It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 11

Dennis:
Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.

Dee:
Bill Cosby.

Frank:
The cards are a little outdated.

Charlie:
[about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?

Mac:
Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.

Charlie:
Why does it have a big vein running through it?

Mac:
Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.

Dennis:
I want to talk to you about our future. Can we get into it?

Dee:
Yes. Yes!

Dennis:
Alright. Here, sit down for a second.

Dee:
Okay?

Dennis:
'Cuz, in order to do that, I think we're gonna have to get real.

Dee:
Yeah, go ahead.

Dennis:
And I want to get very real with you right now, and I do that because I feel like I'm always coddling you.

Dee:
...Interesting.

Dennis:
But that's neither here nor there; I just want to get real with you for a second, okay? So, the acting thing.

Dee:
Mhm?

Dennis:
It's done... but it's been done for a long time. I mean, you were too old in 2006, you're way too old now, and you're... bad at it.

Dee:
...Thank you... for your honesty.

Dennis:
Yeah, is- are you cool?

Dee:
Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that. That must've been hard for you to say.

Dennis:
It was.

Dee:
Can I be honest with you?

Dennis:
I need you to.

Dee:
Right? Okay, so, the veterinarian thing. I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.

Dennis:
What?

Dee:
You want to keep the skins, don't you.

Dennis:
T-there's no denying that the skins are... fascinating. It's the most fascinating part of the animal- the skin of any animal is the most fascinating part, but that's not why I wanted to become-

Dee:
Also, you're going bald.

Dennis:
I'm going bald?! What are you talking about-

Dee:
In the interest of "being real".

Dennis:
Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?!

Dee:
In the back of your head-

Dennis:
There's no evidence of that!

Dee:
There's quite a bit of evidence-

Dennis:
No, nah, there's absolutely not- no.

Dee:
I'll get two mirrors, I'll show it to you-

Dennis:
Don't get mirrors, because, there's- you're not gonna find anything!

Dee:
I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis.

Dennis:
There's no fat there- what the hell are you talking about?!

Dee:
I'm just trying to let you know!

Dennis:
And by the way, there's no reason why a bald man who enjoys skins - who has a little bit of extra somethin' somethin around his belly - can't be a goddamn veterinarian!

Dee:
Okay, you know what?! I CAN ACT!

Dennis:
YOU ARE A WRINKLED BITCH!

Dee:
Let me tell you something, my characters are great-

Dennis:
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to do this with you, okay? Do you see what's happening?

Dee:
We just jumped right back in. We just leaped right back in. Same old place.

Dee:
Hold onto these guys for balance. [hands Charlie two beer bottles]

Charlie:
These are glass?

Mac:
Then don’t break ‘em, bitch!

Frank:
[Phone buzzes] Oh, what's that? Pondy. Aha! "Let's party." Ha! Sorry, Pondy. Can't. [Phone buzzes] Old tits. He's saying I'm old. Goddamn it, Pondy's the coolest. L... O... M? Yeah, "M." Stupid phone! L... O... L. [horn honking] [horn honking, tires squealing, loud thudding] Ah, shit! Probably Asians.

[In an effort to prove his case, Charlie calls the McPoyle patriarch, Pappy McPoyle, to the stand]

Charlie:
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family. Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy. And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?

Pappy McPoyle:
[inexplicably sobbing hysterically to start off] I HAVE SEEN... RACOONS AND OYSTERS... DANCING ON THE HEAD OF A PIN WITH THE ANGELS! THEY ARE LAUGHING!

Mac:
If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.

Charlie:
Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.

Frank:
Nah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.

Dee:
Right.

Frank:
Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.

Mac:
No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.

Dee:
No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

Dennis:
You wanna go get a flute? Go get a flute. Yeah, go get- go get a flute! Everybody go get a flute!

Charlie:
Heyoooooo! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff! I got some green paint aaaand I found a snake.

Mac:
Great! Why?

Charlie:
You know, the snakes 'cause, like, we... I don't remember where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved. And the green paint's for the, uh, beer.

Mac:
Okay, love the snake. Great catch there, but why not just use food coloring for the beer?

Charlie:
Uh, 'cause beer's not a food? When was the last time you ate a beer?

Mac:
When was the last time you drank paint?

[beat]

Mac:
Have you been drinking paint?

Charlie:
...Nah.

Mac:
Let me see your tongue. (Charlie sticks out his green tongue) Oh my God, dude! Oh, that shit's- that's disgusting!

Charlie:
It's not that bad.

Mac:
You- you can't drink paint!

Charlie:
I know. I- I hear ya, I hear ya.

Mac:
You say that, but I think that you're going to stop.

Charlie:
Yeah. I get it though, man, it's uh... right.

Mac:
I- I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.

