks broke down at this point.

Servo:
Looks like the Russian Parliament.

Joel [as Announcer]:
Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!

Crow:
Designing Women, the lost episodes.

Servo [as Prof. Canning]:
And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

Joel:
You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.

Crow:
I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!

. . .

Servo:
You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!

. . .

Joel:
You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.

. . .

Crow:
It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.

. . .

Servo:
I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

The Master:
Silence!

Joel:
Is golden!

The Master:
Silence!

Joel:
Is golden!

[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]

Joel:
[snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God!

Servo:
Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon!

[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]

Servo:
[singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…

Crow [as Bela Lugosi]:
Come here.

Joel:
The new Pope has not been chosen.

[During a driving scene]

Joel:
Meanwhile, in Toledo...

Servo:
No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?

. . .

Crow:
This must be a weekly series.

[As the end credits roll...]

Crow:
Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!

Joel:
Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.

Servo:
Where to start?

Servo:
If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.

[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]

Crow:
The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!

Joel:
No. Always wonder.

[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]

Servo:
COME ON!

[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]

Servo:
Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!

Joel:
We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

[They leave the theater.]

[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]

Frank:
Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!

[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]

Torgo:
They always do that!