Doc Martin, Series 2

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-This is completely illogical.

Shopkeeper:
-It´s not actually.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Would you explain it to me? Apart from anything else what criminal with half a brain would try to use that credit card anywhere in Portwenn?

Shopkeeper:
-I don´t know. But I warranty you that will never have joy in my shop.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I can´t imagine anyone finding joy in your shop.

Shopkeeper:
-Not if they want to use a card, Doc. Because our card machine is broken.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Right. So I´ll pay you tomorrow.

Shopkeeper:
-Mr. and Mrs. Credit passed away. Please, don´t mention their names. They really hurt.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Pauline, I can't have patients' records filed under their first names.

Pauline Lamb:
-It was good enough in Newlyn.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Well, what kind of surgery was it? A vets?

Pauline Lamb:
-Still a surgery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Did Mr. Rix bring a letter from the hospital about his ribs?

Pauline Lamb:
-I don´t think so.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Perhaps it´s filed under "L" for letter. Or "P" for piece of paper.

Mrs. Richards:
-(About her husband) Oh, sure! If I mention impetigo he'll ditch his girlfriend straight away, drive overnight from Glasgow and give our marriage one more try.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Good.

Peter Cronk:
-So are you going to be our new headteacher?

Louisa Glasson:
-It´s not for me to say, Peter.

Peter Cronk:
-Are you going to do something with the I.T. Department?

Louisa Glasson:
-What I.T. Department?

Peter Cronk:
-Exactly.

(An old patient is leaving the surgery while Martin is following him to tell him the treatment to do)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Mrs. Tishell will give you the tablets. One in the morning, before the food, and one... one in the evening before going to bed. (The patient left the surgery) Or you just die. It´s your decision.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Who´s next?

Pauline Lamb:
-Cameron Paris. (She shouts) Cameron Paris!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-All right. He´s not deaf.

Mrs. Paris:
-He is actually.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Well, as I have just explained to Peter, you are a, er, er, woman.

Louisa Glasson:
-Oh. Glad you noticed.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Yeah, years of medical training.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Why doesn't anyone in this village do as I say?

(While Peter Cronk is staying with Dr Martin Ellingham, he persuades Martin to let him rent "an educational video". Later, Louisa is horrified to see that he is watching an X-rated horror film)

Louisa Glasson:
-What are you watching? Turn it off!

Peter Cronk:
-Oh, but they were just about to eat the virgin's eyeballs.

Louisa Glasson:
-Off! Martin?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-He told me it was educational.

Louisa Glasson:
-Yes, and he just said the words "virgin's eyeballs".

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Is that bad?

Louisa Glasson:
-Ten year olds don't always know what's best for them.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I did.

Louisa Glasson:
-Yes, but you're a bit different from the rest of us.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(Speaking to a patient) Portwenn has one doctor and 966 people who know better.

(Martin is discussing with Louisa on the spread of the impetigo because of ignoring his medical advices)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-In the years that come, when the archeologists unearth the ruins of Portwenn, someone will ask the question: "How this unspeakable disaster could have?". How? Because "Miss Glasson said."

Pauline Lamb:
-Don't forget you've got the school thing today. If Louisa Glasson gets it there's a bit of a party later at the Crab.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What happens if she doesn't?

Pauline Lamb:
-No-one in Portwenn will talk to you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I can live with that.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Pauline, get PC Mark Mylow on the phone. Tell him there's a dangerous dog on the loose. I want it caught and put to sleep.

Pauline Lamb:
-Put to sleep?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Destroyed, Pauline. Killed. Sent to that big doggy basket in the sky.

Mel Collins:
-If you had enough time to improve equal opportunity policy, where would you start?

Interview woman:
-(Thinks, sips water, thinks some more, sips again)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-More to the point: how long would it take you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(To the dog)Get out!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Where do you live?

Wallace Flint:
-You know... The Moor.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Can you give me his phone number then, please?

Pauline Lamb:
-No. Don't have it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Remind me what your job is again?

Pauline Lamb:
-He didn't leave a number. He left in a rush, looking like a frightened rabbit. Like all your patients, actually.

(The butcher has been having another medication different to the prescripted one by Martin)

Butcher:
-It´s Ok. They´re herbal. You know, natural.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-One thing is natural but doesn´t mean it´s safe. Poison ivy is natural. You wouldn´t take it. Do you?

Butcher:
-No. It gets "poison" on the toil.

Louisa Glasson:
-Martin. About this morning...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What? About your visit to the snake charmer?

Louisa Glasson:
-I´m sorry you´ve closed your mind to alternative medicine. But you know that can be effective sometimes.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Frequently is, but unfortunately for my patients with this woman it´s a lottery.

