ALF, Season 4

[At the cat Lucky's funeral]

ALF:
Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.

Willie:
Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.

ALF:
Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?

Kate:
What do you mean your fridge?

ALF:
Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.

ALF:
Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!

Willie:
[reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?

ALF:
Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!

Brian:
[reading from his history book] Okay, here's the last one. "What German leader was responsible for starting World War II?"

ALF:
That's a tough one. It was either Colonel Klink or Sergeant Schultz. It was probably Klink. Schultz could have never pulled it off.

ALF:
[after Willie was sent to FBI] Willie's been caught. Kate thinks I've turned him in. I'm gonna end up hung by my neck in a Chinese deli.

ALF:
[when Willie came home from FBI] Willie! Oh, Willie, I knew that you were innocent. I'm so excited I could leave a spot right here on the carpet!

Willie:
Kate, do you know anything about this letter?

Kate:
[reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."

Willie:
Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.

Kate:
Well, it's got to be a mistake.

Willie:
Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.

Kate:
Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.

Willie:
Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.

ALF:
Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

[Larry comes to visit the Tanners]

Willie:
Well, what's your professional opinion?

Larry:
He's bored.

Willie:
But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?

Larry:
Maybe boredom.

Kate:
That's it?

Larry:
Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.

Kate:
He needs to be muzzled.

Willie:
He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.

Kate:
He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.

Larry:
It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.

Kate:
So, what do we do?

Larry:
Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.

Kate:
What if it doesn't?

Larry:
We'll have dessert.

Willie:
[while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.

Larry:
You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?

Willie:
Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.

Larry:
Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Kate:
In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.

Willie:
Do you think you can help?

Larry:
Trust me. I'm a professional.

Kate:
The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.

ALF:
[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton]

ALF:
I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember 1 night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.

Willie:
[reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."

ALF:
I love when you read to me.

Willie:
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?

ALF:
Obviously not clear enough.

Kate:
What exactly did this note say, ALF?

ALF:
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.

Willie:
You signed my name?

ALF:
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?

Willie:
Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.

Neal:
[offscreen] Willie, you up there?

Willie:
I mean, yeah. Under the bed.

ALF:
Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]

[ALF and Neal are playing chess]

Neal:
So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.

ALF:
Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?

Neal:
Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.

ALF:
Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.

Neal:
Oh.

ALF:
You sure you've never played this game before?

Neal:
No, this is my first time.

ALF:
Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.

Willie:
[comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.

Kate:
What is it?

Willie:
I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?

Kate:
Lucky? Oh no.

ALF:
So, what's the bad news?

Willie:
That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.

Kate:
Well honey, what happened?

Willie:
Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.

Kate:
Poor Lucky.

ALF:
[after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?

Lynn:
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.

ALF:
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."

Kate:
ALF!

ALF:
Hey, they were his words!

[Lynn is showing ALF 2 drawings on the board]

ALF:
Okay, okay. We've got a clock and a bird. Bird watch! A bird watching. That's it! Let's eat! Are you sure? Watch bird. Watch bird. [Lynn draws an arrow] One flew over the cuckoo's nest. [Lynn grunts and points to ALF a clock and a bird] That's my final answer, make it work. Oh, come on, what else could it be? [timer dings]

Lynn:
What about time flies?

ALF:
What about a halfway decent clue?

ALF:
Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.

ALF:
[voiceover, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!

[Neal turns off the music that ALF is listening to as there is a knock on the door]

Neal:
Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?

ALF:
Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.

Neal:
ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-

ALF:
I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Neal:
I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!

[the door knocks]

Police Officer:
[voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?

ALF:
And you have the nerve to lecture me.

Willie:
[to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!

ALF:
Impossible. I told you before, Melmackians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.

Kate:
Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.

ALF:
Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.

Kate:
[as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.

Willie:
How are you feeling?

ALF:
Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!

Kate:
You sound awful.

Willie:
Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.

Kate:
Willie.