Charlie:
It's cool.

Mac:
It's not cool.

Charlie:
It is what it is-

Mac:
Oh my God, this is so frustrating!

Charlie:
Look, I'm gonna go down to the basement and I'm gonna check out my glue traps and see if I, y'know... get a leprechaun in there.

Mac:
Wait, no, no, no, no. Wha-? We said no leprechaun this year, you're not chasing leprechauns.

Charlie:
I know, and I kinda forgot where we landed on that. I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so... but I hear you. I hear you. It's a frustrating thing, it's like the guy doesn't listen to us, man, where we're trying to get through to him. It's a bummer.

Mac:
Welcome to my first ever dinner party! I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future - y'know, with my new lifestyle.

Dennis:
Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Stereotypes and all.

Mac:
Guys, we're gonna have an imaginary meal! I read about this. Yes, if you truly believe it, then it will make you full.

Frank:
Can I have a broad with me, with big tits?

Mac:
No, because that's gonna force us to imagine stuff we don't want to imagine.

Dennis:
Good point.

Charlie:
So, get rid of my dog?

Mac:
Yeah, no dogs.

Charlie:
(kicking) Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Dennis:
Don't kick it-

Mac:
Kick in his skull! We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?

Dennis:
Wh- our house? Why is it our house-

Mac:
Okay, now let's get started. Let me set the scene: the food. The menu!

Charlie:
Paint a nice picture for us, alright? I'm starving!

Mac:
Alright, we're gonna start with, like, a big hunk of chicken. Y'know, like... boiled and skinless, or whatever.

Frank:
Huh.

Dennis:
Okay...

Mac:
And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right? So like, maybe, like... some brown rice? No, no butters or seasoning.

Charlie:
Really?

Frank:
I want mashed potatoes.

Mac:
No! No mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.

Dennis:
Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?

Mac:
Because this is my dinner party!

Dennis:
Well, then take us there!

Mac:
Alright! Okay, everyone's got something to drink.

Frank:
Is it a milkshake?

Mac:
No, not milkshakes... Gatorade. And it's gonna be my favorite flavor: blue.

Frank:
"Blue" is not a flavor. How am I gonna taste blue?

Mac:
Well, just imagine what blue tastes like!

Charlie:
It, it tastes like blue.

Mac:
Let's just dig in.

Dennis:
Can we eat?

Charlie:
Yeah, can we eat? Alright.

(They pretend to eat)

Charlie:
That's kind of tough. D- did you overcook this?

Mac:
No, I didn't cook it at all.

Charlie:
Y- y-?! (spits out) Spit it out! It's raw, you're going to get sick! Spit it out!

Mac:
No, no, don't spit it out! What are you guys doing, you don't need to spit it out! For the love of G- just imagine that it tastes good, okay? Look at Dennis, see?

Dennis:
Oh, I'm not imagining your meal. No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin... braised with lardons and mushrooms.

Frank:
I want that!

Dennis:
Well, then have it! It's right in front of you, as is your buxom date, Frank.

Frank:
Ah, come here baby-

Charlie:
Hey, heeeeeey, she got her foot in my raw chicken! Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, dude!

Charlie:
Alright, relax, nobody's dying.

Dee:
That's right, just listen to Charlie. He seems to have his head straight. Calm down-

Charlie:
'Cuz we're already dead.

Dee:
...Come again?

Charlie:
Oh, I figured it out. We're dead, we died... and I don't know when it happened. It might've- it might've happened on the cruise ship, it might've happened on the drive to the cruise ship - you were going awful fast, Dennis. I don't know, maybe it happened weeks ago at the bar, some sort of... colossal and awesome event, I would imagine, but we're dead! And we're in hell, we're just being toyed with, here! Or- or maybe we're not in hell yet, maybe this is purgatory, and we're on our way to be judged. And soon, oh boy... ha ha, yeah, soon we'll really be in hell, won't that be something...

Dennis:
Charlie, calm down. It's g- it's gonna be fine, okay? We can't be freaking out every five minutes. Now, look... if we work together, everything's going to be fine! We're gonna get out of here!

Charlie:
Nah. We're already dead. I'll prove it. (points flare gun at his head and fires)

Frank:
But first allow me to destroy your gallery. Bullshit. Bullshit. Derivative. That I love. I absolutely love.

Gallery Owner:
Um, that's just the air conditioner.

Frank:
I want it. It's everything. I mean, look at us. We're just air conditioners. I mean, after all, we're just walking around on the planet, breathing, conditioning the air. I condition it hot, that conditions it cold. I mean, it's symbiotic, no?

Gallery Owner:
No, it is.

Frank:
I mean, we're just the air conditioners walking around on this planet, screwing each other's brains out.