(Sandra Mylow has been handing out herbal remedies without even seeing her patients)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-These can contain high levels of mercury, which given to somebody already suffering from a degree of psychosis, the effects can be catastrophic.

Sandra Mylow:
-I didn't realise she was that ill.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Hadn't it struck you when she visited your clinic?

Sandra Mylow:
-She seemed fine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-She didn't seem anything. You've never met her. Doreen Flint left this area eight years ago.

Sandra Mylow:
-I saw her husband.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Right. Who for the last eight years has been under the delusion that he is both Victor and Doreen Flint in one body.

Sandra Mylow:
-(Gobsmacked) Oh.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-There is a reason why we insist on seeing patients before prescribing a course of treatment. It's called "good practice".

Sandra Mylow:
-People feel comfortable when they come and see me, which is more than I can say for you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-The minute I start handing out treatments left right and centre to people I've never met, please feel free to call me a stupid arrogant unqualified charlatan!

Patient:
-And you reckon these will work, do you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-No - I just prescribe them for fun.

(Martin is questioning Julie about familiar diseases)

Julie Mitchell:
-Doctor. I came here to register.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-That´s what I´m doing.

Julie Mitchell:
-At the library I get a card in five minutes.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Congratulations. If you get smallpox I´m sure that a good book will great comfort you.

(Caroline has parked her car so it is sticking out into the road)

Passer-by:
-I wouldn't park there, love, if I were you.

Caroline Bosman:
-(Angrily) Really? And if I were you, I wouldn't come out in daylight, love.

(Martin thinks that Caroline might have become an alcoholic)

Caroline Bosman:
-I don't drink any more than anybody else.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Do you ever find yourself drinking first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get over a hangover?

Caroline Bosman:
-No! Certainly not!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Do you often find yourself get annoyed with people who observe or criticise your drinking?

Caroline Bosman:
-(Angrily) That's it! I've had enough! Who the hell do you think you are asking inappropriate questions about something I have not even consulted you about?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-So that's a "yes", then, is it?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-All right, Caroline, I'm going to give you an injection.

Danny Steel:
-(Gets down on one knee, hands clasped together) I'm saying a prayer for you, Caroline.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(Eyeing Danny) It´s a little prick.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(To the dog)Get out of my life!

Louisa Glasson:
-I'm sorry, he isn't normally that rude... actually he is normally that rude; he also happens to be a good doctor.

Louisa Glasson:
-Why do you have to upset everyone? When you are with patients, why can´t you make an effort? Just *smile*! Try to a small talk! Have a laugh!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Sick people don´t want a laugh. They want a doctor who knows what is doing.

Louisa Glasson:
-They want a bedside manner.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-A bedside manner can´t cure you.

Louisa Glasson:
-It makes them feel better.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Can it diagnose an illness in a scanner? Write a prescription?

Louisa Glasson:
-You know what I mean. Please, for once *just* agree with me. Do *you* know what I´m trying to say?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Actually I find you hard to understand best of times. Whatever you say or do makes no sense to me.

Louisa Glasson:
-What are we talking about? Are we talking about...? What are we talking about?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I'm not quite sure.

PC Mark Mylow:
-I've got some news.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What?

PC Mark Mylow:
-You'll never guess...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I don't have to.

PC Mark Mylow:
-Go on. Try.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-No.

Christopher Ellingham:
-(Referring to Mark) Possesses a wonderful naivety, your chum.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Yeah.

Christopher Ellingham:
-Going to have his work cut out though.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What do you mean?

Christopher Ellingham:
-Well, the only way he's going to keep her is if he locks her up in a cell. Mind you, you'd have to drug them to keep them. Two peas in a pod you two.

Danny Steel:
-I sometimes wonder, with things not happening for me in London, whether it's a sign. It's a cliché I know but God, sometimes...

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Yes, he works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? Like malaria.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I know that Dad can be a bit... you know... I´m not like him. You can talk to me.

Margaret Ellingham:
-(Laughs)You are not like him? Can you say that again?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What?

Margaret Ellingham:
-He´s reached at the top of his profession. He is charming. We were happy before you arrived. The perfect marriage. He always touched me under the table in the restaurant and the car. Just like electricity. And then you came along. I knew it was all over. He could never see me as a woman again, I was a mother. A deflated balloon. So I decided I would make things just for we were him and me together. I put you in a boarding school, I sent you to spend the summers here with Joan. Somehow you were always there between us. Always needy. With bullied. Wetting your bed.

PC Mark Mylow:
-Doc. Julie and I are getting married as you know.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Yes.

PC Mark Mylow:
-Thank you. I was wondering. Would you be my best man?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-No.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I´m sure that unless this is absolutly an emergency...