ALF:
But I really am feeling worse!

Willie:
My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?

ALF:
Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]

Kate:
It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!

[Willie ties ALF outside after seeing him in the room dancing]

ALF:
Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?

Willie:
Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.

ALF:
Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!

ALF:
[dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]

ALF:
[talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.

Willie:
[he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!

ALF:
Whoa!

Willie:
You're alright?

ALF:
Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.

Willie:
Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.

ALF:
Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.

Kate:
Thanks, AL.

ALF:
What?

Kate:
You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]

Willie:
[does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!

ALF:
No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.

Lynn:
[while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.

ALF:
[answers the phone] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?

Neal:
Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.

ALF:
Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?

Neal:
Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.

ALF:
What?!

Neal:
Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.

ALF:
But, Neal.

Margaret:
[offscreen] Honey?

Neal:
Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]

ALF:
But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.

ALF:
Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.

Lynn:
[comes home from school angrily] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!

ALF:
Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.

Lynn:
Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.

Kate:
Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.

Lynn:
That's what I thought at first.

ALF:
It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?

Lynn:
Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.

ALF:
I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.

Lynn:
Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.

ALF:
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.

Willie:
You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?

ALF:
And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.

Lynn:
This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?

ALF:
Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?

Lynn:
What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]

ALF:
You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.

Willie:
I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?

Lynn:
You could always drop ALF off in the desert.

Willie:
No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.

Brian [reading the first question] What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?

ALF:
Burp down wind.

Willie:
He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me anytime."

ALF:
I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.

Willie:
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.

ALF:
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.

Lynn:
ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.

Brian:
ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?

ALF:
Your hair was the least of your problems.

Kate:
ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.

ALF:
Prove it. Put the house in my name.

ALF:
Oh, please, Willie? Stay home. We'll order out. It'll be my treat. By the way, can I borrow a couple of hundred till payday? I seem to have misplaced your credit card.

Willie:
For the last time, no, ALF.

ALF:
[while standing outside of a retirement home] Oh, wow! This could be Louise's window. That could be her nightstand. Those could be her teeth! Just my luck. She's not in them.

Willie:
My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.

ALF:
You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.

ALF:
[while digging for a treasure] Give up. He must be mad. Mad, I tell me, mad! No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy. [feels something hard with a shovel] Hey, what's this? Wooden planks! Yes! Yes! I found the treasure! I'm, I'm going to be stupid! [laughs and then yells as he falls down to the water]

Brian:
And these pictures of Earth were taken from space?

ALF:
Yeah. By satellite. See that guy waving? That's your dad.

Brian:
Really? [ALF laughs] What's that? Gotcha! It took me 4 years and I finally got you.

ALF:
What can I say? You've learned well, Grasshopper. Congratulations. Ha! What a maroon!

ALF:
[reading a letter] "Dear Sendrax. You should stop making CFC's because as Gordon Shumway says there's no zone like the ozone. Much love, Marvin Hamlisch."

Kate:
ALF, if you're really serious about losing weight, you're gonna have to start exercising regularly and eating less.

ALF:
Well, what if I just gave up eating your cooking?

ALF:
[acting like a wolf] Silence, suburban ones. You scare prey from hunting ground.

ALF:
You know, I don't understand why Lynn didn't just lie.

Willie:
Well, maybe that's your way, ALF but not everybody's like that.

ALF:
Well, it's a curse. Fortunately, I have the boyish charm to pull it off.

ALF:
Lynn's probably so relaxed she'll have to be wheeled in.

ALF:
[reading his stick] 4 years and they give me a stick.

[last scene of the series]

Willie:
Safe home, my friend.

ALF:
No problem, we'll be going against traffic.

[a light shines on ALF]

Willie:
ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!

[a group of vans come]

ALF:
What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!

[a group of officers come]

Brian:
ALF! Dad, do something!

Officer:
Stay right where you are!

ALF:
[last lines] Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.

[the final episode ends with a group of officers surrounding ALF]