Louisa Glasson:
-I´ll consider this an emergency of sorts. You might not think that you are a part of this village but you are, like or not. We are an small community, almost a family. And sometimes people are feeling left out by the way you are. And sometimes people think that you just don´t care. And I think that it´s about time that someone tells you that.

Louisa Glasson:
-Stewart can help you. He´s the ranger for that area.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-To be honest I would prefer not. His best friend is a 6 feet squirrel.

Louisa Glasson:
-Martin, there are twenty things about you that are crap.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Thank you.

Louisa Glasson:
-But if you were a stick of rock, you'd be Martin Ellingham all the way through.

Louisa Glasson:
-Underneath the gruff, monosyllabic, well-meaning but rude person, you're... gruff, monsyllabic, and, well, rude.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What about well-meaning?

(Martin and Louisa are sharing a bottle of wine at his house. Rather sheepishly, he explains that he doesn't normally drink alcohol because it makes him fall asleep)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(Looking into Louisa's eyes) You're so beautiful. You're so very beautiful - d'you know that? All I think about, every day, is just catching a glimpse of you.

(They lean across the table and kiss)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(Whispers) Oh, Louisa!

Louisa Glasson:
-(Whispers) Shhh. Don't spoil it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I love you. I love you.

Louisa Glasson:
-Martin, this bloody table's in the way.

(Louisa stands up, about to come round the table to give Martin a cuddle. Martin falls forward onto the table, fast asleep)

(Last night, while drunk, Martin Ellingham told Louisa Glasson that he loved her - and then he passed out)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-I embarrassed myself.

Louisa Glasson:
-No you didn't embarrass yourself. And I'm really glad that you said what you said. I just wish I'd had chance to say that I do too. I love you too.

(Martin stares at her)

Louisa Glasson:
-What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Love is...

Louisa Glasson:
-What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-It's a difficult word when you think that we don't actually know each other that well.

Louisa Glasson:
-Martin, we've known each other quite a while now.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Strictly speaking, for you to say you love me when you can't possibly know that you do is... potentially... delusional.

Louisa Glasson:
-Oh!

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-There are certain quite well-known disorders where a person falls, without good reason, for someone else and believes that they love them.

Louisa Glasson:
-(Gobsmacked) Pardon?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-De Clerambault's Syndrome, for instance. Also known as erotomania. More common in women. They fall for a man of higher social standing.

(The camera starts to track back to an aerial shot of the bay)

Louisa Glasson:
-Martin! What the hell are you talking about?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Delusional romantic attachments. Often associated with an excessive intrusiveness into the life of the object of the irrational affection. Stalking, if you like.

(Louisa slaps Martin's face. The credits roll)

(The baker has come to see Doc Martin about a stomach ache)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Take some time off work.

Baker:
-Chance would be a fine thing. I've got a couple of hundred pasties to bake for the eating contest tomorrow - biggest earner of the year.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Cancel it!

Baker:
- No, doc.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
- In all probability you have a stomach infection. Until I can find out exactly what it is, I don't want you spreading it around the village.

Baker:
-It's a tradition, our contest.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Oh yes, the tradition of mass food-poisoning and the complications that ensue. Cancel it!

(A group of twitchers are walking next to Doc's house. Martin is taking his bottle of daily milk.)

Twitcher 1:
-Which way to the choves?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-At the top of the hill. And turn right.

Twitcher 2:
-Thanks.

(The group continues their road while the man watches his map)

Twitcher 1:
-Why on the right if there is the cliff? You meant left. Don't you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-(At the door) Right. (Slams the door)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-What do you want?

Gavin Peters:
-Just a chat.

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Then chat with the receptionist - I'm busy.

(To Gavin Peters)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Take your hands off me, you unctuous platitudinising eunuch!

(Al Large says to Jonathan that he can´t get a boat because he is a plumber)

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-Al, Mr. Crozure is suffering a psychotic breakdown.

Al Large:
-What that mean?

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-He is mad. Just do what he says.

Terry Glasson:
-Three miles off the coast. Nelson´s Point. You know it?

Al Large:
-Yes.

Terry Glasson:
-A Spanish trawler at half mile off Nelson´s Point. Tell them that Terry is sending. Say: "Terry me manda a por el paquete."

Al Large:
-Oh, yeah. OK.

Terry Glasson:
-Say it! "Terry me manda a por el paquete."

Pauline Lamb:
-"Terry me manda a por..."

Dr. Martin Ellingham:
-No. It´s "Terry me manda a por la paquete."

Louisa Glasson:
-No, no. It´s "a por *el* paquete."

Jonathan Crozure:
-Seriously! Tick, tock, tick, tock!